Based on a great animation by clopician on Derpibooru: #1498793 warning pic is NSFW

Chapter 1 - Awkward Research

Sunlight filtered in through a small gap in the thick curtains, slowly tracing down a crystal headboard and across the forehead of a cutely snoring, purple pony princess.

Twilight's eyes fluttered open from the brightness as she rolled onto her tummy with an adorable yawn and a cat-like stretch of her back and wings before she leapt from her bed. Twilight had always been a light sleeper and quick to rise, despite her night-owl tendencies. This tendency to cheerfully and immediately tackle the day's challenges was always much to the chagrin of her two housemates, Spike and Starlight Glimmer, who often had to be dragged from their warm beds and forced to drink several cups of coffee, before they could even respond with anything beyond a grunt or grumble.

This was the case now as Twilight skipped about her crystal castle's kitchen table, as a groggy Starlight struggled with her bed-tousled mane and a half-asleep Spike nearly slumped into his bowl of bejeweled cereal. It was about to get worse for our tired pair: Twilight was about to sing.

It's contingency day!
It's contingency day!
No time to play...
There are plans to weigh...
Fears to allay...
Our worries to slay...

Twilight paused her prancing, annoying solo and gestured to Starlight, intending to throw her a chance to inject a line. Unable to access the music of harmony in her exhausted state, the unicorn improvised. "Uh... Yaayyyy?" she groaned out.

With an annoyed look and a raised eyebrow, she turned toward Spike, hoping that he would fare better. Spike sighed and rubbed his eyes, taking his time before singing in a falsetto, "Twilight Sparkle is cray-crayyyyy!"

Huffing in frustration, Twilight stopped her gallivanting to lift a heavy crate filled with scrolls and folders onto the table. "Come on, guys! This is important! Today we update and formulate our plans in case of any disaster scenario! We only do this once a month! I was hoping we could do a review of everything that's happened in the past few years."

Spike rolled his eyes as he poked at his food. "I thought we did that last month... didn't we have a whole bullet point list about how to prevent ponies from time travelling to disrupt Rainbow Dash's original sonic rainboom?" Glimmer paused her magical hair arrangement to blush and grimace and the reminder of her not too distant past.

Twilight responded immediately, oblivious to her friend's discomfort. "No Spike, last month was plans in case any of our friends decide to try to destroy all of Equestria inadvertently... we just used that scenario because we knew it was plausible."

Starlight Glimmer groaned, pushing back from the table. "Sheesh! Alright already... let's just get this over with Spike." She lifted the crate in a magical cloud of energy and stomped off toward the castle library which throwing her head back with exasperation.

About an hour later, as Starlight poured through the various archived letters to Celestia, entries in the Friendship Journal, and Twilight's memoirs which documented so much of the Twilight's past adventures, she gave out the same sigh. "I don't know, Twilight... going through all of this stuff, it's incredible! ...but I think you've actually got most of this covered."

Twilight looked up from the spool of magical thread that Rarity had used to unlock her portion of the crystalline friendship box. "There must be something we've missed... even I'm not that OCD."

Starlight hummed thoughtfully while inspecting a sample of a changeling cocoon before absentmindedly responding "actually Twilight, obsessive-compulsive disorder is characterized by intrusive unwanted thoughts that cause high anxiety that must be alleviated through compulsion... as a layman, I'd give you more of a narcissistic neurotic perfectionist tendency with elements of compensating for a past anti-social personality disorder... er- I mean..." Starlight caught herself rambling as she looked up at Twilight, who was staring at her with a slack-jaw.

The princess's wings ruffled in anger. "WHAT? I'm the princess of freakin' friendship Starlight, I am not compensating for anything! And talk about calling the kettle black, I'm a narcissist!? You almost caused an apocalypse because a filly-hood friend moved away!"

"Girls, girls!" Spike moaned, plugging his ears at their squabbling. "Hold on a second, what's this?" Spike reached down, opening a cardboard box originally from MacGuffin's Muffins, re-purposed for storage. Opening the cardboard flap with the prominent MACGUFFIN label, he extracted an empty intricate glass flask, which seemed strangely familiar.

Twilight knocked Spike over as she rushed to snatch the ornate glass container from his claws. "Zecora's potion of Alicorn Memory Observation! How could I have forgotten! We need to brew up a fresh batch, it could prove instrumental in so many situations!"

"Really?" Spike asked with a raised eyebrow, "seems like its a pretty random and specific purpose... why would Zecora even have that potion? And couldn't you just ask Luna or Celestia about the past if you had to?"

"No Spike, what if they've forgotten... or are captured... or they become Nightmare Moon or Day Breaker?" Twilight mused as she trotted toward the spells section of the library.

"I dunno, Twilight... Spike's right, this is pretty situational... and wouldn't you just need to get Zecora to give you another flask?" Glimmer asked, following her teacher.

"Back then, when I asked her, she told me it was a potion from her ancient collection. She had no idea where it came from... or how to brew it." Twilight began pulling down dusty tomes on potions and concoctions.

Starlight muttered under her breath, "she probably had no idea what it did either... it was probably just a hallucination drug... crazy zebra..."

"Did you say something, Starlight?"

The unicorn chuckled nervously, "I said, how can you hope to re-make it then?"

"Please Starlight, I'm the Princess of Magic... I can handle a little potion brewing." Twilight bragged, opening various books about her and scanning them for information.

"Uh... I thought you were the princess of friendship?" Glimmer asked with a smirk.

"And friendship is magic, my young student!" Twilight chuckled, patting her on the head.

Glimmer wanted to remind Twilight they were the same age, and that the fact 'friendship is magic' didn't mean that 'all magic is friendship' but once Twilight got into her teaching mode, there was little to knock her off her high horse, so to speak. Instead, she rolled her eyes and levitated a book over to her table, saying with a sigh, "let's just get this over with..."

Hours later

"Found it! I can't believe it!" Starlight shouted, from within the fortress-like book-fort she had assembled out of books that had proved fruitless.

"What!? Really?" Twilight shouted from within her own, more elaborate and expansive book-palace. "Where did you find it?"

"In the ancient scrolls section, the one where the scrolls were so tattered they had to transcribe them into a new book." Glimmer shouted back.

"Treasured Treatises Tattered Tomes? Which volume?" Twilight asked, crossing her book-palace's moat.

"Volume IV! It was all in Olde Equestrian language, I had to use a translation spell on it first..." Glimmer pulled a cord, retracting the book-portcullis gate so she could meet Twilight half-way.

Starlight plunked the book down on a nearby library table, carefully scanning the text of the ancient instruction recipe for brewing the potion.

"So? Do you think that we'll be able to brew it?" Twilight said excitedly, looking excitedly at her student's face for clues on whether it would be good news or not. She saw Glimmer's cheeks begin to get rosy pink as her eyes went wider and wider. Within a few moments Starlight Glimmer's usually light-pink face was a burning red, Twilight could almost see the steam shooting out of her ears. "Well? Why are you getting so embarrassed? If you're having trouble understanding the text or the instructions and need me to help you, its nothing to be ashamed abou-"

"Semen." Starlight Glimmer murmured, looking up at her mentor.

"Uh... excuse me?" Twilight asked with a raised eyebrow, glad that Spike had gone to bed a few hours earlier.

Starlight's hoof covered her muzzle as she tried and failed to contain her laughter, which she then poured out uproariously, tears streaming down her cheeks. "*Pfftt* H-ha ha! S-semen! It translates... ha ha! It translates to semen! The main ingredient-t *pftttt*... haaah... in the p-potion you drank! HAHAHAHA was unicorn semen!"

"What." Twilight deadpanned.

Glimmer was rolling on the floor now. "Hahaha, you know Twilight! Cum. Jizz. Splooge. Stallion-gravy. Baby batter. Foal fluid. Liquid protei-"

"ENOUGH" Twilight stuck her tongue out in disgust. "I... drank... somepony's... ejcaulate?" Twilight couldn't help but look at the empty vial, imagining a virile stallion... spurting... into it, and her proceeding to drink it afterward... her wings slowly extended to being fully spread.

Glimmer wiped tears from her eyes as she sat back up, catching her breath. "Ahh... don't worry Twilight, at least you didn't have to buy him dinner...BWAHAHAHA" She thumped the grumpy purple pony's back jokingly before breaking back out in laughter.

Twilight rolled her eyes, before getting a nasty look on her face. "Well Starlight, since you find this so funny... I think you should be in charge of collecting the ingredients to make up the new batch."

Starlight stopped laughing, immediately. Twilight could see the gears in her mind turning as she realized what that implied. Starlight quickly looked back to the scroll, reading the remainder of the passage. Letting out a deep sigh of relief, followed instantly by a look of confusion and bemusement.

"Actually Twilight... according to the scroll... it says: 'the seed of a magically-powerful, virile, unicorn (must be extracted directly by an alicorn'... there are even more rules, but only you could do it." Glimmer pushed over the book, offering it Twilight to read in case she didn't believe her.

Twilight's wings snapped even more erect and the blush on her face was redder than Big Mac's coat. "G-great... how could this get any worse?"

Starlight winced as she thought to herself: 'she just had to tempt fate with that phrase'. Sighing, she pointed out a particular phrase on the scroll to Twilight, who quickly cast the translation spell herself and read it aloud.

"Extraction requirement VII: the unicorn must be KINDRED with the extracting alicorn?!" Twilight's brain froze, requiring a total reboot as she stared blankly into space, her jaw hanging open, her wings out wide, her face burning in embarrassment.

Starlight Glimmer waved a hoof in front of Twilight's unresponsive face... "Uh, Twilight? Should I send a letter to Shining Armor?"

Twilight snapped back to reality, trying to banish thoughts of her naked brother from her mind. "N-NO!"

Starlight made a bit of a bemused face at, before going on slowly. "So... Night Light? Ew, Twilight..."

Twilight fell over in shock as Starlight had injected even more unpleasant imagery. "WHAT THE BUCK STARLIGHT!? So gross... my dad!? Come on!"

"Well!? It says kindred. Who else is there?"

Twilight picked herself up, and thought for a moment before replying. "The princesses."

"Uh... I think that they're missing a critical piece of equipmen-" Starlight began to joke, before Twilight shut her antics up with a hoof to her muzzle.

"Quiet. I need to talk with the princesses."

Author's Note

Hey everyone!

I had promised to myself that I would stay away from the keyboard for a while, but I couldn't help it!

So... this one is going to be a bit of a different theme... a little more comedy and randomness, and only a few, short chapters! No more 10K+ chapters (on this story, at least)!

Let me know if you enjoy, comments and feedback drive how quickly I end up working on these clopfics!

Hope you enjoy!