Pinkie Pie

“I really don't see why you put yourself through this,” says Twilight, her nose buried in a newspaper with 'COLOR WHEEL SENTENCED TO DEATH' as the headline and her body curled comfortably on a circular couch. “It ends badly for you every time.”

Pinkie Pie tilts a large mirror slightly and marvels at her outfit. A light pink, airy dress shirt is beneath her black corset with a rainbow ribbon down the center and collar, balloons on its sides, and a pink sash with a skirt matching the designs of the corset.

“They don't end all badly,” says Pinkie Pie. “Some of them end up good.”

“Having somepony put a restraining order on you after the first date is not good,” says Twilight.

“That was only one time and he started it.”

“Mhm.” Twilight flips a page of her newspaper. “And the other thirty five times?”

Pinkie Pie whips around, eyes wide and mouth slack. “You've been counting?”

“Yes I have.”

Pinkie Pie's mane deflates, and with sagging ears she looks back at the mirror, forcing a smile to appear.

“Well, in my defense, the other times did not end in restraining orders. Besides, I'm sure this time things will be different. He seemed nice when I met him,” says Pinkie Pie.

“And where did you meet him?” asks Twilight.

“That minute-date place down the street.”

Twilight puts down her newspaper and stares at Pinkie Pie, her expression as flat as a salt plain.

“Really? Minuette's Minute-Date Plaza?” says Twilight. “That place is a front for illegal activity.”

Pinkie Pie trots towards a night stand next to a space heater and uses a brush that is resting next to her grapple gauntlet to brush her mane. Each brush brings back a little bit more of her normal puff.

“Don't be a hater. The food's great. The staff's great. The place is great. Ten-ten if I can rate it,” says Pinkie Pie.

“It's just that -aside from that place's notoriety- minute-dating sounds like a really inefficient way to get to know somepony. There's too many variables involved to be covered in just one minute,” says Twilight.

Pinkie Pie points at Twilight with her brush, leaving half of her mane flat and the other half airy. “Hey, at least I'm trying. You're just sitting here, being a blah and a blerg and all kinds of dull.”

“I'm not dull! We can even ask Spike when he comes back. He'll prove that I'm not dull.”

Pinkie Pie sighs sadly and puts her hoof on Twilight's shoulder.

“Twilight, I love you, but when you're not on a job you're about as interesting as a wet carrot,” says Pinkie Pie.

“But wet carrots are interesting,” says Twilight. “Have you actually studied one?”

Pinkie Pie pulls away, flabbergasted. “Wow. You need to get out more.”

Just then the door opens up and the only civilized dragon in Equestria enters. Spike Sparkle's reptilian emerald eyes are lively and his purple scales are covered by a white dress shirt, a green vest with ruby buttons, and a red tie. Over his dashing attire is a coat tailored for his unique dragon stature and a nifty top hat with an owl feather in it.

Pinkie Pie whistles. “Look at you. Who are you trying to impress, Spike?”

Spike removes his hat and smiles bashfully, pinching its brim between his fingers.

“Rarity made it for me,” he says.

“And how much did that cost?” asks Twilight, her nose out of her newspaper solely for the purpose of scrutinizing Spike's apparel.

“Nothing much.”

“How much?”

“Nothing pricey.”

Twilight narrows her eyes and sits up on the couch, glaring down at him.

“How much?” repeats Twilight.

Spike chuckles nervously. “Only ten bits.”

“Teh-” Twilight sputters. “Ten bits? Ten bits! Are you serious!?”

Twilight hops off the couch and uses her magic to levitate Spike as she frantically inspects him, fin to tail, right to left, speaking each sentence in a sequence of broken words and high pitched panic.

“Ten bits! Ten bits! I can't believe you!” Twilight places her hoofs on Spike's shoulders and peers deep into his eyes, burning his very soul with condemnation. “Do you have any idea what you've just done!?”

“Bought a snazzy suit with my allowance?” offers Spike meekly.

“What?” Twilight looks at Pinkie Pie, who has basically ignored the commotion to brush her hair. “Pinkie, can you believe his ignorance?”

Pinkie Pie looks at the duo's reflection in her mirror, and uses said mirror to flash a smile at Spike. “Relax, Twilight. You got to admit he looks good. He'll be thot hunting before you know it!”

"PINKIE!"

Spike smirks and haughtily tugs at his coat. “I'm glad somepony admires quality.”

Twilight drops Spike and trots to Pinkie Pie, shaking her head and ignoring the seething from the dragon as he rubs his butt.

“You don't get it,” says Twilight. “That allowance money is supposed to be used for something more suitable than a suit. Like a book or a chemistry set or season passes to the museum. Or even stocks!”

Pinkie Pie sighs and patiently looks at Twilight as she places her brush down. “Twilight, what is the point of giving him an allowance if he is not allowed to spend his money like he wants to?”

“Thank you!” says Spike.

“I'm trying to teach him responsibility,” counters Twilight.

“Then let him learn, silly goose.” Pinkie Pie lightly knocks on Twilight's skull, and when her unicorn companion brushes her hoof away she heads towards the door. “I'm going out for lunch, so behave. Don't burn the house down and feel free to raid the snacks.”

“Can I come?” asks Spike. “I want to impress the ladies.”

“The future you can. This is me time.” Pinkie Pie opens the doors and looks over her shoulder, sporting a teasing smile. “Maybe you and Twilight can boil carrots together while I'm gone.”

Spike's stature deflates with a groan. “Aw man. I don't wanna do that again.”

Pinkie Pie snickers and shuts the door when she is out, which turns into a signal for all of the stench of smog, burning coal and wet grime to assault her nose. As long as she has been in Ponyville she has never gotten used to the smell or the distant rumble of aqua-powered textile plants placed on the river bordering the growing city. But it is her new home so she has to take the bad with the good.

As she walks down the dirty cobblestone road, she passes a row of stone tables and benches set up in a surprisingly green park with a statue of swirling alicorns next to them. One is made of marble and the other onyx, and the former lined with gold and the latter with silver. The stone tables are also finely decorated with carved in flowers and prancing foals, and all of them are occupied by ponies pitting themselves in a game of chess with a random stranger or old friends. For Pinkie Pie, she has never actually played chess, but has seen Twilight play it countless times and beat everyone that she crossed. That said, she has learned a few things from watching Twilight slaughter the helpless.

“Move him to B-7 for a checkmate,” says Pinkie Pie, after taking a quick moment to lean over the shoulder of a gamboge pegasus scrutinizing his pieces.

This simple statement perks his ears and earns her a condemning glare from the unicorn across the table. She ignores the look and trots off, humming brightly and manages to go another block before a heavy Southern drawl fills her ears.

“You, ma'am!” says a filly.

Pinkie Pie looks out of the corner of her eye and spots the notorious Apple Bloom zipping towards her from her spot at an apple cart. Thankfully the teenager slow down to a trot before she runs her over, but Pinkie Pie keeps walking, despite the red-headed filly's attempt to talk to her.

“Care to buy some apples?” asks Apple Bloom.

“Not today,” says Pinkie Pie.

Apple Bloom swings in front of Pinkie Pie and smiles up at her, straining her neck, eyes and lips to smile like a bug-eyed shyster.

“Why not?” asks Apple Bloom, stepping closer to force Pinkie Pie backwards.

“I have plenty at home,” says Pinkie Pie. She looks over her shoulder and sees Apple Blooms two ruffian friends -Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo- at the cart, also harassing passerby's.

“Are you sure?” asks Apple Bloom, her smile warping to a skeptical frown.

“Pretty sure.”

“You're pretty sure, but you're not absolutely positively super-duper sure, are you?”

Pinkie Pie stops backpedaling and looks over Apple Bloom's scrawny teenage frame and the accusing glare she is now giving her.

“If I buy an apple will you let me go?” asks Pinkie Pie.

Apple Bloom's harsh expression brightens like one of them fancy electric bulbs. “All right!”

Pinkie Pie sighs, gives Apple Bloom a bit, snags an apple from the cart and trots away. Then she hears it.

“Hey! This is a chocolate bit!” shouts Apple Bloom.

And Pinkie Pie bolts.

After a good five minutes of running, slipping through the crowd, zigzagging through alleys, hopping over boxes for no reason other than just because they were there, Pinkie Pie comes to a stop in front of a square shaped building with a tower on each corner, electric lamps in equal increments around its stone wall, and steel bars over the windows. There is also a set of heavy wooden doors with metal plates and a tree painted on them. Above in bold metal letters is: PONYVILLE LOCAL GUARD STATION.

Barely panting and sweating, Pinkie Pie stares at the words, mind working like a lone miner in a dark tunnel digging for the gem of knowledge in an attempt to figure out how the heck she got there. Though, before any recollection of the path her sporadic running can be made the doors open up and Bronze Shield appears with a group of guards flanking him.

“Now, she's never in one place for long, so we got to split up and search her favorite spots,” says Bronze Shield. “I'll start at her house. You and Caramel can go to the Sugar Cube Corner, and-”

“There she is,” interrupts one of the guards, pointing at Pinkie Pie.

Bronze Shield stops and looks down the steps at Pinkie Pie, and she looks at them, hiding her confusion with an innocent smile. An awkward, heavy silence rolls over the group, and Bronze Shield clicks his tongue and paws at the stone stairs.

“Well...” starts Bronze Shield. “Hi, there.”

Pinkie Pie waves. “Hello. How is life?”

“Fine.” Bronze Shield takes an unsteady breath and walks down the stairs of the station, each step careful, and when he is in front of Pinkie Pie he fails to keep his eyes on hers. “Listen, this is going to sound a bit strange, but Color Wheel wants to speak with you. Personally. Like one on one.”

Pinkie Pie blinks. “Can't it wait? I have to meet up with someone for lunch.”

“No. Color Wheel is getting the noose in a few hours and speaking to you was his last request.”

“Oh... Well, this is awkward...”

After a couple of minutes of talking, begging, denying, more begging and finally caving in to the bizarre request put in front of her, Pinkie Pie and Bronze Shield make their way below the guard station. The air is cold and muggy, the dim lights flicker, puddles of water collect at the base of the walls, and nearly a dozen sets of noisy stepping hoofs ricochet off the barren walls.

As the group walks, Pinkie Pie looks at each cells, noting how they are all empty, and she looks at the guards around her and sees the discomfort pinching at their faces.

“Where are the rest of the prisoners?” asks Pinkie Pie.

“They have been moved,” says Bronze Shield. “Color Wheel has a way of getting into heads so for safety reasons we had them moved to another block.”

“Why didn't you just put him in solitary?”

Bronze Shield opens his mouth, but then clamps it shut and rubs his chin in a state of deep pondering, leaving Pinkie Pie to walk ahead without much care. Though, when she rounds the corner she stops, for sitting in the cell directly in front of her just a few dozen paces away is Color Wheel. Only Color Wheel isn't pale or appearing crazy.

His coat is blue, but has traces of white, his mane is no longer red and green, but is white with the dye remaining at his roots. Most bizarre of all is that his crazy smile and eyes are completely nonexistent. His demeanor is relaxed on his old cot and etched into the wall of his cell is a triangle made up of the infinity symbols all linked together by orbs.

“There you are,” says Color Wheel, smiling gratefully. “I am honestly surprised that you showed up so fast. I thought you had better things to do than visit me.”

Pinkie Pie furrows her brows, raises a hoof and looks at Bronze Shield, who is now next to her, but is out of sight of Color Wheel thanks to the corner. Seeing her confusion, he nods and she blinks and lowers her hoof, putting her focus back on Color Wheel.

“You clean up nice,” says Pinkie Pie carefully. “You actually look sane.”

Color Wheel chuckles. It chills the air and brings a sensation of sharp spiders crawling along Pinkie Pie's spine.

“Thank you. It can be tiresome acting like an unhinged maniac on a daily basis,” says Color Wheel. “Though, I have to say you look lovely when you aren't dressed like a hobo.”

“Thanks, but I didn't dress up for you,” replies Pinkie Pie. “It was for somepony else.”

“I'm sure they'll be a lucky lad if you can keep them.”

Pinkie Pie remains quiet, and Color Wheel crawls off his cot, yawning and stretching out with his hindquarters up and face nearly to the floor. When he is done stretching and yawning he approaches his cell bars and casually inspects them.

“Did you know that these bars are enchanted to drain energy?” says Color Wheel. “The more you interact with them the more of your energy is sucked out and stored so that way if a prisoner tries to escape they are met with a nasty surprise.”

Pinkie Pie steps closer, noticing the faint shimmer on the cell bars, and she closely follows Color Wheel's movements when he puts his eyes on her.

“Did you figure that out from personal experience?” asks Pinkie Pie.

“It happened in my past life,” says Color Wheel. “I was just a poor, dumb colt in Fillydelphia who pressed their luck. Killed myself with a heart attack from messing with these things. The funeral would have been better if there weren't so many fake tears.”

“That sounds like a crazy dream you had.”

“A crazy reality is more like it.”

Silence comes between the two. Somewhere water drips. Somewhere wires hum. Somewhere the conversations of ponies is carried to their spot. Though, what they are about Pinkie Pie is not sure, all she knows is that she liked the Crazy Color Wheel better. This Cool Cucumber Color Wheel is completely different in mannerisms and voice, and she even subtly moves her eyes up and down his body in an attempt gauge his height. But her little inspection gives her a disappointing answer. He is the same height and weight as the one caught in the old warehouse, and his eyes are the same color, too. They just lack the display of insanity that he branded himself with.

“Is there a reason why you wanted me here, or can I just go?” asks Pinkie Pie.

“I'm wondering how you and your unicorn friend found me,” replies Color Wheel. “I thought I covered my tracks, but you and your mare friend came along and ruined my game.”

“Everypony's got a pattern, even if they think they don't have one. You were actually way too easy to find when I figured out your game.”

Color Wheel hums thoughtfully and tilts his head up slightly. This brings Pinkie Pie to look up where his eyes are aiming and sees a moth beating against a light bulb. She quickly looks away from the boring sight.

“I see,” says Color Wheel. He looks at Pinkie Pie with a lazy smile. “Can you tell me what my flaw was?”

“Why do you want to know? You're gonna die soon,” says Pinkie Pie.

Color Wheel shrugs. “I would like to learn from my mistakes.”

“Well, you're gonna die, so I wouldn't worry about it.”

“I'm not going to be dying any time soon.”

“I think you are.”

“I don't think so.”

“Uh, yeah.”

“Uh, no.”

“You're gonna get hung. That kinda equals death.”

Color Wheel holds out his hoof, grinning widely. “Ah! Kinda. A vague, often meaningless filter to voice a bit of uncertainty.”

Pinkie Pie blinks and her lips scrunch as she stares at Color Wheel's triumphant grin. After some seconds she shakes her head and heads towards the door.

“I'm running late for a lunch. Enjoy your last meal,” says Pinkie Pie.

“And how many times will you fake a smile on this date?” says Color Wheel.

Pinkie Pie's blood and bones flash freezes, and despite her best efforts, her eye still twitches. When she turns around, Color Wheel has his muzzle pressed against the bars, and his eyes and teeth shine in the dim light.

“I really have no idea what you're talking about,” says Pinkie Pie.

“You mean you kinda have no idea what I'm talking about,” says Color Wheel. “You aren't the only one who can read, you know? I can see those mental gears turning, your eyes consuming, the paranoia eroding your very soul. It is quite tragic seeing a proper bit of frock like yourself having no return ticket. I wonder if your friend knows how close to the edge you are.”

“I would love to chat about why you are completely wrong, but-” Pinkie Pie taps her blank hoof “-look at the time. I gotta go. Have fun explaining to Celestia why you were an evil jerk.”

Color Wheel smirks. “Very well. I would love to hear your story when we meet again.”

Pinkie Pie hurries towards the door. “Bezpieczna podróż.”

And the last thing she hears from Color Wheel is his odd chuckle.

Once she rounds the corner, she takes a deep breath, shakes her head and shoulders, and trots towards Bronze Shield, who is surrounded by a group of guards and is nibbling his lips anxiously.

“What did he want?” asks Bronze Shield.

“He just wanted to mess around,” says Pinkie Pie.

“Really?”

“Yep. Have fun with him. I'm gonna grab some lunch.”

Pinkie Pie leaves without another word, but once she is outside, getting her nose punched by the stench of urban Ponyville, she takes another moment to collect her thoughts. This proves to be a waste of a good few seconds since her thoughts have become about as organized as a shaken box of puzzles with some of the pieces taken out. So, rather than wasting more time in trying to make sense of the bizarre conversation, Pinkie Pie forces her hoofs to move, and she quickly walks down the muddy path of Ponyville, giving herself a pain in the neck from forcing her head to stay straight. She then hops on a passing trolley decorated with bright colors and swirling letters spelling “Rich Trolley Company”, takes an empty seat in the back, and closes her eyes; and in the darkness she plunges herself into, Color Wheel's chuckle follows.