Author's Note
This story was written shortly after the Season 3 finale, "Magical Mystery Cure." I didn't post it here at the time because I was embarrassed by how utterly incomplete it is. But embarrassment can only keep something contained for four and a quarter years, so it seems! I think it's funny--just don't expect more than three chapters.
Frame Device
Frames of Folly
A collection of comedic MLP oneshots.
"o/You've come... such a long, long way..." crooned Princess Celestia, immortal custodian of the heavens and the brightest figure in Twilight's life. "...And I've watched you... from that very first day... o/"
It was quite possibly the most intense peak experience of Twilight's life, and she'd had quite a few. She walked down a seemingly endless causeway of drifting images, each one highlighting a salient moment from the last few years. Her eyes were wide and her steps were light. Something =huge= was coming; she could feel it had been coming for a long time.
"o/` ...To see how you might grow... to see what you might do..."
In one of her history books, which she treasured for the fact that it included folklore she couldn't find anywhere else, Twilight had read a quotation stating that Celestia only sings very rarely―once every century or so, on average. When she does sing... you know something very, very special is about to happen.
"...To see what you've been through... and all the ways you've made me proud of you. o/`"
Twilight didn't know whether the folk wisdom was true, but she wanted to believe it. She raised her head and grinned, wanting very badly to believe it! Immersing herself in the wonder of the moment, Twilight gazed at a floating frame in which she and Pinkie Pie were in the library, wearing colorful umbrellas. While she vaguely recalled the occasion, her ordinarily meticulous mind failed to dredge up the details. Instead, Twilight just marveled at the scene's beautiful camaraderie; that was the measure of the immense awe she felt.
Pinkie Pie climbed from the frame, her smile gone and her body language nervous. As the earth pony leapt from the image of the library into the midst of the aquacyan starscape, she gasped, her hair poofing out even more wildly than usual and nearly dislodging her personal umbrella. But then she saw Twilight and regained her grin fully.
"Pinkie! What are you doing here?!" asked Twilight.
"Looking for you, silly! What are you doing here?! We thought you were dead!!" shouted Pinkie.
Twilight's mood was shattered into confusion. "Dead??"
Ahead, Princess Celestia was still striding. "o/` It's time now... for a new cha―" She stopped singing and looked back. "What is going on back th―Pinkie Pie?!"
"Hi, your Highness," said Pinkie humbly before turning back to Twilight. "Yes, dead! I mean, you did just make a bunch of huge energy beams go all SCHWoOooSH and EXPLODE into a poof of scorched air!! Poor Spike is crying his heart out! His only consolation is that you didn't explode twice, but I'm not sure how much that helps!"
"Oh no! Princess―is that true?"
Celestia didn't seem happy at her song having being interrupted, but she also looked aggrieved. "It's certainly possible. I'll go and let them know you're unharmed, Twilight. Don't... go through any... major changes without me."
Twilight stood baffled. "Major changes? What are you―"
"Pinkie Pie?" requested Celestia. "Please keep Twilight distracted until I get back."
"Will do!" chimed Pinkie.
With that, Celestia concentrated for a moment and vanished into a whirlwind of gentle white smoke, leaving no trace.
"Now that's the classy way to disappear!" announced Pinkie Pie. "Nopony would mistake that for a grisly death. You could learn something from Princess Celestia!"
"I do," replied Twilight reverently. "I learn from her as much as I can."
"I mean, I guess the fact that your explosion mark looked just like your cutie mark helped. It made Rarity think you might be okay after all. But I've never really seen anypony explode before. Maybe EVERYPONY leaves a scorch mark shaped like their cutie mark when they explode! That's a kind of horrible thought when you think about it. It's like―BAM! Instant headstone!"
Twilight winced. "Do they really think I died, Pinkie?"
"Well, Fluttershy said she was sure you were all right, but I'm not sure she was really was sure!" Pinkie pranced up onto her hindlegs, leaning against a moving image as it passed. "I think it might have been one of those things that ponies just SAY! I know how that feels. I just say stuff all the time."
Twilight resisted the urge for a bon mot. "But how did you get here, Pinkie?"
"The same way you did! I mean, kind of. I stood the same way you were standing, and read the same spell you read, and I tried to make it sound just as meaningful as you did, only it didn't quite work, probably 'cause I'm not a unicorn, and all these weird windows went sailing by." She waved a hoof at the two rows of images across from her. "Only they were all backwards, and their colors were all reversed, so I was, like, this icky dark green, and Applejack was sad and blue, and you don't want to KNOW what Fluttershy―"
"You cast a spell, Pinkie?!"
"Well, I think I kind of used the leftover energy from your spell, really! I mean I can't think what else it could be because I totally haven't been reading forbidden books on how to redirect earth pony magic into traditional talent-based magical channels ever since I moved to Ponyville! I tend to read comics, instead!"
Twilight blinked. "So... so what did you do, then?"
"Well, I had Rainbow give me a boost and I climbed through! And then I was SO glad to see you safe and sound that I forgot to be amazed at how fantabulously AMAZING this place is!!" The pink mare twirled around, bouncing off one of the frames. "LOOK at all these pictures! There's me! And there's you! And there's me again! All the ones we saw in the library were pictures of the library, but here you've got pictures of, like everything we've ever done!"
"I know! It's incredible, isn't it?!"
Pinkie looked frightened. "Do you suppose we might really be dead, Twilight? I mean... this place isn't like anyplace I ever saw. What are all these glowing things? Are these supposed to be stars? Stars aren't supposed to look like this!"
"I think it's the Twilight Realm," said Twilight. "When I was a very young filly, I used to have dreams something like this. A place where it's never day, and never night... but the stars are close... always close around you." She turned to regard the panorama with reverence.
"And this floor! exclaimed Pinkie, stepping with diagonal pairs of legs. "It's totally invisible and I can't even feel anything! What are we even walking on?"
"I don't know!" admitted Twilight. "But I don't think we're dead, Pinkie. Princess Celestia told me I'd done something that had never been done before."
Pinkie gasped. "Maybe you did explode twice!!"
"Or... or maybe by finishing Starswirl the Bearded's spell, I was able to perform a spell that had never been done before." That seemed a lot more satisfying to Twilight.
"Could be!" chirped Pinkie. "I wonder what's keeping the princess!"
"Maybe the others have a lot of questions," said Twilight, pacing along the causeway. "I know I do." She happened to glance at her own shadow. "Wait. Why does my shadow have wings?"
Pinkie pronked straight up. "TWILIGHT!! Stop noticing things! Princess Celestia told me to distract you, remember?"
"Yes, but why? Is there something I'm not supposed to―"
"OATMEAL!!" shouted Pinkie. Twilight stared at her. Pinkie stared back, eyes bugged. Twilight continued to stare.
"Um. Well, you've done it. You were so completely Pinkie just now that I forgot what we were talking about."
Pinkie beamed with pride. "Thanks, Twilight! I think you're super-duper too! Oh hey! While we're waiting for Princess Celesti-besti to get back, how about we watch some of these moving picture thingies?"
"Sure!" agreed Twilight. "I get the feeling I'm supposed to reflect on all the seminal moments of my life. Which may indicate that I've reached the endpoint of a major arc of personal development, meaning that Princess Celestia is about to―"
"Hey Twilight, look at this! I can bend these things!" Sure enough, Pinkie had seized one of the floating frames and was flopping it back and forth like a flimsy baking sheet.
"Pinkie, I don't think you're supposed to do that!"
"Oh, no? Then how come it changes what's going on in the scene? Look, here's you getting out of the balloon on your first day in Ponyville!" Pinkie flexed the frame back and forth. "See? Train... no train! Train... no train! The ground even changes colors!"
Twilight frowned. "Did they have the train yet in Ponyville when I arrived? I don't remember."
"I wonder what other fun stuff I can do!" exulted Pinkie, grabbing another frame and whirling it around a central fulcrum. It spun in space with a clacking sound, eventually landing more or less upside-down. The ponies walking on what was now the ceiling of Town Hall collapsed to what was now the floor with a collective whooof. "Oops," said Pinkie. "Oh well, I think it looks better that way!"
"Pinkie, I really don't think―" said Twilight, walking over.
"Aw, Twilight, don't be such a sourpony. We've got to pass the time somehow!" Pinkie's face poinked with sudden inspiration. "I know! Let's watch every single one of them in order, except we'll shake them up and see what happens!"
Twilight sighed. "Well, if you insist..." She had to admit she was curious whether these floating images had any lessons for her... and whether they could survive Pinkie's enthusiasm.
Deconstructing the Title Screen
[/+]
[+/]
"Wait―what is THIS one?" asked Twilight.
Pinkie came hopping over. "OOH! It's words." She squinted, turned her head sideways, turned her body sideways, twisted her head the rest of the way around until it was right-side-up again, and read: "My little pony, friendship is magic."
"I can see what it says, Pinkie! But why is it here?"
"And more importantly, why is it purple?"
Twilight blinked. "The background, you mean? It's orchid. Like my coat."
"So I suppose it's all about YOU, huh?" demanded Pinkie.
"Look around!" said Twilight, gesturing to the pictures from her life surrounding them. "In this place, it is all about me."
Pinkie untwisted herself, unperturbed. "And why are there little hearts inside the 'P' and the 'O'?"
"Well, why not? Love is a part of friendship, after all. But what does 'My little pony' mean?"
"That is weird. Whose pony is it talking about? Celestia's? Everypony is little compared to her!"
Twilight swallowed. "If that's true, it would have to be me. But am I... does she really see me as hers?"
"Maybe it's advice!" suggested Pinkie. "She's talking to her little pony―you―and telling you, hey Twilight, just a heads up―friendship is magic!!"
Twilight frowned. "Or it could be a title. It looks something like a movie's title screen."
"But it's in color!"
"They can make title screens in color, Pinkie! They just don't usually bother because the rest of the movie is in black and white." She chewed her lip, pondering. "The second part could be a subtitle."
"A what-whitle?"
"A subtitle! A second title less important than the main one! My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic."
Pinkie frowned and shook her head violently as if to clear out the gook. "Say that again, Twilight?"
Twilight repeated herself carefully. "My Little Pony: Friendship Is Magic."
Pinkie leapt to her hooves with a scrambling of legs. "I thought so! You pronounced all the words with capital letters! Even the word 'is'!"
"I... I did?"
"Yes you so did! But Twilight, even I can see that that 'is' has a lowercase 'i'."
Twilight squinted and looked closer. "It does?"
"Of course! Look how tiny it is!"
"But that doesn't prove anything! Small letters can still be uppercase!"
"And pigeons can grow up to be pegasi, except that they CAN'T!!" cried Pinkie, waving her forelegs. "Get realistic, Twilight! That 'i' is a shrimp! It's never going to make anything of itself!"
"But the words are all different sizes, Pinkie! Their size doesn't matter!"
Pinkie cuddled against Twilight. "That's very sweet of you to have hope for letters less fortunate than yourself. I stand corrected! But come on, Twilight! It has a dot over it. Everyone knows only little baby 'i's come with dots!"
Twilight tilted her face, looking at the image further. "But Pinkie, all the other 'I's have dots, too! Does that mean they're all lowercase?"
"Why not? When I was going through my loud phase in school, I used to spell my name 'PiNKiE PiE'!"
"I can't tell how you spelled it just from hearing you say it, Pinkie!"
Pinkie screwed her hoof in her ear squeakily. "You can't? Huh. I've gotta practice! But anyway, yes those are little 'i's and I don't KNOW what they're doing hanging out with all those capital letters!"
"Regardless," Twilight pointed out, "in a title you capitalize everything except for small articles and prepositions. And 'Is' is a verb! So it's capitalized!"
"Except it ISN'T! Because it has a DOT!"
"The dots are cosmetic!" objected Twilight. "This typeface clearly includes uppercase 'I's with dots for some reason."
"Well, you can't prove it's not little," groused Pinkie. "It's a teeny-tiny letter in a teeny-tiny word and it has a DOT OVER IT!! Even if the big 'I's have dots too, it's still probably a small one."
"But that wouldn't adhere to the accepted standards of capitalization!" countered Twilight.
"THEN WHY IS THE WORD 'my' IN LOWERCASE LETTERS?!?" yelled Pinkie.
Twilight looked again. "...You're right. The first word is the only word in small letters. But that's a complete perversion of the rules of orthography!"
"Exactly," said Pinkie triumphantly. "Whoever wrote this doesn't care about the rules. That's why it has little 'i's everywhere."
"So does that mean you think the 's' in the word 'is' is lowercase as well?" challenged Twilight.
"Well, if 'my' can be completely small, why can't 'is'?"
"Because... Gaahh!" Twilight smacked her forehead in frustration. "But it looks just like the big 'S' in 'Friendship'!"
'Are you suuure that's a big 'S'?" asked Pinkie. "You didn't pronounce it like a big 'S'!"
Twilight stared. "All the other letters are clearly capitals, except for the 'I's."
"Unless it's like you said and they only can look one way!"
"You mean if this typeface only has one case? ...I suppose." She pondered for a few moments before another realization struck. "But then the 'E' in 'Friendship' should look like the 'E' in 'Little'! And it clearly doesn't!" She banged her hoof triumphantly on the invisible floor, making no sound whatsoever. "They're not even close! The 'Friendship' 'E' has serifs, and the 'Little' 'E doesn't!"
"It has what?"
"Serifs!"
"Gesundheit!"
"Pinkie, I wasn't sneezing."
"Neither was I! I was just proving that I can make up words, too!"
Twilight chewed on air for a few seconds. "...No, I mean the little strokes at the end of the main strokes. The 'E' in 'Little isn't even flared."
"So that just means they're in different typefaces or whatever, just like the gigantic "PONY" with the hearts, and the Y with a huge tail like a spider monkey!"
"If they're just in different typefaces," retorted Twilight triumphantly, "why does the 'i' in 'Little' have a dot?!"
Pinkie blinked. "So you're saying it's more than a typeface thing? It's, like, a whole stylistic thingamijummer?"
"Exactly," nodded Twilight. "The 'dotness' of the 'i' glyph transcends typeface in this image. It's a conceptual choice, possibly representing the subordination of the self, i.e. 'I', to the entirety of the structure, in accordance with the concept of the pony being framed as something 'little' and with the overall message of friendship's importance over the supremacy of the self!"
"Sooo... that's why the 'i's are all little?"
"It's why they look little, Pinkie! But really, they're just as uppercase as any of the other letters! It would be ridiculous to spell words in all caps except for a particular letter, but it would make sense to make a conscious choice to portray the particular letter standing for the self in a style resembling its small form in order to convey a theme-specific message of humility!!"
Twilight stood panting after delivering this outburst in a rush. Pinkie slowly raised her leg to the upper right corner of the image.
"There's a letter we missed up here," she pointed out. "What does this tiny little 'R' in a circle mean?”
Twilight stared. Something about that 'R' felt profoundly wrong.
“And what about this 'TM' down here?” added Pinkie. “Is that 'Too Much'?"
Twilight stood troubled for a few seconds. And then: "You know, Pinkie, you're right. I think we have spent Too Much time looking at this one."
"Okey-dokey-loki!" agreed Pinkie, whirling her tail and hopping blithely off to the next image.
Author's Note
I do think that it should be "Friendship Is Magic" and "FIM," but I eventually bowed to consensus and started styling both the title and initialism with a lowercase 'i'. I wrote an interactive novel called "What Is Best?" so maybe this detail matters more to me than most?
From here, the duo goes on to watch the events of the Season 1 episode "Owl's Well That Ends Well" unfold, which remarking on the silly things about it. But I somehow managed to lose the document for that chapter! Silly me. If you want, you can find the story by this title at fanfiction.net and read Chapter 3 there. However, none of the other planned 64 chapters will ever be written, since I've moved on--talk about biting off more than you can chew! Sorry!
