Lily Valley was hungry, on account of it being 4:38 in the afternoon and her having not eaten anything yet. Mind you, she woke up at two, so that wasn't so bad. Her sleep schedule as of late had been pretty messed up since she was working the graveyard shift at the Flowers 4 Less distribution center in Evergreen park, a new satellite town of Ponyville cleared out of the Everfree. Land was cheap there on account of nopony wanting to live on former Everfree forest land, and yet it was in a good centralized location, and being built from scratch, possessed wide open streets and modern train lines and a generous riverside harbor and even an experimental space port built with eyes pointed forward towards the future. Nopony used the spaceport though, because ponies didn't have rocket ships yet, and indeed wouldn't for another twenty three years. Anyway, the cheap land and extensive infrastructure encouraged companies such as eHay and WhinnyCo1 to build large distribution wearhouses there.
1It was at this point while trying to think of a second pony store pun, I went on a 14 hour Wikipedia binge. I'm not going to lie, it was pretty brutal. Anyway, WinCo is employee-owned and has low prices, so you should shop there instead of Walmart. I'm picking this up almost a week later.
However, Evergreen park was a pretty shitty place to get food. Sure there were a few fast food joints, but they all were the types that have like 1 and a half-star reviews on Yelp. Or whatever the pony version of yelp is. Whinny? Anyway yeah, nothing to write home about. Lily Valley had a hankering for that really cheap, really nasty, but still amazingly good Chineighs food. The problem was, Lily Valley ate meat. She just really fucking liked eating meat. It was kind of an open secret and she felt shameful about it, like being gay in the eighties2.
2In America. Not in Equestria, where nopony gives a flying fuck who you want to bang because ponies aren't basic regressive shitlords with a shitty fucked up hypocritical pathetic excuse for a moral compass like American conservatives are. God I can't wait for all the fucking baby boomers to die out so we can finally get some fucking socialism going on here and move into the twenty first century finfuckingally. It's 2017 people still fucking think Sky Daddy cares who you love oh and also fuck the poor like seriously how fucking regressive are you. Seriously, can't wait for all the old-as-fuck conservatives to die off, hopefully before the combination of mass automation and lack of universal basic income doesn't render almost the entire millennial generation even more destitute than it already is. I'm eight-thousand dollars in debt, twenty-five, and my job (Lyft driver) will be taken over by self driving cars within five years. So yeah, I'm angry and fucked and oh also Global warming is only going to fuck us over more every year but we still have hundreds of millions of people who laugh it off as some liberal conspiracy like seriously fuck you I hope you facefuck a bear shark, you malodorous cyst. Your shitty generation could have worked together to fight climate change but instead you gave us Reagan and Clinton. Go jump off a carpark and do us all a favor.
Ahem.
While there were a few meat-serving restaurants in Canterlot, they mostly catered to griffon and hippogryph cuisine. Which is probably like the equivalent to Slavic earth food or something. I'm not sure really, I'm not taking this world-building that seriously. The point is that she needed to go to earth to get that super dank orange chicken and broccoli beef, none of this pusillanimous tofu crap.
Lili Valley had a reason for this though. She required a lot more calories and protein than most ponies. This is because Lily Valley wasn't a pony.
Lily Valley was a robot3.
Dun. Dun. Dun!
3What's a robot, you ask? Hold on, lemme find a picture on Derpibo...
Oh. Oh my. I... uh...
I'll be right back.
.
..
...
Eh, sorry about that.
Anyway, Lily Valley was a robot. This was her dark secret, except unlike the meat eating thing, it actually was a secret. The only person who know what she actually was was her long distance lover, 🦊 Mc☁️ (Fox McCloud). But that's another shitty crossover for another time. So yeah, that's party of why she liked greasy food so much, all the oil helped lubricate her joints. And other parts of her body. Oh my. So after doing her morning (well, afternoon, technically) maintenance and debugging routine, she decided she would head to the human world to get some greasy Chineighs fast food. Her specific mark was none other than Twin Panda Bowl in Garden Grove, California, on Harbor just south of the the 22 freeway.
Mmmm, yep, that's the one. Honestly if you're ever in Orange County you should visit. It's not mind blowing; it's just really good at what it does. And you get a free drink. How fly is that?
Now, getting to the human world is not easy. I'm not talking about the Equestria girls world. I'm talking about the actually human world, like the one you and I live in. In fact, it's impossible, because Equestria isn't real4.
4Sorry about that. Your waifu doesn't exist. But your taste in imaginary horses to masturbate to is probably shit anyway, so no great loss. I mean seriously, what sort of fucking loser jerks off to Fluttershy? You, apparently. But hey, who am I to talk? I haven't had a girl friend in six years, so don't judge lest you be judged and all that, I guess? You sick fuck.
Since Lily couldn't actually visit the human world, She would have to make do with visiting an imaginary version of it, using the power of words. So she hit up (the imaginary pony version of) Super Trampoline. "Yo, write a story where I get some yummy Chinese food!" Super Trampoline smiled. Ponies rarely asked him to write stuff. Usually they were begging him to stop writing things, so awful were his creations. But Lily Valley was desperate. She really craved that amazing orange 🍗 . Broccoli 🐮 sounded pretty great too. Fuck, now I'm hungry too. Well, I know where I'm going for dinner.
Since this imaginary version of the human world was just as imaginary as Lily, she was able to throw off the chains of being a cartoon character and visit this fantastic human world, full of imaginary people, imaginary dying coral reefs, imaginary mountains, imaginary global warming and imaginary mass species extinction and habitat loss. Okay this is getting depressing. Anyway, there was a door 🚪 near the Everfree Forest that when opened, if one truly believed in their dreams, would grant passage to anything imaginable. Filled with flower 🌺 ~~pony~~ robot joy, Lily galloped off towards the door as quickly as her metallic hooves would take her. Which was pretty fast, honestly. Equestria's secret robot technology was surprisingly robust.
Lily galloped towards this door with all her might and flung herself into it, specifically her shoulder. Luckily for her, the door wasn't really strong, and being an earth pony, she was. She flew into the door, but did not end up on the other side of it still in Equestria. No, she ended up on...
Human Earth!
As a giant truck!
Wow, what a surprise!
Author's Note
Tune in next time as her quest for Chinese fast food continues! I gotta go eat then exercise then shower then finally get the fuck to work!
Okay, Now I'm ACTUALLY a Truck
BOOM! She was a truck, in the Human world! In one of the industrial lots in northern Artesia. Like maybe along the Artesia road itself north of the Five freeway right on the border of Orange and LA County where the 5 transitions from having a bunch of lanes on the OC side and having a bunch of construction on the LA side. She was a truck because she was a robot, and those mirror portal things always make for weird transitions. Like, what would happen if a hippogryph went through the mirror portal? We'll never know because hippogryphs don't actually exist. But rather than look like a Transformer in a crappy Michael Bay movie that critics panned but still did excellently at the box office, especially in the foreign market (big action explosion movies lose less in translation than a small scale dramatic period piece, and thus tend to do really well in markets like China.)
Anyway, she didn't look like that. For though she had a truck body, she also had pink pony legs in place of wheels, and a face seemlessly plastered onto or perhaps in place of the front of the cab. What a queer sight. What a fantastical chimera of pony and machine!
Lilly landed with a bang and the ground shock beneath the weight of the truck pony. Ten tons of ~~flesh~~she's a robot remember. Ten tons of gears and pistons and servos and steel.
Being a more modern robot pony truck, Lily had internal GPS, and like a homing pigeon, after a few seconds of searching the internet which was seemlessly integrated into her mind like a transhumanist's wet dream, knew exactly where Twin Panda Bowls was. Thus having her destination at hoof, she sprang into action, galloping down one of those roads that is really wide but only has two lanes so that trucks can make their wide turns into warehouse lots and the like. She screeched to a stop at a stop sign, knowing what it was intuitively through her web-integrated mind despite never previously having seen one before. But I mean, let's be honest, it's a fucking stop sign; it's pretty self-explanatory. However, a regular horse might not know that this stop sign is not a permanent injunction, but rather a merely temporary impedance.
Click clack pound pound!, her large mechanical fore and aft legs pounding in graceful gallops down the street. Drivers sat there mouths agape, some peeing themselves in terror. A giant fucking truck pony was kind of slightly gracefully bounding down the street. People were starting to freak out and crash and get out of their cars and other things not conducive to the flow of traffic. But then Lily valley remembered this was all imaginary and so she imagined all the traffic flowing at the perfect speed and density and she bounded and I'm using that word a lot and bounded down the five freeway and it was really fucking majestic like look I'm going to just crib from Miazaki here. It looked like this, except as a pony truck instead of a cat bus:
...
Okay Studio Ghibli must be real copyright hardasses because I can't find the catbus on youtube. So here's a link to the great My Neighbor Totoro catbus scene on Vimeo: https://vimeo.com/15166847
Anyway, She bounded (fuck I got to stop using that word) down the freeway to Garden Grove for about twenty minutes and then she got there and got off at Harbor Boulivard and turned into the strip mall parking lot. and she had Chinese food and it was delicious, the End!
Author's Note
