Chapters Farmers and Fashionistas: The Fuck-Off
"Now, Darling, of course it's necessary!" Rarity said, her magic taking hold of several strips of measuring tape, a notebook and pencil in hand. "If you are to take a mare out, you must look your absolute best! Who is the lucky mare, may I ask?" she went on, stepping around the human that stood upon a pedestal, the subject of her measurement and glee alike. He stood, a good 5'7, with arms outstretched to give him a sort of "T" shape. Not necessarily tall by human standards, but compared to the anthropomorphic ponies of this world who stood at an average of 4 feet, he was rather intimidating.
"Well...if you must know, Roseluck asked me out. I usually stop by her stall each day I go to the market to chat with her a bit. She was the pony who found me when I first arrived, remember? I'd woken up in her fields and her first thought was to see if I was okay. Never mind the fact I'm an entirely different species than you ponies! She's one of the sweetest mares I know, so I was glad to accept her proposal," he answered, a smile coming to his face at the thought, cheeks pressed firmly upwards towards his sea green eyes. From his angle, he couldn't see the pencil in Rarity's hand snapping in two. "We're going to 'La Fantaisie' and I'm hoping to make a good impression on her. I figure you've got some tips for something like this...care to share, oh great element of generosity?" he teased, sneaking a look back towards her which she quickly corrected with her magic.
"I told you not to move, Anon. One more slip like that and I shan't give you a single idea on how to proceed tonight!" the fashionista responded, clicking her tongue as she looked over the measurements before her. "Why don't you head on home and make preparations for the night ahead while I get to work on your outfit tonight, hm? And would you prefer blue or black for your suit?" she asked, writing little notes on her design as she waited for an answer, moving to sit at her sewing table with the tape measures coming around to hang on hooks near said table. The book came down, and fabrics began to move about the room to lay beside her, scissors at the ready.
“Blue would be great! Thanks again, Rarity,” Anon said, heading toward the door. He gave her one last lingering smile, and headed out, giving a glance down as he passed another familiar pony.
"Here ya go, Rares. The first barrel of cider this season. Yer my friend an' all so Ah'll let ya have it on the house. Why'd ya need it so fast, though? Got a party goin' on or somethin' ya ain't tellin' me about?" came the country twang voice of Applejack, her hands busy setting the barrel aside so it was out of Rarity's way while she worked.
Rarity looked like she was about to be sick. "Oh, Darling, it's awful! It's about Anon. He has a date tonight, Applejack...a date! Can you believe it? After all the hints I've dropped, all the flirting, the teasing...and he goes for Roseluck of all ponies! How ungrateful can a human be, how unperceptive to my advances! It is positively humiliating, Applejack. Am I losing my touch? Is that it? Must I go find a stallion today just to see if I still have what it takes? Am I not pretty enough? What if-"
Applejack cut her off with a hand to the mouth, a stern glare set in her eyes and her mouth twisted to the side in a half-pout. "Rarity, ya know none of that is true. Not every stallion hasta be interested in ya. That said, Ah'm a lil disappointed, mahself. Ya know Ah've had mah eye on him ever since Ah saw how he could pick an apple without havin' to strain himself or use a ladder. And bah Celestia's beard, ya seen his arms? I'm sure he could drag a tree down with the muscles one a single one alone!" AJ said, her hand leaving Rarity's mouth to hang loosely at her side while she daydreamed. "Ah can just imagine those strong arms, carryin' me through the threshold, him in a tux, me in a white dress...Ah'm not the romantic type, really, but every mare wants ta have a romantic weddin', right?" Rarity was positively fuming at this point, a pout of her own adorning her lips with her eyebrows pointed firmly towards her nose, hands clenched.
"Of course, Darling. Every mare does. But if any mare would get his attentions, it would be me, don’t you agree? I mean, look at me!" she said after a moment to calm herself, taking several deep breaths and loosening her stance. "To think he'd go for someone as...country...as you! I am refinement incarnate! Generosity and love in the bountiful package of my wonderful, voluptuous body! And you? You're all muscle. Flat where you shouldn't be...though I must admit, you have a rear that may come close to rivaling my own were you to stop working and bake more often."
Now it was AJ's turn to be angry, a finger coming to jab itself into Rarity's chest near her collarbone. "Now you listen here, little miss 'Ah'm so perfect and Anon won't want a country girl'! He don't care fer yer looks like ya think ya do. He's not datin' you, now, is he? He's with Roseluck now it seems. 'Sides, Roseluck can't cook like Ah can. Everypony knows the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. And your cookin' is hardly better than Sweetie Belle's. He don't want no mare who can't cook for him, who's too worried about gettin' her mane messy to clean for him. Ah'd be the perfect wife, makin' sure he was taken care of an' loved like a stallion's supposed ta be."
"You think you're a better match for him than I am? I'd like to see you try to bag him! If I can't be successful, what makes you so sure you will?" Rarity answered, smacking AJ's finger away and setting her own on Applejack's. "What do you say we have a little wager, darling? I bet I can get Anon to take me out before you can. No coercion, no asking him first, just plain and simple flirting. You think you can contest me in a battle of romantic intent? Prove yourself to be my better!" Rarity challenged, a smug grin coming to reside on her muzzle, arms moving to cross over her chest.
Now AJ was practically fuming. She couldn't resist a challenge, and Rarity knew it and was using it to strike a nerve. She threw her hands in the air in defeat and turned to leave. "Fine! Ah give ya a week to have him drop Roseluck an' take ya out. If ya do it, then Ah wont' say a word about you marryin' him. But if Ah win, ya can't complain that things didn't go well. Ah'll see ya in a week, Rares!" And with that, she was out the door, slamming it behind her and grumbling all the way home. Rarity, meanwhile, merely smirked to herself and went back to her work. The suit was nearly finished at this point, and her favorite human would be by any time to pick it up. Now was her time to consider a scheme.
Author's Note
I've never written anything before, and I'm writing this now for a good friend of mine. If there's anything wrong with it, constructive criticism is appreciated!
Farmers and Fashionistas: The Fuck-Off
Looking a Generous Horse in the Mouth
"I still can't believe that happened...and I still want to know how they knew I was on a date tonight. Things were going well! Roseluck seemed to be enjoying herself, she was having fun. But that note, that...that letter the waiter brought me. Roseluck wasn't too happy to see that. I mean, I'm not seeing anyone! You of all ponies know that, Rarity. But that letter said I shouldn't be on that date if I was already committed to somepony," Anonymous said, sharing a bit of ice cream with his marshmallow colored friend. His jacket lay slung over the arm of the couch, tie undone and joining it, shoes at the door. Rarity, meanwhile, was in naught but her bathrobe, a towel holding her mane beneath its folds. She took a bite of ice cream and nodded along to Anon's telling of the night's events, though she knew very well what had happened. "I just...I don't know why somepony would do that to me. That's seriously messed up." Her face faltered just a bit at that, but she put on her most genuine of fake smiles and reached a hand out to touch upon his.
"Well, Anon, sometimes weird or bad things happen to good ponies for good reason. I, personally, don't think Roseluck was that into you. I know you felt a sense of connection, since she was your savior of sorts, but I feel she was more into your body than you as a...person, I suppose. You know, since you're not a pony and all. In fact, just the other day I had heard her talking with her sisters about this very thing! How she was so excited to be with an alien and how she'd tell them all about what you were like in the bedroom," Rarity went on to reply, giving his hand a soft little squeeze before pulling away. Pace yourself, dear. He isn't yours yet. She took another bite of her ice cream and let out a quiet yawn, stretching all the while. "I apologize for being such a terrible hostess, but really, I am getting quite tired."
Anon perked up a bit at that, taking a larger scoop of ice cream and wolfing it down, as it seemed to be his last for the night. "Well, thanks for everything you've done for me today, Rares. The suit is nice- and I'd still be more than happy to pay for it! And the company is nice, too." He paused, giving a soft sigh. It gets kind of lonely, being the only human around and having exactly one pony show any romantic interest in you. I just don't want to be alone much longer...ya know?" The human gave another sigh and set the lid back onto the ice cream, shaking his head a bit. "I dunno. I'm a bit depressed over this evening and not really thinking clearly. Like I said, thank you, Rarity. I'll see you another time, hm?" With that, he stood to put the ice cream away, but a furred grip had caught his wrist. He turned to look down at her.
Rarity thought for a moment, clearing her throat before she spoke. "Anon? Anon, Darling...please, just...wait a moment. You know...there isn't just one pony with interest in you. I can think of someone very near and dear to you that you wouldn't consider," she said, helping him to sit back down. She scooted over, her hip nearly touching his. "Really, I think you haven't considered all of your options. A failed date with one pony isn't the end of the world, and shouldn't be the end of your love life. I know how loneliness is, Anon. I may have quite a few friends, but I am single, myself," she admitted, eyes turned away from him and hands holding her own ice cream.
For all things Anon wasn't, "stupid" was not on the list. He caught on pretty quickly. "I see..." he began, trailing off, considering what this all meant for him. Something dawned on him, however, his brow raising as the realization hit him like a ton of diamond-studded bricks. "Rarity...did you- mmnf!" He was cut off by a set of lips, a light gray in contrast to her white coat. Her palm came to sit upon his face, the hard, hoof-ed fingertips an odd sensation on his cheek. Rarity's eyes were closed, but before she could attempt to deepen the kiss, the man denied her and stood suddenly.
"Darling? Is everything alright? Was I not fast enough for you?" she said, a sultry grin coming to join her now half-lidded bedroom eyes. "Be a dear and tell me what it is you want, hm?"
Anon was fuming. The touching, the state of near undress, how often she brushed against him when they sat. The note. It all came together. He knew that handwriting looked familiar! "I can't believe you, Rarity! You wrote that note, didn't you? You set this whole thing up! I knew there was a reason you didn't want to discuss the date, give me tips on what to do. You wanted me for yourself, didn't you? Didn't you?! Don't give me that look!" he began to ramble, looking down upon her with her heartbroken and terrified gaze looking back up at him. "Element of generosity, my ass. I can't believe you, Rarity."
She was sniffling now, a hand coming to wipe the growing tears from her face. Her eyes turned back to the floor, a slow nod coming from her head. "Yes, Anon...y-yes, I did it. I set the whole note thing up. But...but I did it for you! Roseluck is no good. She...she isn't the mare I am! She's not an element of harmony! She's a florist, not a clothes designer! She can't take care of you like I can! I promise, Anon, I was only doing what was best for you...for us! Can't you see I only had the best intentions?" she said, dropping from the couch and kneeling by him, her arms coming to wrap around his leg in a tight hug. The tears flowed freely now, but if his softened gaze was anything to go by, she knew she was finally getting her way. Just hold on, Rarity. You can do this. "P-please, Anon...can't you ever forgive me?" she asked him, peeking up and hoping beyond hope he'd answer in the affirmative.
Anon stared down at her, hard, considering his answer, watching her weep against his now wet knee. "...ugh. Fine," he started after a long pause, reaching for her shoulder to drag her off his leg. "I can't hate you. That's not part of my nature. But it's still going to take me a long while to get over what you've done, and I don't think Roseluck will be too happy with what happened. I don't even know if she'll let me talk to her now. You've ruined two good friendships tonight, Rarity, and I hope you know that both are going to take a long, long time to repair. I'm going home. I hope you're happy with what you've done tonight. Goodnight, Rarity." With that, he made sure she was completely detached before turning for the front door. Rarity watched after him, sitting on her floor, moving for the ice cream. She felt she might need a little bit more yet.
Farmers and Fashionistas: The Fuck-Off
"Ah can't believe that mare! Ya think with her bein' element of generosity an' all that she'd think of others before hersel...especially with romance like this! That's her thing, innit? She's always goin' on about bein' a lady and romancin' colts an' all. Ah don't know why she'd think it'd be okay to go do somethin' like this!" Applejack ranted over a mug of cider, sitting on a bale of hay besides Anonymous and his own mug. The barrel sat beside them, tapped and ready to refill the wooden cups held together in the same way the barrel was.
"Yeah...you say you can't believe it, but really, it seems just like something she'd do when she wants something badly enough. I'm flattered, really, I am! It's nice to know there's a couple of wonderful mares who share an interest in me, but...really? At least have the decency to let me have a choice in the matter. 'Rude' doesn't even begin to describe how messed up it was for her to go and ruin things like that for me and Rose," Anon answered, taking a long draw of his cider, emptying it entirely and gaining a side-eyed look from AJ.
She took the cup, refilling it before handing it back to him. "Careful now, partner. Drinkin' might help ya out fer now, but it won't do much ta help in the long run and this is some strong stuff. Yer gonna feel it in the mornin', an' Ah don't wanna be held responsible. 'Sides, ya got no way home tonight if ya get too loaded, an' I don't think Mac would appreciate me havin' ya over when he's outta town with Granny, an Applebloom is with her friends." The moment she said that, realization struck her like a bolt of lightning, her epiphany coming to her suddenly and without warning. "Actually, ya know what? Unless they ask, which Ah have no reason to believe they will, they won't know you were ever here. Still don't think Ah wantcha drunk off yer ass, cause in the mornin' Ah'm gonna have ya help me out on the farm to pay for whatchyer drinkin' there. Think ya can handle a bit of apple pickin' for me, Sugarcube?" she asked him, taking a swig of her own drink, feeling her heart beat a tad faster as she looked him over. Now was her chance. Rarity had her turn, it seemed, and the apple-based mare was gonna take a crack at cracking Anon's lonely shell.
Anon, for his part, had no idea what was going on. He just took another long swig of his drink, but left most of it in the mug now, pacing himself while she spoke. If he had work in the morning, then he wasn't get sauced like he planned. He waved his hand in her direction, dismissing her concerns for the moment. "AJ, I'll be fine. I know my limits with your cider, and I know how drunk I can get before I can't get myself to work in the morning," he said with yet another drink. This time, he reached across her lap to the barrel, helping himself.
AJ, meanwhile, just looked at him sideways. Mmhmm. Sure ya do, sugarcube. She brought an orange hand up to pat him gently on the back, and on the way back up, she slung it around his shoulder and leaned into him. "Say, Anon...Ah know yer a lil tipsy, an' so am Ah...an' Ah know ya aren't particularly happy with the situation goin' on right now...but what if Ah told ya there's another mare that'd like yer attention? Somepony...ya know, real close to ya? Someone who wants ta get...closer..." she said, stepping carefully through her words as though the wrong one would set him off in an instant. She'd seen him rant about what had gone down. However, she figured that, if things got worse, she could at least blame it on the cider. She decided to push her luck a bit further, leaning her muzzle towards his face.
"AJ?" he started, looking at her, a tad cross-eyed due to her proximity.
"Yeah, Anon?"
"I'm going home. You and Rarity are both nuts. You both think you can get what you want just cause I'm not seeing Roseluck. Truth is, if both of you are going to act this way, I'm not sure I can be around you two. Also I'm kinda drunk and that isn't helping right now. I'm gonna go home, sleep it off, and tomorrow, I wanna talk to you and Rarity about what's been going on. Seem fair?"
Applejack pulled back, a heavy and ashamed blush crossing her orange cheeks. She gave a nod, set her mug on top of the barrel, and stood. "Yeah...yeah, okay Anon. Ah'll be seein' ya tomorrow after mah work is done and Ah can gather Rarity. Wanna meet at yer place? Would be easier fer me to head into town, grab her, and head over instead of comin' back here and havin' you come by, too."
Anon nodded in return, stretching a bit and finishing off what was left of his drink. There was a bit of as tumble in his step, a side effect of drinking, but he managed to make it to the barn door with a wave and a quick goodbye. Applejack looked on in shame, knowing that she'd betrayed her friend's trust by trying to get at him while the both of them had been drinking. With a heavy sigh, she stood to move the barrel back to where it belonged, grabbing the mugs after, and heading inside.
Anon, meanwhile, picked his way home rather carefully. The cider addled his mind, making it fuzzy, his thoughts not entirely clear as he sauntered on down the path. It was getting late, and the sun was setting, but he figured he had enough time to make it home before dark.
Anon's walk home was rather uneventful. A few ponies bid him a good evening, but not much beyond that in terms of close interaction. It was when he got to his doorstep that he noticed things might be getting better. Taped to his door was a rose and a note, the latter being cream colored and adorned with a certain flower-based cutie mark he assumed was from one of the few ponies who would know what that would look like. Ya know...maybe it won't be so hard making it up to her. Taking the note and the rose, he managed to get inside his house, the lights coming on and the door locking by his own doing, all while he had his nose buried in the note.
Anon, it began, the print as flowery as the mark on the page's front fold. I have come to understand that our dinner was not ruined by you being a total ass. It seems a dear friend of yours thought it would be a great joke and did not consider the consequences of said joke. I'd like to meet with you and try again. Say, next Friday? I'll meet you at the marketplace at seven. Dress nicely. Love, Roseluck.
Well. then. Guess Rarity can think about other people after all, even if she was still a liar. Anon, a tad soused still though less so from the brisk walk in the cool evening air, stumbled to his room with rose and note in hand. He collapsed firmly into his bed, passing out in moments.
Farmers and Fashionistas: The Fuck-Off
Rarity stepped side-by-side with Applejack, the pair making their way down the road towards Anon's house. Rarity, as always, was fussing and worrying. "Really, Applejack, I don't think this was a very good idea. He's angry with us, of course, but what about when we tell him what happened? I know honesty is your thing and all, but I don't think it's the best idea," she said, wringing her hands and staring straight ahead. "Oh, no no no, this just cannot do. Applejack, please, you absolutely must find a way to get out of this!"
Applejack was swift to answer, sending an arm around Rarity's shoulder and bringing her in close. "Rarity, no...no, you can't think like that. No matter how angry he may be at us fer all this, he's still our friend. We can't change that as easy as you think, Rares, no matter how badly we mess up. We'll be fine," she said, giving her arm a little squeeze. "Look. We're already here. We can't turn back now, can we?" she went on to add, leading Rarity up the walkway to Anon's door, even though Rarity definitely resisted a bit. An orange hand came up to knock, but Anon had beat them to it, the door swinging open with him behind it.
"Hey, girls. Been waiting for you two. Come on in, hm? You two need anything to eat, drink?" The pair shook their hands, stepping in and taking a moment to glance around. Rarity had visited before, so she knew the way, but Applejack was a bit lost. Here, Anon took the lead, a hand coming up to show the way, stepping towards the living room. Once inside, he sat on his recliner, leaving the larger sofa open to the pair of mares before him to sit down, Applejack removing her hat and setting it on the coffee table before she made her way onto the farthest cushion.
"So...Ah know ya want an explanation fer what was goin' on, and ya know...element of honesty an' all. Ah might as well tell ya, since Rarity here didn't seem too keen on the idea," Applejack piped up. She steadied herself for a moment before looking Anon over. "It...it really was just a stupid bet. Ah don't even really know how we even got this far. Neither of us were into the idea of you bein' with Roseluck, an' we were too selfish to consider what you or her would say if'n ya knew this. We decided our best bet was to see who could get to ya first. I didn't think Rarity would fight dirty like she did, but...she did. And it was all too easy to get ya to mah place and a bit tipsy so Ah could have a go at ya." Applejack stopped, once more steadying herself with a slow breath, having found herself rambling without too much of a point. "Point is," she started, hoping to clarify what she'd said. "We got in the way of your new relationship an' hoped you'd pick one of us instead, and we didn't think about how it'd affect anypony but ourselves. We're real sorry, Anon, and Ah know that Rarity did her best to clear things up with Rose about the whole thing. Is there any way you could forgive us for this?" Applejack, with Rarity following soon after, looked up at the human she so desperately sought the affection of.
Anon, meanwhile, sat and listened, considering her words, their side of the story. While it was true that what they did sucked and they really shouldn't have, he couldn't help but feel flattered they'd go to such lengths to be with him. It was kind of heartwarming to have somepony interested in...and not just one, but three ponies in the last few days had shown him some level of romantic interest! "Ya know...if you girls just wanted something like this, why didn't you just say so?"
Rarity barged in, a hand coming up to lay on her chest. "A lady does not just 'say so'. There's a certain finesse, a...a game to play before one can show she is romantically inclined to somepony. Though...I suppose that the game we played was not the right kind, now, was it?" she said with a bit of a grimace, shaking her head at herself. "Again, Anon, we're really sorry about the whole ordeal. And like Applejack mentioned, I've done what I can to repair your relationship with Roseluck. If you feel your best choice is to see her, then we understand, and we won't get in the way. Just...call us if things don't work out, hm? We'd love to have a chance of our own without meddling in your affairs." Applejack couldn't help but grin at hearing Rarity talk. Oh, Rares. Ya just can't let that go, can ya?
Once more, Anon sat and listened, taking in what she had said. He stood from his seat, slowly, hands on his knees as he went up to support himself. "You know, girls...I'm definitely not seeing Roseluck again for a bit. I...I think I can think of some way I can forgive you two for what happened. I wouldn't mind spending some time with you two, really. Just...under my terms. What do you two think?"
Applejack and Rarity shared a look, standing as well. "Can we discuss it amongst ourselves, Darling? I'm sure we would need to work out what our plans would be," she said, already moving Applejack towards what she thought might be the kitchen. A little cheer rang out in her head when she was right, and she shut the door behind her. The two deliberated for a few minutes, leaving Anon to himself to form a bit more of a plan than what he already had in mind.
Alright, Anon. Watcha gonna do here? he thought, sitting back in his chair to consider his next steps carefully. You've got two mares, both vying for your affection. You can't date them both, and then date Roseluck as well. Though...you aren't dating Rose just yet, now, are you? Maybe taking them out one at a time would be fine... But then that wouldn't leave anyone really happy, most likely.
A sudden spark of inspiration hit him. This was already a tangled mess of a love life he'd developed--normally, such thoughts would be far from his mind. But in circumstances like these... They did say they'd consider your terms, didn't they? They didn't seem to question that. You could have them do anything, really, and they wouldn't complain, would they? His face grew into a large grin at the implications of having two mares under his thumb for a while. Oh. Oh yes, this will do nicely. Let's just hope they're with me on this one.
After a good six or seven minutes- conversing for them, and waiting, for him- they removed themselves from the kitchen. They’d come to an agreement between themselves--whatever Anon thought would be best to help them all move forward, they’d do it. It was with a nervous set of glances between each other that Applejack spoke up. "Anon? We think we can agree to whatever ya got in mind for us."
Anon smiled wider upon hearing that. "Splendid! Now, if you two will just follow me and save your questions for later, I'm sure we can find a solution for your affection problems," he answered Rarity. The mares shared another glance, now growing more apprehensive about what all he could have in mind. Applejack, really, had no idea what was in store for them, but Rarity knew whole-heartedly what was about to happen. Her suspicions were confirmed when Anon opened the door to his bedroom.
