In the morning, Sirius woke up to the sound of light rain. He groggily opened his eyes, and then yawned. Something caught his sense of smell, and he inhaled deeply. It was a scent of fresh vegetables.

He turned his head to the right and saw a tray of food on the chest of drawers. With a sigh, he sat upright on the bed and turned his attention to the morning meal he didn't cook. Near the tray, a piece of paper was tucked. Sirius picked it up and unfolded to read.

It was written by Iclyn as he immediately figured out. She wished him a good day and fast recovery as well as told him she would be back soon. There was also a small heart drawn under the words.

For Sirius, it was a new experience. He had never seen anyone leave such a mark on any of the letters before, at least on those addressed to him. It was a small but important detail. The former human suspected that Iclyn was indeed serious about love and she truly held feelings for him.

It still puzzled him why. While it wasn't unwelcome, it was very unusual. Sirius simply didn't know what to do. What must he do? He was in love only once, and his feelings were more or less rejected. Besides, he didn't believe in true love. It was just a primal need to reproduce.

He didn't want to experience it at all. Affection was fine and all, but a connection such as this? He avoided it. While he couldn't forget his first love, it was more like an obsession as he later realized. An unhealthy obsession at that. So, he decided that he would avoid love from then on. It brought nothing but pain.

He put the note down and flipped it. He didn't want to see it anymore. Then, he ate the food prepared just for him.

It felt strange eating home food that Sirius didn't cook by himself. He was used to doing everything and anything by himself, never relying on others. He would buy products, cook them if needed, and then eat. He went to diners sometimes to have his food cooked by others but that was it.

He chewed the food, his mind absent from reality. He wasn't thinking about anything at all. He was entirely focused on eating and didn't feel like thinking. He didn't have much of an appetite in the first place, and thinking made it even worse.

After he finished eating, he stood up from the bed and started doing simple exercises the doctors advised him to do on a regular basis to strengthen his damaged hind leg. Those exercises weren't tiring at all, just boring and generally unproductive, at least Sirius thought so.

Some time later, he limped into the bathroom to clean his teeth and take a shower. It was a part of his morning routine, and he intended to do it. It was especially important for him since he abandoned the wheelchair cart and walked all by himself. It was uncomfortable, he limped, but it was better than being strapped to a bulky device. Sirius was used to being mobile without having to rely on anything, and he hated the wheelchair and everything associated with it. He couldn't stand it at all, and he intended to trash it as soon as he had the chance. Though, he decided to leave it until he felt it's time to abandon it forever. For some time, he would require it to move around the city. Maybe he would limp less in a few weeks or months, at least he hoped so.

Sirius remembered he was told that he would never walk normally, but he couldn't believe it. He denied it and tried his best to remain as physically active as he was before the duel with Chrysalis. If she ever broke out, she wouldn't find him weak and defenseless.

He also remembered that he needed shooting practice. If not for the missed shot, Chrysalis would be dead and pose no threat any longer. While she was hornless and under heavy guard, Sirius wanted to make sure that she wouldn't get him. He didn't want to repeat the mistake again, too.

Though, he needed to ask one thing. There was only one pony that would answer him.

***

As expected, Sirius found Flora near the gardens. To his suprise, she was tending to a strange plant that consisted of one giant red leaf. He remembered seeing it before, too.

"You poor dear..." Flora whispered to the plant, using her tender hooves to soften the ground around it.

The plant itself looked rather shaken. It was slightly dry near the edges, and a part of it was broken, bending unnaturally. It also looked like it needed more water and better conditions to grow into a beautiful plant.

"Flora, may I ask you something?" Sirius addressed the gardener.

"Oh, of course, Sir." the mare turned to him.

"Um... you don't need to call me Sir." Sirius said. "Just... omit the title. And about the question... Is the house soundproof?"

"I believe it is." Flora nodded. "I've not heard much noise even when large parties were being held there."

"What about very loud noise like... glass shattering? Steel against steel clashing?" Sirius inquired.

"It would be all fine, too." the mare nodded again. "May I be of any more help?"

"There is one thing..." Sirius said with uncertainty. "I need to get solid wood. Um, about... a hoof thick. It also needs to be... three meters tall and wide."

"Well, there is a carpenter's shop nearby, you can visit it. Or do you require me to go there?"

"I will be fine." Sirius stated. "Give me the directions, and I will go there."

Some time later, a few pony workers unloaded a thick wooden wall of what Sirius ordered, as well as a sheet of metal the same hight and widths but far thinner, coming to about two and a half millimeters thick. All of it was placed into the sports hall of the mansion, right near one empty wall that was used for storing the wooden training weapons. The whole ordeal didn't cost him too much, and he was satisfied with the result.

After Sirius paid for the deal and made sure everyone exited the mansion and the surrounding territory, he returned to the sports hall. He carried a few empty bottles he found in the kitchen to the improvised firing range. He put the bottles on a simple wooden tables, and then opened the pouch with the revolver. It was time for target practice.

The distance between him and the targets was long enough to represent a self-defense situation. Sirius knew he must be able to hit targets from this range, especially in their weakest and most vulnerable spots, including the head. A bottle was a small target, and Sirius intended to improve his accuracy.

He aimed the revolver and cocked the hammer, using single-action mode. It would require less force to pull the trigger later, making the shot alignment better.

He pulled the trigger and missed. His ears were firmly pressed against his skull, but the shot was still uncomfortably loud. He didn't have any gear to help himself with this problem, and so he had to use his natural abilities.

He aimed again. He was no sharpshooter, but he needed to become better and more precise with his shots unless he wanted to leave his next opponent alive. He didn't, and thus he wouldn't hesitate to improve his accuracy.

He pulled the trigger, and the bottle shattered immediately by a bullet. Sirius was satisfied with the result, but he knew he needed more practice than just a few shots. Luckily, he had a box of infinite ammo. He just needed to place the casing inside and then get new cartriges. He didn't know how it would ever work, but he was glad it worked.

He furrowed his brows. He decided to test something. He flipped the cylinder of the revolver open, ejected the empty shells and put them into the box. Next, he closed it and reopened to see the shells replaced by cartridges. He closed the box and put it on the floor.

Sirius walked to the wooden wall and looked at the points of impact. Two bullets certainly hit the wood and got stuck in it. However, he didn't see them. He lit his horn and shone inside the small holes. There were no bullets to be found.

A realization came to his mind — he could destroy the evidence of shooting just by reloading. The damage would remain, but it would be impossible to prove that he shot. He was the only owner of a gun, but he was sure he would be able to figure something out if he was ever accused of murder.

He wasn't going to use his weapon on innocents, of course. But it didn't mean he would never use it again for killing those who threatened him or those he cared about.

Sirius trained for another half an hour before he finished it. Then, he opened the windows to let out the scent of gunpowder from the hall. He decided to take a quick shower to get rid of the smell, too.

After limping his way to the bathroom, he locked the door and took off all his weapons and placed them where he would be able to see them. Then, he walked to the shower cabin and entered it. The shower cabin he had consisted of a small space boarded by three walls, one of which was transparent and acted as a sliding door.

As strange as it was, there was a mirror right inside the cabin. Sirius took a look at himself. While he seemed more or less normal, there was a tired look in his eyes. He just didn't want to do anything at all. He despised his weakened state, he despised having to use a wheelchair, and he despised himself for letting someone like Chrysalis live.

Suddenly, the memories of the wedding flooded his mind. Screams, blood, clashes of steel, dying moans, gurgling as someone choked on their own blood. Slash, blood, clash, blood, scream, blood.

Sirius sat down and clutched his head, trying to silence the call of the dead.

Clash, slash, blood.

He slid down the wall, tears in his eyes. He could do nothing. He was nothing but a killing machine. A crazed human hidden in a pony body. A murderer, savage beast.

Blood.

He remembered he did it for Iclyn. She said it was fine. But was it? Did he need to brutally murder those in his way? He remembered wishing to kill more.

Scream.

He was a disappointment of his family. His mother would disown him if she knew what he had become, his father would abandon his son and throw him in jail. He was a failure. He failed both his parents. He became a monster.

Dying moans.

He would never truly be loved. If she knew what he had become, there would be nothing but pain for him. Iclyn didn't love him either — she tried to fool him so he felt better about himself.

Sirius was utter trash, a leech feeding off of others, taking pleasure in murder and wanting more. He enjoyed violence, he enjoyed how he felt when others did what he needed them to do.

He clutched his head, shouting for it to end. He didn't deserve to live, he didn't deserve this mansion, he didn't deserve the fame, he didn't deserve to be loved.

Suddenly, it all stopped. Sirius was shivering as if he was cold, his breath in gasps, his heart beating at an incredible rate.

He was lying there, covered in the sticky sweat. He was helpless, defenseless, broken. Changelings didn't need might to break him. Even after he defeated them, they haunted him.

The murders he committed couldn't let him go. He was the first pony to do it in centuries. He could've disarmed his opponents, knocked them out, not kill. He did the right thing in the end, but was it the best option?

Why didn't Iclyn hate him after it? Why did she love him? She told him what he did was alright, but was it?

Sirius felt his mind returning into its frenzied state. He wanted, he needed to end it. His eyes darted around until he found what he needed.

He got out of the shower cabin. He didn't walk out, he didn't even limp out, but crawled. Then, he opened the pouch and pulled put the revolver. He immediately pressed its muzzle against his temple.

He shed tears as he felt the cold steel press against his head. He wanted to pull the trigger so much, he wanted to bring his misery to an end. He would never be able to heal and live a normal life, a life he dreamed about ever since his life turned into a mess of bad things, most of them made by his wrongdoings.

He hesitated. By committing suicide, he would hurt Iclyn and all other ponies he didn't know. A hero of Equestria, dead by suicide? It would certainly cause a great wave of others committing it.

Sirius wasn't heartless. Far from it, but more than he realized at the time. He didn't want to cause a massive depression. He knew how bad a personal one could be, he was still going through it.

His heart sunk as shivers ran through his body. He wouldn't make anything better by killing himself. He wasn't entirely selfish, and thus he didn't want those he cared about to suffer because of him.

What would Iclyn do? Wouldn't she follow him as soon as she saw him dead? Sirius didn't know how love worked but suspected something like it could happen.

"Sirius!" he heard a sudden call. Iclyn was standing near the entrance, her eyes wide with shock. She realized what the thing in Sirius' grasp was. She was stunned, her mouth opening and closing as she tried to say something else. Sirius was confused — he remembered locking the door. After a few moments of silence, Iclyn said: "Don't do it, please!"

Slowly, Sirius lowered the gun. He would deeply hurt Iclyn otherwise. Love or no love, he cared about her. He wouldn't like her to be sad because of him. Though, he still failed to stop himself from making her feel bad about him.

"Sirius... why?" Iclyn asked, galloping to him. She sat near him and looked him in the eyes. They were tearful and full of sadness and confusion.

"I... I don't know what to do anymore." he confessed, sighing. "I did so many bad things, I... I just..." he paused for a second before continuing as he gathered his thoughts. "Iclyn... Do you really love me? Me, of all ponies?"

"Yes, I do." Iclyn nodded without hesitation.

"Why?"

"Isn't it obvious? You saved my life, for once." the filly replied. "But before it happened, you told me much about yourself. Now, I see that there are many good things in you that you hide, afraid to show them to anyone." she put a hoof on his chest and felt his heart beating. "You are kind inside, but you keep it under the mask of aggression. You are... different, damaged, but still a person. A good person, you just have to realize it."

"If only I believed what you believe..." Sirius sighed sadly. "Thanks for words, but... I was always violent." he looked her in the eyes. "Always."

"It doesn't make you less of a person." Iclyn assured him. She continued talking, fearing that he would raise the gun again and end his life. She just needed to talk, and maybe he would understand. "Everyone has flaws. You have many flaws, but there is one thing about you that helps — you realize the flaws. You just need to work on fixing them."

"My aggression can't be cured. I always hurt people a lot." Sirius replied. "I.... I killed, too."

"But you did so to protect those you care about. And if you were that violent, how do you even care about anyone?" Iclyn asked. The former human started doubting his earlier words and thoughts. "Listen, Sirius... Don't let it into your head, don't let yourself think you're just a bad colt who deserves bad things. No one is inherently bad. As I asked you to do previously, trust me. Trust me, and I'll show you that there is more to the world than you think.

"Sirius, don't stay alone. Make friends, share ideas, and ponies will like you on a personal level. Try it, please. You don't need to isolate yourself and let only one pony determine everything."

"But... I can't do it." Sirius said, his voice filled with doubt. He spoke quietly. "No one would understand me. I'm an alien, remember? Not pony. Never was, never will be."

"I don't know a lot about my friends, but it doesn't make anything worse." Iclyn explained, seeing the ray of hope in Sirius' eyes. She held it tightly, hoping for the best. "We still do fun things together. We share what we're comfortable with sharing. That's what friendship is."

"...Maybe I will try." the former human said after some consideration. He put the revolver back into the pouch. He stood up finally. "I... I just need to rest."

"Sirius..." Iclyn put a hoof on his shoulder. "You still feel bad about killing the changelings, don't you?"

"...They haunt me." he admitted, and then sighed. "I see visions, and they... They drive me insane."

"You didn't kill them because you wanted to kill." Iclyn said, trying to find a way to approach this. "You had to. You believed they were hurting me. What exactly did you think when you were fighting?"

"I... I thought they... I don't know this word in this language yet, but... I thought they used you for sex."

Iclyn's eyes widened and Sirius looked down. She realized the issue. The two sat in silence for a few moments as she repeated his words in her mind.

"I... I didn't know it." Iclyn said in shock. "Then... If something like this was done to my friend, I would do the same as you did. I would leave no mercy. Anyone would be like you, Sirius. Fueled with rage and hatred, did you feel it?"

Sirius nodded simply.

"No one must ever blame you for what you did, Sirius." Iclyn said assuringly. "You went light on them. I've read about rape in history, and... it is horrible. I'm glad it's not happening anymore. Does... does it still happen in your world?"

"Every day." Sirius replied.

"This... This... How did you even survive there?" Iclyn asked, even more shocked. "I... I can't imagine this..."

Suddenly, she hugged him. She nuzzled him, giving him warmth and comfort. No words needed to be shared as the two sat on the floor, hugging. Iclyn finally understood why he was acting the way he did, and why he was still sorry for what he did. She realized that his world was an awful place, and for him it must've been exactly like rape, and he was the victim.

Iclyn realized where his issues were taking root. It was his self-hatred and self-doubt, as well as his other experiences he had to endure before coming to Equestria. He saw himself guilty because others did bad things. He just couldn't let it go, he couldn't distance himself from them. He was a complicated being whom she couldn't understand well and probably never would.

But it didn't hurt to try.

Author's Note

Finally, Iclyn realized that Sirius hates himself because of people that surrounded him when he was a human. Since he sees them as monsters, he knows he is a monster himself, and this thinking deepens the issues he has. Basically, Sirius hates himself and makes everything even worse for him. While he is not the source of issues, he unknowingly amplifies them, making himself think bad things about himself just because he had seen or heard about other people doing it.

So, I suppose you can treat this chapter as a special one. After all, it's the fiftieth chapter. Technically, fifty-first, but whatever. So, here is a big realization.

Also, Sirius really needs to treat his developing PTSD before it's too late. Gladly, Iclyn is by his side, and it would definitely make things easier for him.