Mr. Bryant: Travels Trials and Travails of a Man in Equestria

The Most Important Meal of the Day

Princess Celestia ambled along the halls of her palace at a sedate pace. It was early morning, the sun was newly risen and her first duty of the day dealt with. A rare lull in the daily grind had bought her precious time to enjoy a stroll in the gardens before breakfast, and she hummed a melody to herself, recalling that she had first heard it in a concert hall some four hundred years before, when it was first performed.

Now it was considered a classical piece, old and stuffy to the thinking of the younger generations and held up as an example of beauty and elegance by those possessing a refined taste in music or claiming the same, but at the time it had been a highly experimental piece designed to defy the old conventions of composition and had left the nobility feeling shocked and scandalized. Come to think of it, that might be why she was so fond of it, and just like that decided she would commission a performance. With electric guitars. And kazoos. And bagpipes. Celestia had grown no fonder of the nobility.

Before she could consider further musical mischief making, Celestia entered the private dining hall to discover a disconcerting sight. Luna sat at the table munching away at a muffin and a cup of coffee close to hoof, bags under her eyes as usual but also apparently very much alert. If anything she seemed troubled.

"Sister?" Celestia said, gaining the blue alicorn's attention, "You know you shouldn't have coffee at this hour. You need your rest."

"Hmm," Luna acknowledged as she swallowed a mouthful of muffin, chasing it with a sip of the bitter beverage. Once more, Celestia marveled at her sister's ability to consume the bitter liquid so readily with neither cream nor sugar. "Yes, I know dear sister, but I fear that I shall have no sleep today. I am. . . much troubled by events of this past night, during my forays into the dreamscape."

Celestia sat beside her sister, folding a wing about her. It was uncommon for Luna to be so communicative during the morning, although she was generally more inclined to speak openly of her troubles since the time Starlight Glimmer had forcibly swapped their royal duties and cutie marks. "Would you like to talk about it?" she asked.

"I think it best that I do," Luna agreed, "It will continue to vex me otherwise."

Celestia waited patiently as her sister finished her muffin and downed her coffee. "Last night," Luna finally began, "I encountered a dream with unusual properties. A formless nightmare of the sort born of a mind soaked in fear and pain. A stallion, claiming to have been in danger of some sort although I could sense no true peril to his life."

Luna scrunched her nose up in frustration. "That alone is not so strange. Nightmares do not always take solid form, sometimes manifesting as simple feelings of fear, though not usually so intense, and they often pass without recollection or harm. What was strange was that I could not see him."

Celestia looked at her sister in confusion. "You . . . I don't understand. Couldn't see him?"

Luna's scowl deepened further. "I was able to enter his dream. I could hear him. I calmed his mind as best I could, and manifested a dream garden I often use as a place of comfort and security for those suffering a turmoil I do not yet understand. But I can always see them, merely by virtue of being there. But he hid from me behind a wall that, ordinarily, would not have been there. I invited him in and promised him safety, but he did not trust me. Indeed, he did not seem to know who I was, and insisted that I was a figment of his imagination. I only knew he was a stallion by his voice."

"That is odd," Celestia agreed with a nod, "It's been years since your return. All of Equestria knows who you are and at least a notion of your duties and authority."

"And now I am concerned. He was able to hide from me, believed himself to be in danger but declined my help." Luna slumped dejectedly. "He woke before I could learn more and now I fear that I may have failed him."

Celestia squeezed her sister with her wing. "Well, he'll have to sleep again sometime. And when he does, you'll just have to find him again."

Luna offered a weak smile. "I suppose so. I still find myself perturbed, and unable to rest. But thank you for listening. I do feel a bit better."

Celestia was about to speak again when the door to the hall opened and a messenger pony popped her head in. "Excuse me, your highness, but the Sugar Production Research Union representatives have arrived earlier than expected. They are waiting in conference room four."

A tired sigh escaped Princess Celestia. "Luna . . ." she began but her sister held up a hoof to forestall her apology.

"It's quite alright sister. Go forth and do what you do best. I will burn off this caffeine with a book and try to get an afternoon nap. We can talk again later."

Celestia gave her sister a last quick squeeze and trotted to the door. So much for her little grace period. She was halfway to the conference room when she realized with a groan that she had entirely forgotten to have breakfast at all.

The pain washing through my body and echoing endlessly in my head was made worse by the disgusted and indignant squeals of the impossible blue mare before me. That her presence was not yet my most pressing concern should make it abundantly clear how bad I felt. I was lying on the ground beside a twisting dirt road, propped up against a fence post.

The dream was still clear in my mind, contrary to a lifelong habit of forgetting almost everything about my dreams upon waking. Also clear was what preceded it, which would have made my current circumstances all the more disconcerting if I could have focused on them over the waves of nausea and stabbing light of a mid-morning sun in my all-too-sensitive eyes.

The burning taste of my own sick in my mouth wasn't helping. I tried to speak again. "Klffmmmph." Not quite there yet. I coughed and spat. The mare had ceased her tirade and was glaring at me from several feet away. I tried again, and got, "Klmph. Mpgh."

"Are you . . . trying to speak? Trixie cannot understand you."

I wiped my mouth on the sleeve of my much abused leather jacket and tried once more. "Kill me." Her face contorted through several different emotions. Surprise, horror, then something that could only be an understanding based on first-hand experience, and finally sympathy. Watching this occur on the face of a small horse was too surreal for me to truly process.

"Maybe . . . Trixie could get you some water instead?" she suggested.

"Mkay," I conceded.

I closed my eyes against the sun and must have blacked out again, as when I awoke there was a large cup of water beside me and the blue unicorn . . . mare . . . no I was not ready to process that yet. Not ready for the talking horse that spoke in the third person whom sat watching me from her perch on a nearby rock. Wearing a purple cape and what looked for all the world to be a wizard's hat. With a horn on her head, just kinda . . . there. Nope. Water first.

I drank in slow sips, and found the water cool and crisp, and . . . different. More pure somehow. Refreshing. Also sitting next to me was what seemed to be an apple. My stomach still hurt like all hell but I was somewhere between feeling brave and giving the fewest fucks I had ever given in a life spent giving damn few to begin with, so I snatched up the fruit and took a bite.

If the water had been a surprise, this was . . . indescribable. Like every apple I'd ever eaten before was simply a cheap, sad copy of this fruit. There were taste buds activating on my tongue that had lain dormant my entire life, bringing themselves to bear on this moment with such overwhelming intensity that everything else was forced entirely out of my mind. I was the apple. The apple was the universe. I was one with the universe. I devoured the universe.

The wild ride of highs and lows the last few hours had been left me suddenly drained and, my life-altering breakfast complete, I slumped back against the fence post behind me. It wasn't comfortable but I didn't trust my legs yet.

"Feeling better?" Ah yes, once more with the hallucinatory blue unicorn wizard that had somehow brought me real water and the super apple that might also have been a hallucination. Still there eh? I looked.

Sure enough, there she sat, watching me with that same perplexed and annoyed expression. I weighed my options. While I was in absolutely no mood to engage with any more surreal bullshit, and it was tempting to tell her so, it is my experience that when in doubt, it never hurts to be polite. Even to hallucinatory horses.

"Yes miss, um . . . Trixie was it? I'm feeling a bit better now. Thank you."

She nodded and immediately replied with what had to be the most flamboyantly over-blown stage voice I have ever heard before or since. "The Great and Powerful Trixie welcomes you, for she is also the Kind and Magnanimous Trixie, and would not leave even a poor disfigured ape-creature such as yourself, in dire need of help abandoned by the roadside."

As she spoke, she swished about with her cape as though she really were performing in a show. It was . . . what happens when you go past surreal? Cartoon-ish I suppose? Convinced that I was either high on some really weird drugs or still asleep and having a very peculiar dream, I played along by offering a sitting ovation.

"You seem to be quite the eh, showmare. Do you perform?"

"I . . uh, yes!" Trixie said, taken aback momentarily before her self-importance reasserted itself, "I, the Great and Powerful Trixie, am a traveling performer, a magician and entertainer extraordinaire!"

I put on my best imitation of a starstruck fan. "Oh wow miss, that sounds awful exciting. I'm glad someone like you came along when you did, I would have been in some kind of trouble out here on my own."

You could almost see her inflate as I blew hot air into her ego. Mind you, for all I knew she really was the "Great and Powerful" Trixie but I had read her right as the "Easily Flattered and Slightly Naive" Trixie so at least she would be predisposed not to hurt me if she turned out to be a bigger deal than she seemed.

As the pain of my hangover receded and the light became more bearable I slowly began to inch myself up onto my feet, using the fence post as a support. To my astonishment, my legs actually took my weight with only minimal wobbling.

Trixie looked up with sudden trepidation as I loomed over her at my full height. I'm no giant but I'm a comfortable six feet and change. Poor Trixie was eye-level with my chest and still standing on a rock. I offered her what I hoped translated as a very non-threatening smile. "So, Miss Trixie, could you tell me where we are? I'm afraid I'm a little turned around at the moment."

She nodded, my ignorance offering her a feeling of superiority she could find comfort in. "Of course. We stand upon the road from Fillydelphia to Manehattan. We're about two hours walk from Manehattan, where the Great and Powerful Trixie was going to perform before she found you."

My stomach actually turned over at the horse puns. Also, what?

Trixie must have noticed my expression of pained confusion. "Manehattan is a city. One of the largest in Equestria. If you're going to visit a foreign country you should get a guide, or at the very least buy a map first."

I smiled to hide my growing panic. The clearer my head became, the less like a dream this seemed to me. "You're absolutely right Miss Trixie. I really didn't think this through. You seem to know an awful lot about this place. Would you be willing to show me the way?"

She blushed and shuffled her hooves. "Er . . . the Great and Powerful Trixie would like to help but . . . um . . . ."

"Is something the matter?"

She pointed a hoof past me, down the road where a large and oddly decorated wagon was mired in a ditch. The wheels on one side had sunk deep into the mud.

"My wagon is stuck."

As hard as my panic had been to keep down, the bubbling laughter that threatened to force it's way out was far more difficult. "Great and Powerful" indeed.

"Well," I said, "I suppose I owe you one anyhow." Trixie looked up at me with an adorable expression of embarrassment mingled with hope. I felt a highly uncharacteristic protective feeling stir inside me and made a mental note to be careful of that. Bad idea to get too attached. Still . . . .

"Let's get your wagon unstuck," I proposed with a grin.

She looked at it dubiously. "It's really stuck in there. Do you think just the two of us can do it?"

"Sure," I said, "Should be a matter of a few minutes and a little sweat never hurt anyone. And like I said, I owe you one Miss Trixie."

She hesitated for a moment. "Um . . . thank you for your offer but . . . Trixie does not even know your name."

I stuck out my hand towards her. "James Bryant. Nice to meet you Miss Trixie."

She turned her eyes to my hand, thought for a moment, then gently placed a hoof in it for me to shake. "Trixie Lulamoon. Thank you, and . . . welcome to Equestria, Mr. Bryant."