“Honey, I’m home!”

Celestia and I walked into the shop and the smell of salted meats burned into our noses. It was a pleasant feeling me to, but Celestia didn’t feel the same.

“Clean, tell me again why we went to ‘Griffith’s Gallery’?”

“Because I love this place, Griffith makes the best jerkies and steaks.”

Celestia grimaced at the mention of jerky, she’s never been a fan of meat herself, but she especially hated jerky. Years ago I had tried to convince her to try meat, and I used peppered jerky to entice her. She eventually caved in and had a piece. Unfortunately, since her teeth are flat, a piece of jerky got caught in her teeth and she had to deal with a piece of meat stuck in her mouth all day. Since then she’s hated jerky.

As I was describing my love for meats, a griffith came up from around the corner.

“Was that Clean I heard?”

The griffith had a distinctive female voice. Her feathers were an ash gray, with a slight purple sheen on her chest.

“The one and only! And how's my favorite birdie?”

The griffon grabbed me by my wrist and pulled me down to her level.

“You can only call me birdie when you make me squawk like a bird.”

I had grown used to mares hitting on me, especially since I’m so close to Celestia. Getting in my pants meant closer to the princess. It was when they did it without trying to go up society, doing it specifically cus they like me, that I usually responded.

I spun my hand around out of the griffons grip and wrapped my own hand around her wrist and pulled her, making her stand on her hind legs.

“I came here to buy meats, not give meats.”

Admittedly not my best line, but I’ve had worse.

At first she merely blushed, her and Celestia both, then she started to giggle. After giggling for a few seconds, it snowballed into furious laughter. I joined in, it might actually have been my worst pickup line.

Celestia just stood behind us feeling awkward, she didn’t even know why we were laughing.

“Clean, it's honestly no wonder why you haven’t had a hen or mare in your pants.”

“Hey, I’ve had better zingers, today’s just taking it out of me. And, and I’m here to eat.”

She finally noticed Celestia behind me and quickly bowed, nearly planting her beak into the floor.

“My apologies Princess! I didn’t see you or I would have been more respectful.”

Celestia immediately snapped into princess mode, standing up straight and using her ‘motherly’ voice.

“No need my little griffon, any friend of Clean’s is a friend of mine.” Then her voice took a more normal tone, “Though I must ask why he has so many female friends, but never a lover.”

“It's easy Princess, Clean just isn’t smooth enough to land a date, but that's why so many people love him.”

“Alright ladies, you can gossip after I get some food. Don’t forget we only have two hours to relax, and I’ve got shit to do.”

-=- -=- -=-

“Here are the menus, though I doubt you need it Clean.”

“Probably not, this is the smoking section, right?”

“Clean, you’re the only one in Canterlot that smokes, you’ll be fine.”

Celestia and I were given a nice corner booth. The seats were surprisingly accommodating, instead of being cushions on the floor the seats were real seats.

“Excuse me, I hate to sound rude, but Clean never mentioned your name.” Celestia spoke up before the griffon could leave.

“My apologies princess, my name is Griffith, though Clean likes to call me Fith.”

“It is a pleasure to meet you Griffith, and Clean always has been one to make horrible nicknames for ponies. I guess griffons are no different.”

“You guessed right Tia, it's better than calling everyone ‘sport’ or ‘buddy,’ plus, it helps me remember names. Enough talking though, we want food and you want bits.”

“Have you two decided on anything yet?”

I looked over to Celestia and saw that she hasn’t even opened her menu.

“Not yet, but can you get me some potato skins? Half with bacon, half without.”

“Of course Clean, any other appetisers? Drinks?”

“I would like a water, with lemon if you please.” Celestia spoke up.

“And for you, Clean?”

“Give me a sweet tea. And bring another too, you make the best tea and I just suck that sweet nectar down.”

Celestia and Griffith ignored my innuendo, or they just didn’t catch it.

“Alright, two teas and one lemon water. I’ll be back with your drinks and appetizer while you two think.”

“Thanks love” - “Thank you Miss Griffith.”

Celestia and I both started to look through the menu, I already had an idea on what I was gonna get, but I looked through the menu looking for a good meal for Celestia. I set my menu down and turned it to be facing her. She craned her head around her own menu and I started to point stuff out.

“If you want some potato based lunches, I recommend the garlic mashed potatoes or just getting more potatoes skins. If you’re in the mood for pasta, Griffith makes a mean meatless lasagna and an even meaner pasta alfredo.”

She looked over the menu, trying to decide one something that would peak her interest. “I think I know what I’m going to get, thank you Clean. I can always count on you to help me.”

“It's what I’m here for Princess, now we just play the waiting game.”

I leaned back into my seat and pulled out a smoke. Might as well have one while we wait, it would take a few minutes for our appetizer and the drinks would be here soon.

“Hey, Celestia, mind using that experimental spell?”

“What spell?”

“You know the-” I waved my smoke around trying think of the words. “-the no smell spell?”

Years ago, Celestia had come up with a rather inconvenient spell. It removes the smell and effects of smoke, but only if used before I light it. Also Celestia was the only one to cast the spell. I have no idea why, but no other unicorn has been able to pull it off, and I’m usually too lazy to find Celestia, and too impatient to wait for her to cast it. Also I’m a dick.

After she cast the spell on the little cancer stick, I lit it up and pulled out a small ashtray. Griffith chose this time to appear with our drinks.

“Here are your drinks, and your potatoes will be out soon. Now have you two made any decisions?”

I pointed to myself, “Yeah, I’d like a steak and eggs combo.” Then I pointed to Celestia.

“And I will have the garlic mashed potatoes and a pasta alfredo.”’

“Good choices, and I’ll get those started immediately.”

I caught Griffith before she could walk away, “Hey, Fith, you wouldn’t happen to have any jerky made, would you?”

A sly smile graced her beak, an action that I always thought impossible. “Maybe I do, and what will you be willing to do for it?”

“Feeling really Frisky today, aren’t you. Better not be a heat coming up, or I’ll be bouncing town. I’ve got the bits you got the meat. I want to buy a metric fuck-ton of jerky. Like, a lot of jerky.”

“I’ve got exactly what you want, I’ve got a whole bag full of jerky waiting for you. I figured you would stop by sooner or later, so I had a fresh batch waiting for you.”

“Thanks Fith, you always know how to spoil me.”

“Anytime Clean, now let me make your lunch or you’ll be stuck waiting.”

I got comfortable in my chair again and looked over to Celestia who was blankly looking down at the table. I reached up and booped her on her nose.

“Tia, whats wrong?”

“Nothing Clean, just thinking.”

I reached up and started to stroke the side of her face. “Tia, you know you can’t lie to me. We’ve been together for so long, you know you can’t fool me.”

She started to tear up, and her voice got shaky. “It's just, its getting hard, Clean. It's been so long since I’ve had a break like this. I’m all alone, you’re the only one who can truly understand me.”

I kept stroking her as she laid her head down on the table trying to make herself look as little as possible. We were the only two in the place, but she was still uncomfortable being emotional in public.

“Look, Tia, how about when we get done today, you skip afternoon court. Just tell them that you’re not doing it today, then we’ll go back to your room. I’ll give you a massage and you can tell be your worries.”

“Clean, you know I can’t just cancel afternoon court.”

I slammed my fist down on the counter, causing our drinks and cutlery to clatter. “Celestia, you are THE Princess! YOU make the rules! If I have to tell every damn guard and every fucking pony in Canterlot to fuck off I will. You’re taking today off and that's final.”

Celestia looked up at me, tears trailing down the sides of her face. Then, with a sniffle, she raised her head and let out a small laugh. I grabbed a napkin and started to dab at her eyes to wipe the tears away.

“Clean, you truly do know how to take care of a Princess.”

I would never admit it, not even at gunpoint, but my eyes started to water up as well.

“No Celestia, I know how to take care of my friends.”

After our little emotional episode, Celestia calmed down and I sucked down a class of tea and smoked down a couple more smokes to calm myself down.

Griffith eventually arrived with our potatoes and told us that our food would be done momentarily. Instead of sticking around to chat, she noticed the thick atmosphere and decided it was best to leave us both alone. We ate our appetizer in silence and quietly waited for our meal.

When our meal arrived, Griffith also had a large cloth bag. “Here is your jerky as well Clean, I expect the bag cleaned and returned soon.”

“You got it Fith, I’ll have it back soon.”

And with that we ate our lunch in silence. I always hated awkward silences, so I broke it.

“You know Celestia, I think you’re bridled with too much responsibility. “

Celestia, who was taking a sip at the time, started to cough. I caught her just as she was taking a sip and she was stuck between laughing and coughing.

“You know, I wasn’t originally planning a vacation. It was actually a spur of the moment decision.”

Now she was actively coughing and laughing. I knew I only needed one more perfect joke to clear the air.

“You okay there Celestia? You don’t sound too stable.”

Finally we were both smiling, albeit Celestia was still lightly coughing, trying to clear her throat. The previous ordeal completely forgotten.

“Griffith! We’re ready for the check! How much do we owe you?”

Griffith, who was quietly watching from the other side of the restaurant, came over and set a piece of paper in front of us. It simply said:

20 - Lunch

60 - Jerky

Total: 80 bits

Griffith <3

Underneath the simple math she had scrawled onto the paper was her fancy signature with a little heart drawn beside it.

“80 bits? Aight, that sounds fair enough.” I reached into my pockets and pulled out 90 bits, and dropped them into her outstretched claws.

She counted them quickly and dropped them into a bag she had been holding.

“Alright Tia, you ready to head out?”

“Yes I am Clean, don’t forget your bag.”

I looked back at the seat and realized I had almost left the bag of jerky that I wanted. I picked it up, slung it over my shoulder, and beckoned Celestia to follow me.

“Bye Clean! Bye Princess! Come back and visit more often.”

Celestia and I said our goodbyes to the griffon and left the store.

“So Celestia, we still have a little over half an hour to wait. Anything you wanna do?”

She rubbed her chin with her hoof in thought. An act that was very awkward to see on a horse.

“How about we just head back to the store. My belly is quite full and I would like to sit down for a bit.”

“Fair enough Princess, let's go then. I don’t want to have to carry you ‘cus you got too tired to walk.”

-=- -=- -=-

I opened the door for the Princess yet again and let her in first. Walking inside behind her and gently closing the door, we both found Granny Sew whittling away at a gem in her magical grip.

She looked up when we both were in the story. “Oh! You two are back early. Luckily for you I have both bags done! I’m in the process of enchanting this gem, so just give me a minute and I’ll get your bags.”

Celestia found a seat along one of the walls and sat down to wait. I decided to look around. Her shop always excited me. I loved the bags she had. One bag in particular peaked my interest. It was a nice, obsidian black messenger bag. It had gold clasps and would easily fit around my shoulder. I picked it up and inspected it.

“Hey, Granny, how much for this bag?”

She looked up from the gem and glanced over to the bag in my hand.

“Keep it Clean, that bags been there for months and nopony’s taken it.”

I wrapped the bag around my free shoulder and walked up to the counter. “Why hasn’t anypony bought it?”

Without looking up from the gem, she pointed at the bag. “Look at the color, everypony is afraid that the dark bag will bring bad luck or something. Ponies are just skittish of everything. We can’t help it.”

“Alright, well thanks again Granny. I’ll pay you back somehow.”

She waved me off, again not looking away from the gem. “Nonsense Clean, you pay me back every time you stop and visit me. Now stop bothering me, I’m almost done with this gem.”

I walked over to Celestia and showed her the bag. She quite liked the dark look of it and admitted that it would go well if I decided to wear a suit.

Within a few minutes, Granny Sew finished the gem and pulled two bags from the other room with her magic.

“Thanks Granny, I’ll be seeing you later.”

“Of course Clean, be sure to bring the fillies in! I want to see how they look in their new bags.”

“Goodbye Miss Sue, I’ll be sure to make Clean visit.”

Celestia and I made our way back to the castle. Celestia tried to break off and head to the throne room, but I grabbed her by her ethereal hair.

“Celestia, what did I say about court today. Go to your room, I’ll take care of this.”

She pouted but did as I told, slowly trotting to the staircase leading to her room.

Walking into the throne room, I was greeted by a long line of ponies. Some waved and greeted me as I walked in, while others started to murmur as to why the human was here instead of their princess.

“Alright everypony. I’ve got some news. I told Celestia to take the day off, so you can all go home.”

Groans emanated from the crowd, some ponies complained that they waited all day just to talk with the princess.

“If anypony’s got a problem with that, they can bring it up to me!”

Nopony said anything, and many started to file out of the throne room. Some ponies that I knew me trotted up and expressed concern for the princess.

“Don’t worry guys, she’s just not feeling too good right now. I’m gonna go up and take care of her, so don’t worry. Clean’s on the job.”

With that everypony left and I made my way upstairs to Celestia’s room.

Author's Note

Holy shit! Another chapter? In less than a month!

I'm gettin back into writing. I've found that the main problem is that I don't even have the roughest of ideas as to where this story is going. Every chapter is as new to me as it is to you.

Thanks to everyone who's coming up with chapter names. I would have given up and used Scrubs references without them.