“Human!”

I sighed, averting my gaze from the TV, my brow raised as I faced the stairway leading upstairs.

“What?” I called.

A moment or two passed before Cadance responded. “I need your help!”

“With what?”

“The spaceship!”

I winced. What the hell is she talking about?

“What did you say?” I called back.

A beat.

“The motherfucking spaceship!”

Yeah, no, I definitely heard that right. I sat up on the living room sofa, and rolled my shoulders back, rocking back and forth as I balanced myself on my feet. “Hold on!”

I took my first couple steps towards the bottom of the stairs.

“Hold on to what? I have hooves, dork!”

A groan rumbled from my chest. The stairs creaked as I ascended them. Once I made it to the top I peered down the hall to a room with a cracked door and bright light leaking out into the dim hall—the bathroom.

The door squealed as I pushed my way inside.

“Scott!” she shouted, earning a painful grimace from me. “Scott I need you to show me the controls—” she glanced over her shoulder, and stopped. “Oh, I didn’t know you came up.”

Cadance stood right in the middle of the shower, her eyes flitting around the room rapidly, studying. “I need you to show me how to work this shit,” she said, making a wide gesture around the shower.

“The shower?”

“No. The spaceship.”

I lifted a finger to protest but promptly put it back down, and pursed my lips. After a second of contemplation I decided to go ahead and ask anyways. “Are you being serious right now or…?”

“Yes!” she exclaimed, throwing a foreleg up.

“Well, first of all, it’s not a spaceship—”

“No shit, Sherlock Hooves.”

“You know Sherlock Holmes?”

“Why would I know where Sherlock Hooves’ home is at—why are you asking?”

I pinched the bridge of my nose. “Know what. Nevermind. What’s the problem?”

“Well, I was going to use your shower, but I seem to have slept through a couple of magic lessons in Equestria, because I have no idea what sorcery this is.” Once again, in a sweep of the foreleg, she gestured to the shower.

I pursed my lips. “So what specifically is wrong with the shower?”

“How do you turn it on?” she whined.

I ambled over to her side, just outside the shower, and reached for the knob. She hopped out quickly, and I pulled the knob outward, unlocking it from its place. Then, I jerked the knob up and twisted it clockwise. Water streamed out of the shower head.

“Ta-da,” I said, shaking my magical hands to and fro. “Miracle worker, I know.”

She stared at me, unimpressed. “You don’t have very many girls over do you?”

My eyes widened. “Uh, no, why?”

“Because there’s not a chance in hell, no one has complained about your shower.”

“Well you’d be wrong, because no one has complained—”

“Because no one’s been in it!” she barked.

Eh, point taken.

She outstretched a hoof, and immediately yanked it back with a shrill ‘yip’ as it brushed under the stream of water.
“Okay, this isn’t going to work.” she said. “Your shower has no temperature on it, it’s either gonna be scalding demon piss or yakyakistan cold.”

I cocked a brow. “What kind of cold?”

She shook her head. “Sorry, yaks that live way up North in their own settlement. Very tribal creatures.”

“Ah, just like the people that live in the Nunavut territory.”

“Yeah, I don’t understand none of it either.”

I frowned. This was going to be a long-standing thing, wasn’t it?

“I need to bathe. Is there anything else I could do?”

I rubbed my chin, nothing jumping to mind unless…

I smirked.

“You know what, there’s one thing we could try.”

We stood on my back patio. It was mid-afternoon, the heat of day. Perfect time for some water.

I had everything I needed to wash a large dog, or in this case, a very small pastel pony. I had a shampoo bottle, a sponge and a brush.

Cadance stood on the edge of the patio, peering over my sloping backyard. “So what are we doing? Is there like a river further down? Or a lake? Or a spa, please tell me there’s a spa—”

“Hey, Cadance.”

She turned to me

“Wha—”

I turned on the hose.

“YOU STUPID BITCH!”

Author's Note

It's 7am so I'm going to bed.

Also, not sure if any of the jokes land here, buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut I'm not funny so no worries.