Equestrian: Bizarre Adventures
Like most cities, around Baltimare there was either empty fields, or forest. Road which run through the forest didn’t look like roads in human world. They didn’t use a lot of asphalt, more stones and sand. Old-school, but effective enough. They probably didn’t even had cars to speak of, so why bother with road proper for them? Obviously it would be waste of resources. Finally, Feliks eye caught a road sign. So this was official start of the city. It wasn’t just green with white 'BALTIMARE' typed in boring font. It was big, colourful and with rather astounding font.
“I guess we’re here. Welcome to Baltimare.” Giselle flew up and gazed upon the city. Starting few few lesser houses, slowly getting bigger all the way up to big skyscraper. It was different than the place he lived in, but mainly because it looked more like part of the USA than Europe.
“Not too shabby. It has that American vibe to it. Can’t say it’s strange for me.
“I’m afraid I don’t get it.
“Nah, you don’t have too. It was a reference to my homeworld. Can’t help it,” he took a look around to see bunch of ponies looking at him with curiosity, some with fear. A sigh left his mouth as he look at griffon. “Thanks for showing me the way Giselle. That was nice. But I guess it’s time for me to go. See you around,” he nodded his head and started to walk in way of the city center. Wondering what to do now. It was almost fifteen hours since he woke up, after long day of work he started to get tired, but he had no money to rent a room, actually he didn’t had money for anything. Being human also means that finding job might be hard. Even if probably most of the ponies around though he is some sort of strange minotaur, or other humanoid creature, like diamond dog. Maybe it would help him a little bit.
He was sensation, there is no doubt for it. A lot’s of fillies or colts asked their parents what he is, but most of them just said it’s rude to stare and they shouldn’t ask such questions. All this made Feliks want to smoke. He didn’t knew how do ponies act with smoking, maybe they don’t do it at all, maybe they do it less often. Well, only one way to get to know this. He reached to his right pocket and grabbed pack of cigarettes along with his lighter. He took one and lighted it. As taste filled his mouth, and smoke filled his lungs he felt calmed. Then he reached to his left pocket and took his phone out. No signal, and only twenty percent of battery left. Even if he had his charger with him, how could he use it. Did ponies had electricity? So many questions without answers.
After some times of walking he found small dyke, which he decided to sat upon. He took last puff of his cigarette and extinguished it on his stone seat. He yawned and rest his head on his arm. He tried not to fall asleep, but it was hard because of how tired he was. Also, now even more ponies stared at him, even if they tried to hide it, he still noticed. Whenever somepony meet his sight they quickly turned the head around, sometimes even blushed as they felt guilty of staring at him. But he did not mind at all. He yawned yet again and decided it’s time to move, he didn’t want fall asleep there.
The further he went into the city, the more shops there were, also the more ponies ignored him. A lot of them probably were too busy to care about some bald monkey walking around. Not like that mattered. Now Feliks was the one stopping to look at things, since he was a lot taller than ponies, getting lost in the crowd wasn’t easy, also because of his height most of the ponies stepped aside, as he stood in front of the tailor shop he started to wonder how he’s gonna get clothes, all will have to be custom, since he is human, that would probably cost a lot. He watched few episode of the Show which took place in said world but how close to the ruth was it? Well it was right about ponies, and puns in city names.
After a while he felt something hit his leg, something small. He looked down just to see blue unicorn filly which most likely was the thing that just nudge his leg.
“I’m sorry Mister…” as he looked up she looked shocked, but it quickly changed to somewhat of a curiosity. “Wow… are you a minotaur?” she asked.
“Not really, I doubt it would ring any bells to you but I’m a human,” he sounded calm, hoping he won’t scare this little pony. “Shouldn’t ya stay close to your mom in such crowd?
“I should, but I really wanted to see what was on one shop display and I’m lost…” tears appeared in corner of her eyes.
Human lips formed a gentle smile as he reached down.
“Fear not small one. I know how to help thee” as he said, he grabbed filly and raised her above most of ponies, since he was so much taller than them it wasn’t hard.
“There she is! Mom, mom!” little filly called her mother, as a unicorn mare with same colour as her daughter looked toward Feliks and small unicorn.
“Lazuli!” she yelled back as she crossed the crowd just to stand next to human. “Oh, thank you mister, I don’t know what would I’ve done without you!” she said truly happy. As he put unicorn back on the ground her mother hugged her.
“Nah, don’t mention it. But you should be more careful kid,” he wanted to wag his finger but they would get it since they have no fingers. So he just put his hand into pockets.
“Oh right mister,” filly smiled with smile so bright it could rival the sun.
“Now now. You have to thank Mister…
“Feliks, and really, you don’t have to
“Thanks!” she sure was happy.
“Pleasure is mine then. But it’s time for me so have a nice day.
“Oh yes, same to you mister, and thanks once again,” now mare also smiled.
“LIke I said, don’t mention it,” he bowed his head and turned around. He heard like filly said something about him being human to her mom, that was hearthwarming. But his mind now reminded him that he could ask what money do they use. Well, now it’s too late.
His wander lead him all the way to the mall. A smaller than the one he worked in, but still rather big one. As he had a lot of free time he entered it, beside the fact it was full of ponies, and pony related things, some clothing store had griffons as models for their clothes too, but overall it would fit both pegasus and griffons, anyway it was same as the human one, just with different target. Same as on earth there was a lot of youth, even if they were ponies, mainly mares, best place to dodge school. He heard some whispers, but didn’t understood what they said, so zero fucks were given. He didn’t care about anything here, he just wanted to do something for the sake of doing it. He stopped in front of few shops just to look at stuff. He even got followed by few mares, which must have been really curious about him. Depending on how you wanna put it, sadly or luckily for these mares, he didn’t care about them, and after some time of wandering just left.
Sky started to get gray, and orange, that means, it was almost night time. So he managed to walk around for whole day, and didn’t do anything. Almost twenty hours without sleep made him so tired, that he started to think about going to sleep on bench in the park he currently was in. For now, he only sat there.
“There you are!” a familiar voice was caught by Feliks ears, he turned around just to see a Giselle in the air near him. She landed on the bench next to him “I looked for you, it was pretty hard, even if you are so tall, and well… you are not a pony,” she looked at him with a grin.
“Why you sheare… shasrea. God damn it I’m too tird to talk…” human wiped his eyes with his fingers.
“That’s why I’m here dude. You need to get some sleep, and I think I know where,” she looked quite happy “Before you ask where, at my place, I have a couch which is pretty big, so you should fit, c’mon now. You can’t sleep at the bench. It’s cold at night,” she grabbed his shirt and make him stood on his legs once again. “It’s not far away” she added before starting walking.
Even if tired, Feliks followed her, with few yawns once a while. They walked through the park and few streets, and finally they stopped before a storey building. Stairs, mortal enemy of all drunk, and tired people. And sadly for him, Giselle lived on a fourth floor. But finally they got inside. A small flat, two rooms, kitchen and bathroom. Nothing special. Well, maybe beside few posters with pony equivalent of bands from his world. From all he understood, most were metal.
“Iron Mareden? I know that band. I mean, we have something like that in our world, but with Maid instead of Mare,” he said looking at one of the posters. “But Killers is also their album. I must say it is kinda funny to see
“It probably would be so for me if I saw all posters from your versions of bands with humans,” she said sitting on the couch. “C’mon, don’t stand there, you can sit too,” she patted place beside her, and soon Feliks joined. “I know how many bits I have there, so If I see even two missing I’ll punch you,” she said like it was totally normal thing.
“Calm your feathers yo. I ain’t gonna steal anything from someone who saved my arse from sleeping on the bench,” he said, closing his eyes for a moment.
“Good” she wanted to say something more but it would be one sided conversation because human just fell asleep. “Oh… you must have been really tired,” she whispered, while getting up to turn of the lights and went to her room.
Even if coach wasn’t small, it was too small for human, his legs just hang at the end of it, same goes for his arm. Few buttons from his shirt were undone, and his trainers lied next to him. He also managed to undo his belt buckle and zipper. It’s hard to tell how he did while still being asleep.
Soon silence were broken by growls, groans and purrs of annoyed Griffon. So she was awake, tho she wasn’t a morning bird nor a morning cat. Her feathers were in complete chaos, she waved her tail impatiently and overall looked annoyed. She took a quick peek at human lying on her couch, stared for a moment and went to the kitchen, where she turned the radio before starting to making herself coffee.
Music was too loud to ignore, so Feliks awoke soon after, with annoyed growl he tried to lie in different position just to feel from the bed with loud clangour. He lied for a while on a floor, then proceeded to get up, with a cracking sound from his joints and vertebrae. The couch wasn’t the best for him, to small, and to narrow. But it still was better than bench.
“Jasny chuj…” he murmured under his breath trying to get up. Still half asleep he went to the kitchen.
“So you’re awake too? Cool. Wanna some coffee?
“Yes… wait… I even have a mug for that…” he turned around and went back to room he slept in just to go for his bag which he opened and took a still packed, Adeptus Mechanicus Mug which he bought yesterday. He went back to the kitchen and put it next to the smaller one, presumably belonging to Giselle.
“Hey, it’s cool. What this… skull thingy is?” she asked looking at human with eyes as much asleep as hers.
“Cog Mechanicum, symbol of techpriests from mars,” he answered gladly.
“From Warhammer forty k? I thought it had a pony skull… Wait, you mean this is a version from your world so it has human skull?” she asked with slightly more life.
“Yes… wait, you play Warhammer too? Dang I meet only few people around my area
“I do sometimes, but my favourite army are Chaos Marines
“Heretic Scum
“Machine worshipper
“Well, talking about machines, can I load my phone?” he picked out it from his pocket “Or is this is my wishful thinking?
“Yep, I can borrow you my charger if you don’t have own,” in the meantime she filled Feliks mug with coffee and let him do the same with sugar.
“I have one, but I’m not sure it would fit, since a lot of countries have unique sockets, at least in my world
“There is one if you wanna check it,” she pointed at a place behind the radio, at which human looked and examined socket.
“Nope, mine won’t fit. So I guess I’ll borrow yours
“No problem dude. I’ll bring it later,” she said, but the kettle whistle started going crazy, Griffon poured the water to both mugs. “You add milk or sugar?” she asked looking at human.
“Yes, I usually drink my coffee so gay that it’s half milk, half coffee you know, I’m more of a tea guy.
“I can accept that,” she opened the fridge and picked bottle of milk, then poured it tho both drinks. Quick peek let Feliks notce some meat. So she isn’t a vegetarian, like ponies. “Sugar is in that shelf here,” she showed him it with a claw.
Human nodded, his stand appeared in front of the shelf and took thee sugar from it, then added it to the coffee.
“Hey, that might be useful in life, but are you seriously this lazy so you use this for adding sugar to coffee?” she asked and rose one brow.
“Well, my Stand doesn’t really have much range you know,” he said picking up his mug. “But I do use it for things like this, sometimes. Yes, I am lazy.
“I won’t lie, I’d probably do the same thing
“I bet most of the stand users do that. Maybe with skills like this I’ll find myself a job faster. Since I don’t wanna abuse your hospitality.
“You can stay here for longer than one night you know. I don’t really mind. But, if you’ll be able to add bits to the rent that would be great. But no worries, I get that you are in hard spot right now, so for now you can stay for free” she cracked a smile toward human.
“Awww, that’s so sweet of you Giselle, I could hug you, or pet you right now. But I don’t know if you like it,” he said in a joking way.
“Call me Gis, Giselle sounds so official. And about petting… well,” she looked a bit nervous “You can I guess. But I don’t get why would you want to do such thing,”
Human didn’t waited long, he just gently stroked her feathers on head, and a bit on neck, which made Gis purr a little bit.
“Wow, you can purr? That’s adorable,” he laughed softly.
“H-hey! It’s not my fault, I sometimes purr if something is nice,” she now looked slightly embarrassed.
After a while Feliks stopped.
“You sure are fluffy. But, I guess I’ll have to stop that, the sooner I’ll go for a job hunting, the better.
“I wish I could help you, but I have something to do for today you know.
“Nah, that’s not a problem. I will walk around stores asking if they look for someone to help them or something.
“O right then. Oh, and before I forget. I’ll borrow you my charger so you can charge your phone. Also, ten bits for hour is the minimal wage, so don’t pick anything under it, oh right?
“I’ll keep that in mind, thank you,” he bowed his head in thanking gesture.
It wasn’t hard to find a job for someone as tall as Feliks, not only that, but standing on two legs also helped, job in a magazine wasn’t exactly the greatest, but they payed enough, the only problem was that they payed the same day, after he did job, not each month, or each two weeks, but he still could start right after. After ten hours, he got all one hundred bits. Maybe he was just lucky, or the job was only half legal, but he didn’t mind. He’ll find something better eventually.
Giselle said, she’ll be at home around 6pm, right now it was 8pm, so he could go there, but he decided to stop at the bar, just to check what kind of beer they have around here. As he entered, and gazed around she noticed few ponies, and one griffon, a familiar one. She was sitting at the bar, she also looked sad. Was she crying. He came closer and sat next to her. Called one beer and look at Gis.
“Why the long face? Wait, that doesn’t make sense… Anyway, what’s up?” he asked after he got his beer.
“I ain’t wanna talk ‘bout it,” she sounded drunk. She probably had more than one.
“As you wish. But if you start feel like talking you can,” he glanced over her and took a big sip. “What a flyin’ fuck is this? Is this even with alcohol? Barkeep, how strong this one is?”
“Five percent mister. You want something stronger?” Barkeeper was old stallion, with a majestic mustache. He looked like a typical barkeeper. After a nod from a Feliks, he wanted to take the old one but he noticed that Giselle raised her claw.
“I’ll drink that one” she said, raising her head a little bit. When she got it, she drank the whole thing pretty quickly.
As for Feliks, when he got his beer he took only few sips.
“If you keep drinking so fast you’ll be drunk in no time,” he said taking few more.
“Good. I wanna get wasted,” sounds like she is angry.
“If you wanna get wasted you could just tell. Or buy some vodka. Even if I doubt you can buy Polish, or russian around here,” he said.
“Yes… I could, but drinking vodka alone isn’t the best idea
“You know, I can show you the ancient way of my people of making yourself happy again.
“And what is that way?
“If you got around five bits, we can buy some… how do you say it… pluck. And and the cheapest canned beer in shop. Then listen to some metal. It usually worked for my people,” he allowed himself to laugh for a second. “So what ya think about it?
“I think it sounds good enough,” she said and put some more money on the counter.
Feliks quickly drank the whole beer he had left, same as Gis gave some bits to the barkeep and went toward the exit. He had to walk slowly, so his friend manage to keep up with him.
“So, where ya got all the bits eh?” she asked with a playful smile.
“I put a clown mask, found myself a gun and made a bank heist. I’m rich right now you know,” he joked.
“Oh, nice I bet they won’t find you if you had that clown mask on you,” they both laughed for a while.
“Well, actually, I just found some job at magazine. Got some bits, so that’s nice
“I’m glad your day wasn’t so bad. Mine was terrible to say the least. To say the most. It was fucking disaster dude…
“I still don’t know what happen
“I got a date, with a huge asshole. Not really much to talk about, beside that it sucked
“I know that feel. Got few terrible dates myself-”he reached to his pocket “-you smoke?” he asked taking two cigarettes out. Giselle took one.
“Sometimes. But I never smoked one from another world you know,” she chuckled.
Feliks let a sigh of relief,
“Good. She probably feels a bit better now,” he thought while lighting both cigarettes.
“There is shop around this corner. So you know, we can buy our ‘pluck’ there,” another chuckle. It’s either alkohol speaking, or she really feels better.
“So, how many should we buy. One bottle for each, and beer four-pack?” he asked.
“I guess this will be enough,”
They both gathered enough bits before entering the shop. But, since they wouldn’t sell alcohol to drunk ponies and griffons, Feliks was free to buy it. He wasn’t a pony, nor anything living in this world. He also wasn’t drunk. With bag full of beverages they exit the shop.
“So, now the ancient art of drinking of ‘Metal Gentleman’ are you ready?,” he asked, his response was a chuckle and a nod. Human took one bottle of fruit wine and opened it and took a big sip. “Now listen baby, if you want, take a sip right after I,” both of them laughed as Giselle took a bottle and made a big sip.
“Holy fuck, this is so fucking sweet but it leaves that sulfur taste… it’s terrible. And kinda awesome at the same time. How da fuck does that work?” she asked still chuckling a little bit.
“Maaagiiiiiccc,” he added a strange moves of fingers to his words. “C’man, let’s go home,”
Griffon nodded.
“Yep, that’s great idea,” she looked much less sad now.
Sadly, something stopped them. Earth pony stood at their way, around twenty meters from them. He just stood there, menacingly.
“Are you the Human called Feliks?”
“It depends for who” he answered calmly. He put his right hand into the pocket and looked at his Gis and put a bag with alcohol next to her. “You better run away... “ he whispered to her.
Griffon couldn’t just leave, but she could swear she saw felt menacing atmosphere around human and the pony.
“If you are not willing to answer. I’ll make you talk,” a tall, slender figure of a humanoid appeared behind pony. Yellow body, tentacles, face with only eyes and simple line as a mouth. Another stand.
“Oh, a stand master? This shall be interesting,” the gray humanoid appeared behind Feliks.
“Don’t be so cocky,” pony sounded angry.
TO BE CONTINUED...
Episode 1: A Dumbass with shit ton of bad luck
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Equestrian: Bizarre Adventures
Episode 1: A Dumbass with shit ton of bad luck
It was sure that griffon won’t let eye from a human. She was was scared, that is sure, but she wouldn’t let this creature walk away. She even looked more battle ready than earlier. Her beak was clenched, pupils sharp, eyes shined, wings ready to fly and talons ready to tear.
“What are you!” she sounded angry. Maybe even kinda scary.
Human just raised his brow, staring at her, since he didn’t get up, his eyes were at the same level as hers. Calm, tired eyes focused on eyes of a griffon. Few seconds passed, but he still was motionless.
“Calm your feathers yo. I’m a human. I have no wrong intentions, I am not even sure where am I-” he raised his arm in calming gesture “-My name is Feliks Słończyk. There is K and S at the end not X. As for my surname, well, it’s Polish, so I guess It can be problematic to say the least,”
“What a hay is a human? What do you mean by polish?! Speak up! Now!” She yelled, trying to stay as scary as she could.
“A bald, highly evolved monkey creature. Latin name is Homo Sapiens which means wise man, as all monkey-like we are mammals. As for polish, I mean the country, called Poland. I guess there is no such place here then. Would you be so kind and tell me where are we? I’m fookin lost like ya know, I don’t even know what country is this,” calm voice was quite the opposite to aggressive voice of a Griffon.
Combination of calm voice and specific explanation caught her off guard, but she shaked it of rather quickly.
“You’re in Equestria. As you probably noticed already in the fore…” she stopped as human jumped up looking with mixture of fear and surprise.
He didn’t allow her to end her sentence.
“Fookin Equestria?!”-He raised his voice which kinda made griffon a bit scared-”Jasny kurwa chuj,” these words just shocked her, as she didn’t know their meaning. “You mean enchanted land of ponies full of rainbows and magic?!” she nods, which just made Feliks explode into laughter. His jeans pants got green from all this sitting on wet grass. But he didn’t mind. He pranced a bit around the place, like a happy filly. “This is bloody fookin amazing! I had terrible job, lived in a shithole! And now I’m here?! This is crazy! And kinda scary to… I’m a fucking human in pony land,” he facepalmed. “There is nothing to be happy about… I’m even in bigger shit than before,” a sigh left his mouth as he looked at Griffon once again. “So… do you have a name?” he asked as his tired expression came back on his face, now with addition of sadness.
The whole act made by human shocked her, but the question about name kinda made her shake off her shock.
“Giselle. With G, not J,” she said, with less anger than earlier.
“Nice to meet you I guess,” a yawn followed by fixing his hair and checking if his bag is still in place. “Do you… know where is the closest city, or town, or even village from here? Anything really
“Ye, there is one. I came from there for a walk you know heh” she quickly became much more calm, but also much more uncertain “It’s called Baltimare. I guess you could go there,” she scratched her feathers as she didn’t knew what to do next. “You probably don’t know how to get there, don’t ya?
“Yep, I have no idea. But if you give me general direction I think I will manage,” as he said this, he fixed his shirt with flower patterns. He looked at Giselle as she showed him the way with her claw.” Thanks, maybe we gonna meet once again, so see you around” he smiled to her and went in showed direction. But for his surprise he was quickly followed.
“You know what, I guess I should go back to. I had my walk anyway so you know. You won’t mind?” human didn’t answered that, just waved his hand in gesture meaning he is fine with it. “Good. Cause I like this way,” once again, she tried to sound tough. “Soo. I know what you are, and I know your name, but who are you? I mean, you as a you, and how you got there?” she asked after a while of silence.
“Just a dumbass with shit ton of bad luck. Which got punched into a oblivion by some bastard, that’s how I ended there
“Ye, punched into oblivion. Real funny guy aren’t ya? Ha ha” human looked at Griffon and as their eyes met she understood he didn’t lie. “Wait, you are serious?! How?! What?
“Stand master. His stand punched me
“Stand master? Da fuck is that? Someone like unicorn?
“Not exactly. I am stand master myself. It’s a human with power to use a Stand. It’s kinda like a spirit of it’s user. His send me here
“Show me this… stand of yours,” she didn’t sounded confident about this, but there was a dose of curiosity in her voice.
“Sorry, but most mortals don’t see Stands, you either have to use Hamon, or be Stand Master yourself. Or maybe a vampire. That would work too,” as he spoke, Giselle stopped, she didn’t listen to him, she looked around.
“There is something… not right…” her prediction confirmed. As soon as she said that, two Timberwolfs jumped from the nearby bushes. “Watch out!” she could fly, but human didn’t, he was easy target, or she thought so.
A big Grey humanoid appeared in front of Feliks as human striked a pose. With right hand resting on his hip, and left in front of his face.
“Good grief. Wooden wolves. I could burn you with my lighter,” he pointed both wolfs with his right hand and in the moment when wolves attack, both got struck by powerful feasts of his stand. With battlecry of ‘Hrya, hrya, hrya’ repeated many times as each punch hit it’s target, Timberwolfs became nothing more than pile of sticks. But that didn’t stop the punches. Finally most of sticks were in pieces. Human inhaled air.
“Muda muda,” he said with cocky smile.
“What a hay is this?!” she pointed at Grey creature that just totally destroyed timberwolfes. Her eyes were wide open, and her beak opened.
“Wait, you see it? This is my stand Night Lover. I named him after Polish metal band, Nocny Kochanek. It’s means Night Lover basicly. But how you can see it? Are you a hamon user?
“Nope?
“A stand user?
“No!
“Then how?
“I don’t know. I just see him. He looks scary tho. Are you sure he is tamed?” as she asked she looked at human.
But human only laughed.
“He is part of me. Kind of. It’s psychical manifestation of my fighting spirit. Looks badass isn’t it?” he looked proud with a grin on his face
“I can’t argue with that. It’s looks badass as hell,” she returned a smile. “But… we should go now. There can be more of them…” she said and started to walk again, human quickly followed.
TO BE CONTINUED...