It is the sound of screaming, the constant terrorized shouts and yelps of the many horses of Ponyland that wakes you up… Wait, what the fuck? Shouldn't they be singing about pants and friendship or some shit? And why the fuck is your bed so soft? And warm? And—Oh dear God, it's alive! This is by the far the worst alarm to have ever woken you up—not including the one where Pink ADD horse stuffed you in her mane of infinite holding. I mean, you're on a fucking horse. What kind of naughty things did you do in your sleep, you sick bastard?! We said no horse poon!

"Ah, We see Our loyal subject hath awoken," your bed says to you, making you realize you’d need to wake up if you want to give a fuck. Which you don’t. You ignore her and hazily pull up your wrist to check the time.

Your bladder itches.

"You're fucking kidding…” you trail off into a yawn, the horse below you chuckling at your human phrasing. You blink away the crusts forming at the bottom of your eyes to look around; you're in a castle. In the middle of fucking nowhere. You don't appreciate being dragged out to random places, no sir. Not after that time when the Pink—nope, nevermind. Don’t need to relive that one. "The hell are we?" you question your bed as she cranes her head back to look at you.

"We, strange creature, are home—The Castle of the Two Sisters. The Sun and Moon would rise here to greet our faces every morn and eve. It is here where we shall rule together!"

You said—and lemme quote this for you—"Wouldn't want any of that horse poon." You, you said this yesterday. Now you are absolutely positive that didn't change overnight. Even if you did possibly do the nasty with her in your sleep, no way in Hell are you doing it consciously! Tell 'er this ain't gonna work. "Where's the bathroom?" you ask instead, the need for using a toilet—or at this point, even a bush—overtaking the want to tell her to fuck off. Oh Goddammit.

Her eyes, filled with all of the wisdom of the old world, only glow at the innocence of your question. You really have to take a piss; could she please just hurry up? "Of course. Being one with the moon for so long, one forgets such trivial matters… The lavatory is just down beyond the atrium, my little creature." Right, you definitely don't ever want to be called that again. The giant horse lowers herself to the ground, and you slowly slide off of her back, holding onto her neck for support as you reach the floor, then she calmly sits upon what you assume to be her throne.

"Yeah, I'll uh, I'll be right back." You don't even bother to look at her as you say this, the distant screams back in Ponyville disturbing you greatly. Wonder what happened back there? A simple question, but for some reason you feel as if it was partially your fault. Not like you exactly care or anything, just food for thought.

“Of course; return soon, my little creature! Thy flesh has given Us warmth for many an hour. Return, so that We may cuddle thee!” Your mind commits suicide as this interaction leaves ‘weird’ territory, to downright ‘fucking what.’ You scamper across the large room, passing by a large stone object holding spherical rocks on tree-like limbs. You don't notice these, of course, you just want to get the hell out of dodge before things get any worse.

That, and you seriously have to use the restroom. You piss a lot, you know that?

Leaving the atrium, you enter into a hallway, long and dim with barely lit candles. All of this, just for the bathroom? Is it really worth it? Why don't you, y'know, just fucking leave already? God, we all know you don't need another Mint Face incident with Galaxy Hair back there. Having one horse fondle you in your sleep is enough, thank you. You give a sigh, for once realizing your brain is right and you’re just plain stupid. Instead of entering what you assume is the bathroom, you make a straight line to the largest doors you've ever seen. That has to be the entrance, oh dear god let it be the entrance.

With a loud grunt, your run turning into a forceful push against the large doors, you glance behind you. The horse isn't in sight, luckily enough. Maybe she thinks you're in the bathroom right now, who knows? You don't, and you damn well don't care. With one final push, the wooden entrance finally opening and revealing the outside world to you, you find yourself awestruck. Just… not at the view.

They say beauty is in the eye of the beholder. Well, whoever said that first can go fuck themselves, ‘cause you can't see shit. Yeah yeah, you realize this could be your fault, and you know you should probably do something, but you can't lie to yourself. Admit it, that was still the best fucking nap you've ever had. Anyway, when… er… Galaxy Hair said something about the Sun and Moon looking at her, or something along those lines, you definitely thought that you'd at least be able to see. Nope, bitch took out the stars, and now you can't see jack-squat 'cause nothing's reflecting off of the fucking moon. You're positive that's not how things work here, but you don't care, you can't fucking see.

Granted, you don't have the best vision anyway, but now it just feels like you're blind. Which isn't actually a cool feeling, by the way. You would consider it being okay if, y'know, you were born without sight already, but goddamn. This is just stupid. Wait, you’re getting off track again; you need to find a way to convince Galaxy Hair to see the error of her ways and make it daylight again. Looking down at your watch, it still reads seven something in the morning. Perfect.

What better way to convince somehorsey to do something than make them pancakes?

You’ve just gotta find your way home in this godforsaken darkness first.

Author's Note

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"What the fuck is this?"
Pain.