It is the smell of burning, the constant gag and reflexive dry heave that makes you question why you love pancakes so much. The damn things in front of you don't even look edible, yet you know it's better than what these horses do to theirs… Stupid equines and their flower fetishes. Blinking away traumatizing thoughts, you turn back to the task at hand; you flip the last of the black, ashen pancakes onto the miniature tower with ~~regret~~ glee. That giant horse in the castle thing will absolutely have to turn it back to day once she tastes these babies!

Or, you know, kill you and put you outta your misery. Either works. Regardless, you begin to whistle a tune from your Earth days while you begin your trek. Removing the oven-safety glove from your hand, you throw it lazily onto the counter as you briefly pass by, then pick up the crispy pancakes and make it out through the door.

And into the darkness.

Again.

How did you even manage to forget about that? Whatever, you can't stop by distracting yourself with ridiculous chatter. You have a quest to fulfill, and that quest is buttered up and ready to turn in—

Your stomach churns slightly.

—and you turn back because you also managed to forget you needed to use the bathroom. What were you thinking? Oh hey, I’mma waltz up to that horse, piss myself, and give her pancakes! Because that would totally work.

You're a fucking idiot.

Your face scrunches up a little, your brows furrowing along with it, and you blow a raspberry. "Oh screw you, brain, at least I remembered to take a piss. That's supposed to be your job."

I would roll my eyes at your response, but partially you're right, and partially I don't have eyes to roll. So, continue on.

-----

After you hear the successful flush of the toilet, you go downstairs and repeat everything you just did. Pancakes included. All for the sake of trying to forget you had a conversation with your brain.

With a tune to whistle in mind, a path to do your trekking, and pancakes in your hand, you have absolute faith that this plan will work. "Just gotta… find… the path… again." Bringing your free hand up to rub your temples, you sigh out in annoyance. "Sonovabitch." You knew it sounded too easy in your head. Just had to get your hopes up.

You glance around your current area, trying to see anything familiar that you passed along the way here, yet your search is fruitless. It's too damn dark. Speaking of which, how did you even find your home? Or did you just break into someone's else's? Meh, if they knew I was trying to save the world, I'm sure they wouldn't mind if I did. Well, that is if you broke into their home. You could be wrong. Who honestly knows at this—is that a light?

Looking ahead of you, your eyes squinting, you barely make out six figures heading away from town. Hey! Maybe they know the way to Galaxy Hair's castle. That would surely make your quest go along quicker if they did. Balancing the stack of pancakes in your right hand, you make your way over to the six small horses.

Thank someone up above for that light of theirs. Maybe one of them's a unicorn? Or maybe they finally invented the flashlight. Oh, that would be good. I can finally search for that thing that growls in my basement. You're getting off track, you can worry about that later. Right now, you need to focus on saving the world.

Or dooming it, but you can worry about that later, too. Instantly drawing their attention, you shout over to them, "Hey, you guys know how to get to that castle? The, er…” You trail off, snapping your fingers. You had it in your head a second ago. "Ah, the Castle of the Two Scissors!" Weird name, but it's Ponyland, can't judge it, you say to yourself. Either way, it still draws the strangers over.

Totally not in a menacing way.

"Anon? S'that you? How'd y'all escape Nightmare Moon's evil hooves?!" Oh, holy shit. Applehat's still alive. You shake your head, the bet with Pronka being another thing you need to worry about later.

"Uh, yeah! Who else is with you?" Getting even nearer to the group, you slowly begin to realize, without a verbal answer, who the others are.

Firefly, that new horse sent by Princess Sunburn. "We got ourselves Twilight…”

Pronka, that super special horse. The one you owe a bit to. "Pinkie Pie…”

Crayola, super speedy horse. Not much special about her, except the fact she likes to brag. "Rainbow Dash…”

Flutterbutter, horse whisperer horse. "Fluttershy…”

And… uh… what's her name? The white one? "…and Rarity! That's the six of us, Anon. How about y’all? You bringin' anypony else along? Ah reckon we could use all the help we could get."

What'd she say? Shit... You spaced out trying to think of the white horse's name. "Uh… just me. Anyway! So you guys know how to get to the castle or what? I got a proposition for the super tall horse." As soon as the fellowship of horses gathers in front of you, they stare blankly.

"Not Sunburn. Um…” They continue to stare. "Has like, really cool hair?" More staring. "I don't want to say it…” Continuous staring. "…The black one." A single blink.

"Ohh!"

Racists. The lot of them.

"You mean Nightmare Moon, correct?" Firefly responds, a book in her magical grasp flipping open towards you. A picture of the same horse that probably touched you in your sleep resides in its pages. Receiving a nod, she continues. "Yes, well. We're actually on our way to stop her now… despite my wanting to go alone. What's this about a proposition?" Pulling the book back to her side, she tilts her head in a questioning manner. It's official, she is best horse. Fucking adorable.

"Yes." You really need to stay out of your head; you get distracted so easily. Seriously, what did she say? She purses her lips for a moment.

"Oookay, well now. We've got somepony on some kind of adrenaline-esque drug, a hick who can't pronounce my name right, a condescending braggart, somepony who can't even say hi, a fashion freak who keeps talking about dresses, and now a hairless monkey who can't properly speak. Look at this team, we're going to do great." She brings her hoof up to her face as she sighs. "Should've joined the Royal Guard with my brother."

"She's so positive we can do this! Yay!" Flutterbutter speaks up, entirely ignoring the huge list of insults that came with their names. Everyone ignores her.

You blink, hearing a whisper in your ear, but whatever. "So, what was your plan? I was just going to offer her pancakes." You try to hide the decently sized platter of charred remains, but alas, you can't do much without making it look obvious. Luckily enough, however, the group ignores your grand idea.

"Well, Twilight here says we need to find the Elements of Harmony. We can use them to defeat Nightmare Moon and save Equestria from nighttime." Crayola smashes her hoof into her other, waiting hoof. She must be filled with determination or something.

"Your idea sounds stupid, let's try mine first." It was your plan to save Ponyland first anyway, so of course you should be the one to start.

"Oh, yeah. Let's ignore the logical plan and go with something so asinine, it must surely work. Bucking moron," Firefly mutters to herself, unaware of your average human hearing. Too bad you have no idea what asinine means. Be sure to ask her later. "Fine, but when that ultimately fails, we have the right to go through with my plan, got it?" Faith is radiating from her. Or is that annoyance? Can't tell the difference either way.

"Yeah, let's go save Horseplanet!" Way to make yourself sound like a dumbass. It's Ponyland, get it right.

-----

It was a long journey, too long to recapture fully in your mind, but holy shit were you awesome. You saved Firefly from falling off of a cliff, though granted it was only a three-foot drop; punched a manticore in the neck, releasing the tension Flutterbutter said it had; stood idly by as the horses were afraid of trees for some reason, minus Pronka, who laughed like a maniac—bitch had her own song to go with it; rested your pancake arm while the white horse talked with a giant water horse; and lastly, pushed Crayola from a cliff because she was being a bitch, but the gang thought it was to repair the bridge. Sure.

Pretty fucking awesome, but in the end, you and the group finally made it to the Castle of the Wood Blisters.

"Two Sisters," Firefly corrects with a huff from your side. To be honest, you could do without the little autocorrect she apparently has built in her, but whatever. Your quest is coming to a close, and with pancakes in hand, you know exactly how things are going to go down. Kind of.

"Yeah, whatever. Castle of the Twin Fisters. Got it." Using your other hand to wave her retort away, you take the first step through the large wooden entrance, the familiar sight sending unwelcome chills up your spine. The kind of imminent rapey chills up your spine.

Thank whoever's upstairs that you have five friends and the white horse to help you out if things go south. "Alright gang, let's split up. She could be anywhere in this castle, and I can't afford to lose my own life." Your old childhood references really need to stop coming up at the most inopportune times. No one here is going to understand you or them anyway, so why even bother? "Let's search for clues."

…Or fucking ignore me, fine.

As soon as you step through the door, warning alarms begin to flare in your head. There, exactly where you left her, was the big wig herself, napping peacefully. "Hey, uhm, you…” you say, entirely forgetting her name, your eyes squinting angrily in her direction. She doesn't acknowledge you, making you realize you said her name more quietly than you thought. Coughing into your fist, you try again. "Galaxy Hair!" Still nothing. Just go up to her, seriously. You’ve got those six other horses behind your back, don't you?

Oh yeah.

You continue forward until you consider yourself a reasonable distance away from the super tall horse. Like, right in her bubble of personal space. "Psst, hey. I made you pancakes. Could you like, I don't know, make it day now?" And you pussy out last second by whispering in her direction. Regardless, you spoke, and your words stir her slightly. A single eye eases open to look at you lazily for only a second before it widens.

"Thou hast returned to Us!" She stands up from her throne almost immediately, astonishment gracing her horse features. Approaching you, her horn lights up and grabs you by the neck of your shirt, dragging you towards her now open hooves. "May the cuddling commence once more!"

How hasn't she seen those other horses yet? I'm—wait, what'd she just say? No. No, no, no. Nope, fuck this horse. I mean don’t. Let the cuddling un-commence. How about not, you practically scream inside of your head, and before you are fully in her embrace, you pull up the platter of pancakes. Sadly enough, however, no words leave your mouth. "Uh..." Oh great, you're panicking. You came here with a plan, and you're panicking. How the fuck were you able to do this the first time around? Oh wait, duh.

You carelessly toss the glass plate aside, shattering it on the ground, and meekly grab at her horn. The tugging you felt around your neck ceases as the light around Galaxy Hair's horn shimmers and sputters before dying out entirely. Kind of like your spirit, but that's beside the point. You smack your lips, preparing your speech of victory and—holy shit your breath is rank! How did you just now notice this? Of all the things you forgot to do at home, you forgot to brush your teeth? Ew, that's fucking nasty. You feel your face contort in disgust. "Jeez, that's awful," you mumble, unaware that everyone around is looking at you strangely.

"W-why art thou betraying us? We were promised pure and utter dominance of the day! Surely you are not a stallion of betraying his word?" You are literally ignoring everything she is saying; your breath is bad. Like, when was the last time you brushed? Two days ago? Yesterday? Shit, you really can't remember. Honestly, it makes you gag.

"Hold on a sec. I'm tryna think here." You hold up a finger to silence her, but that only serves to increase her line of ranting.

"Unhoof Us at once! We implore, we implore!" No, it wasn't yesterday. You were too distracted by the news of someone new coming to town. "W-what? Who are those others you have brought with you?" Two days ago doesn't seem right either. You explicitly remember crying all day that day. When the fuck did you last brush? "No. No! What art thou doing?! Cease thy actions at once! Stay thy armament!" On that matter, did you buy a new toothbrush since the house fire? Oh my God. It's been months?! You've been eating burnt pancakes, other unhealthy meals, and God knows what for three months, and you haven't brushed once. Why?! You are disgusted with yourself.

You blink. Weren't you doing something?

"Any last words, traitorous scum?" Firefly's voice draws your attention, the question actually reminding you of one you had yourself.

"Well, two questions, really. What does asinine mean? And where can I buy toothbrushes?" Everyone just looks at you with quirked eyebrows, even Galaxy Hair from below your hand grasping at her horn.

"I was talking to Nightmare moon..."

"Oh! Then continue." You purse your lips as you look over to the group of six, each now adorned with weird jewelry around their necks. Save for Firefly, who wore a really ugly crown. Honestly, one of the worst you've ever seen.

While you're mentally berating Firefly's fashion sense, Galaxy Hair's eyes are moving frantically between each of her captors. Obviously she didn't expect her day to go like this. Escape from the moon after the one thousandth year, have a hairless monkey grab your horn then ask to sleep with you and cuddle, take over the world in a single night, and then have the same monkey from before grabbing your horn once more, making you all but powerless? Strange day indeed. "Please, let Us go! Thou hast already defeated Us! Do not take away Our dignity as well!"

You open your mouth to respond, but Firefly beats you to the punch. "Too bad. I've had a helluva day, and I really don't care. Took these five imbeciles for me to realize what the Elements were. Turns out I did need them after all." You could feel the roll of her eyes. "Regardless, you took the Princess, and for that crime alone, you have to be put down." Wait, how's she gonna do that with you holding Galaxy Hair's horn? She gonna fry you, too? Welp, you've had a good run. Maybe you'll wake up at home and this'll all just have been a really shitty dream.

Not that working the graveyard shift at a mall's any better, but still.

You could barely make out a gulp from Galaxy Hair before the six behind you start to glow and levitate. The air surrounding them grows heavy, almost nauseatingly so, and you notice each jewel piece shining brighter every second. What the fuck is happening? Crayola's colors are seemingly shared with the others as everything begins to whiten and—pop. Oddly enough, you don't feel that impressed anymore. "Huh, popped their ULT too early. Rookie mista—"

PFOOOM! An amalgamation of colors flies up into the night sky, brightening the world around it. The giant rainbow laser thing continues straight up, far beyond your average human vision can see—partly because it was covered by clouds, but still. You make out a slight curve up above, and the prism-esque laser begins descending towards Galaxy Hair and you. The former looks more and more afraid as it grows nearer. You can only purse your lips as a simple, "Huh, neat" leaves your mouth.

And suddenly, once more, everything goes white. For like, five seconds.

Author's Note

Please kill me.

Fuck, figured I'd post it before I go shopping.