Rainbow and Sonic are Feeling Blue
It was a dark and stormy night. The kind of stormy night that made Rainbow Dash sad because she didn’t like rain or dark or stormy or night. Which is in a way ironic, given that ‘rain’ is actually in her name. Anyway, Rainbow Dash was sitting by her window feeling all sad and miserable, when she started to think about God. You see, Jesus Christ, our lord and savior of all that is good and pure, had recently came to Equestria and had completely upended everything that ponykind had known about life.
The first thing Jesus had done was to kill celestia for being some sort of golden calf or golden pony or something biblical like that. The next thing he had done, was begin the Salem Pony Trials, although nopony knew why it was called that, and burned all unicorns at the steak. Twilight Sparkle had screamed a lot as she burned, but her feathery wings burned first, so at least for a moment she was a worthwhile character again. Once all the unicorns in Equestria were a pleasant well done, (the perfect way to have ketchuped steak) that was when things went mostly back to normal. Until the Hedgehogs came.
That was when things began to get just a little bit weird. Luckily, Rainbow Dash found a hedgehog who was like super fast, like faster than dumb old Lightening Dust who was faster than her but had a discipline problem so fuck her I guess. This new hedgehog just so happened to follow her around from place to place, but not like in a creepy way that Uncle Marvin used to do to my cousin and now we don’t hear from him anymore, but more like Joey from Algebra because we always had the same classes but he was in honors lit so fuck him.
His name was Sonic, and he was staying at Rainbow’s house just then because he hated the rain too, and he saw her looking all sad.
“Hey Rainbow, why are you looking all sad?” Sonic asked like a dumb person.
“Oh, Hey,” she said back. “I’m sad because god made it rain today and I wish that Jesus would clear the clouds like I used to do. Why don’t they let the pegasus control the weather anymore, Sonic?”
“Are you questioning Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness and redeemer of our Equestrian sin, Rainbow Dash?” Sonic said, not believin’ what he was seein’. “That could be considered Blasphemy in the wrong places!”
“Oh, no!” Rainbow said in saddened sadness. “I would never question Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness and redeemer of our Equestrian sin, Sonic. I just miss having my old job, and I was thinking about asking him to give it back to me.”
Sonic looked outside to the wet rain. It was making the ground very wet with water out there. He then looked to Rainbow Dash’s face, whose eyes were also becoming wet, but not with water because the window was closed.
“I love you Rainbow Dash,” Sonic said, because he did. “Let’s go ask Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness and redeemer of our Equestrian sin, for your old job back, k?”
“K,” Rainbow Dash said after a deep and thoughtful pause where she considered the ramifications of questioning Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness and redeemer of our Equestrian sin, of his plan for this realm.
So the two of them went off to find Jesus, but not in a spiritual sense, a literal sense you dummy. And where else would Jesus be than his home at Mr. Magillicutty’s Daycare and Strip Club. Rainbow tried to ignore all the mostly nude ponies, even though ponies are always nude, as she approached the place where Jesus was lounging, pelting ladies with bits.
“Fuck yeah, bitches you know I like it hot,” Jesus said.
“Hi Jesus Christ,” Sonic said, trying to look pious and not at all like someone who masturbated daily. “We had a question for you.”
Rainbow Dash looked down at the crucifix around her neck and took a deep breath before she addressed Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness and redeemer of our Equestrian sin and tipper of strippers.
“What up?” said Jesus Christ. “Lemme just slip this bit into this Pony’s coin purse and we can chat.”
Jesus then popped a penny in some pony puss then pursued the party to a private place.
“Please,” he said at last. “Do tell me of your troubles. I promise not to smite you or tell my dad on you, because he didn’t buy me a bike for my birthday, so fuck him.”
“Wait,” Rainbow Dash said, noticeably losing her train of thought. “Was that what prompted the whole… you know, Crucifixion thing?”
“Yeah, old man doesn’t like it when I pop sick wheelies or play with my fidget spinner,” Jesus Christ grumbled. “But he’s just an old sad man whose garden got fucked up by a snake, so whatevs.”
Sonic and Rainbow Dash nodded, pulled out their fidget spinners, then did the sign of the cross in a sign of respect to Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness, redeemer of our Equestrian sin, tipper of strippers, and popper of sick wheelies.
“So, you seem pretty chill,” Said Rainbow Dash. “Do you vape?”
Jesus pulled out his highly customized Ponetech eVic PT 60V filled with Speed of Sound vape juice, then blew a sick cross into the air.
“Sick cross,” said Sonic.
“Thanks, brah,” said Jesus.
“Anyway,” Rainbow dash said, coughing because she thought vapes still made smoke, god, do your research Rainbow Dash. “I really like making the weather happen and I miss it, and I know God does it now, but do you suppose he’d let me do it sometimes?”
Jesus took a deep sigh, like when he saw that Moses fucking dropped the 10 commandments and then blamed it on God. That was a tough question, and he was pretty mad at God, but mostly he didn’t think that Rainbow Dash could do all that weather by herself.
“Are you sure you can handle ALL the weather, Rainbow Dash?” Jesus asked in a questiony way. “Cause that’s a lot of weather. It’s like, all of it.”
“She’s right, Rainbow Dash,” said Sonic. “To do that much weather you have to, like, go fast or something.”
“I don’t care weather I can handle the whether or not,” Rainbow Dash said loudly, making a stompy stomp with a hoofy hoof. “I just want to do a thingy.”
“Well,” Jesus said, religiously. “I think you can handle it if Sonic helps you. But I dunno if you guys can work well together or not. Have you two even had sex yet?”
“Yeah!” Rainbow said with her mouth words. “I have lots of secs.”
“That’s not what he means Rainbow, god, how could you say that to Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness, redeemer of our Equestrian sin, tipper of strippers, and popper of sick wheelies?” Sonic said. “He means, have we fucked?”
“But Jesus!” Rainbow Dash said, her face turning very red like a red thing. “We aren’t married!”
“That’s okay,” said Jesus Christ. “I now proclaim you are married, so now you can have sex.”
“I want a divorce,” Sonic said.
“No,” said Jesus. “Now have sex already so I can watch and tell you if you’re good enough to control the weather yet.”
“I guess there is absolutely no other reasonable option to resolve the current situation at hand,” Rainbow and Sonic both said in complete unison because that is a thing that married people do all the time on a regular basis.
Then they got naked, which meant that they just decided they were naked, because they technically already were naked.
“I want to come inside you,” said Rainbow Dash.
“Well, that completely subverts that trope,” said Sonic.
“I honestly didn’t see that coming,” said Jesus, as he was now unsure if he was aroused by this. He was.
“Neither will he!” said Rainbow Dash as she penetrated Sonic’s sweet anus with her massive horse clit.
“WHAT A PLEASANT YET CURIOUS TURN OF EVENTS!” Sonic moaned as his chili dawg became a foot long.
“Yeah, do that, but like… faster.” Jesus said as he reached into his tunic to fondle his holy relic.
“I’LL GET OFF IN TEN SECONDS FLAT!” yelled Sonic.
“I’ll take 20% longer!” cried Rainbow Dash.
“That’s approximately 12 seconds!” said Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness, redeemer of our Equestrian sin, tipper of strippers, popper of sick wheelies, and resident mathematician.
“OH YEAH!” Yelled Rainbow Dash as she began to unleash her kool aid into Sonic’s rectum roughly 12 seconds later.
“Got to go very quickly!” Sonic sez, cummin really hard all over the floor.
“Wow, you guys really are the fastest,” said Jesus Christ, who hadn’t gotten a chance to finish, but didn’t care because he liked edging anyway.
“We know!” Sonic said, because Rainbow fell asleep right away because sex is very hard and sometimes full of crying but not this time because Rainbow is a real man, becky im sorry I swear it was a one time thing.
“Okay, I think you guys can control the weather together now,” Jesus Christ said. “All I expect in return is that you always vape, always use your fidget spinners, and that you get me a new bike for christmas because that’s my birthday and my dad always forgets because he’s too busy getting high with Santa.”
“Bodacious!” Sonic said, lifting Rainbow in his strong masculine arms. “We will always vape, always use our fidget spinners, and we’ll get you a new bike for Christmas.”
“Good, then get out. I have some bitches who want to grind on my massive crosier, if you know what I mean,” Jesus said, winking both his eyes.
“Don’t forget your sweatpants!” said Sonic.
He then carried his new waifu Rainbow Dash’s sex commaed body out of the private room, leaving Jesus Christ, our lord and savior from the Prince of Darkness, redeemer of our Equestrian sin, tipper of strippers, popper of sick wheelies, and resident mathematician who wears sweatpants, to an evening of lap dancing luxury.
Praise be to him.
THE END
Author's Note
Okay. This is in jest. This is a farce. This is not to put down religion. This is not to put down sonic stories. This is a parody. I'm sorry. I genuinely intend for folks to laugh from this. I'm so sorry. Well, like, 20% sorry.
