“Oh, I’ve gotta get them presents!”

“Clean.”

“Oh, what kinda presents? I don’t know what they’re into anymore!”

“Clean, stop.”

“Unicorn and a pegasus, what could I get?!”

“Clean, it's your birthday, not theirs.”

“I could get a wizard outfit! No, that would be racist.”

“Clean, what?”

In the middle of the night, I, the lone human of Equestria was pacing in front of the lone queen of Equestria. Celestia was trying, unsuccessfully, to calm me down, but nothing was working. Then she had an idea.

I felt something wrap around my waist for a second. Then next thing I knew I had a pack of cigarettes pushed into my mouth. I sputtered from my rambling and spit the taste of cardboard and tobacco out of my mouth.

“Fuck, Celestia! You’re supposed to open it and take it out, not shove a fucking box in my mouth!”

“Well, it got you to stop, didn’t it?

“Shit, you’re right…”

“Haven’t you learned, Clean? I’m always right. Now calm down, it's your birthday, not theirs.”

I got up and dusted myself off. Picking up the pack, I cleaned it off, took another cig out, and put the pack away. I put it in my mouth and motioned to Celestia, “Got a light?”

The tip of the smoke caught fire for a second and I took a deep breath in. “Thanks, Celly; but yeah, what kind of grandfather would I be if I didn’t spoil my grandfoals? I don’t wanna be boring like you. Full offense.”

Celestia just brought her hoof up to her face and dragged it down making a very un-princessly sound. “I am not boring; I am a princess. I am the exact opposite of boring: I am amazing.”

I chuckled to myself, and walked over to the window to open it back up after it had been closed to keep me from pacing right out of it.

“And what's so funny, my little janitor?”

“You’d make a lot of stallions happy with the way you stroke your ego.”

This got under her skin, or fur in this case, because she ruffled her wings and blushed furiously. Which only caused me to laugh harder and for her to blush even harder. “After all these years, Clean, you still get me with your jokes. You are too brash and crude, it's a shock that anyone could like you.

After calming myself down I wiped a tear away and replied, “If I had to guess, I think it's my down-to-Equestria-ness that makes ponies love me. That and I’m cooler than you.”

After she gathered herself, she slapped me upside the head again with her wing, something that she loves to do. “Sure, sure. The janitor is cooler than the princess. Whatever helps you sleep at night. Now, let's talk about gifts since I know you’ll just try to get them and end up embarrassing yourself.”

“Yeah, I suppose you are right. I’ll admit it, but just this once!”

Celestia’s smile brightened and she nuzzled into my neck. “Oh, Clean, I just knew you would come to accept how much better I am.”

I pushed her away with both hands and flicked a piece of ash onto the end of her nose, causing her to sneeze it away and leave a small black smear on her snout.

“Gods’ sake Clean, it will take forever to get that smell out of my nose!”

“My bad, I haven’t the foggiest as to how that happened.” I said, feigning ignorance.

“Sure; well, maybe I won't help you now.”

I stopped my teasing and turned to bow to her. Getting on my hands and knees I knelt in front of Celestia.

“Oh, please, Kind and Graceful Princess of The Land. Lend me your strength and judgement to make two little fillies happy.”

“Well, since you asked so nicely… no.”

“N-nani?!”

“I jest; of course I will help you, but it will have to wait for tomorrow. It's late at night and we should both be heading to bed. Now, off with you; I have things I must attend to before I go to sleep.”

I got up and walked over to the door. “Alright; goodnight, Celly. Tomorrow you better take the day off so we can shop. Or else I’ll drag you out of the courtroom myself.”

“Of course, Clean. Goodnight, my little human.”

And with that, we both went to sleep.

-=- -=- -=-

“Good morning, Mister Clean!”

“And a good morning to you, little Blueblood; how are you this fine morning?”

Blueblood stopped in his tracks and looked up to me curiously. “Are you doing okay, Mister Clean?”

I picked him up and nuzzled him. In pony world, nuzzling is the same as a hug, which is really weird figuring ponies can hug normally without problems.

“Of course, Blue. I just found out my grandfoals are visiting. And what's up with the ‘Mister Clean?’ I thought you wanted to call me ‘Dad?’”

He looked down guiltily and I set him down. “Well… I kinda thought it would be weird to call you “dad”, when Auntie Celestia is my Aunt. So, what if I call you Uncle Clean instead?”

“Uncle Clean? I’ve never been an uncle before… Sure, of course you can call me uncle, little Blue.”

His guilty look was replaced with one of relief. “Thanks, Uncle Clean; I was really scared that you wouldn’t like it.”

“Of course I would love it Blue, I don’t care what you call me, ‘cus you’ll always be my little Blue.”

He giggled at that. “You’re starting to sound like Auntie Celestia now.”

I leaned back and draped my arm over my eyes, “Oh Lord! Surely I am not that old! Why, if I am, I may just turn into dust and clay!” I shouted dramatically, earning another fit of giggles from the small, white colt.

“You’re not that old! Well, you are, but you wouldn’t turn into dust! If Auntie is that old and still here, then you can be too!”

I stopped with my performance and leaned down to pat the colt on the noggin. “I can’t argue with that logic, now why don’t you head on to class?”

“But Uncle Clean, I don’t have class today! Its spring break!”

“Oh. Well, that explains something. Wanna go get breakfast?”

“Sure! But what does it explain?”

We both started walking to the dining hall, before I processed his question. “Oh, my grandfoals are coming to visit.”

Blueblood let out a long ‘Oooooh’ before looking back to me. “My bad, you just told me and I already forgot. Sorry, Uncle Clean.”

“Don’t worry about it Blue, my memory is practically non-existent too.”

-=- -=- -=-

The dining hall was rather empty as usual. There was only Celestia, Twilight, Cadance, and another white stallion sitting at the table. Twilight waved over to Blueblood, and he ran over. They both started excitedly talking about their spring plans and coming up with adventures.

I took my seat to Celestia, across from Princess Cadenza and the white stallion.

“So, Princess’, what's up with the whitey?”

“Clean! That is rude!” The small, pink alicorn spoke up first.

“I’m kidding, I’m kidding. ‘Sup Shine.” I said holding out my fist.

The white unicorn responded with a hoof of his own. “‘Sup bro, good morn’ I suppose.”

Celestia and Cadenza both gawked at us.

“What?” “What?” we both responded.

“Since when do you know each other?” Cadance said, putting her front hooves on the table and standing up, causing the cutlery to clink.

“Calm down there, Cadenza.”

She stomped her hooves on the table again, “And it’s CADANCE, not Cadenza!”

“Sure, bubblegum pone, whatever you say. And to the first question, I know all recruits in the army. What kinda person would I be if I didn’t know everypony whom I have to clean after? Have you seen the guards’ quarters?”

“Clean, please don’t do it.”

I point over to Shining Armor, “I know everypony here, I’ve had to clean up those damn guards’ quarters so many times. Did you know that they’re messier than a bunch of teenagers at a frat party? They can’t even put their dirty mags away. I know pretty much every fetish and every kink each guard has. And I know yours too, Shiny; you haven’t even been here more than a month and I know you better than your parents do.”

All the ponies at the table stopped and blushed, except for Twilight and Blueblood.

“What’s a ‘dirty mag,’ Mister Clean?” The purple one asked.

“And what's a ‘fetish’?” the colt asked next.

“What’re his kinks?” the larger pink one inquired.

And all the faces turned to the princess of love, whose face turned an even darker pink. Pinker than I previously thought possible.

“First off, Blueblood and Twilight: Ask me when you're older. And for you, Cadence: No. Just… no.”

Cadence brightens up more at me using her name, but blushes more and sits back into her seat after looking around the room and seeing everypony looking at her.

A waitress walks up to us and breaks the silence to ask us for our orders. I get a plate of eggs, toast, and grits. Both Twilight and Blueblood get muffins. Not just one, they both got three muffins each, with different flavors. And lastly Shining and Cadence got a plate of eggs and beans as well.

“Feelin’ British today, are we?”

Both ponies look at me ludicrously, an unspoken question evident on their faces while Celestia lets out a light giggle behind her coffee.

“Just forget it, the joke would be lost on you two.”

Both ponies just shrug and go back to eating their respective breakfasts.

Breakfast continued as normal.

-=- -=- -=-

After breakfast, Shining Armor pulled me aside.

“If you ever...EVER tell Cadence what you saw. I will do terrible things… ”

I crouched down to him and looked him in the eye. “And what kind of terrible things could you do that I haven’t already seen and experienced?”

He started to sweat profusely and look scared. Glancing from side to side to keep from looking me in the eyes. “I-I I’ll d-dirty your floors!”

I grabbed him by the horn and pulled him up to my size, forcing him to stand on his back hooves. “I love you, Shining, but if you dare dirty my floors… I’ll find you… and you’ll regret being born.” I then dropped him, making him fall onto his flank and back up from me.

I followed him as he backed up. “SALUTE!”

He jumped onto his hooves and brought his front right hoof up to his forehead in an automatic response. “Sir! Yes, sir!”

I moved to pat him on his head and turned away from him. “Don’t dirty my floors, am I understood?”

“Sir! Yes, sir!” His shaken voice replied

“Good, and I don’t plan on telling Cadence, I can tell you’ve got the hots for her, and trust me, I don’t plan on ruining that.”

He relaxed upon hearing this, and put his hoof down. “Thank you, Clean. Sorry about threatening you, I was just scared that you would tell her… ”

“Its cool Shine, now go do guard stuff, or whatever it is you do.”

We both parted ways and I started my search for Celestia.

“Interesting way of handling that, Clean. Not the most elegant, but definitely efficient.”

“Thanks, Celly; I do try to impress. Now follow me, it's time to shop!”

And with that, I lit a smoke up, and walked out of the castle, with the lone princess of the land tailing me from behind.

Author's Note

I'm already running out of chapter titles. Heres another chapter that I pumped out, enjoy nerds.