The Cupcake: No, Not That One
I Don't Want The Cupcake Pinke...
Author's Note
Special thanks to QuartzScale for writing for Pinkie and this fic was made late at god's unholy hours inspired entirely by a short, but funny, conversation.
I Don't Want The Cupcake Pinke...
Being in Equestria is amazing! I got to meet with Celestia, KISS Luna, talk magic with Twilight and surprisingly my brain didn’t fall out my skull. What? My OC is a unicorn. Oh, Brain melting, well, I’m a science nerd sometimes but magic is a passion I wish was real. Oh right, well, you’re lost I bet, let’s have a summary here.
I was in my room playing, and failing, at Dishonored, when suddenly Twilight appeared, said ‘come with me, for science!’ Random, yes, but I was gonna be home alone for a week and she said I’d only be here for two days so I agreed, went to Equestria, changed into a pony, talked with Celestia, who was kind enough to lend me a few hundred bits to spend on my stay. Then as Luna came in I did what any other spineless stallion would never, cause I was a ‘asset’ to Twilight’s study and said ‘screw it’ ran up to her and planted one right on her lips. Everypony was stunned, but Luna liked it, so I got to live, and I think she’s gonna appear in my dreams tonight.
I was looking around Ponyville, Twilight put a spell on me so she can just have my memories recorded and look through them before I’m sent home. It was getting dark and before I was gonna head to my room at Twilight’s castle I looked for a restaurant that didn’t serve sweets.
I know what you’re thinking, ‘you are in Equestria and you aren’t gonna eat sweets? Blastpony!’ Well, yeah, but I have a family history of Diabetes on both mom and dad’s sides, so I am a high risk for getting it myself. After walking around for ten minutes or so I finally found a restaurant that served solely veggie dishes and headed inside. I was sat at a nice table and after ordering the veggie stew and baked potatoes I was just waiting for my order to arrive.
“What is taking so long?” I ask out loud as my order was placed ten minutes ago. “It’s not that busy is it?” I take a quick look around. There were ponies, but only about five others in total, not including myself. “Maybe they’re making it from scratch?”
“Hi there. How’s it going. I’m Pinkie Pie and it’s a stupersplendiferous day to meet someone new like you and that’s why my Pinkie sense told me you’d be at this place at this time thanks to one of my combos. Now that I’m here I can give you this nummy yummy treat courtesy of Sugarcube Corner and the hard working Cakes who toil over the constant heat by the skin of their hooves though I don’t think hooves even have skin but enough about that here you go.” She placed a cupcake on the table covered in whipped topping of the chocolate variety and an assortment of sprinkles and candy of various tastes all packed on one single solitary cupcake.
I stared at the cupcake, feeling the sugary health hazard start making me dizzy from the smell. I also should mention that I can’t handle anything too sweet anyways. Gives me a headache, which is likely my bloodsugar reaching critical. “Um… No disrespect to you or the Cakes Pinkie, but I can’t accept for a number of reasons.” I say with a frown. “Sorry.”
“You won’t eat it?” She starts to tear up putting on a serious pout that easily dwarfs her face and leaves only the sight of her eyes facing my eyes.
I take a gulp, man, she’s good. “Listen, it’s nothing personal it’s just… my body can’t handle sweets too well and something tells me this cupcake will either kill me or put me into a coma.” I explain. “Sorry.”
She puts a hoof to her chin rubbing an imaginary beard before a light bulb appears above her head. With a practiced toss she turns it off and dashes off in a puff of smoke leaving a pink outline behind. It manages to talk…
“Gimme one sec there. Your Auntie Pinkie has got you covered no problem-o” The cloud of dust then manages to pat me on the head before disappearing.
“... When is my order getting here?” I ask myself, slumping on my table. What? It’s Pinkie, I expected such randomness from a Pony who is an E rated version of Deadpool.
Finally the waiter came out with the meal. Unsurprisingly it wasn’t the waiter I had. Surprisingly this waiter was pink with a pink poofy mane and a fake mustache on her face. She placed the serving tray down and lifted the lid. Under the lid was the same cupcake… at least it looked the same.
“Bon Appetit.” She smiles.
“Pinkie… where’s my order? This is not what I ordered.” She is lucky I am not a Yelp user ‘cause just like those jerks I too have no life of my own, letting me devote time to hating the restaurant. But, not even having my phone I’ll just save that idea for a Reddit post and see what happens.
“Oh silly Bio. Yelp couldn’t touch our realm at all. And this is what you ordered. I got your secret message for an order of smiles of course. Here you are smiles in a packaged tray.” She flourishes her hoof at the cupcake.
“The smiles I want are a rating too high for this fic. As for the Yelp thing there’s is something close, this fic’s comment section.”
“You are a silly billy. You know that self inserts are seen as bad most of the time. Now here’s your smile.” She pushes the tray closer.
“While you are right in that regard this is a comedy/random tabbed fic, to that I say this.” I pushed the cupcake away. “No. Bad Pinkie, I don’t want a cupcake.”
She then pulled out Applebloom who looked around in shock most likely wondering why she was there.
“Not even for an Applebloom who help gather the ingredients all for you?” Pinkie slyly smiled.
“You don’t like it Bio?” The little filly looks up at me, her eyes wide and shiny from tears.
“Sorry little filly, sweets aren’t good for me and the sweet taste I can’t handle.” I say, patting her on the head. “Say, aren’t you supposed to be doing homework or something?”
The little filly runs outside and Pinkie huffs a bit. Then another smirk appears on her face as she pushes the cupcake back.
“Could you handle it if by lit by candle.” She places a candelabra on the table in front of me fully lit even though she pulled it out of her mane without burning herself.
“As romantic as this is Pinkie, I prefer women taller than me, and given that back on earth I’m six feet that’s a small pool, and as a pony you’re half a foot smaller than me.” I pushed the cupcake away. “No.”
“Date? Why would I date you? Are you already trying to two time Luna? You better eat this cupcake before she finds out.” She pushes it back to me.
“Ha, jokes on you, Luna is old school so herds are normal to her.” I push it back. “Besides, we have yet to have a proper date yet.”
“Sorry you don’t meet my standards. Now how about if I wear my sandals then could you handle the cupcake by candle.” She pushes it back toward me keeping her hoof on the tray so I couldn’t push it away.
I simply pushed the tray, and her hoof with it, to the side. “Nope. Also, Sandals, really?”
“Now you’re making a scandal by not accepting to handle this cupcake by candle while I wear my sandals. Eat the cupcake.” She pushes it back and slams a nail right through the plate using only her hoof.
“Now you’re breaking your internet waifu’s heart by making her watch this scene.” I say, pointing to a crying Fluttershy at the doorway, she running away as Pinkie sees her. “You made Shy cry. Bad Pinkie.”
“I see you’re a vandal who made such a scandal for not being willing the handle a cupcake by candle while I wear my sandals. Even Luna made this for you and you’re breaking her heart for not accepting this treat of a delicious sweet, how could you get cold feet.” Pinkie stands firmly in place.
“It’s not cold feet, it’s keeping myself from getting an incurable genetic disease that runs in the family when we eat too much sugar at once. Also, we’re ponies, not humans, human tab isn’t on this fic.” I reply, standing firm. “It’s nothing personal to anypony, just staying healthy.”
Pinkie then ushered Luna in. And gets her to speak to you.
“So you will not eat the treat I made specially for you?” She looks at the cupcake impassively showing no emotion.
“Pinkie bribe you or just scaring you at this moment cause you are so blank faced to take seriously or fall for Luna.” I deadpanned reply as she inches away from Pinkie. “Fear it is.”
She runs out in tears as the patrons inside watch as the princess of the night runs away.
“You do realize that she made that for you right?”
“So long as your character tab is in this fic I don’t wholly buy that Pinkie.” I say, picking up the cupcake and tossing it out a window. “I’m just trying to stay healthy and not die young.”
She pulls the cupcake out of her mane and replaces it on the tray. Her mane loses a bit of poof to it.
“Bio you really shouldn’t test the randomness of the random tab. It could be… deadly.”
“This fic is E rated Pinkie, no death. Also.” I grabbed the part of her mane that sticks out and blew into it, making her mane and tail poof back up. “This is not that cupcake fic.”
“Oh I know silly and so was Jafar. What did he say in the second movie… You’d be surprised what you could live through.” She smiles as she pushes me back into my seat in front of the cupcake in front of me.
“This is not DIsney, it’s Hasbro.” I managed to levitate the cupcake and put it back into her mane. “Also, dare I ask what you did to my waiter?”
“Oh it’s his birthday so I’m throwing him a party and no one else is on staff right now. And since this is hasbro I suppose we could go the route of the death of Optimus Prime then? Also here you go.” She pulled the cupcake out of my ear and placed it back on the tray.
“First off, I only liked the first few live action movies and one of the cartoon series, plus, I felt nothing watching that robot die, was more worried for Bumblebee than him.” I said, moving the cupcake over. “So given how much sugar you eat, how is it you don’t have Diabetes?”
“Silly pony. All ponies run on sugar right now you are a pony aren’t you? Also you might have made a lot of people angry right now.” There was a sudden crashing of the roof as a giant metal fist came through and pushed the cupcake back into my sight. It stayed there.
“Meh, It was just expected for him to die, to… predictable… and the trailer ruined it anyway. Also, yes, I’m a pony now, but Twilight warned all human health issues I have are still with me, so,” I pushed it back as there was a flash of light around the metal hand, making it vanish. “No cupcake.”
“Yes cupcake.” She pushes it back.
“No cupcake.” I push it away.
“Yes cupcake.” She pushes it back.
“No cupcake.” I push it away.
“Yes cupcake.” She pushes it back.
“No cupcake.” I push it away.
“No cupcake.” She keeps it away.
“I’m not Elmer Fudd!” I yell.
“That’s Daffy Duck!” she yells back.
“It’s been a while!” I retort. “Youtube and fimfic take up all my time when not looking for a job!”
“I can see that this is very productive. But not as productive as eating this cupcake. Right. Now.” She looks sternly at me.
“Never!” I cry out, squishing the cupcake under my hoof. “... Crud, can’t think of a reference here.” I grumble.
She blew into her hoof and the cupcake reformed itself back to its former glory. Then she looked me straight in the eyes almost to the point of the Stare.
“Forever…”
I gave a plane look, pressing her hoof on the table as he mouth opened and I shoved the cupcake down her throat. “Never.” I reply.
She then grabbed me forced my lips open and kissed me… with a very full mouth of cupcake… which was now stuck in my mouth and she would not let go. The Pie family strength was working against me.
”Crud, this is not gonna end well… think Bio, this is your fic that Quartz lost the coin flip to… I think to myself as the two of us are still lip locked.
”Oh Bio… the game was rigged from the very beginning…” Pinkie somehow transmitted her thoughts to both authors writing… freaking out the one who was writing for her.
”The fact you say that doesn’t surprise me in the slightest… so… no way out of this till I swallow the cupcake, right?” I ask, knowing Pinkie can hear me.
”Yup.” She smiled in both her mind and the real world.
I smiled back, both in mind and real life. ”Well Pinkie, guess you don’t know me well though.”
”Huh?” Pinkie immediately grabbed me and kept my limbs locked squeezing whenever she noticed me trying to keep a magical charge on my horn.
”First off, I have devoted most my entire preteen, teenage, and what so far is, my early adulthood to being random, the fact I have lasted this long against you says so. Second, cupcakes aren’t even my favorite sweet when I do eat them. It’s a nice pumpkin pie… which is actually the only pie I’ve ever had.”
”And what does that mean?”
”You’re the second pie I’ve ever tasted.”
After she made sure I swallowed she slapped me senseless against the far wall but left her number behind…
“Wait… since when did Equestria get phones?”
“I’m Pinkie Pie. I can get anything. Even you.”.
“That… I am okay with. So, should the fic end before the guards get here for us disturbing a business and the peace, or should it cut before this fic takes an M rated turn?”
THE END
“Huh, both it is then.”
Luna found out a few hours later mad because she wasn’t first. Twilight’s data left her more confused then than she knew was possible. Her last whereabouts are roaming Canterlot in a drunken stupor to forget this fic ever happened. Pinkie, and Luna, visit Bio because they can.
Quartz has taken to not write for Pinkie unless a contract is signed and Rainbow Dash is still thinking herself as awesome.
Celestia later bankrupted Equestria, all hail the new Zebrican Overlords.
They later fell due to a rare case of diabetes.
Bio to this day has still avoided diabetes.
Quartz and Bio wrote this late at night with nothing else to do. And possibly drunk. The world may never know.
They weren’t, just bored.
Okay we’re done. Go outside. Have fun. You’ve read enough.
Please employ me!
I think we reached crack fic levels already?
Yes, yes we have.
