The End is Always a Beginning in the End

Chapters

Grief and Fear
Ruminations and Wisdom
Actions and Perspectives

Grief and Fear

Darkness crept over Ponyville on the night of Applejacks funeral; Tough and trusty she had been the last mortal to go of the Mane 6 but a sudden heart attack mid harvest will get anyone, the stubborn foal never could pace herself during apple-buck season. The founders of the knights of harmony, or the CMC as they still called themselves had long since thanked everyone for coming out; The hangers on had drifted out of the orchard, Inky and Blinky had helped uncle Pound pack up, all that remained was a fifth stone on the family grave plot.

The shadows lengthened over the crystalline peaks at the castle of harmony. It's usually busy halls were silent as the grave, disturbed only by the mournful hum of wind rubbing the spires like a hoof on a wineglass.

Twilight sat slumped in her throne staring at the flat glass top, it was a strange feeling; she should've missed them but their cutie marks shone out from their chairs with a soft light and they felt as present as they had ever been. In a way they had never left, their elements had started to find new bearers but their mark on the world would never fade.

Also in her heart was the dread that as an immortal this would one day be all she had; an empty table. New friends would come, stay for a moment, grow old and die each leaving their own little wound on her heart. Even Spike in the fullness of time would leave her, how long could she go on before the pain of separation became too great for her to bear. Her responsibility's had always driven her and they were greater than ever, but now she couldn't see the point, helping them today only to bury them tomorrow.

She pointedly ignored the thump on the balcony door and the magical fumble before the Prench doors swung open with a blast of wind and the smell of cheap moonshine. There was an inebriated dance on the Crystal and Celestia hissed out a sorry before securing the door behind her, she stumbled over to the table.

"Do you mind if I sit in Pinkies chair? I'm Sure she wouldn't mind..." Celestia trotted to the throne of laughter and sat opposite from Twilight who stewed in stoic silence "...well that's that then, if I had the power I'd made them all Alicorns, it's certainly going to be duller without them."

Twilight sat dead eyed still staring into space, Celestia took a slug from her hip flask and sighed "Please Twilight, being sad I could understand and being angry I could take, but don't shut yourself off from the world. You saw how that worked out with Luna, I'd rather you lose your temper than give up on the world and bottle up your feelings."

Twilight looked up at her mentor, she wasn't used to seeing her without her regalia, the sun Princess had drowned out her regal mask with cheap booze and wore the bitter scowl of regret and self loathing. "I didn't know you cared about them enough to go so far off the wagon" Twilight murmured.

"If I'm honest.." Celestia took a Swig "...I don't, not that much, it's sad but they were your life partners not mine."

Twilight closed her eyes in pained disappointment "So you took a little Dutch courage in case you needed to banish your crazy ex-student" Celestia never changed.

"I got ratted so I couldn't banish you anywhere, even if I wanted to..." The solar monarch slurred.

Twilight flicked her eyes opened in surprise, Celestia was playing with her hooves like a naughty filly "...Faust I'm tired of screwing over my love ones for the good of the country, it's bad enough I led you to this sorry impasse without punishing you for being rightly upset as well. Just send me to the moon, I won't stop you, I've done enough damage to deserve your hatred."

Twilight looked away "I'm a hurt that you would inflict this on me without even a warning and angry that you didn't even give me a choice. But what's the point in hating you, in a few centuries you, Luna and Cadence might be my only company. If you're feeling honest I would like to know what compels you to use and hurt the ones closest to you."

Celestia gave a snort "Equestria..." She waved her hooves half-heartedly "...maintaining peace and harmony requires I do some pretty evil things, I don't have the luxury of personal feelings or being 'nice'..." She Swigged again "...I manipulated your destiny to free my sister and Cadence's to save the Crystal Empire. But more importantly I could feel myself slowly getting more bitter and cynical, so I figured it would be prudent to have a couple of Alicorns on hand in case I became the cold tyrant Equestria wants to make me."

Twilight huffed at her hair "I was expecting an apology at least."

Celestia leered incredulously "Oh? 'Dear my most faithful student, soz that I made you the avatar of friendship in the full knowledge that you'd lose all your friends eventually, I know I'm basically giving you wings to slowly rip them off later but here's a bunch of flowers, were cool now right?'. No Twilight I'm not going to apologize to you, sorry just doesn't cut it and this isn't going to go away, it's going to be a long time before I can make this up to you, if that's possible."

A quiet moment passed as Twilight lay her head on the freezing quartz table top, when she spoke again she seemed dreamy and distant. "I thought I would miss them more, but I feel like they're all still here..." She gestured around the empty seats "...I suppose in time that will fade."

Celestia took another drink and shrugged "Why should it, they and you are part of Harmony, that will be around long after we both and even Discord have gone to dust."

They sat in silence again, Twilight croaked "I worry that with each new loss a little of me will die with it, eventually I'll become a hollow shell" Celestia fixed her with a appraising look and knocked back another shot "Then you'll become me; I only really had four friends, my sister who I banished, Starswirl who stopped talking to me and died..." she took another strangled gulp "...Discord who betrayed me and you who I betrayed, how I got the elements to work at all is a mystery."

Twilight twisted her head to look at Celestia who was slouched misty eyed in the throne of Laughter, her face was pained and lonely. If she had been unsure about how she felt about Celestia now the mask had been shattered it was clear now. Nothing is worse than finding out your parents were as fallible as you. "Were still friends Celestia, I just am very angry with you and need some space."

The solar Princess closed her eyes to hide her tears "If it means anything, I'll sleep better tonight for hearing that, thank you."

Twilight slumped back down "Will we ever die? is there an afterlife?"

There was a bracing humph from the elder Alicorn "Don't bucking know and don't bucking care, I've got enough to worry about right now in Equestria without setting time limits and adding avoid damnation to my to do list...." The Solar monarch turned the flask upside down over her mouth "...bah empty...If I burn for my crimes so be it, as long as I can walk the streets and see my little ponies happy it's worth it"

Celestia began to rise, stumbled back into the throne, then stood again. "Well I'm out of booze so I'm gonna climb into bed, the people will be wanting to see their perfect Princess bright and early for sunrise not the washed up actor that plays her..." She staggered towards the door "...when you feel like you can stomach talking to me again or if you want to throw some rocks at me after all you'll know where to find me, chained to the damn throne like a slave."

Twilight sat up and rose from her throne as well "Celestia..." the white Alicorn paused half way out of the door "...maybe it's time you took a vacation?" There was a flicker of a genuine smile and her former teacher was gone.

Ruminations and Wisdom

Twilight wandered in a daze back to her room, the door opened to reveal a pile of purple scales, Spikes gangly and stretched faced emerged from the center. "At last, I was about to come find you" he unfolded and opened his arms to the Alicorn who wandered over and slumped down into a laying hug before the fire. Spike was warm to the touch and his youth soothed her, Spike stroked her mane and thrummed softly.

"I'm scared Spike..." She whispered "...all my old friends are gone and those that remain seem worn out and ancient, except you. Even Celestia is exhausted..."

Spike's head twitched about defensively "She was here? What happened?"

Twilight closed her eyes meditatively "I though she didn't have to rocks to turn up as Maud would say, but she did; blind drunk and naked. She was expecting a well deserved thrashing or a blazing argument. I guess neither of us knows each other as well as we like to think..."

Spike eagerly interrupted "Things went well between you?"

The young Alicorn sighed painfully "She admitted that she manipulated me into something that could condemn me to an eternity of suffering for her own ends and that she didn't expect to be forgiven for it, her lonely regrets were all the justice I needed and I pity her for her self imposed prison of duty to an idea that will never love her for her personal sacrifices."

Spike settled down "that sounds like it went well"

Twilight shook her head mournfully "It still leaves me hurtling towards eternity alone".

Spike pulled her face round to meet his gaze "Only if you lock yourself in a prison; The way I see it all my friends have families and there are new friends round every corner, you live long enough and everyone knows you, so how can you be lonely? As for your friends of the passed, their dead and aren't going anywhere no matter how long it takes you to catch up, just think of the stories you'll have to tell them when you meet again. Grief is impatience and we both have long waits ahead of us."

Twilight smiled "when did you get so wise and calm?"

The drake preened "Hey, I've been staring down the barrel of eternity for longer than you have, Ember says that Gor the Eternal was dragon Lord for almost three thousand years. At some point I decided it couldn't be helped and stopped worrying about it. I mean it hurt when Rarity died, I never stopped carrying a torch for her, but she encouraged me to move on and get myself together with Ember years ago."

Twilight sighed "...That was Pinkie's last request: 'stop hanging about with these dotty old dears all the time and go out and party'. I've tried Spike, I've made new friends but as the old ones died so has my enthusiasm for other people, why bother if I'll only lose them."

Spike raised a sardonic eyebrow "apart from to avoid growing into a cold, bitter China doll like Cel...Urp...speak of Tirek and he shall appear..." Spike exhaled a small green flame that solidified into a scroll. "...It's from Luna, apparently Celestia crashed into her watchtower a blubbering mess, she apologizes for her sister being a depressing drunk and will be dropping in to extend her condolences and have a chat tomorrow."

Twilight snuggled in closer to her foster brother "I'm sure she'll have a interesting perspective, no one understands true loneliness like Nightmare Moon." Spike placed a chiding claw on her nose "Well as the local expert on the fear of outliving people I've arranged for you to take part in the catch up apple-bucking tomorrow; I prescribe socialising with others, being open with your fears and having fun."
"I don't know that I can..." Twilight hid her face in his chest, Spike pulled a half smile "Well if you don't you may very well be visited by three ghosts, all of them a disgruntled Pinkie"

Twilight was drifting out "mmm...I would at that"

Actions and Perspectives

Spike had been right; the day at the orchard was attended by all her friends from about Ponyville: Pinkies kids Inky and Blinky as well as Pound and his boy Marble were there bright and early. Humbug who was Lyra & Bonbon's adopted daughter as well as the Carrot family were there at a more respectable time.

Storm Surge, Flitter and Sand Stone; Fluttershy's foster kids rolled in late, Baronet Lustre like mother was too refined for bucking but he painted an amazing landscape of the day. The Wonderbolts swung by for a few hours out of respect for ex-serviceman Dash's widow, The CMC organized everyone and dragged along some recruits. Even Discord dropped by to throw a spanner in the works which was his own special way of helping.

There was laughing, crying and hugs; Twilight had a rather intense conversation with a Wonderbolt about mortality that really helped her get a perspective on what was important, Blinky tripped and got her head stuck in a bucket but Twilight couldn't stop giggling long enough to remove it, old ma' Carrot Top took her by the hooves and begged her to keep an eye on Ponyville as she feared her time was short which moved the Alicorn to tears and by the time Macintosh Jnr thanked everyone for coming out and sent them home full of apple pie and cider the nascent Alicorn's soul felt fuller as well.

She meditated on the briefness of those around her as she walked back to the throne room, their short time on this world made them all the more precious to her and if she locked herself away sure she'd never be hurt but also she miss out on all the wonderful people around her, she had lived the cloistered life and now she had learned what friendship could be she wasn't about to give it up no matter the cost.

She was surprised to find the Princess of the night sitting eyes closed in the soft light of the thrones, an enigmatic smile played on her lips. She had quiet forgotten about her appointment.

Twilight awkwardly semi flounced in "I'm sorry Luna, I totally forgot, you haven't been here long have you?"

Unmoved Luna whispered serenely "Oh, a couple of hours perhaps, do not worry I was listening to old friends, they are quite lively here."

Twilight walked round and sat in her throne with a sad smile "Aren't they just, I said last night it was as if they were still here, Celestia seemed to think they were, Elements of Harmony and all that."

The mention of her sister's name was like a pea under a mattress and nagging frustration played across Luna's face "Yes, well she never was much good with things beyond the physical, hence her woeful abilities in the dream world. I believe that when someone invests in a place they leave a little of themselves behind, they certainly poured their hearts and souls into this room."

They sat in comfortable silence for a while listening to the echoes of conversations long gone, finally with a reluctant sigh Luna shifted her face into put upon sister mode. "So, what did 'celly have to say for herself?"

The purple Princess looked downcast "Well she confessed to manipulating me into becoming a deity defined by friends I would lose and likely be condemned to never ending heartbreak and eternal loneliness for her own goals...

Luna rolled her eyes "Well that's certainly one way of looking at it, if you thought only the worst of her."

Twilight continued with her outpouring "...she seemed disappointed that I wasn't going to punish her and confused that I was trying my best to forgive her."

Luna chuckled "You may have noticed she comes from a family of hysterical, self hating drama queens with martyr complexes. Well, that rather negative assessment of her actions leaves out a few factors that soften the image somewhat: maternal pride in her student and the desire to see her reach the pinnacle of achievement, love of a student she feared to lose and loneliness, faith that her student would have the fortitude to survive the pressures of divinity and become an even greater force for good, hope that the first six would not be the last and that her student would find friendship enough to sustain her. Not to mention that you may not have had a choice anyway."

That last one got Twilight's attention, she creased her brow "What do mean I may not have had a choice?"

The night Princess looked pained for a moment before proceeding carefully "Well, one becomes an Alicorn because your mortal form can no longer contain the magic within. You may have become one anyway but without Celestia's guidance you could of gone rogue or mad. You could have failed the transformation and simply exploded instead. Or perhaps you would have spent your life suffering from uncontrollable magic surges or even mutated into a draconequus or some such. It may not have been a choice just a random genetic quirk."

Luna watched the Alicorn of friendship as she reeled from the information, she crossed her hooves and her eyes twitched with intense thought as some internal debate raged back and forth "if you're telling the truth why did she come here and claim to be the sole cause?"

"Did you forget the hysterical, self hating drama queen with a martyr complex bit?" Luna grinned "Besides the outcomes I mentioned were only possibilities, you could of lived a perfectly happy normal life, if I know my sister she probably recognized the symptoms early on and decided it was a perfect convergence of your needs and the needs of Equestria but lost her nerve when it started to get painful for you."

"You could've said something yourself you know" Twilight glared.

"Who says I did not?" The dark Alicorn murmured pointedly" I suggested we bring up this issue as soon as you ascended but 'celly forbade it, as you were her student I respected her wishes. She was afraid how you would react and that she would lose you as she lost me, each time another of your friends died she would send her guards away and sit quaking in her throne waiting for the hammer stroke that never came, you are smart and she thought it was only a matter of time before you realized the full implications and descended on her like a storm of vengeance. I suppose she could not take it any more and decided to get the showdown over with."

The former student rubbed her face "Then she doesn't know me as much as she would like to think, I am angry at her for keeping this from me but I would never bring harm to another or Equestria for that matter, I'd kill myself first."

Luna looked uncomfortable "Well that was my concern, that you would throw yourself on Applejack's pyre so to speak, fortunately you had Spike to watch you."

Twilight let out a heavy sigh "I'm angry Luna, but I don't hate her. In light of this new perspective that would be like hating my mother for giving birth to me because of all the pains of mortal life. I'm angry because she didn't warn me or give me a choice, even if it was living forever or exploding, when she should have. Who knows, I may have decided to go for it on my own accord 'for the good of Equestria' just like she wanted, at least I could have been better prepared and my friends could of come up with something to help me through this."

Luna began to stand "Well 'celly has always been controlling, it's allowed her to build all this..." She gestured about "...but it has cost her so many personal relationships, ponies quickly get sick of her interference, but it's born of fear not lust for power. After we lost our Parents and the world slid into chaos, she had to step in and create order again, I think she thinks if she loosens her grip on the world it will all unravel again."

Twilight grinned mirthlessly "Well that's a fear we share, she has always forgiven me for overstepping the lines and hurting others in my need for order and stability, now the shoe is on the other hoof I will do my best to get over it."

The moon monarch stuck her head next to her young compatriot in a conspiratorial whisper "Twilight, don't worry about my sister and I, we are not going anywhere and have been through worse. You concentrate on making it through this depression and grieving with your loving heart intact, 'celly isolates herself behind formality and I just hide in my tower and neither of us are particularly happy, you may be better served following Cadence's example and seeking further...companionship...maybe you'll turn out better"

Twilight also stood and they embraced "Thanks for coming out Luna, your insight has at least smoothed some of my ruffled feathers" the Night monarch kissed her on the forehead "Remember I'm only a dream away if you need me and don't get sucked into my or 'celly's histrionics..." She gave a cheeky wink "...have your own."

There was an implosion of black light and Luna winked out before Twilight could respond, she smiled and shook her head. It was nice to hear her mentor had her well being at heart even if she had other things in mind. Luna was right she had assumed the worst of Celestia and maybe the old Alicorn had spent too long alone with her guilt to see the good within herself either. Her thoughts drifted back to Carrot top, while she herself was afraid of seeing everyone else die the old matriarch was terrified of not being able to watch over her descendants, maybe the grass would always be greener and she would have been unhappy no matter which side of the grey curtain she ended up on.

It wasn't over, which was life in its most basic definition, there would be dark days and loneliness ahead, but there would also be bright dawns and new friends if she had the strength to seek them out and believed in the verity of the magic of friendship.