The Nightmare and Me

Nightmare gazed up at the 3D TV, the glasses barely fitting her small face. She's been obsessed with Monsters Inc. lately and it's been driving me crazy.

"Where did she go? Did she disappear? Dis she turn invisible?" I quoted the movie at the exact time Sully said it in the movie.

Nightmare gave me an irritated look. The glasses slid down her face and  hung precariously at the tip of her nose. Her eyes crossed to scowl at it as if it would crawl back up to her eyes if she glared at it long enough.

I got up to use the restroom. Once I was on the oval office, I remotely activated the nanny cam I bought to make sure Nightmare stays out of trouble. I can't see what she's doing with the remote, but it's recorded so I can watch the tape later.

I flushed and I heard a crash. I rubbed some Purell on my hands and went back to the living room. Loud noises have become a normal part of life the past few weeks, so I was only slightly worried. Lying on the couch was a discarded pair of glasses.

"Niiiiiightmaaaare," I called. A clatter of hooves answered.

I cautiously made my way into the kitchen, my bare feet sticking to the linoleum. What lay in front of me looked like a disaster scene. Broken plates were strewn about the room, a cracked glass was hanging off the faucet. A chair was pulled up to the snack cupboard and I could see the hoofprints because of the thick layer of coffee grounds coating the floor. The snack cupboard was empty.

I did a mental check. There were cookies, pretzels, chips and- oh god. There was a stash of muffins.

I tiptoed into the hallway, following the black hoofprints leading to her room. It was actually a guest bedroom, but she just adored the closet that automatically lights up when you open it.

The door was cracked open, but Nightmare wasn't in sight. But the coffee grounds told otherwise. I followed the trail to the 'magical' closet andflung the door open. A very guilty looking Nightmare Moon gawked at me, her mouth full and double hoofing muffins out of the Ziploc. The rest of the snacks were lying at her hooves.

"Ah di uh do ih," she said around her mouthful, her teeth stained purple from the blueberries.

"Uh huh, sure. And I'm Celestia." I put my hands on my hips.

Her eyes widened in fear. I facepalmed. Of course, she doesn't know what sarcasm is.

"No, I'm not Celestia. That was called sarcasm." I explained.

Nightmare narrowed her eyes and swallowed. She slowly took another bite of muffin.

I suddenly lunged at her. She jumped out of the closet, trailing coffee grounds all the while.

I scrambled. "You will clean up that kitchen at once!" I yelled.

"No! cleaning is for peasents!"

"You're not in Equestria anymore! We don't have princesses here in America!" I saw her standing in the hallway.

"That's right, you don't! But you have Nightmare Moon!" she posed. Then she raced off.

"But if you don't come back here RIGHT NOW, there won't be!"

"You have to catch me first!" I saw a flash of her mane on the basement stairs. I pounded down the concrete steps into the unfinished basement.

"I swear to god, Nightmare, if you don't get your ass upstairs and clean that kitchen..." I ground my teeth.

A giggle emanated from the crawlspace. I crept over to where the giggle was. All was silent again. Her head poked out of the crevice she had managed to squeeze into. She had grown fast since I found her two months ago. She was roughly a foot and a half tall and about two feet long.

She saw me and squealed, trying to get out of the crawlspace. I seized her before she could make her escape. She shreiked and collapsed into my arms in a fit of giggles. I had to remind myself not to squee over her mindblowing adorableness.

"Nightmare, you have to clean the kitchen. And as punishment," I took a deep breath. "You are taking a bubble bath."

Sheer terror engulfed her face. "No no! No bubble baths! No bubbles! Please!" she desperately pleaded.

"You need one. Badly. And it's only fair since I have to vacuum the whole house tomarrow. So tough luck, girly."

"You can take the bath. I'll clean." Nightmare begged.

"Tough luck," I spat and stormed upstairs. I showed her the kitchen. A look of pride spread across the filly's face.

"You can start by pushing the chair back up to the table. I'll be watching." I set her down on the floor. I left the room and closed all the open doors. She was still too small to reach the French doorknobs.

Ten minutes later, I returned to the kitchen. Surprisingly all the broken plates were off the floor and in the trash. Believe me, I checked. But the Mare in the Moon was nowhere to be seen. I walked into the living room, and saw Nightmare catching the end of Monsters Inc..

I went back into the kitchen and swept the coffee grounds up and into the trach can. I retreived the shards of glass residing in the sink and put them in recycling. The kitchen looked decent, if not a little grubby. I opened the door to Nightmare's room and retired to the master bedroom for the night.

I left the door slightly ajar, in case Nightmare has a nightmare (I know, aren't I hilarious). I turned on the flat screen and played the recording of the nanny cam.

A soundless, black and white Nightmare Moon sat in the living room. Suddenly, she got up and streaked into the kitchen. A few minutes later, she returned into the view of the all-powerful nanny cam. A package of cookies, a bag of pretzels, and the bag of sacred muffins rested upon Nightmare's back as she raced out of the kitchen and was once again out of sight.

The next morning, I crept into Nightmare's room to raid her closet for the remaining snacks. God, she still snores. I opened the closet door and mentally cursed. The light turned on, revealing two moldy muffins, a half-empty cookie pack, and many pretzel crumbs. The light also seemed to mute the house. Yes, Nightmare stopped snoring. I scoopedup the food and ran into the kitchen. I threw the muffins away and put the other stuff in the cupboard.

A bleary Nightmare wandered in.

"Did you take the snacks?" she yawned.

"No. I put them away last night," I lied.

"Then what are you doing in here?"

"Coffee."

"I spilled the grounds."

"Clever filly. I was making pancakes."

"We're out of eggs."

"Crap, you're smart."

"Well I did almost take over Equestria." she said proudly.

"Okay Miss Princess, you're still dirty. And you need a-"

"Bath!"she paled.

I grabbed her before she could move. "You're actually taking it today, splashy."

"No! I'm clean! See?" she shook her filthy hooves in my face.

When I got into the bathroom, I closed the door before letting her down.

"No! This isn't the bathroom! I'm hungry!" Nightmare wailed and banged on the door.

I turned on the faucet and squirted a generous amount of Mr. Bubble into the tub.

She stared in horror at the rising foam.

I reached down and picked her up, only to have her squirm free... just above the bathtub.

"Noooooooooo!" she howled.

I almost felt bad for her, she made it sound like the bubbles were mugging her. But then I remember that the poor mug victim wrecked the kitchen and tracked coffee grounds all through the house.

I squirted baby shampoo onto my hand and scrubbed Nightmare's mane. I reached for the garden spade I use to clean her hooves as Nightmare flailed about the tub.

"Help me!" she yelled through the bubble coating so thick that I could only see her eyes.

"Nope." I groped through the bubbles for a hoof. I got one and scraped the coffee out of it. I did the same for the next hoof, and the next.

"Help!" she waved her hooves about, catching me in the hand.

"Ouch, Nightmare, that hurt." I clutched my now bleeding hand.

"I did? Whoa, cool! Blood!" she leaned over the edge of the tub.

"Gotcha!" I lathered her tail with the shampoo.

"Noooooo!"  she acted like she passed out.

I got up to dry my hands, but discovered that there was no towel. I left to go get one. When I returned, the bathroom was quiet.

Curiosly, I leaned over the edge of the tub, searching for Nightmare.

"Gotcha!" she popped out of the bubbles and pulled my head into the water.

Sputtering, I took my wet face out of the water.

"Nightmare, you are so dead!" I yelled.

The carpet outside the bathroom was soaked. First I grabbed the towel, then I ran along the dark trail, finding her creeping into the kitchen.

"Aha!" I scooped her up and wrapped her up in the towel. She giggled and poked her head out, a corner of the towel hanging out over her face.

I laughed along with her and snuggled. "Right now, you are REALLY cute, Nightmare."

She giggled more. "I know!"