The Memoir

2.00 – Animosity Towards the Solar Monarch and 2nd admission of Sin

To those outside Our State, the states of Our Allies, or the sovereign nation of Equestria who may not know the origins of my… distaste for the Solar Monarch, I will attempt to explain my positioning and reasons. However, I do not expect anyone to respect them, sympathize, or understand it. This is a simple recollection of thoughts on the matter. Maybe some will even label this as a simple rant, a simple rant about someone I may have called friend many winters ago.

Now the Solar Monarch, Celestia, once had a sister. Her name was Luna. They ran a kingdom to the north of Our Tundra, in a land encompassing many biomes and species. In the name of Harmony and Unification they stopped the icing over of the world by the energy absorbing Windigos. These Windigos were beasts that were supposedly composed of the hatred and bigotry of the pony tribes towards themselves and other species. In these stories about the origins of the Windigos a lot of weight is placed on the power of emotions and there negative effects on the world around us. If I hadn't seen entire species survive off such magical emotional energies I would have dismissed these stories as mere fairy tales but with what I've experienced, I'm leaning more towards believing such stories. Anyway, after capturing one of these beasts and placing it through many examinations and tests I have a few theories about these Windigos. The beasts, in my opinion, survived on ambient energy, absorbing sunlight and heat alike to run their near indestructible bodies. And speaking of said bodies, their forms had this ethereal and transparent nature about them. However their fragile appearance and beauty did not make obvious their near invisibility nature. Their bodies, from my studies, were entirely immune to most outside energies and magic's. However, they had to consume flesh to maintain these bodies, otherwise they "evaporate". This flesh can be damn near anything from the tissue of plants all the way to the flesh of rational creatures, like you and I. It didn’t matter to them. Luckily, they left Our Tundra alone. The already low temperatures and low quantities of available flesh made it difficult for them to survive the long treks between major states. So they remained to the north of us, in the broken pony lands.

After the defeat of the Windigos, a new age of Harmony reigned as the major ideology of the ponies with Celestia as their Goddess of the Sun and Queen of the State of Equestria with Luna as her lesser co-ruler. At first I didn’t believe two fleshly entities could control such large celestial bodies but they did. Celestia and Luna, the Goddesses of the Sun and Moon respectably, ran a messy body of states under the Equestrian flag even after the Unification. The ponies of Equestria are a unique bunch, they have this all too familiar tendency to stereotype and simplify all they come across. Now if only they categorized everything as well then they’d remind me of my own species but lists, check boxes, and the such have remained to be seen, along with other things.

Anyway, the Diarchs and I met as would any leaders of neighboring states would. They seemed like pleasant company. I could even admire their love for tradition and collectivistic ideals, reminded me of my old culture back Home. And Harmony didn’t seem to bad either. All it meant back then was the acceptance and tolerance of all rational beings in and outside the state within the reason that acceptance and tolerance was shown back. Through Harmony, adversity can and will be overcome. It was a simple and very idealistic rationale that I could admire for its innocence. One thing though, I did notice that Unification and Harmony seemed almost interchangeable to the Diarchs but that might’ve just been a weakness of the spoken word being translated poorly or maybe I am just reading too much into it. Looking at the present and reflecting on the thought, I am still not sure if this meant anything but nonetheless I gave them a chance. I opened our borders so my Fellows and their citizens could openly trade and migrate as they pleased. Times were peaceful so I did not worry too much about any repercussions. Internal affairs needed my attention as the school system was already under equip to deal with our rise in population, so I was distracted.

Now unlike today, I kept an open door policy towards the Diarchs but only one would ever really indulge in it. Luna, that sweet misunderstood mare. I can still remember her turquoise eyes. It's been so long since I've seen her and maybe I never will again but my memories of her are still with me. And that is enough for now. Anyway, early on Luna and I kept in touch quite often during Equestria’s Unification. As her name would suggest Luna was quite literally the embodiment of a “night owl” only ever visiting during the midnight hours. Our first conversations were nothing special. Just testing the waters I suppose until Luna decided to loosen up a bit. Our sense of humor wasn't too similar but we both enjoyed the occasional battle of verbal insults and such when we were comfortable. But soon our conversation became more, intricate. Discussions of ideologies, struggles, past experiences and such topics sprang up. Each of us usually dismissing any trauma with a smile and a laugh saying how it's the past and it doesn't bother us. But if it really didn't, why did we bring it up so much? I honestly guess we both just wanted someone to vent to. Someone who can relate to our struggle and understand power and what it meant like we did. Why Luna didn't confide in her sister is common knowledge by now. A hint of jealousy wrapped in distrust and loneliness.

Once our talks became even more intricate we fully delved into the idea of "Harmony" and what it really meant. To counter Luna did the same to many aspects of Utility, or how I defined it. We talked and talked tearing into each other's ideology until we were satisfied with what was left. One point I made to Luna during these talks was how there is a natural order to our beliefs, a calling to apply our set of beliefs without considering context and shoving clearly defined rights and wrongs, goods and evils to all situations. I told her many times that both our ideologies required a natural enemy to help define what was right compared to wrong. Utility’s enemy was suffering, the Ultimate Sin, and those that practiced it, while Harmony just needed an outside entity of any description as their natural enemy or natural adversity. If Harmony and Unification were interchangeable, as I observed, those not unified in Harmony can be the enemy. This was my answer to her misunderstood night in Harmony's eyes. To most beings the night can never be unified with the day as they are polar opposites. And to be more specific, to the pony mind, the night is but a shroud to hind the ill-intentioned and dangerous. An adversity to be overcome through Harmony’s guiding light. With this point we tried to argue on how to unify the night and day to help Luna fit better into Harmony. Using old astrology knowledge from Earth we came up with this simple solution that was built into the very nature of the celestial bodies the two sisters possessed,

“Day and Night are unified via the light they share, the Moon does not produce light but reflects the light of the Sun. Thus they are unified by this light. Without the moon, night will be pitch and impossible to survive.”

This argument still put a lot of credit to the Sun but it unified the two celestial bodies as important and worthy of appreciation in the name of Harmony.

This helped Luna out tremendously, however she was but a reflection of the Sun. A lesser copy of the embodiment of Harmony and Unification and this still tore Luna apart as time passed. Things only became worse after Discord’s defeat and the discovery of the “Tree of Harmony”. Both those topics deserve their own chapters, so I will divulge my opinion of them in a later section. Anyway, Luna’s visits became more frequent and carnal in nature. Plays of sexual pleasuring, violent skirmishes (duels), and arguments over Harmony became our normal routine during visits. And the atmosphere during said activities were always the same. Tense, frustrated, and aggressive as if they were just a way to vent for Luna. I didn't mind it and encouraged the acts. They appeared to be helping and that is all I wished to do for the princess. So we just kept at it, it became our nightly routine. Sex, duels, and debates. And after a while I was able to piece together what was frustrating Luna, the definition of Harmony had shifted to something completely new in Equestria. This new change left Unification (Friendship) as only a sub-point of the idea. A critique of this contemporary Harmony will be discussed later as it does pertain to my distaste of the Solar Monarch. But this made our old argument less effective to a point and very much less impactful.

Now I couldn't leave Celestia in the dark, so to speak, that would be very dangerous to a Diarchy if one of the Diarchs was frustrated or even hated the other. So even though it was against Luna's wishes I kept Celestia informed of our more appropriate activities and discussions. As I started to piece together Luna's frustrations with whatever information she was willing to part with me, I did my best to inform Celestia to see if she can help. I also very much stressed the fact that Luna was telling me all this in confidence so if she did ever mention what I've explained to her, that Celestia should at least make it appear that she made these conclusions on her own with her own observations. I don't know if this helped at all or only made the situation worse, Luna never mentioned her sister during our time spent together.

Anyway, regarding the statement I made earlier in this chapter, there was a time I called Celestia a friend. Its hard not to after so many years of knowing one another. Not just that but we've engaged many of the same battles together, the most prominent being the liberation of the Crystal Empire. You cannot simply overthrow a tyrant without becoming closer to you sisters-in-arms. At the end of the day, you trusted them with your life and they didn't let you down. So I was close to Celestia, I insulted and criticized her on about a weekly basis but we both took it in stride. We both respected each other's power and rule over our respective States. We respected each other's ideals and critiqued them. We both enjoyed each other's company. We were friends. One thing I still remember about the old sun-butt was how much she enjoyed her otherworldly , god-motherly act. This mask of superiority and grace but I always found a way around it. It wasn't hard in all honesty, a few pranks and a friendly wrestling match or two removed any prim and proper mask Celestia decided to wear for the day. That or cake. Cake was much more effective but usually required a lot more money and you had to pray it didn't end with Celestia eating herself into a food coma. So to very much summarize our old relationship in as few words as possible, we were best friends. However, everything started to change after the discovery of that Tree. Celestia changed, not immediately but it was noticeable. I have my theories, but the one I point to the most is simple, Celestia found an Ideal to live for, a direct link to something Celestia believed was bigger than her. She lived for that damned "Tree of Harmony". I'll go into my thoughts about that Tree later. I will return my focus back to the tipping point of my aversion towards Celestia, which was Luna's transformation into the Nightmare.

I look back with regret at my helplessness towards Luna's blight, I wish I could have done more for her but I had the State to run and Luna knew this. So after several years of day to day visits, Luna made her presence increasingly scarce until one fateful winter night. Luna and I laid together in the Evergreen fields as she asked a simple question.

“If Utility demanded that you take my life, would you?”

Immediately I answered, “Yes.” Luna's reply was a quiet smile. She then laid her muzzle deeper into my neck and sighed. The next day was the birth of Nightmare Moon. After the Sun failed to rise the next morning, I did everything in my power to ensure our state would survive. Surplus was rationed to every family, warmth via any means was provided to every house, warm clothes and textile production was boosted, schools were shut down. Anything I could think of I put into practice for Our survival. From what I remember I made the estimation that all my efforts would help us survive for one cycle of the seasons, after that time frame the cold would become unbearable and kill us all.

So after all emergency protocols were set and executed, I ventured to Equestria to speak to Celestia, this is the tipping point of my distaste towards the Solar Queen. The way Celestia explained herself, or rather what I collected from what she stated was she was unwilling to sin for the preservation of her state, it peoples, and her “Harmony”. If she sinned Harmony would have sinned and thus lose its purity. Celestia and the Tree had become “Harmony”. What they were and interpreted became “Harmony”, became what was right, what was moral. I could not believe this. I pleaded with Celestia to think about what she was saying. That the Night Mare must be struck down for all that was right but to Celestia and “Harmony”, killing was unacceptable no matter the circumstance. I will never accept that notion, in times of War and Emergency, morality over the enemies’ wellbeing is a moot notion. The enemy wishes to destroy your Utility (your happiness), you destroy theirs in turn. We were not developed enough to privilege the idea of morality over the enemy. What Luna was doing would destroy us all and she took pleasure in that suffering. She must be killed.

Celestia banished me from Equestria after our meeting. Looking back, maybe Celestia was just explaining herself poorly. Maybe Celestia was just unwilling to kill her sister and not just unwilling to kill for the better of all effected. I don't know, I haven't bothered asking the Solar Queen and she's never mentioned anything about our meeting after all was said and done. I don't know... maybe I'm just a bad person for being so willing to kill in the name of happiness. Before my life on Eques I was never presented with power, so now that I am a god... how should I handle it all. My actions have real weight to them now. I can enforce my ideals with force alone. It is an odd feeling. I'll reflect on this line of though later, for now I should finish my thoughts on Celestia and Harmony.

At the time of my banishment from Equestria I did not care, I had Our State to save. So I went back home and instructed the production of geothermal caves to house my Fellows. Food was rationed further, piping and pumping became essential as water could kill all that stayed in the caves, clocks were mandated and their repair became essential. I tried everything I could to save our State but after what would have been one seasonal cycle the cold made its way into the caves. Thermodynamics was against us and I couldn’t fight that. We didn’t have the energy or resources to dig deeper so I did the last thing I could think of.

I gathered all my fellows into the epicenter of the geothermal caves and pulled out a thermostat.

“If this device reaches 20 degrees C tomorrow, you may all return to the surface.” My fellows crowded around me asked what I was planning and I simply replied. “I am bringing back the Sun.” I then ventured out into the sub-zero world I’d left one year ago, flew into the dark sky above our State, and became a star. To give a quick summary on my plan, I redirected my anatomy to abandon all else but the production of light and heat trying my best to mimic the Sun. I had to dal with the inefficient nature of biological heat production versus nuclear but it was all I knew. So to hold on for as long as I could, I grabbed all near-by ambient magic in the atmosphere to maintain this for much longer than I should have been able to naturally. To be honest, I didn't know how long I was up there when the Nightmare finally noticed me.

When she did finally decide to show her presence, she stalled. Maintaining a large distance between us until she finally felt like approaching. Even though I can't remember much during my time as a biological star, I can clearly recall what she had said to me.

“Has Utility not demanded you strike me down?”

I replied the best I could, “It did, my Night, but I missed my chance eternities ago, Utility now demands I preserve our State for as long as I can, so that is what I am doing.”

"We know thou could have found my being at any moment and struck us down but thou didn't. How could thou have failed to live up to what thou believed with such faith. How could thou have failed me...?

I could remember the feeling of slipping away, the stress of my actions finally reaching me. But then Luna did the funniest thing, she embraced me in her fore hooves and began to sing:

“Just wrap me in your arms, in your arms

I don't wanna be nowhere else

Take me from the dark, from the dark

I ain't gonna make it myself

Put your arms around me

Put your arms around me

Let your love surround me

I am lost, I am lost”

With whatever strength I had left I joined her:

“If I ain't got you here

If I ain't got you, I ain't got nothing at all

Can you hold me?

Can you hold me?

Can you hold me in your arms?”

I never taught her that old song but she must have learned it from my dreams. Afterward she gave whatever magic she could spare and left. Shortly after the Nightmare was defeated by Celestia and the “Tree” and the Sun quickly rose again.

At the Suns first light I plummeted to the ground and blacked out. A century I’ve been up there. One hundred years, to many I was nothing but a myth. A story told be the elders and most superstitious creatures. But I had returned and Our State would prosper once again. Progress had obviously stagnated during the period of cold as food was never in enough surplus to expand or increase population growth in a meaningful way. But the State survived. I ignored myself as long as I could to ensure I had all available time to get Our State into a proper functioning state. Then Celestia came. Our Tundra had been the only land to survive the onslaught of the moon in a meaningful way. Other rational creatures made it out alive but states were demolished, cultures extinct, and happiness lost to time. Most had the same idea I had early on, to dig but that only worked so well. Hunger infected the entire world but our tiny plot of half frozen soil.

I agreed to see her and I came up with an agreement. A loan to Equestria for the cost of compounding interest and a duel. She did not object, she had no power to. To give this some context, Celestia was the only leader I forced into a duel, all others were just charged a small interest rate for our help. I wish I could have just helped in the name of Utility but our State was in no condition to privilege that kind of generosity.

The day of the duel was a bright one. We stood on the border or Our Tundra and Equestria. Many of my Fellows followed me and as the duel started they sung. I don’t know how they learned the song of my late Silent Night but there they sang it. “Can you hold me” was all you could hear. With that, I sobbed as I lunged at Celestia, the world was in slow motion and invisible as I smashed my withered fist into Celestia’s pristine muzzle. Even in my weakened state I was a god of flesh. Celestia stood no chance, my power and magic was of the flesh, hers was that of the celestials. Her body just could not compete with mine.

By the end of the melody, I stood over a beaten and belittled Celestia. My fellows, entranced by the song they sung, never questioned my violence towards the Solar Monarch. This is my second admission of Sin and I regret it daily. It was senseless and irrational, only acted upon to improve my own happiness. Afterward, I healed the Solar Monarch and returned her to her capital. She remembered the beating the day after and maintained my banishment from Equestria but gladly took our help. From that day on only students, traders, and a set number of immigrants from Equestria were allowed in the Tundra and our State.

2.01 - Critique of Contemporary Harmony

Contemporary Harmony is an ethics based on Solar Worship. There is no separation between Celestia and Harmony as it stands right now. Her word is goodness, her word is morality. And this is a problem as Celestia is guided by the “Tree”. The “Tree” is an irrational creature of crystalline flesh. It is a reactionary force that acts to preserve itself in the face of danger.

Firstly, Discord with his breed of chaos was a direct danger to the “Tree”. Discord had a phenomenal power over all that was irrational. Be it simple animals, inanimate objects, or plant life. He could also grant rationality to that which had none and reduce the rationality of those creatures that possessed it. This put the “Tree” in direct danger as Discord could quite literally erase it from existence by simply transforming it into a lesser form. So it protected itself with a “suit of armor”. The “Tree” surrounded itself with a newly created breed of Evergreen, ones that were not of my design. These “Everfree” trees took ambient magic and transformed it into chaotic magic which was used to feed them. This disguised the “Tree” and made an impenetrable shield around it against Discord. He simply could not arrive anywhere near the “Tree” without being sapped of all that gave him life by the Everfree forest. This shows the Tree’s reactionary nature. It does not care for morality or rationality; it just wants to survive.

It is known that morality and rationality are preemptive in nature; they are linked to the nature of a rational being. They are code to live by, not a reaction to an enemy. Experience may shape your morality but it is not your morality. To counter the first major argument, survival is rational but it alone does not prove rationality. Secondly, the “Tree” is said to act in mysterious ways with and I quote “a rationality that is beyond us”. No it doesn’t. The Tree is flesh so it’s first instinct would be survival. First linking itself to both the Diarchs of Equestria, then one, then neither as the tree probably recognized Celestia as a danger as well since her sister turned against the Tree. Now it will link to some weaker creature that it can more fully control, as it cannot control flesh to compete with myself or the celestials to compete with Celestia. I theorize that it’ll link itself to a simple mage as the “Tree” can manipulate magic far better than the Solar Queen or I can. This has yet to be seen.

To give a call to action, I believe Harmony should return to its roots which lie in the now new word “Friendship”. A newer, more personal, and heartfelt word with its origins in “Unification”. Friendship has the ability to bring happiness and comfort that an irrational being like the “Tree” cannot. “Friendship” puts the group first and ensures the happiness of all. It can conquer all evil and does not shy away from suffering but learns from it. It unifies rational creatures under one banner of mutual trust and tolerance. It is not mysterious, but natural and understood by all. So let “Friendship” be the Mantra of Equestria and not this irrational Contemporary Harmony.

2.02 – Afterthought

Flesh will always error and is incapable of pure reason. Because of this the words or actions of a being of flesh cannot be true morality. Rationality allows for better clarification towards morality but can still error in reason and logic. We are bound to link our morality to the desires of our flesh so in this way Utility serves its purpose. It has a clear objective, happiness to all we can. And with this the morality attached to our flesh is fulfilled. Friendship serves the same purpose as it links its morality to a nature of the flesh. Companionship and the desire for mutual trust and respect is universal to all species of Eques. From the Flocks of the Griffons, the Herds of the Ponies, the Packs of the Diamond Dogs, or the collectives of the Dragons. Friendship will guide all those to greater heights and outside the irrational nature of Celestia’s “Tree”. Next I will discuss Discord, the Evergreens and Everfrees, and the rebuilding of a state. I hope you who are reading this will come to your own judgements about all the topics discussed in this chapter and share them with your fellows.