My Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right Now

Damn it, Spike.

I specifically put those cards in the trash for a very. Specific. Reason. Why would you go and make me take them out? Why are you making me do any of this at all?

This is exactly why no one from the dragon lands wants to move over here and be your friend. Because you keep. Sticking. Your claws. In other people's stuff! And it makes you have no friends—

...okay maybe I'm not being entirely fair. Besides, it's not like I have a whole lot of close friends either. Just... kind of the one, right now, maybe. The one who... well, I kept her from killing herself. Does that count?

Please let that count it gets lonely sometimes when I think about it for too long

I... look, it's just... friendship lessons? I, mean, yeah, I get it. I've been here long enough to know that Twilight literally gets off on lecturing. Ponies actually warned me about it while I was moving my things into the castle, but they actually didn't need to, because here's a fun exercise: listen to her breathing when she's in her lecturing stance. You know, the one where she's looking up with her eyes closed and a big smile, and sometimes a long stick in her hoof that she may or may not swing around like a riding crop when it fits her mood.

But yeah, just listen, and you'll notice: the more she talks, the deeper her breaths get. And her voice gets a bit higher as she goes on, and... and then every other word starts getting what even I have to admit are the cutest little moans attached to the end or beginning syllable and

...oooooohhhhhhh wow actually that all is pretty hot
especially once her mouth gets dry from talking so much and she has to lick her muzzle
crap i think i just realized why I've been putting up with her schtick for this long i
i'll be right back

Okay. Off track, I went completely off track there, sorry. Back on track, Starlight. Focus. You can do this.

Look, I went along with Twilight's "friendship lessons" idea because, one, as I may or may not have just realized, I like Twilight. Like, a lot. And two, I didn't exactly want to give any more signs that I might be Tartatus material.

But how exactly do you teach friendship?

I mean, friendship is just supposed to be a thing that happens, right? Like, all organic and stuff? And with people you like! And who like you! And Twilight's other pals... I don't hate them. They're actually really nice.

But we have nothing in common. One's into dresses. Another's into flight, another's into fruit, another's into junk food, and the last one runs a zoo without worrying about silly things like permits or structure or safety regulations. I have no interest in any of those things, nor have I ever, meaning I'm bad at all of them. I'd just drag them down.

Assigning me to do all the stuff they like isn't going to make us better friends. It's just going to make things worse! Because the second they see that I'm not a baker, or a fashionista, or that I like to move at my own pace instead of at super speed?

The second they see that I'm a one-trick-pony... well, okay, lots of tricks but they all involve one kind of thing...!

...well, then they'll definitely hate me.

This is dumb.

I don't want to do it.

I just want to sit in my room and read about famous magicians some more.

But Twilight and Spike won't let me not do it.

I... ugh. I'll just have to chin up and get it over with.

Worst case scenario? Nopony said magic wasn't allowed in these lessons...