My Little Pony: Starlight Glimmer Is Interesting As Fuck Here Is Every Interesting Thing This Mare Says And Does And Thinks And Oh God Why Can't There Just Be More Right Now

OH MY GOD

THIS FUCKING BABY

THIS FUCKINGCHILD

THIS FUCKING STUPID BABY CHILD ARRRRRRRRRRRRRGH—

...focus, Starlight. Focus. Calmness. Serenity.

Whoo-shah.

...

ohmygodfuckingstupidchild

So I was out with Maud today—or should I say, "in." We never actually went outside to see the sun. Instead, we explored more of the rock caves around where near she lives. We walked around and around and anypony else would totally have gotten crushed by a certain accidental cave-in were they not a magical savant and a mare with an indestructible skull and hooves.

But Maud and I are those things, so ha! Fuck you, nature.

eeeeeeeeee I'm actually pretty great

Anyway, after walking around miles of caves and listening to Maud talk about how every single priceless jewel in them was beneath her notice (in the end she went ga-ga over a specific type of flint that years of pressure had forged in the shape of a heart—I suppose I can't complain too much), we went back to her place, ~~screwed ourselves silly while surrounded by rubies and sapphires and seriously~~ you wish you had our lives but you don't and that makes me so happy relaxed for a while, and then I went back to the castle.

Totally beat from all of today's exercise, I clamber upstairs, open my door...

...and step into my bedroom lagoon.

With my bed as a boat, floating in the middle of it all. Everything has water damage: my books, my pictures, my magic supplies—including the inextinguishable torches! I can't light the damn things anymore! I didn't know they could go out!

But it was the candles that tipped me off to who was behind it all. See, it takes really powerful magic to be able to mess with those things. Discord and I have a professional relationship (he doesn't touch my stuff, I don't tell Fluttershy about the pictures, neither of us fights to the death), meaning there was only one supervillain left at large in Equestria with the power to do this.

That damn baby.

Yeah, so I found out that Twilight had volunteered to watch Flurry Heart again and forgot to tell me. Which meant I wasn't able to cast the childproofing spell on my door (again, specifically made for alicorns—don't ask), which meant that while Flurry was going on one of her trademark tears through the castle, she made it into my room, decided she wanted to play pirate, and, well... here we are.

So of course I read Twilight the riot act. I mean, who would convict me ~~these days~~, right?

And you know what Twilight does?

She turns to me, smiles, giggles, and says that while it was "regrettable," that hey, we're also now even for the time I made Rainbow Dash flood the entire castle with storm clouds.

HOLY SHIT, PRINCESS OF FRIENDSHIP

I mean, she's not even wrong, I did do that, and it was kind of incredible, but... but... geez, a three-month-long stealth grudge? I apologized for that crap already!

...is it wrong that I... really respect that?

Well-played, Sparkle. Well-played. I can't quit you why

Still, as Celestia is my witness, I am never, ever having children. If this is what they lead to, Cadance can have the little bundle of stupid. Bet she always thinks twice before letting some army brat's cock inside her these days.

Or maybe not, she is government.

Ugh.

Anyway, this is where I wait for my room to be dried by hoof. Generalized cleansing spells won't hack it for fine-detail jobs like these. Also, I made sure to move the the water-sensitive magic supplies to another room. No sense in the candles re-lightning the second they're dry and causing even more casualties.

Look at me, caring about ponies whose names I don't even know. How far I've fallen, heh heh.

In the meantime, during the cleaning process, I'm writing this from Trixie's. This is an adventure in itself because Trixie is lying next to me and petting my mane whenever she thinks I'm too into my writing. She keeps telling me to "stop and come to bed," not realizing that writing this stuff is how I unwind and—

—no, Trixie, there's "unwinding" and then there's messy and exhausting recreation you may not know the difference but I—

...oh, fine. Seriously, at this point, what have I got to lose? You already got my damned virginity a little over a month ago yes there was doubt, Trixie, lots and lots of of doubt FINE I'll pick this up later if it'll stop your horny pouting come here