Mr. Bryant: Travels Trials and Travails of a Man in Equestria

Equestrian Screening Procedures

Big Britches had reminded me of a general rule that applies to most major cities: keep your head on a swivel, and if you want to gawk at something make sure you're out of the way first. Mind you, that wasn't generally hard to do as we made our way towards the city, as most ponies were careful to give us a wide berth. Eventually I realized they were mostly trying to stay away from me. "I didn't think I was that intimidating," I said to Trixie as several mares nearly fell over each other in a squealing pile to get out of my way.

Trixie looked at me incredulously. "You nearly scared Big Britches out of his own namesake back there."

I couldn't help but chuckle. "Yeah, but I was trying to scare him." I gestured at an elderly couple that had elected to leave the road entirely just to avoid me. "You didn't react like that at first."

"City ponies," she said dismissively, "The Great and Powerful Trixie has wandered far and wide, and seen many incredible creatures. These sheltered foals rarely have occasion to leave Manehattan. Of course they're afraid of anything different. I once heard of an entire town that was shut down by the appearance of a single zebra."

"Speaking of Big Britches," I said, "I noticed he didn't have a horn. Or, erm, wings."

"He was a member of the earth tribe," Trixie said, "I am a member of the unicorn tribe, and the fliers you saw earlier were pegasi. Each has talents and traits unique to them." She tossed her mane, showing off her horn as she did. "Unicorns have the most obvious form of magic, which is why most outside of Equestria assume that only unicorns have any magic at all. Even young unicorns can use simple telekinetic spells to levitate and manipulate things. You've seen me do that. With more study, they can learn to do more."

"Like you," I said, "You must have studied a long time to learn magic well enough that you can put on a show with it. If the ability is all that common, I would think the competition would be intense."

She waved her hoof. "No no no. I mean, it's true that I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, possess great magical talent and have even studied with Starlight Glimmer, the personal student of Princess Twilight Sparkle and my own closest friend." I almost gagged choking down my laughter at the ridiculous names but she didn't seem to notice and continued. "But my show, while it incorporates my magic into the act, is more closely based on the kind of "magic shows" that earth ponies or pegasi perform sometimes. It depends more heavily on illusion and sleight of hoof than spells."

"So . . . you're an illusionist that can do actual magic?" I asked, just to be clear I understood.

"Yes. . . Why are you laughing?!"

As we got closer, I began to realize that Manehattan was actually positioned on an island, which explained the abrupt way that it seemed to emerge from the countryside so suddenly when seen fro a distance. I know I should have realized this but like I said, I'd never been to Manhattan and even if I had, I couldn't have been sure how much the two actually had in common. The roads I had seen before all converged on a bridge, and as the dirt beneath my feet gave way to cobblestone, I saw that the train tracks crossed at the same point.

I anticipated a quite reasonably to encounter a traffic jam once we arrived at that bridge but I was gratified to see that the line was fairly short and moving quickly. There was a small booth with a red and white striped arm that raised for each wagon or pony in turn when they approached and lowered behind them. The two ponies manning the booth almost made me stop in my tracks again. They wore resplendent plate mail armor that looked for all the world to be made of solid gold. In contrast to the gaudy uniforms, their spears looked simple and utilitarian, held ready for use at a moment's notice, and the swords sheathed at their sides seemed much the same.

Trixie saw me looking. "Royal Guard," she said, "They make up the bulk of Equestria's military and law enforcement. Did you actually come here without looking any of this up?"

I shook my head. "The trip wasn't . . . planned. Or consensual. I'm not really complaining, Equestria seems really nice and all but I didn't arrive here by conventional means."

"Oh." She seemed to struggle internally, and seemed unsure what to make of that. "Well, maybe somepony in town can help?"

"Maybe," I shrugged, not feeling very hopeful on that point given the available theories regarding my situation. We might have discussed further but it was our turn at the booth and the Royal Guard were evidently as wary of my appearance as the ponies on the road had been. It was a much more disconcerting now however as they had spears. The way they manipulated the weapons seemed impossible given their hooves, (I had assumed they would be unicorns but closer inspection proved them both to be pegasi) but still they managed with great dexterity.

The one on the right held a clipboard in one hoof as he addressed Trixie, while the guard to my left kept their spear not-quite-but-almost pointed at me. "Name and reason for entering the city?"

"I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!" she announced, with a flourish, "Come to offer displays of wonder and magic from the four corners of Equestria, and beyond!"

The guard gave her a deadpan expression and said flatly, "I'm sorry miss, I'm afraid I can't enter that in the log book. Just your name and reason for entering the city."

Before she could worked up in a huff, I leaned over to address the one with the clipboard. "Trixie Lulamoon and James Bryant, here to conduct commerce."

Well that gave both the guards a start, I can tell you, and that spear had gone from "almost" to "definitely" pointing at my neck. I gave them both my the most charming smile I could. "Good afternoon uh . . ." I glanced at his lapel, saw the small raised bars there and took a guess, hoping a few names weren't the only thing that coincided with home, ". . .lieutenant. Thank you for your fine work. I apologize for the off-putting first impression, but you have my word, I will keep Miss Lulamoon on her best behavior while we're here."

There was a moment of complete silence. Then the guard with the clipboard burst out laughing. "Ohoho you're a scary one alright, but at least you're funny. Lower your spear corporal."

"Are you sure el-tee?" said the spear-pointing enthusiast, confirming my guess about Equestrian rank insignia and allowing me to identify him as a corporal, "He looks like rough company to me and I've never seen his kind here before."

"So we make a note of it," the lieutenant replied reasonably, "Sir, if I might have the name of your species and land of origin, for the record?"

"Human. United States Of America," I said, not wanting to get into confusing details.

"Never heard of it," he said to neither my surprise nor his, "Interesting name too. What does it mean?"

"Doesn't mean anything I know of," I told him, "Just a name."

"Well," he said, "That satisfies me. Good enough for you corporal?"

"Yes sir!" The reply came crisp and sharp as the spear blade was removed from my general direction entirely, allowing me to relax a hair.

"I apologize for my subordinate, he's young and easily spooked. I am Lieutenant Stoic Vigil of Her Majesty's Royal Guard. Welcome to Equestria, and to Manehattan in particular. Do let one of our patrols know if you have any problems."

"Much appreciated," I replied.

With that, the arm was raised and we were allowed to pass without further incident.

Trixie glared at me. "How did you know what to say?"

"I worked some years in security," I told her, "They might be military but guard duty is guard duty. All they really want is to make sure you aren't a threat to them or their post. I would wager most folks that go through that check point are probably in a hurry to get where their going. At best, most travelers barely acknowledge them and plenty of them will be downright rude, and those guys are out there day in and day out putting up with bad attitudes and being taken for granted. A simple thank you and some good humor goes a long way with someone that works a job like that."

For some time after that we walked in silence, traversing the bridge as the sun began to dip to the horizon behind us, the shadows lengthening as dusk approached.

"Thank you." Trixie didn't look at me, but kept her eyes firmly on the city in front of us.

"Sure," I said after a moment, "For what?"

She sighed. "Trixie . . . I have a habit of going overboard. It took a really good friend to help me realize it, and I've been trying to keep it in check. Sometimes I don't do so well." She paused for awhile, and I waited for her to continue. "I think that if you hadn't spoken up with the guards back there, I might have said something I would regret, but you knew what to say and how to say it. And you stepped in when you saw me having trouble. So . . . thank you for that."

As the shadows grew to encompass the world in night, and the stars began to twinkle above us, I glanced down at what I realized was a troubled, tired mare. She'd been through a lot and I figured a great deal of it weighed on her. Maybe she and I had more in common than I thought. "Hey, no problem," I said, "Though if you really are feeling grateful, there is something you could do to make it up to me."

Her expression turned from gratitude to suspicion. "What's that?"

I pointed over my shoulder at the wagon. "Could you put me up tonight? I don't think the hotels around here are gonna take dollars American."

Thankfully Trixie did agree to let me stay the night on the floor of her wagon, but I still felt obliged to try at least a few places just in case I might get lucky, but after the third try it was pretty clear there wasn't any point going to a fourth and we were both too damn tired anyway.

As it transpires I was absolutely correct about the issue with currency, as none of the locals recognized the wrinkled paper I produced from my wallet, not that I had enough on me to pay for a room and even if they had been willing to take a card, I knew for a fact that it was maxed out and my bank account had been negative for a week. Come to think of it, if this was all happening in my head it made perfect sense that I wouldn't be able to use money: broke had simply been a way of life for me going on a year or so by that point. Why should it be any different here?

Never mind the fact that none of the desk clerks were all that keen to work with me on it. They seemed more concerned about how their other guests would react to my presence than whether I could actually pay. The last one in particular looked at me as though I had offended his mother simply by walking through the door, and he informed me in THE most posh accent I have ever heard before or since that they had no available rooms in any event, disregarding the blinking "vacancy" sign outside.

My attempts had been made along the way to the so-called "Merchant's Park." Trixie's original destination. The Park was actually a block or so of normally empty lots where travelling merchants and a few performers could rent space to set up kiosks and stands in an odd combination of outdoor mall and year-round carnival. Apparently Trixie had made arrangements for a space in advance, and the attendant at the gate gave her a ticket with the number "42" and some sort of authorization code scribbled on it, as well as a map with directions to her spot marked on it. He seemed to be making a conscious effort not to notice me, and I decided not to make that any harder for him.

We took some twists and turns around other wagons, booths, tents and displays, locked down and closed for the night. "Thursday nights," Trixie explained, "It's always slow so most ponies close up around nine o'clock tonight. Tomorrow will be busier."

"What time is it now?"

"Nearly midnight," she told me, "We were walking a lot longer than I expected."

Sure enough, we didn't see a single other pony as we wound our way to space 42, which was a neatly marked spot near the back northwest corner of the Park. I did hear the sound of snoring a few times, as well as quiet laughter and politely hushed conversation. Even a particularly lustful moan at one point.

Here, surrounded on all sides by the massive edifices of urban life, you could almost feel like you were in a small village, a quiet little town bedding down for the night with complete disregard for the all-hours hustle and bustle of Manehattan. By the time we had the wagon in place we were both completely exhausted. My stomach was empty to the point of snarling and I was starting to really feel the nicotine withdrawal, but I just couldn't keep my eyes open. Trixie crawled into her bunk and I lay on the narrow strip of open floor, and without another word I promptly fell asleep.