Maximum Anon

This day was probably the shitiest you’ve ever had, I mean there was that time that you tried to do the bucket over the door prank to your teacher in middle school. No one told you that a rope was an essential ingredient, you weren’t a fucking engineer or something. You just set a bucket of water on the top of the door, next thing you knew your algebra teacher had a concussion, you were suspended for a month and your mom had to pay for her to get twenty seven stitches. At least it got your thirteen year old ass a seat at the cool kids table even though you were a total dipshit who spent all your time playing Cubecraft and larping.

But boy are you glad you were the best larper in your small town, because your badass skills with a nunchuck totally saved your ass. It all started that afternoon, you had just been caught smoking reefer with the dudes of the chocolate persuasion at your job when an off duty cop had pulled up to the Quicky Lube you worked at, needed his douchey truck raised another three inches or something. Well one thing led to another and while running in circles around the tire displays to try and escape and the dick pulled a taser on you. The funny thing about chop shops is that there's lots of flammable shit everywhere. As you tried to run away from him, screaming about police brutality in a high pitched wail he put the thing in your back, you tumbled into some used oil and half the shop went up in smoke, you passing out in the process.

When you woke up everything was technicolor and some plant thing had its tongue down your throat. It looked like those pipe dwelling pricks from super plumber bros and it was doing something to you that most weebs would get a two inch staff of disappointment from watching.

Gurgling some profanities and choking you ripped the horrid appendage from your previously virgin lips and jumped to your feet, turning to sprint away you felt your feet catch and you ate a face full of dirt. Your head was spinning and you were being dragged backwards. Grabbing your head with both hands you groaned, “Son of bitch.”

Your head bumped against a rock jarring you out of your stupor; flipping around you saw a gaping maw a few feet from your legs. The plant was pulling you toward its mouth using its roots that were popping up out of the ground. Shrieking like a little bitch you scrambled for something to fight back with, fumbling with a branch you found on the nearby ground you shouted your mighty war cry started smashing the thing over its head with the branch, “JUST WHO THE HELL DO YOU THINK I AM!!!”

Your feet were being pulled into it’s mouth and you started to panic, pissing your pants and starting to make fake promises to allah your head slipped past its thorn like teeth. But then you saw it, your chance for salvation! The thing hanging from its mouth, the uterus if you remember your health class correctly. You stabbed furiously at it and the plant started choking expelling you from its mouth in a mess of green goop. Throwing the stick at the hacking plant you ran away crying and tripping all over the place.

After running for like ten minutes you slowed down and started looking around, this was a much darker part of the forest and you were starting to see things that weren’t there in the trees. Glancing around as you slowly creeped through the underbrush you spotted it. Nestled in a little grove was a small cottage. You heard a howl and rushed towards it. Slamming into the door you pushed inside and slammed the door shut. Turning around you saw… a zebra? Why’s it hold a pan? You figured it out as the metal connected with your skull.

“Ow, you cunt!” you cursed as you rolled over and looked up, she looked conflicted before hitting you in the head, knocking you out for the second time today. You woke up tied to a chair with itchy rope and your head was pounding. A cauldron was bubbling in front of you. Well isn't this just bloody typical, you ran into a cottage in the middle of the forest. Of course a fucking witch lived there. Taking a deep breath you used your years of accumulated mmo knowledge to formulate an escape plan. You’re first plan was waiting for a dragon to swoop down and interrupt the cutscene, you sat there for about three minutes with a smug look on your face before you realized that the plan was utterly retarded and that you probably had a concussion. Wracking your brain for a less deus ex machina plan you tried to find a way out of the ropes. Hearing a sound off in another part of the house you began sweating and started to just jerk on the rope as hard as you can while bouncing up and down in the chair. This caused you to lose balance and fall over slamming into the ground. You heard the movement in the other room stop, the zebra poked its head around the corner and apparently decided that you weren’t getting away and disappeared back behind the wall. The left side of your face was numb and you were still not any closer to getting free when the front door opened and a little purple dragon walked in. Not what you were expecting it but fuck it and fuck decent writing. Deus ex machina was officially your new favorite plot mechanism.

“Oi, little lizard,” you said in a hushed whisper yell thing, “Help me out before the chick in the other room comes back and eats me.” It didn't occur to you that you were talking to animal like it knew english but I mean you weren't exactly having a normal day. The little asshole just chuckled and called out, “Zecoraaaaa, the weird monkey is trying to get out.”

“What the fuck dude,” you said glaring daggers at him. He ignored you and went back outside while you started jerking on the ropes again like a 12 year old with his first erection. You managed to get one hand free as he walked back inside with a box. You kept the hand behind you to hide that you were about bust out of this fucked up shanty and tried to act like you angry and still struggling. The dragon walked around the corner that the zebra was on the other side of and you untied your other hand and legs. Getting up in a crouch you started to slowly back away to the door while watching the corner. Reaching back and starting to push it open slowly while your heart thudded in your chest. You were so close, you were gonna make it! You heard a feminine voice clear its throat behind you. Turning around slowly like you were caught raiding the fridge by the villain in a Shaggy Doo cartoon, you came face to crotch with a another little abomination. A small purple unicorn looked up at you like she was inspecting a new breed of insect.

“Uh hi,” You nervously chuckled. You saw her face light up and disturbingly her eyes get even bigger than their already massive size.

“It can talk!” her horn lit up and suddenly you were floating as she walked inside suspending you above her as she called into the house, “Zecora, why didn’t you tell me it could talk.”

“Hey what the fuck! Put me down,” You ordered as she used her weird thought power to pick the seat you had knocked over back and placed you in it. Her purple cloud thing that was surrounding you went away as she got uncomfortably close, poking your ribs opening you mouth and staring inside. Slapping at her prodding hooves you gave her an indignant look which she ignored and started inspecting your hands. While you were being eye raped the other two walked back in the room. While you were watching them the purple horse with the lack of respect for personal space pulled up your shirt to look at your chest. The sudden extra invasion of your personal pushed you over the line and you got up with a start. The dragon looked concerned while the zebra just stood watching.

“Why do you wear all these clothes?” The question came from below you, turning to look at the unicorn you stammered a bit before being interrupted by the dragon.

“Zecora wants to apologize,” he said looking up at the zebra.

“I did not mean you any harm but your intrusion into my house did little to charm,” she said in a very different accent then the other two.

“Whats with the rhyming?” you asked because apparently that was the most pressing issue.

“It’s just how she talks,” the dragon replied while pulling some gems out of a sack and eating them.

The purple unicorn who is still inside your personal bubble speaks up, “My name is Twilight Sparkle and that’s Spike.”

You blink and stare down at her, “Anon;” she beams up at you.

Suddenly materializing a quill and parchment she starts to take notes, “How’d you get here, I’ve never seen a creature like you before.”

“Uh, where’s here?” you ask while scratching the back of your head, wincing when you touch the lump forming on the side of your head.

“Well Equestria of course,” She giggles as if it was completely obvious and while looking up at you expectantly.

“Where’s that from Detroit?”

“Dee-what?”

About an hour of back and forth later you had explained what had happen while being peppered with questions like what’s a taser and why is marijuana illegal. Answering as best as you could she finished up notes and the dragon, Spike, had burned it with green fire and the two led you back to town after bidding Zecora goodbye.

Everywhere you looked were colorful horses that looked at you like you were going to eat them. Lazily following behind the two caricatures while taking in the sights you eventually came to a tree on the other side of town that had been hollowed out into a house yet was still alive apparently. Once inside you were offered a shower which you gladly accepted, while Twilight washed your clothes with some spell or something. The hot water felt good on your scratched skin. You were focusing on getting dried goo out of your hair when you saw something pink in the drain. Reaching down to try and pull it out the head of one of the horses popped out with a big smile, “HEY!”

“Holy Fuckballs,” you yelled as your life flashed before your eyes as you fell, yup it was a really shitty day, your head cracked against the shower wall and for the third time that day you were in a blunt force trauma induced slumber.