Author's Note

A two-parter epilogue no one expected—no, not even me.

This chapter came from a friend of mine! Through Discord, this bitch sent me the entire outline/script for the epilogue. Outside of what I know of this shit:

Be Tact, know next to nothing about greentext

I think I did a good job bringing it to life! In other words, I fucked everything up, but still.

Whatever. Sumbitch said he wanted to remain anonymous, but fuck that, here's our chatlog and his username, go thank him for this trash heap: Sonnie's Edgy Personality#7131(Warning, the end of the chatlog does contain spoilers for the next chapter, kinda-ish)

I'd say his account here, but he doesn't have one. Fuckin' nerd.

yet another empty promise of i'll fix it when i can. kind of being a staple for me now, innit?
also, never understood his username choice. it a reference to something? 'cause i don't get it lmfao

... by breaking Twilight's heart... (Epilogue 1/2)

It is the sound of cheering, the constant yippering and yappering of many horses that pulls you from your thoughts. Today was moving day and, for some reason, these fucking horses decided to throw a party. You believe it could be someone's birthday, but you don't really give a fuck if you're honest. Either way, it's kind of rude of them, what with you sending yourself off and, well, you alone. Eh, sort of.

At least Firefly is with you, murmuring to herself under her breath. Pretty annoying, but more than half of whatever these fucking horses do is annoying, so you ignore it. Besides, Firefly's like, the least annoying horse there is in Ponyland. The more irksome ponies' celebration soon etches out of earshot as the two of you trek your ways to the station.

She continues to murmur, so fuck ignoring it. It's super annoying. "Yo, Star Ass, what's grinding your gears?" She scoffs at your 100% accurate guess of her name and sighs outwardly.

"Nothing, ape. Well, nothing your mollusc-sized brain can comprehend, at least." The fuck's a mollusc? Must be pretty big if she's comparing it to your brain. Probably. Who the fuck knows honestly. But wait, was that a not-insult from her? You heart stops for, like, all of two seconds. That doesn't seem all too healthy, but I'm not a doctor and neither are you. You grin widely down at her as she grimaces at your stare. Aw, a compliment, that's the first nice thing anyone's ever said to me! You nearly squeal in delight but tempt her to continue speaking instead. She raises the side of her mouth in a snarl at your hand motion and shakes her head. "But primates can try, however."

Adjusting her pack of infinite holding, which is carrying your stuff 'cause you're a lazy bastard, she stares at the road ahead, ignoring the passersby and the buildings at your sides. Fine, if she isn't going to talk, it's time to ruminate on some important shi—oh, she's talking. Probably about nothing important. "It's just that I don't understand how Princess Luna, Bucking Celestia for that matter, can thank you of all ponies! It's exasperating as Hell. You did nothing, you didn't find or wield any of the Elements needed to stop her, you didn't... you were... you were all but useless! And they thanked you!" She let out a gasp as she takes a breath inward, glaring at the road before you both. Wonder what all of that was about? Ah, well, doesn't matter.

I wonder if Midgemoon's gonna pay me back one of these days? You contemplate to yourself. I gave her pancakes, I let her take over the world, I save her from Niggmare Moon. Shit, she's got a debt built up! You smile; maybe she'll reward you with a giant statue of your dick so you can tell everyone that comes near your to-be-home's lawn to virtually fuck off. That'd be a laugh!

... ooor would you get sued for technical public indecency? Hell do you know, horse law differs from 'Murica law. "Hey, Firefly, is it legal to have a dick in your grass?" You turn to look at her, but it seems she's stopped walking beside you a few ~~hundred~~ feet ago. You look back and there she is, animatedly yelling what you think are commendations for your bravery. I mean, you can't hear any of it, but she's shouting something, so.

Deaf bastard.

After a few minutes pass, Twilight comes back up to you, red in the face and a dizzy look seems to have befallen her. Maybe... maybe she fell in love with your heroism? If that's the case, you have to remind yourself to turn her down later before it becomes something much worse. Couldn't lead her on, right? Not only because she's best horse, but also because you don't swing that way. You're vagina sexual, not horn-up-ass sexual. It just wouldn't work between you two. Besides, anyone ever tell you, "don't fuck a stan?" True shit, that. Regardless of how she feels and how you don't, you give her a pat on the top of her head.

A growl escapes her. Must be more nervous about it than you thought? Ah, well, since that's the case, you pull your hand back to your side and continue walking. "You were saying, Firefly?" Maybe if she admits it now, you can turn her down much quicker.

"Noth. Ing." Nuh thing? Holy shit, it's worse than you thought. You stop in your tracks, inadvertently stopping her as well, and grab her by the horse shoulders. Turning her to face you, an etched frown on her face, you get down on one knee and sigh.

"I'm sorry." You start and Firefly's expression goes blank, a problem has been detected and Windowsill has been shut down to prevent damage to herself. She looks so confused, but you see her eyes widen; an inkling of an idea pops in her head.

"You-wha... you are?" Her mouth opens and closes several times before a small grin takes place on her muzzle. You smile down at her. "Ah... thanks, ape... that, erm. That means a lot, coming from the source of the issue and... and whatnot. Thank you." She whispers out, turning her head away from you. You give her another gentle pat on her head and she giggles under your hand.

Hole. E. Shit. That was so much easier than you thought it was gonna be! Good job, you! You're fucking bomb at letting people down. Should make this a day job for you or something. Have these horses pay bank just to get talked at. You'd become a rich motherless fucker. You smack your lips together and look up, away from Firefly. It looks like you guys are at the station finally. This trip felt so long to you, but in all actuality, it took just under a thousand words to get to this sentence. You heave a sigh and pat Firefly on the head once more before standing up. "Well, Firefly. Nice knowing ya. I'll catch ya later, probably never, so." The now quiet horse nods and levitates your pack of in-all-actuality-very-limited holding into your waiting hand. You heft it over a shoulder and grin at her, "fuck you, space cowhorse."

Firefly lets out a chuckle, having bonded with your nonsensical ass some way, somehow. "Fuck you too, stupid monkey." Cute. She's using your tongue. In a not-at-all sexual way.

Fuck you for assuming that, weirdo.

You send her a nod and start packing off towards the train, all the while spaghetti spilling out of your pack. You're not going to miss this town, but her?

Her, you might.

To Be Continued...?
Well, duh, no shit. I've still got to write part 2 for this bitch.