My Little Bastard: Fame is Poisonous
“I love you so much, girls!” exclaimed the lavender blue-maned alicorn with an honest grin on her face.
It didn´t take too much time for the pink pony, the white unicorn, the 2 pegasi and the orange western mare to hug their beloved friend tightly, who was seated next to the fire.
“Oooh, we love you too, Twilight!” said the pink pony with a joyful tone in her voice.
“CUT!" yelled a strong, male voice, "Ok, guys, this is how we end Season 14! It was an honor working with all of you and blah, blah, blah. See ya!”
An alarm rang somewhere in the room and suddenly, as if the alarm had had a negative effect on them, the 6 female equines quickly separated one from another. Meanwhile, a group of pegasi and unicorns, dressed in white T-shirts, started to dismantle the set and pack the cameras and microphones in big, wooden brown suitcases.
“Ugh! Finally!" yelled the white, purple-maned unicorn as she proceeded to light up a cigarette with her lighter and put it in her mouth, "You have no idea how sweaty all of you are! You could´ve ruined my beautiful mane!”
“Jesus fucking Christ!" said the blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane while she was cleaning the tattoo of a white cloud with an equally rainbow-colored thunder on her backside with a wet rag, "Is there anything you care about that it´s not your stupid mane?”
“How dare you to insult my mane?!" said the unicorn "Such blasphemy must be punished!”
“Ugh" thought the orange, orange, yellow-maned mare while removing the fake freckles from her cheeks, "Not this again.”
“Oh, yeah?!"said the pegasus using the same hostile tone, waving her frontal hooves while flying around in circles around the unicorn, "What ya gonna do, sweetie? Bang me to death like one of your fuckbuddies?”
“Oh, you´d love that, wouldn´t you Miss I´m Unsure about my Sexuality?" replied the unicorn angrily.
The yellow, light grayish rose-maned pegasus stepped in front of the 2 combatants, who were both ready to beat the living hell out of each other.
“Girls, please" she said with a voice that almost sounded like a whisper, "There´s no need to start an argument here. Just wait till we get outside and…”
“Get your fucking hooves out of me, you sick animal lover!” yelled the blue pegasus slapping her.
The pain made the yellow pegasus burst out into tears.
“Fluttershy!" yelled Twilight, who stopped trying to remove the plastic wings glued to her back to help her colleague, "Rainbow Dash! Why did you do that?!”
“Oh, my God!" said Rainbow Dash ashamed, "I….I´m sorry. I didn´t want to…"
“I´ll tell you why, dear" said the white unicorn with an egotistical tone, swinging the cigarette in the air while giving herself airs of grandeur, "She´s nothing more than a poor resentful lesbian!”
The magenta eyes of the blue pegasus stared at the white unicorn with contempt.
“Shut up, Rarity!" yelled Twilight in anger while trying to console Fluttershy, who was still crying, "You´re not helping! Applejack, give me a hoof here!”
“Oh, for the love of…" shouted the orange pony, putting her left hoof on her face, "Why do I always have to pass through this situation with you every day? Applejack, do this! Applejack, do that! I´m sick of it, Twilight! Sick!”
“Hey!" said the tired pink horse with huge eye bags, "Calm down, everybody! We´re all gonna be super-duper fine!”
“No, Pinkie!" said Twilight, "We´re not going to be super-duper fine! Our show is over, and if we don´t get another job soon, we´ll end up begging on the…."
Twilight gasped. A huge, horrible revelation had suddenly hit her.
“OUR SHOW IS OVER!” she yelled in panic.
The young unicorn turned around and saw how a brown, black-maned mustang, dressed in a dark suit and tie, was leaving the room. Scared, she trotted with all her strengths until she reached him, not without leaving a grumpy Applejack to take care of a defenseless Fluttershy.
“Mr. Greedy" she said, "Where are you going?”
“The episode ended” said Greedy without even turning back to her.
“B-but" mumbled Twilight, "…You can´t leave us like this! This show was everything we had!”
“It was" he replied, "Past tense.”
“How can you be so insensible?" cried Twilight in anger, "You said you were going to make us all famous!”
“And I kept my word" said Greedy sharply, this time turning back to Twilight, "But now that this series has finally ended I have other projects in mind, and you, girls, are not my problem anymore. Have a good day and I wish all of you good luck!”
The old horse closed the door behind him, leaving the lavender mare behind. The room felt quieter than usual. Only the sobs of Fluttershy could be heard.
Rainbow Dash opened the other exit door, which was near the remains of the now dismantled set. The cold, deadly breeze of winter flooded the room.
“Well" she said, I get out of here. Anypon…Fuck! Anybody here wants to come with me?"
“I´m coming!" said Rarity firmly while trotting outside. She and the blue pegasus shared a brief, sidelong glance of hatred for a second, "I have more important things to do than crying over spilled milk!”
“I´m coming too" Pinkie Pie said, yawning and putting a fluffy green scarf around her neck, "Let´s see if they want to hire me in one of those stand-up nightclubs I´ve always heard about.”
“Girls!" yelled Twilight desperately, "Wait! Don´t go! It doesn´t have to end like this! We can still face this….”
But it was too late. Rainbow Dash let the door close behind her, producing a loud noise that made the building tremble.
“Together.”
And there they were the three ex-actresses: Alone, in a dark, empty room with only one light on and Fluttershy still sobbing. Everybody else had already left.
“It´s okay, Fluttershy" said Twilight comforting her work friend once more, "Everything is going to be alright. You´ll see.”
The darkness of the room started to get spooky. The wind roared against a semi-closed window on the roof.
“Am, Twilight" said Applejack, breaking the uncomfortable silence, "Can I stay in your house for just a couple of days? I don´t know if I told you before, but I couldn´t pay my debts last month and they bucked me out of my building yesterday.”
“Sure, AJ" sighed Twilight, "Whatever you need.”
My Little Bastard: Fame is Poisonous
It was 10:33 PM when the two mares finally arrived to Twilight´s home, shivering and freezing to death due to the low temperature. It was a department of one and a half environment, which consisted on a living room with a green, two seater sofa, a bookshelf full of disks from famous pop stars and a television, a small kitchen with a dishwasher, a huge refrigerator and a microwave and a second room with a bed, two windows on the wall and a rectangular shaped table with a computer on it. Next to the bed´s location, there was an entrance to a little bathroom with a washbasin, a toilet and a white tub.
“Okay, Applejack” said Twilight while giving her guest a small tour around the house, “You can stay here in my bedroom until things change. I know it´s not much, but trust me, that bed surely is comfortable, especially during nights like this!”
“Don´t worry, Twilight” the orange mare replied as she slowly let her bag on the floor, “I´m fine on the couch. It´s no big deal to me.”
“If you say so” said the lavender unicorn as she watched through one of the windows how the snow had started to cover most of the rooftops from the buildings, “You think Fluttershy will be fine? That black eye didn´t look so bad after all.”
“I really hope so” Applejack mumbled while sitting on one of the extremes of the couch with anger, “It was my entire fault. I shouldn´t let her try to stop Rainbow. I knew how she reacts every time she gets into one of those discussions with Rarity.”
“Don´t blame yourself for this” Twilight said sitting near her, putting her right hoof on her shoulder, “If anything, the only responsible here is Rarity.”
Applejack turned back to her. Twilight didn´t need to be a genius to note she was trying not to cry.
“What are we going to do, Twi?” she asked with melancholy in her voice, “That show was our only way to get money. And without Mr. Greedy to sponsor us, no one will hire us for nothing, not even for some stupid sitcom. We´re ruined!”
“I don´t know” said Twilight, “But I do know we will find a solution sooner or later. We just need to find a manager.”
The unicorn tapped her chin with her left hoof.
“Or” she said, “At least, someone with contacts.”
“But how are we gonna do that?” Applejack asked bewildered, “The only one with contacts around Manehattan is….”
“Yes, I know” Twilight quickly interrupted, with a derogatory tone, “Her.”
Twilight couldn´t tolerate hearing the name of White Daisy. Not one bit. She absolutely despised and at the same time couldn´t understand how a mare with such talent and an amazing career could be so egotistical, demanding and cruel with everyone on set.
Especially when she had to play the role of Princess Celestia.
“Hmmm” Applejack said, “Perhaps we should look for someone in the newspaper ads, though I´m not sure. It has never worked out for me. Maybe if we didn´t try…”
“We´ve got to try, goddammit!” Twilight snapped, “There is one way, I know there must be! We just haven´t found it yet.”
“Sometimes I wish I had your faith, Twilight” Applejack sighed, resting her elbow on the arm of the sofa and her head on her hoof, “Hey, I don´t mean to sound ungrateful but, Do you have something to eat? I´m starving since this afternoon.”
The lavender unicorn let out a huge sigh, then got off the couch and trotted to the kitchen.
“I think I have just the perfect meal for this occasion” she said with a treacherous smile on her face.
“Really?” Applejack asked, raising an eyebrow with curiosity.
It only took 10 seconds for Twilight to return to the couch with a tray, which contained a knife, two plates, two forks and what it seemed to be a pie.
“See?” Twilight said, trying to resist the urge to laugh, “An Apple Pie! You must love them because you´re Applejack! Apples, apples, apples!”
A vein began to throb, without haste but without pause, in the orange mare´s forehead.
“Say that word one more time” she said with a sharp tone, “And I´ll kill you.”
“Hey, relax!” yelled Twilight disgusted while cutting a generous slice of pie and putting it on one of the plates, “I´m just trying to be nice, Okay?”
“I´m sorry” Applejack said, grabbing the plate and one of the forks, “I´m just so tired of that joke.”
“Well it´s not my fault that it has become so popular!” Twilight replied, as she started chewing the slice she had put on her plate, “Besides, you have to admit it´s actually pretty funny.”
“Sure, whatever” Applejack said, while grabbing the small remote control, “Hey, what if we just see what´s on TV right now? Maybe it will calm both of us down.”
Applejack clicked the red button on the top of the remote control. The television turned on and the face of a blue, brown-maned male unicorn, dressed in a black suit with a white shirt and a red tie, appeared on screen.
“Good night, ladies and gentlemen”, the unicorn said cheerfully, “I am your host Gossip Camera, and welcome once more to The Dark Side Of Equestria! This time we have a very special episode in our hooves, as we´ll go deep into the backstage of the most old and famous program public television has had for the last 14 years and it´s sadly coming to an end. This is My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic: Behind the Laughter!”
“Ugh!” Twilight protested with all the strength her vocal chords could provide her, “Not this guy! I almost forgot the interview he made us yesterday for this stupid documentary! It was so embarrassing!”
“Hmmm” Applejack said, scratching her head, “Maybe we should take a look.”
“Why?” asked Twilight, covering her face with her hooves, “I don´t want to revive that damn interview! I was drunk, and I spit a lot of nonsense!”
“Does it really matter?” Applejack asked, without looking away from the TV, “Everyone will have seen this by tomorrow. At least we have the right to know what they ended up showing.”
“I guess you´re right”, sighed a defeated Twilight.
The program started, and the two mares prepared themselves for the worst.
My Little Bastard: Fame is Poisonous
“Welcome, Twilight”, Gossip Camera began, while seated on a chair, “Can you describe your experience with the show so far?”
The drunken lavender, blue-maned unicorn dropped a burp. A presentation card appeared in the lower left corner of the screen: “Twilight Albus Sparkle: actress/alcoholic”.
“Oh, let me tell ya, it sure is-Hic-awful!” she slowly replied, almost falling out of her seat, “But hey, as long as I have money and a fuck ton of wine, why should I complain?”
“Excuse me, but I´m not following”, said the journalist, notably interested, “Do you not get along with your companions on set?”
“What, those five bitches-Hic-over there?” Twilight yelled, laughing, “Oh, puh-leease! They´re all insufferable, especially the pink one and her, eh, failed comedian complex. What was her name again? Puke Dye Pie? Pink…..”
Suddenly, the young mare stopped talking and looked to the screen with a lost look.
“Hey!” she laughed, “What a cute little camera! Am I in-Hic-Big Pony?”
“No, Twilight” Gossip Camera said calmly, “You are not in Big Pony. As I told you before, we are recording this for a documentary. Now, I need you to stay focused here. Forget about the camera.”
“But it´s so pretty!” Twilight yelled with a babyish expression on her face.
“Now”, the blue unicorn said, clearing his throat, “What can you tell me about the producers’ decision about you and your companions’ characters having their real names?”
“They said our names sounded catchy enough to make puns with them” Twilight answered with a dumb smile, “Plus, they have a connection with the-Hic-six elements our characters represent in the show.”
“Do you feel ok with that?” Gossip Camera asked.
“FUCK NO!” Twilight yelled once more, “Why do I have to-Hic-associate my name with some stupid bookworm? I don´t even like books to begin with! Hell, I haven´t got time to read a-Hic-miserable e-book lately! But, you know, it´s a show for little girls.”
“And what can you tell me about your action scenes?” the journalist asked, intrigued.
“Oh, they´re painful to record!” the lavender unicorn said, clearly upset, “Since my character became an alicorn around season….5? 3? Oh, who the fuck cares? Anyway, since then I´ve had to record a TON of flying battles hanging from some oxidized-Hic-wires, and we don´t even have enough budget to hire doubles! Besides, those plastic wings are heavy as shit! There was one time I had to rearrange one of my vertebrae and I couldn´t be on set for a whole week!”
“And what do they use for the magical attacks?” Gossip Camera continued asking.
“Well” Twilight began, with her two eyes looking at different directions, “At first we started using some-Hic-practical effects but, from what I understood, we had to replace them with CGI during the middle of season 10 because the studio-Hic-had fired the guy in charge after he started flirting with Mr. Greedy´s-Hic-daughter. I think it´s the same bitch who plays Nurse Redheart, but I can´t tell.”
“One last question” the journalist said, looking at the golden watch he had in his left hoof, “Do you have any plans to act in another show now that this series only has one more episode to end?”
“HA!” Twilight shouted, “Plans? Why should I have them? I´m literally fucking swimming in fucking money! Plus, everyone loves me!”
“Yeah, I can tell” Gossip Camera slowly said with a sarcastic tone. “Well, Twilight, that´s all. Thanks for your time and for being here with us.”
“Aaaww, but I wanted to play with the camera” Twilight yelled, disgusted.
There was a quick editing cut and Twilight disappeared. Now, a small, purple reptilian creature with green scales on its head, back and tail was occupying the chair. Once more, a presentation card appeared in the low left corner of the screen: “Gerald V. Smaugus: actor/suffers from dwarfism”.
“So, Gerald” Gossip Camera said with a jovial tone in his voice, “What can you tell us about your relationship with Twilight Sparkle? Is it true you two were dating?”
“Sure it is” the small reptile said with a deep, hoarse voice, “It happened during the end of Season 10. She arrived drunk to my house one night and told me dragons turned her on.”
“How did you react to that?” the journalist asked.
“Well” Gerald replied, “I didn´t like it since I don´t like getting involved emotionally with my workmates, but she wanted me so much to fuck her that, in the end, I accepted. I didn´t enjoy it at first. In fact, during some brief moments I felt I was being raped, but when she started to moan, I fucking enjoyed it! After that night, we started dating in the old Manehattan Café in secret. At least she said it was in secret, but I know that resentful bitch of Rarity was spying us. Sometimes she called me at dawn to tell me about how she missed me and what kind of fantasies she had dreamed with the two of us in the kitchen, the bathroom or on top of a washing machine.”
“What was the reason behind the breakup?” Gossip Camera nervously asked, trying to hide his unexpected erection.
Gerald sighed and put his right hand on his face.
“It was our fourth year together” he said with a frown, “She told me that it was not going to work, since my small dick didn´t satisfice her anymore. I told her to go fuck herself, and after that we couldn´t stand working together on set, so the writers started to give Spike less and less episodes to avoid confrontations, but at least I could still send my recorded lines for Discord and Tirek. After we recorded the twentieth episode of this season they gave me a check and told me my character wasn´t going to appear in the Heart´s Warming Eve Special-which is going to be the series finale by the way-so I thanked them and I retired.”
“Well”, the blue unicorn said, “Leaving that matter aside, which word would you use to describe your time in the show?”
“I actually had a fun time” Gerald said while rubbing his belly, “It´s a bit sad to leave a kids show I´ve participated in for fourteen years, but it´s time to move to other things. In fact, I´ve already signed a contract with Paranormal Filly studios to star their next summer blockbuster. I can´t give you too much details, but I can assure you it´s going to be a blast.”
Another quick editing cut happened and a red dressed Rarity replaced Spike. The presentation card said: “Rarity Georgina III: actress/former porn star”.
“Moi, spying those two?” The white, purple-maned unicorn said with no interest while filing her hooves, “Nonsense! Why would I spend my time doing such a thing? If she wants to have an interspecies relationship, who am I to judge her?”
“Some of your companions affirm you´ve been having wild, sexual adventures with them lately”, Gossip Camera said.
“And they´re right”, she said without even looking the journalist in the eyes, “You want to know how many of them I´ve slept with? Go ahead, say it! I have nothing to be ashamed of, and I am proud of who I am!”
“Don´t you think it´s time to settle down?” the journalist asked with curiosity.
“Darling!” Rarity exclaimed, this time looking him in the eyes, “Who has time for engagements? No one and I mean no one will ever tame this mare! Why do you think I always say I identify myself a lot with my character? She is me! Well, except for the fact that she´s a character created for a much younger audience.”
“Well” the journalist said, looking one more time at his watch, “What will you do now that the show is finally coming to an end?”
“I´ll return to Porn industry” she said while lightning a cigarette, “I have a lot of friends in there who´ve been wanting me back for a while. They also told me that they have their doubts about starting to record right now considering the recent low temperatures, but, you know…. Sometimes, you have to wrap-up winter.”
One editing cut later, a cheerful female pink pony with light cerulean eyes was seated in the chair. “Pinkamena Diane Pie: former comedian/actress/drug addict”, the new presentation card said below.
“Playing such an energetic character like mine-and Derpy as well-can be very stressful” she said joyfully, but at the same time with a nervous laugh, “So I had to start inhaling heroin during season 4 to keep myself concentrated every time we had to make re-shoots during dawn. And once I started, I just couldn´t stop!”
“Have you been treating this addiction of yours?” Gossip Camera asked.
“OF COURSE I HAVE!” Pinkie shouted furiously, grabbing the journalist by the shirt with her two hooves “WHAT, YOU THINK I CAN´T CONTROL IT, YOU IMBECILE?”
“N-no!” the journalist stuttered, genuinely scared, “P-Pinkie, please, let me go!”
Pinkie Pie looked right at the screen with the eyes of a wild beast.
“PUT THAT FUCKING CAMERA OUT OF MY SIGHT RIGHT NOW, YOU UGLY SON OF A….” she screamed, as she tossed the journalist aside and proceeded to try breaking the camera.
There was another quick editing cut and two new presentation cards appeared on the screen: “Apple Jacqueline Taylor: actress/ former bulimic” and “Flutter Anastasia Thompson: actress/singer”.
“When the show started, I had to lose a lot of weight and spend hours trying to master the southern accent my character is supposed to have” Applejack said, scratching her neck with her right hoof. “And to top it all off, some members of the cast started to call me cowgirl.”
“And that was the reason you started to eat less and less?” Gossip Camera asked, raising an eyebrow.
“Yes” the orange mare sighed, “And the constant exercise wasn´t helping me either. In the end, I had to go to the doctor after I passed out during the recording of season 3´s final episode. It was a tedious, painful recovery and a horrible experience I´ll never forget.”
“Did they stop calling you cowgirl after that?” the journalist hurried to ask.
“No, they didn´t” Applejack replied, trying to suppress the tears that tried to come out of her lacrimal, “And then, things got more complicated. The fights on the set became more and more frequent, especially mines with Angelina.”
“You mean the young filly who portrays your character´s sister, Applebloom?” the brown maned unicorn asked.
“It´s true” Fluttershy added looking at Gossip Camera, then looking at Applejack in the eyes, “Remember that time when she tried to hit you with a plate during one of the kitchen scenes?”
“How could I forget?” the orange mare replied, lifting her blonde mane to reveal a big bruise in her forehead that was still healing.
“What will you do once this show has ended?” the journalist asked.
Applejack thought her answer for a second.
“Honestly” she finally replied, “I have no clue. Only time will tell.”
“I see” Gossip Camera said, “And what about you, Flutters? Can I call you Flutters, right?”
“Sure” the yellow pegasus calmly said, “Everyone does.”
“Ok, Flutters, What does your boyfriend think about all of this?” the journalist asked.
“My boyfriend tends to be very overprotective” she managed to say, “He doesn´t like when I have to interact with one of my male companions to record a scene. But I always tell him that no matter what happens my heart will always belong to him.”
“Do you identify yourself with your character?” Gossip Camera asked, clearing his throat again.
“Sometimes” Fluttershy said, looking in another direction. The question had made her feel uncomfortable, “I guess I´m very shy in real life, although my boyfriend always tells me I´m like a panther in the bedroom.”
The yellow pegasus let out a small giggle while Applejack tried to hide her sudden urge to vomit.
“Did you enjoy your stay in the show so far?” the journalist finally asked.
“I guess” Fluttershy answered, “I can´t say it was perfect, but hey, everything has its ups and downs.”
“Thanks for your time, girls” Gossip Camera said.
Another editing cut took place. A blue, rainbow-colored pegasus with a frown was seated on the chair and a new presentation card appeared: “Rainbow Dash Gonzalez: actress/former bodybuilder/ steroid addict”.
“This show is a waste of my time” she declared with a bit of resignation in her voice, “The only reason I´m still doing this is because I care about the money. And hey, if I need to have some silly tattoo in my butt to sell stupid toys for little fillies so I can get that money, I´ll gladly do it. Truth be told, I won´t miss any of these people, especially that whore of Rarity and her heterosexual problems.”
“So it´s true that you´re homosexual?” Gossip Camera asked, intrigued.
“JUST BECAUSE I HAVE A FUCKING RAINBOW-COLORED MANE DOESN´T MEAN I´M GAY!” the blue pegasus yelled, “IT´S JUST GENETIC! WHY IS IT SO FUCKING HARD FOR YOU GUYS TO UNDERSTAND?!”
“Applejack, please” Twilight protested, “Turn it off. I don´t want to see more.”
“Well” the orange mare said while clicking the red button in the remote control once more, “It wasn´t as bad as I expected.”
“Are you kidding me?!” the lavender unicorn yelled with anger, “This couldn´t have been worse!”
“Trust me” Applejack replied, looking her in the eyes, “It could´ve been much worse.”
It was then when the lavender mare rose from the sofa and trotted to her bedroom.
“What are you doing?” Applejack asked, preoccupied.
“I´m going to bed” Twilight said, “I´ll need a lot of rest and alcohol if I want to forget all of this.”
“Oh, come on!” Applejack replied, “Don´t you think you´re exaggerating a little?”
“Have a good night, Applejack” the lavender unicorn said with a sharp tone, ending the conversation.
Applejack looked at her former workmate, now roommate, entering her bedroom and closing the door behind her. Then, she let out a long sigh of frustration and turned on the television one more time.