Pinkie Pie

Dear Ms. Pie,

I am in dire need of your assistance. My beloved Diamond Tiara has been kidnapped by a fiend who knows no boundaries. He is cold, ruthless, vile, and all around unsavory character who is no doubt tied to the Cult of Discord. I know not his name, only that his coat is pale and his mane is wild with green and red, and that he travels with a blue trench coat and a yellow vest. I have employed Commissioner Bronze Shield to assist, but he is a buffoon, so do not expect much help from him.

Enclosed is a check for half of the bill that is to be deposited at the appropriate bank. You will receive the other half when you return Diamond Tiara to me alive. Failure to do so will result in unpleasant measures.

Best of luck.

-Filthy Rich

“Work,” says Pinkie Pie, sitting on her haunches with her hoof outstretched towards the roof of the building across the street, which appears derelict in the dark, drizzling night of the Ponyville industrial sector.

Wrapped around her hoof is a bulky, gold and metal platted gauntlet with a spool of wires attached to a lever and a canister, with its interior padded for maximum comfort. Attached to the wires is a grapple, and engraved in the plates are balloons, swirling streamers and a smiley face. Though, a smiley face is something Pinkie Pie does not have. She actually has a frowney face, and she is targeting her frustration on her device.

Pinkie Pie shakes her gauntlet and aims it at the building. “Work."

Rain patters off of her dark pink jacket and pushes her matching colored mane against her scalp. But nothing happens. Itchy, cold water trickles down her face and she shakes it again before giving the trigger another pull. That once again results in nothing.

Huffing loudly she stomps towards the edge of the roof and grabs a fat drain pipe, muttering to herself. “Whatever. I didn't want you to work, anyway.”

Her coat tail whips in the wind as she swings herself over the edge and she squeezes the sleek surface tight when she descends down. Water splashes against her face and her backside gets soaked from her landing in a muddy puddle that made a home out of the eroded cobblestone at the base of the drain.

Pinkie Pie gallops across the street and slides to cover by a stack of crates, and after taking a quick peek to the left, ride, up, side and side, and inside the crate for good measure she clambers up the crates towards a window covered in bars. After a quick test she merely pulls them off of the wall and sets them on top of her crate, and then she wiggles her grapple blade underneath the window and grunts as her muscles strain themselves against the lock's strength.

Thankfully the lock on the window quickly pops loose, but it does snap the wood and crack the glass, causing her to cringe and freeze.

All Pinkie Pie hears is her controlled breathing and the rain beating against her and the eyesore of an environment. Though, to be safe she waits a few more seconds before pushing the window up. The wood squeaks and screams like an obnoxious child, pushing Pinkie's heart to beat like a terrified bird trapped in a cage,

Once the window is up far enough she rolls inside and falls flat on her stomach with a splash. The landing pushes the air out of her lungs, leaving her to cough and suck in air while rain pours in around her.

“Oi, ya hear that?” says a stallion out of sight.

Pinkie Pie covers her mouth and stares in the direction of the voice, her blue eyes shining in the dark and her ears drooped.

“I hear your nasty breathing,” says another stallion.

“Nah, I'm serious. I think somepony just broke in,” says the first stallion.

Steps approach and Pinkie Pie crawls backwards, disappearing entirely into the shadows of the hallway. Seconds later a pair of stallions arrive. One is a burly earth pony covered in a ratty jacket and wearing a brown derbie hat. The other is a unicorn who is a bit taller than her and is wearing an old coat. His horn is glowing in a soft blue, enforcing the shadows on his face when he wrinkles his brows and muzzles at the mess.

“I told ya somepony broke in,” says the burly stallion.

Pinkie Pie shifts her hoof on the floor and crouches lower, her tail now swishing slowly.

The unicorn nods. “Yeah. We gotta get the boss out of here.”

Pinkie Pie blinks and flicks her eyes over them. Then time slows to a crawl when she leaps out of cover and takes two hops towards the unicorn. She jumps on his back, and as he buckles and opens his mouth to scream she slams his head into the floor, propels herself off of him and punches the large stallion in his throat. He gags and stumbles back, and Pinkie Pie slides on the floor and rams her hoof into the side of his back knee. He collapses and howl of pain is garbled mess that no one can possibly hear, and Pinkie Pie jumps up and uses her momentum to punch down on the top of his skull. The stallion falls next to his unconscious partner and his hat rolls away.

Pinkie Pie sighs, shakes her limbs, and then grabs the hat and gallops down the hall. She bursts through a door and with next to no thought she straddles herself on the curved railing of the winding staircase. The metal squeaks from the wet fabric rubbing against it, and before she reaches the end of the rail she jumps off, rolls behind a pillar, and presses her body against it. She pokes her head out from cover and looks down into a chamber that is occupied by a dozen ponies surrounding a chained down teenage filly in a tattered white dress that is covered in streaks of black.

Her light magenta coat is stained with grime, her pale violent and white mane is also ruffled and knotted, jut like her tail, but she is still somehow holding defiance in her eyes. In front of her is a board with four dozen wooden cards, all attached to poles.

“You think you can get away with this? My father will kick your flank all the way to the sun and make sure your family never sees a bit again!” says the hostage, Diamond Tiara.

The pony she is talking to is an earth pony that is exactly like Filthy Rich described in the letter. His pale white fur almost glows in the dim light of the chamber, and his green and red stripped mane appears to not have been brushed in years. Even his blue trench coat and the yellow vest beneath it seem to have been pulled from the garbage.

The Captor giggles and pats Diamond's cheek. “Silly filly, I have to care about those things for that to work on me.” He then hooks his hoof around her neck and presses her close to his body while pointing at the board. “Now, we're going to play a game. It is going to be a fun game. It is going to be a very fun game of memory and suspense! Give it a whirl!”

A stallion approaches the board and presses a lever. All ninety six cards spin around, and from what Pinkie Pie can see, all of them have pictures of weapons, rabid animals, body parts and portraits,one of which is a picture of Diamond. A pair of the pictures oddly have a bag of money.

“For every mismatch you make I kill a random pony. Pick wisely, Princess,” says the Captor. He squishes her cheek with a hard peck and skips towards the board, leaving Diamond's defiance to crumble in her pale state.

A shiver runs up Pinkie Pie's spine. She partially blames it on the Captor's voice, but most of it rests on the fact that someone is trying to sneak up on her. Though, when Pinkie Pie turns to confront the sneaker, she sees his muzzle is wrapped in a ghostly lavender tendril. His eyes are wide with panic, but they gradually get heavier. After some seconds his eyes close, his body goes limp, and he is gently lowered to the floor by a light purple unicorn mare with violet eyes and a dark mane with stripes of violet and rose tied to a bun. She is wearing a purple vest and tie with a pale purple dress shirt underneath and has thick rimmed glasses perched on her nose, as well as a derbie hat tailored for unicorns.

Pinkie Pie grins. “Hey, Sparkly.”

'Sparkly', a.k.a. Twilight Sparkle, returns the look with bemusement. “You left the stove on.”

“I was preheating it.”

“For ten hours?”

“Yes. But, lookie.” Pinkie Pie pulls Twilight to the edge and points at the scene below. “We got them. Where's Bronze Shield?”

“Coming.”

“Ewww.”

“What? No, Pinkie, that's not what I meant. He's on his way.”

“Oh... Well, we don't have time to wait.”

And with that, she scurries off into the shadows, ignoring Twilight's hushed calls for her to come back. Her steps make next to no sound as her hoofs barely touch the stone in the dark stairwell. When she emerges into the chamber she charges the nearest pony and slams his head against the wall. The result is a loud crack and the pony crumbles with a spot of red inside a circle of cracks.

All eyes fall on her and right as the next closest pony draws his revolver from his hoof-holster, Pinkie Pie has rolled towards him, hooked her hoof around his neck and swung herself on top of him. She punches the back of his head, forcing him to the ground. His gun goes off and his teeth break, and the bullet rips into the shoulder of the pony operating the board. He screams and falls into the display, knocking it over, thus leading it to snap into pieces upon impacting the floor.

As Pinkie Pie's second most recent victim wails on the floor, holding his mouth, unpleasant stabs of a dozen vibrating knives wiggle their way into her body. Her ears droop at the sight of nine different guns aimed at her, but when they fire, all the bullets bounce off of a purple shield that has appeared around her. Cracks appear from the shots, but Pinkie Pie can still see through and watches with glee as Twilight appears in a flash between two thugs, levitates both of them, slams them together and throws them across the chamber into a pile of crates.

Splintered wood and loose straw spill all over the floor and Pinkie Pie jumps out of the shield, gallops towards a crook who has his sights on Twilight and punches him in the liver. His weapon drops from his pained, explosive gasp and as he buckles, she runs him into the ground and punches him in the face.

Next thing Pinkie Pie knows, there is a bright flash of light, screams of pain and shock, and a terrible ringing in her ears. Her eyes burn, her ears throb from the high pitched ringing, and everything sounds like it is underwater and all the colors appear bleached. Thugs stagger around, firing blindly, blowing out chunks of pillars and floors, and as this happens streaks of purple strike them, sending them flying back with smoky trails of light purple following them.

When the disorientation dissipates, Pinkie Pie blinks the residual bleached colors away and sees thee remaining thugs lying on the ground, groaning and smoking, and Twilight approaching the Captor, who is lying on the floor like a statue of a pony frozen in mid-gallop.

Pinkie Pie grins and climbs off her victim to trot to Twilight. “I knew there was a reason why I hired you.”

Without looking at Pinkie Pie, Twilight's horn glows and the chains holding Diamond Tiara glow purple, then shatter. “You're an idiot. You almost got yourself killed!”

“Wouldn't be the first time.” Pinkie Pie slaps Diamond Tiara on the shoulder playfully, though it still knocks her off balance and brings out a wince. “How you doing, Diamond?”

“Don't touch me,” says Diamond sharply as she rubs her shoulder. “Did my father send you?”

“He sure did.”

Diamond Tiara scoffs. “Took long enough.”

“How about a thank you?” says Twilight flatly.

“You're getting paid. That's all the thanks you need.”

“She does have a point,” says Pinkie Pie.

Twilight shoots her a nasty glare, and she smiles sheepishly and shrugs. Then there is a distant bang, and a dozen sets of hoofs storm in, all shouting indistinctly. Seconds later, ponies in blue jackets with black hats and golden badges rush in, all brandishing weapons. Leading them is a chunky, poorly groomed unicorn stallion of bronze and yellow color wearing a brown trench jacket levitating a revolver.

“Police! Everypony freeze!” shouts the leader.

The criminals moan in response.

“You're too late, Bronze Shield!” says Diamond Tiara. “These two already saved me. Honestly, what does my father pay you for?”

The leader, Bronze Shield, sulks with drooped ears. “Oh... uh, I guess he pays me for...”

Diamond Tiara rolls her eyes and marches her way to the officers with her nose in the air. “Stop your blabbering and take me home. Might as well make some use out of you.”

“R-Right, of course. Um...” Bronze Shield looks around, and then waves at his officers. “Well, get going, lads. Tie them up, put them in the dungeons.”

The officers begin rounding up the fallen criminals, with the Captor's petrified body being cuffed like an X and his muzzle covered, and as this happens Bronze Shield nods to Twilight and Pinkie Pie.

“Thank you for your help, ladies,” he says. “A job well done.”

Twilight nods and Pinkie Pie grins and bows.

“No problem,” says Pinkie Pie.

Bronze Shield nods again and gallops off when Diamond Tiara screeches at him to hurry up. Pinkie Pie cringes with drooped ear and Twilight frowns and shakes her head. Once Bronze Shield is out of sight, Pinkie Pie takes a deep breath and looks at Twilight.

“So~” begins Pinkie Pie slowly while rubbing the back of her neck. “Wanna grab some veggie shawarma?”