bzzzzzt CRACK

Back to reality. Oh for fuck's sake let's not teleport again. Ever. I try my best to not empty my stomach all over the place, but it's just not working out. I look at the cause of my torment, and at that point, projectile vomit all over her. Her eyes constrict, her left one twitching, and she visibly recoils back, one foreleg held up. I may not have intended for her to get hosed down in such a manner, but well, karma's a bitch sometimes.

"Sorry about that." I'm expecting to be kicked, or lit on fire, or something, but she vanishes again, leaving me alone.

"Who are you?"

I look down, and there's this little purple dude, with green spikes looking up at me. He kinda looks like the lizards they sell at the pet store, only this one's about the size of a toddler. Do all the animals here talk?

"Uh, I'm John. Twilight Sparkle brought me here. She went out for a second after I puked on her. I think she's trying to rinse off. You don't seem too surprised to see me."

"Well, with all the company that Twilight brings in, I see lots of interesting things. Wait till you see the griffons, or a Minotaur. I'm Spike by the way. Twilight adopted me when I was a hatchling."

I'm starting to like this little guy. He pulls out what looks like a ruby, and starts chewing it like it's a hard candy.

"Sorry if this sounds rude, but what are you? I've never seen anything that can eat rocks like they're nothing more than candy. You look like the biggest lizard I've ever seen."

"I'm actually a baby dragon, gemstones is the biggest part of my diet, aside from meat on occasion."

"So some of you do eat meat. I was starting to think I'd have to go vegetarian. Who else eats meat here?"

"Griffons, Minotaurs, even pegasi, unicorns and alicorns eat meat, though they prefer to stick with fish. It helps with their magic. The only true vegetarians are earth ponies."

With a flash and crackle, Twilight reappears, looking irritated, but clean.

"Next time you decide you need to vomit, please aim it in a safe direction. I'll return the favor by doing the same with my horn. Now, if you'll follow me, I will show you to your chambers. I know you don't have anything, but we did manage to save that metal box you came in, along with everything that was in it. Maybe we could start our work there, and you can show me some of the things you brought with you."

This brightens my mood considerably. I've got a case of beer and a carton of smokes screaming my name. Priorities.

"Is there any way we could go there real quick once I'm settled in? I have a few things I'd like to pick up tonight."

She nods before stopping in front of an elegant crystal door, already flanked by a single guard. He stands up straight, greeting the princess before opening the door for her.

"This is your chambers. There will be a guard present at all times for the time being. You are free to roam the castle as you see fit, but will be under escort at all times. The only areas you are forbidden to be in are my personal chambers and the restricted areas of the library unless given my explicit permission. These restrictions can be lifted as long as you don't misbehave. For now, please aquaint yourself with your chambers, and then head to the dining hall for lunch. We will tend to your personal effects after."
With that, she disappears in a flash of purple light, leaving me with the guard and Spike.

"What the did you do to end up under house arrest?" He asks.

"Well, after my arrival, I woke up in the hospital, and kinda freaked out at all the talking horses. So I fought back, assaulted the doctor and a couple orderlies, and ended up getting captured by Princess Celestia. I then spent a week in the slammer before coming here, under the condition that I remain well behaved."

"What's a slammer?"

"Jail."

"You're not going to hurt me are you?"

I look down, and see Spike curled in on himself, ready to bolt should I attack.

"Look kid, I might be a bit ragged around the edges, and not afraid of a fight, but I'm not really the type to go looking for trouble. I don't like the idea of making people afraid of me."

"Ok. Why'd you call me kid though? My name's Spike."

"Mostly because you're a baby dragon. When we talk to people that are fairly young, we sometimes call them kid. It means young person. I don't have anything to do in here, so maybe we should go grab lunch. I'm starving."

Lunch was a simple meal, some sort of vegetable soup, with some fish served on the side. Twilight was obviously surprised that I didn't mind meat being served, and immediately started asking questions.

"So, you eat meat too. I had a feeling that you did when I noticed you had canines, but I couldn't be sure."

"Yea, meat is a large part of human diet. We don't just eat fish though, we will eat just about anything. Where I'm from it's usually pork, beef or chicken. Spike told me you only eat fish, and just to help with your magic."

She looks slightly horrified that I'll eat other animals, I'm wondering if other barn animals around here talk too. That would be wierd as fuck. I'm suddenly flooded with the mental image of cows protesting burgers, and I can't help but chuckle.

After our meal, Twilight takes me to the outside of the castle, where I find a familiar looking rust bucket, with a significantly more compact front end.

"Wow, I really nailed the fuck outta that tree."

"What is this thing?"

"It's a truck, we use these and other similar vehicles to get around. We don't really go everywhere on foot or teleport like you can." I try pulling the door open, but it's jammed shut, so I reach into the toolbox in the bed, pull out a prybar and start working the door loose until it pops out. To my eternal surprise, I find that despite being jostled some, most everything is still intact. Twilight moves in closer, obviously curious.

"This is where you sit? What do you do to make it move?"

"Yea, all the controls are right here in the driver's seat." Pointing out the various controls, she begins to make connections in her head.

"So what actually makes it move?"

I sigh, and begin explaining as best I can the principle behind internal combustion engines, prying open the engine compartment and showing her what's left of it. At this point, I find my beer and smokes, and go into full redneck mode. Twilight looks at me wierd, and sees the obvious joy on my face as I pound the first drink, and crack a second.

"You know, we do have water if you're thirsty."

"My dear Twilight, this is no ordinary drink. This, is beer. It is meant to be drank in this fashion, but should be cold. However, at this point, I'll take alcohol in any form."

"I've never heard of beer. What's so special about it?"

"Well, it tastes good, and it makes you feel good. Just don't drink too much of it, or you start making really bad decisions, like deciding to drive a car, or fucking that really good looking lady at the bar that's actually not all that good looking, or in your case, guy."

Two beers down, and I'm starting to feel a little happier, and I pull out a pack of cigarettes. By this time Twilight is in full scholar mode, writing down everything I do and say. She doesn't seem to have a clue what profanity is, and I'm just waiting for her to ask what I mean by fucking a random chick at the bar. Oh that's gonna be funny.

"Hey Spike, can you breath fire?"

"Yea, why?"

"Can you shoot a little bit of it right on the end of this white stick I got here?"

I put the cigarette to my lips, and wait for him to shoot. Twilight gets a panicked look, and before she can say anything, he shoots a jet of fire at my face. I pull back, patting at my beard, and realize, my cigarette is gone!

"What the fuck? Where'd it go?"

"When Spike burns something with his fire, it doesn't stay, it gets sent to Princess Celestia, it's how we do our mail. Whatever that was, it's now sitting in front of her."

Oh shit, looks like we're gonna be getting no smoking laws passed pretty quick. I can't help but laugh at the image of Celestia holding a burning cigarette, wondering what the hell we're up to.

"What's so funny, and what was that?"

I stop laughing long enough to pull out another, and light it with a lighter I find on the floor boards.

"Where I'm from, some of us smoke a plant called 'tobacco'. It's kinda frowned upon, and seen as a lower class activity." I notice she's staring at the lit cigarette, and her face is a mixture of shock, and wonder.

"Why would you light something on fire, and then inhale the smoke like that? Doesn't that hurt?"

"No, not really. They're actually extremely addictive, and I wouldn't recommend you pick up the habit."

I go to crack open another beer, and Twilight looks at the case, almost looking a little... Thirsty?

"Can I try one of those beers?"

Oh, this is gonna be hilarious. I open it for her, and she takes a delicate sip, before pausing. She puts it down, and starts writing notes.

"Bitter tasting, but not like tea, I can almost taste some sort of grain in it, but I'm not sure what. I'm not sure why it's so fizzy. It tastes ok, I'll keep drinking it." She takes a long pull, and I sit back, waiting for the show to start.

"Sho, what elshe ij in your, thingy?"
She walks over to the other side, having a slight wobble to her steps. Boy she's a lightweight. At least I don't have to worry about her drinking my whole case. I can brew my own, but that takes awhile, and I want what little I have to last. She drains the bottle, and notices another bottle, and pulls it out. Uncorking it, she sniffs, before I take it from her magic.

"Nope, that's not beer, that's Irish whiskey, let's save that for another time."

"Whishkey? Is that kinda like beer?"

"No, it's stronger. And I'm not gonna have you mixing your drinks when you can barely handle one beer." I can already see her starting to lose control, and now I'm starting to worry that she'll get sick.

"Hey John, what's this?" I look up, and with horror, I realize that Spike has found the worst possible thing for one of these people to find. My pistol.

"Ok, put that down, please, now, don't touch anything on it, I really don't wanna have to explain-"

POW.

"FUCK! SHIT THAT BURNS!" I sit down quickly, looking at my shoulder, hoping to God that it didn't hit a bone. Blood is pouring out fairly quickly. Taking off my shirt, I shove it into the hole as best I can. Spike runs over, scared shitless thinking he just killed me.

"What was that?! What do I do?! Are you ok?! Should I-"

"Get me to a hospital. Then we'll go from there."

Author's Note

Sorry for the darkish ending to the chapter, but I couldn't help but think that Spike accidentally putting a bullet in John's shoulder would be kinda funny. I would also like to thank Lumox6 for proofreading for me.