1000 Ways To Die

Date: May 15, 2022
Location: Dragonlands, Sludge’s Cave

Welcome to the Dragon Lands and say hello to Sludge. A dragon who was a liar and had a dream to be stronger than any other dragon and have the body that many female dragons would fight over. He was strong but he loved to eat, and he was overweight.

The easiest way to lose a couple of pounds and change fat to muscle was to workout, eat healthy, go outside, and in time you will get the results you want. Too bad for Sludge, he was lazy and always wanted to cut corners. Instead of working out one short cut he heard of was liposuction.

He couldn’t afford a regular liposuction surgeon. He would do it himself instead, but he needed help. He would have asked Spike, but he was too young and probably a bit peeved about that lie he told him saying that he was his father. Fume another purple dragon with blond hair would do it.

Fume was a do anything you and follow kind of dragon. Fume, however, had no idea how to do liposuction. He was a bit worried.

“Relax it’s just a couple incisions here and here.” Sludge said while pointing at parts of his gut.

Fume was reluctant but Sludge talked him into it. “I’ll do it.” Fume said.

With less than half a brain between them they came up with a half assed plan. For anesthesia Sludge used freeze spray and a whole lot of painkillers. “Won’t feel a thing.” He said.

For the sucking power they had garage vacuum they bought from a pony.

Once they got everything ready Sludge was lying on his back and Fume had a knife.

“You sure you want me to do this? There is no turning back.” Fume said.

“Do it!!” Sludge shouted.

*Shlick*

Doctor Fume made a crude incision and

*Shlop*

Stuck a crude tube in it. Then he hit the switch.

*Vroom!!*

and the vacuum did its work. Sucking all the fat and blood from Sludge.

“It’s working!!” Fume shouted.

The vacuum they were using could suck 210 cubic feet of air per minute. A normal liposuction has a cubic foot of only 3.

“Dude I’m not sure about this! It doesn’t seem right!” Fume shouted.

“Make sure it’s even!” Sludge shouted back.

It seems like their stupid plan was working.

*Flwomp!*

“What was that!?” Fume shouted.

Suddenly Fume realized that noise was a part of Sludge’s small intestine coming out. Then he began sucking the life out of Sludge.

“Oh dude!! Oh no!!” Fume shouted.

“Fume you idiot!!!!” Sludge shouted.

Many dragons heard the chaos coming from the cave but decided to ignore it. Before Fume could turn off the switch. He had changed this fatty into a fatality. Hey, Snow Heart, you’ve done some liposuctions tell us how this death happened.

“A cannula is a hallow tube instrument designed to go right underneath the skin to suction out the fat cells. These two using a full-strength industrial vacuum pierced the skin, the fat cells, the muscle layer, and through the abdominal cavity causing the intestines to get sucked up into the cannula. This caused blood loss, shock, and death.”

To all of you out there. You’re perfect as you are. Sludge didn’t have the brains…but he sure had the guts.

Way To Die #141: Fat-Ality