It was with more than a little apprehension that I crossed back through the portal and into the depot. Looking around, things were surprisingly calm. No smashed desks, no blood, no feathers, not even a single pony shaped hole smashed through a wall anywhere. There was nothing at all to indicate that I had left a growing shitstorm of epic proportions behind me. Which is when I realized that there was absolutely no one else in the departure area either.

“Hello,” I called into the empty area, and my voice echoed off of the walls. “Anypony here?”

“Oh James,” Discord said, his head popping out of one of the side offices. “Do you mind coming in here for a moment.”

“Sure thing, Discord,” I said, stepping into the side office. “Things seem… peaceful.”

“That’s what I wanted to talk to you about,” Discord said, sitting on the ceiling and looking down at me. “Also, thank you for the present from cousin Q.”

“Oh, sorry about that, Chief,” I said, grabbing a cup of coffee. “You spun me around so fast after I got back that it went completely out of my mind.”

“Oh, I completely understand,” Discord said, nibbling what appeared to be another of Fluttershy’s awesome cookies. “Q put a few very nice presents for both of us in your bag.”

“Ya, about that,” I said, and I noted that both of us were tap dancing around the elephant in the room. “What is the office policy on gifts outside of delivery items?”

“As long as it’s something that’s truly freely given, it’s all yours,” Discord said, pulling the saddlebags I’d worn on my first run out of thin air. “Ah, here you go.” Discord handed me a photo of the Enterprise’s bridge crew, at their stations. On the back was an autograph from each person on the photo, but not that of the actors who played the parts I was familiar with. Rather the signatures were those of the actual Captain Picard and the others I'd met.

“Awesome,” I said, smiling appreciatively. “What did Q give you?”

“A spell matrix,” Discord said, harrumphing a little. “He gave me a spell matrix that I should be able to use to make you a new, better collar with. Oh, and this is yours too.” Discord reached into the bag, pulled out a large bundle and tossed it to me. Parts of it clinked as I caught it.

“What is it?” I asked, even as my mind noted it’s similarity to the package I had delivered to Sonata.

“I didn’t open it,” Discord said, pouring himself a cup of coffee as well. “In fact, there was a note on it saying that you shouldn’t open it either until you are with someone you care about.”

“Really,” I said, cocking an eyebrow. We just sat there for a minute or two, me sipping my coffee, Discord sipping at his coffee cup and not the contents. The silence kept stretching out longer and longer and finally I couldn’t take it anymore.

“Okay, dammit,” I said, and my voice sounded hard, even to me. “What in Tartarus happened between Luna and Derpy?” It was a good thing that question rocked Discord back a bit, because it meant he didn’t notice how surprised I was at my choice of words as well. When did I start using the phrase “What in Tartarus” instead of “What the hell?” Discord’s reply though shifted that topic to the back burner though.

“Things got a little heated between them,” Discord said, rubbing the back of his neck. “But I finally managed to calm them down by telling them that they really shouldn’t make any decisions about you unless you’re there.”

“Didn’t I say that I wanted to be here for that?” I asked, and I tried to control my voice even as I felt my anger rise. “I wanted to be here but you shoved me back out the door at pronto speeds. Where are they now?”

“Back at Derpy’s place,” Discord said, flinching a bit away from me. “They said they would talk and wait until you got back.”

“Why didn’t you tell me that in the first place instead of keeping me here?” I asked, putting down my now empty coffee cup and shoving Q’s package in beside Spicy’s box in my saddlebags. “I need to get going.”

“James, I got you out of a volatile situation. Luna and Derpy were able to calm down because you weren’t there to argue over,” Discord said, holding up a paw to stop me for a moment. “They’re now at Derpy’s home where there is a small filly. Both of them are going to be strongly motivated to stay civil to each other.”

“You’re right,” I said, deflating and letting my shoulders slump. “Sorry about the attitude. What do you think I should do?”

“Go there, and talk to them,” Discord said, tossing the coffee from the now drained cup into the trash. “Be honest with your feelings, and remember you’re in a position most stallions would kill to be in.”

“I’m not most stallions,” I said to Discord, as I put a hoof on the doorknob. “That’s why you hired me, after all.”

“True enough,” Discord said, a small chuckle coming from him. “Just try not to hurt their feelings. I need both of their goodwill as much as I need you.”

I nodded and pelted out the door and the building as fast as my hooves would carry me, into the late afternoon sun. Charging through the small streets of Ponyville, I guess I made quite the sight as I galloped along, my shoes sparking where they struck the occasional flagstone. It was a testament to Long Strides’ work that it took me barely ten minutes to reach Derpy’s home and I came to a stop out front with an almost audible “screech.”

Everything was quiet, too quiet, as I walked the few steps to the front door. It was a cliche, but I was a magical pony boy who worked as an interdimensional courier for a Spirit of Chaos who tended to play with the laws of physics like they were lego bricks. Cliche was a source of stability and comfort.

“Hi, James. Come on in,” Dinky said, opening the door just as I was about to. “I’m just heading over to Button’s for dinner. Seeya.” Any hope I might have entertained at just sneaking in was now well and truly blown as Dinky rushed past me, and off to her friend’s place.

“James, is that you?” Luna asked, from inside the house and I felt my heart splash into my stomach.

“It’s me,” I said, hunching my shoulders and making my way into the house. Everything seemed to be intact, just like back at the depot. Maybe Luna had thrown Derpy into the dungeon or something. She had the authority as a princess to do so, but then Dinky wouldn’t have been so happy.

“We’ve got fresh carrot muffins!” Derpy said, from the kitchen and I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding. I decided there was no sense putting things off and walked into the kitchen.

“Hello James,” Luna said, in a perfectly calm voice as she sat at the table, muffin on a plate by her. Derpy was just settling down opposite her and there was a third place set for me, complete with muffin and a steaming cup of tea.

“Hi James,” Derpy said, her smiling face warming me, even as I noted that her ears were flicking back and forth. “We need to talk.”

Those four words have been the death of many a good man before me, and like all those other males, I was well and truly trapped in the situation. My only real recourse would have been to turn and run, which would have solved nothing. Besides, I cared for both of the ladies in front of me, and not just because they had done things for me.

“James?” Luna asked, shaking me out of my reverie, “art thou well?”

“I’m fine,” I said, putting my saddlebags on the table and sitting down. “The question is, how are we?”

“Reconciled,” Luna said, and then her voice became deferential. “Fair Derpy, may I explain things to our stallion?” That got a raised eyebrow from me. Up until now Luna had always called me “her” stallion.

“Go ahead, Luna,” Derpy said, with a nod as her ears went forward in interest. Which got another raised eyebrow from me as I sipped at my tea. When had Luna, Princess of Equestria, started deferring to Derpy, Mailmare Extraordinaire?

“Thank you,” Luna said, in that same polite, respectful tone. “James, what do you know of marriage in Equestria?” My spit take was a thing of beauty, as I launched the mouthful of tea I had just slurped up, in a surprise powered stupendous arc that carried it out a solid ten feet or so, directly into the kitchen sink.

“N-nothing,” I coughed out around the edges of what little of the liquid had stayed in my mouth. “What’s does marriage have to do with things?”

“I know you have only been in Equestria a short time, James,” Luna said, smoothing her expression into something neutral. “But I know you have noticed the disparity between the numbers of mares and stallions. Remember the nightmare that I pulled you out of.”

“Wait, it really is that bad? I thought that was just something I dreamed based out of cheesy sci-fi,” I asked, picturing the one mare in my dream who had been holding up sign saying, “Equestria needs Stallions.”

“There are four stallions for every six mares in Equestria,” Luna said, her ears drooping, “and it used to be worse. My sister created many social programs to encourage the birth of more colts, but as a species ponies will always tend to have more mares than stallions.”

“Okay,” I said, frowning in thought. “What does that have to do with the three of us and marriage?”

“Because of the disparity of numbers between mares and stallions, certain social conventions have risen into place,” Luna said, those expressive ears of hers going back in what I recognized as anger. “Conventions that pulled Equestria out of one of its very dark periods.”

“What happened?” I asked gently, and both Derpy and Luna wouldn’t meet my eyes for some reason.

“Stallions of that time… were viewed as property,” Luna said, and it didn’t take an empath to feel the waves of sadness and anger coming off of her. “And because the loss of a single stallion could bring about the end of a family line, stallions spent their lives in chains or cages so they could not be easily stolen, killed or simply used by rivals or enemies. To be sure, those poor stallions did lead a life of ease in their bonds, but they were viewed as simple chattel, being nothing more than tools used to create the next generation of ponies.”

“So, what that nightmare creature was showing me… “ I said, letting my voice trail off.

“Was an only slightly skewed view of Equestria’s past,” Luna said. “My sister was not always the attentive ruler she is now.”

“Why the hell not?” I demanded, feeling my blood rise on behalf of all those other stallions. “What could possibly have made her not pay attention to her own kingdom?

“Me,” Luna said simply, deflating even further, her ears now in a position I recognized as an expression of guilt.

“What do you mean?” I asked, trying to remember my primer in Equestrian history and failing miserably.

“I… fell, from grace,” Luna said, and Derpy took one of Luna’s hooves in her own in a gesture of comfort. “I sought to usurp my sister’s authority because I became jealous of her. because I desired the glory and honors others gave her. In my madness, I became Nightmare Moon and came close to destroying Equestria before my sister imprisoned me in the moon for a thousand years. The guilt of the necessity of what she did drove Celestia into a deep depression for many years.”

“Holy crap,” I whispered. Yes, I remembered Nightmare Moon from what I’d been told of Equestrian history, but no one had mentioned that the boogeymare from Equestria’s past was Luna.

“You are perhaps the only stallion in all of Equestria who knows of my past as a mere story and not something you directly experienced. So you trusted me, let me touch you, and you did so without fear of me or my power,” Luna continued. “Being that close to a stallion is a heady wine, and I sought to drink it to the dregs for the first time in a millennia. To the point where I have wronged you by accident, and must beg your forgiveness."

“Whoa, wait,” I said, my brain catching up. “How did you wrong me? You’ve been nothing but be protective and caring of me.”

“I did not realize it until valiant Derpy pointed it out to me, but I have been slowly trying to steal you away from her. Every touch, every time I addressed you as 'My stallion,' every smile I gave you, drew you more and more into my orbit,” Luna said, and to my surprise she got out of her chair to stand beside me. “I did not mean for it to happen, but the fact is that I was trying to usurp her place, much as I tried to usurp my sister’s a millennia ago. All I can do now is ask for your forgiveness, or at least understanding."

“I don’t see what you did as such a bad thing,” I said, because to be honest it didn’t sound like Luna had messed with me in any sort of bad way.

“Because of the things I have done for you and to you, you will always feel a bond towards me. You will never be fully free of my influence,” Luna said, and her eyes were beginning to sparkle with unshed tears. “I used my power and position to incline you towards me, because I wanted you.”

“Wanted me,” I said, stupidly echoing her.

“Yes, James. I wanted you,” Luna said, looking up and finally meeting my gaze. “I wanted you to cover me, to take me as a stallion takes a mare. My desire to feel physical closeness again blinded me to how I was influencing you.”

“So that night in the dream, when you said you didn’t like me in that way?” I asked.

“I was lying,” Luna said, dropping her gaze again. “I knew that you would not consent to being with me at that time, so I did what I could to ensure you would always be close to me, no matter where you were.”

“Have you lied to me about anything else?” I asked, keeping my voice even. Luna shook her head in the negative. “Fine, one last question then. Have you done anything directly to my mind to change how I feel about you or others?”

“No, of course not,” Luna said, shaking her head vehemently.

“Then there is nothing to forgive,” I said, smiling at Luna. “You tried to impress me, and keep me in touch with you, which is something almost anyone interested in someone else would do. If you need to hear it, ‘I forgive you’. Okay?”

“If you are sure,” Luna said uncertainly, as she got back up to her hooves.

“Oh sit down,” I said, gesturing toward Luna’s chair and bumping my saddlebags a bit as I did so. “Besides, I get the feeling there is more to this. Isn’t that right, Derpy?”

“Yup,” Derpy said, her good humour restored as Luna sat by her again. “I’ve got dibs, but I think Luna should finish telling you about it.”

“Yes. As I was saying earlier,” Luna said, pulling her tea close to her again, “certain social conventions grew out of those dark times. A way to ensure that stallions were not kept animals, while at the same time making sure that mares could be sure that they would not lose a chance at a promising stallion.”

“What does all this have to do with me?” I asked, mind working furiously. “Hang on a second. Does this have something with these ‘dibs’ you have Derpy? Dibs… on me?”

“Yup,” Derpy said, fluffing her wings out a bit before pulling them back in.

“Let me explain,” Luna said, sliding the conversation back to her. “The convention goes by many names. ‘First Attempt,’ ‘First Refusal,” and yes, ‘Dibs’ as well. What it means is that the first mare who has a significant interaction with a stallion who has come of age, has the right to be the first one to court him.”

“Court him,” I repeated, and my mind finally spun things into place. “So when Derpy and I fought those goons in that alley, she earned ‘Dibs’ on me.”

“Correct James,” Luna said, nodding. “What’s more, Derpy could have died from the wounds that she took on your behalf. Which is why she became rightly angry with me. She had earned the right to be the first one to try to have a relationship with you and my actions were bypassing that.”

“So, we’re engaged?” I asked, incredulous. “Or, I’m promised to her? Derpy, I like you. I mean, I really, really like you. But only as my best friend. Maybe one day—”

“It’s okay,” Derpy said, interrupting me. “It just means I have ‘dibs’. Nothing more than that, and it doesn’t mean you can’t choose somepony else if you find somepony you like. Just from the mare side of things, I get the first try. Unless you tell me to go away, that is.”

“Let me see if I’ve got this right,” I said, frowning in concentration. “If I want to take up with any other mares, I can, but if any mares want to take up with me, Derpy has first call.”

“Correct again, James,” Luna said, smiling. “Derpy has ‘dibs’, but she has also said that she is willing to share you… with me.”

My eyebrow rose again, along with certain other parts of my anatomy. It is a very bad joke but often true, that males have two heads but only enough blood to operate one at a time. Which is probably why my mouth engaged on its own, while my brain started playing fantasies of me twined around Luna and Derpy while bad saxophone music played in the background.

“So, that means I could have both of you with me,” my treacherous mouth said, while my brain was distracted. “If you were both willing, that is.”

“Do you want both of us?” Derpy asked, her eyes wide and her wings popping open with a slight "poomf" sound.

“Who wouldn’t? Both of you are completely awesome—” I began, jumping up and gesturing toward both mares.

As luck would have it, that was the moment when my saddlebags fell sideways under the impact of one of my waving hooves, and of course I hadn’t fully secured the flaps when I had charged out of the depot, and of course the contents of said bags fell onto the table in front of all three of us. Now this by itself wouldn’t have been a disaster, except it seems that Equestria also suffered under the God of Perversity, and Murphy, who is his prophet.

As the treasure box hit the table, a hidden catch on its side popped it open, spilling the very adult contents of the box directly under the surprised muzzles of Derpy and Luna. The open lid then caught the wrapping around the bundle Q had given me, and it tore open to reveal a slithering mass of white straps, gleaming chrome and colourful accessories.

For a long moment, absolute silence reigned, except for the tiny corner of my mind that was busy inventing new curse words to describe Q with.

Author's Note

Bit of a short chapter here, but it just felt like a good place to end the chapter. I'm a little under the weather today, so a short afterword as well.