Based on a great animation by clopician on Derpibooru: #1498793 warning pic is NSFW

Chapter 2 - Awkward DiscussionsA grumpy, tired, lavender coated Alicorn stumbled away from the Canterlot train station. Clearing her bleary eyes after a prolonged yawn, she shambled toward the royal castle, her eyes half-shut and her neck sore.

The piercing train whistle of the departing friendship express jarred Twilight from this groggy stumbling state and caused her to let out a beleaguered sigh. She'd had the most fitful nap on the long train ride: her dreams were plagued by visions of her brother and father holding all manner of phallic objects... balloons, tofu hot-dogs, bananas... which dream-Twilight would then proceed to stroke sensually.

Twilight's wings extended slightly and her face burned brightly as she remembered these recent, Freudian dreams. She tried shaking her head violently, as if she could expel the unwanted visions by force.

"Bad dreams?" Starlight Glimmer asked, as she trotted up on Twilight's left with her recently retrieved luggage.

Twilight sighed and looked over at her student and friend. "You too, Starlight?"

Starlight chuckled and shook her head, "Hay no! I dreamt I was at the Ponyville Spa, getting a massage from a cute tan and orange-maned unicorn, he had adorable white streaks in his coat and was a little nerdy, but still... so hot..." She sighed, looking dreamily at the sky.

"What, like... Sunburst?" Twilight asked, as she tried to picture a stallion with those features.

Starlight paused for a moment to consider, before a deep blush covered her face as she realized that was exactly who she'd been dreaming of. "N-no! Not like Sunburst! More like... uh... a different unicorn... that looks like... Sunburst... kinda." She chuckled nervously, as she looked away from Twilight.

Twilight smirked and shook her head. It appeared that her student had a little crush. "You know what Luna says Glimmer," Twilight teased while lecturing, "there is hidden truth in the dream realm."

Glimmer groaned before poking Twilight back, "So what was in your dream then?"

Twilight bristled with an audible *eep* as her wings snapped out rigidly. "N-nothing! Dreams are actually pretty meaningless... Luna really is not as up to speed on the modern science of psychology. In fact she's a bit of a quack when it comes to hypnology."

"Oh, truly? Twilight Sparkle?" A familiar voice questioned from behind her. As they'd chatted, they'd made good time and come right up to the antechamber to the Princesses' throne room. Unfortunately, that same chatting also meant that they did not hear the hoof-falls of the beautiful, midnight blue, regal princess of the night.

With a disgruntled huff, Luna stepped into a very flustered Twilight Sparkle's personal space. "I braved the dreamscapes of your so-called 'scientific' psychologists' great-grand sires' ancestors. I have more knowledge of the nocturnal aethereum in my croup than every scientific pedant together."

Twilight bumped up against the wall, trapped, as Luna pressed the issue and advanced right up into her face. "So do not presume to disrespect my mastery of the night realm simply because you are afraid to confront the implication of your recent hypno-symbolic masturbatory servicing of thine patriarch and brother." Luna finished with a sniff.

Starlight Glimmer pointed at Twilight with her hoof as a smile bloomed across her features. "I KNEW IT!" Glimmer shouted before bursting out in rollicking laughter.

Ignoring her pesky friend, Twilight looked up at Luna with shame. "Y-you saw?"

"Indeed, Princess Twilight! I safeguard the dreams of all my friends, particularly those which are distressing, happy... even lascivious."

Ignoring the fact that Luna had essentially just admitted to peeping on her friends, Twilight looked up at Luna with burning shame. "D-didn't you think it was gross?"

Luna's angry visage broke into a smile. "Nay! 'Twas a typical maiden's wet-dream at worst. The depravity of the average colt would far outstrip your 'gross' fantasy."

"E-even though it was... with my dad... and my brother?" Twilight asked.

"I suppose such things are taboo in this age." Luna sighed with a roll of her eyes as if she found the current generation's morays unbearably gauche. "Though I must say, Princess. I can tell you from firsthand dream surveillance of your kin that you have grossly underestimated the size of your father and brother." Luna measured out a fairly large space in the air with her hooves, making sure to also show the girth of the imaginary organ in front of her before finishing with a giggle.

Luna's outlined space was instantly converted by Twilight's imagination to hold a proud, fleshy, throbbing staff of blue and a twitching, pumping, veiny shaft of white. She could scarcely believe such large organs could be attached to her father and brother.

"DON'T TELL ME THAT! I didn't need to know that! I'll never be able to get that out of my mind. Gross!*blergh*" Twilight tried to temple-massage the unbidden images of her brother and father's stallion-hoods from her mind, as Starlight's laughter heightened, reaching a choking, breathless level.

With a smug look Luna trotted past Twilight. "Consider us even for your earlier indiscrete comments then, Princess Twilight. You may follow." She pushed open the ornate giant wooden doors.

With the practiced ease of hundreds of years of repetition, Luna strode regally toward her sister, nodding to her in greeting. Following behind her, an embarrassed Twilight and a meek Starlight gave their own curtsies.

Ignoring the overly formal traditional greeting (which she had told Twilight multiple times to stop using with her) Celestia rushed from her dais to her student-turned-princess, giving her a gentle nuzzle and a beaming smile. "Twilight! What brings you and Starlight Glimmer to Canterlot?"

Twilight returned the nuzzle with a hug, before stepping back to allow Starlight to exchange her own greeting. Once they had all settled down, Twilight reluctantly went into the 'meat' of her visit. "Well, there's this potion I'm having trouble brewing."

"You don't say, my beloved former student? I find that hard to believe, you knew every potion in the textbook!" Celestia smiled.

"Not this one. It has some rather... unique... ingredients." Twilight blushed, pawing at the ground.

"Really now, Princess Twilight?" Luna interjected with a small flap of one of her midnight blue wings, "Please, do tell! I think that you would be hard pressed to find any magical ingredient that we have not heard of before."

"Semen." Twilight blurted out, still frustrated with Luna for her joking and dream-spying earlier.

"Semen?" Luna asked wtih a raised eyebrow, as if she hadn't fully understood the question.

"Yeah, you know. Baby batter, foal filling, stallion mayonnaise, 'Pinkie's special frosting', fun goo, cream fr-

"Thank you, Starlight Glimmer." Luna cleared her throat and spoke up, preventing Starlight from launching into what would certainly be an endless list of euphemisms about male ejaculate. "I understood what Twilight was referring to. My question was more why she was embarrassed to ask about what has been a common ingredient for so many potions for millennia."

Twillight blanched even further. "Wait, WHAT?"

Celestial chuckled and tried to calm her student with a steadying wing. "Yes, of course! Haven't you noticed how many potions contain EUV as a base ingredient?" She couldn't resist donning her former teaching role, so she went on. "You should remember that it is one of the most common foundational components of equine apothecalogy." Celestia lectured kindly to the surprised purple pony.

"EUV? Isn't that just a simple chemical binder? I thought it stood for 'Equestrian Universal Volume-augmenter', that's what we were taught in class!" Twilight half-shouted, not believing that this wasn't all some elaborate prank being played on her by Celestia.

"Yeah, I've always that EUV stood for that too. We use it in everything: it's great at increasing the volume of your potion without diluting its effects." Starlight Glimmer asked, now a bit curious and flustered herself.

Celestia and Luna shared a glance at one another, before Celestia decided to continue on. "Well, this shouldn't leave my royal chamber my little ponies, but EUV does not stand for 'Equestrian Universal Volume-augmenter', as is commonly misunderstood. It is an abbreviation for 'essentia unicornis virilem' which means-"

"Essence of male unicorn." Twilight finished, trying to prove that she wasn't a complete neophyte. "But still, I don't understand... over the course of a year all of ponydom must use tons of that... stuff... just where in the heck is it all coming from?" Twilight asked of her teacher.

Luna stepped forward while chuckling, "Actually, sister... I am interested about this as well." Luna looked over to Starlight Glimmer and Twilight Sparkle and explained herself further. "In my day, a young wizard would simply... unload himself when he desired the reagents for a potion... or would keep a handy store if he didn't demand freshness in his brews."

Starlight's disgusted face betrayed what she thought of Luna's 'good old days'. Still, she chouldn't help but ask a question: "But what about mares... I thought that there were barely any stallion wizards back in the day..."

"Indeed, Starlight Glimmer..." Luna turned to her. "A mare would often turn to her special somepony for a 'mutually beneficial' extraction."

Twilight stuck her tongue out in disgust, asking still further "b-but what if she didn't have a special somepony... because maybe she was shy... or too busy studying... or taking care of a baby dragon...?"

Luna rolled her eyes. "In such a case, the reclusive virgin mare would simply turn to her family for assistance."

"Hey! I didn't say she was a virgin! Also, that's... well... gross!"

"Please, Princess Sparkle..." Luna rolled her eyes at Twilight's impassioned interruption, "the mare you suggested in your 'example' is quite obviously an inexperienced virgin librarian... this is apparent to everyone present."

Starlight chuckled as Twilight embarassingly blushed.

"...Anyway..." Celestia coughed as she tried to get the conversation back on track. "To answer your question Luna, all of the EUV stock is currently supplied by unicorns of breeding age from the Burst family."

"What!?" Now it was Starlight's turn to become a flummoxed, blushing mess.

"Yes, apparently their young colts right up to their elders will all get together during the annual family reunion and take turns to fill a giant central vat with-"

Starlight and Twilight looked like they were turning green and were about to be sick. Noticing this, Celestia waved a hoof to allay their concerns. "Please, my little ponies... they take many steps after the reunion ritual to purify and preserve the magical essence of the seed, and exclude the... biological components... it is all quite sanitary."

"Hmph, this age is becoming squeamish, sister. There would be no such refinement required in our day." Luna seemed miffed that the Burst-family-provided EUV would be so altered.

"Times change, Luna. Still, I hope this allays the concerns you had about the potion you were looking to brew, Twilight. You should be able to use any regular EUV ingredient you have about to complete your potion." Celestia smiled at her former student, only to be surprised that Twilight looked more distressed than ever. "Is... something still wrong?"

Still pawing at the ornate marble floor, Twilight hesitantly admitted the crux of her embarassment. "Well, the formula also had some rather particular requirements for the source and procedure of extraction..."

Yet again, Celestia raised an eyebrow at Twilight's reply and looked over to her sister before asking, "This potion... would it happen to have been deigned by Starswirl the Bearded by any chance?"

"Y-yes!" Twilight answered in surprise.

Luna sighed, "Of course it would be one of that old lech's potions... which one was it... 'Potion of Alicorn Hair Waving"? 'Brew of Princess's Neck Elongation'? 'Concoction of Royal Teat Enlargement'?" she rattled off a few from memory as if she had a list that was a mile long.

"Uhh.... Potion of Alicorn Remembrance, actually. But how did you know it was Starswirl the Bearded?" Twilight asked.

"Because Starswirl had a huge crush on Luna." Celestia cut in.

"Had being the key word. And you had one as well, sister." Luna frowned, not enjoying being singled out.

"I suppose. In any case, he became a brilliant Wizard partially because of how intricately he would weave the requirements for his spells and potions to require the most... unique... of reagents from Luna and I. It would take ponies generations to rediscover his work without the complications he wove into his theorems to force some type of sexual service from us... The more powerful ones, not even Luna and I have been able to remove his unique[/] requirements." Celestia chuckled.

Luna shared the laugh. "Starswirl invented whole new complex and wondrous fields of magic... often with the simple aim of obtaining a hoofjob." She laughed as she pumped her hoof up and down an imaginary shaft.

Celestia prodded her sister teasingly. "Come now Luna, be fair. If I recall correctly, he invented thaumological horn resonances to buck you while you were in heat."

Luna bristled, her wings ruffling in displeasure. "Not true sister. You know that I remain untaken. The moon must be pure, untouched. Whenever he required the juices of the mixture of princess and stallion intercourse he would turn to you. As the moon, I must remain unsullied. A pure virgin maiden." She closed her eyes and turned her chin up regally.

Celestia skeptically looked at her sister, before replying in a deadpan. "Some pure maiden. I recall him requiring hairs from your mane, coated in his essence after having bucked you in the tailhole, and you being quite enthusiastic about providing them."

"EVERYPONY KNOWS THE TAILHOLE COUNTETH NOT! Besides, YOU were the one who loved getting his seed in your hair! You said it was the 'best natural conditioner bar none', hypocrite!" Luna shouted, reverting to her antiquated dialect.

"Stoooooop!" Twilight burst in, exasperated. "You two are ruining the vision I had of you as mother/teacher figures... not to mention my personal hero Starswirl! Please... spare the remainder of my childhood! I don't need to know any more!"

Luna and Celestia froze in mid-argument, looking between one another and the embarrassed Twilight, before they nearly collapsed with chuckling laughter.

Luna wiped tears from her eyes as she turned toward the pouting purple alicorn. "S-sorry Twilight... haha... we forgot that you still think our sister is a blushing bride... so then, what does this Potion of Alicorn Remembrance require... just a little EUV mixed with alicorn hair?"

Twilight's wings bristled outwards slightly as she nervously went on. "Uh... actually, it required the semen of a powerful unicorn... to be extracted by an alicorn... and for the two to be 'kin'..."

"Sounds like a typical late-era Starswirl potion..." Luna sighed. When Starlight gave her a perplexed eyebrow, Luna explained herself further, "For a little while Starswirl and I were having a bit of a quarrel... I may have acquired the required seed ingredients from some other promising unicorns."

Celestia chuckled, "Instead of trying to work things out with Luna he simply reworked all of his new theories to exclude the bloodlines of the other major houses... This worked well, seeing as he was the final living stallion of the House of Celes..."

Luna completed her sister's explanation... "The ancient House of Celes was at some time in the distant and forgotten past... *ahem*... 'linked' with the our bloodline." Celestia blushed and looked away, unwilling to meet the eyes of any of the other mares present to explain how such a tryst might have occurred.

Twilight paused as she digested the meaning of what was said, before slowly working out the larger implication. "B-but Starswirl didn't have any children... which means that all of his potions since your quarrel... can no longer be created!"

Celestia frowned. "Indeed, this is something I had never considered. There could be a whole number of critical potions that we can no longer recreate, this is a serious emergency for all of Equestria. However, I believe you may be mistaken; there is still a living alicorn with a kindred source for the component in question."

Twilight's heart began racing as she realized where this was leading. "Uh, well there's always... uhm... Cadence-"

Luna shook her head, cutting Twilight off immediately, "Unfortunately not. As you know, Twilight, Cadence was found alone as a pegasus foal... there is no way to know which family lineage she is descended from. It would seem that this task falls only upon you, Twilight Spar-"

"WAIT!" Twilight shouted exasperated, desperate for an out. "It... it... IT ISN'T that important, I mean... it's not like we are ever really going to need that spell again, the odds are so incredibly low." Twilight avoided making eye contact with Starlight as she said this, knowing that it was the very same argument her friend had used before they'd even started the contingency planning earlier that morning.

"No my student, I am afraid it is of the utmost importance. In fact, given how much could rest upon these potions, I may very well have to burden you with preparing many of Starswirl's lost recipes." Celestia said softly, resting a wing comfortingly over Twilight. "I will prepare a courier to fetch your father immediately and expl-"

"NO!" Twillight shouted, scurrying away from Celestia's wing. "Not Dad!" She groaned, before hanging her head in defeat. "Fine.... I'll do it. But not my Dad... I'll ask Shining." She let out a giant sigh and stuck her tongue out at the thought of what lay ahead.

Celestia smiled grimly and put a hoof under Twilight's muzzle to lift her head back up. "Don't fret Twilight. This is for the good of Equestria... it is the noble burden of a true Princess."

Twilight smiled halfheartedly as she hitched her saddlebags back onto her back, trotting toward the door. "I guess, still though... my BBBFF? Gross..." Twilight muttered, before opening the door and looking back and Celestia, "I'm going to drop by home before I head out to the Crystal Empire... DON'T tell anypony else about this please, Celestia." Twilight turned away while Starlight chuckled and waved goodbye to the princesses as they left, shutting the door behind them.

A minute passed, with total silence between the two princesses. Once both were sure that Twilight was fully out of earshot, there was no restraining their laughter. Luna was particularly affected, rolling about on the ground, clutching her belly as she guffawed deeply, trying to catch her breath.

"Bwahahaha! That was priceless sister! The 'good of Equestria', 'noble burden'? Hahaha! And ponies think I am the dramatic princess!" Luna slapped a hoof down on Celestia's back with a good-natured thump, as the latter tried to clear her eyes from the mirthful tears that had formed there.

"Heehee! I Thought I was pretty convincing, Luna." Celestia smirked. "Especially when I insisted that these potions could be essential. Hah!"

"Verily, with how peaceful this era is, and all of the additional support from other unicorns..." Luna surmised, before concluding: "I honestly didn't think I'd ever need to hear about that perverted Starswirl or his lecherous potions again!" Luna sniffed the air haughtily. "Though, I agree with your choice to mislead her sister... these new princesses need to learn that it is not all tiaras and tea parties... and more often it is tentacles and tail-holes." Luna laughed darkly as she thought back to all the times being a Princess had been... sweaty.

"It wasn't just that that, Luna." Celestia gave her sister a playful little hip-bump. "I think Twilight really needs to get laid"

This statement set Luna into another giggling fit, before she caught her breath and replied, "Too true, sister! For her to scurry to your side with each little problem like this... it really shows that she's never had a tumble in the hay! How scandalous; at her age and beauty to have never lifted her tail for any colt! She must truly be the epitome of... how is it said these days? Truly a prodigious nerd! What did you teach her, sister?"

Celestia frowned at her sister's teasing of the absent Twilight. "Careful Luna... I seem to recall somepony just shouting something about how the 'tailhole counteth not'? I believe you are as much a part of the 'maiden club' as Twilight." Luna blushed and looked down at the ground, embarrassed by her behavior.

"Still," Celestia continued, "you aren't wrong. I fear that I let Twilight down terribly when it came to teaching her about romantic intimacy." Celestia sighed. "At this point the only stallion I could think of that has a hope of wetting her marehood outside of some novel, is her brother, Shining Armor. I can only hope that this assignment awakens that flame within her." Celestia looked wistfully toward the closed doors that Twilight had exited just a few moments earlier.

Luna, seeing her sister in a semi-depressed state, attempted to distract her. Returning the happy hip-check she'd just received she spoke to her older sibling. "Come now, Celly, don't pout... how about a friendly wager?" Celestia's eyebrow arched in curiosity while Luna continued with a grin. "I bet 50 bits that Princess Sparkle wastes her brother's first load and spends 10 minutes desperately stroking his flaccid stallionhood during his refractory period!"

Celestia did a full spit-take, imagining an embarrassed Twilight waggling her Captain of the Guard's floppy shaft while whining about how this situation wasn't covered in some textbook.

Luna beamed at her sister's reaction. "...and 100 bits that she wasted it by receiving the full blast to her face while inspecting his shaft!" Celestia burst into laughter, as the Twilight in her imagination was now painted with her brother's sticky, white goo.

"Hahaha... ah... Thank you Luna." Celestia said, smiling now. "I'll take that bet! We should know soon enough, too! I happen to know that a certain Princess of Love and her husband happen to be in Canterlot by royal invitation this week... and are staying at their parents home, even tonight!"

Luna stared at Celestia, wide-eyed... "Did you plan this out after scrying on Twilight, sister?"

Celestia looked away with an 'aw shucks' half-guilty shrug, "Maybe...."

Luna rolled her eyes, "And people think the moon is naughty."

Both princesses enjoyed a whole new bout of laughter as they surmised on how Twillight would fare that evening.

Author's Note

Boom! Chapter two is out.... Aaaand I'm going right back to making a long fic again.

I can't help it!

Anyway, if you like it leave a comment, please!

Each comment gets me motivated to write more for you!

Thanks all!