Author's Note
This first chapter is a complete rework of a story I had begun writing before it. This is far closer to my original vision, much truer to the ideas I'm trying to convey. I hope it finds you well. I will be posting the companion story to this soon.
To The Blade
Starlight Glimmer chewed her upper lip. She was nervous, but for what? Twilight was her friend, Ponyville her home. There was nothing to be afraid of anymore. She didn’t control through power, rule through fear. No longer was she the tyrannical oppressor of innocents. Still a part of her felt out of place, a chunk of her heart that refused to beat its’ drum to the tempo of the present.
She was relaxing outdoors when this inexplicable wave of paranoia gripped her. It happened every now and then, a product of the life she lived before this point but it was happening with such a degree of frequency now that it stunned her, forcing her to sit entire days on the sidelines while she grappled with her demons.
That was why she called Twilight out today. She needed to talk to somepony and Twilight had a knack for being that perfect somepony. The Princess of Friendship had proven herself to be a shining beacon in Starlights life, time and time again. Even the arrival of Sunset Shimmer did not change that. If anything, it cemented Starlights worth in her own mind. There were many ponies like her, driven mad with power, and those that Twilight encountered had that madness dissolved and their ponyhood restored through the healing touch of magic.
But even the memory of that soothing feeling couldn’t smother the fire that was enveloping her mind. It threatened now to consume her thoughts entirely, so she let it. It was a trick that Celestia had taught her, actually. She remembered that conversation clearly.
“Princess, I’m scared sometimes. I get thoughts that are… Unbefitting of a friend of Twilights’. Sometimes my old self comes back to haunt me. What should I do? I never, ever want to go back there.”
“Sometimes, Starlight, the best thing you can do is fully accept those thoughts. Do not act on them and do not give them any legitimacy, but do not deny their presence in your mind. Even I am consumed by my demons on some days. To deny them would be to deny who I am, to deny how far I’ve come on my own journey, and that only builds their position in your mind. You must acknowledge your darkest parts if you are to ever see the light inside you.”
So she let the feelings she felt now wash over her. She felt guilty, like she had blood on her hooves. Had ponies died under her reign? She could not remember. It felt like it was so long ago, hidden behind the thick fog of traumatic memory. How funny that she should hide her own abuse behind a mental door. She dared herself to sink back into those days, to relive the violence she had perpetrated, but she could not.
Still, this guilt felt stronger than anything she had ever experienced. Even while alone, after Twilight and the Elements chased her out of town, she did not feel this wholly terrible. She was very remorseful during those days but this was different. It was as if she had snuffed out the sun itself, as if Equestria was singularly doomed by her own doing.
That wasn’t right, was it? What had she done? Why did she feel so guilty, so convinced of the criminality of her own life? As if summoned, Twilight teleported in beside her. It always surprised Starlight when she did that and this time was no different.
“You’re never going to get used to that, huh?”
“.... No, I’m not. I never really know when to expect it, you know?”
“Hmmm. I’m sure I could figure out some way to warn you ahead of time. I’ll have to check my books to see if there’s a spell for that. But discussing the issues inherent in teleportation isn’t why I’m here! You wanted to talk to me, right?”
“Yes, that’s right. I’ve been feeling pretty terribly emotionally recently and I just can’t figure out why. I feel so… guilty of something. I don’t know why I thought you might be able to help but it’s always nice to hear your voice.”
“Well, it makes sense to me that you’d feel guilty. Even now Sunset feels guilty for what she’s done and even if Trixie doesn’t show it all the time she feels the same way. It’s a sign of good conscience to feel guilty.”
“Yes, yes, I’m well aware of that. The issue here is that it’s a… special guilt. I’ve never felt this way before. It’s like I’ve done something terrible, something hidden to myself but known by everypony else. It’s almost like I’ve-”
╔═╗
║┼║
╚═╝
Starlights’ mouth quit working entirely as she became aware of her surroundings. Gone was the familiar location of Ponyville. Gone was the sun and the trees and the pleasant breeze through her mane. In it’s place was stale air and dirty cobblestone streets. They were surrounded on all sides by looming buildings that were ablaze. The fire offered no heat, no warmth to soothe the cold isolation spreading over her. They served only as towering monuments to the atrocities she had committed.
“Like you’ve killed the Princess? Eaten the sun itself? Yes, I can see why you’d feel that way. But can you see why you feel this way? Look at yourself, Starlight. Tell me what you see.”
She turned her head and saw herself for the first time since the change of locale and what she saw sent a spike of dread through her heart. She was splattered with blood, the shiny red liquid covering her horn and matted in her mane. Her hooves were slick with gore and she had memories of skulls fractured; bones crushed under the strength of her own body. Sat just behind her shoulders were powerful wings. Was she… an alicorn?
“I know what you’re thinking. ‘Why am I an alicorn? Where did this blood come from?’ Does the tiara on your head not serve as a reminder? What of this dark, this terrible pervasive night you’ve plunged us into? What do you have to say about that?”
“I’m not- I never-- I didn’t do this! It wasn’t me! Twilight, you have to believe me. Please, I would never-”
She felt hot, fresh blood spill down her forehead, stinging her eyes. She felt no remorse, no pity in her heart as she withdrew her horn from whatever fresh wound she had created. On the receiving end was one of Celestias’ royal guard, alabaster coat now red with his own blood. He was dead. She levitated his body some meters away, placing him down just 5 meters from the last corpse she had produced. Later on, when her prey finally showed itself, she would use these bodies as distance markers. She had quite a few spells that benefitted from well-judged distances.
“Really? Tell me, dear Starlight, whose wings did you tear from their owner as a trophy, a sign of your triumph? How did you prove your ascendancy?”
Starlight screwed her eyes shut, refusing to drink in any more carnage. She had seen enough. She knew who she was, who she was meant to be inside. It was no use, however, as Twilights’ magic forced her eyes to see that which she wished she couldn’t. In front of her was… Celestias’ corpse. It was broken, bloodied, charred in some places and missing chunks of flesh in others. She was split open, her organs nearly rendered into paste from the violence she experienced. She heard, felt a sickening rip as she pulled the wings from her lifeless body. She held them aloft in her magic, feeling a terrifying power wash over her. Now Equestria would know true darkness.
“Do you see now? Do you see what you’ve done? Do you understand who you are? If I was you, Starlight, I would end this all as quickly as possible. I would find myself, find my parents, and undo my creation before I ever have the chance to see the light of day. But we’ll see if you have the will to sacrifice yourself to save everypony else. If you ask me, I doubt you do.”
╔═╗
║┼║
╚═╝
This… vision disappeared as quickly as it came. To her left stood an anxious-looking Twilight Sparkle, that familiar look of concern plastered across her face.
“Starlight, are you okay? You haven’t said a word to me since I got here!”
Starlight couldn’t help but vomit. Once that initial panic had cleared her system she turned to face Twilight, a sickly look on her face. Here she recounted what she had just experienced, trying to avoid the more graphic details. Twilight grew increasingly worried as Starlight spoke, her face ending in a very hard look of controlled fear.
“Okay. Tomorrow you and I are going to talk to the Princesses. We’re going to figure out what this means and fix whatever needs fixing, okay? I promise.”
╔═╗
║┼║
╚═╝
When tomorrow came, her fears were made manifest. When she went to examine herself in the mirror, she found she had wings.
“Starlight? Starlight! You’ve been in bed for hours now! You missed pancake day!”
Shit. That was Spikes’ voice. She loved pancakes but you know what she loved more? Not having wings! What would Twilight think? What would the girls think? Sunset? Trixie? Luna? Celestia!? She had to get out. She had to find a way back to before this ever happen and… stop it. Time travel never really worked out but maybe this time it would be fine, right?
“I’m never leaving my room again Spike. Tell Twilight that.”
“I don’t have to. She’s right here.”
“Starlight?” Damn. “Starlight, please come out. Or at least let me in? I can’t help you with whatever you need help with if you’re stuck in there. Besides, Princess Celestia should be here any minute!”
“Oh that is NOT what I wanted to hear! You know? Fine. You can come in. I’m unlocking the door.”
She reached out and touched the bolt with her magic, sliding it back. Almost immediately Twilight rushed into the room. The concern on her face was quickly replaced with a sort of panic. Definitely didn’t help Starlights confidence.
“Sweet Celestia you have… wings. Where. Where did you get those?”
“Oh you know, the alicorn store opened up just down the road. That’s the reason I missed breakfast actually! Thought I’d drop by and pick myself a pair.” If the poison in Starlights tone didn’t convey how upset she was by all of this, the bitter scowl on her face certainly would.
“Right. Dumb question. I’m sorry. You don’t think it has anything to do with your… vision, does it?”
“I hope not! I’d rather not perform any regicide if I can avoid it!”
“Did somepony say regicide?”
Starlights blood ran cold at the voice that drifted through the room. It was Princess Celestia. She was HERE. NOW. Twilight was the first to respond.
“It’s… a long story.”
“I see. You have been touched by very powerful magic Starlight. The magic that creates alicorns is powerful, dangerous stuff. To become a princess so suddenly would no doubt trouble your morals a great deal. I believe this is what your vision was trying to show you.”
“So I shouldn’t take it so literally?”
“Quite on the contrary. You should treat your vision as an event that has not yet come to pass but very well may. I imagine it already has, in another reality. In that world I am dead and I have no doubt you are the monarch of the Equestrian Empire.”
“That… That doesn’t make me feel any better about this.”
“I’m sorry Starlight. I don’t mean to drag your mood down but I want you to understand how serious this all is. You’ve been presented with an incredible opportunity for positive change but the danger you’re in cannot be underestimated.”
“I understand Princess. I’m just scared. Really, really scared. You know me, at least a little bit. You know I don’t want to be anything other than a unicorn and a friend. I never asked for this. If I could give these wings away I would but I think I’m stuck with them.”
Celestias’ eyes were nothing if not sympathetic. There was a sadness there too, in the deepest part of those windows to the soul. It shimmered for just a moment before disappearing. “I’m afraid so. Don’t look so glum! I’m always here for you if you need to talk about anything at all. I’m afraid I have to take my leave for now. I have pressing matters to attend to.”
“Yeah, of course. Thanks for stopping by Princess. I’ll let you know if I need anything.”
With a blinding flash of light she was gone, leaving behind only the faint smell of roses. Twilight, who had been silent the entire time, turned her attention to Starlight.
“So. What do you think?”
“What do I think? I think I need to get the hell out of here. Like, for good.”
“No way! You’re staying right here in Ponyville and we’re going to figure this out.”
Starlight began to pace around the room, her restlessness betraying her anxiety at the situation. “Am I? Am I really? Because here’s what I think I should do. I think I should use my new-found princess powers or whatever to go back in time and kill myself before any of this ever happens. That sounds like a pretty good way to ‘figure this out’ to me.”
“Starlight, I’m not going to let you kill yourself. I’m not going to let you tamper with the timeline at all. Remember what happened last time you tried to play God? It didn’t work out too well!”
“Last time I was doing it with selfish intentions. This time it’s to stop myself from murdering the fucking SUN!” Starlights' heart burned and her eyes stung. Twilight just didn't get it, did she?
“You have no idea of knowing what chain of events lead to your vision! This could be what your alternate self wants.”
“You have no idea how ironic this is, do you?”
Twilight pressed her hoof to her head, screwing her eyes shut. Starlight could see she was getting frustrated. “What? I’m being serious here. You could--”
“You see, when I was having my vision you told me to kill myself. You told me it would be the best course of action. I agree with that Twilight a lot more than you right now.”
This left Twilight speechless. The Princess of Friendship cycled through a few visible emotions before her face settling into a sort of tired resignation. “If that’s how you feel I doubt there’s anything I can do to change that. Can you just please fucking listen to me? For the love of everything the sun touches, do NOT go back in time.”
That was it. Starlight had made up her mind. She nodded, closing her eyes. Strength welled in her chest and flowed to her horn. A shimmering barrier surrounded her for just a moment and then she was gone.
