A Royal Conquest

You walked into the bar. Before Celestia had a chance to follow the guards surrounding you rushed in with all the subtlety of a train wreck, turning the place upside down.

"Hey, what is this shit?" an accented voice protested loudly. You recognized it. The guards ignored it.

"Bottle, you motherfucker, you fucking did it, you madman. Even named it after the village!" you answered, just as loudly. The barman came from the back room.

"Yeah, like the place?" he gloated back at you. He was an old friend from the village you were born in. The only unicorn there, besides his father, the brewer. When you still lived there, he'd go on and on about how one day he'd start his own bar in Canterlot. How he'd take his father's fruit brandy there and show the stuck up unicorns there what they were missing.

Well, they were a few problems with that plan. First of all, basic biology. Said brandy classified as a weapon of mass destruction. There was liquor, and there was the liquor with over 70% alcohol from your region that made that liquor look like a sports drink for little fillies. It was one thing to sell that to earth ponies outside your region, it was another to try and sell it to the delicate and soft unicorns of Canterlot. Second,...

"What have you been up to, asshole?"

..., there was the fact that ponies from your region used profanities like commas and dots. It really said a lot when life in Manehattan had a civilizing influence on you. In a city as stuck up as Canterlot, poor Bottle didn't have a chance. You had heard his father tell him that multiple times, but nobody ever listened to Martini. Considering the bar was empty he might have had a point. Considering a Princess was about to enter it, Bottle's luck would likely turn.

"Started a chemical plant and I'm running it. Nothing to brag about." you joked.

"He has also recently become a royal adviser." Celestia chimed in.

She had silently observer your whole exchange. You had to hand it to her for going unnoticed. Bottle's face turned bright red. He immediately prostrated himself deeper than anypony you'd ever seen.

"I'm... so sorry.... you had to see that,... Princess." he stammered out.

"That's quite alright. I love learning about my subjects' conduct, no matter how peculiar it might be." she assured him.

"Get up, Bottle, and go get the best of your father's work. Make sure it's good enough for a Princess." you commanded.

You'd never seen a barman run as quick to get an order in your life. You and Celestia barely had a chance to sit down before a shot of fruit brandy was placed before both of you. Celestia looked at it with suspicion then looked at you. You smirked as a devious plan popped inside your head. You drank it in one go. Your eyes watered a bit, your throat burned, but you could still taste the pears and cherry plums the drink was made out of. Just as you predicted, Celestia followed your example. She then started to dry heave and cough like she was about to die. Seeing Bottle quiver because of the whole farce kind of took some of the fun away though.

"You alright there, Princess?"

"Yes." she managed to get out, with tears in her eyes.

"Good. Bottle, give us both another one...." you spotted the guard that shoved a spear in your face and called you a worm next to you "... and bring an unopened bottle of that stuff here."

Bottle served you both again and brought the bottle you requested. He had calmed down a bit. The bottle had a hoof painted label with place of birth's name on it.

"Chainmail Lancer," you handed the bottle to the guard "let's put our differences aside. I trust you're responsible enough to only drink this of duty?"

"Yes, Sir... Thank you." he responded and pocketed the bottle.

You instinctively had this feeling that you had to keep the guards on your good side or bad things would happen and when someone hates you, just bribe them with booze. How's that for a friendship lesson, Princess Twilight?

You drank your shot in one go again. Celestia hesitated for a bit but did the same. This time, the coughing fit was a bit milder. In the meantime you considered whether or not giving alcohol to a godlike being was a smart idea. Surely an alicorn that was a head taller than you could drink you under the table?

"Another one."

Bottle obliged. This time Celestia didn't hesitate. You drank almost in sync.

"So, what happened to that Goldbanner?" you blurted out.

Dumbass. Your professional life had clearly gotten your liver out of practice for you to do something as stupid as ask the pony you wanted to fuck about what you knew well was a former partner.

"He died of old age in the hooves of his lover, surrounded by his wife and kids, content about all he had accomplished."

"And how did he arrange that?"

"He told his wife that his lover was trying to heal him with her alicorn magic."

"He was a bit of a selfish asshole, huh?"

"Kind of like a stallion who'd trick a mare into drinking throat burning liquor in one go for his amusement." she riposted.

"Clever girl." you grinned back.

"I'm not as sheltered as my subjects think. I think you and Goldbanner would have gotten along quite well if you lived during the same time."

"I doubt that."

"What because you two would want the same pony? You don't strike me as somepony who'd want government office, after all."

"You hit the nail on the head, Princess." you retorted.

Celestia clearly wasn't a pushover. Surprisingly, it wasn't because of her position or because of her magical power, but because of her personality. She was smart enough to see through your bullshit and brave enough to call you out. You liked the challenge.

"Why should ponies that compete for something or someone be enemies afterwards?"

"Instinct, I suppose."

"It's instinct for ponies to be afraid of ponies with power for example, and you seem to have tamed this instinct quite well."

She was making you put your cards on the table. You weren't planning on folding though.

"And why should I fear ponies with power?"

She was stumped for a moment.

"Because ponies with power could have ponies without power put to death." Celestia snapped.

She clearly didn't like her power being dismissed.

"All non-alicorn ponies die, Princess. But not all of them live." you replied boldly.

"I could have you tortured." she said grimly.

"All ponies suffer. I could have cancerous tumors growing in me as we speak. Why should I fear you giving me more of what fate gives everpony in plenty already?"

Celestia had no answer to this question.

"But let's be fair, Princess. You could never torture or kill me for being a bit of a jackass and look your subjects or yourself in the eyes afterwards. Am I wrong?"

"I'm sorry I even threatened you. I didn't know what came over me."

"Not a problem. But I should punish you for that. We can't have you make a habit of this behavior."

"So, you think you're in a position to discipline Princesses now?" she laughed.

"Yes, my rise to power has been meteoric. If it continues I should be moving the sun in your place by this time next Sunday."

"I doubt that. But I have been a bad filly. Perhaps tonight, someone should teach me a lesson."

"Why tonight? You think is any worse for things that that than Luna's night? Let's go back to the palace right now."

You left a generous amount of bits on the counter and jumped off your chair before Celestia could answer. She followed.