Mail Troubles

The malicious mob of maddened mares with mayhem, and maybe male massacre in mind, made me move myself mightily in maximum motion. In other words, they scared the crap out of me and I high-tailed (no pun intended) it out of there with them in hot pursuit. I ran harder and faster than I ever had before, because let me tell you, nothing beats four wheel drive when it comes to making tracks. Despite my awesomeness though, it seemed that no matter how hard or how fast I was, the mob was just a little faster, and slowly but steadily they closed in.

“Psst, over here,” called a voice, and I saw the wonderful sight of little Dinky waving me over toward an alleyway. “Down this way, quick.”

“Dinky, thank god,” I said, and pounded down the alleyway with her. “You just saved my hide.”

“Found him, Momma,” the cutest filly of all time chirped to Derpy.

“Good girl,” Derpy Hooves said, setting down what looked like some washing she was hanging on a line. “You head off and distract them. I’ll deal with James.” The little pony headed off down the alley, raising a literal dust cloud in her wake. I could hear the baying of the mob as they drew close to the entrance of the alley.

“Thanks, Derpy,” I said, leaning over the fence to hug the mare. “Now quick, hide me someplace before the Mad Mare Mob gets me.”

“I’m sorry, James,” Derpy whispered in my ear, and I could feel a noose made of clothesline tighten around my neck where she had slipped it during the hug. “Over here, girls!” I pulled back in shock, tightening the noose automatically against my throat. It would only take me seconds to slip it. Seconds I knew I didn’t have.

“Why?” I asked with as much reproach as I could muster. “Aren’t we friends?”

“Are we?” Derpy asked back. “I wanted to be friends from the moment we met, but you just pulled away without saying anything.” I had just enough time to realize how right she was, and then the mob was on me. There was a whirl of flashing light and colour, a cacophony of sound and the next thing I knew I was being carried back down the alley by the triumphant mob. All four legs bound together, a pole slung through the gap to carry me. If you have ever seen the scene in Jedi where they get carried into the Ewok village, then you know what I looked like.

However, I was pleasantly surprised to be alive and relatively unharmed, with the mob singing happy songs like “99 stallions on the wall, 99 stallions on the wall...” So, I wasn’t horrifically surprised when I saw that I was being carried toward a barn that proclaimed itself to be a “stallion milking station.” Just as we reached the entrance and I started to brace myself for a really bad ending, I heard a voice that filled me with relief.

“Away from him!” Luna’s voice thundered with the force of a thousand storms. “Away from my stallion, I say!” Mares began flying away in droves as Luna parted the sea of massed mares like a snowplow blasting through a fresh fall of powder. A few mares carried me into a corner of the barn, trying to defy their monarch.

“Princess, please... “ one of them begged. “The heat... it’s so bad. We need him. Please, Princess, there are so few males.”

“He. Is. Mine.” Luna growled, wrapping me in her midnight blue magic and pulling me away from the crazed mares. She kept me levitated by her side as we flew off together, her magic more than capable of freeing me from my bonds as we travelled.

“Damn, thanks Luna,” I said, appreciatively noting how the act of flying made the muscles under her coat ripple. “Are things really that bad in Equestria as far as males go? I mean, I haven’t seen too many...”

“Hush, my stallion,” Luna said, and something about her voice made me flinch inside. “All your questions will be answered in moments.” I closed my mouth and watched as we descended toward a grassy glen in a forest. I could see that the only thing of note was a strange piece of metal lying on the forest floor that was shaped like an “H.” My mind started trying to sound some warnings to my mouth, but before I could say anything, Luna dropped me the last foot or so to the ground directly over the metal.

As I suspected, or had begun to suspect, it was a trap. Cuffs built into the ends of the “H” snapped shut around my hooves, securing me firmly in place.

“Luna,” I said, trying to sound reasonable, tugging a bit at my bonds. “What’s going on?”

“You forsook your bonds of friendship with fair Derpy,” Luna said, smirking and running a hoof along my flank, like someone would with a prize animal they had just bought. “Therefore, you belong to whichever mare has a claim over you. Which, I do.”

“Whoa, hold up,” I said, panicking a little and trying earnestly to pull myself free. My hooves may as well have been set into the bones of the planet itself for all the good it did me. “I didn’t forsake anything. I was just trying to figure out...”

“Hush, my stallion,” Luna said, clamping my mouth shut with her magic. “Hold still while I lock my bridle upon you.” I pulled against the shackles with everything I had, while at the same time trying to dodge the approaching mass of straps. It was no use, and I heard a small whimper escape my mouth as the bridle began to slide over my nose.

“Away foul phantasm, you have no power in my realm!” Luna’s voice thundered again, only this time from above, and the world around me shook in response to the fury in that voice. Luna dropped the bridle and we both looked up in surprise. A second Luna, stooping like a falcon, dove from the clouds, flinging a spear of power at my captor. The bolt slammed through the chest of the “Luna” who had captured me, allowing it only a moment of surprise before it dissolved into mist. The attacking Luna landed a moment later where the other had stood.

“I’m sorry it took so long to reach you, James,” Luna said with a snort of satisfaction at her victory. “Your dreams continue to be difficult to reach, despite their obvious power. I will have you free in a moment.” True to her word, the shackles holding me evaporated just like the first “Luna” had, and I staggered away.

“Is... is it really you this time?” I said, scared as I tried to avoid speculating how deep down the rabbit hole I was. “You said I was ‘your stallion’ before, does that mean ponies have some kind of droit de seigneur?” Luna looked at me in puzzlement for a moment as she sorted out the old medieval French phrase.

“Oh, by my Moon, no,” Luna laughed, realizing one of the sources of my distress. “James, please come sit beside me. I give you my word as a Princess of Equestria, that nothing will happen except with your complete consent.” Luna sat herself down onto the grass, tucking her legs in underneath her and folding her wings against her back.

“Um, okay,” I said, and then realization came to me. “Wait. This is a dream. No, wait, that’s not right... I just had a nightmare.”

“A very bad one, James,” Luna said. “So bad that your fear and terror drew a phantasm to you. A creature of the dream realm that feeds on such emotions. When it began to feed off of your nightmare, it realized it could draw even more power from you by creating a nightmare within your nightmare.”

“Yeah,” I said, shaking my head and moving to lay down beside Luna. “A dream inside a dream is always pretty bad. Is this a normal thing for you to handle?”

“No, it is quite rare,” Luna said, placing a wing over me in a feathery hug. “As I said, your dreams are of exceptional power and are, sadly, uncontrolled.” That saying triggered a memory of an old, very cutthroat MMO I played for a couple of years.

“You imagine wonderful things, and you imagine terrible things, and you take no responsibility for your imaginings,“ I misquoted, in all likelihood. “This is the gift of your species, and it is also its curse.”

“That is a very apt saying, James,” Luna said, nodding to me as her wing and body gave me comfort. “Before this night is out, we will do something to ward you from such a creature attempting to feed on you again. But first, we must determine the cause of the nightmare that drew the phantasm in the first place. Tell me what occured before my arrival.” Wide cyan eyes looked deeply into me. Luna wasn’t commanding me, or forcing me to talk, but her steady regard made it clear that she would accept nothing less from me than the whole truth. So, I told her the whole dream up to her arrival, and she frowned at me, sensing there was more to tell. So, I told her of what had happened the previous day.

Memo to self: Never, ever, get the Princess of the Night mad at us. The ground, the freaking ground, vibrated at the intensity of her growl, shaking the trees around us.

“I am most wroth with the staff of the hospital, James,” Luna said, her voice calm but her tail twitching back and forth like an angered cat. “They were to keep your condition private, even from their co-workers. However, that is something for me to deal with tomorrow. Right now, we are discussing you. You dreamed that Derpy betrayed you. Do you have any idea why you might dream something like that?”

“Because I may have betrayed her friendship in me,” I admitted sadly. To her credit, Luna simply nodded with a “go on” gesture. “This whole thing with my lust cranked up to eleven has got me second guessing everything.”

“Including your relationship with Derpy Hooves,” Luna said, thoughtfully. “Tell me, James, do you love her? Do you desire her?”

“No!” I exclaimed and shook my head, “Yes, maybe. I don’t know anymore. Look, Luna. All I really know for sure is that Derpy is a friend and I don’t want to see her hurt. Even if that friendship is just something this transformation shoved onto me.”

“That is a fine sentiment, James.” Luna said, keeping her wing draped over me. “You say that Derpy is a friend to you. May I ask when was the first time you felt that friendship toward her?”

I thought back, rewinding recent events in my mind’s eye and trying to isolate the moment Luna requested. It came to me after a moment, the two of us, fighting those goons together in the alley. Then later, after I shared my meal and a nap with her, that was when I really felt that Derpy and I were truly friends, and I dutifully relayed that revelation to Luna.

“And that was the first time you felt the true magic of friendship between you?” Luna asked, and I nodded. “Then thy youth has led you into error, my stallion. For was it not after this time that Discord first transformed you, and brought you to Equestria?” I tossed that back and forth between my few remaining brain cells for about a minute before the light bulb came on.

“Oh hell, I’m an idiot,” I said, whacking myself in the forehead with a forehoof and nearly knocking myself out.

“Perhaps, young James.” Luna said with a slight chuckle at my antics. “But what you do next will truly demonstrate whether you have wisdom or are a fool. What do you plan to do with what you have learned when you awaken?”

“I’d already planned on talking to Derpy, if I can,” I said, sighing a bit and leaning against Luna’s comforting mass. “Only now I think I need to offer her a big apology as well, and ask her if she can find it in her heart to forgive me. If she can, then I’ll ask her if we can still be friends.” A lightning bolt went through me as Luna nuzzled me behind the ear.

“Good stallion, you demonstrate the beginnings of wisdom.” Luna said, and the twinkle in her eye told me she was enjoying how she had managed to fluster me. “James, I like you.”

“Uh...” I responded in my ever eloquent fashion as I tried to shut down a flood of blood to my lower parts.

“Not in that manner, young stallion,” Luna giggled. “At least not yet. I like you for your boldness, your humour, and how you continue to adapt to new things. You show great potential, which is one reason that I wish to make you a member of the Lunar Herd.”

“Um, say what?” I asked, my eyebrow trying to climb through my hairline. “What does that mean?”

“You would become part of my household and extended family,” Luna said, smiling at me. “You would be as a younger cousin or nephew to me. It will not give you any authority in Equestria, but it will serve as a protection for you.”

“Okay, sounds good,” I said and frowned as my ears went back a bit. “But there’s no such thing as a free lunch. What’s the downside?”

“I must put a small piece of my power within you,” Luna said, her face changing to a serious look. “It will mark you as one of mine in some manner, and it will allow me to find you in the dream realm with greater ease.”

“Annnnd?” I prompted, sensing something more.

“However the magic marks you, it will stand in place of your cutie mark,” Luna continued, hanging her head. “At least until such time as you earn one of your own.”

“Cutie mark?” I asked, puzzled for a moment, then remembering part of what I had been told about Equestria. “Oh, you mean those mark of destiny things. Don’t worry about it, Princess. I’m not. One question though, does doing this give me any responsibilities to you?”

“Only such things that I might ask of any friend, requests that you may feel free to refuse if you think they are onerous,” Luna said and her grin came back. “It does not, for instance, make you my concubine or my consort.”

“Oh darn,” I said, grinning back, decision made. “But I would be proud to become a member of your herd. You’ve done a lot to watch over me and help me, and I’d love to be able to give back a bit.”

“So be it, young stallion,” Luna said, and then she gently touched her horn to my head before murmuring something. As the words flowed from her I felt a cool sensation spread over my forehead, like cold water. The coolness was refreshing, invigorating, and I closed my eyes to savour the feeling as the magic washed away the dregs and after products of the nightmare. I felt the wave sink through my body in a downwards path, concentrating itself in my hooves before fading away.

“Well, that is certainly different,” Luna said, and I opened my eyes, checking myself up and down to see what had changed. Luna giggled a bit as she watched me twist around trying to spot what had been altered on me. It wasn’t until I moved a hoof and felt an unexpected weight there that I realized what had changed. Luna’s magic had shod my bare hooves with gleaming arcs of silver.

“Is this normal?” I asked Luna, rolling to a side and extending a hoof to her.

“No, but then again, the magic tends to do as it will,” she traced one her hooves over mine, feeling the shoe there and drawing a giggle from me as she tickled the sensitive frog. “Moonsteel shoes, very strong, very durable. Perhaps the magic has given you something you will need as you travel the worlds for Discord. Only time will tell.”

“Okay,” I said, still rubbing at the shoes and admiring them. “What next?”

“Next, stallion of my herd,” Luna said, smiling as power began to wreathe her horn. “You will get some true rest and I shall return to patrolling the dream realm again.”

“Wait!” I said, putting out a hoof to stop her before she zapped me. “Before you put me under, can you rig it so I wake up a little early?”

“Certainly,” Luna said, knowing immediately why I wanted to be up. “I was going to arrange that anyway, James, but you didn’t give me a chance to tell you. There was no need to shout at your matriarch.”

“Matriarch?” I asked just as Luna hit me with her knockout spell and I knew only oblivion for the next several hours.

I woke up feeling really rested and energetic, like I could do anything at all. Then I remembered past events and shot a glance at the clock on the wall. It was 7am, nearly a full hour before things started to get going in the hospital proper. I hit the button on the side of the bed that raised the upper portion for me, and as I did I saw the gleam from the underside of my hooves.

“Well, hell,” I said to myself. “That really did happen.” I spent a moment or two twisting a hoof toward me so I could study it. It was pretty much what I thought a horseshoe should look like, curved like an Omega from the Greek alphabet. Two things were a little different than what I expected though. First, the sides of the horseshoe had grooves notched in them, perpendicular to the line of the shoe itself. Traction grooves, I guessed.

The second odd thing was that I seemed to remember that horseshoes were nailed on. Mine had no nails, or fasteners of any sort that I could see. Perhaps they were glued to my hooves somehow. However they were attached though, they weren’t coming off. I put the mystery of my hooves aside as I turned my attention to a greater problem though. That of how to get to Derpy.

The way I saw it, I had three options. First, I could simply wait until the nurse came in with my breakfast and ask her to get someone to take me to Derpy. It was a fine, mellow idea that would cause the least upset to all concerned, but it also ran the biggest risk of Derpy being discharged and leaving the hospital before I could talk to her.

Second, I could hit my call button for a nurse. I really didn’t want to cause a panic though and have nurses come charging into my room, expecting me to be keeling over, only to find me asking for a porter. Making people who have your well-being in their hooves run around for minor reasons is not a good way to make friends and influence people.

The third option was for me to try to make my own way over to see Derpy. My body from my shoulders up was listening to me, for the most part, and there was a wheelchair near the bed. If I could reach out, catch the wheelchair with my forelegs and drag it against the bed I should be able to scootch myself off the bed and onto the wheelchair. After that, it should be a simple matter to wheel myself to where Derpy was.

“Piece of cake,” I said to myself, leaning and stretching outwards. At the time I didn’t really notice it, but everything from about my chest up really listened to me, even if the bottom half still spasmed and twitched like a Starbuck’s junky coming down from a week-long coffee fest. Regardless of my noticing though, I was indeed able to hook a hoof around the chair and drag it so that it sat parallel to the bed.

“That’s it, come to papa,” I murmured, pleased with my accomplishment. I flung the blanket off the lower half of me and spent a minute figuring out how to lower the side rail of the bed. Then I leaned out, resting some weight on the chair beginning to pull myself off of the bed and onto the chair.

They say that no plan survives contact with the enemy, and that nature always sides with the hidden flaw. So it was with me, as the hidden flaw of my not setting the brakes on the wheelchair made itself manifest. The more of my body that was suspended between bed and chair, the more of my weight pushed against it. Until with agonizing slowness the chair began to push away from the bed, drawing my body out with it and I quickly passed the point of no return.

“Crap, crap, crap,” I chanted, helpless to stop myself as I was stretched out to full length in mid-air. Had my lower half been working as well as my upper half I might have had a chance to salvage things by pulling myself back in with my rear legs. Instead though, I crashed heavily and painfully to the floor in a clatter of medical equipment as things fell or were dragged to the floor by me.

“What in the wide, wide world of Equestria is going on here?” Nurse Redheart asked as she burst through the door moments later, her eyes going wide. I must have looked quite the sight. Collapsed onto the floor, the wheelchair having flipped back over my head and upper body, the blanket from the bed dragged off and lying over my back and rear legs, bits of medical equipment and supplies all over the place.

“We’ve got a ‘Code Autumn’, room eighteen,” Redheart called back over her shoulder as she moved quickly to my side and got down low to check me out. After that came the doctor, the orderlies, and exactly the kind of big panic I hadn’t wanted to happen, as they rushed me into an examining room to see if I’d injured any internal organs.

It was mid-day before they wheeled me back to my room, and I’d had to promise up and down that until Long Strides gave the okay, I wouldn’t try to leave my bed again without assistance. Even then, some of the nurses were talking about chaining me to the bed, giving me dirty looks as they did so. I’d had a suspicion that a certain princess had raked them over the coals a few hours earlier for their gossiping of yesterday, and that they were still feeling the sting of her verbal lash. Long Strides talked them out of that though, saying it would be detrimental to my recovery.

“Thanks, Long Strides,” I said as ponies began to leave. “I thought they were gonna lock me up and throw away the key.”

“Well, I can’t say I’m not a little ticked with you,” Long Strides said, smirking a bit. “But, what you did shows that your body control is going up exponentially, which is a great sign. Rest up today from your adventure and we’ll pick up again tomorrow morning. Meanwhile, there is somepony else here to see you.” The therapy mare went to the door and held it open while a blond-maned, grey pegasus mare walked in.

“Derpy!” I exclaimed, happy as hell to see her. I thought I had missed her entirely with my little misadventure.

“Hi, J-James,” Derpy stuttered out uncharacteristically, and barely stepped inside the door as Long Strides left and refused to meet my eyes. “I just wanted to tell you that it’s okay if you don’t want to see me anymore. I under—”

“Stop right there,” I said with as much authority as I could muster, and you would think I’d have kicked her from how she looked. “You… have not done anything wrong, except to be the most courageous, awesome, and self-sacrificing friend that a complete idiot like myself could possibly ask for.” Derpy’s head came up at that, her mismatched eyes going wide.

“I don’t deserve to have a friend even half as incredible as you have been to me,” I pressed on, and I could almost see the confidence flowing back into my friend. “The truth is, I haven’t been anywhere near as much of a friend to you as you have to me, and you aren’t just my friend, you’re my best friend in Equestria. Maybe the best friend I’ll ever have here or anywhere else.”

“You mean that?” Derpy asked, still hesitant.

“Damn right I do,” I said, smiling at her and holding up my forelegs. “Now, come here and give me a hug.” Derpy was against me and hugging so fast that teleportation would have been slower. We stayed like that for a few minutes, with her sniffling into my chest fur and me making comforting noises while stroking her mane.

“When you stopped talking to me, I thought you wanted me to go away,” Derpy eventually said as she looked up at me. “Why did you do that?”

“Because I was scared,” I replied honestly. “I was scared that I couldn’t trust how I felt about people around me anymore, because this collar Discord had me put on has messed with my emotions so I wasn’t sure I could trust anything.”

“So, you just like me because you got changed into a pony?” Derpy asked, and I could see her emotions threatening to crash again.

“No, my fine feathered friend,” I said, bopping her gently on the nose. “We were friends even before that, as another friend of ours pointed out. This all has made me realize how important it is to have friends here and not try to rely so much on myself, and how important you are to me as a friend. What I guess the upshot of all this is, is that I’m sorry and can you forgive me for making you think I didn’t want to be friends anymore?”

“So you still wanna be friends?” Derpy asked, and I could see the beginnings of a smile on her face like the first lights of dawn.

“Of course I do,” I said, smiling down at her. “You still wanna be friends?”

“Of course I do,” Derpy said right back, as she hugged me even harder. I felt happy and at peace for the first time since I had arrived in Equestria and things got even better the next day.

The next day, I walked on my own.