My Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right Now

I think back to the day I mind-controlled Twilight's friends a lot.

Like, this probably won't be the last entry on this, by a long shot. It was kind of a big day for me in a lot of ways, and I'm still exploring that. Twilight says that it's healthy that I do. That I confront these things. That I make peace with them, and myself.

And... well, sure, I agree. Still, I don't try to think about it too much, for several reasons which I hope are obvious.

But today... well, today I just spent about six hours helping Pinkie Pie bake pastries for a birthday at the Ponyville schoolhouse. You know. Cakes and pies and muffins. It took a long time, but we did it. We took them over to the schoolhouse, some girl named Diamond Tiara very reluctantly shared them with everypony (yeah, I've been there, sister) and everyone was happy. Mission accomplished.

Now the day's over. I'm completely exhausted—and half-deaf because again, obvious reasons. So here I am, lying in my bed, writing in you, and... I thought back to the time I mind-controlled Pinkie.

And I can't help but think:

That day was was the only time Pinkie Pie has ever been fun for me to be around.

I...

...I would never tell her that to her face, and this actually doesn't apply to the others. I mean, the others are a runaround for me, too, but I can ascertain what their deals are. I can prepare for them, compartmentalize them in my mind. Shift myself subtly towards what they like and be their friend without any unpredictable complications awesome darling apples bunnies books.

But Pinkie. Even talking to her got me nowhere today. I was almost afraid of her. Our wavelengths just don't sync.

There's only one day where they ever did.

There's just something wonderful about a Pinkie Pie that you can... predict.

And stop.

And... and start back up when you want to.

Even if when you want to is never.

Sure, it was a little weird at first, but it was also... bliss.

I'm smiling right now thinking back on it. She just... there was nothing going on like there was today. There was no bouncing. There was no fourth-wall bouncing (seriously, she pinballed across every single wall in the kitchen, in ball form—and given that kitchen's deluxe size it was kind of incredible to watch). There were no high-pitched yells. There were no constant encouragements for me to chin up, to smile.

There was just me, and a Pinkie, and I could be in the same room with her and actually hear myself think.

And smile on my own time.

She just stayed there. Waiting. Asking what I wanted her to do. It was...

...I could be me.

Oh gosh I actually miss it. I'd do it again. I want to do it again. Just to experiment. Would we actually be better friends if I just... got rid of everything that makes Pinkie Pinkie? Because that's where this seems to be going, and—

and I've heard a rant like this before, from myself no, no, nononononononononononono

I'm slipping

this is slipping

I can't tell Maud this. I tell Maud so much but I have to keep this in, that's her sister for crying out loud why am I so horrible I'll never get this friendship shit right

This needs a book

Why doesn't friendship have a book

Or failing that why can't everypony in this town stop being crazy

I miss the old town

I miss the predictability

I miss when everyone slowed down for me and I called the shots and I didn't have to account for everypony's so-called idiotic opinions and I can't do this anymore Twilight's wrong I'm a total lost cause

Hi. I'm back. Sorry about all the tear stains back then.

...and sorry about the ones now.

I talked to Twilight. Well, more like I bawled out everything to Twilight. She heard me crying. It's a good thing I stashed you away in your pocket dimension before I completely lost myself in self-pity.

I often forget just how much she and I have in common. And just how much I can tell her in the strictest confidence. And she didn't recoil, or call me a monster. She's messed with mind control before too, and it's had the same allure for her.

...and then she decided that I should see Maud.

After promptly shooting down my alternate plan of throwing myself off of the castle balcony, I did so, but I made sure Twilight would come with me. No way was I going to face her with my story alone.

The first words out of Maud's muzzle were her reminding me that she actually almost didn't move to Ponyville because Pinkie was so... so Pinkie. Which I had admittedly forgotten.

The second was reminding me that she gets me. She lives in a cave and only comes out when she wants to. I'm her only frequent visitor. And usually it's just quiet talk ~~about our feelings~~ and quiet sex. It has to be quiet because rock caves have acoustics like nothing else but between you and me having to be so stealth about it gives me a total rush—

...I love my friends so much.

Even if they sic their pet rocks on me for talking smack about their sisters. Geez, for such an ironically-named pebble, Boulder sure stings.

That pain's nothing compared to my heart's though.

I mean, Maud said a lot of words. None of them were judging me on my horrible selfish feelings. She said I wasn't wrong to feel like how I did. But she loves her sister anyway, because Pinkie's her sister. And that's fair. And when it comes down to it, I also...

...don't... think... Pinkie needs to be shot into the sun?

ARGH I feel awful about all those words I wrote up there sort of I guess but they're also still how I feel and I can't change that any more than I can (without magic) change Pinkie.

If the princess of friendship and a freaking doctor of geology can believe in me so much... maybe I'm not a lost cause. Sure.

But I still don't know why I'm a friendship student.

Wait. No. Graduate, now. That makes it even worse.

Aren't friends supposed to be... you know...

nice ponies?