Robot Ponyby DreadnoughtChaptersThe ScreamThe Wrong MedicationGeuss QEquestria Games InspectorConventionBakes on a PlaneThe Pony DimensionJawsResonance FrequencyThings not to say to Twilight SparkleNew ClothesRarity Investigates Again!OprahThe VisitThings not to say to ApplejackBirthday CakeStarlight GlimmerCollege LectureStar Trek: Pony ContactInfomercialCookie ThiefThe Magic DuelLuna's LaboratorySay What?MeetingBABSConAllstate InsuranceMy Little PokemonRoyal WeddingThings Not To Say To FluttershyFairly OddparentsThe AnswerThings Not To Say To Rainbow DashNobel PrizeFall Formal CleanupThings not to say to Pinkie PieThe OfferBriddle Gossip - Alternate EndingHistory LessonLook Before You Sleep - Alternate Ending 2New Business ModelMovin' OutHackPony Park - Part 1TrumpPony Park - Part 2Rock StarPony Park - Part 3DinnerPony Park - Part 4Pony Park - Part 5Pony Park - Part 6Cutie MarksThings not to say to Princess LunaPony Park - Part 7In BedIn Bed - Part IIFrom the HeadlinesThings not to say to Princess CadencePony Park - Part 9Units of measurementPony Park - Part 10Pony Park - Part 11Pony Park - Chapter 12Federation membershipPony Park - Part 13FugitivePlottingWedding CrashersTicketCurrencyText MessagesOracleApple Stand IIApple Stand IIIThe Apple BusinessRed BullHorseshoesHorseshoes IIApollo 11Buyer BewareTrialNew Cars IINew Cars IIIEasterPTA MeetingThe Problem With Roomates....Sector 7GAt the barTo-Do ListThe AnnouncementRoyal SuccessionAssassination ClassroomFeeding TimeAn Unexpected DiscoveryStar Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of SkywalkerChangesThanks for the MemoriesCouch GagThe Tragedy of RainBow - Act IThe Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIThe Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIIThe Tragedy of RainBow - Act IVThe Tragedy of RainBow - Act VGame ShowThe Cat Next DoorThe Big GameFriday the 13thWhat I WantPresent!New Year 2020Twelve Days of Hearth's WarmingHoliday DishDiplomatic IncidentPi DayThe Last Great RaceWhat's in a Name?Easter 2020Downton AbbeyA Little FriendDepartment of DefenseMovie NightFastest Thing AliveSesame StreetThe HulkDanny Phantom RebootInspirationThe UnicornPolitical PrisonerSlipCrime Scene InvestigationHistory LessonStorming the CastleVOTE!!!Post Election DayThanksgiving 2020The TruthChristmas 2020Aftermath2021!Infinity trainInauguration 2021KFCSuperbowl Party!The Author Gets LazyPony Tales: Pinkie PiePony Tales: Rainbow DashPony Tales: Twilight SparklePony Tales: RarityPony Tales: ApplejackPony Tales: FluttershyOliver TwistNovember 1stG5Making RightThe Silent Service101 DalmatiansLibrary TimeExtinctionNew StudentNew Student II2022!CutawayThe Last Crusade - Alternate EndingThe Fall of Mount ArisCHS Battle of the BandsThe BatsuitAcademy AwardsCelebrity Deathmatch007ConcertThe Last Crusade - Deleted SceneFourth of JulyBig BrotherLie DetectorNopeLesson Zero2023Speaker of the HouseRoyal CoronationMadam SpeakerSemper FiVeterans DayBattlestar PegasusNew Year 2024LVIIIHappy Birthday!May the FourthBirthday Party!Rainbow Roadtrip Deleted SceneNew Year 2025A Bad Time for a SongPep RallySuper Bowl LIXPinkie and the Chocolate Factory Part 1CancellationThings Not To Say To RarityRobot PonyWheel of FortuneThe BattleTea Time!European EditLook Before You Sleep (Or Wake Up) - (Gore)Wild Blue YonderThe MatrixStorm King's ResurrectionSnowboundJack in a BoxNew Cutie MarkThings not to say to Princess CelestiaRoad to the PilotPony Park - Part 8Treats for the FoalsApple Stand IVIt's What's On the Inside...An InvitationMay the Best Pet Win - Alternate EndingTitanicApple StandNew CarsThe Curse of Oak IslandRed BaronCounting DownTurkey DayColdBoxing Day!Taking a StandSourceLunchAncient PoniesNew Blend4th of July!Famous EquationsAct of CreationBirthday Present!Election 2020Christmas Eve 2020RetrospectiveJeopardy!DreamwalkingFederal ChargesPony TalesThanksgiving 2021Latest Business OfferDSTUkraineLast SupperDragonshy - Deleted SceneKindergartenDisposing of the Incriminating EvidencePinkie Pie's Party PlaylistSeries Premiere (2021 Version)Thanksgiving 2022Professional HelpThanksgiving 2023The ScreamGrand Pear looked at his daughter in shocked disbelief. "Are you choosing to be an Apple over being a pear?" he demanded. "Are you making me choose?" pleaded Pear Butter, her heart breaking inside her chest. "Yes. I am," he said gruffly. Tears welling in her eyes, she knew where she truly belonged. "Then yeah, I guess I am." Grand Pear felt an intense rage building up within him that he couldn't contain. Shaking with anger, he belted out at the top of his lungs: "Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!" Everypony stood there in shock before Bright McIntosh asked, "Who's Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?" Realizing his mistake, Pear Butter yelled, "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear Butter!" TV Static Author's Note Just random shorts that I write as they occur to me. Excuse my strange sense of humor. Dreadnought The Wrong MedicationCranky Doodle Donkey stood in the Ponyville Pharmacy. He was nervous and a bit embarrassed, but he needed to get his new prescription filled. Finally building up his courage, he hesitantly approached the pharmacist's counter. Standing behind it was a cream-colored pegasus with a brilliant blue mane. "Hello Cranky," greeted Pestle. "Hello," he said tersely. "What can I help you with today?" she asked. "I have a new prescription," he said, passing the doctor's note to her. Taking it, she examined the note before giving Cranky a curious look, which was returned with an angry scowl on his part. "Come back in an hour and it will be ready," she said. Without a word, Cranky turned and walked out the door. An hour later... Cranky reentered the pharmacy and waited behind Big Mac. "Now, take two vitamin pills three times a day," advised Pestle. "Eeyup," came the earth pony's reply. He took the bag and departed, heading back to Sweet Apple Acres. Cranky stepped forward to the counter. "Hello Cranky," Pestle again greeted the donkey. "Hello again," he mumbled. "I have your prescription ready." She grabbed the bag from behind the counter. "Would you like me to explain how to take it?" "No!" he yelled. The other customers stopped what they were doing and stared at the donkey, wondering what was going on. "Very well," she said. "I've included instructions with the medication." She passed him the bag. "Thanks," he grumbled and paid her the bits. He turned and headed home, a slight spring in his step. The next day... Pestle stood taking inventory. They always needed to order more medications and supplements to keep the shelves stocked. Typically products varied with seasons. In winter it was flu medication. In spring allergy medicine. In summer sunscreen. In fall cold medicine. And after a monster attack, it was headache medicine, tranquilizers, and sleeping pills. Yes, monster attacks were always good for business. And not just for the pharmacy, but also for the liquor store down the street. This month's sales were down. Maybe another beast from Tartarus - The door swung open to reveal an angry Cranky. "Hello Cranky?" she greeted hesitantly. "Is something a matter?" "Yes. You gave me the wrong medication!" he yelled. "I did?" said the confused Pegasus. "But I filled the Viagra - " At the word Viagra, Cranky's faced turned red and he yelled, "It wasn't Viagra you gave me!" "I wonder what happened?" she asked, more to herself than him. Applejack burst through the door, an angry expression on her face. "What kind of vitamins did you give my brother?" she demanded. "What?" asked Pestle. "After taking them, he locked himself in the barn and won't let any of us in. He says all he wants to see is Sugar Belle." TV Static Geuss QFluttershy found herself busy setting up for her weekly tea party. She wanted everything to be perfect for her friend. After all, he had nearly killed himself getting ready for the last tea party. Let's see... Finger sandwiches? Check. Biscuits? Check. Napkins? Check. Room décor? Check. What could she be forgetting. Weeeeeee! Oh right, the tea. Fluttershy flew into the kitchen and poured the kettle into the tea pot. Now everything was ready. She sat on her chair, awaiting the arrival of her friend. Flash! Fluttershy looked expectantly, but found herself shocked at what she saw. In her living room stood a man with short black hair, wearing a red and black outfit. "Who are you?" she asked, fear rising in her voice. "I'm Discord." "Discord? You sound a lot like Discord, but you don't look like him," she observed. Turning to a mirror, he found himself chuckling. "Sorry. I forgot on what show I'm on." Snapping his fingers, the draconequus reappeared. "So, who's ready for some tea?" TV Static Equestria Games InspectorThe crowd stood expectantly. Very shortly the inspector for the Equestria Games would arrive to inspect preparations. If everything went well, then Cloudsdale stood a very good chance of getting the games later that year. The mayor and town council had organized this group, to give the inspector a massive friendly welcome upon her arrival. Suddenly through the clouds emerged a large hot air balloon. It rose up and set down in front of the crowd. Everypony cheered and waved flags. The mayor stepped forward, and proclaimed, "We would like to welcome you to Cloudsdale!" The door to the basket opened and Miss Harshwhinny stepped forth - and promptly fell right through the cloud. The shocked crowd stood silent as they listened to a fading scream. The head of the town's games committee said, "I guess we forgot to enchant her with the cloud-walking spell." The mayor observed, "Guess we're not getting the Games now." TV Static ConventionSix ponies moved through the thick crowd. Twilight Sparkle led the group, looking about with utter happiness on her face. Rarity eyed all the cosplay costumes, taking notes and considering the possibilities of expanding her business to serve this new clientele. Pinkie Pie was practically buzzing, super-doper excited at everything she was seeing. Applejack looked about, just trying to take convention. Fluttershy felt extremely anxious in such a large crowd. Rainbow Dash pushed herself to the front of the group. "I don't get it Twilight. When you said we were going to the human world, I kinda thought that everybody would be hounding us." "Normally. But we fit right in here at Bronycon." TV Static Bakes on a PlanePinkie Pie wiped her mouth after throwing up. She had travelled before on a hot-air balloon and even on a self-propelled helicopter and never had gotten sick, but somehow travelling on an airplane had given her airsickness. She threw the paper towel into the toilet and flushed it before opening the door. Smoke! She smelled smoke! Rushing to the oven, she opened it and black smoke billowed out. An earth pony leaped from his passenger seat and yelled, "I've had it with her! I can't believe she mother-f@#$%^& bakes on this mother-f@#$%^& plane!" TV Static The Pony Dimension"So, what are we looking at?" asked Gru. "It's a trans-dimensional portal," replied Dr. Nefario proudly. "We can commit villainy in other dimensions with no negative consequences." "Does it work?" asked Margo. "Of course it works. I'll show you." Flipping a switch, a singularity flashed before transforming into a swirling vortex. "Very nice," admired Gru. Slowly he noticed a slight breeze passing over his head, which grew stronger and stronger. "What's going on?" he asked. "Oh, it's nothing," reassured the mad scientist. But the winds grew stronger as the vortex grew larger. "The vortex is becoming a black hole!" yelled Dr. Nefario. "Gurls get back!" ordered Gru. The breeze was now like a raging hurricane. Suddenly a gust of wind came roaring through the lab. "Gru!" cried a small girl as she was blown into the portal. "Agnes!" cried Gru and the other girls. *** Slowly Agnes regained consciousness. Opening her eyes, she found she was in a brightly colored land. Looking around, she saw six ponies coming towards her. One was a pink pony and another an orange one wearing a hat. Overhead flew a blue pony and a yellow one. Leading the group were purple and white ponies, each sporting a horn. The latter approached the little girl. "Are you okay?" asked the pony. "Are you a unicorn?" asked Agnes. "Why yes, I - " The little girl leaped upon the unicorn, clutching the neck and nearly stragling the shocked mare. "She's so fluffy!" cried Agnes. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get if off!" shrieked Rarity. TV Static JawsChief Brody climbed up the mast of the listing boat. He looked about for the shark he knew was out there. Brody spotted a fin in the distance, lining up for an attack. Pulling back the bolt, he chambered another round. Leaning on the mast for support, he aimed squarely for the compressed air tank in the shark's mouth. He pulled the trigger. Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. "Blow up." Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. Down to his last bullet, he said, "Smile you son-of-a-" He pulled the trigger, but the bullet bounced off a glowing orb, which transformed into a purple winged unicorn. "Stop!" she cried. "Have you every thought of befriending the shark? I've been sent from Equestria to solve this friendship problem. If you will just listen - Wha!!!!" The shark leapt from the water, and in one bite, ate Twilight Sparkle. Now with Chief Brody unarmed, it circled around for another attack.... TV Static Author's Note Sorry I haven't been around that much. I've been rockin' out at BRONYCON!!! DREADNOUGHT Resonance FrequencyRarity stood before her Crystal Empire store. The opening was a complete and utter disaster, the absolute worst moment of her entire life. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. It was like the opening of Rarity for You in Manehattan, without the happy ending. And to top it all off, the store had caught fire and burned down, even though inexplicably the fire station was next door. Rarity knew the reviews in the newspapers would be scathing, and her fashion career could very well be over. Pinkie Pie approached her friend, whose life had suddenly taken a nose dive. "Here" she said, offering her friend a guitar. "Thanks," said Rarity. Taking the guitar, she poured all her anger and frustration into a heavy-metal rift that lasted several minutes. At the very end, she hit a high note and held it for a long time. The crystal ponies started to run about screaming, before shattering into millions of pieces. Stunned, all Pinkie Pie could say was, "Feel better?" Looking about, Rarity solemnly replied, "Even worse I'm afraid." Author's Note Good times at Bronycon!!! But it's almost over!!! Have to wait until Bronycon 2018!!! I'll try to keep my sanity!!! Dreadnought Things not to say to Twilight SparkleThings no one should ever say to Twilight Sparkle: "Would you like to join me at the book-burning rally?" "Worst. Princess. Ever." "Smarty Pants." "You screwed up your friends lives then became an alicorn. What gives?" "You sound a lot like Tara Strong." "Do you even pay Spike for his services?" "Yeah. The Golden Oaks Library needed to go." "So, when will Starlight take over as the star of the show?" "If you're so smart, why aren't you in Mensa?" "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?" New ClothesRarity went to her trunk. "Okay, as we prepare to battle the dark lord, I have some new clothes that will identify us in the chaos of battle. For Twilight and Pinkie Pie, I have blue shirts. For Rainbow Dash and myself, gold ones. For Fluttershy and Applejack, red shirts." Applejack turned to Fluttershy. "We're bucked." TV Static Rarity Investigates Again!Rarity walked about, rattling off the evidence. "...and then there is the new will, the diary entries, the bloody knife found in the backyard. Yes, Lyra had the means, motive, and opportunity. She is the murderer." Everyone stood there, stunned. Lyra the murderer? But Rarity had made an ironclad case. Even Lyra forgot she was totally innocent and became convinced that she was a murderer. TV Static OprahKevin decided that it was time to move on from My Little Pony. He should return to college and complete his PhD. But first, there was something he needed to do. Going to his laptop, he pulled up fimfiction and began going through the stories... "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." It went on for hours. TV Static The VisitCelestia and Luna sat awkwardly in their parents' living room at the Canterlot Retirement Village. Their mother levitated cups filled with hot tea to the sisters and their father. Sitting down, she began, "So how are things with you two? Luna, you really need to visit more often. I haven't seen you in a thousand years." Celestia and Luna shared an awkward look between themselves. TV Static Things not to say to ApplejackThings never to say to Applejack: "Apples suck!" "Pears suck!" "I don't want to go back to school. Can you teach me how to make those cupcakes that made everypony sick?" "You sister is hot!" "Your Granny is hot!" "Orchord Blossom is hot!" "Yeah, I just saw Apple Bloom. She's going skydiving." "You're in my fanfiction. You're shipped with Trenderhoof." "You're in my fanfiction. You're shipped with Prince Blueblood." "Smarty Pants!" "You know in Pinkie Tales: Raripunzel you're a dude?" "All your episodes suck!" TV Static Birthday CakeDing Ding Ding! Twilight set the spoon and glass aside. "I'd like to thank you all for coming. It's not every day we get to celebrate a centenary. Very few ponies reach 100 years of age. We've come to celebrate Golden Oak's birthday. And as a way of expressing our happiness on your birthday, we've baked you this." A large cake was wheeled out. "Make a wish," said the elderly stallion's granddaughter. He leaned in to blow out the candles. The cake erupted, sending splatters in every direction. "Surprise!" yelled Pinkie Pie, bursting forth from the cake. Golden Oak clutched his barrel. "My heart." He fell over. Dr. Horse rushed forward. "He's dead," the doctor pronounced. TV Static Starlight GlimmerThis is Starlight: Some people might try to tell you she is Twilight. They might try to scream "Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!" over and over and over again. They might put "TWILIGHT" in all caps. You might even start to believe that she is Twilight. But she's not. This is Starlight. Facts First. TV Static Author's Note A parody of the CNN commercial. College LectureMostly graduate students, the class sat with uneasy excitement over the start of the new semester at Canterlot University. They watched as the clocked ticked away to the appointed hour... 7:57... 7:58... 7:59.... At precisely eight o'clock the door swung open and a pink, fluffy pony entered and walked to the lectern. She turned to the class, "Good morning everypony. I'm Dr. Fluffle Puff, and welcome to Advance Topics in Quantum Mechanics." A unicorn mare leaned over to the stallion next to her. "I thought fluffy ponies were supposed to be stupid." "Yeah they are. Dr. Puff still doesn't believe there's convincing evidence to prove the Higgs boson." TV Static Star Trek: Pony Contact“Fire.” A half dozen starships began pouring in fire upon the Borg Cube. Photon torpedoes tore gaping wounds into the vessel while phaser fire inflicted terrible carnage. Once a sufficient hole had been created, the Enterprise fired a salvo of three quantum torpedoes. The bright white lights streaked forward and buried themselves deep within the hull before detonating. Immense explosions swept through the ship, instantly killing tens of thousands of cybernetic Borg drones. Green flames burst from various points on the wrecked hull, signaling the ship was in its death throes. At the last possible moment, giant doors opened and a Sphere escaped from the ship and headed toward Earth. Seconds later the Borg cube blew apart in a terrible explosion, sending pieces of debris hurtling in every direction. The Federation starships sped away to safety, dodging and turning to avoid the wreckage. A few were impacted, though none experienced serious damage. The Borg Sphere continued to fly towards Earth. “Mr. Hawke, pursuit course – engage,” commanded Captain Picard. The Enterprise raced after the Sphere that still posed an imminent danger to the billions of people on the planet. Chronometric particles began emanating from the Sphere, creating a streaking white bow wave that spread into a massive twisting torus. “They’re creating a temporal vortex,” said Picard. “Time travel,” explained Commander Riker. “Quantum torpedo – fire!” ordered Picard. A white flash emanated from the Enterprise’s saucer section and shot towards the cube. As it approached the Sphere it hit the temporal wake and veered off course. It passed the Sphere and impacted the vortex, which instantly began radiating strange pastel colors. The sphere entered the vortex and vanished. “The Borg Sphere has passed through the vortex,” reported Lt Commander Data. “Analysis of their destination?” asked Picard. “I detect a large planet on the other side.” “We must follow them and stop them from assimilating the inhabitants of the planet,” said Picard. “Mr. Hawke, take us into the vortex.” The Enterprise entered the vortex, which collapsed behind it.... ~~~ “La-la-la!” sung Pinkie Pie as she bounced along the path that led to Ponyville, a large smile across her face. It was a truly beautiful day. Celestia’s brilliant sun shone overhead, spreading warmth throughout the land. A gentle wind blew through the trees, while birds sang happily from the gently swaying branches. The perfume of fields of flowers drifted on the breeze. She heard a strange noise as a flash caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. Turning, she saw two strange figures standing in the meadow. They were nothing like anything she’d ever seen. The creatures stood on two legs. They possessed strange black armor that bristled with wires and tubes and mechanical devices. The only skin she could see was the pale white of the face, though even this was partly obscured by a large eye-patch that produced a red beam of light. Pinkie Pie bounced over to the two. “Hello, I’m Pinkie Pie. What’s your names?” “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” “Hmm... Borg. Sounds Pommelranian. Ooo – you must be new around here.” She pulled a colorfully painted wagon from seemingly nowhere. She pushed a large red button and the top popped open, revealing horns and flags and kazoos and sweet treats. It started to play a little tune to which Pinkie Pie began singing and dancing: Welcome welcome welcome A fine welcome to you Welcome welcome welcome I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome I say hip hip hurray Welcome welcome welcome To Ponyville todaaaaaay! Ding! The oven on the wagon burst open shooting a stream of confetti over the two strangers. Sploosh! The kazoos shot a large amount of goo upwards, before hitting apogee and falling down, coating everyone in a sticky mess. “Oh, silly me! I must've put the confetti in the oven and the cake in the confetti cannons! Again! When will I ever learn?” Giggling, Pinkie Pie stepped forth clean from the cake batter and in one bite ate the whole thing. “Mmm, that’s good!” The two figures stepped forward. One grabbed her while the other one reached out, a spike protruding from its appendage. It impaled Pinkie Pie in the neck before the three beamed away. ~~~ The Enterprise emerged from the vortex. “Mr. Worf – quantum torpedo.” “Weapon systems are offline,” responded the Klingon. Turning to the con, Picard asked, “Mr. Data – position?” “Unknown Sir. Our present location matches no record in the stellar database.” “What can you tell us about the planet?” asked Riker. “It is a Class M planet. Sensors indicate it is emanating an unknown type of radiation.” “Explain?” enquired Picard. “The radiation bears a resemblance to that seen at Farpoint, but of a different phase and modulation.” “Source?” asked Riker. “There is no source. It appears to be a natural phenomenon of the planet.” “There will be plenty of time for investigating this world, but we have a mission here,” said Picard. “How long until we have weapon systems back?” “The temporal vortex buffeted the phaser banks. They will have to be realigned before they can be used. We have lost control of the torpedo system.” “Can we bypass it?” asked Picard. “We cannot bypass it here. Several conduits have been overloaded,” explained the android. “Bridge to engineering.” “Engineering here,” replied Chief Engineer La Forge. “I need torpedo control.” “Aye Sir. I will dispatch damage control teams to bypass the destroyed conduits.” Turning to the con, Picard continued, “Mr. Data. Is the planet inhabited?” “Unknown Sir. There are signs of an early industrialized civilization. I am detecting two Borg on the planet.” “Is the radiation harmful?” “I do not believe so, Sir.” Turning to Riker, Picard said, “Number One, take an away team to the surface.” Riker said, “Data, Counselor. Bridge to Sick Bay.” “Crusher here,” came a voice over the comm link. “We may need a doctor on an away mission.” “I will meet you in the transporter room.” Riker, Troi, and Data entered the turbolift. Picard turned to Riker. “We don’t know what we’re dealing with here. The Prime Directive still stands.” “Understood,” replied Riker. “Deck 4.” ~~~ A flash appeared, and four figures stood in a meadow. Drawing their phasers, they secured the area from any hostile Borg. The android pulled forth his tricorder and began scanning. “Were the sensors off?” asked Troi. “Scans indicate that the Borg were here, but they have departed.” “I’m picking up the radiation you mentioned,” said Doctor Crusher. “Is it hazardous?” asked Riker. “I don’t think so. Still, I’d like to run some scans when we return to the Enterprise.” “Sir, there is a village four kilometers southeast of here.” “Are the Borg there?” queried Riker. “Unknown. I suggest we move in that direction to look for any signs of the Borg.” “Agreed. Stay out of sight. We don’t want to violate the Prime Directive.” ~~~ Ponies moved about the market buying, selling, and trading all sorts of goods. In one stall a pale yellow pegasus with a raspberry mane sold a variety of beautiful flowers. In another stall, Carrot Top sold fresh produce... heads of lettuce... carrots... turnips... onions... cabbage. Maize proudly displayed bins overflowing with yellow sweet corn. At the far end of the market sat a large apple cart, staffed by the most honest pony in all of Equestria – Applejack. Suddenly a deathly quiet fell, with all eyes falling upon the figure entering the market. She was a pink pony, clad in black clothing and armor. The other ponies parted ways, allowing her to reach the center of the market. She addressed the masses, “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” Suddenly the crowd began to laugh. “We are the Borg –” Cheerilee remarked, “Pinkie, you’re funny.” “Surrender yourself –” Lyra Heartstrings asked, “Pinkie, is that your Nightmare Night costume?” “We will add your biological and technological –” “I should hope not,” observed Rarity. “That is a ridiculous outfit.” “distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” Applejack walked up. “Say Pinkie, what are ya supposed to be anyways?” Pinkie reached forth and impaled Applejack in the neck. “Ah!” yelled Applejack, writhing in agony. Shock swept through the masses and ponies gasped at Pinkie’s action. Slowly the crowd began to step back from the two mares. Within a few moments, Applejack stood up, a blackness spreading through her bulging veins. Turning to the crowd, she started, “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We –” Before she could finish ponies were running screaming from the market. ~~~ The away team carefully surveyed the village. They had taken a vantage point on a hill overlooking the town below. Dozens of small simple structures populated the town, most bearing thatch roofs. A few buildings stood out with fantastical achitecture – a gingerbread house, a multi-tiered carosel shaped structure, a buidling that looked like a jester hat. Data turned to Commander Riker, “Sir, scans indicate the village has been overrun with the Borg.” “If we can’t contain the invasion here, this planet could fall.” Troi pointed to a large shimmering structure in the distance. “That looks like a castle, perhaps we will find their defense leadership there.” Data scanned with his tricorder. “I detect no Borg in that direction.” Riker said, “We’ll head that way. Watch out for the Borg. Riker to Enterpise.” “Go ahead Number One,” came Picard’s voice over the comm badge. “The Borg have established a foothold on the planet. We are moving to what we think is the government building.” “Understood. Assure the residents that we are here to help them in any way possible. Picard out.” Riker turned to the group, “Not the best circumstances to make first contact.” The four officers skirted the village, constantly keeping their tricorders scanning and their phasers at the ready. They approached the grand staircase that led to the castle. “Halt right there!” came a voice. Instantly the four were surrounded by two dozen ponies, some magically weilding swords. “Who are you?” demanded a pony in shining armor. “The horses are talking,” observed Crusher. “Fascinating,” responded Data. “We’re ponies,” replied the aggitated pony. “Are you with the invaders?” Riker spoke up, “No. We followed them through a temporal vortex. We are here to help in any way he can.” He eyed them suspiciously. “The princesses will decide if you are telling the truth.” He led them upstairs and into the castle. “Counselor?” asked Riker. “I sense they are frightened and suspicious, but they are willing to hear what we have to say,” explained Troi. “Sir?” asked Data to Riker. “Yes Data?” “I’m detecting high concentrations of the radiation coming from the ponies.” “My tricorder shows the same,” confirmed Crusher. “Your highnesses,” informed the pony, “these strangers say they are here to help us.” Two ponies with wings looked up from a map they’d been studying. One was tall, white, and had a sun symbol on her flank. The other was small and purple, with a stylized star on her flank. They trotted over to the away team. “Who are you?” asked the tall one. “I am Commander Riker of the Federation starship Enterprise. These are members of my crew,” he gestured to those around him, “Lt Commander Data... Counselor Troi... Doctor Crusher.” “I am Princess Celestia of Canterlot, and this is Princess Twilight Sparkle.” The purple pony spoke up, “Where are you from? Who are these invaders? What are they doing to everypony? What can –” A raised hoof from Celestia cut off her off. “We are from the United Federation of Planets located in the Alpha Quadrant. We followed the Borg here after they attached our planet.” “The Borg?” asked Twilight. Data spoke up, “The Borg is the designation of the species attacking your planet. They are cybernetic creatures with a collective intelligence. They assiminate other species against their will to gain their knowledge and expand their territory.” “Gain their knowledge,” mused Twilight. “Is there a way to stop them?” asked Celestia. Data continued, “The invasion must be stopped as soon as possible. They quickly adapt to any countermeasures.” “Pirncess Celestia?” spoke Twilight. “Yes Twilight?” “I think I know how to defeat them.” “You do?” “I’m going to befriend them.” “The Borg are not interested in friendship but conquest,” said Riker. “Princess Twilight has had much success in reforming our enemies. I will let her try,” said Celestia. “I will accompany you to your ship to confer with your leadership,” said Celestia. “Where is it?” “It’s in orbit above the planet,” explained Troi, causing Celestia to raise an eyebrow. “Riker to Enterprise.” “Go ahead Will,” came Picard’s voice. “One of the leaders would like to come to the Enterprise to coordinate the defense.” “Understood. We will beam them up.” “Beam?” questioned Celestia. “The transporter system converts matter-to-energy and back again, enabling transport from one location to another.” “It’s perfectly safe,” assured Crusher. “We have something like that here,” said Celestia, eliciting a confused reaction from the away team. “Riker to Enterprise, one to beam up.” Within seconds Celestia was gone. ~~~ Twilight approached an assimilated pony. It was herding a group of recently assimated townsfolk into a central collection area for beam up to the Sphere. “I have come to join you,” said Twilight. The pony turned to her and impaled her in the neck. ~~~ Picard had met hundreds of species, and made first contact with many of them. He had commanded three starships, losing two of them in battle. He had traveled time, faced death on countless occassions, and brokered galactic shaping negotiations. But nothing could have prepared him for this. Across the conference table sat a regal white unicorn, with large majestic wings, and a tiara on top. She had spoken to him about the Borg invasion to her land and how it might be stopped with friendship. “Bridge to Picard,” came a voice over the comm system. “Picard here,” he replied. “We are being hailed by the Borg.” “I’m on my way.” Turning to Celestia, he asked, “Won’t you accompany me?” The two left the staff room and entered the bridge. “On screen,” he ordered. Instantly the screen showed the inside of the Borg Sphere. In the foreground stood a purple unicorn, fully assimilated and covered with implants. Standing beside her was a female Borg, who had white oily skin but lacked the implants of other Borg. She addressed Captain Picard, “Hello. We came to this planet to assimilate its inhabitants and aquire its technology. We did not understand friendship. But by assimilating Princess Twilight Sparkle, all of us have learned the magic of friendship. We want to extend the hand of friendship to Equestria and the Federation.” Celestia gave a small smile. Twilight had put herself in the gravest of danger for what she believed. Now all creatures – ponies, humans, Borg – would live in peace in friendship. She could sense a new golden age for all. Picard spoke up, “Thank you for your kind words. They were truly good to hear. All I have to say is ‘Now Mr. Worf!’” Worf pushed a button on the tactical control. Instantly three white quantum torpedoes streaked across space and slammed into the Borg Sphere. It blew apart in a massive explosion that could be seen below in Ponyville. But most were focused on the Borg, who started short-circuiting and writing in pain before they collapsed and died. A horrified and shocked Celestia turned to Picard. “What did you do?” “I’ve saved your world and mine,” declared Picard. InfomercialHi, I'm Philly Mays. Are you an earth pony or unicorn? Do you have an annoying pegasus for a neighbor? Do they keep bragging how great it is to fly? Are you constantly having to rake up pegasus feathers that your neighbor claims aren't theirs? Is your house bombarded by horse apples from the sky? Well, I have the product for you! Introducing the Hawk. Just one simple push of a button and your problems will be gone! Using our advanced radar, the Hawk missile system will track and target any air objects over your property. When it detects them, the Hawk will automatically launch missiles: Wow! Look at it go! Let's hear from one of our happy customers: Ah was constantly bothered by this one pegasus who always ate my apple crop. Then every fall she'd sneak some cider. But the Hawk solved all mah problems. Now this year, Ah won't have to worry 'bout her cheatin' with wings at the Runnin' of the Leaves. You'll get it all for the low price of 19.95 million bits. But wait! As part of this special TV offer, you'll get a second missile launcher absolutely free! That's six missiles for the price of three! Operators are standing by! TV Static Cookie Thief"Hello?" called Pinkie Pie as she looked in the map room. But the crystal chairs sat empty around the silent map. Pinkie headed down the hall and poked her head into the library. "Anypony here?" she asked. Pinkie Pie kept moving about the castle, in an unsuccessful search for Twilight, Spike, and Starlight. Eventually she reached the kitchen. "Twilight? Spike? Are you here?" Nothing. She started to turn back to the door, when something caught her attention. She saw a small cookie jar sitting on the counter. Not having had anything sugary for at least half an hour, her mouth began to water. Slowly she crept over to the jar, the note before it giving her pause: Spike's Cookies Do Not Eat!!! Still, she craved something sugary. Nevermind her syrup-drenched pancakes, danish, and large glass of orange juice for breakfast. Forget her morning chocolate bars. Don't take into account her monster milkshake she had along with her hayburger. And ignore her cans of energy drinks that afternoon. She needed sugar!!! Carefully she removed the lid and stared in awe of the pile of scrumptious cookies, glistening with sugary goodness. She shouldn't! After all, they were Spike's. Still, would he miss a cookie? Just one cookie? And they were friends after all, weren't they? Aren't friends supposed to share? She removed one cookie, replacing the lid on the cookie jar. She examined the cookie. Not too small as to be unsatisfying. Not too big that it couldn't be eaten in a single bite. Molded by a true artist. Large chips filling every nook and cranny. Perfect in every respect. Pinkie shoved the cookie into her mouth with glee and began chewing.... Crunch! Crack! Suddenly in excruciating pain, she spit it out onto the counter. She took a closer look. Amongst the mush of the cookie were white pieces of teeth and chocolate diamond chips. TV Static The Magic DuelTrixie stood there, dumbfounded. Even though she wielded the Alicorn Amulet, Twilight had been able to match her in every round. Twilight had performed age spells, gender spells, and even a spell to make Pinkie Pie be a one-pony band. Now, with her dictatorship on the line, Trixie needed something big. And not just powerful, a spell that would win the restless mobs to her side. She knew she had but one option. She focused all her magic and let out a powerful spell. Suddenly, all the buildings of Ponyville transformed into cases of Bud Light. Shouts of "Dilly! Dilly!" rang out, followed by cheers for Trixie. Twilight lowered her head in defeat. TV Static Luna's LaboratoryLuna sat deep in the dungeons - former dungeons - below Canterlot. Since her - reappearance?... redemption?... return from exile?... salvation?... purge?... there were so many ways to describe it - she had found solace and happiness in her laboratory. Past the locked doors dwelled the smartest pony you've ever seen. She made Equestria-shattering discoveries and engineered the most amazing inventions. "Eureka!" She shouted and raised her forelegs in triumph. Her greatest creation was complete. This called for a celebration! She walked over to the fridge and pulled forth a special bottle she'd been saving for this special occasion. She opened it, poured it into a long-stem glass. Raising it up to her lips, she enjoyed the wonderful taste, feeling the bubbles tickle her throat. Ahhh. Nothing satisfied like root beer. "Oooooooo!!!!! What is this?" Luna spat out her drink. "P.P.!!! What are you doing here?" "Just visiting one of my best friends!" smiled Pinkie Pie. "You know you're not allowed here." "Aww," whined Pinkie. "Why?" "Well, let's see... there was the time you blew up my new reactor... the time you created a thousand clones of yourselves... the time you ate my special cookies and grew to be a thousand feet tall... the time you switched my brain with that of a mouse's.... Should I go on?" "Yes! All those times were super fun!" "For you maybe. Now P.P., you must leave. I'll show you the way out." Luna led Pinkie Pie through the lab, past machines of incredible wonder, boiling beakers over Bunsen burners, and devices with buzzing Tesla coils. Luna saw the front door, relieved at no mayhem today. Until.... "Ooo! What does this button do?" asked Pinkie Pie. "No!" shouted Luna as she lunged towards the pink pony, but it was too late. Pinkie Pie pushed the large red button moments before being tackled by Luna. Suddenly groans and cracks filled the air. "No! It's too late!" cried Luna before teleporting herself and Pinkie Pie out of the lab. Luna and Pinkie Pie stood outside, watching Canterlot slide down the mountain. "What did I do?" asked Pinkie Pie. "P.P., you turned off the anti-gravity drive for Canterlot." "Uh?" asked a confused Pinkie Pie. "You thought Canterlot was held up by a powerful spell or pegasus magic?" TV Static Author's Note A tribute to one of the best shows of my youth - Dexter's Laboratory! Have a great Saturday! Dreadnought Say What? Dear Princess Celestia, This week, my very talented friend Rarity learned that if you try to please everypony, you often times end up pleasing nopony, especially yourself. And I learned this: when somepony offers to do you a favor, like making you a beautiful dress, you shouldn't be overly critical of something generously given to you. In other words, you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. - Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle Princess Celestia lowered the scroll, muttering to herself, "'You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth?' What the hell is she talking about?" TV Static Author's Note Yeah - check out the friendship lesson from Suited for Success. Does anyone else think this is messed up? Dreadnought MeetingPinkie Pie nervously shifted in her seat. Around her a dozen other ponies filled the conference room in Town Hall. Some talked, but many remained quiet. Finally, Bon Bon rose from her seat to address the assembled crowd. "Thank you for coming. Tonight we have a new member. Pinkie, would you like to speak?" Pinkie hesitantly stood up and looked into the expectant faces of everypony. "H-Hello. I'm Pinkie Pie and I'm a... a...." She shook her head as she finally admitted, "I'm a chocoholic." TV Static BABSCon"Say Cheese!" Click! "Thank you!" gushed the little girl. "My pleasure," said Andrea Libman. "Have a good time at the con!" The little girl left, and Andrea took a seat for the next fan in the autograph line. A figure approached, wearing long pants, a heavy trenchcoat, a scarf, large sunglasses and an oversized hat. The figure slid a picture of Pinkie Pie forward. "You'd like an autograph?" The figure nodded. "Okay." A moment later the autograph was complete and the figure departed, skipping to soft cheers of "Fun! Fun! Fun!" *** "And that's how I got Andrea Libman's autograph," said Pinkie Pie proudly. "Oh, okay," said Fluttershy. "Pinkie?" "Yes?" "Who's Andrea Libman?" TV Static Author's Note Just a little something that occurred to me as I was sitting in a panel. Dreadnought Allstate InsuranceDiscord lay on the stairs. "I'm a loose step on a darkened staircase." "Is somepony here?" called Starlight Glimmer from the second floor. "What happens when a bum who won't move out - " "Who's there?" " - comes down the stairs?" Starlight descended the staircase and suddenly tripped on the draconequus. "Whaa!!!" Thunk! Bang! Crack! Crrk! Starlight Glimmer lay unconscious at the bottom of the staircase, horn snapped in two, shoulder dislocated and leg broken. A bright purple glow came from the second floor. "What's going on?" yelled Twilight. Discord bolted through the front door of the castle and into the night. "If you have cut-rate insurance, you could be liable for these injuries. That's why you should get AllstateTM, so you can be protected from mayhem like me!" TV Static My Little PokemonPikachu said, "Pika, Pika, Pika-chu." Spearow replied, "Spearow! Spearow! Spearow!!!" "Pika! Pika! Pika!" "SPEAROW! SPEAROW! SPEAROW!!!" "PIKA! PIKA! PIKA!!!" The two stared angrily at each other, until Squirtle put a paw upon Pikachu's shoulder. "Squirtle, squirtle." "Pika, Pika?" "Squirtle, squirtle." "Pika, pika, pika?" "Squirtle." "Pikachu," sighed Pikachu. Looking back up to Spearow, he said, "Pika, pika, pika." Spearow landed and wrapped the pikachu in a hug. "Spearow." "Pika, Pika." * Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned a valuable lesson on friendship. One should listen before making judgements and give their friends the benefit of the doubt. Your faithful student, Pikachu Royal Wedding19 May 2018 "Do you, Prince Harry, take Meghan Markle to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do." "And do you, Meghan Markle, take Prince Harry to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." * Princess Cadence muted the television then turned to Shining Armor. "See. Not all royal weddings are disasters." TV Static Things Not To Say To Fluttershy"FLUTTERSHY CAN'T HARDLY FLY!" "Rabbit tastes really good." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Iron Will." "I've booked you as the opening act for Sapphire Shores's world tour." "I like Valley-girl Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I like Goth Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I like Alternate Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I'll sell you a cherry for fifty bits." "You've been made the official ambassador to the Dragon Lands." "Fruitbat roundup, fruitbat roundup!" "Shots! Shots! Shots!" "Why can't you be more like your brother?" Author's Note I've had rabbit before, on Easter Sunday no less. Mighty tasty. Oh course anything tastes good when you're out in the woods starving during survival training. Fairly Oddparents"!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!" Timmy Turner jumped around the corner, panting heavily. "Mr. Crocker -wheeze- is really going nuts today!" "I've never seen him this bad before," agreed Wanda, disguised as a pink pencil. Without thinking, Timmy said, "I wish he would go away for awhile." Cosmo and Wanda held up their wands. *POOF* One Week Later... "School was great today," said Timmy. "Yeah, ever since you wished Mr. Crocker away," said Cosmo. "I feel kinda bad about that. Maybe I should bring him back." "Are you sure?" asked Wanda. "Your life has been much better since he went away." "But he could be in a terrible place. I wish Mr. Crocker was back." The two fairies held up their wands. *POOF* Mr. Crocker appeared before Timmy. "Turner, I should have known. I was transported away to a far away land. I suspect it was due to magical creatures." "Fairies?" "PONIES!!!PONIES!!!PONIES!!!" Author's Note Haven't watched this show in a long time, but this idea hit me the other day. The Answer"Twilight?" called Applejack. Nothing. "Twilight, Ah'm here with your weekly delivery of apples!" Still nothing. The castle was eerily deserted. Applejack dropped a sack of apples off in the kitchen. "Where could she be? It's not like her to leave the castle unattended," she wondered. Applejack wandered the hallways looking for her friend. Finally, she came to the library, which really she should have checked first, for hunched over a table was Twilight. Her head lay on a stack of books, drool coming from the corner of her mouth and saturating the parchment on which she had been working. With every snore her wings twitched a little, and occasionally her horn would momentarily bear a faint glow. Applejack couldn't help but smile. It was so cute. The scene reminded her of times when Apple Bloom would fall asleep while planning crusades for her cutie mark. Turning towards the door, she stopped. She knew Twilight would be upset that her drool was ruining her hard work. Applejack walked over and gathered up the parchment, glancing down at the work. "Huh," she muttered to herself. Well, best to help a friend out. Applejack borrowed a quill and scribbled the answer. Suddenly her vision was filled with a bright orange light and she felt herself torn apart.... Applejack stood on a cloud, staring up at a starry sky. It was like something from a long forgotten dream. In the distance a shape approached. Its blurry form slowly cleared to reveal Princess Celestia. Applejack bowed, "Princess." "There's no need for that," chuckled Celestia. Applejack stood upright. "What's going on?" she asked, rubbing her head. "You're one of the few ponies to come here. It's a very special place." "Where are we?" "It's the magical plane. It's where Twilight came before she ascended." "But why am Ah here?" Princess Celestia paused. "I'm not sure. What were you doing before you teleported?" "Well, Ah was in the library, and there was this scroll Twilight was workin' on. Ah knew the answer so I wrote it down." "Awe, I see. That was a special project I had given Twilight. Ponies since the beginning of time have been looking for the answer." "Really?" "Yes. And by finding the answer, you have done discovered something that not even the great Starswirl The Bearded could find. For this, you will be rewarded." Applejack shifted uneasily. "Does that mean what Ah think it means." Celestia nodded. "Yes, you will be returned to Ponyville, but not as the earth pony you once were. You've ascended to become an alicorn - Equestria's newest princess." Shaking her head, she said, "Ah don't believe it." "You've come such a long way Applejack. Your destiny awaits. But, before you transform, tell me: What is the answer?" "The answer?" "The answer to the greatest question of them all." "Uh - well...." "There's no need to be humble, Applejack. You can tell me." "Well, okay then." Princess Celestia leaned forward in anticipation. "Forty-two." Celestia blinked. "Come again?" "Forty-two." TV STATIC Author's Note It's a milestone! I've officially hit 10,000 words on this story! Thanks for reading! And yes, the answer is a nod to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Dreadnought Shameless plug: New story!!! When Worlds Collide... Things Not To Say To Rainbow Dash"Didn't you hear? There was an apple blight, so there won't be any cider this year." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Zephyr Breeze." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Quibble Pants." "Turtles suck." "What are the 'Wonderbolts?'" "Have a pie!" "Chicken!" "You're so not cool." "So, are you secretly Scootaloo's mother?" "Daring Do books suck!" TV STATIC Nobel PrizeOn the television: "...And so, the Nobel Prize for Literature goes to... SuperMegaBrony12 for elevating the art of fan fiction writing." Sitting at the bar, Willie put down his beer and turned to Joe, "You've got to be kidding me!" "Well, they did give it to Bob Dylan," retorted Joe. TV Static Author's Note With the Nobel Prizes being announced, this chapter seemed appropriate. Only, I've found out that there will be no Prize for Literature this year. Oh well, I didn't want to wait till next year. Besides, who knows? They've chosen some strange laureates in the past! Dreadnught Fall Formal CleanupTwilight Sparkle surveyed the damage to the Canterlot High School gymnasium. "I know it seems impossible, but, maybe if we all work together?" "Now that's the kinda can-do spirit I'm lookin' for in a Fall Formal Princess! Let's do it, y'all!" exclaimed Applejack. "And I know the perfect motivation," said Twilight. "What?" Five minutes later, everyone was chanting: "Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!" TV STATIC Things not to say to Pinkie PieThings no one should ever say to Pinkie Pie: "I like you better when you're depressed." "You are not, and will never be, my friend." "♫Come on everypony frown, frown frown, Fill your heart up with sadness, sadness ♫." "Isn't Smile HD the greatest video ever!!!" "In my fan fiction, you're shipped with Zesty Gourmand." "In my fan fiction, you're shipped with Mudbriar." "You know when Gummy grows up, he's going to eat you?" "Laughter? What kind of Element is that?" "You don't look like any other members of your family. Are you adopted?" "Yaks are terrible!" "Your yovidaphone playing sucks!!!" "I just bought Sugarcube Corner, and... You're Fired!!!" "You just drank the silence water from the Kirin village." "Didn't you hear? There was an apple blight, so there won't be any cider this year." "Your pies suck!" "You need to cut down on your sugar consumption." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but all of your teeth have cavities." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have been diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're having you committed." TV STATIC Author's Note Well, I finally finished up the Main 6. Hope you enjoyed the sketches! Dreadnought The Offer... "Aw, that was a really sweet story - until the end," said Trixie. Thorax sighed, "I know Pharynx loved me in his own way, and I know there's still good in him." Haaaa-Hsssss. Haaaa-Hsssss. A black figure rose up from behind Thorax. "Pharynx!" cried Thorax. "If you only knew the power of the dark side. Come, join me, and we can rule Equestria as brothers!" TV Static Briddle Gossip - Alternate EndingLotus Blossom said, "Miss Zecora, I would love to get the recipe for this bath. It's simply luxurious!" Looking around, Apple Bloom asked, "Applejack! Hey, where's Applejack?!" Everyone gasped as they held their breathes. Zecorra stood up and looked behind her, quickly frowning. "Little Apple Bloom, you know what? I seem to have squashed her with my butt." TV STATIC History LessonAt an elementary school, a short first-grader stood before his class. He gazed out upon the eyes upon him. "Go on, present your history lesson," encouraged his teacher. The little boy swallowed, then said: "For want of the nail, the horseshoe was lost. For want of the horseshoe, the horse was lost. For want of the horse, the rider was lost. For want of the rider, the message was lost. For want of the message, the battle was lost. For the loss of the battle, the war was lost." The teacher clapped her hooves together. "Very good, very good," she said, moving a few stray strands of her mane out of her face. Meanwhile, in Equestria: At an elementary school, a timid first-grader stood before his class. He gazed out upon the eyes upon him. "Go on," encouraged Cheerilee. The colt began: "Agent 99 bucked her rider. For want of the rider, the message was lost. For want of the message, the battle was lost. For the loss of the battle, Equestria conquered Earth. Agent 99 was awarded a Hero of Equestria medal." "Outstanding!" the teacher praised. TV STATIC Look Before You Sleep - Alternate Ending 2Rarity turned to Applejack, "Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed." The earth pony retorted, "My hooves ain't muddy." "They were. There might still be a little on them." "There ain't. See?" Applejack shoved her hooves in Rarity's face. "Eww!" cried Rarity. She rolled over and took the blanket for herself. "Now who's bein' inconsiderate?" demanded Applejack, yanking the blanket back. Rarity slid off the bed and onto the floor. "I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up!" She shoved Applejack off the bed. "Hey!" Rarity remade the bed, tucking in and smoothing the sheets. Just as her friend was about to climb in, Rarity stopped her. "Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this." The unicorn carefully slid between the sheets. Taken aback, Applejack said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Geronimo!" she yelled as she leapt onto the bed and took the blanket. "Hey! " Applejack let out a satisfied sigh. "You did that on purpose!" "Um, yeah?" "Get up so I can fix it again," demanded Rarity. "Can't hear ya, I'm asleep." Applejack pretended to snore. Grabbing the blanket in her mouth, Rarity yanked it back. "I ain't budgin'," declared Applejack. "You will if you want any blankets," muttered Rarity through teeth clenched around the blanket. The two began a tug of war over the blanket. "Enough!" yelled Twilight. "I'm going to use a sleeping spell so I can get a descent night's rest." Lighting her horn, she became enveloped in an aura, before letting out a loud yawn and blissfully falling to sleep. ~~~ Twilight felt the warmth of the sun on her face and opened her eyes. She smiled at the restful sleep she had experienced the night before. She really didn't like using sleeping spells, but she couldn't argue with the results. What a great night's sleep! She felt so refreshed and energetic. About to sit up, she froze as she heard the voices from across the room. "How'da like last night?" whispered Applejack. "It was wonderful. The most romantic night of my life," whispered Rarity. "Really?" "Yes, darling. And you know what?" "What?" "I like how the cowpony rides." Applejack giggled loudly. "Shhh!!! We don't want to wake Twilight up." "Pa-leze. If she didn't wake up during our five hours of wrestling, nothin' will wake her up...." TV Static New Business ModelKnock! Knock! Knock! The door opened to reveal two unicorn stallions in striped shirts and straw hats. "Miss Vinyl Scratch?" asked the one with a moustache. She nodded her head. "I'm Flam and this is my brother Flim. We're here to do a free septic tank cleaning." Knock! Knock! Knock! The door opened. "Flim and Flam I see," noted Rarity. "What do you want." "We're giving free septic tank cleanings," said Flam. In a remarkable imitation of Applejack, Rarity raised her eyebrow. "I assure you it's completely free." Knock! Knock! Knock! The door opened. "Flim and Flam," said Twilight icily. "We're here for a free septic tank cleaning," said Flim. "What are you two up to?" she asked. The next day... Movin' OutAt Hasbro Headquarters: "Hmm...," thought the executive. "My Little Pony merchandise sales are down." "How about a new playset?" suggested another. In Season 9: Pinkie Pie threw a trunk into the awaiting cart. Applejack and Twilight walked up. "What'cha doin' Pinkie Pie?" asked the cowpony. "Moving out," responded Pinkie. "Why?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea. But I'm getting my own super-doper house here in Ponyville!" TV STATIC HackAt a secret government facility: "I did it!" yelled the technician. "What?" asked the supervisor. "The ultimate hack!" "Really!?" "Yes!" "Russia?" "No." "China?" "No." "North Korea?" "No." "Iran?" "No." "Who then?" "Hasbro." "Hasbro?" confirmed the supervisor. "Yes." "Why would you hack Hasbro?" "My Little Pony Season 9." "You used government resources to hack Hasbro to get My Little Pony Season 9?" "Uh... yes?" "I won't report this as long as you burn me a copy." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 1As the Jeep came to a stop, Dr. Grant gazed absently out of the side of the vehicle. His mouth fell open and he stood up. "This plant isn't possible," commented Dr. Sattler. She felt a hand on her head twist her neck. Seeing the sight before her, she also stood up in the Jeep. In the distance an orange mare with a blonde mane and Stetson arranged baskets beneath an apple tree. "It's - it's a pony," Dr. Grant said. "He did it. The crazy son-of-a-bitch did it," remarked Dr. Malcolm. Bam! The mare bucked the tree and apples fell down. "Are they intelligent? Can they talk. How magical are they?" sputtered Dr. Grant. "Well, the draconequus can bend reality," replied Hammond. "You have a draconequus!" exclaimed Dr. Grant. "We have a draconequus," repeated Hammond. As Dr. Grant sat down on the grass in shock, Hammond continued, "My dear Dr. Grant, welcome to Pony Park." Dr. Grant gazed off into the distance and noted, "They move in herds. They do move in herds." TV STATIC Author's Note I've seen Jurassic Park way too many times. Sorry I haven't been active lately - military training. 'nuff said. Dreadnought TrumpNine o'clock, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue... "Good evening Mister President," greeted the Secret Service agent as his boss walked down the hall. "I want to be alone for the rest of the night," said President Trump. "Yes, sir." Without another word, Trump entered his bedroom and shut the door behind him.... Trump gazed out the window and reflected.... Losing the popular vote. Winning the electoral college. Michael Flynn. Midnight tweets. Rex Tillerson. The Muller Investigation. Pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. James Comey. Steve Bannon. Saturday Night Live. Mike Pompeo. Jeff Sessions. Afternoon tweets. Neil Gorsuch. Trump Tower. Pulling out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. William Barr. Ryan Zinke. Talks with North Korea. Divided government. General Mattis. The Democrats in power. Trade war with China. Brett Kavanaugh. Morning tweets. Tax cuts. Massive rallies. National emergency. NAFTA replaced. Yes, chaos had expanded in two years. He slipped a smile before letting out a large yawn. Trump turned to his bed and removed his clothes. He paused for a moment before taking off his suit. He stretched his mismatched pair of wings before climbing into bed. Quickly he scribbled a short note: Dear Fluttershy, My new job has kept me extremely busy. I will be in Ponyville next week and would like to meet for tea. Discord Pony Park - Part 2"Actually they can't breed in the wild. Population control is one of our safety features," explained Dr. Wu. "There's no unauthorized breeding in Pony Park." "How do you know they can't breed?" asked Malcolm. "Because all the creatures in Pony Park are female. We've engineered them that way." "But again, how do you know they're all female?" "It's really not that difficult. Most of the characters are already female. We simply don't clone the male figures." "John the kind of control you're attempting is not possible. Life will not be contained - life will find a way." "You're proposing that a herd of mares will... breed?" asked Dr. Wu. "Does 'magical, talking pony' mean anything to you?" countered Malcolm. TV STATIC Rock StarMaud Pie held the note for a long time before it faded away. "Wow, I didn't know you could play like that!" exclaimed Starlight. "I was the lead guitarist for a rock band," remarked Maud. "Which one?" "The Rolling Stones." "Figures." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 3Looking down at the bundle of adorable fur in his hands, Dr. Grant asked, "What character is this?" Dr. Wu replied, "Nightmare Moon." "You bred Nightmare Moon?" confirmed Dr. Grant. TV STATIC DinnerAnon sat around a table, surrounded by ponies. Mouthwatering smells wafted in from the kitchen. His stomach growled in anticipation. A unicorn walked in, levitating a large platter overflowing with food. "I hope you're hungry," she said. Anon declared, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" The platter smashed upon the floor. Mares drinking from their glasses dropped them, followed by the sounds of shattering glass. Off in the distance, a foal let out a loud cry. Anon shuffled uneasily in his seat. TV STATIC Author's Note Maybe cliche, but still funny. Pony Park - Part 4Climbing the stairs, Malcolm turned to Dr. Grant, "So, what do you think?" "I think we're out of jobs." "Don't you mean cancelled?" TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 5Dr. Grant stood before the enclosure as a large sack was lifted off the ground. "What are they doing?" he asked. "Supplying them," replied Hammond. The sack was lowered into the enclosure. Within moments the foliage shook as disturbing sounds came from below.... "Fabulous." "Gems!" "Darling." "They should all be destroyed," said a stranger. "Robert Muldoon, our game warden," introduced Hammond. "They're dangerous," he said. "Dangerous?" questioned Dr. Grant. "That's why we have to supply them like this. Before, they used to go after our suppliers, attempting to get their measurements and dress them in new clothes." TV STATIC Author's Note This story is mostly original (as much as a parody can be). But I did take inspiration from the "VelociRarities" in: Pony Park - Part 6Author's Note Note: This is the third chapter I published today. Be sure to check the others out! Pony Park - Part 6 Tim smiled up at Dr. Grant, "I read your book." "Well, that's - great." "Do you really think pegasi turned into bat ponies?" Dr. Grant climbed into the Explorer. "They share many of the characteristics of pegasi." Tim climbed into the seat next to him. "We've only seen bat ponies on a few occasions. In the episode Luna Eclipsed they pulled her chariot. And in - " Dr. Grant exited the Explorer followed by Tim. "- the Cutie Re-Mark they show up in an alternate timeline." Dr. Grant leaned down. "Listen - uh...." "Tim." "Which car were you planning on riding in?" "Whichever one you are." Dr. Grant walked towards the first Explorer. Tim continued, "They are all over the fanfiction. And there's another guy - " Dr. Grant opened the door. Tim climbed in, but never ceased to talk, "- that says they're not really a separate tribe, but just pegasi under magic. And then - " Dr. Grant slammed the door and walked back towards the second Explorer. TV STATIC Cutie MarksSomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.Things not to say to Princess LunaThings no one should ever say to Princess Luna: "If you and Celestia are such great sisters, how come you never compete together at the Sisterhooves Social?" "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Celestia." "All hail Nightmare Moon!" "Me? I'm Cobb. I'm here to do inception." "Remember the Tantabus?" "I can't hear you. Can you use the Royal Canterlot Voice?" "All the children are afraid of you." "Let me show you the true power of the Elements of Harmony." "I bet you're scared of the dark." "All hail Daybreaker!" "Insomnia is great. It means you'll never get a chance to invade my dreams." "You were in my dream last night. You weren't wearing anything as you laid in my bed. Then you - You know what? Forget I said that." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 7Dr. Grant hopped from the moving Explorer. "See? See? I'm right again," boasted Malcolm. "No one could have predicted that Dr. Grant would jump out of a moving vehicle." Dr. Sattler followed after Grant. "And there's another example. See now I'm by myself, talking to myself. That's - that's chaos." Dr. Grant led the party out into the field. Suddenly they were met by a large, white pony prostrate upon the ground. The group moved about examining the pony. "Celestia was my favorite as a kid, now she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," noted Dr. Grant. "She's not feeling well," stated the park veterinarian. "I think it's something to do with her magic." "The only way to be sure is to look at her droppings," said Dr. Sattler. … Malcolm moved about the droppings. "That is one big pile of shit." "You mean manure?" asked Dr. Sattler. TV STATIC Author's Note After reading Jphyper's comment I knew I had to include this. Credit where credit is due! In BedBig Mac rolled over and laid next to Rainbow Dash. He had a huge smile on his face and smiled in contentment. "That was great," he boasted. "Yeah," said Rainbow Dash passively. "What's a matter? We've been lookin' forward to tonight all week." "It was good, just... did it have to be ten seconds flat?" TV STATIC In Bed - Part IIAuthor's Note Be sure to read the previous chapter! In Bed - Part II "So ya sayin' that you didn't enjoy tonight?" asked Big Mac. "No, it's just..." Rainbow Dash trailed off. "What?" "It needed to be - I don't know - twenty percent cooler." TV STATIC From the HeadlinesSomething has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.Things not to say to Princess CadenceThings no one should ever say to Princess Cadence: "Shining Armor is just a trophy husband, isn't he?" "Who's Flurry Heart's real father?" "In my fanfic you're shipped with Chrysalis." "In my fanfic you're shipped with Tirek." "What is it you'd say you do around here?" "If you're the Princess of Love, then why are all your friends single?" "Princess of Love? More like Princess of Kinky." "Chrysalis made a better Princess Cadence." "All hail King Sombra!" "I hate pink." "I read a book about you and Shining Armor. It was called Fifty Shades of Neigh." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 9Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! One by one the wires of the electrical fence broke. The large dragon stepped out from it's enclosure and let out a deafening roar. "Keep absolutely still," commanded Grant. "Its vision is based on movement." The dragon paused and said, "Yes, but my hearing is perfectly good." TV STATIC Units of measurement1 bigmac = 2 applejacks = 10 appleblooms = 100 twilights = 200 sweeties = 1000 fluttershys = 80 horsepower = 59656 watts TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 10Hammond sat alone at the large table, eating ice cream. Dr. Sattler sat down across from him. "They were all melting," he explained. After a long pause, he continued, "I wanted to show them something real... something not devoid of merit." "But you can't think through this John, you have to feel it." Hammond chuckled. "You're right. You're absolutely right. Now Generation 5 will be better." "But the fans love Generation 4. I didn't have enough respect for the power of the fans, but it's out now." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 11"I can see the shed from here. We can make it if we run," said Dr. Sattler. "No, we can't," countered Muldoon. "Why not?" "Because we're being hunted." "Oh God." "In the bushes, straight ahead." Off in the distance there was a flash of purple. "It's alright," he assured. "Like hell it is." "Run. Towards the shed. I got her." He turned to Dr. Sattler and commanded, "Go. Now!" Ellie took off towards the maintenance shed. Meanwhile Muldoon moved deeper into the jungle. He came to a fallen tree and gently sat his hat upon the trunk. He expanded the stock of his rifle and set his sights for the pony in the distance. His finger pulling on the trigger, the bush beside him shook and a pony emerged. "Clever girl," remarked Muldoon. He turned his gun towards the pony and suddenly was enveloped in a magical aura. "I'm going to make you fabulous!" declared the unicorn as she ripped off his clothes and levitated a new suit in her aura. TV STATIC Author's Note Wow! A thousand views on this rambling collection of sketches! Dreadnought Pony Park - Chapter 12Tim dug into a large piece of cake, trying to satiate his hunger. Smiling, he looked up to his sister. Lex had a look of horror on her face as the jello on her spoon shook violently. Turning around, he saw the silhouette of a unicorn. The two rushed into the kitchen, shutting the door and taking shelter behind a counter. The doorknob turned and the door swung open. "It's inside," whispered a terrified Lex. "I found it!" called the unicorn. Lex peeked over the counter towards the two unicorn fillies, who were busying themselves in the kitchen. Both were white and had pinkish-purplish manes and blank flanks. One was messing with a toaster while another was pouring soup into a saucepan. "Follow me," commanded Lex. The siblings silently crawled on the floor toward the exit. Suddenly bits of flaming soup began erupting from the pan, and Tim took cover behind a counter. He unknowingly knocked a ladle onto the floor. Clunk! "What was that?" asked the first Sweetie. Lex motioned for Tim to follow her, but he was frozen with terror. The Sweeties began searching the kitchen. Tap!Tap!Tap! The Sweeties looked and saw a girl. "Taste tester!" cried the big one. She rushed toward the terrified girl, only to slam into the reflection of a stainless steel cabinet. With confusion reigning, Tim made a break for the open freezer. Brandishing a glass filled with grey slime, the other Sweetie cried, "Try my toast!" She raced after the boy. The two entered the freezer and slipped on the floor. Sweetie slid into a rack and boxes of defrosting food fell on her. After a moment, Tim scrambled to his feet and slammed the door shut and locked the Sweetie inside. The siblings raced for the exit as the big Sweetie shook off her stupor. TV STATIC Federation membershipCaptain Picard rose from his chair behind his desk. "Greetings, Princess Celestia." Princess Celestia walked through the door. "Captain Picard, so good to see you." Picard motioned to the chair, "Please, have a seat." "Thank you," she said, taking a spot on the couch. Picard chose a seat opposite her. "How are things in Equestria?" "Good, good. It's springtime in Equestria, which is always very nice." "I'm glad to hear that." An awkward silence fell over the room. "Captain, I came to find out the status on our application for Federation membership." "I was afraid you would want to know." "Is something the matter?" "I'm afraid that the Federation Council has rejected your application." "Rejected?" asked a shocked Celestia. "Yes, Princess." "May I ask why?" "Well several reasons. First, your world is not yet united. These are various competing nations. If we admitted Equestria, we'd be taking sides in an intraplanetary dispute. Then there's the fact that Equestria is a monarchy. We strive for democracy in the Federation. The Council was also disturbed that citizens are required to work in fields that are chosen for them. We believe that everyone should be able to chose their own line of work, not what is shown on their flank. Finally, we take civilizations that are at least warp capable. Though you managed to send your sister to the moon, you have yet to even achieve true spaceflight. I'm afraid it will be a long time until you would be accepted into the Federation." "I see." Celestia thought for a moment before rising from her seat. "Perhaps we should join the Dominion." "The Dominion?" asked a startled Captain Picard. "Yes, they've just accepted the Cardassian Union, I'm sure that they will accept us." "Uh, I'm sure we can work something out." TV STATIC Pony Park - Part 13Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler helped Lex and Tim from the rubble to their feet. They moved towards the door when a changeling blocked their exit. They backed up and realized there was another changeling behind them. The two changelings closed in and lit their horns, ready to strike. Suddenly a blast of magical energy hit the one changeling. The second turned towards the intruder and lunged. The two engaged in a vicious fight. Dr. Grant and the other three made a break for the exit to an awaiting Jeep. The changeling was hurtled across the room and slammed into a wall. Tirek let out a cry of victory while a banner fluttered down, proclaiming "Friendship is Magic." TV STATIC Author's Note I hate moving! FugitiveApplejack raced to the end of the tunnel. Beyond was empty sky, with the massive dam spillway below. "Hold it!" came a voice from behind. Applejack spun in place and saw an irate pink pony blocking her escape. "I didn't break a Pinkie Promise!" declared Applejack. "I don't care!" responded Pinkie Pie. "You're coming with me!" Applejack paused for a moment before leaping off the dam. TV STATIC Author's Note For those of you who need a refresher: PlottingTwilight sighed. Her carefully laid plans had failed. Again. Oh! When would she find victory!? "Come Pinkie," she said, "we have to prepare for tomorrow night." "What are we doing tomorrow night Twi?" said the bouncing pink pony. "The same thing we do every night Pinkie: try to take over the world!" ♪ #Insert copyrighted song here# ♫ TV STATIC Wedding CrashersBerry Punch gave a wry smile. "Do you know what season it is?" "Wedding season!" cheered White Lightning. "Yes!" "Which ones should we crash?" asked White Lightning. "The ones with open bars!" TV STATIC TicketPinkie Pie walked into the convenience store. She made her way to the kiosk and drew a card. "Lets see," she mused. "1... 2... 3... 4-" Suddenly she began bouncing wildly. "Wow, that was a doozy." She marked the number four. "5... 6... 7... 8... 9-" She bounced wildly again. She marked the number nine. "10... 11-" She bounced again and marked the number. "12... 13... 14... 15... 16-" She bounced then marked the number. "17... 18... 19-" She bounced before marking the number. "20... 21... 22... 23... 24... 25-" She bounced wildly again. She turned and walked to the counter. The overweight pony looked down at the pink pony. "Can I help you?" "Yes indeedy. I'd like one lotto ticket with numbers 4, 9, 11, 16, 19 and 25." TV STATIC Currency1 bit coin is known as a "Flurry" 5 bit coin is known as a "Twilight" 10 bit coin is known as a "Cadance" 20 bit coin is known as a "Luna" 50 bit coin is known as a "Celestia" 100 bit coin is known as a "Platinum" -1 bit coin is known as a "Puddinghead" TV STATIC Author's Note On my way to my new unit! Text MessagesApplejack: "hey won't be at CHS tomorrow." Sunset: "?" Applejack: "funeral." Sunset: "LOL" Applejack: "?" Sunset: "LOL" Applejack: "are u making fun of me :-(" Sunset: "No. Why?" Applejack: "LOL" Sunset: "So?" Applejack: "Laughing out loud" Sunset: "Oh" Sunset: "I thought it was lots of love." Applejack: "y'all need to work on yer texting" TV STATIC Author's Note This is a real thing. It has happened. Fortunately not by me. Oracle"The oracle is in there," said Morpheus, pointing towards the kitchen. Neo stepped towards the open door. Morpheus cautioned, "Just, know... she's not what you'd expect." Neo nodded and entered the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes went wide. The zebra looked up and smiled. "Your eyes do not deceive. I am truly what you perceive." TV STATIC Apple Stand II"...or some apple pie?" offered Applejack. TV STATIC Author's Note Off the ferry. Apple Stand III"...Or could Ah sell ya some candy apples?" suggested Applejack. TV STATIC Author's Note Back on the ferry. The Apple Business"Seat's taken." "Taken." The man found a seat. The companion sharing his seat addressed him: " 'ave you ever been to a real apple orchard?" "No, but Ah've been to a farm," the man replied. "Ah'm takin' 'bout a real apple orchard. Ah've worked there all mah life." She introduced herself, "Ah'm Heather Nicole Jacqueline Apple. Folks call me 'Applejack', like one of them rednecks. Can ya believe that?" "Mah name's Forest Gump. People call me 'Forest Gump'." "Ah know everythin' there is to know 'bout the apple business. Matter of fact, Ah'm goin' into the apple business mahself afta Ah get outta the Army." "Okay." The pair worked their M-16s: Applejack started, "Ya can do many things wit apples. Ya can eat 'em raw, bake 'em, broil 'em. There's apple pie, apple strudel, apple jam, apple jelly, apple butter..." The two polished their boots: "...apple juice, apple cider, apple tea, apple sauce..." The two wiped down the floor: "...apple danishes, apple brandy, apple ale, apple coleslaw..." The two peeled potatoes for KP duty: "...apple turnovers, Dutch apple pie, apple cheesecake..." The two ran in formation: "...apple pancakes, apple fritters, apple biscuits..." The two sat at the dining facility: "...apple bisque, candy apples, caramel apples, apple tarts..." The two made their beds: "...apple ice cream. That's it.... ... ...Apple bread, apple soup, apple hash...." TV STATIC Author's Note Pop the champagne! My 100th chapter! For those who don't get the reference: Red BullStarlight locked the door. She turned to the table in her room and the six pack sitting on it. If she was right, this would change everything. Ten minutes later... "Who-Hoo!" cried Starlight as she flew over Ponyville. Applejack looked up in the sky. "Is that Starlight?" "Yes sir-ree!" responded Pinkie Pie. "Ah guess Red BullTM really does give you wings." "Or M. A. Larson." TV STATIC Author's Note Arrived safe and sound at my new unit. HorseshoesPinkie Pie bounced down the main street of Ponyville. Crack! A flowerpot from above hit the ground just behind her. Crunk! A chair hit the ground a second after Pinkie Pie bounced out of the way. Wham! A piano slammed into the ground, barely missing her. Thunk! An anvil plowed into the road where Pinkie Pie had just been. Rainbow swooped down as Applejack raced to the pink pony. "Pinkie, are y'all all right?" asked the cowpony. "Pinkie, you almost got hit by the stuff falling from that aerial moving van," cried the Pegasus. Pinkie looked behind her. "Wow, that was close. Thankfully I have a lucky horseshoe." "You have a lucky horseshoe?" confirmed Applejack. "Eyup. In fact," she said, sitting down on her haunches and raising her hooves, "I have four." TV STATIC Horseshoes II"Well, it's a good thing y'all had them lucky horseshoes," said Applejack. Wham! A sofa crushed Pinkie Pie. "Too bad she wasn't wearing five," noted Rainbow Dash dryly. TV STATIC Apollo 11Neil Armstrong reached the bottom of the lander. He took a deep breath and stepped off onto the moon. "That's one small step for man, one giant - why is there a pony here?" A dark alicorn in black armor and slotted green eyes made her way towards the astronaut. Meanwhile, in mission control, technicians were scrambling. "Cut the feed!" NASA Administrator turned to his deputy, "Great, now the whole world knows we're not alone. I knew we should have faked the moon landings!" TV STATIC Buyer BewareThe devastation at Mount Aris was complete. No one had been left alive. All the buildings had been destroyed. The fields and orchards had burned. What had happened? The ponies were startled when a creature appeared before them. "Hello," he said. "You look like you are in need of defense like the hippogriffs. Would you like to buy the most advanced weapons system ever devised: the Echo Papa 607?" TV STATIC TrialHarry Potter ducked behind a boulder, holding his breath. He knew that the first challenge of the Triwizard Tournament was supposed to be near impossible, deadly even. Slowly he moved around the boulder and came face to face with the beasts. They stood there, the three of them - an orange pegasus, a white unicorn, and a yellow earth pony with a bow. They stared back, with puppy-dog eyes and quivering lower lips. Harry steeled himself and drew his wand.... TV STATIC Author's Note If you don't like this, blame Dell. I had a much longer draft but the computer crashed and it was lost. Dreadnought New Cars IIRainbow Dash visibly sweated. A figure knocked on her window, and she rolled it down. "Is - is there a problem officer?" "Do you know what the speed limit is in Canterlot?" asked the police unicorn. "Um - no." "Ten miles per hour." "Oh." "Do you know how fast you were going?" "Er -" "Sixty," he supplied. "Uh." "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." "Okay." She reached for the glove compartment before turning to the officer. "Wait - are there driver's licenses for here in Equestria?" TV STATIC Author's Note 50 likes! Hmm.... I wonder if they clicked the thumbs up by mistake. :-) New Cars IIIBang! The judge set his gavel aside. "And so, for driving without a license, I'm sentencing you to jail for one week." "Wait! You can't!" cried Rainbow Dash. "There's no law requiring driver's licenses for Equestria." Applejack facehoofed. Twilight whispered, "Dash, don't antagonize the judge." "Fine," declared the judge. "For endangering public safety, I'm sentencing you to six months in jail." TV STATIC Author's Note Episode 200 rocks! And before Maud Pie showed up! EasterTwilight stepped forth from her group of friends. "We here at My Little Pony would like to wish all of you a very happy Easter." She paused, and flicked her ears. "Oh, who could that be?" She waited patiently. Finally, she turned around and whispered, "What's going on?" Rarity said, "Fluttershy's having a little problem with our star." "I'll handle this!" declared Rainbow Dash, swooping down next to Fluttershy. "No Dash-" Fluttershy protested. But it was too late. Rainbow dashed over in front of Twilight and deposited a little bundle. Twilight cleared her throat. "Oh look, the Easter Bunny is here!" Angel, bedecked in bows and frilly clothes, had a large basket slung around his neck. He crossed his forelimbs and gave Twilight the death glare. TV STATIC Author's Note Should I mention that a few years ago I was in survival school on Easter Sunday? For dinner that night, we ate rabbit.... We all looked at each other and said we were going to hell for eating the Easter Bunny! PTA MeetingCheerilee addressed the assembled ponies. "We'll begin our meeting in a few minutes," she declared. Applejack turned to Pinkie Pie. "Ah can understand why Rarity is here, being Sweetie's sister an' all, but why are you here Pinkie?" "I'm here for the free treats." "Beg yer pardin, but there's no refreshments at these meetings." "Silly Applejack," Pinkie giggled. She reached under a desk and pulled forth from a wad of gum, tossing it in her mouth. TV STATIC Author's Note You didn't read this chapter. The Problem With Roomates....Pinkie Pie trotted down the long hall of the hotel. Arriving at her room, she reached for the doorknob but stopped. On the other side of the door, she heard flailing bedsheets and a thumping mattress. Suddenly, Rarity's wailing voiced carried through the door: "Charley Horse! Charley Horse!" Pinkie Pie turned and trotted down the hall. The next morning... "Pinkie Pie?" began Twilight. "Why are you sleeping in the lobby? I thought you were sharing a room with Rarity." Pinkie yawned as she rubbed her eyes. "I was, but Rarity was having wild sex with some stallion named Charley." TV STATIC Author's Note I don't blog often, but I have a new one. Sector 7G"California here we come!" said Homer Simpson. Lisa turned to Bart. "Do you ever wonder who covers dad's job when we go off on another crazy vacation?" Meanwhile, at the Springfield Nuclear Powerplant.... Smithers eyed the monitors displaying the security cameras. "Is that a pony in Sector 7G?" Mr. Burns came over. "Yes, she's our new temporary safety inspector. Works cheap. And she won't screw up like that Homer Simpson." "What's her name?" "Derpy Hooves." TV STATIC At the barA brown earth pony sat at the bar, a mostly empty glass sitting before him, with just a little beer left. After staring off in space for a while, he downed the rest. "Another!" he yelled at the bartender. "Make that two," said a sky-blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane. Two glasses were produced. The stallion took a big draught. Setting down the glass, he watched as the mare chugged her beer. Slamming down the glass, she barked, "Another!" "Rough day?" aske the stallion. "Yeah." "Want to talk about it?" The mare downed half her glass before wiping her mouth with her hoof. "I just lost my job." "Sorry to hear that." "Yeah, I should have known that doing a sonic rainboom in downtown Canterlot was going to be a bad idea. Soooo many shattered windows... and other damages." She took another swig. "Wonderbolts said their insurance would be too high on the team." "That sucks. Now what for you?" "Guess I'll go back home and get my old job back at the weather team." She finished her beer. "Another!" She turned to look at the stallion sitting next to her. "How 'bout you?" "Me?" "Looks like you got bucked in the gut." "Yeah, you could say that." A long silence passed. "Well?" asked the impatient mare as she took a sip from her third beer. "I ran the race of my life. Pushed myself hard against the other racers. And we're not talking fools from the backwaters - we're talking the best in the world. But I came in first. Best few minutes of my life. But then it was snatched away. Judges said I 'impeded' the other competitors - whatever that means. They disqualified me. First time in history the first pony across the finish line didn't win." He downed the rest of his glass. "Yeah, life sucks." She paused in thought for a moment. She reached out a hoof, "I'm Rainbow Dash." He took her hoof, "Maximum Security." TV STATIC Author's Note WARNING!!! SHAMELESS PLUG DETECTED!!! Just wanted to mention I published my 40th, yes 40th, story! Check it out here. To-Do ListTwilight approached the front door of the castle. Turning to the dragon trotting behind her, she asked, "Do you have the to-do list I wrote last night?" Spike pulled forth a scroll. "Right here." "Good. Let's go over the things we must do today." He perused the scroll. "Hmm.... 'Purchase a gift for Applejack's birthday. Pick up scrolls and ink. Drop off book donations at the hospital. Lunch with Pinkie Pie. Get Spike neutered. Write Princess ' - Hey wait! Get Spike neutered!?" Twilight's face lit up a deep red. "I - uh - forgot to omit that from the list I gave you." TV STATIC Author's Note Awesome episode today! The AnnouncementMayor Mare took the slip of paper and looked down at it. She read, "Citizens of Ponyville, this year's applicants were all exceptional, but there can only be one Ponyville Days Pony of Ceremonies. And that pony is - " She looked up and in a monotone voice said, "the Hypnotoad." Clap! Clap! Clap! All the ponies clapped in unison. TV STATIC Royal Succession"You have to do what I say," said the bodyguard. Sombra tsked. "I am a prince. It is I who give the orders." "Not today." "One day I'll be king. I just can't wait. In fact, I want to sing - " Music began to rise. "Stop!" The music screeched to a halt. "That song is copyrighted by Disney!" TV STATIC Author's Note 20,000 words! 20,000 words! Can you believe this story has hit 20,000 words! I never thought it would become so long or have so many chapters... or have as many views and likes as it does. Dreadnought Assassination ClassroomThe children gathered outside the school. As is the case playing across the world, they loitered until it was time for class. Some talked about baseball or the latest sumo match. Others played their video game systems or chatted on the phone. A few others stared up at the moon, forever a crescent. Dong! Dong! Dong! The children all heeded the call of the school bell and quickly found their seats. The teacher stood before them, examining his morning class. After taking attendance, he said, "Today we will learn about explosives. If you will get out your books - " Bam! All heads turned to see a wholly-unexpected figure standing in the doorway. A dark blue unicorn with wings and in full battle armor glared at the teacher. Her eyes were on fire, and she drew forth two broadswords. "Korosensei!" she bellowed. "I have come to kill you!" A twisted smile formed on his face. "I do hope that is the case. None of these children have managed it so far." TV STATIC Author's Note Assination Classroom may be a bit obscure, but Robot Chicken is always filled with such references. Oh well, I've learned a lot about pop culture by watching RC. Dreadnought Feeding TimeApplejack trotted out the back door, carrying Winona's food dish. As she reached the red doghouse, she saw Winona laying on top staring up at the sky. "Good grief," Applejack sighed. TV STATIC Author's Note Yes. Yes, that was a Peanuts reference. An Unexpected DiscoveryTwilight walked through the corridors of her castle. Rounding a corner, she came upon a human with a broom. He used it to sweep the floor. He was most certainly not using it to Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! the floor. "Who are you?" She asked. "Scruffy, the janitor." "I've never seen you before." "I've never seen you before neither." TV STATIC Author's Note Standing in line at Bronycon. Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker Rey stood in the desert, facing off into the distance. The force told her something was out there. Slowly, a form took shape - a TIE fighter. She removed her lightsaber and engaged the blade. The fighter screeched across the desert. Kylo Ren pushed forward on the controls to accelerate. Rey turned and ran as fast a she could. The TIE fighter closed the distance. Rey took a flying leap - The producers would like to apologize for the interruption. We have listened to the fans. At the last minute, we have decided to replace the hated characters with those who are actually fully developed. Please enjoy the following edit. Twilight leaped backwards over the TIE fighter, landing on its fuselage. Tirek heard the thud and looked around, trying to determine where she was. TV STATIC Author's Note Just something that occured to me. I've been so busy lately, but I'm finally able to clear time in my schedule for more writing. Stand by.... Dreadnought ChangesAnon examined his new body. Being the only human, he had always felt out of place in Equestria. But now that Zecora's potion had transformed him into a pony, he could truly fit in. The zebra looked at the new equine. "Now that you're a pony for real, Please tell me how you feel." Anon opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Zecora smiled. "There are side affects of course, The potion has left you a little hoarse." TV STATIC Author's Note Yes, yes I did. Also, be sure to check out my new story: Nightmare Night. Daily updates for October only! Dreadnought Thanks for the MemoriesAn open letter: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. So much has been said. It is far beyond my poor powers to add or detract, but I would like to say a few remarks. To Lauren Faust, though your time with the show was short, we thank you for giving us this wonderful gift. To the staff, from the writers to the voice actors and musicians and animators, we thank you for bringing Lauren's vision to us. To the fans, thanks for being there, from "Friendship is Magic" to "The Finale Problem." From BronyCon to Everfree Northwest to even UniCon. The fans have been integral to the success of the show. Thanks for accepting us - us crazy, pony-loving bronies and pegasisters. The past few years have been the most difficult of my life, and this show has been one few bright spots in my life. Thank you. Dreadnought Author's Note Don't worry. I'll do a comedic post tomorrow. In the meantime, check out Nightmare Night, my newest story! Dreadnought Couch Gag♪ The Simpsons ♫ The car pulled into the driveway, as Bart riding his skateboard bounced off its roof. Homer stepped out of the car, nearly getting run over by Lisa as she road her bike. He turned just in time to get hit by Marge as she pulled into the garage. The Simpsons ran into the living room, but stopped short. The couch was filled with six pastel equines. "Ponies!" cried Lisa. "¡Ay, caramba!" cried Bart. "What's going on?" demanded Homer. "Well, since our show is over," began Rainbow Dash. "We thought we'd come to a show that will never end!" finished Pinkie Pie TV STATIC Author's Note "Treehouse of Horror XXX" is on tonight! The ToH series is the inspiration for my own Nightmare Night. Dreadnought The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IThe Tragedy of RainBow by William Neighspeare ACT I, SCENE I A desert place. Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches Apple Bloom When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain? Sweetie Belle When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won. Scootaloo That will be ere the set of sun. Apple Bloom Where the place? Sweetie Belle Upon the heath. Scootaloo There to meet with RainBow. Apple Bloom I come, Graymalkin! Sweetie Belle Paddock calls. Scootaloo Anon. Enter Anon Anon You call for me? Scootaloo Nay. We need you not now. Exit Anon ALL Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air. Thunder. Enter the three Witches Scootaloo A drum, a drum! Rainbow doth come. ALL The weird sisters, quite the band, Posters of the sea and land, Thus do go about, about: Thrice to thine and thrice to mine And thrice again, to make up nine. Peace! the charm's wound up. Enter two pegasus mares, one blue and one yellow RainBow So foul and fair a day I have not seen. Twenty percent cooler this day should be. Flutter How far is't call'd to Crystal? What are these So wither'd and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught That pone may question? You seem to understand me, By each at once her chappy hoofy laying Upon her skinny lips: you should be fillies, And yet your beards forbid me to interpret That you are so. RainBow What the buck did you just say? Flutter Oh, um, I just remarked that these three don't look like they belong here. RainBow Then just say it. Geesh. I can't understand you when you go all soliloquy on me. Flutter Uh, RainBow, it wasn't a soliloquy, it was iambic pentameter. RainBow Soliloquy, iambic pentameter, rhyme and time. It's all the same thing. I'm not doing it anymore. Flutter We're sorry for going off track. You fillies please continue. Apple Bloom All hail, RainBow! hail to thee, thane of Griffon! Sweetie Belle All hail, RainBow, hail to thee, thane of Canter! Scootaloo All hail, RainBow, thou shalt princess hereafter! Flutter Witches, why do you start; and seem to fear Things that do sound so fair? I' the name of truth, Are ye fantastical -- RainBow Cut it out Flutter. Flutter Could you please tell me what my future is? RainBow Better. Apple Bloom Hail! Sweetie Belle Hail! Scootaloo Hail! Apple Bloom Lesser than RainBow, and greater. Sweetie Belle Not so happy, yet much happier. Scootaloo Thou shalt princess, though thou be none: So all hail, RainBow and Flutter! Apple Bloom Flutter and RainBow, all hail! RainBow You're saying I'll be Thane of Griffon and Princess? Awesome! Witches vanish Flutter Uh, RainBow, we already have a Princess. RainBow Oh, yeah. Don't tell Twilight. The Royal Castle of Canterlot RainBow To kill Twilight or not to kill Twilight, that is the question. Enter Lady Rarity Lord Rarity Are you going to kill Twilight or not? RainBow I don't know. Lord Rarity But I want to be a prince! Wait! I'd be a prince? RainBow Well, yeah. I'm a mare, and you're my spouse, Lord Rarity. Lord Rarity I'm a stallion! Me thinks I need my fainting couch. RainBow But what about my problem? Lord Rarity Oh darling, just do the deed. It would be - how do you say it? - "real cool." RainBow Okay. Author's Note I don't think Shakespeare would mind a take on his classic MacBeth. Besides, he wasn't known for historical accuracy - MacBeth actually ruled for a long time in Scotland and wasn't the villain he is portrayed as in the play. Also, Romeo & Juliet was based off someone else's work, so he also did is own version of other people's stories. A few notes on this and following chapters. I had considered writing the entire thing in iambic pentameter, but I quickly discovered that I suck at it. Plus, it sounds really outdated - Rainbow didn't want to memorize all those confusing lines. Also, I chose not to write it out but leave it in play format - if I had to suffer through Romeo & Juliet, MacBeth, and Julius Caesar, then you should have to suffer through it as well! Finally, I wrote this as part of my "Nightmare Night" story, only to realize that I had way more chapters than I could publish. So, enjoy as part of "Robot Pony"! Dreadnought The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIACT II Enter RainBow, Lyra, BonBon Lyra Let's see if Twilight is up. Exit RainBow, Lyra, BonBon … … … Enter RainBow, Lyra, and BonBon Lyra Murder! Murder! BonBon Bloody Murder! RainBow Bloody Murder! Enter Lord Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie Lord Rarity Murder? The princess? Applejack Mother! Pinkie Pie No! She didn't get to try my cake! Death by chocolate! Oh the irony! Enter two royal guards Guard 1 Murder? Guard 2 The Princess? RainBow You did this! Guard 1 Sure, just blame the ponies who were sworn to protect the princess. Rainbow I'll kill you! Rainbow wields a sword and chases the guards. Exit guards and RainBow Lord Rarity Rainbow! Exit Lord Rarity, Lyra, BonBon Applejack Quick Pinkie. Let's get out of here. Pinkie Pie Why? Applejack Somepony killed our mother. They'll probably come afta' us. Pinkie Pie And you want to leave this castle!? High walls. Armed guards. Hello! Are you nuts? Applejack Ah don't trust this RainBow. This whole thang seems a mite suspicious. Ah'll visit Braeburn in Whales. Pinkie Pie Whales! Ha ha! Great pun! I'm going to the rock farm. Exit Applejack, Pinkie Pie The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIIACT III Enter RainBow, Lord Rarity, Lyra, BonBon Lyra Hail Princess RainBow! BonBon Hail Prince Rarity! RainBow I need a minute alone. Exit all but RainBow RainBow Oh, I should be so happy but I'm not. I killed Twilight. So I'm now the Princess. But Flutter is supposed to found a line of princesses. The only way to solve this is to kill Flutter. Enter Flim and Flam Flim Hail RainBow! Flam Hail Princess! RainBow I've got a job for you two. Kill Flutter and her daughter. Flim We'll do it. Flam For the right price. RainBow Do this and you'll be showered in diamonds. Flim As you wish. Exit Flim and Flam. The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IVACT IV, SCENE I Thunder. Enter the three Witches Apple Bloom Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd. Sweetie Belle Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. Scootaloo Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time. Apple Bloom Round about the cauldron go; In the poison'd entrails throw. Toad, that under cold stone Days and nights has thirty-one Swelter'd venom sleeping got, Boil thou first i' the charmed pot. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Sweetie Belle Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake; Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Scootaloo Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witches' mummy, maw and gulf Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark, Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark, Liver of blaspheming Jew, Gall of goat, and slips of yew Silver'd in the moon's eclipse, Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips, Finger of birth-strangled babe Ditch-deliver'd by a drab, Make the gruel thick and slab: Add thereto a tiger's chaudron, For the ingredients of our cauldron. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Sweetie Belle Cool it with a baboon's blood, Then the charm is firm and good. Enter Babs to the other three Witches Babs O well done! I commend your pains; And every one shall share i' the gains; And now about the cauldron sing, Live elves and fairies in a ring, Enchanting all that you put in. Music and a song: 'Black spirits,' & c Babs retires Sweetie Belle By the picking of my crumbs, Something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, Whoever knocks! Enter RainBow RainBow What'cha all up to? ALL A deed without a name. RainBow I came to ask you a question. Apple Bloom Speak. Sweetie Belle Demand. Scootaloo We'll answer. Apple Bloom Say, if thou'dst rather hear it from our mouths, Or from our masters? RainBow Your masters? Who are they? Apple Bloom Pour in sow's blood, that hath eaten Her nine farrow; grease that's sweaten From the murderer's gibbet throw Into the flame. ALL Come, high or low; Thyself and office deftly show! Thunder. First Apparition: Luna RainBow Tell me Apple Bloom He knows thy thought: Hear his speech, but say thou nought. Luna RainBow! RainBow! RainBow! beware Lyra; Beware the thane of Fife. Dismiss me. Enough. Descends RainBow Okay. Kill Lyra next. Got it. Tell me more. Apple Bloom She will not be commanded: here's another, More potent than the first. Thunder. Second Apparition: Rumble Rumble RainBow! RainBow! RainBow! RainBow Yo. Rumble Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn The power of pone, for none of woman born Shall harm RainBow. Descends RainBow Okay, that's cool. Thunder. Third Apparition: Pipsqueak holding a tree ALL Listen, but speak not to't. Pipsqueak Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are: RainBow shall never vanquish'd be until Great Everfree to high Canterlot hill Shall come against her. Descends RainBow Uh. The only one who could move a forest is Twilight. And she's dead now. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Will Futter's line rule Equestria? ALL Seek to know no more. RainBow Oh come on! You showed me all the other things! Apple Bloom Show! Sweetie Belle Show! Scootaloo Show! ALL Show her eyes, and grieve her heart; Come like shadows, so depart! A show of royals, the last with a glass in his hoof; GHOST OF Flutter following RainBow Really! I killed Flutter and there're assassins out for her daughter. Apple Bloom Ay, miss, all this is so: but why Stands RainBow thus amazedly? Come, sisters, cheer we up her sprites, And show the best of our delights: I'll charm the air to give a sound, While you perform your antic round: That this princess may kindly say, Our duties did his welcome pay. Music. The witches dance and then vanish, with Babs RainBow Come back! Darn. Looks like I've got more killing to do. Author's Note Posting this from Ponyville Ciderfest's Closing Ceremonies. The Tragedy of RainBow - Act VACT V The Royal Castle of Canterlot RainBow Who disturbs me? Enter Spitfire Spitfire Me, my lord. I bring news. RainBow Yeah? Spitfire Ten thousand RainBow Geese? Spitfire Soldiers. The army of Applejack gather to the south. They intend to march on Canterlot. RainBow So? Spitfire Shouldn't we be worried? RainBow Nah. It's just a bunch of earth ponies. We've got unicorns and pegasi. No problem. The Castle of the Two Sisters Enter Applejack Applejack We've got an army. Don't you worry mother. We'll avenge you! The Royal Castle of Canterlot Enter Spitfire Spitfire My lord! My lord! RainBow Oh now what!? Spitfire I bring bad news. RainBow Geesh! Can't I get five minutes to myself. Maybe I did Twilight a favor by killing her. Spitfire What was that? RainBow Nothing. Go on. Spitfire Prince Rarity is dead! RainBow Dead! The guilt must have pushed her to suicide. Spitfire No. RainBow No? Spitfire No. She was being dressed for the victory party RainBow The victory party? Spitfire Yes. RainBow The victory party that's not for another eight hours? Spitfire Yes. She said she needed that time to get ready. RainBow Of course Rarity would say that. What happened? Spitfire She was being dressed for the victory party. She wanted to look her best, so she ordered her corset pulled tight. Turns out, she couldn't breathe. RainBow To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow! Spitfire The sun will come out? The Castle of the Two Sisters Enter MacIntosh, Braeburn Applejack We march on Canterlot today! MacIntosh Eeyup Braeburn But we will be seen and lose the element of surprise. MacIntosh Eeyup Applejack We'll cut down branches from these here trees of the Everfree. MacIntosh Eeyup Applejack If'n we're real lucky, they'll mistake us for the forest. MacIntosh Eeyup Braeburn The forest? Only an idiot would think that the Everfree was marching on Canterlot. MacIntosh Eeyup The Royal Castle of Canterlot Enter Derpy Derpy RainBow! RainBow! RainBow Yes, Derpy? Derpy The Everfree Forest is marching on us! RainBow What!? Let me see! Derpy See, the forest is marching on us. RainBow Derpy! That's just the army of Applejack. Pretty lame camouflage is you ask me. Only an idiot would think it the Everfree. Outside the Royal Castle of Canterlot Applejack Come on, y'all. Let's take Canterlot! Many soldiers flee, leaving RainBow with a hooful of loyal subjects RainBow Come back you cowards! Enter Applejack, MacIntosh, Braeburn, Quibble, Troubleshoes Applejack Come down here you varmit and fight like a mare! RainBow Ha! You're going down. None of woman born can kill me! Quibble Technically, her mother was an pony. Applejack impales Rainbow with her sword Applejack The deed is done! The battle won! Pinkie Pie Yeah, let's party! Applejack Pinkie, where'd you come from? Was anypony else surprised by her sudden appearance? MacIntosh Eeyup. Applejack MacIntosh. Is that all yer goin' tah say? MacIntosh Eeyup. Author's Note Currently flying at 30,000 feet... returning home from Ponyville Ciderfest. It was a blast! I should also point out that I thought the way Shakespeare had the "forest" march on the castle was lame. Tolkien did too. He wanted to do it right, so he wrote the last march of the Ents in The Lord of the Rings. Dreadnought Game ShowFluttershy looked about, standing in the middle of a living room of strange creatures - she was pretty sure they were humans. "H-How di-did I-I get here?" she asked. "Holy crap Rick! Is that a talking pony!?" Burp! "No Morty you idiot! That's a Pegasus." The game show announcer said, "How did she get there?" Rick laughed, "Hey Morty - look! We're on that interdimensional game show!" TV STATIC Author's Note See The Cat Next DoorSnoopy paced anxiously back and forth on the top of his doghouse. He seemed to overlook the fact that he could only take two paces before having to turn around. He was too lost in thought to notice or care. Today! Today I'm going to confront the cat next door. I'm not scared of her. I'm going to show her who's boss! I'm not going to take her abuse any longer! I'll show her! He leaned over the picket fence. Hey cat! I want to talk to you! A moment later, he stood back, a myriad of cuts and scratches and claw marks disfiguring his face. Note to self. Don't mess with Opal after Rarity has given her a bath. TV STATIC Author's Note Snoopy is scared of the cat next door! Also: Scrolling through to add a new installment, I had a realization: This story has a lot of chapters! Dreadnought The Big GameThe seven girls gathered in the finished basement around the television. "Ah hope Ohio State wins," said Applejack. "Any team with 'buck' in their names has my vote." "Well I want Michigan to win," countered Rainbow Dash. "Wolverines are so cool and it is the name of my favorite comic book character." "Ohio State." "Michigan." "Ohio State." "Michigan." "Well I hope there's a super good halftime show," said Pinkie, waving a little flag and wearing a sweater that both literally read "Halftime". "Ohio State." "Michigan." Adjusting her glasses, Twilight said, "Well, I hope there's some interesting statistics. It was so statistically improbable that the Falcons would recover two consecutive onside kicks against the Saints." "Ohio State!" "Michigan!" "Ohio State!" "Michigan!" Looking at her arguing friends, Fluttershy said, "Well, I hope it's a tie." Rainbow Dash and Applejack both looked at her as if she had uttered blasphemy. "I'm surprised you want to watch the game," said Sunset Shimmer to Rarity. "Please, I wouldn't miss it for anything." "Yeah, I can understand you'd be interested in the uniforms the players wear." "It's not just that, darling." "Oh?" "Large, muscular young men wearing tight-fitting uniforms while having to bend over for every down. They're delightful eye candy." Turning to the television, Sunset could only agree. TV STATIC Author's Note It's the greatest rivalry in college football and it's on right now! Go watch! (After you've read a bunch of my stories, of course!) Dreadnought Friday the 13th"Wow!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "Camp Everfree looks super awesome!" "It looks better than ever," noted Sunset Shimmer. "Yeah," agreed Applejack, "y'all doin' pretty well." "Well, thanks to you girls, we were able to make ends meet until things picked up," said Timber Spruce. His face filled with gloom. "Though, it wasn't how I wanted it to go...." "What do you mean?" pressed Fluttershy. "Campers have been coming here ever since the camp down the road closed down." "What happened?" asked Rarity. "Well, they were being terrorized by a mysterious machete-wielding mass murderer in a hockey mask." All the girls gasped as Gloriosa Daisy whistled innocently. TV STATIC Author's Note If you liked this chapter, you would enjoy my story Nightmare Night! Dreadnought What I Want"So Pinkie, what would you like for Heart's Warming?" asked Applejack. ♫"I want a hippopotamus for Hearth's Warming-"♫ Applejack interrupted, "Pinkie! That song is copyrighted! You're going to get us in trouble." Pinkie lightly booped Applejack's nose, "That's why I changed the lyrics, silly." TV STATIC Author's Note Merry Christmas! Happy Hearth's Warming! Dreadnought Present!Fluttershy opened her front door. She was startled by what she saw before her. Sitting on her front stoop was a partridge in a pear tree. The bird cooed upon seeing her. "Aren't you just the most precious thing." It chirped happily. "Oh, what do we have hear?" She reached for a card nestled in one of the branches. She read the missive: Dear Fluttershy, Happy Hearth's Warming. I hope you enjoy this gift, for the first of the Twelve Days of Hearth's Warming. Discord Fluttershy looked up and thought out loud, "'Twelve Days of Hearth's Warming'? I wonder what he means." TV STATIC Author's Note Merry Christmas and happy Hearth's Warming! Dreadnought New Year 2020Everypony eagerly watched the clock. As one they began counting down: 10 .... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 .... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 Pinkie released a big banner that read, " Happy New Year!" "Uh, Pinkie?" "Yes, Applejack." "Y'all realize that this year we're unemployed?" "Silly, Applejack, of course I do." She pulled a string and a new banner came down that read, "Will do pony shenanigans for food." TV STATIC Author's Note Meant to publish this yesterday. Also, I just broke 25,000 words on this anthology. Who would have guessed when I started it over two years ago? Dreadnought Twelve Days of Hearth's WarmingFluttershy stood in her front yard, utterly bewildered. In front of her were her latest presents. She was at a loss of what to do and completely overwhelmed. After all, what do you do with 12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping, 30 lords a-leaping, 36 ladies dancing, 40 maids a-milking, 42 swans a-swimming, 42 geese a-laying, 40 golden rings, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 turtle doves and 12 partridges in 12 pear trees? Her animal sanctuary was overflowing, and now she had 140 ponies that were her servants. Or maybe they were her slaves? She'd have to pawn off the 40 golden rings to give her enough bits to keep things going for a day or two. But perhaps the fresh milk and eggs and pears would also help? And maybe she could rent out the drummers, pipers, lords and dancers for entertainment events, like festivals or birthday parties or cute-ceañeras? All these presents meant Discord really cared for her. Still, she was going to have a long conversation with him.... TV STATIC Author's Note I've often wondered exactly what you do with all those gifts. Dreadnought Holiday DishKnock! Knock! "Hello, Applejack." "Discord! How y'all doin'?" "I'm doing fine, thank you. The holidays are always a busy time for me," he chuckled. "Yeah, I heard about what you did to Fluttershy." "Well, I was just trying to show her how much I value her friendship." "She's going nuts trying tah figure out what to do with all them gifts yah gave her." " Well, I want to give her something to say how sorry I am for all the chaos I've caused her. And you can help." "Oh?" "I want to give her a traditional holiday dish. From what I understand, the Apples are the go-to ponies for anything traditional." Applejack laughed, "'Course we are! We've been harvesting the same land for four generations, our cider recipe hasn't changed in fifty years, an' Mac an' me took first place fer most traditional cart." "So you can make traditional holiday dishes?" "Of course! What'd yah have in mind?" Discord smiled and motioned for her to look around the corner of her farmhouse. Her jaw dropped immediately. He asked, "Can you make quarry eel pie?" TV STATIC Author's Note I hate writing on my phone. But then again, if I had waited until after I pulled out my laptop, I might have forgotten what I was going to write. Dreadnought Diplomatic IncidentGlab, President of the Democratic Order Of Planets (DOOP), escorted her peer around the legislative hall. She turned and remarked, "Princess Celestia, in just a few minutes we will begin the ceremony to officially induct your planet into the DOOP." Princess Celestia smiled, "I am in no hurry Madame President. In fact, I find that I am quite enjoying myself. There are so many species here that I have never seen before." Gazing at the masses, she asked quite surprised, "Are those creatures made of yarn?" "Yes, they come from Nylar IV." "How very interesting." A brash and imposing figure strode up to the couple. President Glab said, "Princess Celestia, let me introduce Twenty-Five Star General Zapp Brannigan." Zapp Brannigan reached out and kissed the offered hoof of Princess Celestia. "It is an honor to meet you," he said. "And might I add, you are looking quite horny for someone of your age." Five minutes later.... Zapp Brannigan laid bloody and broken upon the floor. Princess Celestia turned to President Glab, "Equestria formally declares war on the DOOP." The staff of Planet Express lounged around the room watching TV. Morbo appeared on the screen. "...We have breaking news from DOOP headquarters, where a major diplomatic incident has occurred. Princess Celestia, leader of Equestria, has beaten up Zapp Brannigan, who had this to say...." On the television Zapp Brannigan, with a black eye and right arm in a sling, stood behind a podium. "It must have been a misunderstanding on her part. I meant what I said in the sexiest way possible." The screen returned to Morbo. "Equestria has declared war on the DOOP. But it remains to be seen how a nation with no standing army and only a corps of incompetent royal guards could hope to defeat the galactic might of DOOP...." Two Days Later.... Inside the devastated DOOP headquarters, dignitaries from across the galaxy gathered for the historic moment. President Glab signed the paperwork and said, "DOOP has officially surrendered and will submit to becoming conquered territories of Equestria." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, Zapp Brannigan.... Pi Day"Happy Pie Day!" cried Pinkie Pie. In her hands, on her shoulders, and balanced on her head were a multitude of pies...blueberry pie, cherry pie, apple pie, peach pie, pineapple pie, lemon meringue pie, pear pie, strawberry pie, strawberry cinnamon cilantro pie, Key lime pie, rhubarb pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, coconut cream pie, pecan pie, chocolate cream pie, shoofly pie, and Boston cream pie (even though Pinkie would be the first to tell you that Boston cream pie is technically a cake, but how could she leap over technicalities?). Everyone present was amazed at how Pinkie could balance so may pies, even if it was Pinkie Pie we were talking about. "Pinkie, you've really outdone yourself," commented Rarity, as she graciously accepted a slice of Key lime pie. "Yeah, y'all didn't have to do all this," said Applejack as she took a bite of the apple pie. She momentarily smiled at the taste then frowned as she realized that it was way better than any apple pies her family had ever made. "How could I not?" she asked, trying to force a slice of blueberry pie into Rainbow Dash's hands. "After all, they created an entire day for me!?" When Rainbow opened her mouth to protest, Pinkie shoved a forkful of pie into Dash's mouth anyway. "Actually, it's Pi Day," corrected Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. Handing Twilight a slice of rhubarb pie, Pinkie returned, "That's what I said, Pie Day." "No, Pi Day. 'P' - 'I'. As in the irrational number." Finished wiping her tongue from the offending pie, Rainbow Dash said, "Math may be hard, but I don't know if I'd call it 'irrational.'" "No, Rainbow, irrational as in a real number that is not an integer or doesn't repeat. For instance, pi is 3.1415926...." Five minutes later... "...1262410548725..." Applejack turned to Rainbow, "Y'all just 'ad ta get her started, didn't ya? Now you've gone and broke her." TV STATIC Author's Note A special Saturday edition of Robot Pony. If you enjoyed this chapter, you might like my story, The Secret Life of... Pinkie Pie. I got numbers for the first 100,000 digits of pi here. I'd also like to point out, the reference to Applejack enjoying Pinkie's pie more than her family's is indeed a reference to my story The Labors of Applejack. And finally, Boston cream pie is actually a cake. You can read about it here. My mother insisted I learn some things about the culinary field. The only problem is I said something to my boss about Boston cream pie being a cake, and he didn't take too kindly to finding out he was wrong. Oh well, these things happen. Dreadnought The Last Great RaceEverybody rushed to downtown. Men, women, children. Young and old. Locals and tourists alike. Hurriedly they threw on coats, donned hats, and pulled on gloves. The fortunate remembered to grab their flashlights before leaving home. Everyone had been waiting for this moment. Every since last year, everybody in town, across the state, and even the world, had been waiting. Downtown Nome lit up on a cold winter night. News crews trained their cameras onto the blackness as people peered into the darkness. Everyone was abuzz with anticipation. Hushed whispers flew back and forth - predictions, rumors, and speculation. Who would it be? Who would win? Good morning to viewers from across Alaska. Welcome to our special live coverage of the finish of Iditarod 2020! We are moments away from seeing the leader cross the finish line. Reports from the last checkpoint indicate that Thomas Waerner departed first with a significant lead. Waerner is a native of Norway. Number 40, he began participating in the Iditarod in 2015, where he finished 17th overall and was named the rookie of the race. Last year he didn't compete, but this year he is poised to win his first Iditarod! The crowd grew restless. It appears that he has arrived! As you can see, he's coming down the street. Wait! What is that? It appears that another team is right behind him! This is unbelievable! The two teams raced through downtown. The trailing team slowly gained ground. The leader pushed his team harder, and began to pull away. The challenger spurred their team faster, closing the gap. Neck and neck they raced. The finish line lay just ahead. The crowd roared. Never had there been such a close finish in all of the Iditarod! This would be one for the record books! They crossed! The challenger won by a nose! Number 59 won! News crews rushed to interview the winner. The reporter pushed a microphone forward to the musher, "Congratulations on winning the Iditarod! Can you say a few words?" The musher paused, clearly worn from the thousand mile race and nine days on the trail. The musher reached up and pulled off their hat to reveal a rich pink mane. Pulling off the facemask showed a yellow face and large cyan eyes. "Oh, I'm so happy to be here," Fluttershy beamed. "It's ever so cold out and I'm very tired of being on the trail." "What was the secret to your success?" "Well, animals are my special talent. I told Mr. Paws - he's my lead dog - that we were way behind and needed to catch up. The whole team wanted to win, so they pushed themselves hard." "And weighing as much as a child, compared to that of a full-sized man, also helped." "I suppose you're right." TV STATIC Author's Note Here's an photo I took from the start of the race: Dreadnought What's in a Name?Rarity and Twilight trotted ahead, in a deep conversation about their plans for the upcoming week. Spike trailed behind, clutching the precious phoenix egg he had rescue from the dragons who wanted to smash it - until he stood up to them, with three of his best and most powerful friends' as backing him up, of course. Rainbow swooped down, hovering just next to him. "So, when the egg hatches, what are you gonna name it?" Spike looked down at the egg cradled in his claws. "Well, if it's a boy, I was going to name him Fawkes. If it was a girl, I was going to name her Jean Grey." "Fawkes? Jean Grey? You've got to be kidding me!" Spike reconsidered, "Arizona?" Rainbow Dash snorted, "Seriously? You're gonna name your phoenix Arizona? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard." Spike thought for a minute. "Pee Wee?" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Sure, whatever. It is your phoenix." TV STATIC Author's Note Why not? Easter 2020April 11th: Fluttershy stood at her front door, exchanging hushed whispers with Rarity. "So, everything is ready?" asked the pegasus. "Oh yes, I've got his outfit ready. And Twilight has the stage at Town Hall all set up. And, of course, Pinkie Pie and Applejack will be providing a spread for lunch." "Oh, it all sounds lovely," said Fluttershy. "Yes, tomorrow will -" The door creaked open and a little white bunny rabbit hopped into the room. Talking at a normal volume, Rarity stated, "Well, daring, I assure you that your spring dress will be fabulous. I'm glad you approve of my design. I must be off, there is ever so much I must get done. Goodbye Fluttershy." Glancing down at the rabbit, she said, "Goodbye to you, too, Angel." The bunny eyed the unicorn suspiciously as she departed. ~~~ April 12th: Fluttershy was preparing breakfast in the kitchen as a bunny hopped in. Looking up, she greeted, "Happy Easter, Angel." Angel sat on his haunches and stared at Fluttershy. "What do you mean, 'What's going on?'" Angel crossed his forelegs. Fluttershy smiled uneasily. "I'm not hiding anything." Angel furrowed his brow and glared at Fluttershy. Fluttershy sighed. "All right. There's an Easter pageant today at Town Hall. We thought you should be the Easter Bunny. The others will be here in an hour." Angel huffed and hopped out of the room. An hour later Fluttershy was busying herself in the sitting room when Angel hopped in. "Hello Angel." He sat upright. "Oh, you want to participate in the Easter pageant?" The bunny nodded. "Oh, excellent." She looked again at the rabbit. "Oh, I do suppose we have time for a cup of tea." The bunny hopped into the kitchen and a minute later came out with two teacups. He passed a cup to Fluttershy as she took a seat on her couch, while he took the easy chair. She smiled, "Cheers." They both took a long sip from their cups. A moment later there was a swirl of bright white light. When it dissipated, Angel sat on the couch and Fluttershy sat on the easy chair. "Angel" waved his forelegs wildly. "Fluttershy" smiled evilly. "Oh, yes, I swapped Zecora's potion for tea. It did take quite a bit of food coloring to look believable." Knock! Knock! The pegasus trotted to the front door and greeted the assembled group of ponies. "Oh yes, Angel is all ready and is super excited for his big part in this year's pageant." The bunny's eyes went wide with horror. ~~~ In front of everypony, the group gathered together for their final curtain call. Twilight said, "We all want to wish you a very happy Easter!" In front of the group sat a very annoyed bunny rabbit in a frilly set of clothes and holding a large basket of colorful eggs. Behind the group stood a yellow pegasus with a wicked grin. TV STATIC Author's Note Well, just got done with Easter service (we wore masks and sat 6 feet apart), and I wanted to wish you all a very happy Easter. Stay healthy, stay safe. Dreadnought Downton AbbeyAs Barrow distributed the tea, Lady Edith Crawley entered and addressed the assembled family members. "I just received a telephone call. We will be having an additional guest for dinner tonight. He will arrive later this afternoon." Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham, smiled, "And who is this mysterious guest that we will be hosting?" Edith shrugged, "It's a Mister Armor." "Mr. Armor? I'm afraid I don't recognize the name." "He's just someone I met when I was in London." Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham (AKA Professor McGonagall), asked, "Is he from a respectable family?" Mary set her cup down. "With how Edith's been ignored by all the respectable men, she probably found him in prison," she sniped. "He's not from prison," declared Edith. Mary rolled her eyes. "I suppose you have more sense than that. He probably works some lowly job in a factory or a stable." The family gathered around the dining room table. "I don't know where he could be," assured Edith. "I always suspected that this man you were bringing was a figment of your imagination," sneered Mary. Meanwhile, at the front door.... Knock! Knock! As much of the staff was attending to dinner, Mr. Bates answered the front door. He opened it to reveal - nothing. Nobody was at the front door! He looked about briefly before glancing down to see a most unexpected sight. Before him stood a small white horse with a blue mane and tale. Its dinner attire would be the most remarkable trait if not for the horn affixed to its head. "Is this somebody's idea of a joke?" he muttered to himself. "My apologies," said the creature, "but I had a hard time finding Downton Abbey." "You can talk!" He almost fell over, saved only by his cane providing support. Startled, the creature replied, "Of course I can talk." It cocked its head. "Where is Lady Edith?" Stunned for a moment, Mr. Bates asked, "Are you Mister Armor by chance?" The creature smiled back. "Why yes, yes I am. Though most refer to me as Captain Armor." "Captain Armor? A military man!" "A military pony actually. You served?" "I was Lord Grantham's batman in the Boer War," said Mr. Bates, standing straight. "I see. Well, you'll have to tell me of your experiences in the war. But you must excuse me, I am running late for dinner." "Of course, right this way." Mr. Bates entered the dining room. "Is something a matter Bates?" asked Robert Crawley, 7th Earl of Grantham. "Mr. Armor has arrived, Sir." "Well show him in." "Actually, sir, he's standing right beside me." The others seated around the table gasped. Lord Grantham stood to peer over the table, then fell back into his seat stunned. Edith got up to hug the pony. "I'm so glad you made it," she said. "I'm sorry, but I had trouble teleporting here. But now that I've been here before, I shouldn't have any trouble in the future," he explained. She stood upright. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Mr. Shining Armor." Quickly all were introduced and Shining took his seat. Barrow poured a glass of wine for the newly arrived guest. "So, Mr. Armor, where are you from?" asked Lord Grantham. "I am from Canterlot in Equestria." Violetg Crawley said, "From your accent, I had thought you might be from the States. It is fortunate you are not an American." Shining chuckled, "No, most certainly I am not." "What do you do in Equestria?" asked Lord Grantham. "I'm the Captain of the Royal Guards. I was sent to England as an exchange with your palace guards...." After dinner, in the servant's hall: Mr. Carson turned to the assembled servants. "Is it true what they're saying about Mr. Armor?" asked Daisy. Carson sighed, "I see the news had already spread." "So he's really a horse?" asked Mrs. Hughes. "He's a guest of the family," stated Mr. Carson in a stern tone. "We are to treat him with all the respect that entails. He'll be spending the night before returning to London tomorrow." "Should we get him some hay to sleep on?" sniped Barrow. In the drawing room, after dinner: Mary held a conversation with Dowager Countess of Grantham. "Well, it seems I was right about the stable." Violet rolled her eyes. "He may only be in black tie and dinner jacket, but he still managed at least one tail." Lord Grantham's bedroom: Climbing into bed, Lord Grantham said to his wife, "First an Irish Catholic, and now an Equestrian pony." "Edith is smitten with him, Robert." "I'm not sure what she sees in him." "Take some time, get to know him. You may have something in common." "Perhaps you are right." He leaned over to kiss her, but paused as a thought hit him. "Do you suppose he likes riding?" "Don't asked Edith's love interest if you can ride him." "That's not what I meant. Does a pony enjoy riding a horse? Can a pony ride a horse?" TV STATIC Author's Note I had ignored the show during its original run. Family members strongly encouraged me to watch the show. And I must say, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Dreadnought A Little FriendThe six exchanged worried looks. Rainbow Dash reached up and banged on the door. "Tony, we want to talk to you." Tony Montana, fueled by cocaine, yelled back. "You want to talk? Say hello to my little friend." Fluttershy said, "Aw, he's already found a friend." Bwa! The door blew apart, sending the ponies slamming against the opposite wall. As she slid down the wall and hit the floor, Applejack exclaimed, "That's some friend!" TV STATIC Author's Note Friendship is magic! Department of DefenseThe Joint Chiefs of Staff gathered around the conference room table. All eight of them. Yes, eight. The Chairman, General Mark A. Milley, and the Vice Chairman, General John E. Hyten, were there. The Chief of Staff of the Army, General James C. McConville, was there. So to was Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Michael M. Gilday. Next to him was Commandant of the Marine Corps, General David H. Berger. Across from him sat Chief of Staff of the Air Force, General David L. Goldfien. On his right sat Chief of the National Guard Bureau, General Joseph L. Lengyel. And finally was Chief of Space Operations, General John W. Raymond. Centuries of service, decades of leadership, and harrowing experiences of war were represented by these eight. They all stood as a man in a business suit entered and stood behind an empty seat. A little plaque on the table read: Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper All nine took their seats. SecDef turned to the new general. "I'd like to welcome General Raymond to the Joint Chief of Staff." General Raymond rose. "Thank you very much gentlemen. I am excited to stand up US Space Force as the newest branch of the armed forces. We have a lot -" "Actually," interrupted SecDef, "that's what we're here to talk about. Johnson, come in." A short little man came in, and in a moment a Powerpoint presentation was on the screen. "What you are about to see if of the highest classification." He began, "We've been collecting intelligence on a world we discovered on the other side of a portal. It is an alien world. Though the inhabitants seem peaceful -" An image appeared: "We have identified several threats. These include dragons: "Changelings: "Yaks: "Strange beasts: "Alicorns: "Tyrants: "A reality-altering monster: "And most threatening of all, her:" The room sat in stunned silence. Finally, after they all had time to let it sink in, SecDef said, "In light of these discoveries, the President has decided to established a seventh branch of the armed services -" An aide in the back of the room snickered in a hushed tone, "I'll bet it's call Magic Force." "- and we will be standing up US Magic Force in the coming weeks." TV STATIC Author's Note I was inspired by this: So... ...who wants to join? Movie NightJohn entered the living room carrying a beer and a bowl of popcorn. Jessie was already on the couch, using the remote to pull up the movie. He sat down next to her and passed the popcorn. "What are we watching tonight?" he asked. "Twilight." John smiled. As the credits rolled, Jessie looked over. "So, what did you think?" "It was okay." "You didn't like it?" "It was kind of a let down. It's not what I was hoping it was going to be about," admitted John. "You didn't know it was a love story with a vampire?" asked Jessie. "No." "Well, what did you think it was about?" "Twilight Sparkle." TV STATIC Author's Note Yeah, you've probably figured out that I'm publishing a chapter a week (until I hit a dry spell again). Well, I wanted to celebrate BABSCon Online today (available on YouTube)! I had registered and booked a hotel room for the con in April, but as you all know it was cancelled. But Online is the next best thing. So, go watch (after you read all my stories, of course). Dreadnought Fastest Thing AliveA deafening boom shook the command center. Robotnik slammed his fist down. "What was that!" Snively rushed to the computer terminal and analyzed the situation. "I'm pulling up our security footage now." On the monitor a blue blur rocketed over Robotropolis, shaking buildings, rupturing pipes, and knocking out power for most of the city. Robotnik hissed, "The hedgehog." "Actually Robotnik," snively hit a button on the keyboard. The footage rewound and proceeded in a slow motion zoom. Across the screen there streaked a blue pegasus. "Snively, we have a new enemy. More powerful and annoying than the hedgehog." Meanwhile, back at Knothole: The Freedom Fighters gathered around their newest member and cheered, "Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!" From a distance, a certain blue hedgehog huffed, "Beginner's luck." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, the good ol' days: Sesame StreetBig Bird said, "Cookie Monster, we know today is your birthday, so Bert and his "friend" Ernie made a special present for you." "Yeah," said Bert, "follow us into the kitchen." "Me want cookie!" The four entered the kitchen, only to find an empty platter with a few cookie crumbs. "Me want cookie!" "The cookies are gone!" exclaimed Big Bird. "Me want cookie!" Suddenly, a groan came from behind the counter. There, they found a pink pony laying on the floor, rubbing her expanded belly. "What's going on?" asked Big Bird. She looked up. "Me eat cookies!" She produced one final chocolate chip cookie. "Om nom nom nom!" "Me want cookie!" "Sorry," said Ernie, "we're all out." With a wild maniac look, Cookie Monster grabbed Ernie and stared at him deep in the eyes. "ME. WANT. COOKIE!!!" TV STATIC Author's Note I come up with the strangest ideas sometimes. Bummer on the SpaceX scrub today. Dreadnought The HulkThe Avengers gathered around a coffee table in the penthouse of Stark's New York headquarters. Steve Rodgers (AKA "Captain America") shared a couch with Clint Barton (AKA "Hawkeye") while on the couch across from them sat Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanova (AKA "Black Widow"). Tony Stark (AKA "Iron Man") fiddled with his phone. Thor lounged in an easy chair, with a large mug of beer in his hand and Mjoinir sitting before him. Thor noticed Clint looking at his hammer. "Go on, give it a try," he urged. "Alright," said Clint, reaching out to the hammer. He tugged, but it didn't move. "Come on Steve, I'm sure you can lift it," encouraged Natasha. Steve smiled and chuckled, but didn't move. Turning to the scientist across from him, he said, "So Bruce, when you get angry, you turn into the Hulk." "Yeah," answered Bruce uneasily. "Is that the only thing you turn into?" Bruce hesitated. "Well, my... abilities... tend to be emotion-driven. Obviously, when I get angry, the Hulk comes out." "What about when you're afraid?" "Nothing happens!" said Bruce a little too quickly. Thor and Steve shared a look. "Come on Banner," pressed Thor, "what happens?" "Nothing," he maintained. Bruce felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Iron Man aiming a charged repulsor ray mere inches from his face. Startled, Bruce fell backwards onto the floor. "Eeep!" The Avengers looked down to see a small yellow pony with wings and a pink mane and tail. "You turn into a horse!" chuckled Steve, barely restraining his laughter. Tony, Clint and Thor failed miserably. Brushing his mane out of his face, Bruce glared at them. His cute scowl merely made them laugh more. Bruce found himself scooped up and cuddled by Natasha, which made him both happier and more annoyed at the same time. "Well one thing is for sure," said Steve, "next time earth is attacked by aliens, your horse form is going out first. Likely, they'll stop fighting us and fight themselves over who will cuddle you!" TV STATIC Author's Note I always try to publish something on my birthday, as my gift to you. This is this year's submission. Dreadnought Danny Phantom RebootDanny Fenton sat in class. Up front, Mr. Lancer droned on about something called Fourier transforms, whatever they were. Suddenly, a chill ran down his spine and the hairs on his body. "Mr. Lancer! Mr. Lancer!" The teacher stopped writing a long equation on the blackboard and slowly turned around. "Yes, Mr. Fenton?" "I - uh - need to use the bathroom." "You should have done that during the locker break." "I really need to use the bathroom." "We've only been in class for five minutes," said an increasingly annoyed Mr. Lancer. "Please, sir, I've got to go now!!!" The other students laughed. "Fine, but make it quick!" Danny ran to the door, briefly glancing back at Sam and Tucker. He rushed into the boy's bathroom. Taking a quick look around to ensure nobody else was there, he stood and concentrated. A glowing ring appeared around his torso. It separated, with one going towards his head and the other his feet. As they passed over him, his body transformed. Where once there was skin, there was now snowy white hair. Where once there was hands and feet, now hooves. He unfurled his wings and flew towards the window, opening it with his magic. A moment later he was over Amity Park. Scanning, he suddenly came to a dead halt. He facehoofed. "An Ursa Major! It just had to be an Ursa Major!" TV STATIC Author's Note Waiting for the movers to come and load the truck. So... enjoy! Dreadnought InspirationA man sat beneath a tree in the English countryside. Next to him lay a pad of paper, with all sorts of musical notes and lyrics crossed out. Absently, he strummed his guitar. Suddenly, the sky before him ripped open with a terrible screech. He started to bolt, but stopped when he saw something in the rip. A figure slowly formed into a green unicorn. It looked as shocked as he did. "Lyra!" came a voice. "Did you succeed?" "Yes," said the green unicorn. "I've successfully opened the portal. But I don't know how long it will last." A white unicorn with three diamonds on her flank appeared next to the other. "What is that?" she said, pointing at the man. "A human." "A human? You mean they're real?" "Yes. All my life I've wanted to see a real human. Now," tears started to well up in her eyes. The image blurred. "Noooo!" came a cry before the sky returned to normal. A few weeks later on Abbey Road... "♫Lyra in the Sky with Diamonds!♫" The music came to a halt. "I don't know," said a thin man, " 'Lyra in the Sky with Diamonds', just doesn't seem to have a nice ring to it." "Come on Paul, those are the lyrics." Paul turned to another band member. "What do you think, George?" George merely shrugged. "Ringo?" "As long as I can play my drums, I don't care what the lyrics are." Paul turned to the producer in another room. "What do you think Martin?" "When people here 'Lyra', they're going to think about a harp." Paul thought for a moment. "What's another 'L' name we can use. How about 'Lucy' ?" "You can't be serious," said John. "Let's give it a try." "Where did you come up with the lyrics?" asked Ringo. "They came to me," insisted John. "Okay," said Paul, " 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' on three. One. Two." Years later, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds would be ranked one of the best songs by The Beatles. TV STATIC Author's Note After three days of driving, I finally reached the end of the Alaska Highway at Dawson Creek, British Columbia. The UnicornBerry Punch walked down the street of Ponyville, getting odd glances from the other ponies. Finally, she approached a familiar apple stand. "Howdy, Berry Punch." "Good morning, Applejack. I'd like a dozen apples please." "Sure thin'." Applejack filled a bag with a twelve red delicious apples and collected the payment. But throughout the whole encounter, she kept glancing at Berry with the same confusion as the other ponies. Finally, Berry asked, "Is something a matter, Applejack?" "Well... Ah... Ah didn't want to say nuthin'..." "Go on," urged Berry Punch. "Well, Ah thought ya were an earth pony. But this mornin' y'all have a horn. Is it an animation error?" Smiling, she said, "No." Berry reached up and removed her horn, much to Applejack's amazement. "What the-" Berry unscrewed the cap at the base of the horn, and took a sip. She held the flask up, "Care for a pull? I should warn you, it's 90 proof." TV STATIC Political PrisonerJuly 14th, 1789.... "Charge!" The mob surged forward, breaking all restraint like water bursting a dam. Shots rang out from on high, cutting down men, but still the masses pushed onward. The gate was thrown back and the revolutionaries entered the fortress of the Bastille. "Free the prisoners!" Jean Clemenceau stole the keys and raced into the corridor. He shoved the key into the lock and threw open the cell door. "Are you here to rescue me?" asked the purple-maned unicorn. Before departing to spread the revolution to her homeland, Mlle Starlîght Glîmmér proclaimed the French Revolution's goals as "Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!" TV STATIC SlipBam! The door burst open and a witch rushed in. The owl head adorning the door admonished, "Hoo, be careful!" Eda said, "Shut up Hooty!" Not seeing her apprentice, she yelled, "Luz! We've got to go! The Emperor's soldiers will be here any minute." The girl bounded into the living room carrying a demon. "I've got King!" The little demon struggled in her arms, "Put me down! I will destroy all of them!" Eda reached for her staff, but observed the palisman missing. She bellowed, "Owlowiscious!" Luz exchanged a confused glance with King. "I thought his name was Owlbert," she said. Quickly Eda corrected, "That's what I said, Owlbert. Forget what I said earlier. Don't ask questions." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, my latest obsession. It fills the hole that's existed since Gravity Falls wrapped up. If you haven't seen it, go watch it! I came across it a few weeks ago and binge watched it. The second half of season 1 is in progress. I'd say more, but I'm afraid I'd ruin it for you. As for this chapter, I think it's the very first The Owl House/MLP crossover on the site. Now, back to waiting for the movers to arrive.... Dreadnought Crime Scene InvestigationSherlock Holmes and Dr. James Watson stood in the study, examining the scene. Sprawled across the desk was a man. Protruding from his back was a long-handled knife. "Well, I dare say this is quite the mystery, Holmes. A dead professor. A missing formula. All the doors and windows locked from the inside. No signs of forced entry. No finger prints on the knife handle. Nobody was seen near the study all afternoon." A long pause followed. "Any ideas?" "Yes." "Really?" gasped Watson. "After his lunch, Dr. Borger sealed himself in the study, where he thought he was safe. But at one o'clock, a unicorn teleported into the room, telekinetically levitated the knife from the display case, stabbed Borger in the back, grabbed the formula, and teleported out." "How did you come to that conclusion?" "Very simply, my dear Watson. Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be true." TV STATIC Author's Note History LessonThe woman addressed the class. "Today, we are going to learn about the Pony Express. It was a means of sending messages from coast to coast. It consisted of a series of riders who would race from one station to the next, where they would hand of their mail to the next rider, forming a relay. Several famous names of the Old West were brave riders, facing harsh weather, difficult terrain, boredom, and hostile Indians. Such men as William 'Buffalo Bill' Cody, Robert Haslam, and Billy Tate. Now, please turn to page one hundred thirty in your history textbooks." The boys and girls dutifully reached for their books. Meanwhile, in the back of the class Apple Bloom leaned over to Sweetie Belle and held up a hoof as she whispered, "How come nobody ever talks about the bravery of the ponies?" TV STATIC Storming the Castle"I'm going to save Eda!" proclaimed Luz. "But, how are you going to get into the Emperor's castle?" asked King. "It's a fortress! And even if you manage to get in, you'd still have to defeat all his guards. I want Eda back too, but I don't think you can do it." "Oh, I'll do it. I've got a secret weapon." "You do?" Luz pulled forth an enchanted object. "What's that, Luz?" "It's an artifact of immense magical power. It's called -- the Alicorn Amulet." TV STATIC Author's Note I love The Owl House! Dreadnought VOTE!!!Princess Twilight smiled at the camera. "Good Evening. Tomorrow is election day. It is the right and responsibility to every citizen to vote for their country's leaders. I cannot stress enough how important it is...." Princess Twilight frowned. "Pinkie, what is the matter?" "Well, I was just wondering...." "Yes?" "Who voted for you?" "Well...." "You said how important it is to vote for a country's leaders. I didn't vote for you. In fact, I don't know anypony who voted for you. When's our election?" Princess Twilight was flustered. Finally, she said, "Trixie, if you would." Suddenly a large red arrow appeared and removed Pinkie Pie's mouth and tossed it into a trash can. "As I was saying, Election Day is extremely important. So, go out and vote. Thank you and good night." TV STATIC Author's Note VOTE!!! Post Election DayTo Do: Write witty chapter about the election of (Trump/Biden) and their running mate (Pence/Harris). Talk about how (Trump/Biden) won (insert Pennsylvania/Wisconsin/Michigan) while losing (insert Pennsylvania/Wisconsin/Michigan). Reflect on how nice it is that the election is finally decided. TV STATIC Thanksgiving 2020Over a hundred gathered in front of the equestrian statue. Adjusting her glass, Twilight Sparkle smiled, "We here at Canterlot High would like to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving." Holding up numerous pies, Pinkie Pie said, "It's a time to share wonderful food..." "With family..." said Applejack as she hugged her little sister. "And friends..." added Sunset Shimmer as she wrapped her arms around Applejack and Twilight. "And your pets," finished Fluttershy as she cuddled a grumpy Angel. Flittering above, Rainbow Dash cheered, "Football!" "Rainbow Dash - " began an annoyed Applejack. "Oh, I agree darling," added Rarity. "Dozens of muscular men in tight pants who bend over every down and - " "Cut!" cried Vice-Principal Luna. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thanksgiving! Yes, one of my friends loves to watch football for that very reason. I, on the other hand, love to watch the long passes, the amazing catches by the receivers, the running backs plowing their way through a crowd of defenders, the 50+ yard field goals, and of course the hard hits! Just remember: Texans vs. Lions - on now Washington vs. Cowboys - later this afternoon Ravens vs. Steelers - postponed until Sunday Dreadnought The TruthAugustine Washington crossed his arms and scowled down at little George. A distance behind the boy lay a fallen cherry tree with an ax firmly implanted into the stump. "Well son," he began, "is there something you want to tell me?" The boy looked up into his stern father's eyes. Taking a deep breath, he confessed, "I cannot tell a lie. Applejack is best pony." TV STATIC Author's Note BTW, Trotcon's winter event will start shortly. https://trotcononline.net/ Christmas 2020The student six sat around their common room, enjoying a relaxing Hearth's Warming. Every creature was in good spirits and holiday cheer. "Here's my gift to you," said Sandbar as he passed Gallus a wrapped package. Eagerly the griffon tore apart the wrapping paper. Examining the gift, his smile turned to a look of confusion. "Animal treats?" he asked. "Wait a minute. If you got the animal treats, then who got all the different types of jerky?" wondered Sandbar. Angel was in a panic. Banging on drums didn't work. Smelling salts didn't work. Cold water to the face didn't work. How was he going to rouse Fluttershy from her faint? AftermathMrs. Cake gazed at the dessert on the counter. She sighed, "I love Hearth's Warming... I just wish everypony didn't give fruitcake." Looking up from the cupcakes she was decorating, Pinkie Pie asked, "You don't like fruitcake?" "Not particularly," admitted the older mare. "I can fix that!" proclaimed Pinkie. She bounced over to the cupboard and then to the fruitcake. She opened a one pound bag of sugar. "Aren't you going to use a measuring spoon?" asked a confused Mrs. Cake. "Nope!" responded Pinkie, who proceeded to dump the entire bag onto the offending cake. After a moment, Mrs. Cake stared at the fruitcake buried beneath a mountain of sugar. Pinkie Pie bounded to the cupboard and returned with another bag of sugar.... TV STATIC Author's Note I don't like ice tea. But if I put enough sugar in it the tea taste is completely drowned out. 2021!Twilight read the clock. "5...4...3...2...1... It's officially 2021!" "Happy New Year!" cried Pinkie Pie as confetti shot out of her cannon. "An' good riddance to 2020!" declared Applejack with an affirmative nod of the head. "Happy New Year, Discord," said Fluttershy. "Happy New Year, Fluttershy." "Wait a minute," said Twilight Sparkle as she eyed the draconequus skeptically. "I thought you'd be sad. You were enjoying all the chaos of 2020." "Oh, I was." "So, why are you so happy?" Discord gave a devilish smile. "If you thought 2020 was chaotic, just wait 'till you see what I've got planned for 2021!" TV STATIC Infinity train"Wow, that was a great way to spend an hour," said Tulip as she stretched. "A full on massage...." "I have to agree," said Atticus, the corgi king. "The ear scratches and belly rubs were quite enjoyable." "I don't have a belly," lamented One-One. "Well, we have to keep going," noted Tulip. "It's the only way to get my number down. Let's get through this car as quickly as possible." She reached for the handle of the next train car. Stepping inside, the three found themselves in a pastel world. "What is this place?" asked Atticus. "Ponyville," smiled Tulip. "Okay, new plan. We're staying here." "But what about going home?" "I am home," said Tulip, with no room for argument. TV STATIC Inauguration 2021Ex-Princess Celestia sipped her morning tea, enjoying Wuthering Hooves. The book was considered a classic of Equestrian literature. She remembered when it first came out and the stir it caused in literary circles. She had intended to read it then to decide on its merits herself, but royal duties took up all of her time. Now, 173 years after its publication, she finally had time to engross herself in its prose. "Sister!" Celestia looked up, "What's wrong Luna?" Ex-Princess Luna was excited. "We just received the Manehattan Times. Look at this." She shoved the paper on top of the book and pointed at the front page. Biden Inaugurated as 46th President! New Era in Washington. At 78 Becomes Oldest President. Harris Becomes First Female Vice-President. "Yes, Tia. Dost thou know what this means?" "I suppose our relations with the United States will be improved?" she assumed. "Not just that." "That the tariffs will be reduced?" she ventured. "That's not necessarily what I was implying." "That Equestria should prepare for a state visit?" she proposed. "No." "Then what?" "Seventy-eight! We could have continued ruling for years to come!!!" TV STATIC Author's Note I wanted to do something to mark the occasion, and this is what came to mind. KFC"I'll have a large bucket of fried chicken" An angelic voice came across the intercom. "Eight, twelve, or sixteen piece?" "Twelve - better make that extra crispy - a sixteen-piece bucket of grilled chicken, two colonel sandwiches, and a large Coke." "I'm so sorry, but we only have Pepsi products." "Okay, give me a large Pepsi." "Please pull around to the first window." The man pulled up to the window and exclaimed, "Fluttershy!" "Yes?" "What are you doing working at KFC?" "Well, I needed a job since our show ended." TV STATIC Author's Note Surprisingly, I couldn't find prices for these products when I searched online. Be sure to check back tomorrow for a special topical chapter of Robot Pony! Dreadnought Superbowl Party!On the Apple Farm... Wham! Thunk! Shwin! "I've got you cornered!" declared Rainbow Dash as she banged on the game controller. "It ain't over yet!" retorted Applejack as she frantically manipulated the controls. "They've been at it for hours," observed Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. "Those two certainly are competitive," remarked Rarity. Shrugging, Sunset Shimmer said, "Eh, they are pretty evenly matched. They won't play me anymore because I always win." Pinkie burst into the room, "I've got cupcakes!" "Would you two put it away already," said Rarity to the two gamers. "We need the television." Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaa! "How did you?" sputtered Rainbow. "Awe, can't take a loss?" smiled Applejack. "Well, it's almost kickoff. Time to put on CBS." "We aren't watching the Superbowl," said Rarity. "What!" "We decided to put on a watch a wonderful romantic comedy instead." "You can't be serious!" Twilight said, "We voted on it and it won, 5-0." "What!" exclaimed Rainbow again. "Five-nuthin'?" wondered Applejack. "You two were so wrapped up in your game you missed the vote," said a smug Rarity. Applejack and Rainbow Dash exchanged looks. At Twilight's house... "Do we have the pizza?" asked Shining Armor. "Eeyup," replied Big Mac. "Soda?" "Eeyup." "Nachos." "Eeyup." "Wings?" "Eeyup." "Burgers." "Eeyup." "96 inch tv with surround sound?" "Eeeeyup!!!" Shining Armor, Big Mac, Spike, Zephyr Breeze and Flash Sentry all cheered "Guys Night!" "And the Buccaneers, who have won the toss, have elected to kick. They line up...." Ding! Dong! "Who could that be, right at kickoff?" wondered Shining. He opened the door and two girls pushed past him heading to the living room. "Rainbow? Applejack?" "Thanks for inviting us!" said Rainbow Dash as she dug into the steaming pizza. TV STATIC Author's Note After what the Chiefs did to my team in the playoffs, I'm rooting for the Bucs! The Author Gets LazyPonyville Mane six walk down street pinkie pie looks up to sky - Look how fast that pony clears the clouds rainbow gets jealous [insert ten seconds flat joke] the two ponies race to see how fast sky can be cleared insert pinkie cheering rainbow insert best pony Applejack speaking in southern accent insert twilight speaking technobabble other pony wins rarity faints - fainting couch appears from nowhere rainbow upset at loss luna celebrates her victory over rainbow audience laughs Author's Note insert note about well written chapters resuming soon Pony Tales: Pinkie PieOh, I'm so very happy you decided to come read my story. It's going to be so much fun to write! Where to start? Oh, how silly of me. At the beginning, of course! So there I was - sorry about that, there was this squirrel outside my window. I bet Fluttershy would be able to tell me what he was looking for. She's good with animals, you know. It is how she got her cutie mark. Well, maybe Dashie and her sonic rainboom had something to do with it, but she wouldn't have known she was good with animals if Dashie's sonic rainboom hadn't scared all the animals away. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the beginning. So, you remember when Twilight became an alicorn? No, really, do you? I do. It was right after Twilight switched our cutie marks. I don't know about you, but I find it funny. Twilight got to be an alicorn after switching our cutie marks. Starlight Glimmer removed our cutie marks. Even though that was a pretty meanie thing to do, doesn't that rank right up there? Shouldn't Starlight be an alicorn? Anyways, I decided to throw an alicorn party. So the next day I sneaked - snuck? - I don't want to get this wrong, especially if Rarity reads this chapter. She polices our writings and was super unhappy I included a mini party cannon in my journal entry. Anyways, I went to the library the next day when Twilight was out. I got it all fixed up. I had games. I had cake. I had punch. I had a special little alicorn pinata - does that word need that funny squiggly line in it? I had everything. I gathered the whole town in the library to suprise her. But she suprised us! She had gone to Canterlot to get ready for her coronation! Well, I didn't want to let a party go to waste, so we partied without her until Celestia rose the sun. The library was a mess, worse than Sugarcube Corner was after I babysat for Pound and Pumpkin, so I had to spend the day cleaning it up. The end. No wait, there's more! After the coronation, I held another super duper party for Twilight. Because that's what I do. I'm the super duper party pony! Now it's the end!!! Oh, wait, did I mention that Berry Punch managed to get Cranky drunk? It was hilarious! You should have been there! Now it's the end. For sure. No doubt. Yep, still the end. Author's Note Wasn't that a great chapter! I hope you enjoyed it! I've never published before! Oh, unless you count my entry into the journal that got published in that book. Oh! I did get some recipes in a cookbook once! They were super duper yummy! The editors wouldn't use my strawberry-cinnamon-cilantro cupcakes. I don't know why. Their loss. Pinkie Pie B.S. Wait, I mean P.S. Rainbow wants to go next. She says that her chapter will knock the socks off of you. I didn't know humans wore socks. We only wear them in the bedroom. Are you reading this in bed? Pony Tales: Rainbow DashThe Most Awesome True Story Ever! by Rainbow Dash the ponies huddled together, surrounded by a horde of terrifying ogres. Twilight tried making friends. Rarity lay on her fainting couch with her face buried in a carton of ice cream. Fluttershy covered her face with her hooves. Pinkie Pie was playing a funeral march on her yovidaphone. Applejack shook in fear, a yellow puddle on the ground beneath her. the ogres smiled, their fangs glinting in the torchlight. they drew their swords. they raised their axes. they pulled back on their bows ready to let loose a volley of arrows. "This looks like the end," said Twilight. "reckon so," squeaked Applejack as she added to the puddle beneath her. "I've made plans for our funerals," said Pinkie. "We're doomed. Dooooooooomed!" wailed Rarity. "Won't somepony please save us!" Suddenly there was an deafening boom in the sky. evry creature looked up to see a massive rainbow spread out in all directions The orgres were confused. suddenly, faster than the eye could see, a rainbow colored trail zipped among them. Ogres fell left and right. Dozens - no hundreds - no millions were beaten to a pulp. In ten seconds flat it was all over. the ponies gazed in wonder to see a super cool radical hypersonic ultrapowerful awesomely invincible pegasus standing upon a pile of ogres. "RAINBOW DASH!" celebrated Pinkie Pie. "Our savior!" cried Rarity. "Mah sorry flank was saved by the best pony in Equestria!" announced honest Applejack. "RAINBOW DASH!" said Twilight. "What you've accomplished is twenty percent cooler than completing Starswirl's unfinished spell!" RAINBOW DASH smiled as she disappeared into a white ball of energy... That afternoon, Canterlot celebrated the coronation of the coolest princess around. RAINBOW DASH addressed the thousands of ponies who came out. "I just want to let you know, I may be an alicorn and a princess, but that's not going to change who I am. I'll always be there to kick some flank to save Equestria! I'm Equestria's greatest hero, and nothing's going to happen while I'm around." The crowd of millions cheered as the Wonderbolts did a flyby in celebration. "Your highness," said Spitfire. "I have decided to retire. The Wonderbolts need a new leader. I was hoping you'd become the next captain." "Alright!" Soarin came up next with a bouquet of flowers. "RAINBOW DASH, you're the hottest mare around. Could I go on a date with the sexiest mare in the universe?" "Heck yeah!" RAINBOW DASH looked around at all her friends, the other weaker alicorns, and the billions of cheering fans "BEST DAY EVER!!!" Author's Note That was my first story ever and I know what you're thinking. "That story was awesome!" "That story was the best chapter of Robot Pony!" "That story is the best thing ever put on fimfiction!" "That was the greatest story ever told!" And you'd be right. Try beating this, Twilight! Rainbow Dash Pony Tales: Twilight SparkleAuthor's Note I would just like to address the wild unfounded rumors running rampant about me. Somepony, I don't know who, has been spreading rumors that I spend my time secluded in the library writing romance stories where I ship friends, family, neighbors and even villains. Allegedly, deep in some hidden room in the basement of my castle, locked away in an unmarked filing cabinet, there exists a secret shipfic folder with scores of such tales. These rumors are complete and utter nonsense. I vehemently deny all this groundless speculation into my private life and ask that ponies stop circulating such untrue gossip. Now I present my contribution, which I wrote just now. Twilight Sparkle Pony Tales: Twilight Sparkle An Officer and a Gentlemare by Twilight Sparkle The white unicorn leaned over the table, propping her head upon her hooves. She let her perfectly coiffed purple mane spill over her shoulders and dance upon her little black dress. Her necklace, dripping with diamonds, shimmered in the flickering candlelight. She smiled seductively at the pony across the table. "Darling," she purred, "have you ever experienced a perfect moment?" "What do you mean?" asked her companion. "I find everything is just... perfect. My award winning fashion line has made the cover of Vanity Mare. You've commissioned and are now the newest member of the Wonderbolts. And here we are, at the most romantic restaurant in Canterlot." "I..." hesitated her companion. "What's wrong?" asked the concerned mare. Shaking her rainbow mane, her companion sighed, "Clarity... we need to talk. You deserve to be happy, to be with the pony of your dreams. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you. There's only one mare who truly captures my heart." "Sonic Spectrum?" she faltered. "I'm sorry," repeated the blue pegasus as she left the table. The next day a most unusual visitor graced the shop floor at the Canterlot Paper Mill. Amongst the humming machinery that churned out all sorts of paper products, a figured walked with a sense of determination. Sonic Spectrum strode through the factory in her spotless, pressed dress white uniform. All around the workers stopped what they were doing to watch the scene. At the end of the line, a lavender unicorn hunched over the machine, inspecting the finished product. Her two-toned purple and pink mane was tied loosely in a ponytail that hung over her dirty denim overalls. Sonic approached the mare and tapped her on the shoulder. The unicorn turned around and instantly her frown was transformed into a perplexed smile. "Hello," said Sonic. "There's something I need to say to you." "You had me at hello," responded the mare. "Please, Evening Twinkle, I need to say this. I made a mistake. I realize that I was selfish, that I was a jerk. But you.... You make me want to be a better mare." Without any warning, Twinkle darted forward and the two shared a long, passionate kiss. Breaking the kiss, a smiling Twinkle giggled with happiness. Sonic Spectrum smiled in return then scooped up Twinkle in her forelegs, carrying her out of the factory to the cheers and tears of the fellow workers.... Pony Tales: RarityAuthor's Note Hello Darlings, I hope you don't mind me taking a little longer to publish my fabulous contribution to this anthology series. I have been so busy of late with working on my spring fashion line and managing my three stores. But do, please, read and enjoy this piece of art. Pony Tales: Rarity It was a dark and stormy night. Quite unusual for Canterlot. The pegasi had been force to postpone numerous light rains due to the annual Spring Festival celebrating the end of winter and instead created a mass of black clouds that engulfed the capital. Now, as I gazed out the window, the streetlamp at the corner was barely visible through the pounding rain. My evenings in the city typically were occupied by the latest society event or soirée. It seems everypony wanted to get the opinion of the latest up-and-coming fashionista. But not tonight. The thought of traipsing through the storm was horrid - even if I could have shown off one my fabulous raincoats. So instead, I took advantage of the respite to work on my spring collection from my upstairs workroom at Canterlot Carousel. The lights flickered with the lightning of the storm. I sat lost in thought, my only companion the softly humming sewing machine before me. BAM! I bolted upright as the stitching of the new gown became ruined. From downstairs I heard a blood-chilling scream. I rushed across the room and down the stairs to the darkened showroom. I lit my horn, useful not only for fighting back the shadows but also charging a powerful burst to repel a possible assailant. When I reached the bottom of the stairs the room lay still. The front door stood open, allowing the sound of the downpour outside to enter along with the occasional gust of wind-blown rain. I took a breath and put as much courage into my words as I dared. "Is anypony there?" Nothing. I turned my head from side to side, but didn't see anypony. With my magic I flipped a switch and the showroom was filled with light and a second blood-curling scream. Except, this one was from me. Sprawled in the center of my showroom lay none other than Fleur de Lis. Motionless. With a knife plunged into her back. An hour later, I was again explaining my story to the detective. I told him I had been working upstairs when I heard a terrible noise from my showroom. Yes, I must have left the boutique's front door unlocked. No, I wasn't expecting her. Yes, I knew the victim. No, I had not tampered with any evidence. No, I didn't know the circumstances around her death. Finally, the body was removed, and I was escorted downtown. I entered the police station, a place that could use a light feminine touch with some hard cleaning, and related my story again. The detective sat behind a typewriter filling out the forms. Once he was done, I had to sign my official statement. "Thank you sir, I will head back to my shop. Perhaps have a nice, soothing tea." "If you want my recommendation, hard liquor would be the way to go." Given my nerves at the moment, he may have been right about needing something a little stronger. But hard liquor? No. A glass or two of pinot noir by the fireplace would suit me better. He interrupted my train of thought. "One more thing." "Yes." "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to come with me." Confused, I followed him down to the basement and into a room. Upon a table lay a mass, hidden under a sheet. I gulped. An elderly stallion entered the room. "Good evening miss, I'm the coroner for Canterlot. I'm going to have to have you officially identify the body." I steeled myself, but even after seeing my friend earlier, I still felt sick. Her lifeless body lay upon the table. The knife had been removed but the wound still fresh, and I could see deep into the wound. I quickly confirmed it was Fleur before rushing to the bathroom to empty my stomach. The next day I paid a call at the police station and was ushered to the detective I had met the night before. "How can I help you miss?" he asked gruffly. I bit my lower lip. "I don't mean to intrude, but I find myself in a difficult situation. I loaned a very valuable necklace to Fleur for last week's gala. I was hoping to retrieve it. I realize that an expensive necklace mysteriously disappearing from the victim's flat would raise questions. I would be ever so grateful if you could help me," I batted my eyelashes at the detective. "Miss, we in the middle of a murder investigation." "I realize that. Unfortunately, the client who had it special ordered will be coming to Canterlot to pick it up." He sighed, "You're in luck. We've got a team over at her apartment right now." The detective was kind enough to escort me to Fleur's apartment. It was not foreign to me. She had hosted me before for afternoon tea and once for a charity fundraiser. It was in an upscale building located on Canterlot's upper west side, the kind where most ponies find their year's pay spent on a month's rent. The posh penthouse had equally sweeping views of the city and the Equestrian countryside in the valley below. It had been decorated by a famed Manhattan designer using only the finest of imported furniture from Prance. I followed the detective into the penthouse, and saw several other officers investigating the scene. One was reading through a pile of books on the coffee table, apparently searching through her diaries. Another was taking notes. I noticed the door to the large coat closet stood open. Inside hung shawls and capes and wraps, many of my own design. There was also a large coat fit for a stallion. "Miss?" "Oh, yes," I acknowledged. "I'll take you to the back." He led me back to the finely-appointed master bedroom. It was as equally impressive as the public areas of the penthouse. Curiously, the bed was unmade and a familiar scent, a perfume that I couldn't place a hoof on, lingered in the air. I saw an armoire and trotted over. "She's here to retrieve her necklace," explained the detective. "There's plenty of jewelry in there," responded the other officer. "It doestn' look like anything was taken." I searched through all of her jewels. Honestly, I felt ashamed rummaging through a murdered mare's personal belongings, but my client would be in Canterlot that afternoon. Finally I found the necklace and, after showing it to the detective, carefully stowed it into my saddle bag. As he led me out, I heard the other officers conversing. "If you ask me, it was her coltfriend." "Yeah, Fancy Pants is the prime suspect." The next few days were scandalous. Fancy Pants, the noted member of high society, had been arrested for murder! The team of high-profile lawyers from Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and even San Franciscolt would make the upcoming proceedings the trial of the century. I did my best to weather the storm. Being a friend of both Fluer's and Fancy's put me in a difficult position and cast guilt by association upon me. I forced myself to attend society events. I could not, nor would not, hide in my boutique. I knew it would be best to be out letting ponies know I had nothing to hide. I will admit, however, that however easy that may sound on paper, it is quite the opposite when you are about with hundreds of eyes on you. A week later I found myself at an upscale party. Of course, the main topic of conversation was the murder. Equicide was rare in Canterlot, but the high-profile nature of the victim and the accused, the grisly nature of the crime, and the speculation that the guilty would beat the rap all made it everypony's favorite piece of gossip. "Well, they were known for having relationship issues," said one mares in the conversation. "And he is known for having his way," said another. I stomped my hoof. "I, for one, cannot believe that he did it. I know him, he's better than murder!" "Perhaps you do not know him as well as you think," said the voice I least wanted to hear. I spun around, "Prince Blueblood." "They say the police have a solid case," he remarked as he continued on towards the bar. That night I tossed and turned. I just couldn't get over it. Something was wrong. Something didn't make sense. Something didn't fit. I bolted upright and gazed out the window. Two in the morning is not the time to be awake. Unable to return to sleep, I trotted over to my workroom. Hopefully, the constant familiar drone would set my mind at ease so that sleep would return. But I kept turning it over and over in my mind. Something was annoying me, like a mismatched button on a dinner jacket. Suddenly it hit me. I raced down the stairs and out the door. The police station was only a few blocks away.... I stood patiently by the door with a squad of police. Silence reigned. Finally, the door swung open. "What is the meaning of this!?" he demanded. "Prince Blueblood," I began. "We have found the murderer of Fleur de Lis." "You have?" he asked, confusion evident in his voice. "Yes. It was you." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "It all makes sense. When I visited Fleur's penthouse I saw a stallion's coat in her closet. I, like the police, assumed it was Fancy's. But I had taken his measurements for a suit two month's ago. The coat in the closet was much too big for him. It must have come from another, larger stallion." "I won't listen to this rubbish," he insisted, but found his path blocked by the police. "In Fleur's bedroom, I smelled a delightful perfume. But last night I realized it wasn't perfume - it was a stallion's cologne. Juniper Phoenix, the same brand you're wearing now." "That's not enough to accuse me, a member of the royal family - " "And the knife was not any old knife. It was a dueling knife. They always come in pairs." He glared at me. A police officer added, "We searched your house today and found a matching knife - only one matching knife." "Why you!" bellowed Prince Blueblood. He lowered his glowing horn at me. I gasped. A second later he was tackled by a group of police ponies. "Well," noted the detective. "You certainly wrapped this case up." "Yes. But it doesn't change the fact that somepony was murdered...." Pony Tales: ApplejackAuthor's Note Howdy Y'all! I know it's been my turn at a chapter for a while, but with all the planting an farmwork an harvesting, I haven't had much time to write. I also wasn't sure what to write so I asked my friends for advice. Twilight thought it should have some shipping. Rarity wanted it to have culture, like Weathering Hoofs. Rainbow Dash said it should show how awesome she was. I thought about it, but nothing came to mind. I asked my family what they thought. Apple Bloom wanted to be in it. Granny said it should have Sweet Apple Acres so we could get some free advertising. Big Mac suggested something epic, like that there board game he an Discord an Spike play. So, I finally sat down and wrote it. I hope y'all like it! Applejack Pony Tales: Applejack Roar! The hydra rampaged through town, its heads whipping about like cornstalks in a tornado. Jaws snapped at anypony within reach. "Rainbow Dash, distract the heads!" ordered Twilight. "On it!" cried RD, swooping in and out. Jaws tried to bite that pony in half, but she was too fast. "We've got to slow it down! Applejack - " She didn't have to say anymore. I twirled my lasso an snared the tail an pulled on the rope with all my might. The hydra charged forward. I was nearly dragged along with it, but I dug my hooves into the ground. That varmint wasn't going to get away from me! Out of the corner of my eye, I say half a dozen party cannons firing confetti an cake at the belly of the beast firing. Then a large, colorful banner in a blue magic aura wrapped around the hydra's legs causing it to slam onto the ground. After what seemed like forever, Twilight did some of her fancy unicorn magic and the hydra was fast asleep. That night I trudged home in the dark. I was tired. I was dirty. I was sore in places I'd never been sore before. All I wanted was a hot meal, a warm bath, and a good nights sleep. "Applejack! Are y'all alright?" asked Granny Smith as she eyed the black bruises over my body. "I'm fine." I says. "I heard there was a hydra." says Apple Bloom. "Yeah, it was tearing up the town." "I wanted to go see it, but Big Mac would let me." she pouted. "Eeyup." he says. I says, "Well, he's right on that. Taking down a hydra's a dangerous job." "You do it." she says. "Well, somepony had to do it." "Eeyup." "Isn't there a better way?" asked Granny Smith. "I don't know," I rubbed my chin. "I know!" says Apple Bloom. "You do?" "Leave it all to me! Zecora taught me a potion that will be a big help!" A few weeks later, town got attacked again. A horde from the Storm King's - or should I say the former Storm King - army stormed into Ponyville when Twilight was in Canterlot. "There's too many of them, even for me!" says Rainbow Dash. Rarity wailed "Whatever shall we do?" like she does. You know what I mean. Though her fainting couch didn't show up. I could tell we were in a real nasty fight. But then I remembered I had planned for another emergency. "I've got this!" I says. I put my hoof to my mouth and let out a loud whistle. "What good is that going to do!" demands RD. A moment later, there was a terrific roar and then these things come charging out of the forest. "What are those?" asks RD. "Apple Bloom created them with her potions. She calls them ents." I says. The ents went to war and that was the shortest battle I've ever been in! Pony Tales: FluttershyAuthor's Note Thank you Applejack for that wonderful chapter you published yesterday. I hope everypony enjoys my chapter. Fluttershy Pony Tales: Fluttershy It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The peagsi had cleared the sky the night before and Celestia's golden sun shone overhead. The robins were singing in the trees while a gentle breeze brought scents of wildflowers. "Oh, Mr. Bear, would you like more tea?" Hairy shook his head yes. "There you go. Would you like sugar or - " I can tell where this is going, and it looks pretty lame. So I decided to take over and make it more exciting. Angel The ponies huddled together, surrounded by a horde of terrifying ogres. Twilight tried making friends. Rarity lay on her fainting couch with her face buried in a carton of ice cream. Pinkie Pie was playing a funeral march on her yovidaphone. Applejack shook in fear. Below Rainbow Dash lay a yellow puddle. The ogres smiled, their fangs glinting in the torchlight. They drew their swords. They raised their axes. They pulled back on their bows ready to let loose a volley of arrows. "This is the end," said Twilight. "Y'all are so right," squeaked Applejack as she added to the puddle beneath her. "I've made plans for our funerals," said Pinkie. "We're doomed. Dooooooooomed!" wailed Rarity. "Won't somepony please save us!" Suddenly there was a blue of white. Ogres fell left and right. Hundreds were beaten to a bloody pulp. In ten seconds flat it was all over. "Angel!" celebrated Pinkie Pie. "Our savior!" cried Rarity. "You're twenty percent cooler than me!" announced Rainbow Dash. "Oh, Angel," began Twilight. "Thank you so very much. How about - " Hey! That's my story everypony. Angel's been ripping me off. I'm taking over! Rainbow Dash A thousand ogres came over the crest of the hill. Rainbow Dash proclaimed "Me, the most awesome pony in Equestria, will stop them! "Rainbow Dash! I love you!" cried Twilight. Twilight! Let me write this thing. And then an army of ents - Applejack! And then Pinkie Pie fired off her party cannon and took out all the ogres! Then we all partied! PINKIE! Hello it's me! The Author. I think things are getting out of hoof so I'm taking my story back! Expect new chapters, starting with one tomorrow! Dreadnought Oliver TwistOliver reluctantly walked up to the front of the room. He looked up to the Hasbro executive standing high behind the podium. Oliver took a deep calming breath, steeling his nerves for what he had to say. With wide eyes he pleaded, "Please sir, I want some more." "What!" cried the executive. "Please sir, I want some more My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." "More!? You want more!" TV STATIC Author's Note I think we can all agree with Oliver. November 1stFluttershy trotted down Stirrup Street. All about ponies were taking down their Nightmare Night decorations, much to the pegasus's relief. She had spent another year locked in her cottage and huddled under the bed with all her animal friends providing moral support. But another Nightmare Night had come and gone without incident. Reaching Sugarcube Corner, she opened the door and stepped inside, instantly hit by all the wonderful scents of the delicious baked goods. Upon the counter sat several frosted cakes. In the display cabinet lay scores of mouth-watering sweets. And on the shelf - "Happy Day of the Dead!" cried a skeleton. "Eeep!" cried Fluttershy, falling backwards. The skeleton pushed its mask up. "Fluttershy, are you okay?" asked Pinkie Pie. "Uh, Fluttershy." She turned and yelled towards the kitchen, "Mr. Cake, we need the smelling salts out here." "Is it Fluttershy again?" came his voice. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy (belated) Halloween! G5The White House Friday, November 5th, 2021 10:20 AM: Fox New White House Correspondent Peter Doocy rose from his seat. "Mr. President, given your party's losses in the Tuesday elections, don't you think it's a referendum on your Build Back Better agenda?" "Well, the bill's not finalized, but - uh - there's a lot of things people will like. There's paid family leave... free pre-school... college funding... there's a push to provide internet across rural America. I think you underestimate how much people want G5 on Netflix. I know I want my G5 on Netflix...." Fimfiction.net 10:35 AM: Applejack1984: Did you see? Joe Biden came out as a Brony! JediPonyKnight: He did! That's awesome! I just may vote for him in 2024. Imthebest: How could you vote for him? I'll never vote for him! Applejack1984: We have to support our fellow bronies! The Internet 11:23 AM: The White House 1:33 PM: Jen Psaki licked her lips and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She answered the reporter's questions, "I'll have to ask the President how much he watches My Little Pony." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "I'll circle back around to this issue." Fox News 9:00 PM: "...and now Joe Biden, the leader of the free world, just admitted that he spends time watching My Little Pony. What do the Chinese and North Koreans think about this?..." asked Sean Hannity. MSNBC 9:00 PM: "...And how dare those nuts on the right attack the President for watching My Little Pony. It's the greatest show out there. It teaches about friendship and working together...." droned Rachael Maddow. CNN 10:00 PM: "...Now Republicans are attacking President Biden for watching My Little Pony. Joe Biden is setting the example for all Americans by watching a show about friendship. Maybe if those on the right watched My Little Pony, we wouldn't have had the insurrection on January 6th...." lectured Don Lemon. CBS Sunday, November 7th, 2021 9:01 AM: Jane Pauly addressed the camera, "With President Biden admitting that he watches My Little Pony, we take a look into the brony subculture in our Sunday Morning Cover Story...." CNN Sunday, November 7th, 2021 9:20 AM: Jake Tapper asked his guest, "So, what are the political implications of President Biden coming out as a brony?" The guest said, "It's obvious. The bronies are a political force and Joe Biden is seeking to bring them to his party. The Republicans will be in serious trouble if they don't reach out to the brony community...." The White House Sunday, November 7th, 2021 1:33 PM: Jen Psaki licked her lips and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She addressed the White House Press Corps, "I've spoken with the President, and I have some clarification." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "What the President meant to say on Friday was that the Build Back Better agenda will enable Americans to have 5G. With 5G, they will be able to watch anything on Netflix. This has nothing to do with My Little Pony." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "Now, I'll take another question, as long as it doesn't involve My Little Pony." TV Static Author's Note Just wondering how a gaffe by President Biden would play out. Making RightAt the Golden Oak Library: Rarity turned to the earth pony, "Did you hear that, Applejack? You certainly would not want to do anything that would ruin Twilight's very first slumber party, would you?" Applejack sighed, "Of course not, 'n you wouldn't either, I reckon?" "So do we have an agreement?" "You betcha." Applejack spit on her hoof and held it out to seal the deal. Rarity cringed away, "Oh! Gross! You know, there's messy and there's just plain rude." Irritated, Applejack fumed, "You know, there's fussy, 'n there's just plain gettin' on my nerves." Glaring at the farmer, she said, "Fortunately, I can get along with anypony, no matter how difficult she may be." "Oh yeah? Well, I'm the 'get-alongin-est' pony you're ever gonna meet." "That's not even a word," retorted the unicorn. The next day... Dear Merriam-Webster, I was searching your dictionary, and I noticed that a word was missing. I could not find getalongingest anywhere. Please add it to your dictionary. Sincerely, Applejack Dear Merriam-Webster, I know that you said in your letter that getalongingest was not a real word. But it is such a great word. It perfectly describes somepony like me - a pony who can get along with anypony, no matter how prissy or annoying they are. Sincerely, Applejack Dear Merriam-Webster, I still think getalongingest would make a good word. I'll prove it by using it in some books. Then you'll have to include it. Sincerely, Applejack Thirty-nine letters and five bestsellers later.... Applejack held up the dictionary. "See there Rarity! 'Getalongingest. Adjective. Ability to work with others despite the challenges.'" TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, how could we forget such a classic episode! The Silent Service0933 Zulu The North Atlantic USS Dallas "We've got a contact!" cried Petty Officer Jones. He began analyzing the signature. "It's a Typhoon-class... I think it's a new boat." He pressed some more buttons. "Starting recording." 0935 Zulu The Red October "...when the world trembled at the sound of our rockets. Well, they will tremble again, at the sound of our silence." Captain Ramius gave the order, "Engage the caterpillar drive!" Doors opened and the screws stopped spinning. A moment later twin jets of water silently propelled the Red October forward. 0937 Zulu USS Dallas Alarms starting ringing out. "What happened?" asked Master Chief Watson. "It's gone. One moment it was there and then it wasn't. And..." trailed off Jones. "And?" pressed Captain Mancuso. "I heard something when it went silent." "What?" "I heard singing." "Singing?" "Yes Sir, let me pull up the tapes." He pressed a few buttons then pushed play: ♫ Soon, one small thing leads to more It's so much more than there was before Just one small thing, and you will see The start of something big for you and me ♫ Mancuso balked, "What the -" TV STATIC 101 DalmatiansThe rickety moving truck bounced down the snow-covered country road. For a moment, Pongo and Perdita thought they were in the clear. The worried puppies poked their heads out of their hiding places. "Do you hear that?" asked Perdita. "It's a car," answered Pongo. "Cruella?" "Doesn't sound like her car.... Oh, no! It's worse!" Then, came a terrifying roar. Skidding along the icy road, a car came hurtling towards the truck. Every puppy scrambled into hiding from fear. With a wild passion in her eyes, the pink haired driver screamed at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!" TV STATIC Library TimeFluttershy sat for hours in the CHS library engrossed in a thick book. "Oh, darling, it looks like we've both found good books," said Rarity as she strolled up. "Oh yes. It's an absolutely great book. I haven't enjoyed reading so much since I read Wuthering Heights." "And what is this amazing book?" "It's Love in the Time of Cholera by Nobel prize winning author Gabriel García Márquez," explained Fluttershy. "Oh." "What's your book?" Rarity held it up. The title read "Love in the Time of Covid." TV STATIC ExtinctionAnd Noah did as he was told. He built an ark three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in breadth, and thirty cubits in height. And when it was done, the animals came two by two, male and female. Then Noah sealed the ramp for the ark and the rain began to fall. "Whowhee!" cried the orange pony throwing her hat into the air. "The earth pony tribe is saved! Ah'm sure glad we made it onto the ark." Looking around, she asked, "Say... any creature seen Rarity?" Meanwhile... The purple-maned unicorn rushed about. "We must hurry! The rain is ruining my mane!" "If you hadn't packed so much, we might not be late." The unicorn stallion struggled under the weight of a hundred suitcases and valises and trunks. "It's going to rain for forty days and forty nights, I need a lot of raincoats. And we're going to be on it for a hundred and fifty days, so I require a lot of outfits to look fabulous! Don't worry, darling. They won't leave without us." TV STATIC New StudentTwilight Sparkle addressed the assembled student body of her school. "Now every creature, we will have a new student. Doctor Whooves found him and thought he would benefit from learning friendship. I want you all to make him feel welcome." Everyone eyed the new student warily. Twilight turned and smiled at the new student. "Dalek, would you like to say something to your classmates?" Scanning the auditorium, it finally said, "Exterminate! Exterminate!" The students started screaming and broke for cover. TV STATIC Author's Note New Student IIEverycreature was gathered in the school's tattered auditorium. Some still wore shell-shocked expressions, while a few still smoked from scorch marks. Twilight Sparkle approached the podium, which had a few holes in it that weren't there yesterday. "Ahem," she began. "I believe our new student has something he would like to say." All the students tensed, ready to charge or break for cover. The Dalek moved around, examining the crowd. "Apologize! Apologize!" "Thank you," smiled Twilight as the students collectively exhaled. "Friendship, friendship! Friendship, Friendship!" TV STATIC 2022!Discord, robed in a purple smoking jacket, leaned back in a plush armchair. Removing his pipe, he addressed the reading audience. "Good afternoon. I've just been reflecting on all the chaos of 2021... capitol riots.... Delta variant... cancellation of the Keystone XL Pipeline... climate change... Omicron variant... oil spills... hurricanes... anti-lockdown protests... Prince Harry and Prime Willaim family fueding... I could go on and on. Why, the only predictable thing about 2021 was Tom Brady winning another Superbowl. Since Friendship is Magic finished in October 2019, I've had plenty of idle time. When will you humans learn that the best way to avoid Chaos is to have me appear on My Little Pony?" He sighed, "Oh well, I guess I'll make plans for 2022." He put his pipe back in his mouth and blew bubbles. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy New Year! How do you like my new cover art? It seemed time for a more pony-themed piece of art. CutawayPeter and Lois stared at the anarchy that was the living room. Stewie sat on the floor, slowly crooning "I'm a little teapot" while Meg painted the walls a fluorescent orange. Brian lay dead on the couch, his mouth outlined by black as a large box of half-eaten chocolate bon-bons sat next to him. Chris was in the corner, dancing and worshipping a large tiki idol. "What the hell!" cried Lois. Peter excalimed, "Yeah, this is more messed-up than that episode of My Little Pony I watched." ***CUTAWAY*** Cheerilee stood in the middle of the classroom, surrounded by her students. "Class, I have a surprise for you today. We're going on a field trip," she explained. "Yeah!" cried the students as Scootaloo's wings buzzed in excitement. "Where are we going?" asked Sweetie Belle. "Where going to the glue factory." "Yeah!" cried the students. TV STATIC The Last Crusade - Alternate EndingSnap Shutter sighed, "Turns out you're just like us, Scoot. You have an important job that only you can do. You love it, and it helps all of Equestria." Mane Allgood added, "Sometimes that means missing out on other things you love, like watching our daughter grow into a pony we're very proud of." Snap Shutter continued, "Which is a long way to say... Scoot, if you want to stay, we understand." Scootaloo, tears welling in her eyes, gasped, "Really?! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Mom!" Wheeeeeeeee!!! "The train!" said Snap. "We've got to go!" added Mane. "You're not going anywhere!" Everypony looked in shock at Mayor Mare. "What do you mean?" asked a confused Mane. "You two are facing some serious charges. Twelve counts of foal endangerment from bringing a cragadile to Ponyville Elementary. If convicted, you'll be spending a very long time in Ponyville Jail then on local parole." The scene became quiet. "Well...," began Apple Bloom. "Ah guess everything worked out in the end." TV STATIC Author's Note The Last Crusade is on today in an hour. This just came to mind. Dreadnought The Fall of Mount ArisMorning broke, the sun gradually rising above the horizon. On the walls of Mount Aris, the Hippogriff Army stood at arms, scanning the perimeter. Upon seeing the countryside, the sergeant cried, "They're gone!" "The Storm King's army is gone!" echoed the private. "They couldn't breach our walls!" celebrated the lieutenant. "Look, they left us tribute!" The sergeant cocked his head. "Is that a giant wooden human?" "Bring it in!" ordered the colonel. "Tonight we'll drink and party with not a care in the world!" "Is that a good idea?" questioned the lieutenant. "Of course it is! What's the worst that could happen? Bring it in!" ordered the colonel again. Meanwhile, inside the wooden human, the Storm King's minions bided their time. TV STATIC CHS Battle of the Bands The judges considered the music... After the end of the song, the judges conferred. Finally, Principal Celestia addressed the audience, "We are in agreement. The act was good, but it needed - " "MORE COWBELL!" cried Vice-Principal Luna. "WE MUST HAVE MORE COWBELL!" TV STATIC Author's Note Yeah, everyone wants MORE COWBELL!!! The Batsuit"Anything else you can trouble me for?" asked Lucius Fox. Bruce Wayne stated, "I need a new suit." Fox smiled, "Yeah, three buttons is a little Ninety's Mister Wayne." "I'm not talking fashion Mister Fox so much as function." "We're a little busy in Applied Sciences, but I know someone who can help." The next week... Bruce Wayne stood with his jaw hanging wide open. "Ooh," squealed the purple-haired teenage girl, "I knew you'd love it! You're speechless." "What am I looking at Miss Rarity?" Bruce Wayne finally asked. "I know, isn't it fabulous?" she said smiling at her latest creation. "It's pink." "Salmon, darling," Rarity explained. "I wanted - " "Yes, yes, I know. Black. But black is so drab and dreary. This is more fashionable." "Black helps create fear in the hearts of criminals." "And salmon with sequins and gems will create envy in the hearts of fashionistas!" TV STATIC Author's Note Just saw The Batman. It's pretty good. Couldn't come up with a tie-in for that movie yet, but hope you enjoy this The Dark Knight throwback. Dreadnought Academy Awards"And now, back to the 94th Fashion Academy Awards," boomed the announcer. "And now, to present the award for best fashion documentary, actor Comedy Roast." A pony in a tailored suit trotted onto stage to hoofstomps by the audience. "Good evening ladies and gentlecolts. I see we've got a full house for the ceremony. Every seat is filled." He eyed a particular pony. "And Rarity is sitting in a chair, instead of a fainting couch." There was general laughter as Rarity blushed in embarrassment. "And I see she's brought her marefriend. I think she'd make a great actress. In fact, I know a movie she'd be great for - The Baltimare Hillbillies! I didn't recognize her at first. I thought she'd show up in overalls and straw hat. But she's actually wearing a dress! Well, she's dressed up for a visit to Manehattan, four hundred miles from Ponyville." He leaned forward and stage whispered, "It's actually five hundred miles, but she can't count above four because she'll run out of hooves...." Rarity looked over and saw Applejack. The farmpony was hurt. Her ears drooped and her eyes no longer shined. In fact, they were welling up and Applejack sniffled as she fought back tears. Seeing her marefriend suffering made Rarity livid. No, it filled her with rage! Rarity hopped to her hooves and trotted forward. The comedian was still on his rant about how backwards Applejack was. Rarity's rage became white-hot fury. She climbed the stairs onto the stage. She would protect her marefriend's honor! She wasn't exactly sure, but she knew violence would be involved! She trotted across the stage, the comedian pausing as the irate fashionista approached. Rarity raised her hoof - Before she could strike, a strange bipedal creature stepped in front of her and slapped the comedian across the muzzle. As he walked away, Will Smith said, "How dare you make fun of best pony Applejack! Keep my favorite pony's name out of your foul mouth! TV STATIC Author's Note In case you've been living under a rock since Saturday... Celebrity Deathmatch"Good Evening and welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch!" said the smiling announcer. "I'm Johnny Gomez, along with my partner, Nick Diamond." "Hello, and boy have we a fight for you tonight," said Nick. "Yes, we sure do. Last Sunday's slap heard round the world was just the opening shot in this fued," responded Johnny. "At first Chris Rock took it on the chin -" "Literally." "- and turned the other cheek -" "LIterally." "- but now he wants to stand up for himself against Will Smith." "Yes, we are shattering viewership tonight with this fight," added Nick. "And in the left corner is Will Smith, who has a long resume of fights." "You're right. From battle aliens in Independence Day, to homicidal androids in I,Robot, to vampires in I Am Legend, to supervillains in Hancock, to aliens again in Men in Black, he has certainly seen his share of fights." "And let's not forget his role as Muhammed Ali," reminded Johnny. "That is one actor I wouldn't want to tangle with." "And in the right corner of the ring is Chris Rock, who - let's see - played a zebra in Madagascar." "I think this fight is pretty much decided," responded Nick. "And we now go live to the floor with referee Mills Lane." The referee said, "I want a good, clean fight. Let's get it on!" "And Will Smith is going for Rock," said Johnny. "He's slapping the comedian again," responded Nick. "I make these look good!" shouted Smith. "And Rock responds with a swing and a miss!" announced Johnny. "Now Will Smith punches Rock in the gut!" "Welcome to Earth!" shouted Smith. "It seems he's just using lines from his movies," added Nick. "Take that one from Men in Black." "That last one was from Independence Day," corrected Johnny. "Of course." "Will Smith delivers a couple of quick punches to Rock, who now is laying on the mat." "I am the greatest!" cried Will Smith. "Well, this match looks like it's over before it really began," lamented Nick. "Will Smith is now celebrating before the crowd." "Wait, Chris Rock is getting up. Will Smith has his back to him and doesn't see him coming!" "Wow! What a great hit! Smith is down! I think he's knocked out!" "You're forgetting I was in Leath Weapon 4!" cried Chris Rock. "And this fight is over. What an ending," said Johnny. "Well folks, that's it for this match. Good fight, good night." An hour later.... The man smiled as two figures approached his table. "Welcome, welcome!" he beamed. "Please take a seat." Will Smith sat down on one side of the table, and Chris Rock sat down on the other. "That was a great fight!" "We did good, mister producer?" asked Chris Rock. "Yes! Celebrity Deathmatch is back!" "Can we change now?" asked Will Smith. "Of course," answered the producer. A flash of green flames later and two insectoid creatures sat with the producer. "I'll make sure your checks are deposited in your accounts," he said. "The money is appreciated," said one creature. "But it's really the love of the audience that we need." "Just keep fighting like that, and you'll get all the love you could ever want," assured the producer. "Now, about next week's fight. I had this in mind." He slid a photograph onto the table. A flash of green flames later, and we was joined by President Vladimir Putin and President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. "We'll smash records again!" TV STATIC 007A man in a smart, tailored suit strode confidently into the office. He gave his usual smile, "Good morning, Moneypenny." "James," she replied, without her usual warmth. "M is waiting for you." He stepped into the office, seeing M sitting behind his desk. "Bond, it's bloody time you got in here," said M. "Well, I was practicing my French." "Practicing French or practicing on a French?" Before Bond could reply, he shook his head and said, "It doesn't matter." M glanced at the papers before him, "We've got a situation of the highest importance." "SPECTRE?" "No. A Freedom of Information Act request." He rose from his desk. "Follow me." The pair left the office and used an elevator to descend deep into MI6's headquarters. Walking down a long hallway, they arrived in a large control room. A group of senior officials had gathered, looking through the windows. Bond and M strode up to the one-way mirror and beheld the sight. A large group of people milled about. Men, women, boys, girls. Whites, blacks, Asians. Blondes, brunettes, red heads. "Who are they?" asked Bond. "Your children," M responded flatly. "My God Bond, you've been busy!" cried one official. "This is a security threat!" lamented a second. "Is that a unicorn?" asked an astonished Q, motioning to a small white mare with a horn. "An alicorn, actually," answered Bond. The shocked group turned to look at Bond wide-eyed. "I assisted the Equestrian Royal Guard and was assigned close escort duty to Princess Celestia." "We can see just how close you got!" responded Q. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Father's Day! ConcertMonday, 20 June 2022 The Granada Theater, Santa Barbara Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic sat in the dressing room getting ready for the concert. It was yet another stop on "The Unfortunate Return of the Ridiculously Self-Indulgent Ill-Advised Vanity Tour." He closed his eyes, visualizing how to make it the best concert ever. Then, from the concert hall, he heard something. The chanting started off soft, then grew. Quickly it became discernable what the audience was demanding: "Cheese Sand-Wich! Cheese Sand-Wich!" He grabbed his accordion and raced to the stage and immediately started singing "The Goof Off" to the cheers of the roaring crowd. TV STATIC Author's Note Okay. That didn't happen. But it would have been epic if it had. Dreadnought The Last Crusade - Deleted SceneIn between bites of ice cream, Scootaloo continued, "...and Princess Twilight said we're such good friendship tutors, she might even let us teach a class!" "Good on ya, Scoot!" praised Snap Shutter. Mane Allgood beamed, "What an honor!" "I can give you a tour of the school if you want. I mean, if you're staying for a while this time," Scootaloo said hopefully. "Oh, you'll be seeing plenty of us," Snap said with a sly glance at his wife. Scootaloo perked up , "Really?!" Mane nodded, "Mm-hmm. Because we've taken a new job assignment that will let all of us live together!" "I can't believe it! That's awesome!" Scootaloo leapt from her chair and momentarily hovered in place. "All right, Scootaloo!" Apple Bloom gave her friend of hoofbump. "Woo-hoo!" cried Sweetie Belle. Snap Shutter explained, "We never planned to be away for so long in the first place. We just kept discovering things that could help Equestria. And nopony else had the experience to finish our job." Mane Allgood became serious, "But with all that's happened lately – Sombra's return, the destruction of the Tree of Harmony – we decided our family should be together." The pair held out hoofs for their daughter. "Wait!" All eyes turned towards Sweetie Belle. "That caused you to return to Ponyville?" she asked. Mane and Snap shared a confused look between themselves. "Yes," answered Mane. Sweetie Belle said, "What about... ...and the first time... ...and that time... ...and then there was... ...and the terrible... ...and how could you possible forget... Scootaloo thought for a moment. "Now that you mention it, we also had... ...and... ...and then Trixie came back... ...and then Chrysalis came back... ...and we can't forget... ...and what about... ...and I know I told you about... ...and that really powerful... ...and finally... Apple Bloom rubbed her chin, "And that's just what hit Equestria. Scootaloo also... ...and... ...and that other time... "So," summarized Sweetie Belle, "after all that, the destruction of the Tree of Harmony is what finally brought you back to Ponyville?" TV STATIC Author's Note This was inspired by a panel at BABSCon. Dreadnought Fourth of JulyThe sweet smells of fresh pastries filled the kitchen. "Hoo-wee!" said Applejack. "We're bound to have enough for the party tonight." "I'm so excited!" said Pinkie Pie as she buzzed in anticipation. "Sunset Shimmer, are you excited?" Sunset smiled at her new friend. "Actually, yes. I've been here for a few years, but I've never celebrated the Fourth of July before." "What!?" cried Pinkie Pie. Shrugging, Sunset explained, "It's not something we have in Equestria and I didn't have any friends at Canterlot High." Throwing an arm around her friend, Applejack said, "Well you're in for one heck of a hootenanny tonight." DING! Pinkie bounced over to the oven and pulled out a tray. "What are those?" asked Sunset. "These are my special Fourth of July Firecracker Cupcakes!" She whipped out an icing bag and proceeded to load each of the cupcakes with frosting. The three girls leaned in to look at Pinkie's newest creations.... BANG!!! The girls stood covered with the remains of red, white and blue frosting. Sunset remarked, "Honestly, I'm not surprised." TV STATIC Big BrotherJulie Chen smiled into the camera. "Now it's time to announce the final contestant on this year's Big Brother. Who will join Jenna, Sarah, Roger, John, Aisha, Robert, and Andrea? Let's find out." Tense music and an uncomfortably drawn-out intro. "Pinkie Pie!" The pink-haired girl bounced into the house to meet the fellow houseguests. "Hiya! My name is Pinkie Pie! It's nice to meet you! You want to be friends!? I'm friends with everyone back in Canterlot! We're going to have so much fun!" A half-awake Aisha trudged down the hall to the bathroom. She reached for the doorknob and opened the door - Boom! "F*%#!" cried Aisha. Pinkie giggled, "I see you found the first of my hidden party cannons!" "That was a great dinner," said Bob. "I'm stuffed," agreed Andrea. "Who wants pie?" said Pinkie as she walked into the dining room somehow carrying eight pies. "I couldn't eat another bite," said John. Pinkie giggled, "There's always room for pie!" Before the other houseguests knew it, they each had a pie in front of them and a piece on a fork in their mouths. Most of the houseguests were fast asleep.... BAM! BAM! da-Bam! drrrRING! All the houseguests rushed into the living room only to be met with a shower of confetti. "Happy New Tuesday!" "This is ridiculous!" cried Andrea as sever others dropped a string of profanity. "Happy New Tuesday!" Shutting the refrigerator door, Bob asked, "Did Pinkie do the grocery shopping?" Looking up from her book, Sarah responded, "Yeah. Why?" "It's all whipped cream." John shut the door. He turned to Aisha, the only other occupant in the room. "We need to talk." "What about?" Taking a hushed tone, he said, "Who we're going to vote out of the house." Speaking in whispers, she said, "I've got an idea for that." "Yeah, I think we should - " "WHAT'CHA TALKING ABOUT!" cried Pinkie Pie as she popped out of the couch cushions. Looking into the camera, Julie Chen said, "And in a unanimous vote, our first evicted houseguest is -" An uncomfortably long silence. "Pinkie Pie!" TV STATIC Lie DetectorThe district attorney paced back and forth as she continued the questioning. "So, Filthy Rich, you maintain that you did not murder Spoiled Rich?" "Yes, that is correct," responded Filthy. "Even though you knew what a terrible pony she was?" "I did not kill my wife. I'd undergo a lie detector test to prove my innocence." The district attorney smiled. "That can be arranged." The Next Day... A shackled Filthy was escorted down a hallway. "Go inside," commanded the guard. Filthy entered the room to find a single pony sitting at a table, and nothing else. "Where's the lie detecting equipment?" he asked. "I am the lie detector," responded the mare. The Next Day... The district attorney questioned the witness. "So, did you determine his innocence?" "He's guilty," said Applejack. TV STATIC NopeBig Mac passed into the kitchen. On this particular evening, he lacked his trademark horse collar. His mane had been carefully combed and the scent of Juniper Phoenix lingered in the air. "My Big Mac, you look good for your date with Sugar Belle," noted Applejack. "Can you tell me what movie you're going tah see?" "Nope." "You aren't goin' to tell me what movie you're going to see, then?" "Nope." "You are goin' to tell me what movie you're goin' tah see?" "Nope." "So, you aren't goin' tah tell me?" Big Mac sighed. "There you are," said Sugar Belle. "I was starting to get worried. Did you tell Applejack what movie we're going to see?" "Nope." "'Nope' as in you didn't tell her? Or 'Nope' as in the title of the movie?" "Eeyup." She glared at him. "You know what? We're not doing this. Let's get some popcorn before the trailers come on." TV STATIC Author's Note I actually planned on writing this, and working on my other story, for a while. However, an accident in the kitchen made it painful and difficult to write for the last few weeks. Dreadnought Lesson Zero I, the author, have interrupted this episode out of protest. I make and use checklists on a daily basis. Furthermore, including the creation of the checklist ensures that it is critical step is completed. How dare the writers poke fun at that! How dare they insult us! Checklistmakers of the world unite! Now back to the regularly scheduled episode. Author's Note If you're in Seattle, come down to Everfree Northwest! 2023CNN: House adjourns after chaotic day without electing a speaker as McCarthy fails to lock down votes Fox News: McCarthy falls short in second House speaker vote as 19 Republican defectors back Jordan BBC: US House in chaos after Kevin McCarthy loses speaker votes Discord smiled mischievously, "Happy new year!" Speaker of the HouseThe Congressman stood up to address the assembled House. "We have gathered together to choose a new Speaker. We must choose someone who will do what's right for the American people. We must choose someone who can work across party lines, someone who can bring harmony. That's why I'm nominating Princess Twilight Sparkle for this important position." Princess Twilight Sparkle had never failed in her attempts to spread friendship and harmony wherever she went.... That is until she came to Washington, DC. TV STATIC Royal CoronationCelestia sat at the table, examining the documents spread out before her. The door creaked open and Luna trotted in. "Sister, what are you doing?" Looking up, she explained, "I'm brushing up on my knowledge of the United Kingdom." Rummaging in the kitchen, her sister asked without looking up, "Why?" "I will be representing Equestria at the coronation of King Charles the Third." Filling a teapot with water, Luna pressed, "You volunteered?" Celestia nodded, "It is a great honor to represent one's nation. Princess Twilight wanted a high-level dignitary present." "I'm sure that's the reason," noted Luna as she filled a teapot. "I want to ensure that Equestria puts its best hoof forward to earth," assured Celestia. "So, you will attend the coronation?" "Yes." "And the parade?" "Of course." "And the concert?" "It is part of the celebration." "And the banquet?" "It would be rude of me to not attend." "I hear that they have a bust of the king made of chocolate." "Oh, yes. A life sized bust made of 50 pounds of the best chocolate in ..." Celestia trailed off. Luna gave a knowing smile. "I thought so." Author's Note: I didn't believe it myself until I saw it in the news. Check it out here. Princess Celestia examined the strange building, before trotting inside for a closer inspection. The long aisle was flanked on either side by a series of low doors. She wandered up to one, intending to peer inside, when a head poked out over the door. "Oh, excuse me," said Princess Celestia. The horse merely looked curious. "Is this where you live?" she asked. The horse leaned further over the door to examine the strange talking horse. "You the strong silent type, I see," quipped the princess. From behind came a loud voice, "They should have been saddled hours ago. We're behind schedule! We've got to rush if we want to make sure the King has an escort to Westminster Abbey!" Before she could turn around she felt a heavy item land on her back and something buckling under her barrel. "Excuse me, I believe you have the wrong horse," she said to the startled men. Prince Harry sighed as his car pulled up to Westminster Abbey. Outside stood dozens of paparazzi. He really hated all this attention. He wanted to live a quiet, private life. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Reaching for the door handle, he grimaced until he noted all the photographers running down the sidewalk to a mass of people. "What's going on?" he wondered. "I suppose it has something to do with that horse over there?" said the driver as he pointed towards the white pony with wings and a horn getting out of a car. Celestia sat in Westminster Abbey awaiting the start of the coronation. By happenstance, she was seated next to the Ambassador of France. "So," she continued, "you're telling me that there is an opportunity to join the European Union?" "Oui. We've had an opening since 2020." Dressed in his finest armor, the Royal Guard stood at attention. Facing him, a member of the King's Guard stood at attention. The Royal Guard stared straight at the human. The King's Guard stared straight at the pony. Unflinching, the Royal Guard stood like a statue. Unflinching, the King's Guard stood like a statue. Despite the antics of the tourists, the Royal Guard continued to stare down his counterpart. Despite the antics of the tourists, the King's Guard continued to stare down his counterpart. The Royal Guard - You know what? I think you get the picture. Celestia looked up at the sky, the dreary gray of a May afternoon in the United Kingdom. "I should have invited Rainbow Dash to clear the skies and do a sonic rainboom," she muttered to herself. Author's Note I meant to publish this in a more timely fashion, but if you've read today's blog post, you'll understand why. Dreadnought Madam SpeakerAuthor's Note Well, I know it's been a while. I hate to sound like a broken record, but my time has been consumed with military training. Hopefully I'll be done by the end of the year. Until then, enjoy this chapter! Madam Speaker Princess Twilight Sparkle, sovereign of all Equestria, sat on her throne, patiently watching the doors to the throne room. Slowly, smoke seeped through the seams around the doors. The Royal Guards readied their weapons and took defensive stances to guard their princess. Twilight just sighed and waited. Suddenly, flashing lights and lasers started pulsing. Boom! BOOM! BOOM!!! came the beat. The doors burst open and in walked the expected nuisance, the Lord of Chaos himself. Waving to nonexistent crowds, he strutted down the hall to a pulsing pop tune. "Princess Twilight, so good to see you!" "Discord," she responded curtly. The guards sheathed their weapons but remained tense and watchful. The music faded as Discord said, "I came as soon as I received your telegram. Though really, it was quite disappointing. The least you could have done was make it a singing telegram." "I'll consider it in the future," she responded dryly. "So, what do I owe this unexpected summons?" he asked, leaning forward upon a podium that hadn't been there before. "Sunset Shimmer has sent me some interesting news from the human world." "Oh, do tell." "It seems as though, for the first time in their history, the United States of America is without a Speaker. Without one, their government cannot function. It seems that their legislature is thrown into chaos." "Sounds fascinating," responded Discord with a devilish smile. "I want to ask you - " "Yes?" he drawled. Twilight sighed, "Are you responsible for this?" "Moi!" Discord drew a shocked breath. "You're accusing me? You think the Lord of Chaos would seek to spread chaos to... Oh, I see your point." "Well?" "As much as it may disappoint you, I am not behind this." "And you aren't going to take advantage of this? Cause chaos in the Capitol? Perhaps try to become the new Speaker?" Discord thought, "Hmm... I could become Speaker. There is no requirement that the Speaker be a member of the House. Come to think of it, the Speaker doesn't have to be a citizen, much less human." "Really? Anypony could be Speaker?" she asked, intrigued. "Yes, it's a little loophole in their Constitution." Standing upright and turning to leave, he said offhandedly, "Besides, I wouldn't really want the job." He took a step and Twilight asked, "Why?" Discord stopped mid-step, seemingly caught off guard by the question. "Well, I wouldn't mind making some chaotic laws. Like everyone wear only their left shoe, walk backwards down the sidewalks, or speak Klingon on Tuesdays and Fridays. But I cannot just issue edits. The House would have to pass such laws by a majority. And being Speaker means I'd have to follow a lot of rules." "Rules?" Twilight prodded, leaning forward a bit. "Yes, rules and parliamentary procedure and all that. And the biggest challenge is building a consensus among a diverse group of people from all across the country. Most of whom can't get along." "Their not friends?" Twilight asked, leaning even more forward. "No, I'd say not. Friendship is certainly lacking in the House. I bet - " He stopped when he noticed Twilight had a wide, somewhat scary smile on her face. The group of CHS students huddled around Rarity as she sat at the cafeteria table reading the newspaper. Sunset Shimmer came up to them, "What's going on?" "Would you care to explain this?" asked Rarity curtly. "What?" asked Sunset Shimmer as she set her bag aside. Rarity slid the newspaper across the cafeteria's table. Sunset picked it up and scanned the headline. "Princess Twilight Sparkle is running for Speaker of the House!?" TV STATIC Semper Fi"Welcome everyone, welcome," greeted the uniformed man. "I am Gunnery Sergeant Puller, and welcome to the National Museum of the United States Marine Corps!" The students of CHS all looked about the grand entry hall, seeing warplanes suspended from the ceiling and vehicles gracing the floor. "Look at all these historic artifacts!" squealed Twilight. Placing a hand on her friend's shoulder, Rainbow Dash said, "Normally I don't get excited for history, but this place is pretty awesome!" "Ooh, look at those dashing uniforms!" said Rarity. "It's going to be so much fun!" cried Pinkie Pie as she tossed some camouflage-colored confetti into the air. Looking around, Applejack asked, "Say, has anyone seen Sunset Shimmer?" Outside... Sunset Shimmer stood before an equestrian statue. She knelt down and respectfully placed an apple before it. Standing up, she stood tall and snapped a salute. "Thank you Sergeant Reckless for showing what we can do!" TV STATIC Author's Note For any Marines out there reading this, Semper Fi! Veterans DayThe sun hung heavy in the west, just above the rolling hills. Birds and other animals began settling in for the night. At the Silver Shoals Retirement Community, things were winding down as well. The front door swung open and a middle-aged nurse emerged from the main building. She was pushing a wheelchair with an elderly earth pony stallion. The two continued down the sidewalk until they reached a vista overlooking the quiet lake. "How are you?" she asked. "I'm fine," he assured her. The two remained there in silence. He looked at his watched. He sat up straight, and brought his right hoof up to just above his eye. Ka-Boom!!! He brought his hoof down in a sharp salute, then slumped back in his wheelchair. He smiled. "It brings back fond memories of my time in the Royal Marines. I'm happy that Celestia and Luna brought the tradition of the evening gun with them." Meanwhile... Luna scowled. "Sister, must you fire that thing off every night?" Swallowing, Celestia replied, "Why not?" "Surely once a week is enough," retorted Luna. Swallowing again, her sister countered, "It saves me from baking everyday or having to go to the bakery." She stuffed her face. Trotting away, Luna grumbled, "I don't care if it was a retirement gift. That Easy Bake Confetti Cake Cannon is going back to Pinkie Pie!" TV STATIC Author's Note To all the veterans out there, happy Veterans Day! Thank you for your service! For more holiday fun, check out The Labors of Applejack. Battlestar PegasusThe sirens blared as Commander Adama entered the CIC followed by the President. "SITREP!" he ordered. Colonel Tigh answered, "Bogey jumped into dradis range. From the size of it, it's probably a Cylon base ship on the way to intercept." "Alert the fleet to prepare for an emergency jump." A broadcast came over the radio: "Galactica, Apollo, I'm on a course to the basestar." Colonel Tigh added, "Alert fighters have launched and taken a position to defend the fleet." "How long until we jump?" asked the President. "Another two minutes," responded the Colonel. "Sir," interjected a lieutenant, "I'm getting Colonial transponders." "Colonial?" asked the confused President. "Weapons hold, and hold the jump," ordered Commander Adama. He turned to the lieutenant, "Send a hostile challenge and ID." The lieutenant went out over the radio, "Attention unknown vessel, identify yourself or prepare to be fired upon." The radio squawked, "This is the Battlestar Pegasus to the Battlestar Galactica." The lieutenant looked up, "Sir, I'm receiving Colonial authentication codes. They're authentic." Commander Adama went out over the radio, "Is that you, Admiral Dash?" "Adama, good to hear your voice." On the other ship... Admiral Dash stood with a wide grin on her face. Behind her Captain Spitfire and Colonel Soarin hoofbumped, Lieutenants Sky Stinger and Vapor Trail hugged, and Ensign Derpy threw her hooves into the air and cheered. TV STATIC Author's Note I was a pretty big BSG fan back in the day. New Year 2024Knock! Knock! After a brief moment, the door opened to reveal Shining Armor. "Sunset Shimmer, good to see you." Sunset smiled, "Hello Shining. How's college?" "It's challenging, but if you work hard, it's manageable." "Good to hear." Shining smiled knowingly, "But you didn't come here to hear about my time at West Point, now did you?" Sunset chuckled, "No, I'm here to see Twilight." Shining turned and called up the stairs, "Twiley, you've got company!" Turning back to Sunset, he said, "Come on in." "Thank you," she said as she stepped inside. Footsteps reverberated down the stairs and Twilight Sparkle appeared. "Sunset." Shining walked over and took a position on the couch in the living room. "Twilight," greeted Sunset before holding out a piece of paper. "What's this? An invitation?" "Yes," confirmed Sunset. "You could have just texted me, you know," responded Twilight. "I did that to Pinkie, and she insisted that in-person invitations are better." Opening the invitation, Twilight said, "A party?" "Yeah, I'm having a New Year Eve's party." In the background, Shining jumped up and began furiously waving his arms. Noticing where her friend was looking, Twilight turned around to look at her brother and Shining played it off as stretching his arms. She turned back to Sunset. "I'll be there," she said. The New Year's party was rocking. Everyone had brought food, with Pinkie bringing a round of desserts and Applejack breaking out bottles of cider, much to Rainbow Dash's delight. Video games were available, with Rainbow Dash and Applejack once again competing. All around, it was good fun. A few minutes before midnight, the girls gathered around the television for the broadcast from Times Square. Soon the hour was at hand. The ball started its descent. "One minute to go!" cheered Pinkie Pie. The ball continued to drop. "Thirty seconds, y'all!" announced Applejack. Everyone counted down, "Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five.. four... three... two... one. Happy New Year!" Everyone wished each other a happy new year. "Happy New Year, Twilight," said Sunset Shimmer. "Happy New Year, Sunset. However, the start of the new year is rather arbitrary." "Uh oh," said Applejack. "Here we go," added Rainbow Dash. Twilight adjusted her glasses, "There's really no special reason for January 1st to be the start of the new year. It's neither the solstice nor equinox. It's not like the Chinese New Year and based on lunar movements. It's not even the aphelion or perihelion of our planet's orbit. It's truly arbitrary." She concluded, "Really, any day could be made the start of our calendar." Silence reigned for a moment until Rainbow Dash dryly noted, "Geesh Twilight, you're fun at parties." TV STATIC Author's Note Have a Happy New Year's Eve! See you next year! Dreadnought LVIIIDing! Dong! The door swung open to reveal a beautiful pink-haired girl. "Hello, everyone," said Fluttershy. "HELLO!" cried a bouncing Pinkie Pie. "Hi," said Sunset Shimmer. Everybody else greeted their friend. "Come in," said Fluttershy. "You all can go into the living room. I've got to go feed Angel Bunny." She headed back towards her room. "Cain't wait to start the game," said Applejack. "Oh, yeah, Superbowl LVIII !" declared Rainbow Dash. "What's LVIII?" asked Pinkie. "What?" prompted Rainbow. "The text reads L-V-I-I-I." "What?" repeated Rainbow Dash. "The Chiefs are goin' win," declared Applejack. "No way! The 'Niners have that west coast offense. And they have the better record," argued Rainbow Dash. "Well, the Chiefs have Mahomes." "I can't wait to see Taylor Swift," announced Sunset Shimmer. "I know. This will be the best Superbowl since 1989!" cried Pinkie Pie. Sunset laughed, "Pinkie, you get me. That just goes to show You Belong With Me!" Both girls giggled at their inside jokes. "Well, I can't wait to see her fashions," said Rarity. "Statistically, it should be a good game," announced Twilight. Fluttershy came into the room. "Angel's taking a nap. But it's time for the game." She walked over and turned on the television. "What's this!" cried Rainbow Dash. "Oh, it's Puppybowl XX," replied Fluttershy. "Puppybowl!" cried several girls while Sunset had a confused look on her face. "You invited us over for the Superbowl," said Applejack. Fluttershy shook her head. "No, I said you could come over and watch the bowl game. I never said anything about the Superbowl." TV STATIC Author's Note The TaylorBowl is currently on. Check it out! Dreadnought Happy Birthday!♪Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear Applejack Happy Birthday to you! ♫ Applejack leaned forward and blew out her candles. Everybody clapped there hands in celebration. "Happy birthday, Applejack," said Granny Smith. "Happy birthday to the best big sister ever!" cheered Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," added Big Mac. "Aw, shucks," said a bashful Applejack. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Applejack leapt out her chair. "What in tarnation!" Wheee! Pinkie blew a noisemaker and threw a handful of colorful confetti into the air. "Pinkie Pie! What are y'all doin' here!" demanded Applejack. She eyed Applejack. "My birthday sense was going off," she explained nonchalantly. Apple Bloom leaned over to Big Mac and whispered, "She has a birthday sense?" "Well, thanks for coming to my fourth birthday," said Applejack. "What!" cried Pinkie. She reached into her hair and drew out a bundle of papers. "Something's not right," she mused. Running her finger down the list, she proclaimed, "Ah ha! You celebrate your birthday on the 1st of March." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And the 1st of March isn't until tomorrow." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And you were born sixteen years ago." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And I know these are facts, because I made my list and checked it twice." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "So tomorrow you should be celebrating your sixteenth birthday tomorrow," concluded Pinkie. "Enope." "What?" "This here is my fourth birthday." "What?" "I was born on February 29th. It only comes round every four years." The sound of grinding gears could be heard and Pinkie's eyes glazed over. Applejack waved her hand in front of Pinkie's face. "Ah think you broke her," observed Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," confirmed Big Mac. Pinkie seemed to snap out of it. "Here you go!" she handed a wrapped gift over to Applejack. "Oh thanks," said Applejack as she opened the package. "Uh... a keychain?" Pinkie shrugged. "I hadn't bought your gift yet. This is from my emergency birthday present stash." TV STATIC Author's Note Happy February 29th! Dreadnought May the Fourth“Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!” cackled Nightmare Moon. She shot a beam of magic, destroying a carved statue and wrecking the ceiling of the throne room. Princess Celestia stepped forward into the devastation to face her sister. She took to the air, immediately having to dodge a blast from Nightmare Moon. “Luna, I will not fight you! You must lower the moon! It is your duty!” ordered Princess Celestia. “Luna? I am... Nightmare Moon!” she retorted. “I have but one royal duty now: to destroy you!” She shot another blast of magic at her sister. Princess Celestia avoided the discharge and flew up through the hole in the ceiling. “And where do you think you're going?” taunted Nightmare Moon before taking flight after her sister. Chasing her sister, Nightmare Moon shot blast after blast. Princess Celestia circled around the castle then dove down under an aqueduct. Each shot missed, hitting the castle instead and exploding pieces of stone everywhere. Celestia climbed higher and at last Nightmare Moon had a clean shot. It hit Princess Celestia squarely in the chest, causing her to plummet back into the throne room. Nightmare Moon laughed in delight at her victory over the Princess of the Sun. A seemingly lifeless body lay on the floor. At last Princess Celestia slowly rose to her hooves. With a breaking heart, she declared, “Oh, dear sister. I am sorry, but you have given me no choice but to use these.” The floor rumbled and parted. A large stone plinth rose up, revealing the Elements of Harmony. Using her magic, Princess Celestia floated the Elements to her. They circled her faster and faster until they became blurring rings. With renewed determination, she flew back up through the hole in the ceiling to face her sister. Nightmare Moon summoned dark magic. With tears in her eyes, Princess Celestia summoned the power of the Elements. A blast of dark magic shot towards Princess Celestia. A blast of harmony shot towards Nightmare Moon. The two blasts met in a blinding flash. The harmony pushed back the dark magic, enveloping the dark alicorn. “Nooooooo!” cried Nightmare Moon as she was carried off to space. Celestia gazed skywards, tears streaming down her cheeks. Princess Celestia wearily trudged through Canterlot, too tired to fly. Subjects poured into the streets to greet their sovereign. “Princess Celestia, what’s going on?” “Princess Celestia, why did the moon not lower?” “Princess Celestia, what was that blast of magic?” Stopping, she addressed her subjects. “Hear me. Princess Luna has fallen to dark magic. She refused to lower the moon and attempted to bring eternal night.” Murmurs swept through the assembled crowd as she continued. “Fear not, I used the Elements of Harmony to banish her to the moon!” A white wing pointed skyward. “Uh, your highness?” began a subject. “Yes?” “That’s no moon.” Nightmare Moon stood in fire control. “Target Canterlot. Single reactor only.” Addressing to Governor Tarkin, she said, “Now we will witness the power of this battle station.” Turning back to the operator, she proclaimed “Fire!” Each of the giant turbolasers fired to a central point, before combining into one massive beam. The beam shot towards the planet below. The beam impacted with overwhelming force, blowing Canterlot off the mountain. TVSTATIC Author's Note May the Fourth be with you! Birthday Party!Sugarcube Corner was looking particularly festive on this day. As well it should be. For it's not everyday this Ponyville establishment hosts royalty. "Hmm, let's see," mused Twilight as she scanned the checklist. "Rarity, how's the decorations coming?" "Faboulous, darling. It puts the decorations at the Grand Galloping Gala to shame." "Good. Rainbow Dash?" "I'll get to it shortly." "Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia will be here in ten minutes! The sky should be cleared before her arrival." "Don't worry, I can take care of it in ten seconds flat!" Twilight sighed and looked to Spike, who merely shrugged. Turning to the next thing on the list, she asked, "Applejack?" "Ah've got the Sweet Apple Acres Premium EditionTM cider." "Great." "Cider!" cried Rainbow Dash. "No cider for you sugarcube until you clear the clouds." Rainbow dashed out of the building to clear the sky. "Good thinking, Applejack." "Eeyup." "Now, we just need the cake - " "Did somepony ask for cake?" came a voice from the kitchen. A moment later the door swung open and a massive cake was wheeled into the storefront. "Whoa, that's a big cake!" cried Rainbow Dash as she reemerged into Sugarcube Corner. Twilight sighed, "Pinkie, you know that the rumors of Princess Celestia being obsessed with cake are just those - rumors?" Pinkie Pie bounced over and booped Twilight on the nose. "That's not the reason the cake is so big." "Why then?" asked Twilight. "For all the candles, silly." "Ah don't see no candles," observed Applejack. A pink blur swirled around the cake until there were hundreds of candles adorning the frosting. "Ta da!" "That'll take a long time to light," noted Spike. Pinkie grabbed Spike and aimed him at the cake, squeezed his tail, and a moment later was shooting fire like a flamethrower at the cake. As he was set back on the ground, a disoriented Spike said, "Objection withdrawn." TV STATIC Author's Note It's my birthday, so here's a present for you. Also go check out my new story, Far From the Tree. V/R, Dreadnought Rainbow Roadtrip Deleted SceneThe Elements of Harmony joined in the singing with the residents of Hope Hollow: ♪There's a rainbow in you ♫Now we're living in color Yeah, we're living in color Now we're living in color Yeah, we're living in color ♫We're all living in color (living in color) We're all living in color We're all living in color (living in color) Yeah, we're living in color ♪We're all living in... color! Up on the hill, overlooking the town, a solitary zebra frowned as she remarked: "I do not think that is quite right. There's nothing wrong with black and white." TV STATIC Author's Note Rainbow Roadtrip is on today. Happy Fourth of July! Dreadnought New Year 2025Discord, once again wearing a smoking jacket, sat in a plush armchair. "Well, well, well. Here we are again. First, I'd like to talk to you about something. None of you got me a Hearth's Warming gift. Nor a Christmas gift. Not even a Hanukkah gift." Pausing for effect, he stroked his scraggly beard in thought. "Although, truth be told, Hearth's Warming came early for me. November 5th to be exact. With Trump returning to office, with Elon Musk by his side, you've given me so much chaos to look forward to!" He wiped away tears of joy. "Thank you all so very much. Happy New Year and live from Equestria it's Wednesday night!" TV STATIC Author's Note Love him or hate him, Former President/President-Elect Trump does like to shake things up. We'll see what the next 4 years bring. Everyone have a safe, healthy, and memorable 2025. Happy New Year! Dreadnought A Bad Time for a SongWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! A solitary crack appeared in the Crystal Heart. The crack multiplied and radiated throughout the ancient relic. Then it shattered into a hundred pieces! Everypony gasped and stared in shock at the remains. Applejack walked over to the shards littering the floor. "Ah'm guessing that's gonna make it hard to do the Crystalling." Pulling aside the curtain and glancing outside, Twilight explained, "It's worse than that. Without the heart, the Crystal Empire is about to be buried under a mountain of ice and snow!" Rarity wailed, "So... not only can we not take part in a fabulous ancient ceremony, but we're also about to be frozen solid!" Twilight Sparkle continued, "Without the Crystal Heart's magical protection, the entire city's about to become a winter wasteland!" All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie began bouncing around: "♫ Winter Wasteland! Winter Wasteland! All of us are going to die! Winter Wasteland! Winter Wasteland! That's enough to make you cry! 'Cause we're all going to die! ♪" TV STATIC Author's Note It's "snowmageddon" here in the United States! Pep RallyThe crowds cheered as the marching band made its way out of the auditorium. In the stands, Rarity leaned over to Twilight. "So, what do you think of you're very first pep rally?" "C-H-S certainly has a lot of spirit," responded her bespectacled friend. Princess Celestia walked to the microphone. "Thank you for the inspiring music." Looking down at her notes, she continued, "Now, for a special announcement, we welcome Derpy - I mean Muffins." Said teenager stepped up to the microphone. "Hey everybody! We're going to win tomorrow! I want everyone to cheer our team. Say it with me: W-U-N-D-R-C-O-L-T-S!" Twilight, with a look of confusion, exclaimed, "She does know that she misspelled Wondercolts, right?" "Eh," Rainbow Dash shrugged, "she's probably just trying out to be Mayor of Philadelphia." TV STATIC Author's Note Oh yes! I went definitely went there! V/R, Super Bowl LIX"Alright! Who's ready for Super Bowl Fifty-Nine?" asked Rainbow Dash as she carried the boxes of pizza into the living room. "E'yup," confirmed Applejack. Pinkie Pie threw confetti and blew a noisemaker. Fluttershy may have said, "Yay!" "Ready, darling," replied Rarity. "You're into football?" asked a surprised Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. "I'm most interested in seeing Taylor Swift, darling. Oh, I do so adore her fashions." "Yeah, I love Taylor," added Sunset Shimmer. "Her tunes sure are pretty catchy," said Applejack as she opened a bottle of fizzy apple cider. "Her concert was super fun!" said Pinkie Pie. "And she's super nice," noted Fluttershy. "But, aren't you tired of Taylor Swift by this point?" pressed Twilight. The six girls gave horrified stares in return. Shining Armor and Twilight Velvet looked up from the television blaring the Super Bowl to see Twilight Sparkle come through the door. "Twiley, I thought you'd be watching the game with your friends," he said. She sighed, "I was kicked out of the party." TV STATIC Author's Note Go Eagles! Pinkie and the Chocolate Factory Part 1Pinkie Pie bounced merrily around the Canterlot Chocolate Shop. She grabbed candy bars, bags of malted milk balls, chocolate cookies, and all sorts of things chocolate-covered: cherries, strawberries, peanuts, almonds, cashews, raisons, etc. Making her way to the cash register, she laid a large pile of bits on the counter. Taking her bag of goodies, she bounded out of the door. Too eager to start pigging out, she took out a candy bar and shoved it whole in her mouth. Chewing the chocolaty goodness, she heard a commotion. She walked over to a large crowd. "Can you believe it?" asked a unicorn. "No," replied the pegasus. Swallowing, Pinkie asked, "What's going on?" "Crazy Candy is opening up his chocolate factory for tours. He's hidden six golden tickets in among his candy bars." "Really?" asked Pinkie. "Yes." The unicorn paused. "You have something in your teeth." Pinkie Pie reached up and pulled forth a piece of golden foil. "It's the golden ticket!" he exclaimed. "Only part of it," clarified the pegasus. "She'll have to wait until the next bowel movement to reclaim the whole ticket." TV Static CancellationHasbro board meeting: The CEO leaned over the table and glared at the board. "It's time to end My Little Pony, but the fans will hate us for it and it will hurt the bottom line. Options?" Silence. Finally, someone spoke up, "I have an idea." *** "Coming this fall on Fox: My Little Pony!" TV Static Author's Note Too many good shows aired on Fox, only to meet untimely cancellations. Dreadnought Things Not To Say To RarityThings no one should ever say to Rarity: "DRAMA QUEEN!!!" "Stripes and polka dots are in this year." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Prince Blueblood." "You looked much better in droopy drawers and a straw hat." "So, what would you say you did in The Movie?" "Sweetie Belle hates you." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Discord." "Look at my new dress from Suri Polomare. Isn't she the greatest designer ever!!!" "If you're so into fashion, how come you always walk around naked?" "I thought 'petty' was what you're all about, Rarity. With your 'petty' concerns about fashion. " "Are you ever going to level with Spike?" "You look fat." "That dress makes you look fat." Robot PonyAny actual names or likenesses of celebrities are used in a fictitious and parodic manner. Scootaloo lay dead on the side of the road. Twilight walked by, adjusted her glasses, then an evil grin spread across her face. She grabbed the corpse and headed towards her castle.... Twilight leaned over the table, grabbing drills and wrenches as she hurried through her work. She stood back and admired her work. A cyborg Scootaloo turned her head and flicked on her laser. Robot Pony It's Alive! Twilight strapped down Scootaloo, and clamped the girl's eyes open. Twilight stood back and turned on a multitude of televisions. Created by Seth Green Mathew Senreich Lauren Faust Dreadnought TV STATIC Author's Note New season of Robot Chicken starts tonight! Obviously a parody of the RC opening title sequence. I did come across the below video when searching YouTube. Enjoy: Dreadnought Wheel of FortunePat Sajak said to Pinkie Pie, "If you would draw a card." Pinkie Pie happily bounced over to and pulled forth an unopened card, passing it to Pat. They turned to the board: He, as he did every weekday, said, "R-S-T-L-N-E." The squares lit up and Vanna White touched each, revealing the letters: R - E N - S - - - - S - - - - - "Pinkie, we need three letters and a vowel." Pinkie thought about what letters she wanted. "M. G. F. I." Again the squares lit up and Vanna revealed additional letters: F R I E N - S - I - I S M - G I - Pat announced, "The category is 'Saying.' You have ten seconds." 10... Well it was obvious the second word was "Is." 9... But what could the other words be? 8... Pinkie thought about what it could be. 7... And thought. 6... Friendly... 5... No, that won't work! 4... Could the third word be "Mighty"? 3... No! That won't work! 2... She was running out of time. 1... Quick! Say something! "Fiendship is magic!" A look of surprise flashed across Pat's and Vanna's faces. At home, Twilight facehoofed while Applejack groaned and Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry," said Pat. Vanna revealed the final letters: F R I E N D S H I P I S M A G I C Opening the envelope, he said, "You would have won a lifetime supply of candy." Pinkie fell to her knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" TV Static Author's Note I suck at Wheel of Fortune. I've literally been unable to get a round when all but two letters were showing. The BattleThe princesses gathered around the map, examining their options. Tomorrow they would battle the Dark Lord in the decisive battle. The fate of all of Equestria hung in the balance. Whether Equestria continued to be a land of friendship and harmony or slip into the black night would be decided upon the fields of tomorrow. Celestia finally spoke. "It is not good. We are outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outplanned. Tomorrow will be our last stand." "There must be something we can do sister?" asked Luna. "I don't believe there is anything that will turn the tide," replied Celestia. "Even if I could spare the troops, they wouldn't arrive for several days," noted Cadence. Finally, after not wanting to admit the inevitable, Celestia said with a heavy sigh, "Equestria is lost. The best thing we can hope for is a strong rear-guard action. They will be cut to pieces, but will allow our forces to flee to Griffonstone and Saddle Arabia. They can join those armies and keep the rest of the world safe... for a while." Thinking long and hard, Twilight suddenly got an idea. "I have a plan." *** The Dark Lord examined his forces, arrayed in battle formation ready to defeat - no slaughter - those of Celestia. His archers stood poised with iron-tipped arrows. His infantry formed into thick columns, razor-sharp swords ready to cut down the Equestrian Army. The lancers were anxious for battle. So too were the fusiliers, grenadiers, dragoons, pike ponies, knights, and mercenaries at his disposal. Rivers of blood would run across the fields. The hour of carnage was at hoof. Slowly columns marched over the horizon and moved into formations to accept battle. The ragged, decimated army stood no chance of victory. Still they would fight. The Dark Lord planned to give them a quick death. The ground began to tremble and a rumble came from over the horizon. Suddenly pink soldiers came over the hillside. First there were dozens, then hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands, all shouting "Fun! Fun! Fun!" The Dark Lord's heart was filled with dread and the forces of Equestria charged at him.... TV Static Tea Time!Discord and Fluttershy laughed uncontrollably. They were having such a good time together. He couldn't believe that he tried to be completely normal for his tea party. So normal, in fact, he almost faded out of existence. But Fluttershy had saved him, for a second time in his life, and now everything was going splendidly. "I'd like to try some of your singing, ginseng tea," said Fluttershy. "Of course!" Discord poured a cup of steaming water. He grabbed a floating tea bag and dropped it into the cup. The tea bag let out agonizing screams as it writhed in pain. The other bags fled in terror. Fluttershy covered her mouth. "Oh my!" she squeaked. TV Static European EditRarity sat down before her sewing machine. She had a lot to do to make six dresses in time for the Grand Galloping Gala. She began to sing: Thread by thread, stitching it together Twilight's dress, cutting out the pattern snip by snip Making sure the fabric folds nicely It's the perfect color and so hip Always gotta keep in mind my pacing Making sure the clothes' correctly facing I'm stitching Twilight's dress Yard 0.9144 meters by yard 0.9144 meters, fussing on the details Jewel neckline, don't you know a stitch in time saves nine? Make her something perfect to inspire Even though she hates formal attire Gotta mind those intimate details Even though she's more concerned with sales It's Applejack's new dress Dressmaking's easy, for Pinkie Pie something pink Fluttershy something breezy Blend color and form, Do you think it looks cheesy? Something brash, perhaps quite fetching Hook and eye, couldn't you just simply die? Making sure it fits forelock and crest Don't forget some magic in the dress Even though it rides high on the flank Rainbow won't look like a tank I'm stitching Rainbow's dress Piece by piece, snip by snip Croup, dock, haunch, shoulders, hip Thread by thread, primmed and pressed Yard 0.9144 meters by yard 0.9144 meters , never stressed And that's the art of the dress! Author's Note I hate the metric system! Dreadnought Look Before You Sleep (Or Wake Up) - (Gore)Look Before You Sleep (Or Wake Up) - (Gore) Rarity turned to Applejack, "Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed." The earth pony retorted, "My hooves ain't muddy." "They were. There might still be a little on them." "There ain't. See?" Applejack stuck her hooves in Rarity's face. "Eww!" cried Rarity. She rolled over and took the blanket for herself. "Now who's bein' inconsiderate?" demanded Applejack, yanking the blanket back. Rarity climbed onto the floor. "I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up!" She shoved Applejack off the bed. "Hey!" Rarity remade the bed, tucking in and smoothing the sheets. Just as her friend was about to climb in, Rarity stopped her. "Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this." The unicorn carefully slid between the sheets. Taken aback, Applejack said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Geronimo!" she yelled as she leapt onto the bed and took the blanket. "Hey! " Applejack let out a satisfied sigh. "You did that on purpose!" "Um, yeah? " "Get up so I can fix it again," demanded Rarity. "Can't hear ya, I'm asleep." Rarity yanked the blanket back. "I ain't budgin'," declared Applejack. "You will if you want any blankets." The two began a tug of war over the blanket. "Enough!" yelled Twilight. "I'm going to use a sleeping spell so I can get a descent night's rest." Lighting her horn, she became enveloped in an aura, before letting out a loud yawn and blissfully falling to sleep. ~~~ Twilight felt the warmth of the sun on her face and sat upright in bed, stretching her forelegs out. She really didn't like using sleeping spells, but she couldn't argue with the results. What a great night's sleep! She felt so refreshed and energetic. She looked over to the spare bed, to find it empty. Did her two friends go home? "Rarity? Applejack?" Rarity rose above the edge of the bed, a twisted smile on her face. "Good morning Twilight!" Somewhat startled, Twilight replied, "Good morning Rarity. Did you and Applejack get everything sorted out?" "Oh, yes, we ended our fight and everything's alright now. Isn't that right, Applejack?" A bloody, disembodied head levitated next to her, while Rarity mimed, "Oh sure. Ah was completely out of mah cottin-pickin mind last night, but Rarity was right all along." TV Static Wild Blue YonderRainbow Dash had been waiting all year for another weekend in Las Pegasus with Gold Horseshoe Gals. The five of them had such a great time last year, this year would be totally awesome! And there would be no creepy, disembodied ghost heads of Applejack haunting her. She was totally going to cut loose. If Granny Smith wanted nachos, then she'd get a plate of nachos all the way to the sky! If Goldie Delicious wanted to play horseshoes, they Rainbow Dash was determined the gang would set a new record. If Apple Rose wanted to cut up the dance floor, then they'd party all night. The five of them walked into the casino/hotel resort. Rainbow Dash's jaw hit the floor. There, through the atrium, stood the most amazing roller coaster ever - The Wild Blue YonderTM. But how? It closed last year! In a flash Rainbow Dash flew to management and busted down the door. "What the hay!" she yelled. Unicorn brothers sat behind their desk. "You're paying for that," said Flim. "What seems to be the problem?" asked Flam. "That!" said Rainbow Dash, pointing to the coaster in the lobby. "It was supposed to close last year." "You mean The Wild Blue YonderTM?" "Yes!" The two brothers chuckled. "It did close last year," said Flim. "Then what's that?" "That, my dear, is The Sky High ScreamerTM." "What?" "Exactly as my brother said, The Sky High ScreamerTM," said Flam. "But it's the same roller coaster!" "Now, now. The Wild Blue YonderTM featured white cars. These cars are red." "So?" "And my brother is forgetting to mention the new name." "So?" "And we can't forget the new waiting area. The lines are twice as long," snickered Flam. "I don't get it. It's the same roller coaster." "I admit that it may be nearly identical to the old one, but legally it's different." "Which is why we did so much business on The Wild Blue YonderTM's closing day and so much on The Sky High ScreamerTM's opening day," explained Flim. "And next year, when we bring back The Wild Blue YonderTM, we'll triple our ticket sales!" boasted Flim. "This was all a scam! I ought to report you!" "Yes, you could report us. But, as a private establishment, we have the right to refuse service to anypony. Even the Elements of Harmony." "So, you need to ask yourself something, Rainbow Dash," said Flam. "Are your morals more important than the greatest, fastest roller coaster in all of Equestria?" * "So how was Las Pegasus?" asked Applejack. Rainbow Dash smiled. "I rode The Wild Blue YonderTM - I mean - The Sky High ScreamerTM a hundred times!" The MatrixAuthor's Note For those who aren't familiar with it: Dreadnought The Matrix Morpheus leaned forward. "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue -" "Jelly bean!" A pink hoof swiped it and a moment later was in Pinkie Pie's mouth. Chewing, her smile turned to disgust. "Eww. This is even worse than my strawberry cinnamon cilantro -" She swayed from side to side before passing out. "She's not the One," remarked Trinity. "No, she is not," replied Morpheus. *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Well...," thought Twilight Sparkle. "So many choices. Should I take the red pill or the blue pill? Do you have any books on the Matrix? Or maps? Ooo, maybe I should consult Princess Celestia for advice. Or Starswirl the Bearded. Or Sunburst. Maybe he's familiar with it? And of course I'll need to take along some items, to document my observations. And -" "Take the damn blue pill." *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Awesome!" Rainbow Dash reached for the red pill. Nearly to her mouth, she paused. "Will I still be able to do a sonic rainboom?" "No." Rainbow Dash threw away the red pill and quickly swallowed the blue pill. *** Morpheus sat in his chair. "Where is she?" he demanded. Trinity explained, "Rarity took one look at this run-down building and refused to come in. She insisted we take her home immediately." *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Really?" asked Applejack. "Yes." "Well, Ah'm sorry. Mama taught me never to take pills or candy from strangers. So, if'n ya don't mind, Ah think Ah'll just show mahself out." *** "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Oh, um - " hesitated Fluttershy. "I don't know." "You must make a decision." "Well... I like rabbit holes. There's always something warm and cuddly at the end." She reached forward and swallowed the red pill." After a moment, she began to shriek with pain and disappeared. "Really, she is the One?" asked Trinity. "I know it," replied Morpheus. Storm King's ResurrectionFar in the south, past Klugetown, further than Black Skull Island, and beyond Mount Aris, lay a dark fortress. Guards patrolled the walls, their spears glistening in the lightning. High above, from the tallest tower flew the royal standard of the Storm King. Deep within the bowels, past the dungeon, further than the torture chamber, and beyond the bottomless pit, lay a secret chamber. "Come on, come on," said Gruber impatiently. "I hope he's done this time." Two storm guards rolled out the stone Storm King, held together with glue. "Hmm..." thought Gruber, examining the statue. "He looks complete to me. Put him on the table," he ordered. The guards placed him on a table and covered him with a sheet. High above, a metal rod extended from the roof and into the sky. Crack! Boom! Lightning hit the pole and flowed down to the table. After a moment, the form under the sheet began to move. "It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!!!" cried Gruber. The table titled up and the sheet fell away. The Storm King opened his eyes. He brought his hands up to his face, then an evil grin spread across his face. "I'm back!" He let out a maniacal laugh. HRR! HRR! He strained. "Why can't I walk!" he demanded. "Uh oh," said Gruber. The Storm King looked down. "You idiots! You put my legs on backwards!" "We'll fix this." "How?" he snarled. Gruber threw an orb at the Storm King. "NO!!!" cried the Storm King as he turned to stone. Gruber walked up to the statue and pushed it over, shattering it into a hundred pieces. "Okay, let's try this again," Gruber said. "And be sure to put his legs on right this time!" TV STATIC SnowboundThe warm fire crackled and spat, burning safely behind a fire screen. Around the living room, the family basked in its warm glow. Apple Bloom lay on the floor reading a thick book of potions loaned to her by Zecora. Granny Smith sat in her rocker, knitting yet more sweaters for the family. And Big Mac worked on a crossword puzzle. The only member of the family absent was Applejack. Ever since the pegasi accidentally dumped four feet of snow on Ponyville, the family had been snowbound in the old farmhouse. Applejack had decided that this was the perfect time to work on her long-planned novel and had locked herself in her room. The family had only seen her briefly over the three previous weeks. Creak, creak, creak! Applejack descended the stairs. "Nice to see you Applejack," said Granny Smith. "We haven't seen you in days." "Eeyup," added Big Mac. Applejack headed towards the door. Looking up from her book, Apple Bloom asked, "Where'ya goin'?" "Ah got to go to the toolshed to get... somethin'," she replied, opening the door and letting in a deathly blast of snowy, cold air before it slammed behind her. Big Mac rose from his chair. "Where are you goin'?" asked Granny Smith. "Ah want to see this novel she's been workin' on," he replied. "Applejack said she didn't want anypony readin' it until it was done," reminded Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," he said, unfazed. He climbed the steps and headed towards Applejack's room. Cautiously he opened the door to reveal a scene of utter chaos, save for a neat stack of papers upon her desk. Big Mac took a look at the top page: All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. "Oh shit!" TV Static Author's Note Happy Halloween! Yes, this is a parody of "The Shining." I had a number of ideas for Halloween-themed stories, but this is the only one I've had the time to write. I may still write a quick one and publish it this week. Dreadnought Jack in a BoxSherman, an oak tree, walked through the orchard. Spotting his friend, he approached the young apple tree. Good morning Bloomberg, he greeted. Good morning Sherman, he replied. It is a beautiful day, isn't it? Yes. By the way, the postmare accidentally left a package for you on our side of the orchard. Really? Who would send me a package? It's from Sweet Apple Acres. Sweet Apple Acres! That's my old home. Bloomberg opened the package to reveal a small box with a crank handle. He turned it and a simple tune played: POP!!! A pair of orange hooves shot forth, hitting Bloomberg squarely in the trunk. He reeled backwards, losing apples and leaves. Sherman looked at the box, and Applejack emerged. She smiled. "Now that's what I call an Applejack in the box!" TV STATIC Author's Note My 50th chapter! New Cutie Mark"Just look at it! Isn't it just the greatest!? I can't believe I finally got my cutie mark!" Apple Bloom practically bounced off the walls. "Yeah, it sure is somethin'," confirmed Applejack. She smiled at her younger sister's happiness. "Now Apple Bloom, y'all had fun at yer cute-ceañera, but it's time ya got cleaned up. You need to go take yer bath." "But Applejack - ," whined Apple Bloom. "No buts, you need to go take yer bath." "Alright," said Apple Bloom. She slowly headed upstairs and a moment later came the sound of running water from the bathroom. Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Kno- Applejack opened the front door. "Sweetie Belle! Scoot-" "Is Apple Bloom here!?" "Has she taken a bath!?" "What happened to your cutie-" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! came a scream from upstairs. The three raced up the stairs and to the bathroom. Apple Bloom stood dripping, her mouth wide with horror. Looking at her sister's blank flank, then to the blank flanks of the other members of the CMC, Applejack asked, "What in tarnation?" Sweetie Belle explained, "They wash off." "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" screamed Apple Bloom. TV Static Things not to say to Princess CelestiaThings no one should ever say to Princess Celestia: "Sunbutt!!!" "Princess of the Sun? More like Princess of Cake!" "You should go on a diet, because Damn! You're fat!" "How much do you weigh?" "Did I just hear you say, 'Let them eat cake'?" "Princess? You've been on the throne for a thousand years and you're still a princess!? You should have become Queen Celestia in that time!" "Starswirl is still waiting for your late homework from a thousand years ago!" "How come Twilight always has to save the day?" "So, what is it you say you do around here?" "You'll still never be as popular with the fandom as Twilight Sparkle." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Queen Chrysalis." "Did you even try to save your sister before banishing her to the moon?" "You're a great actress." "Equestria would be a better place if you abdicated and joined the theater." "It's time for Equestria to become a republic." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Discord." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Daybreaker." "How come all your guards are young, strapping stallions?" "You can move the sun but you can't stop Tempest Shadow?" "Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You must be getting up there in years. Have you ever thought about retiring?" "You like to send the mane six on missions to save the day all the time. Yet you've never sent them to Washington DC?" "Everything is planned by you, isn't it? You're manipulating everyone into what you want." "All hail Nightmare Moon!" "All hail Daybreaker!" TV STATIC Road to the Pilot♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ The time machine shuddered before becoming still. The door opened, spilling fog into the bedroom. "We're back!" proclaimed Brian. "Wait a moment, let me check," said Stewie. Pulling out a laptop, he scanned the screen. "There it is, 9-11. By ensuring September 11th happened, we prevented that terrible post-apocalyptic world." Brian shuddered. "There you are," said Lois. "Aren't you coming to watch the new episode?" "New episode?" questioned Brian. "My Little Pony. Don't be so modest mister creator and head writer." "Sure," responded a confused Brian. The two followed Lois downstairs. *** Brian entered the bedroom, followed by Stewie who shut the door. "Well, that went - " Wham! Brian fell to the floor after being hit by a pipe wielded by Stewie. "What was that for?" asked Brian. "You ruined it!" "Look, Stewie - " "Twinkle Sparkle! Twinkle Sparkle! It's Twilight Sparkle!!! Twilight Sparkle! And who the hell is Rainbow Flash!?" "Okay, so I might have made some changes - " "They don't live in Equestria anymore. You moved Ponyville to Kentucky." "Well, they do like horses in Kentucky." "Pinkie Pie is an alicorn! Do you know how much damage she'd inflict if she were an alicorn!" "Calm down - " "Don't you tell me to calm down. All those changes were bad enough, but you went and removed Applejack from the show! Best character on My Little Pony! Come on. We're going to fix this." Stewie dragged Brian by the collar into the time machine. ♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ Author's Note How could I not do a sketch featuring Family Guy? Pony Park - Part 8Nedry raced along the muddy road through the dark and the rain. He looked out for a turnoff before looking straight ahead - to a sharp bend in the road. Desperately he slammed the brakes and turned the wheel, but he skidded through the barrier and into a ravine. He climbed out into the rain, and spotted the sign for the East Dock. Hurriedly, he grabbed the line for the winch and raced to lash it around a nearby tree. Nedry heard a sound behind him and turned around, only to see a shadowy figure bounce back into the trees. "You got time, you can do this Dennis," he muttered, trying to motivate himself. A pony bounced around in the brush. Nedry made his way back towards the Jeep when he heard something behind him. He turned to see a pink pony standing there, looking at him expectedly. "What do you want? I got nothing. Here," he said, grabbing a stick. "You want to play fetch? Go fetch the stick," he said, throwing the stick into the woods. The pony still looked at him expectedly. "No wonder you're cancelled." Nedry stumbled back towards the Jeep. He turned to look back at the pony that had followed him. Suddenly, her mane expanded. "Smile!" she said, as she shot streams of silly string at him. Dennis screamed as the silly string burned his eyes. He raced towards the Jeep and banged his head on its frame, knocking him unconscious. TV STATIC Author's Note Bet you didn't see that coming! Treats for the FoalsRumble pulled out a cigarette. Turning to Tendertaps, he asked, "Say, got a light?" The earth pony put his cigarette back in his mouth as he searched his bag. "Here you go," he said, striking the lighter. Holding the cigarette end in the flames for a moment, Rumble leaned back and took a deep breath. "Oh, that's just right." Tendertaps took a satisfying puff of his cigarette. "I know what you mean. What did we do before cigarettes?" "I don't want to remember. I just like that smooth - " "What are you doing!" cried Cheerilee as she ran towards the two colts. "Uh, smoking?" replied Rumble. "Yeah," agreed Tendertaps. Ten minutes later.... BAM! The door to Sugarcube Corner slammed open and Cheerilee entered, literally dragging two colts with her. "Pinkie Pie!" she screamed. The door to the kitchen swung open. "Hi Cheerilee!" "Don't you 'Hi Cheerliee' me!" "What's the matter?" "Why did you gave these foals cigarettes!?" "Silly Cheerilee. I gave them candy cigarettes." "Are you sure about that?" Confused, Pinkie reached underneath the counter and produced a large cardboard box. She dumped the contents out. "As you can see, these are...." Pinkie scrutinized the packets. "Cigarettes?" "Pinkie, you gave foals cigarettes," growled Cheerilee. "How many foals did you give these to?" "Uh, I bought enough for all the foals of Ponyville." "Pinkie Pie!" yelled Applejack and Rarity as they stormed into Sugarcube Corner. TV STATIC Apple Stand IV"Or maybe Ah can sell ya some apple cider?" offered Applejack. "I'll take it from here," came a voice from above. "Who said that?" "It's me - the Author." "Dreadnought?" "Yes." "Well, howdy. Ah was just fillin' in fer ya like ya wanted." "Yes thank you. I appreciate you taking over for a while, but fans don't just want you to try and sell them apples. They come to 'Robot Pony' for the craziness and chaos, and the last couple of chapters have been... underwhelming." "Ah'm sorry." "It's not your fault. Besides, I appreciate you covering for me." "At least Ah didn't go all nuts like Fluttershy when she ran Rarity's store." "Huh." Applejack cocked her head. " 'Huh' ?" "I was just thinking of how funny 'Valley-Girl Applejack' would be." "What?" "Or 'Goth Applejack'." "What!" "I need you to cover for me while I go type up a really awesome story!" Applejack's eyes went wide. "Y'all have yer fans here at 'Robot Pony'. They want ya to write some more an' not git distracted with other stories." "Oh, okay. I'll do that. In fact, you'll be the star of the next chapter!" "What!" TV STATIC Author's Note We won! We won! Virginia won the national championship! It's What's On the Inside..."You're probably wondering why I came back to the family farm in the middle of the night," said Pinkie. Mm-hmm, noted Marble. "Well, it all started when—" "Less talking, more farming!" barked Limestone. "It's just... Maud has a boyfriend." "I'm not jealous! Who said anything about jealous?!" "Don't be! He's super-duper weird! And somehow, he tricked Maud into liking him. And now I'll never get to see her again!" Pinkie sighed, "I came home because you two know her better than anypony. What am I missing? What does she see in him? What does he have that I don't?!" "Buck up, Pinkie Pie. You look as miserable as I feel all the time." "It's just that I love Maud, and I want to love Mudbriar, but I can't see anything to like about him!" Limestone declared, "Ugh, fine! We're taking a work break. Come on!" She led the others to a simple rock. "I'm looking at a sparkling bright blue and white rock," said Limestone. "See it?" "You mean that lumpy grey one?" asked Pinkie Pie. "No, the beautiful blue and white one. Right there." "I would not describe that as beautiful, blue, or white, but.... Okay." "Show her," ordered Limestone. Marble Pie split the rock. "It's a geode! The outside looks like a regular rock, but the inside is filled with beautiful gems," said Limestone. "Ohhhhhh! I know what I must do!" She grabbed her sisters in a tight hug. "Thanks you two!" Pinkie raced off to the train station. Two hours later in Ponyville…. "Ahhhh!" screamed Mudbriar as he ran through town. "Somepony help me!" Pinkie came racing after him wielding a pickaxe. "Come back here Mudbriar! I need to split you open!" TV STATIC An InvitationClippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Pinkie Pie galloped across the land, followed by an overburdened Twilight. The pair approached a mighty fortress. "Halt!" cried Pinkie. "Who goes there?" cried a pony from above. "I'm Pinkie Pie! And this is Princess Twilight. We're from Ponyville!" "Pull the other one!" "No really! We've travelled the length and breadth of the land to ask you to join our Festival of Friendship in Canterlot next month." "What are those?" "What?" "Those?" Pinkie looked about. "You mean those?" she asked, pointing to the items suspended in Twilight's magical field. "You're banging two coconuts together." "Yeah?" "Why would you need to bang coconuts together?" "I like the 'clippity-clop' sound effect!" "But you're ponies!" "So?" "You're ponies! You should make that sound naturally!" "Nope. Never heard it!" "And where did you get those coconuts?" "We found them!" yelled Pinkie. She turned around to Twilight. "Come on. Even I can't believe we're doing this bit." Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. As they trotted away, a voice called from behind, "Are you suggesting cocounts migrate?" "Nope!" TV STATIC Author's Note Wanted to publish today's chapter before the movers come and I became all distracted. May the Best Pet Win - Alternate Ending"Rainbow! Your new pet is over here waiting for you!" cried Fluttershy. The falcon took off and swooped over the assembled ponies before taking a perch on Rainbow Dash's back. Rainbow mumbled, "Oh... Right... Yeah... That." "What's the matter?" asked Spike. "You got your perfect pet, right?" asked Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy said, "The best of the best like you wanted, remember? It can fly and it's not a squirrel! Should we sing about it again?" "A falcon sure looks good on ya, Rainbow," said Applejack. Rarity clicked the camera and the tortoise yelped in terror, retreating into his shell. Rainbow Dash rushed over, "Easy, fella. Nothing to be afraid of." She paused in thought. "The falcon sure does looks cool... He's absolutely everything I wanted in a pet." She let out a long forlorne sigh. "Yay?" offered Fluttershy. "Yeah, it's just, I've decided to go with another pet." The tortoise poked his head out of his shell with a hopeful look. "Really?" asked a knowing Fluttershy. "Eyup." "Who then?" said Applejack, asking the rhetorical question. "Isn't it obvious?...." The tortoise smiled. Suddenly giving a blank stare, Rainbow Dash pointed off to the side and said in a monotone voice, "The hypnotoad." TV STATIC Author's Note All moved out of my house! TitanicThe two ponies huddled close together for warmth on this bone-chilling night. They only heard the soft sounds of the great liner cutting through the ocean. The two scanned the inky blackness ahead.... Suddenly, a shape loomed out of the darkness. They gasped at the mountain of ice towering in front of them. The mare turned around and rang a bell, yelling at the top of her lungs, "Iceberg! Iceberg! Dead ahead." On the bridge, the first officer barked, "Hard to port! Full astern!" The sailor spun the wheel as fast as he could, while another rang the telegraph. In the engine room, the chief engineer heard the bells of the engine order telegraph. "Full astern!" he cried over the sounds of the reciprocating machinery. Ponies scurried about, turning valves. The giant pistons of the reciprocating engine came to a stop, then slowly started to go in reverse. On the bridge, the everypony held their breaths. "Sweet Celestia, we're going to hit it!" cried the first officer. Suddenly, on the forecastle, a bright purple flash. An alicorn lowered her head and a blinding flash came forth from her horn. It struck the iceberg, shattering it into a million pieces. The liner passed by the debris. The first officer ran out and shouted, "You've saved the Titanic!" Twilight smiled, "It was no problem. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." TV STATIC Author's Note Jack ain't dying on this one! Apple StandApplejack stood behind her apple stand. "Howdy y'all. The author is running low on ideas, so he asked me to fill in for a while. Now don't expect me tah perform some big magic trick like Twilight, or a sonic rainbow like Rainbow Dash. An' don't go wantin' me tah talk 'bout that fancy fashion stuff or animals. An' Ah ain't gonna do somethin' crazy like Pinkie Pie. Ah'm just happy tah be here at mah apple stand.... ... ... ... So... y'all want tah buy some apples?" TV STATIC Author's Note Posting this from the ferry. New Cars"So..." began Sunset Shimmer. "You six came from Equestria to buy cars?" Pinkie Pie leapt from her seat and started bouncing up and down. "I've heard that cars are so much fun!" "And fashionable," added Rarity. "And practical," noted Applejack. "I want something fast," declared Rainbow Dash. "We've read your letters and we thought it'd be a good idea to have some in Equestria," explained Twilight. "Do you know what you'd like to get?" asked Sunset. The six ponies-turned-girls returned blank stares. "Okay." Sunset rubbed her head. "Let me show you some models on my laptop." After half an hour, the six quickly reached a consensus. *** The car dealer walked out to a group of several girls approaching the lot. "Hello," he greeted. "Hello," they chorused. "How can I help you?" "We'd like to buy six cars," explained Sunset Shimmer. "Six!?" "Yes, in purple, orange, pink, blue, white and yellow." "What model?" All seven girls chorused, "Mustangs!" TV STATIC The Curse of Oak IslandThe men stood by, watching the cable come up the hole. It looped over a pulley and wound around the drum. Turn upon turn, the cable wrapped around the drum. Dozens upon dozens of feet of steel cable came up the hole. Finally, a dark object emerged. The workers scrambled, carefully guiding the object from the Money Pit and setting it gently down on the ground. People swarmed around the object, with camera crews documenting every moment. "Set back!" a man ordered. He carried a circular saw and began grinding away at the treasure chest. Everyone stared with unblinking eyes as the saw cut away at the ancient lock. Thunk! The cut lock fell to the ground. Everyone knew the most anticipated moment of their lives was at hand. Carefully the man opened the top of the treasure chest. Everyone held their breaths. "We now know what the treasure of Oak Island is... the banned episodes of My Little Pony ." Silence reigned. "What!" someone yelled. The man took out the DVDs. "We've got an episode where Pinkie Pie goes on a homicidal rage... one where Twilight gets Spike neutered... one where Fluttershy discovers her love of meat... one where Applejack tells Apple Bloom that she's her mother... one where Rarity makes a porno... one where Rainbow crashes and breaks her neck... and one where the ponies discover that they are really on a television show." TV STATIC Author's Note Any other ideas for lost episodes? Red BaronWinona sat in the cockpit, her eyes shielded by her tinted goggles while her scarf billowed behind her. She scanned the horizon for her adversary. Where? Where in the wide open sky? There! Winona opened the throttle to her rotary engine* and banked. It was time for a duel! Her opponent did a large loop. The audience applauded. Winona responded with a barrel roll. The audience clapped. Her opponent did a barrel roll into a tight loop. The audience cheered. Winona did a spiraling corkscrew, getting ever tighter as she descended. The audience cheered louder. The opponent did a triple loop into a low altitude pass - all upside down. The audience exploded! It was now onto Winona. No time to hold back. Time for Pugachev's Cobra! She lined up, and pulled back on the stick. The Sopwith Camel hung in the air. She was doing it! She was - stalling! She dived down, the ground filling her vision. RIP! There went her wings. There was no hope! Crash!!! Winona lay on the ground before her doghouse, yipping and howling. Applejack rolled her eyes. "Good grief," she muttered. Winona looked to the sky and shook her paw at her imaginary foe. "Curse you Rainbow Dash!" TV Static Author's Note Yes, another Peanuts reference. *The Camel had a rotary, not a radial engine. Counting DownThe temple lay abandoned and forgotten. A faint light illuminated the dark hallways, slowly growing bright. Finally, Darring Do rounded a corner, carrying a torch. She scanned the temple's interior. Raising her torch, she gasped at the sight.... "You found what?" asked Twilight. The map room was filled with the Elements of Harmony, the pillars, the royal sisters, Starlight and Sunburst. "A clock," repeated Daring Do. "A clock?" asked Pinkie. "Like an hourglass, a waterclock, a grandfather clock, a grandmother clock, a digital watch, a wristwatch?" "It was unlike anything I've ever seen. And..." she hesitated. "Go on," urged Princess Celestia. "And, it's counting down." "Counting down to what?" asked Rainbow. "The end of all things." Everypony gasped. "How... how much time to we have?" demanded Applejack. "Twenty four hours." Author's Note Twenty-four hours left. I've been dreading this day for years. I think I'll need a mountain of tissues! Dreadnought Turkey DayFluttershy cuddled in front of the television, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day ParadeTM from New York, New York. In her lap lay Angel, dozing quietly as she ran her hand down his back and massaged his head. Knock! Knock! Fluttershy looked quizzically at the door. Who would be coming this early in the morning? Her grandparents weren't coming until later for dinner. It couldn't be Sunset Shimmer; they weren't meeting up to work at the soup kitchen until late afternoon. And it couldn't be Rainbow Dash. Despite her brother's advances, Rainbow Dash was not his girlfriend nor did she want to be anywhere near him. Carefully Fluttersy laid Angel on the floor next to her and she stood up, doing her best to not disturb the sleeping bunny. She approached the door and hesitantly turned the knob. The door flew open, knocking her over. Before her she saw brown blurs and and a torrent of feathers. Slam! The door was now firmly shut and securely locked. Fluttershy walked into the living room. Angel was now awake and quite perturbed. He was surrounded by dozens of turkeys, happily gobbling with and at each other. "Hello?" squeaked Fluttershy. A turkey looked directly at her. "Gobble." "Uh - can I help you?" "Gobble. Gobble gobble. Gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble." "Oh. You say you need a safe place to hid until after Thanksgiving?" "Gobble." "Well, you're more than welcome to stay here." Angel began bouncing up and down, waving his arms. Reading his motions, suddenly her eyes went wide and her pupils shank to pinpricks. How was she going to explain what was cooking in the oven? TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thaksgiving and go Bills! Dreadnought ColdKnock! Knock! Spike slowly made his way to the castle door, only stopping long enough to blow is dripping nose or cough. He finally swung the front door open. "Hello!" waved the snowman. He stepped inside, not bothering to wait for Spike to invite him in. "Ooh, a crocodile. What's your name?" "I'm a dragon, and my name is Spike." "Hi Spike, I'm Olaf. I'm not really sure where I am." "This is Twilight's castle." "Oh, that's good. Just one question, who's Twilight?" "Twilight?" "Yes," said the snowman, nodding his head. "She's a Princess of Equestria." "Equestria, that's funny. There's a bunch of horses running around outside." "They're ponies." "Ponies. We have those back in my homeland. But they don't talk. They're dumb." "Okay," said Spike, still feeling like crap due to the flu. Just when he didn't think he could get any more miserable.... "So Spike, can you send me home?" "I don't -" Something tickled his nose. Achoo!!!! Before him lay nothing but some sticks, a carrot, and a puddle of water. Twilight sat at the table. "Spike, I told you, you're sick. You don't have to make me dinner." Spike shrugged and pulled the cover off the plate. "Ooh," began Twilight. "Roast carrot. My favorite." TV STATIC Author's Note While watching Frozen, I was eagerly looking forward to a heat wave hitting the kingdom. And then what's-her-name had to give Olaf his own snow storm! Dreadnought Boxing Day!Knock! Knock! Applejack trotted down the hall, wondering who was coming by the farm so early in the morning. She opened the front door and only saw a flash of red before it slammed her face. Reeling, dazed and confused, she glimpsed a retreating pink blur that yelled, "Happy Boxing Day Applejack!" Twilight couldn't wait to organize all the books she had received for Hearth's Warming. First she would sort the magic books. Then she would go through the history books. Maybe she'd take a break with a Daring Do adventure? She turned the corner to the library - Pow! Twilight fell back hard onto her haunches. "Happy Boxing Day, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash slept peacefully in her bed. Hard training always wore her out. Even though she had had Hearth's Warming off the day before, she was still exhausted from preparing for the new Wonderbolts season. She snuggled closer to her pillow and sank deeper into the bed. Wham! Rainbow bolted upright. A pony had busted down the wall to her bedroom. "Pinkie smash!" "Pinkie! What are you -" she was interrupted by a red boxing glove impacting her face. Rarity, dressed in a luxurious white bathrobe, entered the kitchen. "What should I make for breakfast?" she mused. She walked over to look in her refrigerator. Pulling back the door - Whomp! Rarity fell backwards. "Happy Boxing Day, Rarity!" cried the pink mare as she leapt out the window. "Pinkie!" shrieked Rarity in the empty room. Knock! Knock! Pinkie Pie bounced in place. She had wished four of her five very best friends a very happy Boxing Day. Now it was time for Fluttershy. The door opened. Wham! Pinkie Pie flew in the air until she slammed into a tree. When the stars stopped swirling, she looked up to see the yellow pegasus hovering above. "What - How?" Pinkie stuttered. Fluttershy smirked, "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!" TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Boxing Day! I feel like watching a Rocky marathon! Dreadnought Taking a StandShaken, Rapunzel emerged from her room. "Ahmthalosrincesss." Gothel huffed, "Please speak up Rapunzel you know I hate the mumbling." Rapunzel looked at her "mother" and repeated, "I'm the lost princess, aren't I?" Suddenly, a black haired woman with seven short men declared, "I'm the lost princess!" A woman with flowing golden hair and three fairies announced, "I'm the lost princess!" A woman with an ogre and donkey proclaimed, "I'm the lost princess!" A peasant spoke in a heavy Russian accent, "I'm the lost princess!" A red-haired woman with a crab on her shoulder signed, "I'm the lost princess!" "I'M THE LOST PRINCESS!!!" A moment later all the creatures slid down the wall which the booming voice had slammed them against. The dark blue alicorn covered her mouth with her hoof before saying, "Our apologies, we did not mean to use the Royal Canterlot Voice." TV STATIC SourceThe official party walked down the hallway. Richard Grenell, Director of National Intelligence, growled at his associate, "This had better be good. I had to cancel a meeting with the President because of this." The bureaucrat assured him, "Oh yes Sir, very important. We've discovered the source of the virus. She's in the interrogation room." "What?" DNI was ushered into a darkened room. On the other side of a one way mirror, he could see a large white unicorn with wings sitting patiently at a table. His rubbed his forehead as he felt a headache coming on. "What were you thinking?" "Well, the corona is part of the sun. And who controls the sun? Princess Celestia. So it makes sense that she's the source of the virus." "Last week you brought me the head of the Mexican brewery. Now you've kidnapped - " "Foalnapped, Sir." " - foalnapped the head of an interdimensional government. Let's hope that she has a sense of humor and doesn't wipe out the human race!" TV STATIC Author's Note Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. Stay healthy, stay safe! Dreadnought LunchThe Elements of Harmony had once again gathered around the Cutie Map. Though, this time, it wasn't an important mission they were planning or vital research they were conducting. No, it was being used for another task. The map, a device of immense magic and wisdom, had been relegated to mere dining room table. The six were happily enjoying their lunch. Or rather, five of the six were happily enjoying their lunch. Eaten off plates. Plates located on one of the most powerful magical artifacts known in the world. "Darling, what ever is the matter?" asked Rarity. Applejack sighed, "Ah don't want tah talk 'bout it." Suddenly, she had the undivided attention of all five ponies. "You can tell us," coaxed Twilight. "We're here for you," encouraged Fluttershy, though it is doubtful anypony else heard it. "Come on, spill it!" demanded Rainbow Dash. Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head. Getting up and wrapping her friend in a wing, Twilight said soothingly, "Applejack, we're here for you. You know you can tell us anything." Applejack sighed again, "It's just... it's hard." "Applejack, we want to help," said Rarity. "Yeah!" cried Pinkie Pie. Applejack took a deep breath. "Well... the truth is... yah see... it turns out... well... it's just that... Ah'm not what you think I am." Twilight smiled, "Applejack, you're one of the strongest ponies - " "That's just it Twi. Ah ain't a pony." Silence filled the room as everypony stared at Applejack in shock. "You mean...," began Twilight. "You're a changeling?" finished Rainbow Dash. "Nah," said Applejack. "Ah'm a Cylon." TV STATIC Author's Note Sorry. There was a Battlestar Galactica marathon on Syfy. Dreadnought Ancient PoniesMillions of people believe that we have been visited in the past by magical ponies. Did magical ponies really help to shape our history? And if so, might there be evidence in the legends of our ancient ancestors? Who were they? What did they leave behind? Where did they go? Will they return? ANCIENT PONIES December 2002. New Line Cinema releases The Two Towers, the second installment of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy. In it, Gandalf the Wizard relies upon Shadowfax, a wild magical stallion to carry him across Middle Earth and into battle at Helm's Deep. But Shadowfax is just one in a long line of horses in human mythology to help mankind. Unicorns. Pegasi. Kirin. For centuries, humans told legends of magical ponies that have helped shape history. Consider the ancient cave paintings of Bhimbetka, India. Giorgio A. Tsoukalos: It is obvious that our ancestors interacted with ancient pones. If you look at the paintings, you can see that the ponies are interacting with humans and teaching them how to build a civilization.... TV STATIC Author's Note If it's Friday on the History Channel, then it's Ancient Ponies. I mean, Ancient Aliens. Everypony have a safe and healthy Memorial Day weekend. Unless your area is celebrating another holiday, in which case have a safe and healthy *Insert your holiday here* ! Dreadnought New BlendRainbow Dash streaked through the sky. She nearly made a sonic rainboom, but kept just under the speed of sound, lest she get hit with another citation and have to shell out a ton of bits to fix broken windows. It was hard, because she was in such a rush. It was finally cider season! She had waited all year! She would not wait a second longer than she had to for that glorious liquid. Quickly the familiar scene of the Apple cider stand came into view. She dove down and hit the ground hard. After the dust settled, it revealed an unscathed Rainbow Dash standing proudly in all her glory. "Howdy, Rainbow. How y'all doin'?" greeted Applejack. "Hey AJ. Give me some cider." "One regular cider comin' up." "Wait, regular cider?" "Uh - yeah." "You mean there's another type of cider?" demanded Rainbow. "Well, we've been experimentin' with our process. We made a special batch with some new ingredients to make a real special cider." Rainbow Dash perked up. "Special cider?" "Eeyup." "As in, the best cider you ever made?" "Well, that's what we reckon. Granny thinks this new variety is pretty good. As does Big Mac. Even Apple Bloom took a swig and liked it." Her eyes glistening and her tongue lolling out of her mouth, Rainbow Dash slammed two bits on the counter. "This I've got to try. I'll take it!" "Ah'm not sure. It's pretty potent stuff," cautioned Applejack. "You saying I can't handle my cider?" growled Rainbow Dash. "Nah, but it hits us earth ponies somethin' fierce, and Ah don't know what a lightweight like a pegasus would do." "Give me the cider!" she demanded. "Fine, fine," said Applejack, filling a mug from a specially marked barrel. "But don't say Ah didn't warn yah." Rainbow Dash placed the mug on the counter and an instant later it was drained. "I'll have another!" "Ah'm not sure - " "Another!" A second later sat another empty mug. "Again!" "Rainbow - " "Again!" She threw a dozen more bits onto the counter. Shortly three empty mugs sat on the counter. Rainbow Dash stood there speechless, with a crooked smile plastered on her face. "We mixed some mushrooms into blend. We were thinkin' of callin' it our Premiere Cider Product - PCP fer short. It took a lot of work..." Rainbow Dash didn't hear a word. She was too mesmerized by the psychedelic show before her eyes. TV STATIC Author's Note 30,000 words! Can you believe it? Wow. Thank you all for following this story over the last three years. Dreadnought 4th of July!Pinkie Pie bounced down the street, greeting everypony she met. "Happy Fourth of July, Applejack!" "Howdy Pinkie, an' a happy Fourth of July to y'all." "Happy Fourth of July Lyra!" "Happy Fourth of July, Pinkie." "Happy Fourth of July, Big Mac! Happy Fourth of July, Sugar Belle!" "Eeyup." "Happy Fourth of July, Pinkie." "Happy Fourth of July, Rainbow Dash!" "You doing your annual Fourth of July fireworks show?" "Yes, indeedy!" Ocellus turned to Gallus. "I know that ponies celebrate the Summer Solstice, Nightmare Night and Hearth's Warming, but I didn't know the Fourth of July was a pony holiday." Gallus scratched his head, "Neither did I." Later that night, Ponyville was treated to a spectacular fireworks display: The next day.... Pinkie Pie bounced down the street, greeting everypony she met. "Happy Fifth of July, Applejack!" "Howdy Pinkie, happy Fifth of July!" "Happy Fifth of July, Rainbow Dash!" "You doing your annual Fifth of July fireworks show?" "You know it!" Gallus remarked to Ocellus, "Guess the Fourth of July isn't anything special. It's just Pinkie being Pinkie." TV STATIC Author's Note Good Morning and Happy Fourth of July! Well, I didn't mean to be late in publishing a chapter this week. June was a heck of a month. I received orders to a new installation. Normally, one gets orders and has a couple of months to get ready - packing, moving, looking for a new place to live, out-process, get necessary training done, etc. However, thanks to Covid, my orders got delayed and when I did get them, I had three weeks to report in at my new base. And that included working crew shifts and driving cross-country! I got very little sleep and even less time to write. Then I was on the road for 11 days and 4100 miles. Now I've got to find a place to live, move in, and get training for my new job done. Busy times. Don't know if you've all seen, but Whinny City Pony Con is going on. Most of the events are free, so you can tune in on their website. Anyways, happy Fourth of July everyone! Dreadnought Famous EquationsPythagorean Theorem: Archimedes Volume of a Cone: Newton's Second Law of Motion: Euler's Equation: Einstein's Mass-Energy Equivalence: Pinkie Pie's Fun Formula: TV STATIC Act of CreationDexter sat in front of a computer. Running simulations and analyzing matrices of complex numerical data always brought him great happiness, especially when the results precisely matched his predictions. He was at peace. But all good things.... "Ooh, what does this button do!?" He turned and slapped his sister's hand away from the big red button. "Don't touch that woman!" he commanded. Rubbing her hand, Dee Dee asked, "What is it Dexter?" "That is the start button for my greatest invention ever!" he proudly proclaimed. "But I thought your" she used air quotes "'neurotomic protocore' was your greatest invention." She motioned to the device gathering dust in the corner. Narrowing his eyes, he said, "It was until someone came along and ruined it. Do you know who that was, or should I say will be?" Dee Dee shrugged, "I dunno." Dexter huffed and rolled his eyes. "The button you were about to press would start the genesis wave." "Genesis wave?" Taking on his beloved role of teacher for his dimwitted sister, whom he considered dummer than a troglodyte, he began, "Genesis is the act of creation. The Genesis Device will unleash a genesis wave, which will rearrange matter into whatever form it is designed to achieve. Once it finishes charging overnight, I will unleash its power to usher in an age of science. Imagine it, Dee Dee. A world filled with transporters! A computer on everyone's wrist! A flying car in every garage and a laboratory in every home! Science and logic will rule the world!" Dee Dee shrugged again, "Sounds boring." She turned and walked away. Dexter shook his head, "Stupid Dee Dee." Early the next morning... A hand turned off Dexter's alarm clock as he slept peacefully, a smile on his face as he dreamed of the possibilities of the genesis wave. Dexter slowly rolled over and scrunched his face, unready for the light coming in through his window. He opened his eyes. It was - "Afternoon!" he cried. He rolled out of bed and donned his glasses. He stopped when he caught a glimpse of outside. Without a pause he ran down the stairs and burst forth from the front door. His jaw dropped at what he was seeing. Somehow, the color palette had become painfully bright. Suburbia had been transformed into a quaint village with small cottages topped by thatched roofs. And he began noticing the strangest thing of all: ponies. Not just small horses, but unicorns wielding magic and pegasi flying in the skies above. What had happened? A quick scan and he found his sister sitting on a blanket having a picnic with six such equines and some weird lizard. He ran over. "Dee Dee! What in Einstein's name happened?" "Who is this, darling?" asked a purple haired - er - maned pony. Dee Dee explained, "Oh, that's my brother." She turned to Dexter. "Hi Dexter! Your plan sounded boring, so I used your genesis thingy. I turned America into Equestria." "Equestria!?" "Yeah, you know, from My Little Pony." Dexter facepalmed. "It's going to take weeks for the Genesis Device to recharge before I can fix this mess." "'Fix this mess?'" asked a lavender unicorn with wings. "Yes. First I'll have to use the genesis wave to revert Equestria back to America. Then I can use it again to make my ideal society." An orange pony wearing a ridiculous stetson asked, "So, when y'all say yer goin' to 'revert Equestria back to America', what happens to Equestria?" Dexter explained, "Well, obviously it will be wiped away. There can't be any traces before the genesis wave is used again." He shook his head. "Why are all females so dim-witted?" he lamented. The six ponies exchanged looks. Before he knew it, Dexter was hogtied by a rope. "Twilight, go get the Elements. Ah'll keep 'im tied down," proclaimed the earth pony. "What are you going to do?" he demanded. "The same thing we do to everypony who tries to destroy the world!" replied a blue pegasus. Sometime later.... The teacher led her students through the Royal Gardens of Canterlot. Stopping, she addressed the students, "And here is the statue of Dexter. Unlike all other villains of Equestria, he didn't want to take over. He wanted to completely destroy the world." The students all stood wide-eyed and gasped. They followed their teacher as she led them further into the gardens. A strange creature, almost a science-experiment of sewn together appendages of different creatures, approached. Tapping on the stone statue, he remarked, "Guess no one bothered to warn you about the Elements of Harmony." TV STATIC Author's Note Can't believe it's been so long since I published an installment! Hope you enjoyed it! Dreadnought Birthday Present!"Oh Twilight, I absolutely love it!" cried Rarity. "I knew you'd like the Encyclopedia of Fashion. This edition is revised and expanded." "No matter how much I know about fashion, I know there's always more to learn." "Well, that's all the presents," said Pinkie Pie. "Now time for cake!" She wheeled a towering three-tiered pastry out to the assembled group of friends. "Oh, it looks delicious," said Rarity. "Yeah," said Rainbow Dash, her mouth open and her eyes fixed on the cake. Suddenly the top layer rose to reveal a horses head with a horn and an antler and a pair of mismatched eyes. "Discord!" cried Rarity. "Oh, hello there." "What do you want?" "And why are you ruining Rarity's cake!" demanded Pinkie Pie. "Oh, I'm here to give Rarity her present." "You are?" asked Rarity warily. "Yes." He popped out and stood before the mare. He pulled forth a small box, opening it to reveal a simple golden ring. "For you, my lady." Rarity levitated it and examined it. "It's an exquisite piece of work. Wherever did you get it?" Frodo Baggins stood on the precipice, looking down into the fires of Mount Doom. He pulled forth his chain from under his shirt, and let out a gasp as the One Ring was missing. TV STATIC Author's Note I'm slowly getting back into writing after a hiatus, starting with my new story My Little Promotion. Dreadnought Election 2020♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ The time machine shuddered before becoming still. The door opened, spilling fog into the bedroom. "We're back!" said a thankful Brian as he fell to his knees. "2021! The year that saved America!" proclaimed Stewie. "Oh, it's good to be back. Who knew the Dark Ages were so unhygenic?" "Ah yes. It would be several hundred years before toilet paper would be introduced from China." "I just feel like watching some tv for a while," said Brian. The two made their way downstairs. Sitting on the couch, Brian flipped on the television. "...And tomorrow we'll have special live coverage of the inauguration of President Trump!" Stewie and Brian sat there slack-jawed. "He got re-elected?" gasped Brian. "Four more years?" said a pale Stewie. "Yes, this will likely be the last inauguration for some time, as last month Trump was declared 'Dictator for Life' by the Twenty-eighth Ammendment." Stewie and Brian stared at each other in horror. "We've got to fix this!" yelled Brian. "Of course we do!" replied Stewie. "Now, prepare for a special presentation of My Little Pony: The Movie followed by the premiere of Season 10!" "Come on, Stewie, we've got to undo our change to the past and save the future!" Stewie watched the television and dismissively waved Brian off. "Now, now, let's not be too hasty. Let's give this dictatorship a chance." "And during the broadcast we'll also have a special sneak peek at My Little Pony 2: The Crystal Empire Strikes Back! " Stewie squealed with glee. TV STATIC Author's Note They just called Florida for Trump. We'll see how the rest of the night plays out. Christmas Eve 2020Seven friends gathered together in the family room, dressed in their usual nightgowns and pajamas. "Don't stay up too late," said Windy Whistles as she headed upstairs. "You'll want to be asleep when Santa Claus comes to town." "Santa! Santa!" cried Pinkie. "Moooom!" groaned Rainbow Dash. "Alright, time fer a movie!" proclaimed Applejack. "What should we watch?" posed Sunset. "Ooh! Ooh!" Pinkie bounced up and down. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas!" "We should view that great romance White Christmas," proposed Rarity. "I think we should watch It's a Wonderful Life," said Fluttershy, though it is doubtful any of the other girls heard her. "We're watching the greatest Christmas movie ever," said Rainbow Dash as she fiddled with the television. The seven watched the screen. "Is that Bruce Willis?" asked Sunset. "Die Hard," groaned Applejack Merry Christmas! Author's Note Die Hard Greatest. Christmas. Movie.... EVER! RetrospectiveDiscord sat in an overstuffed chair, next to a roaring fire. He wore a comfortable set of trousers and a smoking jacket. Removing his pipe, he addressed the audience: "Greetings, everyone. I just wanted to take a moment and reflect. In October 2010, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic premiered. It taught how to work together in harmony, build friendships, tackle difficult problems, and see things through a different perspective. Together, we laughed, we cried, we were inspired to make the world a better place. Finally, on October 12th, 2019, after nine wonderful seasons the series ended." He paused for a moment to let that information sink in. "Since then, world has seen a massive global pandemic, economies have collapsed, protests are in the streets. Billions of lives have been disrupted. The Cowboys and the Patriots are terrible, while the Bills and Browns are great. We've had an unconventional and disputed presidential election. The world has turned upside down. "Is it a coincidence? I think not...." He put his pipe in his mouth and began puffing away. TV STATIC Author's Note Nothing more that needs to be said. Jeopardy!Alex turned to the contestants. "The category is Figures of History. Here's your clue: The leader of the Pillars, he is known as "The Father of the Amniomorphic Spell" "Okay, let's see your answers. We'll start with Matthew. What did you put down? 'Who is Merlin?'. I'm afraid you are wrong. Let's see how much you wagered. Everything. Well, let's see how Christine did. 'Who is Ptolemy?' No, I'm afraid you're incorrect. Let's see how much that is going to cost you. Everything. Now we turn to our champion. What did she put down? 'Who is Starswirl the Bearded?' That is correct. How much did you risk? $60,000. That gives you a total of $120,000 and a 200 day total of $16,482,600. We'll be seeing Twilight Sparkle again on Monday. Goodbye folks!" In Memoriam Alex Trebek 1940-2020 Author's Note Tonight is Trebek's final Jeopardy! episode. He's been hosting as long as I, and probably most of you, have been alive. DreamwalkingGallus locked the door and joined the rest of his friends in the dorm room. Every creature looked expectantly at Ocellus, who seemed uneasy as the center of attention. "So, what's this big secret you have?" he asked. "Ooh! Ooh! Tell us!" said an eager Silverstream. "Yak want to know!" said Yona. "Well.... You see..." she began. "As you all know, changelings have innate magic. We're very similar to unicorns in our abilities." "Yeah," said Sanbar. "Get to the point," put in Smolder. "Well, last night, I learned how to control some new magic." Bouncing up and down, Silverstream repeated, "Ooh! Ooh! Tell us!" "It's called dreamwalking." "You mean like what Princess Luna can do?" confirmed Gallus. "Yes." "Awesome!" cried Smolder as her fellow students all nodded in agreement. "So you can go into other creatures' dreams?" clarified Gallus. Ocellus nodded. "She come to our dreams tonight!" declared Yona. One week later... The students gathered around the breakfast table. "Last night was fun!" cried Silverstream. "Yak have good time." "Yeah, hanging out in our dreams is pretty cool," added Sandbar. "So, who's up for another round of lava surfing?" asked Smolder. "Actually, why don't we explore someone else's dream?" proposed Gallus. "Like whose?" asked Smolder. Gallus thought for a second. "How about the professors?" Later that night... All the students gathered together in the dreamscape. "So, who should we visit first?" asked Silverstream. Ocellus hesitated. "Do you really think this is a good idea?" "Yeah, isn't this like an invasion of privacy or something?" asked Sandbar. Gallus shrugged, "Princess Luna does it all the time, and she never asks anyone's permission." "Yeah, what's the harm?" tsked Smolder. Sighing, Ocellus lit her horn. Instantly they were transported away. "Wait a minute. Is this the castle?" asked Gallus. They looked over at all the bookcases filled to the brim with ancient tomes. Siting by herself was Twilight, thoroughly engrossed in a thick book. "Of course," groaned Gallus. "Next!" ordered Smolder. The scene transitioned to a bright sunny day. "Sweet Apple Acres?" questioned Silverstream. The six saw Professor Applejack polishing an enormous red apple larger than even the mare herself. "Who's a good apple? Who's a good apple? You are. Yes, you are!" said Applejack. "Next!" ordered Smolder. They found themselves in a dark forest. A blue pegasus flew into the clearing. Instantly, a horde of changelings swarmed around her. "Awesome!" cried Rainbow Dash. Screams of pain rang out. Green blood flew everywhere. Changelings fell by the dozens. "Wow!" said Smolder. "Ocellus!" cried Silverstream. The poor nymph had fainted. TV STATIC Federal ChargesJanuary 24th, 2021 0900 Hours Federal Courthouse Washington, District of Columbia Everyone turned their heads and gasped as the prisoner was brought in. The girl was wearing a heavy bullet-proof vest over her orange jumpsuit, while her hands were shackled. A dozen armed FBI agents led her up to the front. A man in a business suit came up and began talking to her in a hushed voice. "All rise for the honorable Judge Marshall." Everyone in attendance rose as the judge entered the courtroom and took his place. He nodded to the prosecution, "You may begin." The prosecutor rose from his seat and addressed the court, "We are here to formally charge Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie on two counts. First, to attempting to enter a restricted area - " "I was there for the inauguration," bounced Pinkie. "It was supposed to be a super-duper party for President Biden!" Bang! Bang! Bang! Judge Marshall set his gavel aside as he barked, "Order! Order!" He looked at the man in the business suit standing next to Pinkie. "Mr. Grisham, please keep your client quiet." The prosecutor continued, "We are also charging her with intent to use a deadly weapon." Pinkie bounced again, "It's a party cannon! It shoots confetti!" Bang! Bang! Bang! "Order! Order!" TV STATIC Pony Tales"Hello audience," said Twilight Sparkle. "Hiya readers!" yelled Pinkie as she blew a party horn and unfurled a banner that read Audience Appreciation Party! "We are so happy you're here! I've got lots of fun games set up! Cake and pies and cupcakes! There's also punch! And --" "Pinkie," reprimanded Twilight. "Let the others have a turn." "Oh, okay!" "Howdy, y'all. We're a mite happy that y'all decided to drop by an' see us." "Yeah, I can't wait to show you the latest trick I've been working on! It'll make the sonic rainboom look like foal's play!" "Hello, darlings. I am ever so happy that you decided to join us this evening.... Fluttershy, dear, won't you please say something?" "oh... um... hello everypony." "Actually," corrected Twilight, "they're not 'ponies' at all. They're humans. Just don't tell Lyra. I'm afraid she'll go crazy with excitement. Now, then. I know it is out of the ordinary that we address you directly. However, there's been a certain incident that we need to address." She sighed, "We have high standards when it comes to fanfiction, and I'm afraid the author's latest post fell well short of expectations. They seemed to not care at all about what they were writing. We held an emergency board meeting to discuss the matter. Therefore, we have arranged for the author to take a non-voluntary leave of absence. Hopefully a vacation filled with well-deserved rest will enable them to achieve the high levels of writing that we expect. But do not be worried, keep calm and rest assured that Robot Pony will carry on. During their absence, we have each volunteered to author a chapter. Now, first up --" "Ooh! Me! Me!" Throwing her foreleg into the air, Pinkie said, "Pick me! Pick me!" "Alright, Pinkie can have the first round. Tomorrow Pinkie will post the first chapter. I hope to see everyhuman back here tomorrow...." Thanksgiving 2021Almost everyone was gathered around the food-laden table. Only the matriarch was missing, finishing up in the kitchen. Looking around, Applejack said, "Ah can't believe we didn't think of this before. Thanksgiving is a time to spend with family." "We don't have Thanks Giving back home, but Ah'm so happy we all got together," said the other Applejack. "Eeyup," responded two Big Macs in synch. "Ta think, there was another me out there," added Apple Bloom looking at her mirror image. Granny Smith eyed the three doppelgangers of her grandfoals. "Y'all may not be ponies, but y'all are Apples to the core!" Suddenly the door opened, and the other Granny Smith walked in carrying a perfectly roasted thirty pound turkey. The natives drooled at the sight while their guests visibly gagged. Meanwhile, at a house on the other side of town.... Twelve ponies shared a similar Thanksgiving table. "I hope you like rock soup," declared Limestone Pie. "We have it for the holidays back in Equestria," said the other Limestone. "Aw look," said Maud. "Boulder and Boulder are getting along," finished the other. Pinkie Pie beamed. "We may be having rock soup, but we can't forget the dessert!" She pulled out a pumpkin pie and pecan pie from her hair. The other Pinkie scoffed, "That's it?" She pulled out a single pie. "Pumpkin-pecan!" Meanwhile, at a house down the street.... "Dear, it's time for dinner," said Windy Whistles. "I'll get the girls," said Bow. He walked into the living room. His daughter, and her interdimensional counterpart, sat enthralled playing a video game. "You're still playing that fighting game?" he asked in surprise. "Yeah," said his daughter. "You've been at it for hours." "We're still on the first bout," she explained. Bow examined the screen. "Now, now," he smiled, "perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything." TV STATIC Author's Note If you're hungry for more, you can check out Thanksgiving 2020. Also, my story The Labors of Applejack, has a great Thanksgiving-inspired chapter. Have a happy holiday! Go Bills!!! Latest Business Offer"Ah'm sure glad you could make it to the Appleloosa Fair, cousin," said Braeburn. Applejack spared a glance at the fillies about them. Sweetie Belle had saddlebags loaded with souvenirs and gifts she had purchased. Scootaloo had a carrot dog on a stick in one hoof and a candy apple on a stick in another. Apple Bloom was lugging around a pony plushie almost as large as she was. Applejack chuckled, "Eeyup." Suddenly several ponies galloped by towards a big, growing crowd. With a characteristic eyebrow raise, she said, "Brae, look after the fillies for a sec." "Sure thing, cuz." Applejack approached the mass of ponies, crowding around a stand. Slowly making her way to the front, she found two familiar ponies peddling their latest product. "Yes, step right up folks for the greatest thing to ever come to Equestria!" said Flim. "Why yes, dear brother, it's like nothing ever seen before!" responded Flam. "It's the perfect investment!" "It's safe and secure!" "It's the wave of the future!" "It's guaranteed to grow in value!" "What is this amazing investment, Flam?" "Why, you fine folks could be the first to invest in cryptocurrency!" TV STATIC Author's Note DSTA rainbow-colored blur rocketed across the sky to the crystal castle in the distance. Rainbow Dash burst into the map room. "I'm here! We can totally get started on breakfast." She was met by five blank stares. "What? Aren't we doing breakfast?" "Rainbow," began Twilight, "we've already eaten." "What?" "Yeah, it was totally Scrumdiddlyumptious!!!" declared Pinkie Pie. "I agree darling," added Rarity. "It was quite delicious." "How could you eat without me?" asked Rainbow Dash as her stomach lodged a similar protest. Looking over at her friend, Applejack said, "Sugarcube, you're late." "You said ten o'clock. I left my house at 9:59. It can't be more than 10:01." Twilight sighed, "Rainbow, did you forget to move your clock forward?" "Say what?" "Today is Daylight Savings Time." Rainbow facehoofed. "That would be a no." "Why do we move our clocks forward an hour? Why can't we just stay on one time all year? What sort of idiot came up with this!" A voice came from behind, "Well, I take offense to the 'idiot' slur, but I find Daylight Savings Time to be quite chaotic." Rainbow spun in place. "DISCORD!!!" she growled. TV STATIC Author's Note I hate DST. Contact your Congressman to push for passage of the Sunshine Protection Act! Dreadnought UkraineJanuary 25th... NPR - Ukraine crisis deepens after U.K. says Russia may try to install a pro-Kremlin leader TIME - U.S. Puts 8,500 Troops on Alert for Possible Deployment to Europe Amid Ukraine Crisis BBC - Ukraine: How will we know if war has started? Five friends galloped into the Castle of Friendship. "Where in Equestria are we going, Twi?" asked Applejack. Examining the map, Twilight looked up, "Where not going anywhere in Equestria." "Then where are we going, darling?" asked Rarity. "Mr. President, they're in your private office," said the aide. President Putin stepped into his office and expertly hid his surprise at the six ponies waiting for him. "What have you come for?" he asked suspiciously. "Where here to teach you about loyalty," said Rainbow Dash. "And generosity," added Rarity. "Kindness," squeaked Fluttershy. "Laughter," bounced Pinkie Pie. "Honesty," added Applejack. "And the greatest magic of all, friendship!" finished Twilight Sparkle. One week later... BBC - "Tensions Suddenly Ease in Russia-Ukraine Crisis" CNN - "World Breathes Sigh of Relief As Crisis Ends" Fox News - "Putin Steps Back From Brink of War" One Month later... CNN - "Putin Vows New Era in Relations with West" BBC - "Russia: A Land Transformed" NBC - "Russia Extends Friendship to the West" TV STATIC Author's Note If only.... Last SupperAnd as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, "Take, eat; this is my body." And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, "Drink ye all of it." Then Pinkie Pie pranced in from the pantry with a platter of puffy pastries proclaiming "Who wants dessert?" TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Good Friday everyone! Dreadnought Dragonshy - Deleted SceneFluttershy soothed the crying dragon. "There, there. No need to cry. You're not a bad dragon, you just made a bad decision. Now go pack your things. You just need to find a new place to sleep. That's all." The dragon took off and flew off south into the distance.... A short time later: TV STATIC Author's Note Good Morning Everyone! Thanks for reading! Dreadnought *UPDATE* Robot Pony has officially made the Featured box! Kindergarten"Welcome. Welcome students," greeted the smiling lady. "I'm Ms. Baker, your kindergarten teacher." "Good morning Ms. Baker," replied several of the students. Noticing some of the apprehensive looks, she said, "I know this is your very first day of school, but do not worry. School will be fun and you'll like it very much." She pulled out a piece of paper. "Now, before we do anything else, I need to take attendance. When I call your name, please say 'Here.'" She referenced the sheet of paper. "Anna Adams." "Here," chirped the little girl. Ms. Baker smiled approvingly before continuing. "Thomas Andrews." "Here! Here!" shouted the eager boy as he waved his arms for attention. "Thank you, Thomas," she said, noting the child who likely had too much sugar in their diet. "Megan Boxer." "Here," replied the girl at a barely audible tone. Ms. Baker did a double-take at the list. "Rainbow-Dash Clark?" "Here!" said the little girl. "Twilight-Sparkle Clark?" "Here!" said the girl. Ms. Baker examined the two little red-haired twins seated on the floor. She noted, "I see your parents were fans of My Little Pony." TV STATIC Disposing of the Incriminating EvidenceThe night was quiet and the sea calm. Only the motorboat broke the silence and tranquility. The vessel slowed down and came to a dead stop. "All right, let's do this," said Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy and Sunset Shimmer looked at the locked trunk in the middle of the boat. The three girls reached down and hefted the heavy trunk. Sunset Shimmer could feel something wet and sticky and warm seeping through the seams of the trunk. "On three," commanded Rainbow Dash. "One. Two. Three!" The girls heaved the trunk over the transom and off the back of the boat. Splash! The trunk hit the water, floating for a moment before sinking to Davy Jones's Locker. "Time to celebrate." Rainbow Dash headed to the cooler and retrieved three bottles of fizzy apple cider, giving Fluttershy and Sunset each a bottle. As the three girls sat in silence sipping their sodas, Sunset looked at her hands. They were covered in that sticky, warm, and red liquid. She sighed, "When Princess Twilight told me to learn friendship, I never thought it would involve helping my friends dispose of a body." Phffffft! Rainbow Dash spit out her cider as Fluttershy squeaked in horror. "What are you talking about?" demanded Rainbow Dash. "Uh, we got rid of a locked trunk that was leaking blood." She raised her red hands for emphasis. "That wasn't a body. Those were the three dozen cherry pies Pinkie Pie baked for me today." TV STATIC Author's Note I watched "Secrets and Pies" yesterday during the Mane 6 Summer Bash and this came to mind. Dreadnought Pinkie Pie's Party Playlist"Ooh, I can't wait for the Starswirl Music Festital!" cried Pinkie Pie. Adjusting her glasses, Twilight said, "Well, it doesn't start until tomorrow." "An' it's a long drive," added Applejack as she drove the RV. "I know!" responded Pinkie. "That's why I created an individual playlist for everyone and chose a theme song for all of you!" "That's...." began Sunset Shimmer. "Incredibly organized," finished Twilight. "I'm jealous." Pinkie synched up her phone to the RV's stereo system. "So, darling, a theme song for each of us?" prompted Rarity. "Yeah. Here's mine." Pinkie Pie pushed her button and the song began playing: "Oh, darling, that suits you perfectly." "I know, let me do yours." Pinkie changed the playlist: "So fitting," cooed Rarity. "Ooh, do me next!" commanded Rainbow Dash. Pinkie obliged: "Uh, I don't get it," said Rainbow Dash. Pinkie giggled, "Haven't you looked in a mirror?" All the girls laughed. "Who's next?" asked Sunset. "Thanks for volunteering." Pinkie hit the button again: "That seemed a bit too obvious," said Twilight. "Not as obvious as yours!" "I'm not white and nerdy!" objected Twilight. "Do you know pie to a thousand places?" asked Pinkie. "Well, yes." "Do you have a soldering gun?" asked Applejack. "That's hardly relevant." "Can you code in Java?" asked Sunset. "Can't everybody?" "That settles it," said Rainbow Dash. "Twilight is definitely white and nerdy." Twilight crossed her arms and huffed, "If anything I'm purple and nerdy." "Lavender," corrected Rarity. Rainbow Dash thought, "Let's see, we've done mine, Sunset's, Twilight's, Pinkie's, Rarity's -" Pinkie cried, "Time for Spike's!" "That is rather fitting," said Rarity. "Now, what about Fluttershy's?" "Okay!" "Oh, that's a lovely song," said Fluttershy. "Only Applejack's is left," said Rainbow Dash. Applejack chuckled, "Let's see what Pinkie selected for me." Pinkie hit play: As the notes finished, a hush fell over the RV with all eyes falling on Applejack. "Wow, her face is as red as an apple!" exclaimed Pinkie. "Do you suppose it's anger?" asked a nervous Fluttershy. "Or embarrassment?" opined Rarity. "Probably both," mused Sunset. TV STATIC Author's Note I did have a bit of trouble with Fluttershy, but I think it works. Dreadnought Series Premiere (2021 Version)Nightmare Moon taunted, "You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work!" Surrounded by her new friends, Twilight Sparkle stared down Nightmare Moon. "But it did! A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends! You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark, that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... magic!" Nightmare Moon's eyes went wide. Suddenly she began bouncing around, crying "Bing Bong! Bing Bong!" joined by Rarity and Twilight. The other ponies stood in utter confusion. Applejack asked, "Does anypony know what the hay is going on?" Princess Celestia walked into the room and saw the dark alicorn prancing around with the two unicorns, all shouting nonsense. "What is going on here?" she asked. "We're not exactly sure, Princess Celestia," admitted Rainbow Dash. "Yeah," agreed Pinkie Pie. "We were about to defeat Nightmare Moon after Twilight discovered she was the Element of Magic." Princess Celestia's left eye twitched. "Bing Bong! Bing Bong!" she barked. Rainbow Dash sighed, "Anypony got a deck of cards?" TV STATIC Author's Note Just watched A New Generation for the first time. I'll post a blog with my thoughts after Everfree Northwest this weekend. Dreadnought Thanksgiving 2022Surrounded by her friends, Sunset Shimmer smiled. "On this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I get to spend it with my best friends." "Me too," said Twilight. "And football!" cheered Applejack. "Yeah, the World Cup is on!" added Rainbow Dash. Applejack scowled, "I meant the real football. You know, Giants - Cowboys." "Soccer is the real football. You use your feet. When do you use your feet in American football?" "Kickoffs, punts and field goals," retorted Applejack. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Pah-leeze. Those are only a handful of plays. Soccer is the real football!" "No it ain't!" "Yeah it is! It's much more athletic than American football." "Football is more physical." "Yeah, they just bang into each other." "Them football players are tough. I see those soccer players fallin' on the ground and cowering in pain aft'a barely bein' touched." "It's called flopping, and it's an acceptable tactic...." Watching the argument, Rarity sighed, "Why is it that every Thanksgiving involves an argument?" Handing out slices of pumpkin pie, Pinkie Pie explained, "It's our holiday tradition!" TV STATIC Author's Note Funny enough, I've had something similar to the above conversation with my coworker, who's a huge soccer (football?) fan. Since I've last posted, I've spent 7 weeks in military training. And working at my normal job. And preparing for my PT test. And a whole bunch of other things. *Sigh* Hopefully I'll be able to do more writing soon. Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving! Dreadnought Professional HelpThe unicorn mare adjusted her glasses as she levitated the papers in front of her. She frowned as she scanned the documents, occasionally scribbling some notes on the pad sitting on the table next to her. At last there was a knock on the door. "Come on," she returned. The door opened and an earth pony stallion poked his head in. "Doctor, your afternoon appointment is here." "Send them in," she said. A few moments later orderlies wheeled in the patients. All three were secured with straight jackets. The doctor had been used to seeing the thousand-yard stare with those suffering from PTSD, but never did she expect to see fillies exhibiting it. Three mares followed, taking up positions behind the fillies, with one being an orange earth pony, one a white unicorn, and one a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. The doctor examined the assembled ponies in front of her. "Perhaps we should start at the beginning." The three mares shuffled uneasily. "Well, you see..." began the white unicorn. The blue pegasus rubbed the back of her head. "It kinda like this...." The orange earth pony continued, "And - well - uh - " "Please!" pleaded the doctor. "If I'm to treat these fillies, I need to know what happened." The orange earth pony removed her Stetson. "We were invited as guests of honor to BABSCon. It seems that last night, these three curious fillies decided to sneak into the After Dark Vendors Hall -" At those words the fillies came alive. The unicorn began whimpering, the orange pegasus began shaking violently and the earth pony with a red bow cried "The horror! The horror!" TV STATIC Author's Note I made that mistake once before. Never again. Thanksgiving 20230430 EST Washington, DC Seven figures slipped between the shadows. Quickly they darted across the street, huddling under a burnt-out streetlamp. A car approached. The seven figures dove behind a bush. The car passed by. The seven figures emerged again. “So, are we ready to do this, y’all?” “According to my calculations, we’ve got a ten-minute window to get in and get out.” “On it!” The girl held up a gun, and a moment later a grappling hook shot over the wall. Quickly she began scurrying up. “Pinkie, darling! This is not the plan.” “She’s going all Leeroy Jenkins on us. So not cool.” “Rarity, can you create a shield to raise us over this wall?” “Of course, Sunset.” A diamond-shaped shield appeared and the six remaining figures floated over the wall. “Where is it?” “Fluttershy! I found it! This calls for a party!” The seven huddled around the cage. “Applejack, according to my analysis, you should be able to break the steel.” “Ah’ll give it a try.” Wrenching steel filled the air. “Well, Fluttershy, do we have mission success?” Gobble-gobble. Gobble-gobble. “Ooh, aren’t you just the most precious birds. We’re here to save you from becoming Thanksgiving dinner.” 0900 EST Two men stared at the cage with a big hole. “That’s great! That’s just great! The turkeys are gone. Now what’s President Biden supposed to pardon? It’s tradition that the President of the United States issues a Thanksgiving pardon!” The other man scratched his head. “Well... maybe he can pardon Trump?” TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all have a great holiday. BTW, it's not too late to sign up for the great Jinglemas secret-Santa story swap. Dreadnought
The ScreamGrand Pear looked at his daughter in shocked disbelief. "Are you choosing to be an Apple over being a pear?" he demanded. "Are you making me choose?" pleaded Pear Butter, her heart breaking inside her chest. "Yes. I am," he said gruffly. Tears welling in her eyes, she knew where she truly belonged. "Then yeah, I guess I am." Grand Pear felt an intense rage building up within him that he couldn't contain. Shaking with anger, he belted out at the top of his lungs: "Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn!" Everypony stood there in shock before Bright McIntosh asked, "Who's Kaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahn?" Realizing his mistake, Pear Butter yelled, "Peeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeear Butter!" TV Static Author's Note Just random shorts that I write as they occur to me. Excuse my strange sense of humor. Dreadnought
The Wrong MedicationCranky Doodle Donkey stood in the Ponyville Pharmacy. He was nervous and a bit embarrassed, but he needed to get his new prescription filled. Finally building up his courage, he hesitantly approached the pharmacist's counter. Standing behind it was a cream-colored pegasus with a brilliant blue mane. "Hello Cranky," greeted Pestle. "Hello," he said tersely. "What can I help you with today?" she asked. "I have a new prescription," he said, passing the doctor's note to her. Taking it, she examined the note before giving Cranky a curious look, which was returned with an angry scowl on his part. "Come back in an hour and it will be ready," she said. Without a word, Cranky turned and walked out the door. An hour later... Cranky reentered the pharmacy and waited behind Big Mac. "Now, take two vitamin pills three times a day," advised Pestle. "Eeyup," came the earth pony's reply. He took the bag and departed, heading back to Sweet Apple Acres. Cranky stepped forward to the counter. "Hello Cranky," Pestle again greeted the donkey. "Hello again," he mumbled. "I have your prescription ready." She grabbed the bag from behind the counter. "Would you like me to explain how to take it?" "No!" he yelled. The other customers stopped what they were doing and stared at the donkey, wondering what was going on. "Very well," she said. "I've included instructions with the medication." She passed him the bag. "Thanks," he grumbled and paid her the bits. He turned and headed home, a slight spring in his step. The next day... Pestle stood taking inventory. They always needed to order more medications and supplements to keep the shelves stocked. Typically products varied with seasons. In winter it was flu medication. In spring allergy medicine. In summer sunscreen. In fall cold medicine. And after a monster attack, it was headache medicine, tranquilizers, and sleeping pills. Yes, monster attacks were always good for business. And not just for the pharmacy, but also for the liquor store down the street. This month's sales were down. Maybe another beast from Tartarus - The door swung open to reveal an angry Cranky. "Hello Cranky?" she greeted hesitantly. "Is something a matter?" "Yes. You gave me the wrong medication!" he yelled. "I did?" said the confused Pegasus. "But I filled the Viagra - " At the word Viagra, Cranky's faced turned red and he yelled, "It wasn't Viagra you gave me!" "I wonder what happened?" she asked, more to herself than him. Applejack burst through the door, an angry expression on her face. "What kind of vitamins did you give my brother?" she demanded. "What?" asked Pestle. "After taking them, he locked himself in the barn and won't let any of us in. He says all he wants to see is Sugar Belle." TV Static
Geuss QFluttershy found herself busy setting up for her weekly tea party. She wanted everything to be perfect for her friend. After all, he had nearly killed himself getting ready for the last tea party. Let's see... Finger sandwiches? Check. Biscuits? Check. Napkins? Check. Room décor? Check. What could she be forgetting. Weeeeeee! Oh right, the tea. Fluttershy flew into the kitchen and poured the kettle into the tea pot. Now everything was ready. She sat on her chair, awaiting the arrival of her friend. Flash! Fluttershy looked expectantly, but found herself shocked at what she saw. In her living room stood a man with short black hair, wearing a red and black outfit. "Who are you?" she asked, fear rising in her voice. "I'm Discord." "Discord? You sound a lot like Discord, but you don't look like him," she observed. Turning to a mirror, he found himself chuckling. "Sorry. I forgot on what show I'm on." Snapping his fingers, the draconequus reappeared. "So, who's ready for some tea?" TV Static
Equestria Games InspectorThe crowd stood expectantly. Very shortly the inspector for the Equestria Games would arrive to inspect preparations. If everything went well, then Cloudsdale stood a very good chance of getting the games later that year. The mayor and town council had organized this group, to give the inspector a massive friendly welcome upon her arrival. Suddenly through the clouds emerged a large hot air balloon. It rose up and set down in front of the crowd. Everypony cheered and waved flags. The mayor stepped forward, and proclaimed, "We would like to welcome you to Cloudsdale!" The door to the basket opened and Miss Harshwhinny stepped forth - and promptly fell right through the cloud. The shocked crowd stood silent as they listened to a fading scream. The head of the town's games committee said, "I guess we forgot to enchant her with the cloud-walking spell." The mayor observed, "Guess we're not getting the Games now." TV Static
ConventionSix ponies moved through the thick crowd. Twilight Sparkle led the group, looking about with utter happiness on her face. Rarity eyed all the cosplay costumes, taking notes and considering the possibilities of expanding her business to serve this new clientele. Pinkie Pie was practically buzzing, super-doper excited at everything she was seeing. Applejack looked about, just trying to take convention. Fluttershy felt extremely anxious in such a large crowd. Rainbow Dash pushed herself to the front of the group. "I don't get it Twilight. When you said we were going to the human world, I kinda thought that everybody would be hounding us." "Normally. But we fit right in here at Bronycon." TV Static
Bakes on a PlanePinkie Pie wiped her mouth after throwing up. She had travelled before on a hot-air balloon and even on a self-propelled helicopter and never had gotten sick, but somehow travelling on an airplane had given her airsickness. She threw the paper towel into the toilet and flushed it before opening the door. Smoke! She smelled smoke! Rushing to the oven, she opened it and black smoke billowed out. An earth pony leaped from his passenger seat and yelled, "I've had it with her! I can't believe she mother-f@#$%^& bakes on this mother-f@#$%^& plane!" TV Static
The Pony Dimension"So, what are we looking at?" asked Gru. "It's a trans-dimensional portal," replied Dr. Nefario proudly. "We can commit villainy in other dimensions with no negative consequences." "Does it work?" asked Margo. "Of course it works. I'll show you." Flipping a switch, a singularity flashed before transforming into a swirling vortex. "Very nice," admired Gru. Slowly he noticed a slight breeze passing over his head, which grew stronger and stronger. "What's going on?" he asked. "Oh, it's nothing," reassured the mad scientist. But the winds grew stronger as the vortex grew larger. "The vortex is becoming a black hole!" yelled Dr. Nefario. "Gurls get back!" ordered Gru. The breeze was now like a raging hurricane. Suddenly a gust of wind came roaring through the lab. "Gru!" cried a small girl as she was blown into the portal. "Agnes!" cried Gru and the other girls. *** Slowly Agnes regained consciousness. Opening her eyes, she found she was in a brightly colored land. Looking around, she saw six ponies coming towards her. One was a pink pony and another an orange one wearing a hat. Overhead flew a blue pony and a yellow one. Leading the group were purple and white ponies, each sporting a horn. The latter approached the little girl. "Are you okay?" asked the pony. "Are you a unicorn?" asked Agnes. "Why yes, I - " The little girl leaped upon the unicorn, clutching the neck and nearly stragling the shocked mare. "She's so fluffy!" cried Agnes. "AHHHHHHHHHHHH! Get if off!" shrieked Rarity. TV Static
JawsChief Brody climbed up the mast of the listing boat. He looked about for the shark he knew was out there. Brody spotted a fin in the distance, lining up for an attack. Pulling back the bolt, he chambered another round. Leaning on the mast for support, he aimed squarely for the compressed air tank in the shark's mouth. He pulled the trigger. Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. "Blow up." Bang! Nothing. Bang! Nothing. Down to his last bullet, he said, "Smile you son-of-a-" He pulled the trigger, but the bullet bounced off a glowing orb, which transformed into a purple winged unicorn. "Stop!" she cried. "Have you every thought of befriending the shark? I've been sent from Equestria to solve this friendship problem. If you will just listen - Wha!!!!" The shark leapt from the water, and in one bite, ate Twilight Sparkle. Now with Chief Brody unarmed, it circled around for another attack.... TV Static Author's Note Sorry I haven't been around that much. I've been rockin' out at BRONYCON!!! DREADNOUGHT
Resonance FrequencyRarity stood before her Crystal Empire store. The opening was a complete and utter disaster, the absolute worst moment of her entire life. Everything that could go wrong did go wrong. It was like the opening of Rarity for You in Manehattan, without the happy ending. And to top it all off, the store had caught fire and burned down, even though inexplicably the fire station was next door. Rarity knew the reviews in the newspapers would be scathing, and her fashion career could very well be over. Pinkie Pie approached her friend, whose life had suddenly taken a nose dive. "Here" she said, offering her friend a guitar. "Thanks," said Rarity. Taking the guitar, she poured all her anger and frustration into a heavy-metal rift that lasted several minutes. At the very end, she hit a high note and held it for a long time. The crystal ponies started to run about screaming, before shattering into millions of pieces. Stunned, all Pinkie Pie could say was, "Feel better?" Looking about, Rarity solemnly replied, "Even worse I'm afraid." Author's Note Good times at Bronycon!!! But it's almost over!!! Have to wait until Bronycon 2018!!! I'll try to keep my sanity!!! Dreadnought
Things not to say to Twilight SparkleThings no one should ever say to Twilight Sparkle: "Would you like to join me at the book-burning rally?" "Worst. Princess. Ever." "Smarty Pants." "You screwed up your friends lives then became an alicorn. What gives?" "You sound a lot like Tara Strong." "Do you even pay Spike for his services?" "Yeah. The Golden Oaks Library needed to go." "So, when will Starlight take over as the star of the show?" "If you're so smart, why aren't you in Mensa?" "If you're so smart, why haven't you been on Jeopardy?"
New ClothesRarity went to her trunk. "Okay, as we prepare to battle the dark lord, I have some new clothes that will identify us in the chaos of battle. For Twilight and Pinkie Pie, I have blue shirts. For Rainbow Dash and myself, gold ones. For Fluttershy and Applejack, red shirts." Applejack turned to Fluttershy. "We're bucked." TV Static
Rarity Investigates Again!Rarity walked about, rattling off the evidence. "...and then there is the new will, the diary entries, the bloody knife found in the backyard. Yes, Lyra had the means, motive, and opportunity. She is the murderer." Everyone stood there, stunned. Lyra the murderer? But Rarity had made an ironclad case. Even Lyra forgot she was totally innocent and became convinced that she was a murderer. TV Static
OprahKevin decided that it was time to move on from My Little Pony. He should return to college and complete his PhD. But first, there was something he needed to do. Going to his laptop, he pulled up fimfiction and began going through the stories... "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." "You get a down-vote." It went on for hours. TV Static
The VisitCelestia and Luna sat awkwardly in their parents' living room at the Canterlot Retirement Village. Their mother levitated cups filled with hot tea to the sisters and their father. Sitting down, she began, "So how are things with you two? Luna, you really need to visit more often. I haven't seen you in a thousand years." Celestia and Luna shared an awkward look between themselves. TV Static
Things not to say to ApplejackThings never to say to Applejack: "Apples suck!" "Pears suck!" "I don't want to go back to school. Can you teach me how to make those cupcakes that made everypony sick?" "You sister is hot!" "Your Granny is hot!" "Orchord Blossom is hot!" "Yeah, I just saw Apple Bloom. She's going skydiving." "You're in my fanfiction. You're shipped with Trenderhoof." "You're in my fanfiction. You're shipped with Prince Blueblood." "Smarty Pants!" "You know in Pinkie Tales: Raripunzel you're a dude?" "All your episodes suck!" TV Static
Birthday CakeDing Ding Ding! Twilight set the spoon and glass aside. "I'd like to thank you all for coming. It's not every day we get to celebrate a centenary. Very few ponies reach 100 years of age. We've come to celebrate Golden Oak's birthday. And as a way of expressing our happiness on your birthday, we've baked you this." A large cake was wheeled out. "Make a wish," said the elderly stallion's granddaughter. He leaned in to blow out the candles. The cake erupted, sending splatters in every direction. "Surprise!" yelled Pinkie Pie, bursting forth from the cake. Golden Oak clutched his barrel. "My heart." He fell over. Dr. Horse rushed forward. "He's dead," the doctor pronounced. TV Static
Starlight GlimmerThis is Starlight: Some people might try to tell you she is Twilight. They might try to scream "Twilight! Twilight! Twilight!" over and over and over again. They might put "TWILIGHT" in all caps. You might even start to believe that she is Twilight. But she's not. This is Starlight. Facts First. TV Static Author's Note A parody of the CNN commercial.
College LectureMostly graduate students, the class sat with uneasy excitement over the start of the new semester at Canterlot University. They watched as the clocked ticked away to the appointed hour... 7:57... 7:58... 7:59.... At precisely eight o'clock the door swung open and a pink, fluffy pony entered and walked to the lectern. She turned to the class, "Good morning everypony. I'm Dr. Fluffle Puff, and welcome to Advance Topics in Quantum Mechanics." A unicorn mare leaned over to the stallion next to her. "I thought fluffy ponies were supposed to be stupid." "Yeah they are. Dr. Puff still doesn't believe there's convincing evidence to prove the Higgs boson." TV Static
Star Trek: Pony Contact“Fire.” A half dozen starships began pouring in fire upon the Borg Cube. Photon torpedoes tore gaping wounds into the vessel while phaser fire inflicted terrible carnage. Once a sufficient hole had been created, the Enterprise fired a salvo of three quantum torpedoes. The bright white lights streaked forward and buried themselves deep within the hull before detonating. Immense explosions swept through the ship, instantly killing tens of thousands of cybernetic Borg drones. Green flames burst from various points on the wrecked hull, signaling the ship was in its death throes. At the last possible moment, giant doors opened and a Sphere escaped from the ship and headed toward Earth. Seconds later the Borg cube blew apart in a terrible explosion, sending pieces of debris hurtling in every direction. The Federation starships sped away to safety, dodging and turning to avoid the wreckage. A few were impacted, though none experienced serious damage. The Borg Sphere continued to fly towards Earth. “Mr. Hawke, pursuit course – engage,” commanded Captain Picard. The Enterprise raced after the Sphere that still posed an imminent danger to the billions of people on the planet. Chronometric particles began emanating from the Sphere, creating a streaking white bow wave that spread into a massive twisting torus. “They’re creating a temporal vortex,” said Picard. “Time travel,” explained Commander Riker. “Quantum torpedo – fire!” ordered Picard. A white flash emanated from the Enterprise’s saucer section and shot towards the cube. As it approached the Sphere it hit the temporal wake and veered off course. It passed the Sphere and impacted the vortex, which instantly began radiating strange pastel colors. The sphere entered the vortex and vanished. “The Borg Sphere has passed through the vortex,” reported Lt Commander Data. “Analysis of their destination?” asked Picard. “I detect a large planet on the other side.” “We must follow them and stop them from assimilating the inhabitants of the planet,” said Picard. “Mr. Hawke, take us into the vortex.” The Enterprise entered the vortex, which collapsed behind it.... ~~~ “La-la-la!” sung Pinkie Pie as she bounced along the path that led to Ponyville, a large smile across her face. It was a truly beautiful day. Celestia’s brilliant sun shone overhead, spreading warmth throughout the land. A gentle wind blew through the trees, while birds sang happily from the gently swaying branches. The perfume of fields of flowers drifted on the breeze. She heard a strange noise as a flash caught her attention out of the corner of her eye. Turning, she saw two strange figures standing in the meadow. They were nothing like anything she’d ever seen. The creatures stood on two legs. They possessed strange black armor that bristled with wires and tubes and mechanical devices. The only skin she could see was the pale white of the face, though even this was partly obscured by a large eye-patch that produced a red beam of light. Pinkie Pie bounced over to the two. “Hello, I’m Pinkie Pie. What’s your names?” “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” “Hmm... Borg. Sounds Pommelranian. Ooo – you must be new around here.” She pulled a colorfully painted wagon from seemingly nowhere. She pushed a large red button and the top popped open, revealing horns and flags and kazoos and sweet treats. It started to play a little tune to which Pinkie Pie began singing and dancing: Welcome welcome welcome A fine welcome to you Welcome welcome welcome I say how do you do? Welcome welcome welcome I say hip hip hurray Welcome welcome welcome To Ponyville todaaaaaay! Ding! The oven on the wagon burst open shooting a stream of confetti over the two strangers. Sploosh! The kazoos shot a large amount of goo upwards, before hitting apogee and falling down, coating everyone in a sticky mess. “Oh, silly me! I must've put the confetti in the oven and the cake in the confetti cannons! Again! When will I ever learn?” Giggling, Pinkie Pie stepped forth clean from the cake batter and in one bite ate the whole thing. “Mmm, that’s good!” The two figures stepped forward. One grabbed her while the other one reached out, a spike protruding from its appendage. It impaled Pinkie Pie in the neck before the three beamed away. ~~~ The Enterprise emerged from the vortex. “Mr. Worf – quantum torpedo.” “Weapon systems are offline,” responded the Klingon. Turning to the con, Picard asked, “Mr. Data – position?” “Unknown Sir. Our present location matches no record in the stellar database.” “What can you tell us about the planet?” asked Riker. “It is a Class M planet. Sensors indicate it is emanating an unknown type of radiation.” “Explain?” enquired Picard. “The radiation bears a resemblance to that seen at Farpoint, but of a different phase and modulation.” “Source?” asked Riker. “There is no source. It appears to be a natural phenomenon of the planet.” “There will be plenty of time for investigating this world, but we have a mission here,” said Picard. “How long until we have weapon systems back?” “The temporal vortex buffeted the phaser banks. They will have to be realigned before they can be used. We have lost control of the torpedo system.” “Can we bypass it?” asked Picard. “We cannot bypass it here. Several conduits have been overloaded,” explained the android. “Bridge to engineering.” “Engineering here,” replied Chief Engineer La Forge. “I need torpedo control.” “Aye Sir. I will dispatch damage control teams to bypass the destroyed conduits.” Turning to the con, Picard continued, “Mr. Data. Is the planet inhabited?” “Unknown Sir. There are signs of an early industrialized civilization. I am detecting two Borg on the planet.” “Is the radiation harmful?” “I do not believe so, Sir.” Turning to Riker, Picard said, “Number One, take an away team to the surface.” Riker said, “Data, Counselor. Bridge to Sick Bay.” “Crusher here,” came a voice over the comm link. “We may need a doctor on an away mission.” “I will meet you in the transporter room.” Riker, Troi, and Data entered the turbolift. Picard turned to Riker. “We don’t know what we’re dealing with here. The Prime Directive still stands.” “Understood,” replied Riker. “Deck 4.” ~~~ A flash appeared, and four figures stood in a meadow. Drawing their phasers, they secured the area from any hostile Borg. The android pulled forth his tricorder and began scanning. “Were the sensors off?” asked Troi. “Scans indicate that the Borg were here, but they have departed.” “I’m picking up the radiation you mentioned,” said Doctor Crusher. “Is it hazardous?” asked Riker. “I don’t think so. Still, I’d like to run some scans when we return to the Enterprise.” “Sir, there is a village four kilometers southeast of here.” “Are the Borg there?” queried Riker. “Unknown. I suggest we move in that direction to look for any signs of the Borg.” “Agreed. Stay out of sight. We don’t want to violate the Prime Directive.” ~~~ Ponies moved about the market buying, selling, and trading all sorts of goods. In one stall a pale yellow pegasus with a raspberry mane sold a variety of beautiful flowers. In another stall, Carrot Top sold fresh produce... heads of lettuce... carrots... turnips... onions... cabbage. Maize proudly displayed bins overflowing with yellow sweet corn. At the far end of the market sat a large apple cart, staffed by the most honest pony in all of Equestria – Applejack. Suddenly a deathly quiet fell, with all eyes falling upon the figure entering the market. She was a pink pony, clad in black clothing and armor. The other ponies parted ways, allowing her to reach the center of the market. She addressed the masses, “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We will add your biological and technological distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” Suddenly the crowd began to laugh. “We are the Borg –” Cheerilee remarked, “Pinkie, you’re funny.” “Surrender yourself –” Lyra Heartstrings asked, “Pinkie, is that your Nightmare Night costume?” “We will add your biological and technological –” “I should hope not,” observed Rarity. “That is a ridiculous outfit.” “distinctiveness to our own. Your culture will adapt to service us. Resistance is futile.” Applejack walked up. “Say Pinkie, what are ya supposed to be anyways?” Pinkie reached forth and impaled Applejack in the neck. “Ah!” yelled Applejack, writhing in agony. Shock swept through the masses and ponies gasped at Pinkie’s action. Slowly the crowd began to step back from the two mares. Within a few moments, Applejack stood up, a blackness spreading through her bulging veins. Turning to the crowd, she started, “We are the Borg. Surrender yourself. We –” Before she could finish ponies were running screaming from the market. ~~~ The away team carefully surveyed the village. They had taken a vantage point on a hill overlooking the town below. Dozens of small simple structures populated the town, most bearing thatch roofs. A few buildings stood out with fantastical achitecture – a gingerbread house, a multi-tiered carosel shaped structure, a buidling that looked like a jester hat. Data turned to Commander Riker, “Sir, scans indicate the village has been overrun with the Borg.” “If we can’t contain the invasion here, this planet could fall.” Troi pointed to a large shimmering structure in the distance. “That looks like a castle, perhaps we will find their defense leadership there.” Data scanned with his tricorder. “I detect no Borg in that direction.” Riker said, “We’ll head that way. Watch out for the Borg. Riker to Enterpise.” “Go ahead Number One,” came Picard’s voice over the comm badge. “The Borg have established a foothold on the planet. We are moving to what we think is the government building.” “Understood. Assure the residents that we are here to help them in any way possible. Picard out.” Riker turned to the group, “Not the best circumstances to make first contact.” The four officers skirted the village, constantly keeping their tricorders scanning and their phasers at the ready. They approached the grand staircase that led to the castle. “Halt right there!” came a voice. Instantly the four were surrounded by two dozen ponies, some magically weilding swords. “Who are you?” demanded a pony in shining armor. “The horses are talking,” observed Crusher. “Fascinating,” responded Data. “We’re ponies,” replied the aggitated pony. “Are you with the invaders?” Riker spoke up, “No. We followed them through a temporal vortex. We are here to help in any way he can.” He eyed them suspiciously. “The princesses will decide if you are telling the truth.” He led them upstairs and into the castle. “Counselor?” asked Riker. “I sense they are frightened and suspicious, but they are willing to hear what we have to say,” explained Troi. “Sir?” asked Data to Riker. “Yes Data?” “I’m detecting high concentrations of the radiation coming from the ponies.” “My tricorder shows the same,” confirmed Crusher. “Your highnesses,” informed the pony, “these strangers say they are here to help us.” Two ponies with wings looked up from a map they’d been studying. One was tall, white, and had a sun symbol on her flank. The other was small and purple, with a stylized star on her flank. They trotted over to the away team. “Who are you?” asked the tall one. “I am Commander Riker of the Federation starship Enterprise. These are members of my crew,” he gestured to those around him, “Lt Commander Data... Counselor Troi... Doctor Crusher.” “I am Princess Celestia of Canterlot, and this is Princess Twilight Sparkle.” The purple pony spoke up, “Where are you from? Who are these invaders? What are they doing to everypony? What can –” A raised hoof from Celestia cut off her off. “We are from the United Federation of Planets located in the Alpha Quadrant. We followed the Borg here after they attached our planet.” “The Borg?” asked Twilight. Data spoke up, “The Borg is the designation of the species attacking your planet. They are cybernetic creatures with a collective intelligence. They assiminate other species against their will to gain their knowledge and expand their territory.” “Gain their knowledge,” mused Twilight. “Is there a way to stop them?” asked Celestia. Data continued, “The invasion must be stopped as soon as possible. They quickly adapt to any countermeasures.” “Pirncess Celestia?” spoke Twilight. “Yes Twilight?” “I think I know how to defeat them.” “You do?” “I’m going to befriend them.” “The Borg are not interested in friendship but conquest,” said Riker. “Princess Twilight has had much success in reforming our enemies. I will let her try,” said Celestia. “I will accompany you to your ship to confer with your leadership,” said Celestia. “Where is it?” “It’s in orbit above the planet,” explained Troi, causing Celestia to raise an eyebrow. “Riker to Enterprise.” “Go ahead Will,” came Picard’s voice. “One of the leaders would like to come to the Enterprise to coordinate the defense.” “Understood. We will beam them up.” “Beam?” questioned Celestia. “The transporter system converts matter-to-energy and back again, enabling transport from one location to another.” “It’s perfectly safe,” assured Crusher. “We have something like that here,” said Celestia, eliciting a confused reaction from the away team. “Riker to Enterprise, one to beam up.” Within seconds Celestia was gone. ~~~ Twilight approached an assimilated pony. It was herding a group of recently assimated townsfolk into a central collection area for beam up to the Sphere. “I have come to join you,” said Twilight. The pony turned to her and impaled her in the neck. ~~~ Picard had met hundreds of species, and made first contact with many of them. He had commanded three starships, losing two of them in battle. He had traveled time, faced death on countless occassions, and brokered galactic shaping negotiations. But nothing could have prepared him for this. Across the conference table sat a regal white unicorn, with large majestic wings, and a tiara on top. She had spoken to him about the Borg invasion to her land and how it might be stopped with friendship. “Bridge to Picard,” came a voice over the comm system. “Picard here,” he replied. “We are being hailed by the Borg.” “I’m on my way.” Turning to Celestia, he asked, “Won’t you accompany me?” The two left the staff room and entered the bridge. “On screen,” he ordered. Instantly the screen showed the inside of the Borg Sphere. In the foreground stood a purple unicorn, fully assimilated and covered with implants. Standing beside her was a female Borg, who had white oily skin but lacked the implants of other Borg. She addressed Captain Picard, “Hello. We came to this planet to assimilate its inhabitants and aquire its technology. We did not understand friendship. But by assimilating Princess Twilight Sparkle, all of us have learned the magic of friendship. We want to extend the hand of friendship to Equestria and the Federation.” Celestia gave a small smile. Twilight had put herself in the gravest of danger for what she believed. Now all creatures – ponies, humans, Borg – would live in peace in friendship. She could sense a new golden age for all. Picard spoke up, “Thank you for your kind words. They were truly good to hear. All I have to say is ‘Now Mr. Worf!’” Worf pushed a button on the tactical control. Instantly three white quantum torpedoes streaked across space and slammed into the Borg Sphere. It blew apart in a massive explosion that could be seen below in Ponyville. But most were focused on the Borg, who started short-circuiting and writing in pain before they collapsed and died. A horrified and shocked Celestia turned to Picard. “What did you do?” “I’ve saved your world and mine,” declared Picard.
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Cookie Thief"Hello?" called Pinkie Pie as she looked in the map room. But the crystal chairs sat empty around the silent map. Pinkie headed down the hall and poked her head into the library. "Anypony here?" she asked. Pinkie Pie kept moving about the castle, in an unsuccessful search for Twilight, Spike, and Starlight. Eventually she reached the kitchen. "Twilight? Spike? Are you here?" Nothing. She started to turn back to the door, when something caught her attention. She saw a small cookie jar sitting on the counter. Not having had anything sugary for at least half an hour, her mouth began to water. Slowly she crept over to the jar, the note before it giving her pause: Spike's Cookies Do Not Eat!!! Still, she craved something sugary. Nevermind her syrup-drenched pancakes, danish, and large glass of orange juice for breakfast. Forget her morning chocolate bars. Don't take into account her monster milkshake she had along with her hayburger. And ignore her cans of energy drinks that afternoon. She needed sugar!!! Carefully she removed the lid and stared in awe of the pile of scrumptious cookies, glistening with sugary goodness. She shouldn't! After all, they were Spike's. Still, would he miss a cookie? Just one cookie? And they were friends after all, weren't they? Aren't friends supposed to share? She removed one cookie, replacing the lid on the cookie jar. She examined the cookie. Not too small as to be unsatisfying. Not too big that it couldn't be eaten in a single bite. Molded by a true artist. Large chips filling every nook and cranny. Perfect in every respect. Pinkie shoved the cookie into her mouth with glee and began chewing.... Crunch! Crack! Suddenly in excruciating pain, she spit it out onto the counter. She took a closer look. Amongst the mush of the cookie were white pieces of teeth and chocolate diamond chips. TV Static
The Magic DuelTrixie stood there, dumbfounded. Even though she wielded the Alicorn Amulet, Twilight had been able to match her in every round. Twilight had performed age spells, gender spells, and even a spell to make Pinkie Pie be a one-pony band. Now, with her dictatorship on the line, Trixie needed something big. And not just powerful, a spell that would win the restless mobs to her side. She knew she had but one option. She focused all her magic and let out a powerful spell. Suddenly, all the buildings of Ponyville transformed into cases of Bud Light. Shouts of "Dilly! Dilly!" rang out, followed by cheers for Trixie. Twilight lowered her head in defeat. TV Static
Luna's LaboratoryLuna sat deep in the dungeons - former dungeons - below Canterlot. Since her - reappearance?... redemption?... return from exile?... salvation?... purge?... there were so many ways to describe it - she had found solace and happiness in her laboratory. Past the locked doors dwelled the smartest pony you've ever seen. She made Equestria-shattering discoveries and engineered the most amazing inventions. "Eureka!" She shouted and raised her forelegs in triumph. Her greatest creation was complete. This called for a celebration! She walked over to the fridge and pulled forth a special bottle she'd been saving for this special occasion. She opened it, poured it into a long-stem glass. Raising it up to her lips, she enjoyed the wonderful taste, feeling the bubbles tickle her throat. Ahhh. Nothing satisfied like root beer. "Oooooooo!!!!! What is this?" Luna spat out her drink. "P.P.!!! What are you doing here?" "Just visiting one of my best friends!" smiled Pinkie Pie. "You know you're not allowed here." "Aww," whined Pinkie. "Why?" "Well, let's see... there was the time you blew up my new reactor... the time you created a thousand clones of yourselves... the time you ate my special cookies and grew to be a thousand feet tall... the time you switched my brain with that of a mouse's.... Should I go on?" "Yes! All those times were super fun!" "For you maybe. Now P.P., you must leave. I'll show you the way out." Luna led Pinkie Pie through the lab, past machines of incredible wonder, boiling beakers over Bunsen burners, and devices with buzzing Tesla coils. Luna saw the front door, relieved at no mayhem today. Until.... "Ooo! What does this button do?" asked Pinkie Pie. "No!" shouted Luna as she lunged towards the pink pony, but it was too late. Pinkie Pie pushed the large red button moments before being tackled by Luna. Suddenly groans and cracks filled the air. "No! It's too late!" cried Luna before teleporting herself and Pinkie Pie out of the lab. Luna and Pinkie Pie stood outside, watching Canterlot slide down the mountain. "What did I do?" asked Pinkie Pie. "P.P., you turned off the anti-gravity drive for Canterlot." "Uh?" asked a confused Pinkie Pie. "You thought Canterlot was held up by a powerful spell or pegasus magic?" TV Static Author's Note A tribute to one of the best shows of my youth - Dexter's Laboratory! Have a great Saturday! Dreadnought
Say What? Dear Princess Celestia, This week, my very talented friend Rarity learned that if you try to please everypony, you often times end up pleasing nopony, especially yourself. And I learned this: when somepony offers to do you a favor, like making you a beautiful dress, you shouldn't be overly critical of something generously given to you. In other words, you shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth. - Your Faithful Student, Twilight Sparkle Princess Celestia lowered the scroll, muttering to herself, "'You shouldn't look a gift horse in the mouth?' What the hell is she talking about?" TV Static Author's Note Yeah - check out the friendship lesson from Suited for Success. Does anyone else think this is messed up? Dreadnought
MeetingPinkie Pie nervously shifted in her seat. Around her a dozen other ponies filled the conference room in Town Hall. Some talked, but many remained quiet. Finally, Bon Bon rose from her seat to address the assembled crowd. "Thank you for coming. Tonight we have a new member. Pinkie, would you like to speak?" Pinkie hesitantly stood up and looked into the expectant faces of everypony. "H-Hello. I'm Pinkie Pie and I'm a... a...." She shook her head as she finally admitted, "I'm a chocoholic." TV Static
BABSCon"Say Cheese!" Click! "Thank you!" gushed the little girl. "My pleasure," said Andrea Libman. "Have a good time at the con!" The little girl left, and Andrea took a seat for the next fan in the autograph line. A figure approached, wearing long pants, a heavy trenchcoat, a scarf, large sunglasses and an oversized hat. The figure slid a picture of Pinkie Pie forward. "You'd like an autograph?" The figure nodded. "Okay." A moment later the autograph was complete and the figure departed, skipping to soft cheers of "Fun! Fun! Fun!" *** "And that's how I got Andrea Libman's autograph," said Pinkie Pie proudly. "Oh, okay," said Fluttershy. "Pinkie?" "Yes?" "Who's Andrea Libman?" TV Static Author's Note Just a little something that occurred to me as I was sitting in a panel. Dreadnought
Allstate InsuranceDiscord lay on the stairs. "I'm a loose step on a darkened staircase." "Is somepony here?" called Starlight Glimmer from the second floor. "What happens when a bum who won't move out - " "Who's there?" " - comes down the stairs?" Starlight descended the staircase and suddenly tripped on the draconequus. "Whaa!!!" Thunk! Bang! Crack! Crrk! Starlight Glimmer lay unconscious at the bottom of the staircase, horn snapped in two, shoulder dislocated and leg broken. A bright purple glow came from the second floor. "What's going on?" yelled Twilight. Discord bolted through the front door of the castle and into the night. "If you have cut-rate insurance, you could be liable for these injuries. That's why you should get AllstateTM, so you can be protected from mayhem like me!" TV Static
My Little PokemonPikachu said, "Pika, Pika, Pika-chu." Spearow replied, "Spearow! Spearow! Spearow!!!" "Pika! Pika! Pika!" "SPEAROW! SPEAROW! SPEAROW!!!" "PIKA! PIKA! PIKA!!!" The two stared angrily at each other, until Squirtle put a paw upon Pikachu's shoulder. "Squirtle, squirtle." "Pika, Pika?" "Squirtle, squirtle." "Pika, pika, pika?" "Squirtle." "Pikachu," sighed Pikachu. Looking back up to Spearow, he said, "Pika, pika, pika." Spearow landed and wrapped the pikachu in a hug. "Spearow." "Pika, Pika." * Dear Princess Celestia, Today I learned a valuable lesson on friendship. One should listen before making judgements and give their friends the benefit of the doubt. Your faithful student, Pikachu
Royal Wedding19 May 2018 "Do you, Prince Harry, take Meghan Markle to be your lawfully wedded wife?" "I do." "And do you, Meghan Markle, take Prince Harry to be your lawfully wedded husband?" "I do." "I know pronounce you husband and wife. You may kiss the bride." * Princess Cadence muted the television then turned to Shining Armor. "See. Not all royal weddings are disasters." TV Static
Things Not To Say To Fluttershy"FLUTTERSHY CAN'T HARDLY FLY!" "Rabbit tastes really good." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Iron Will." "I've booked you as the opening act for Sapphire Shores's world tour." "I like Valley-girl Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I like Goth Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I like Alternate Fluttershy. Can you be like that all the time?" "I'll sell you a cherry for fifty bits." "You've been made the official ambassador to the Dragon Lands." "Fruitbat roundup, fruitbat roundup!" "Shots! Shots! Shots!" "Why can't you be more like your brother?" Author's Note I've had rabbit before, on Easter Sunday no less. Mighty tasty. Oh course anything tastes good when you're out in the woods starving during survival training.
Fairly Oddparents"!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!FAIRY*GODPARENTS!!!" Timmy Turner jumped around the corner, panting heavily. "Mr. Crocker -wheeze- is really going nuts today!" "I've never seen him this bad before," agreed Wanda, disguised as a pink pencil. Without thinking, Timmy said, "I wish he would go away for awhile." Cosmo and Wanda held up their wands. *POOF* One Week Later... "School was great today," said Timmy. "Yeah, ever since you wished Mr. Crocker away," said Cosmo. "I feel kinda bad about that. Maybe I should bring him back." "Are you sure?" asked Wanda. "Your life has been much better since he went away." "But he could be in a terrible place. I wish Mr. Crocker was back." The two fairies held up their wands. *POOF* Mr. Crocker appeared before Timmy. "Turner, I should have known. I was transported away to a far away land. I suspect it was due to magical creatures." "Fairies?" "PONIES!!!PONIES!!!PONIES!!!" Author's Note Haven't watched this show in a long time, but this idea hit me the other day.
The Answer"Twilight?" called Applejack. Nothing. "Twilight, Ah'm here with your weekly delivery of apples!" Still nothing. The castle was eerily deserted. Applejack dropped a sack of apples off in the kitchen. "Where could she be? It's not like her to leave the castle unattended," she wondered. Applejack wandered the hallways looking for her friend. Finally, she came to the library, which really she should have checked first, for hunched over a table was Twilight. Her head lay on a stack of books, drool coming from the corner of her mouth and saturating the parchment on which she had been working. With every snore her wings twitched a little, and occasionally her horn would momentarily bear a faint glow. Applejack couldn't help but smile. It was so cute. The scene reminded her of times when Apple Bloom would fall asleep while planning crusades for her cutie mark. Turning towards the door, she stopped. She knew Twilight would be upset that her drool was ruining her hard work. Applejack walked over and gathered up the parchment, glancing down at the work. "Huh," she muttered to herself. Well, best to help a friend out. Applejack borrowed a quill and scribbled the answer. Suddenly her vision was filled with a bright orange light and she felt herself torn apart.... Applejack stood on a cloud, staring up at a starry sky. It was like something from a long forgotten dream. In the distance a shape approached. Its blurry form slowly cleared to reveal Princess Celestia. Applejack bowed, "Princess." "There's no need for that," chuckled Celestia. Applejack stood upright. "What's going on?" she asked, rubbing her head. "You're one of the few ponies to come here. It's a very special place." "Where are we?" "It's the magical plane. It's where Twilight came before she ascended." "But why am Ah here?" Princess Celestia paused. "I'm not sure. What were you doing before you teleported?" "Well, Ah was in the library, and there was this scroll Twilight was workin' on. Ah knew the answer so I wrote it down." "Awe, I see. That was a special project I had given Twilight. Ponies since the beginning of time have been looking for the answer." "Really?" "Yes. And by finding the answer, you have done discovered something that not even the great Starswirl The Bearded could find. For this, you will be rewarded." Applejack shifted uneasily. "Does that mean what Ah think it means." Celestia nodded. "Yes, you will be returned to Ponyville, but not as the earth pony you once were. You've ascended to become an alicorn - Equestria's newest princess." Shaking her head, she said, "Ah don't believe it." "You've come such a long way Applejack. Your destiny awaits. But, before you transform, tell me: What is the answer?" "The answer?" "The answer to the greatest question of them all." "Uh - well...." "There's no need to be humble, Applejack. You can tell me." "Well, okay then." Princess Celestia leaned forward in anticipation. "Forty-two." Celestia blinked. "Come again?" "Forty-two." TV STATIC Author's Note It's a milestone! I've officially hit 10,000 words on this story! Thanks for reading! And yes, the answer is a nod to "The Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy." Dreadnought Shameless plug: New story!!! When Worlds Collide...
Things Not To Say To Rainbow Dash"Didn't you hear? There was an apple blight, so there won't be any cider this year." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Zephyr Breeze." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Quibble Pants." "Turtles suck." "What are the 'Wonderbolts?'" "Have a pie!" "Chicken!" "You're so not cool." "So, are you secretly Scootaloo's mother?" "Daring Do books suck!" TV STATIC
Nobel PrizeOn the television: "...And so, the Nobel Prize for Literature goes to... SuperMegaBrony12 for elevating the art of fan fiction writing." Sitting at the bar, Willie put down his beer and turned to Joe, "You've got to be kidding me!" "Well, they did give it to Bob Dylan," retorted Joe. TV Static Author's Note With the Nobel Prizes being announced, this chapter seemed appropriate. Only, I've found out that there will be no Prize for Literature this year. Oh well, I didn't want to wait till next year. Besides, who knows? They've chosen some strange laureates in the past! Dreadnught
Fall Formal CleanupTwilight Sparkle surveyed the damage to the Canterlot High School gymnasium. "I know it seems impossible, but, maybe if we all work together?" "Now that's the kinda can-do spirit I'm lookin' for in a Fall Formal Princess! Let's do it, y'all!" exclaimed Applejack. "And I know the perfect motivation," said Twilight. "What?" Five minutes later, everyone was chanting: "Sweep! Sweep! Sweep!" TV STATIC
Things not to say to Pinkie PieThings no one should ever say to Pinkie Pie: "I like you better when you're depressed." "You are not, and will never be, my friend." "♫Come on everypony frown, frown frown, Fill your heart up with sadness, sadness ♫." "Isn't Smile HD the greatest video ever!!!" "In my fan fiction, you're shipped with Zesty Gourmand." "In my fan fiction, you're shipped with Mudbriar." "You know when Gummy grows up, he's going to eat you?" "Laughter? What kind of Element is that?" "You don't look like any other members of your family. Are you adopted?" "Yaks are terrible!" "Your yovidaphone playing sucks!!!" "I just bought Sugarcube Corner, and... You're Fired!!!" "You just drank the silence water from the Kirin village." "Didn't you hear? There was an apple blight, so there won't be any cider this year." "Your pies suck!" "You need to cut down on your sugar consumption." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but all of your teeth have cavities." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have been diagnosed with Type II diabetes." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have been diagnosed with manic-depressive disorder." "I'm sorry to tell you this, but we're having you committed." TV STATIC Author's Note Well, I finally finished up the Main 6. Hope you enjoyed the sketches! Dreadnought
The Offer... "Aw, that was a really sweet story - until the end," said Trixie. Thorax sighed, "I know Pharynx loved me in his own way, and I know there's still good in him." Haaaa-Hsssss. Haaaa-Hsssss. A black figure rose up from behind Thorax. "Pharynx!" cried Thorax. "If you only knew the power of the dark side. Come, join me, and we can rule Equestria as brothers!" TV Static
Briddle Gossip - Alternate EndingLotus Blossom said, "Miss Zecora, I would love to get the recipe for this bath. It's simply luxurious!" Looking around, Apple Bloom asked, "Applejack! Hey, where's Applejack?!" Everyone gasped as they held their breathes. Zecorra stood up and looked behind her, quickly frowning. "Little Apple Bloom, you know what? I seem to have squashed her with my butt." TV STATIC
History LessonAt an elementary school, a short first-grader stood before his class. He gazed out upon the eyes upon him. "Go on, present your history lesson," encouraged his teacher. The little boy swallowed, then said: "For want of the nail, the horseshoe was lost. For want of the horseshoe, the horse was lost. For want of the horse, the rider was lost. For want of the rider, the message was lost. For want of the message, the battle was lost. For the loss of the battle, the war was lost." The teacher clapped her hooves together. "Very good, very good," she said, moving a few stray strands of her mane out of her face. Meanwhile, in Equestria: At an elementary school, a timid first-grader stood before his class. He gazed out upon the eyes upon him. "Go on," encouraged Cheerilee. The colt began: "Agent 99 bucked her rider. For want of the rider, the message was lost. For want of the message, the battle was lost. For the loss of the battle, Equestria conquered Earth. Agent 99 was awarded a Hero of Equestria medal." "Outstanding!" the teacher praised. TV STATIC
Look Before You Sleep - Alternate Ending 2Rarity turned to Applejack, "Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed." The earth pony retorted, "My hooves ain't muddy." "They were. There might still be a little on them." "There ain't. See?" Applejack shoved her hooves in Rarity's face. "Eww!" cried Rarity. She rolled over and took the blanket for herself. "Now who's bein' inconsiderate?" demanded Applejack, yanking the blanket back. Rarity slid off the bed and onto the floor. "I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up!" She shoved Applejack off the bed. "Hey!" Rarity remade the bed, tucking in and smoothing the sheets. Just as her friend was about to climb in, Rarity stopped her. "Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this." The unicorn carefully slid between the sheets. Taken aback, Applejack said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Geronimo!" she yelled as she leapt onto the bed and took the blanket. "Hey! " Applejack let out a satisfied sigh. "You did that on purpose!" "Um, yeah?" "Get up so I can fix it again," demanded Rarity. "Can't hear ya, I'm asleep." Applejack pretended to snore. Grabbing the blanket in her mouth, Rarity yanked it back. "I ain't budgin'," declared Applejack. "You will if you want any blankets," muttered Rarity through teeth clenched around the blanket. The two began a tug of war over the blanket. "Enough!" yelled Twilight. "I'm going to use a sleeping spell so I can get a descent night's rest." Lighting her horn, she became enveloped in an aura, before letting out a loud yawn and blissfully falling to sleep. ~~~ Twilight felt the warmth of the sun on her face and opened her eyes. She smiled at the restful sleep she had experienced the night before. She really didn't like using sleeping spells, but she couldn't argue with the results. What a great night's sleep! She felt so refreshed and energetic. About to sit up, she froze as she heard the voices from across the room. "How'da like last night?" whispered Applejack. "It was wonderful. The most romantic night of my life," whispered Rarity. "Really?" "Yes, darling. And you know what?" "What?" "I like how the cowpony rides." Applejack giggled loudly. "Shhh!!! We don't want to wake Twilight up." "Pa-leze. If she didn't wake up during our five hours of wrestling, nothin' will wake her up...." TV Static
New Business ModelKnock! Knock! Knock! The door opened to reveal two unicorn stallions in striped shirts and straw hats. "Miss Vinyl Scratch?" asked the one with a moustache. She nodded her head. "I'm Flam and this is my brother Flim. We're here to do a free septic tank cleaning." Knock! Knock! Knock! The door opened. "Flim and Flam I see," noted Rarity. "What do you want." "We're giving free septic tank cleanings," said Flam. In a remarkable imitation of Applejack, Rarity raised her eyebrow. "I assure you it's completely free." Knock! Knock! Knock! The door opened. "Flim and Flam," said Twilight icily. "We're here for a free septic tank cleaning," said Flim. "What are you two up to?" she asked. The next day...
Movin' OutAt Hasbro Headquarters: "Hmm...," thought the executive. "My Little Pony merchandise sales are down." "How about a new playset?" suggested another. In Season 9: Pinkie Pie threw a trunk into the awaiting cart. Applejack and Twilight walked up. "What'cha doin' Pinkie Pie?" asked the cowpony. "Moving out," responded Pinkie. "Why?" asked Twilight. "I have no idea. But I'm getting my own super-doper house here in Ponyville!" TV STATIC
HackAt a secret government facility: "I did it!" yelled the technician. "What?" asked the supervisor. "The ultimate hack!" "Really!?" "Yes!" "Russia?" "No." "China?" "No." "North Korea?" "No." "Iran?" "No." "Who then?" "Hasbro." "Hasbro?" confirmed the supervisor. "Yes." "Why would you hack Hasbro?" "My Little Pony Season 9." "You used government resources to hack Hasbro to get My Little Pony Season 9?" "Uh... yes?" "I won't report this as long as you burn me a copy." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 1As the Jeep came to a stop, Dr. Grant gazed absently out of the side of the vehicle. His mouth fell open and he stood up. "This plant isn't possible," commented Dr. Sattler. She felt a hand on her head twist her neck. Seeing the sight before her, she also stood up in the Jeep. In the distance an orange mare with a blonde mane and Stetson arranged baskets beneath an apple tree. "It's - it's a pony," Dr. Grant said. "He did it. The crazy son-of-a-bitch did it," remarked Dr. Malcolm. Bam! The mare bucked the tree and apples fell down. "Are they intelligent? Can they talk. How magical are they?" sputtered Dr. Grant. "Well, the draconequus can bend reality," replied Hammond. "You have a draconequus!" exclaimed Dr. Grant. "We have a draconequus," repeated Hammond. As Dr. Grant sat down on the grass in shock, Hammond continued, "My dear Dr. Grant, welcome to Pony Park." Dr. Grant gazed off into the distance and noted, "They move in herds. They do move in herds." TV STATIC Author's Note I've seen Jurassic Park way too many times. Sorry I haven't been active lately - military training. 'nuff said. Dreadnought
TrumpNine o'clock, 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue... "Good evening Mister President," greeted the Secret Service agent as his boss walked down the hall. "I want to be alone for the rest of the night," said President Trump. "Yes, sir." Without another word, Trump entered his bedroom and shut the door behind him.... Trump gazed out the window and reflected.... Losing the popular vote. Winning the electoral college. Michael Flynn. Midnight tweets. Rex Tillerson. The Muller Investigation. Pulling out of the Paris Climate Accord. James Comey. Steve Bannon. Saturday Night Live. Mike Pompeo. Jeff Sessions. Afternoon tweets. Neil Gorsuch. Trump Tower. Pulling out of the Trans-Pacific Partnership. William Barr. Ryan Zinke. Talks with North Korea. Divided government. General Mattis. The Democrats in power. Trade war with China. Brett Kavanaugh. Morning tweets. Tax cuts. Massive rallies. National emergency. NAFTA replaced. Yes, chaos had expanded in two years. He slipped a smile before letting out a large yawn. Trump turned to his bed and removed his clothes. He paused for a moment before taking off his suit. He stretched his mismatched pair of wings before climbing into bed. Quickly he scribbled a short note: Dear Fluttershy, My new job has kept me extremely busy. I will be in Ponyville next week and would like to meet for tea. Discord
Pony Park - Part 2"Actually they can't breed in the wild. Population control is one of our safety features," explained Dr. Wu. "There's no unauthorized breeding in Pony Park." "How do you know they can't breed?" asked Malcolm. "Because all the creatures in Pony Park are female. We've engineered them that way." "But again, how do you know they're all female?" "It's really not that difficult. Most of the characters are already female. We simply don't clone the male figures." "John the kind of control you're attempting is not possible. Life will not be contained - life will find a way." "You're proposing that a herd of mares will... breed?" asked Dr. Wu. "Does 'magical, talking pony' mean anything to you?" countered Malcolm. TV STATIC
Rock StarMaud Pie held the note for a long time before it faded away. "Wow, I didn't know you could play like that!" exclaimed Starlight. "I was the lead guitarist for a rock band," remarked Maud. "Which one?" "The Rolling Stones." "Figures." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 3Looking down at the bundle of adorable fur in his hands, Dr. Grant asked, "What character is this?" Dr. Wu replied, "Nightmare Moon." "You bred Nightmare Moon?" confirmed Dr. Grant. TV STATIC
DinnerAnon sat around a table, surrounded by ponies. Mouthwatering smells wafted in from the kitchen. His stomach growled in anticipation. A unicorn walked in, levitating a large platter overflowing with food. "I hope you're hungry," she said. Anon declared, "I'm so hungry I could eat a horse!" The platter smashed upon the floor. Mares drinking from their glasses dropped them, followed by the sounds of shattering glass. Off in the distance, a foal let out a loud cry. Anon shuffled uneasily in his seat. TV STATIC Author's Note Maybe cliche, but still funny.
Pony Park - Part 4Climbing the stairs, Malcolm turned to Dr. Grant, "So, what do you think?" "I think we're out of jobs." "Don't you mean cancelled?" TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 5Dr. Grant stood before the enclosure as a large sack was lifted off the ground. "What are they doing?" he asked. "Supplying them," replied Hammond. The sack was lowered into the enclosure. Within moments the foliage shook as disturbing sounds came from below.... "Fabulous." "Gems!" "Darling." "They should all be destroyed," said a stranger. "Robert Muldoon, our game warden," introduced Hammond. "They're dangerous," he said. "Dangerous?" questioned Dr. Grant. "That's why we have to supply them like this. Before, they used to go after our suppliers, attempting to get their measurements and dress them in new clothes." TV STATIC Author's Note This story is mostly original (as much as a parody can be). But I did take inspiration from the "VelociRarities" in:
Pony Park - Part 6Author's Note Note: This is the third chapter I published today. Be sure to check the others out! Pony Park - Part 6 Tim smiled up at Dr. Grant, "I read your book." "Well, that's - great." "Do you really think pegasi turned into bat ponies?" Dr. Grant climbed into the Explorer. "They share many of the characteristics of pegasi." Tim climbed into the seat next to him. "We've only seen bat ponies on a few occasions. In the episode Luna Eclipsed they pulled her chariot. And in - " Dr. Grant exited the Explorer followed by Tim. "- the Cutie Re-Mark they show up in an alternate timeline." Dr. Grant leaned down. "Listen - uh...." "Tim." "Which car were you planning on riding in?" "Whichever one you are." Dr. Grant walked towards the first Explorer. Tim continued, "They are all over the fanfiction. And there's another guy - " Dr. Grant opened the door. Tim climbed in, but never ceased to talk, "- that says they're not really a separate tribe, but just pegasi under magic. And then - " Dr. Grant slammed the door and walked back towards the second Explorer. TV STATIC
Things not to say to Princess LunaThings no one should ever say to Princess Luna: "If you and Celestia are such great sisters, how come you never compete together at the Sisterhooves Social?" "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Celestia." "All hail Nightmare Moon!" "Me? I'm Cobb. I'm here to do inception." "Remember the Tantabus?" "I can't hear you. Can you use the Royal Canterlot Voice?" "All the children are afraid of you." "Let me show you the true power of the Elements of Harmony." "I bet you're scared of the dark." "All hail Daybreaker!" "Insomnia is great. It means you'll never get a chance to invade my dreams." "You were in my dream last night. You weren't wearing anything as you laid in my bed. Then you - You know what? Forget I said that." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 7Dr. Grant hopped from the moving Explorer. "See? See? I'm right again," boasted Malcolm. "No one could have predicted that Dr. Grant would jump out of a moving vehicle." Dr. Sattler followed after Grant. "And there's another example. See now I'm by myself, talking to myself. That's - that's chaos." Dr. Grant led the party out into the field. Suddenly they were met by a large, white pony prostrate upon the ground. The group moved about examining the pony. "Celestia was my favorite as a kid, now she's the most beautiful thing I've ever seen," noted Dr. Grant. "She's not feeling well," stated the park veterinarian. "I think it's something to do with her magic." "The only way to be sure is to look at her droppings," said Dr. Sattler. … Malcolm moved about the droppings. "That is one big pile of shit." "You mean manure?" asked Dr. Sattler. TV STATIC Author's Note After reading Jphyper's comment I knew I had to include this. Credit where credit is due!
In BedBig Mac rolled over and laid next to Rainbow Dash. He had a huge smile on his face and smiled in contentment. "That was great," he boasted. "Yeah," said Rainbow Dash passively. "What's a matter? We've been lookin' forward to tonight all week." "It was good, just... did it have to be ten seconds flat?" TV STATIC
In Bed - Part IIAuthor's Note Be sure to read the previous chapter! In Bed - Part II "So ya sayin' that you didn't enjoy tonight?" asked Big Mac. "No, it's just..." Rainbow Dash trailed off. "What?" "It needed to be - I don't know - twenty percent cooler." TV STATIC
Things not to say to Princess CadenceThings no one should ever say to Princess Cadence: "Shining Armor is just a trophy husband, isn't he?" "Who's Flurry Heart's real father?" "In my fanfic you're shipped with Chrysalis." "In my fanfic you're shipped with Tirek." "What is it you'd say you do around here?" "If you're the Princess of Love, then why are all your friends single?" "Princess of Love? More like Princess of Kinky." "Chrysalis made a better Princess Cadence." "All hail King Sombra!" "I hate pink." "I read a book about you and Shining Armor. It was called Fifty Shades of Neigh." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 9Snap! Snap! Snap! Snap! One by one the wires of the electrical fence broke. The large dragon stepped out from it's enclosure and let out a deafening roar. "Keep absolutely still," commanded Grant. "Its vision is based on movement." The dragon paused and said, "Yes, but my hearing is perfectly good." TV STATIC
Units of measurement1 bigmac = 2 applejacks = 10 appleblooms = 100 twilights = 200 sweeties = 1000 fluttershys = 80 horsepower = 59656 watts TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 10Hammond sat alone at the large table, eating ice cream. Dr. Sattler sat down across from him. "They were all melting," he explained. After a long pause, he continued, "I wanted to show them something real... something not devoid of merit." "But you can't think through this John, you have to feel it." Hammond chuckled. "You're right. You're absolutely right. Now Generation 5 will be better." "But the fans love Generation 4. I didn't have enough respect for the power of the fans, but it's out now." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 11"I can see the shed from here. We can make it if we run," said Dr. Sattler. "No, we can't," countered Muldoon. "Why not?" "Because we're being hunted." "Oh God." "In the bushes, straight ahead." Off in the distance there was a flash of purple. "It's alright," he assured. "Like hell it is." "Run. Towards the shed. I got her." He turned to Dr. Sattler and commanded, "Go. Now!" Ellie took off towards the maintenance shed. Meanwhile Muldoon moved deeper into the jungle. He came to a fallen tree and gently sat his hat upon the trunk. He expanded the stock of his rifle and set his sights for the pony in the distance. His finger pulling on the trigger, the bush beside him shook and a pony emerged. "Clever girl," remarked Muldoon. He turned his gun towards the pony and suddenly was enveloped in a magical aura. "I'm going to make you fabulous!" declared the unicorn as she ripped off his clothes and levitated a new suit in her aura. TV STATIC Author's Note Wow! A thousand views on this rambling collection of sketches! Dreadnought
Pony Park - Chapter 12Tim dug into a large piece of cake, trying to satiate his hunger. Smiling, he looked up to his sister. Lex had a look of horror on her face as the jello on her spoon shook violently. Turning around, he saw the silhouette of a unicorn. The two rushed into the kitchen, shutting the door and taking shelter behind a counter. The doorknob turned and the door swung open. "It's inside," whispered a terrified Lex. "I found it!" called the unicorn. Lex peeked over the counter towards the two unicorn fillies, who were busying themselves in the kitchen. Both were white and had pinkish-purplish manes and blank flanks. One was messing with a toaster while another was pouring soup into a saucepan. "Follow me," commanded Lex. The siblings silently crawled on the floor toward the exit. Suddenly bits of flaming soup began erupting from the pan, and Tim took cover behind a counter. He unknowingly knocked a ladle onto the floor. Clunk! "What was that?" asked the first Sweetie. Lex motioned for Tim to follow her, but he was frozen with terror. The Sweeties began searching the kitchen. Tap!Tap!Tap! The Sweeties looked and saw a girl. "Taste tester!" cried the big one. She rushed toward the terrified girl, only to slam into the reflection of a stainless steel cabinet. With confusion reigning, Tim made a break for the open freezer. Brandishing a glass filled with grey slime, the other Sweetie cried, "Try my toast!" She raced after the boy. The two entered the freezer and slipped on the floor. Sweetie slid into a rack and boxes of defrosting food fell on her. After a moment, Tim scrambled to his feet and slammed the door shut and locked the Sweetie inside. The siblings raced for the exit as the big Sweetie shook off her stupor. TV STATIC
Federation membershipCaptain Picard rose from his chair behind his desk. "Greetings, Princess Celestia." Princess Celestia walked through the door. "Captain Picard, so good to see you." Picard motioned to the chair, "Please, have a seat." "Thank you," she said, taking a spot on the couch. Picard chose a seat opposite her. "How are things in Equestria?" "Good, good. It's springtime in Equestria, which is always very nice." "I'm glad to hear that." An awkward silence fell over the room. "Captain, I came to find out the status on our application for Federation membership." "I was afraid you would want to know." "Is something the matter?" "I'm afraid that the Federation Council has rejected your application." "Rejected?" asked a shocked Celestia. "Yes, Princess." "May I ask why?" "Well several reasons. First, your world is not yet united. These are various competing nations. If we admitted Equestria, we'd be taking sides in an intraplanetary dispute. Then there's the fact that Equestria is a monarchy. We strive for democracy in the Federation. The Council was also disturbed that citizens are required to work in fields that are chosen for them. We believe that everyone should be able to chose their own line of work, not what is shown on their flank. Finally, we take civilizations that are at least warp capable. Though you managed to send your sister to the moon, you have yet to even achieve true spaceflight. I'm afraid it will be a long time until you would be accepted into the Federation." "I see." Celestia thought for a moment before rising from her seat. "Perhaps we should join the Dominion." "The Dominion?" asked a startled Captain Picard. "Yes, they've just accepted the Cardassian Union, I'm sure that they will accept us." "Uh, I'm sure we can work something out." TV STATIC
Pony Park - Part 13Dr. Grant and Dr. Sattler helped Lex and Tim from the rubble to their feet. They moved towards the door when a changeling blocked their exit. They backed up and realized there was another changeling behind them. The two changelings closed in and lit their horns, ready to strike. Suddenly a blast of magical energy hit the one changeling. The second turned towards the intruder and lunged. The two engaged in a vicious fight. Dr. Grant and the other three made a break for the exit to an awaiting Jeep. The changeling was hurtled across the room and slammed into a wall. Tirek let out a cry of victory while a banner fluttered down, proclaiming "Friendship is Magic." TV STATIC Author's Note I hate moving!
FugitiveApplejack raced to the end of the tunnel. Beyond was empty sky, with the massive dam spillway below. "Hold it!" came a voice from behind. Applejack spun in place and saw an irate pink pony blocking her escape. "I didn't break a Pinkie Promise!" declared Applejack. "I don't care!" responded Pinkie Pie. "You're coming with me!" Applejack paused for a moment before leaping off the dam. TV STATIC Author's Note For those of you who need a refresher:
PlottingTwilight sighed. Her carefully laid plans had failed. Again. Oh! When would she find victory!? "Come Pinkie," she said, "we have to prepare for tomorrow night." "What are we doing tomorrow night Twi?" said the bouncing pink pony. "The same thing we do every night Pinkie: try to take over the world!" ♪ #Insert copyrighted song here# ♫ TV STATIC
Wedding CrashersBerry Punch gave a wry smile. "Do you know what season it is?" "Wedding season!" cheered White Lightning. "Yes!" "Which ones should we crash?" asked White Lightning. "The ones with open bars!" TV STATIC
TicketPinkie Pie walked into the convenience store. She made her way to the kiosk and drew a card. "Lets see," she mused. "1... 2... 3... 4-" Suddenly she began bouncing wildly. "Wow, that was a doozy." She marked the number four. "5... 6... 7... 8... 9-" She bounced wildly again. She marked the number nine. "10... 11-" She bounced again and marked the number. "12... 13... 14... 15... 16-" She bounced then marked the number. "17... 18... 19-" She bounced before marking the number. "20... 21... 22... 23... 24... 25-" She bounced wildly again. She turned and walked to the counter. The overweight pony looked down at the pink pony. "Can I help you?" "Yes indeedy. I'd like one lotto ticket with numbers 4, 9, 11, 16, 19 and 25." TV STATIC
Currency1 bit coin is known as a "Flurry" 5 bit coin is known as a "Twilight" 10 bit coin is known as a "Cadance" 20 bit coin is known as a "Luna" 50 bit coin is known as a "Celestia" 100 bit coin is known as a "Platinum" -1 bit coin is known as a "Puddinghead" TV STATIC Author's Note On my way to my new unit!
Text MessagesApplejack: "hey won't be at CHS tomorrow." Sunset: "?" Applejack: "funeral." Sunset: "LOL" Applejack: "?" Sunset: "LOL" Applejack: "are u making fun of me :-(" Sunset: "No. Why?" Applejack: "LOL" Sunset: "So?" Applejack: "Laughing out loud" Sunset: "Oh" Sunset: "I thought it was lots of love." Applejack: "y'all need to work on yer texting" TV STATIC Author's Note This is a real thing. It has happened. Fortunately not by me.
Oracle"The oracle is in there," said Morpheus, pointing towards the kitchen. Neo stepped towards the open door. Morpheus cautioned, "Just, know... she's not what you'd expect." Neo nodded and entered the kitchen. He stopped dead in his tracks and his eyes went wide. The zebra looked up and smiled. "Your eyes do not deceive. I am truly what you perceive." TV STATIC
Apple Stand III"...Or could Ah sell ya some candy apples?" suggested Applejack. TV STATIC Author's Note Back on the ferry.
The Apple Business"Seat's taken." "Taken." The man found a seat. The companion sharing his seat addressed him: " 'ave you ever been to a real apple orchard?" "No, but Ah've been to a farm," the man replied. "Ah'm takin' 'bout a real apple orchard. Ah've worked there all mah life." She introduced herself, "Ah'm Heather Nicole Jacqueline Apple. Folks call me 'Applejack', like one of them rednecks. Can ya believe that?" "Mah name's Forest Gump. People call me 'Forest Gump'." "Ah know everythin' there is to know 'bout the apple business. Matter of fact, Ah'm goin' into the apple business mahself afta Ah get outta the Army." "Okay." The pair worked their M-16s: Applejack started, "Ya can do many things wit apples. Ya can eat 'em raw, bake 'em, broil 'em. There's apple pie, apple strudel, apple jam, apple jelly, apple butter..." The two polished their boots: "...apple juice, apple cider, apple tea, apple sauce..." The two wiped down the floor: "...apple danishes, apple brandy, apple ale, apple coleslaw..." The two peeled potatoes for KP duty: "...apple turnovers, Dutch apple pie, apple cheesecake..." The two ran in formation: "...apple pancakes, apple fritters, apple biscuits..." The two sat at the dining facility: "...apple bisque, candy apples, caramel apples, apple tarts..." The two made their beds: "...apple ice cream. That's it.... ... ...Apple bread, apple soup, apple hash...." TV STATIC Author's Note Pop the champagne! My 100th chapter! For those who don't get the reference:
Red BullStarlight locked the door. She turned to the table in her room and the six pack sitting on it. If she was right, this would change everything. Ten minutes later... "Who-Hoo!" cried Starlight as she flew over Ponyville. Applejack looked up in the sky. "Is that Starlight?" "Yes sir-ree!" responded Pinkie Pie. "Ah guess Red BullTM really does give you wings." "Or M. A. Larson." TV STATIC Author's Note Arrived safe and sound at my new unit.
HorseshoesPinkie Pie bounced down the main street of Ponyville. Crack! A flowerpot from above hit the ground just behind her. Crunk! A chair hit the ground a second after Pinkie Pie bounced out of the way. Wham! A piano slammed into the ground, barely missing her. Thunk! An anvil plowed into the road where Pinkie Pie had just been. Rainbow swooped down as Applejack raced to the pink pony. "Pinkie, are y'all all right?" asked the cowpony. "Pinkie, you almost got hit by the stuff falling from that aerial moving van," cried the Pegasus. Pinkie looked behind her. "Wow, that was close. Thankfully I have a lucky horseshoe." "You have a lucky horseshoe?" confirmed Applejack. "Eyup. In fact," she said, sitting down on her haunches and raising her hooves, "I have four." TV STATIC
Horseshoes II"Well, it's a good thing y'all had them lucky horseshoes," said Applejack. Wham! A sofa crushed Pinkie Pie. "Too bad she wasn't wearing five," noted Rainbow Dash dryly. TV STATIC
Apollo 11Neil Armstrong reached the bottom of the lander. He took a deep breath and stepped off onto the moon. "That's one small step for man, one giant - why is there a pony here?" A dark alicorn in black armor and slotted green eyes made her way towards the astronaut. Meanwhile, in mission control, technicians were scrambling. "Cut the feed!" NASA Administrator turned to his deputy, "Great, now the whole world knows we're not alone. I knew we should have faked the moon landings!" TV STATIC
Buyer BewareThe devastation at Mount Aris was complete. No one had been left alive. All the buildings had been destroyed. The fields and orchards had burned. What had happened? The ponies were startled when a creature appeared before them. "Hello," he said. "You look like you are in need of defense like the hippogriffs. Would you like to buy the most advanced weapons system ever devised: the Echo Papa 607?" TV STATIC
TrialHarry Potter ducked behind a boulder, holding his breath. He knew that the first challenge of the Triwizard Tournament was supposed to be near impossible, deadly even. Slowly he moved around the boulder and came face to face with the beasts. They stood there, the three of them - an orange pegasus, a white unicorn, and a yellow earth pony with a bow. They stared back, with puppy-dog eyes and quivering lower lips. Harry steeled himself and drew his wand.... TV STATIC Author's Note If you don't like this, blame Dell. I had a much longer draft but the computer crashed and it was lost. Dreadnought
New Cars IIRainbow Dash visibly sweated. A figure knocked on her window, and she rolled it down. "Is - is there a problem officer?" "Do you know what the speed limit is in Canterlot?" asked the police unicorn. "Um - no." "Ten miles per hour." "Oh." "Do you know how fast you were going?" "Er -" "Sixty," he supplied. "Uh." "I'm going to need to see your license and registration." "Okay." She reached for the glove compartment before turning to the officer. "Wait - are there driver's licenses for here in Equestria?" TV STATIC Author's Note 50 likes! Hmm.... I wonder if they clicked the thumbs up by mistake. :-)
New Cars IIIBang! The judge set his gavel aside. "And so, for driving without a license, I'm sentencing you to jail for one week." "Wait! You can't!" cried Rainbow Dash. "There's no law requiring driver's licenses for Equestria." Applejack facehoofed. Twilight whispered, "Dash, don't antagonize the judge." "Fine," declared the judge. "For endangering public safety, I'm sentencing you to six months in jail." TV STATIC Author's Note Episode 200 rocks! And before Maud Pie showed up!
EasterTwilight stepped forth from her group of friends. "We here at My Little Pony would like to wish all of you a very happy Easter." She paused, and flicked her ears. "Oh, who could that be?" She waited patiently. Finally, she turned around and whispered, "What's going on?" Rarity said, "Fluttershy's having a little problem with our star." "I'll handle this!" declared Rainbow Dash, swooping down next to Fluttershy. "No Dash-" Fluttershy protested. But it was too late. Rainbow dashed over in front of Twilight and deposited a little bundle. Twilight cleared her throat. "Oh look, the Easter Bunny is here!" Angel, bedecked in bows and frilly clothes, had a large basket slung around his neck. He crossed his forelimbs and gave Twilight the death glare. TV STATIC Author's Note Should I mention that a few years ago I was in survival school on Easter Sunday? For dinner that night, we ate rabbit.... We all looked at each other and said we were going to hell for eating the Easter Bunny!
PTA MeetingCheerilee addressed the assembled ponies. "We'll begin our meeting in a few minutes," she declared. Applejack turned to Pinkie Pie. "Ah can understand why Rarity is here, being Sweetie's sister an' all, but why are you here Pinkie?" "I'm here for the free treats." "Beg yer pardin, but there's no refreshments at these meetings." "Silly Applejack," Pinkie giggled. She reached under a desk and pulled forth from a wad of gum, tossing it in her mouth. TV STATIC Author's Note You didn't read this chapter.
The Problem With Roomates....Pinkie Pie trotted down the long hall of the hotel. Arriving at her room, she reached for the doorknob but stopped. On the other side of the door, she heard flailing bedsheets and a thumping mattress. Suddenly, Rarity's wailing voiced carried through the door: "Charley Horse! Charley Horse!" Pinkie Pie turned and trotted down the hall. The next morning... "Pinkie Pie?" began Twilight. "Why are you sleeping in the lobby? I thought you were sharing a room with Rarity." Pinkie yawned as she rubbed her eyes. "I was, but Rarity was having wild sex with some stallion named Charley." TV STATIC Author's Note I don't blog often, but I have a new one.
Sector 7G"California here we come!" said Homer Simpson. Lisa turned to Bart. "Do you ever wonder who covers dad's job when we go off on another crazy vacation?" Meanwhile, at the Springfield Nuclear Powerplant.... Smithers eyed the monitors displaying the security cameras. "Is that a pony in Sector 7G?" Mr. Burns came over. "Yes, she's our new temporary safety inspector. Works cheap. And she won't screw up like that Homer Simpson." "What's her name?" "Derpy Hooves." TV STATIC
At the barA brown earth pony sat at the bar, a mostly empty glass sitting before him, with just a little beer left. After staring off in space for a while, he downed the rest. "Another!" he yelled at the bartender. "Make that two," said a sky-blue pegasus with a rainbow-colored mane. Two glasses were produced. The stallion took a big draught. Setting down the glass, he watched as the mare chugged her beer. Slamming down the glass, she barked, "Another!" "Rough day?" aske the stallion. "Yeah." "Want to talk about it?" The mare downed half her glass before wiping her mouth with her hoof. "I just lost my job." "Sorry to hear that." "Yeah, I should have known that doing a sonic rainboom in downtown Canterlot was going to be a bad idea. Soooo many shattered windows... and other damages." She took another swig. "Wonderbolts said their insurance would be too high on the team." "That sucks. Now what for you?" "Guess I'll go back home and get my old job back at the weather team." She finished her beer. "Another!" She turned to look at the stallion sitting next to her. "How 'bout you?" "Me?" "Looks like you got bucked in the gut." "Yeah, you could say that." A long silence passed. "Well?" asked the impatient mare as she took a sip from her third beer. "I ran the race of my life. Pushed myself hard against the other racers. And we're not talking fools from the backwaters - we're talking the best in the world. But I came in first. Best few minutes of my life. But then it was snatched away. Judges said I 'impeded' the other competitors - whatever that means. They disqualified me. First time in history the first pony across the finish line didn't win." He downed the rest of his glass. "Yeah, life sucks." She paused in thought for a moment. She reached out a hoof, "I'm Rainbow Dash." He took her hoof, "Maximum Security." TV STATIC Author's Note WARNING!!! SHAMELESS PLUG DETECTED!!! Just wanted to mention I published my 40th, yes 40th, story! Check it out here.
To-Do ListTwilight approached the front door of the castle. Turning to the dragon trotting behind her, she asked, "Do you have the to-do list I wrote last night?" Spike pulled forth a scroll. "Right here." "Good. Let's go over the things we must do today." He perused the scroll. "Hmm.... 'Purchase a gift for Applejack's birthday. Pick up scrolls and ink. Drop off book donations at the hospital. Lunch with Pinkie Pie. Get Spike neutered. Write Princess ' - Hey wait! Get Spike neutered!?" Twilight's face lit up a deep red. "I - uh - forgot to omit that from the list I gave you." TV STATIC Author's Note Awesome episode today!
The AnnouncementMayor Mare took the slip of paper and looked down at it. She read, "Citizens of Ponyville, this year's applicants were all exceptional, but there can only be one Ponyville Days Pony of Ceremonies. And that pony is - " She looked up and in a monotone voice said, "the Hypnotoad." Clap! Clap! Clap! All the ponies clapped in unison. TV STATIC
Royal Succession"You have to do what I say," said the bodyguard. Sombra tsked. "I am a prince. It is I who give the orders." "Not today." "One day I'll be king. I just can't wait. In fact, I want to sing - " Music began to rise. "Stop!" The music screeched to a halt. "That song is copyrighted by Disney!" TV STATIC Author's Note 20,000 words! 20,000 words! Can you believe this story has hit 20,000 words! I never thought it would become so long or have so many chapters... or have as many views and likes as it does. Dreadnought
Assassination ClassroomThe children gathered outside the school. As is the case playing across the world, they loitered until it was time for class. Some talked about baseball or the latest sumo match. Others played their video game systems or chatted on the phone. A few others stared up at the moon, forever a crescent. Dong! Dong! Dong! The children all heeded the call of the school bell and quickly found their seats. The teacher stood before them, examining his morning class. After taking attendance, he said, "Today we will learn about explosives. If you will get out your books - " Bam! All heads turned to see a wholly-unexpected figure standing in the doorway. A dark blue unicorn with wings and in full battle armor glared at the teacher. Her eyes were on fire, and she drew forth two broadswords. "Korosensei!" she bellowed. "I have come to kill you!" A twisted smile formed on his face. "I do hope that is the case. None of these children have managed it so far." TV STATIC Author's Note Assination Classroom may be a bit obscure, but Robot Chicken is always filled with such references. Oh well, I've learned a lot about pop culture by watching RC. Dreadnought
Feeding TimeApplejack trotted out the back door, carrying Winona's food dish. As she reached the red doghouse, she saw Winona laying on top staring up at the sky. "Good grief," Applejack sighed. TV STATIC Author's Note Yes. Yes, that was a Peanuts reference.
An Unexpected DiscoveryTwilight walked through the corridors of her castle. Rounding a corner, she came upon a human with a broom. He used it to sweep the floor. He was most certainly not using it to Sweep! Sweep! Sweep! the floor. "Who are you?" She asked. "Scruffy, the janitor." "I've never seen you before." "I've never seen you before neither." TV STATIC Author's Note Standing in line at Bronycon.
Star Wars: Episode IX - The Rise of Skywalker Rey stood in the desert, facing off into the distance. The force told her something was out there. Slowly, a form took shape - a TIE fighter. She removed her lightsaber and engaged the blade. The fighter screeched across the desert. Kylo Ren pushed forward on the controls to accelerate. Rey turned and ran as fast a she could. The TIE fighter closed the distance. Rey took a flying leap - The producers would like to apologize for the interruption. We have listened to the fans. At the last minute, we have decided to replace the hated characters with those who are actually fully developed. Please enjoy the following edit. Twilight leaped backwards over the TIE fighter, landing on its fuselage. Tirek heard the thud and looked around, trying to determine where she was. TV STATIC Author's Note Just something that occured to me. I've been so busy lately, but I'm finally able to clear time in my schedule for more writing. Stand by.... Dreadnought
ChangesAnon examined his new body. Being the only human, he had always felt out of place in Equestria. But now that Zecora's potion had transformed him into a pony, he could truly fit in. The zebra looked at the new equine. "Now that you're a pony for real, Please tell me how you feel." Anon opened his mouth, but nothing came out. Zecora smiled. "There are side affects of course, The potion has left you a little hoarse." TV STATIC Author's Note Yes, yes I did. Also, be sure to check out my new story: Nightmare Night. Daily updates for October only! Dreadnought
Thanks for the MemoriesAn open letter: My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic. So much has been said. It is far beyond my poor powers to add or detract, but I would like to say a few remarks. To Lauren Faust, though your time with the show was short, we thank you for giving us this wonderful gift. To the staff, from the writers to the voice actors and musicians and animators, we thank you for bringing Lauren's vision to us. To the fans, thanks for being there, from "Friendship is Magic" to "The Finale Problem." From BronyCon to Everfree Northwest to even UniCon. The fans have been integral to the success of the show. Thanks for accepting us - us crazy, pony-loving bronies and pegasisters. The past few years have been the most difficult of my life, and this show has been one few bright spots in my life. Thank you. Dreadnought Author's Note Don't worry. I'll do a comedic post tomorrow. In the meantime, check out Nightmare Night, my newest story! Dreadnought
Couch Gag♪ The Simpsons ♫ The car pulled into the driveway, as Bart riding his skateboard bounced off its roof. Homer stepped out of the car, nearly getting run over by Lisa as she road her bike. He turned just in time to get hit by Marge as she pulled into the garage. The Simpsons ran into the living room, but stopped short. The couch was filled with six pastel equines. "Ponies!" cried Lisa. "¡Ay, caramba!" cried Bart. "What's going on?" demanded Homer. "Well, since our show is over," began Rainbow Dash. "We thought we'd come to a show that will never end!" finished Pinkie Pie TV STATIC Author's Note "Treehouse of Horror XXX" is on tonight! The ToH series is the inspiration for my own Nightmare Night. Dreadnought
The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IThe Tragedy of RainBow by William Neighspeare ACT I, SCENE I A desert place. Thunder and lightning. Enter three Witches Apple Bloom When shall we three meet again In thunder, lightning, or in rain? Sweetie Belle When the hurlyburly's done, When the battle's lost and won. Scootaloo That will be ere the set of sun. Apple Bloom Where the place? Sweetie Belle Upon the heath. Scootaloo There to meet with RainBow. Apple Bloom I come, Graymalkin! Sweetie Belle Paddock calls. Scootaloo Anon. Enter Anon Anon You call for me? Scootaloo Nay. We need you not now. Exit Anon ALL Fair is foul, and foul is fair: Hover through the fog and filthy air. Thunder. Enter the three Witches Scootaloo A drum, a drum! Rainbow doth come. ALL The weird sisters, quite the band, Posters of the sea and land, Thus do go about, about: Thrice to thine and thrice to mine And thrice again, to make up nine. Peace! the charm's wound up. Enter two pegasus mares, one blue and one yellow RainBow So foul and fair a day I have not seen. Twenty percent cooler this day should be. Flutter How far is't call'd to Crystal? What are these So wither'd and so wild in their attire, That look not like the inhabitants o' the earth, And yet are on't? Live you? or are you aught That pone may question? You seem to understand me, By each at once her chappy hoofy laying Upon her skinny lips: you should be fillies, And yet your beards forbid me to interpret That you are so. RainBow What the buck did you just say? Flutter Oh, um, I just remarked that these three don't look like they belong here. RainBow Then just say it. Geesh. I can't understand you when you go all soliloquy on me. Flutter Uh, RainBow, it wasn't a soliloquy, it was iambic pentameter. RainBow Soliloquy, iambic pentameter, rhyme and time. It's all the same thing. I'm not doing it anymore. Flutter We're sorry for going off track. You fillies please continue. Apple Bloom All hail, RainBow! hail to thee, thane of Griffon! Sweetie Belle All hail, RainBow, hail to thee, thane of Canter! Scootaloo All hail, RainBow, thou shalt princess hereafter! Flutter Witches, why do you start; and seem to fear Things that do sound so fair? I' the name of truth, Are ye fantastical -- RainBow Cut it out Flutter. Flutter Could you please tell me what my future is? RainBow Better. Apple Bloom Hail! Sweetie Belle Hail! Scootaloo Hail! Apple Bloom Lesser than RainBow, and greater. Sweetie Belle Not so happy, yet much happier. Scootaloo Thou shalt princess, though thou be none: So all hail, RainBow and Flutter! Apple Bloom Flutter and RainBow, all hail! RainBow You're saying I'll be Thane of Griffon and Princess? Awesome! Witches vanish Flutter Uh, RainBow, we already have a Princess. RainBow Oh, yeah. Don't tell Twilight. The Royal Castle of Canterlot RainBow To kill Twilight or not to kill Twilight, that is the question. Enter Lady Rarity Lord Rarity Are you going to kill Twilight or not? RainBow I don't know. Lord Rarity But I want to be a prince! Wait! I'd be a prince? RainBow Well, yeah. I'm a mare, and you're my spouse, Lord Rarity. Lord Rarity I'm a stallion! Me thinks I need my fainting couch. RainBow But what about my problem? Lord Rarity Oh darling, just do the deed. It would be - how do you say it? - "real cool." RainBow Okay. Author's Note I don't think Shakespeare would mind a take on his classic MacBeth. Besides, he wasn't known for historical accuracy - MacBeth actually ruled for a long time in Scotland and wasn't the villain he is portrayed as in the play. Also, Romeo & Juliet was based off someone else's work, so he also did is own version of other people's stories. A few notes on this and following chapters. I had considered writing the entire thing in iambic pentameter, but I quickly discovered that I suck at it. Plus, it sounds really outdated - Rainbow didn't want to memorize all those confusing lines. Also, I chose not to write it out but leave it in play format - if I had to suffer through Romeo & Juliet, MacBeth, and Julius Caesar, then you should have to suffer through it as well! Finally, I wrote this as part of my "Nightmare Night" story, only to realize that I had way more chapters than I could publish. So, enjoy as part of "Robot Pony"! Dreadnought
The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIACT II Enter RainBow, Lyra, BonBon Lyra Let's see if Twilight is up. Exit RainBow, Lyra, BonBon … … … Enter RainBow, Lyra, and BonBon Lyra Murder! Murder! BonBon Bloody Murder! RainBow Bloody Murder! Enter Lord Rarity, Applejack, and Pinkie Pie Lord Rarity Murder? The princess? Applejack Mother! Pinkie Pie No! She didn't get to try my cake! Death by chocolate! Oh the irony! Enter two royal guards Guard 1 Murder? Guard 2 The Princess? RainBow You did this! Guard 1 Sure, just blame the ponies who were sworn to protect the princess. Rainbow I'll kill you! Rainbow wields a sword and chases the guards. Exit guards and RainBow Lord Rarity Rainbow! Exit Lord Rarity, Lyra, BonBon Applejack Quick Pinkie. Let's get out of here. Pinkie Pie Why? Applejack Somepony killed our mother. They'll probably come afta' us. Pinkie Pie And you want to leave this castle!? High walls. Armed guards. Hello! Are you nuts? Applejack Ah don't trust this RainBow. This whole thang seems a mite suspicious. Ah'll visit Braeburn in Whales. Pinkie Pie Whales! Ha ha! Great pun! I'm going to the rock farm. Exit Applejack, Pinkie Pie
The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IIIACT III Enter RainBow, Lord Rarity, Lyra, BonBon Lyra Hail Princess RainBow! BonBon Hail Prince Rarity! RainBow I need a minute alone. Exit all but RainBow RainBow Oh, I should be so happy but I'm not. I killed Twilight. So I'm now the Princess. But Flutter is supposed to found a line of princesses. The only way to solve this is to kill Flutter. Enter Flim and Flam Flim Hail RainBow! Flam Hail Princess! RainBow I've got a job for you two. Kill Flutter and her daughter. Flim We'll do it. Flam For the right price. RainBow Do this and you'll be showered in diamonds. Flim As you wish. Exit Flim and Flam.
The Tragedy of RainBow - Act IVACT IV, SCENE I Thunder. Enter the three Witches Apple Bloom Thrice the brinded cat hath mew'd. Sweetie Belle Thrice and once the hedge-pig whined. Scootaloo Harpier cries 'Tis time, 'tis time. Apple Bloom Round about the cauldron go; In the poison'd entrails throw. Toad, that under cold stone Days and nights has thirty-one Swelter'd venom sleeping got, Boil thou first i' the charmed pot. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn, and cauldron bubble. Sweetie Belle Fillet of a fenny snake, In the cauldron boil and bake; Eye of newt and toe of frog, Wool of bat and tongue of dog, Adder's fork and blind-worm's sting, Lizard's leg and owlet's wing, For a charm of powerful trouble, Like a hell-broth boil and bubble. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Scootaloo Scale of dragon, tooth of wolf, Witches' mummy, maw and gulf Of the ravin'd salt-sea shark, Root of hemlock digg'd i' the dark, Liver of blaspheming Jew, Gall of goat, and slips of yew Silver'd in the moon's eclipse, Nose of Turk and Tartar's lips, Finger of birth-strangled babe Ditch-deliver'd by a drab, Make the gruel thick and slab: Add thereto a tiger's chaudron, For the ingredients of our cauldron. ALL Double, double toil and trouble; Fire burn and cauldron bubble. Sweetie Belle Cool it with a baboon's blood, Then the charm is firm and good. Enter Babs to the other three Witches Babs O well done! I commend your pains; And every one shall share i' the gains; And now about the cauldron sing, Live elves and fairies in a ring, Enchanting all that you put in. Music and a song: 'Black spirits,' & c Babs retires Sweetie Belle By the picking of my crumbs, Something wicked this way comes. Open, locks, Whoever knocks! Enter RainBow RainBow What'cha all up to? ALL A deed without a name. RainBow I came to ask you a question. Apple Bloom Speak. Sweetie Belle Demand. Scootaloo We'll answer. Apple Bloom Say, if thou'dst rather hear it from our mouths, Or from our masters? RainBow Your masters? Who are they? Apple Bloom Pour in sow's blood, that hath eaten Her nine farrow; grease that's sweaten From the murderer's gibbet throw Into the flame. ALL Come, high or low; Thyself and office deftly show! Thunder. First Apparition: Luna RainBow Tell me Apple Bloom He knows thy thought: Hear his speech, but say thou nought. Luna RainBow! RainBow! RainBow! beware Lyra; Beware the thane of Fife. Dismiss me. Enough. Descends RainBow Okay. Kill Lyra next. Got it. Tell me more. Apple Bloom She will not be commanded: here's another, More potent than the first. Thunder. Second Apparition: Rumble Rumble RainBow! RainBow! RainBow! RainBow Yo. Rumble Be bloody, bold, and resolute; laugh to scorn The power of pone, for none of woman born Shall harm RainBow. Descends RainBow Okay, that's cool. Thunder. Third Apparition: Pipsqueak holding a tree ALL Listen, but speak not to't. Pipsqueak Be lion-mettled, proud; and take no care Who chafes, who frets, or where conspirers are: RainBow shall never vanquish'd be until Great Everfree to high Canterlot hill Shall come against her. Descends RainBow Uh. The only one who could move a forest is Twilight. And she's dead now. I'm feeling pretty good about this. Will Futter's line rule Equestria? ALL Seek to know no more. RainBow Oh come on! You showed me all the other things! Apple Bloom Show! Sweetie Belle Show! Scootaloo Show! ALL Show her eyes, and grieve her heart; Come like shadows, so depart! A show of royals, the last with a glass in his hoof; GHOST OF Flutter following RainBow Really! I killed Flutter and there're assassins out for her daughter. Apple Bloom Ay, miss, all this is so: but why Stands RainBow thus amazedly? Come, sisters, cheer we up her sprites, And show the best of our delights: I'll charm the air to give a sound, While you perform your antic round: That this princess may kindly say, Our duties did his welcome pay. Music. The witches dance and then vanish, with Babs RainBow Come back! Darn. Looks like I've got more killing to do. Author's Note Posting this from Ponyville Ciderfest's Closing Ceremonies.
The Tragedy of RainBow - Act VACT V The Royal Castle of Canterlot RainBow Who disturbs me? Enter Spitfire Spitfire Me, my lord. I bring news. RainBow Yeah? Spitfire Ten thousand RainBow Geese? Spitfire Soldiers. The army of Applejack gather to the south. They intend to march on Canterlot. RainBow So? Spitfire Shouldn't we be worried? RainBow Nah. It's just a bunch of earth ponies. We've got unicorns and pegasi. No problem. The Castle of the Two Sisters Enter Applejack Applejack We've got an army. Don't you worry mother. We'll avenge you! The Royal Castle of Canterlot Enter Spitfire Spitfire My lord! My lord! RainBow Oh now what!? Spitfire I bring bad news. RainBow Geesh! Can't I get five minutes to myself. Maybe I did Twilight a favor by killing her. Spitfire What was that? RainBow Nothing. Go on. Spitfire Prince Rarity is dead! RainBow Dead! The guilt must have pushed her to suicide. Spitfire No. RainBow No? Spitfire No. She was being dressed for the victory party RainBow The victory party? Spitfire Yes. RainBow The victory party that's not for another eight hours? Spitfire Yes. She said she needed that time to get ready. RainBow Of course Rarity would say that. What happened? Spitfire She was being dressed for the victory party. She wanted to look her best, so she ordered her corset pulled tight. Turns out, she couldn't breathe. RainBow To-morrow, and to-morrow, and to-morrow! Spitfire The sun will come out? The Castle of the Two Sisters Enter MacIntosh, Braeburn Applejack We march on Canterlot today! MacIntosh Eeyup Braeburn But we will be seen and lose the element of surprise. MacIntosh Eeyup Applejack We'll cut down branches from these here trees of the Everfree. MacIntosh Eeyup Applejack If'n we're real lucky, they'll mistake us for the forest. MacIntosh Eeyup Braeburn The forest? Only an idiot would think that the Everfree was marching on Canterlot. MacIntosh Eeyup The Royal Castle of Canterlot Enter Derpy Derpy RainBow! RainBow! RainBow Yes, Derpy? Derpy The Everfree Forest is marching on us! RainBow What!? Let me see! Derpy See, the forest is marching on us. RainBow Derpy! That's just the army of Applejack. Pretty lame camouflage is you ask me. Only an idiot would think it the Everfree. Outside the Royal Castle of Canterlot Applejack Come on, y'all. Let's take Canterlot! Many soldiers flee, leaving RainBow with a hooful of loyal subjects RainBow Come back you cowards! Enter Applejack, MacIntosh, Braeburn, Quibble, Troubleshoes Applejack Come down here you varmit and fight like a mare! RainBow Ha! You're going down. None of woman born can kill me! Quibble Technically, her mother was an pony. Applejack impales Rainbow with her sword Applejack The deed is done! The battle won! Pinkie Pie Yeah, let's party! Applejack Pinkie, where'd you come from? Was anypony else surprised by her sudden appearance? MacIntosh Eeyup. Applejack MacIntosh. Is that all yer goin' tah say? MacIntosh Eeyup. Author's Note Currently flying at 30,000 feet... returning home from Ponyville Ciderfest. It was a blast! I should also point out that I thought the way Shakespeare had the "forest" march on the castle was lame. Tolkien did too. He wanted to do it right, so he wrote the last march of the Ents in The Lord of the Rings. Dreadnought
Game ShowFluttershy looked about, standing in the middle of a living room of strange creatures - she was pretty sure they were humans. "H-How di-did I-I get here?" she asked. "Holy crap Rick! Is that a talking pony!?" Burp! "No Morty you idiot! That's a Pegasus." The game show announcer said, "How did she get there?" Rick laughed, "Hey Morty - look! We're on that interdimensional game show!" TV STATIC Author's Note See
The Cat Next DoorSnoopy paced anxiously back and forth on the top of his doghouse. He seemed to overlook the fact that he could only take two paces before having to turn around. He was too lost in thought to notice or care. Today! Today I'm going to confront the cat next door. I'm not scared of her. I'm going to show her who's boss! I'm not going to take her abuse any longer! I'll show her! He leaned over the picket fence. Hey cat! I want to talk to you! A moment later, he stood back, a myriad of cuts and scratches and claw marks disfiguring his face. Note to self. Don't mess with Opal after Rarity has given her a bath. TV STATIC Author's Note Snoopy is scared of the cat next door! Also: Scrolling through to add a new installment, I had a realization: This story has a lot of chapters! Dreadnought
The Big GameThe seven girls gathered in the finished basement around the television. "Ah hope Ohio State wins," said Applejack. "Any team with 'buck' in their names has my vote." "Well I want Michigan to win," countered Rainbow Dash. "Wolverines are so cool and it is the name of my favorite comic book character." "Ohio State." "Michigan." "Ohio State." "Michigan." "Well I hope there's a super good halftime show," said Pinkie, waving a little flag and wearing a sweater that both literally read "Halftime". "Ohio State." "Michigan." Adjusting her glasses, Twilight said, "Well, I hope there's some interesting statistics. It was so statistically improbable that the Falcons would recover two consecutive onside kicks against the Saints." "Ohio State!" "Michigan!" "Ohio State!" "Michigan!" Looking at her arguing friends, Fluttershy said, "Well, I hope it's a tie." Rainbow Dash and Applejack both looked at her as if she had uttered blasphemy. "I'm surprised you want to watch the game," said Sunset Shimmer to Rarity. "Please, I wouldn't miss it for anything." "Yeah, I can understand you'd be interested in the uniforms the players wear." "It's not just that, darling." "Oh?" "Large, muscular young men wearing tight-fitting uniforms while having to bend over for every down. They're delightful eye candy." Turning to the television, Sunset could only agree. TV STATIC Author's Note It's the greatest rivalry in college football and it's on right now! Go watch! (After you've read a bunch of my stories, of course!) Dreadnought
Friday the 13th"Wow!" exclaimed Rainbow Dash. "Camp Everfree looks super awesome!" "It looks better than ever," noted Sunset Shimmer. "Yeah," agreed Applejack, "y'all doin' pretty well." "Well, thanks to you girls, we were able to make ends meet until things picked up," said Timber Spruce. His face filled with gloom. "Though, it wasn't how I wanted it to go...." "What do you mean?" pressed Fluttershy. "Campers have been coming here ever since the camp down the road closed down." "What happened?" asked Rarity. "Well, they were being terrorized by a mysterious machete-wielding mass murderer in a hockey mask." All the girls gasped as Gloriosa Daisy whistled innocently. TV STATIC Author's Note If you liked this chapter, you would enjoy my story Nightmare Night! Dreadnought
What I Want"So Pinkie, what would you like for Heart's Warming?" asked Applejack. ♫"I want a hippopotamus for Hearth's Warming-"♫ Applejack interrupted, "Pinkie! That song is copyrighted! You're going to get us in trouble." Pinkie lightly booped Applejack's nose, "That's why I changed the lyrics, silly." TV STATIC Author's Note Merry Christmas! Happy Hearth's Warming! Dreadnought
Present!Fluttershy opened her front door. She was startled by what she saw before her. Sitting on her front stoop was a partridge in a pear tree. The bird cooed upon seeing her. "Aren't you just the most precious thing." It chirped happily. "Oh, what do we have hear?" She reached for a card nestled in one of the branches. She read the missive: Dear Fluttershy, Happy Hearth's Warming. I hope you enjoy this gift, for the first of the Twelve Days of Hearth's Warming. Discord Fluttershy looked up and thought out loud, "'Twelve Days of Hearth's Warming'? I wonder what he means." TV STATIC Author's Note Merry Christmas and happy Hearth's Warming! Dreadnought
New Year 2020Everypony eagerly watched the clock. As one they began counting down: 10 .... 9 ... 8 ... 7 ... 6 ... 5 .... 4 ... 3 ... 2 ... 1 Pinkie released a big banner that read, " Happy New Year!" "Uh, Pinkie?" "Yes, Applejack." "Y'all realize that this year we're unemployed?" "Silly, Applejack, of course I do." She pulled a string and a new banner came down that read, "Will do pony shenanigans for food." TV STATIC Author's Note Meant to publish this yesterday. Also, I just broke 25,000 words on this anthology. Who would have guessed when I started it over two years ago? Dreadnought
Twelve Days of Hearth's WarmingFluttershy stood in her front yard, utterly bewildered. In front of her were her latest presents. She was at a loss of what to do and completely overwhelmed. After all, what do you do with 12 drummers drumming, 22 pipers piping, 30 lords a-leaping, 36 ladies dancing, 40 maids a-milking, 42 swans a-swimming, 42 geese a-laying, 40 golden rings, 36 calling birds, 30 French hens, 22 turtle doves and 12 partridges in 12 pear trees? Her animal sanctuary was overflowing, and now she had 140 ponies that were her servants. Or maybe they were her slaves? She'd have to pawn off the 40 golden rings to give her enough bits to keep things going for a day or two. But perhaps the fresh milk and eggs and pears would also help? And maybe she could rent out the drummers, pipers, lords and dancers for entertainment events, like festivals or birthday parties or cute-ceañeras? All these presents meant Discord really cared for her. Still, she was going to have a long conversation with him.... TV STATIC Author's Note I've often wondered exactly what you do with all those gifts. Dreadnought
Holiday DishKnock! Knock! "Hello, Applejack." "Discord! How y'all doin'?" "I'm doing fine, thank you. The holidays are always a busy time for me," he chuckled. "Yeah, I heard about what you did to Fluttershy." "Well, I was just trying to show her how much I value her friendship." "She's going nuts trying tah figure out what to do with all them gifts yah gave her." " Well, I want to give her something to say how sorry I am for all the chaos I've caused her. And you can help." "Oh?" "I want to give her a traditional holiday dish. From what I understand, the Apples are the go-to ponies for anything traditional." Applejack laughed, "'Course we are! We've been harvesting the same land for four generations, our cider recipe hasn't changed in fifty years, an' Mac an' me took first place fer most traditional cart." "So you can make traditional holiday dishes?" "Of course! What'd yah have in mind?" Discord smiled and motioned for her to look around the corner of her farmhouse. Her jaw dropped immediately. He asked, "Can you make quarry eel pie?" TV STATIC Author's Note I hate writing on my phone. But then again, if I had waited until after I pulled out my laptop, I might have forgotten what I was going to write. Dreadnought
Diplomatic IncidentGlab, President of the Democratic Order Of Planets (DOOP), escorted her peer around the legislative hall. She turned and remarked, "Princess Celestia, in just a few minutes we will begin the ceremony to officially induct your planet into the DOOP." Princess Celestia smiled, "I am in no hurry Madame President. In fact, I find that I am quite enjoying myself. There are so many species here that I have never seen before." Gazing at the masses, she asked quite surprised, "Are those creatures made of yarn?" "Yes, they come from Nylar IV." "How very interesting." A brash and imposing figure strode up to the couple. President Glab said, "Princess Celestia, let me introduce Twenty-Five Star General Zapp Brannigan." Zapp Brannigan reached out and kissed the offered hoof of Princess Celestia. "It is an honor to meet you," he said. "And might I add, you are looking quite horny for someone of your age." Five minutes later.... Zapp Brannigan laid bloody and broken upon the floor. Princess Celestia turned to President Glab, "Equestria formally declares war on the DOOP." The staff of Planet Express lounged around the room watching TV. Morbo appeared on the screen. "...We have breaking news from DOOP headquarters, where a major diplomatic incident has occurred. Princess Celestia, leader of Equestria, has beaten up Zapp Brannigan, who had this to say...." On the television Zapp Brannigan, with a black eye and right arm in a sling, stood behind a podium. "It must have been a misunderstanding on her part. I meant what I said in the sexiest way possible." The screen returned to Morbo. "Equestria has declared war on the DOOP. But it remains to be seen how a nation with no standing army and only a corps of incompetent royal guards could hope to defeat the galactic might of DOOP...." Two Days Later.... Inside the devastated DOOP headquarters, dignitaries from across the galaxy gathered for the historic moment. President Glab signed the paperwork and said, "DOOP has officially surrendered and will submit to becoming conquered territories of Equestria." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, Zapp Brannigan....
Pi Day"Happy Pie Day!" cried Pinkie Pie. In her hands, on her shoulders, and balanced on her head were a multitude of pies...blueberry pie, cherry pie, apple pie, peach pie, pineapple pie, lemon meringue pie, pear pie, strawberry pie, strawberry cinnamon cilantro pie, Key lime pie, rhubarb pie, sweet potato pie, pumpkin pie, coconut cream pie, pecan pie, chocolate cream pie, shoofly pie, and Boston cream pie (even though Pinkie would be the first to tell you that Boston cream pie is technically a cake, but how could she leap over technicalities?). Everyone present was amazed at how Pinkie could balance so may pies, even if it was Pinkie Pie we were talking about. "Pinkie, you've really outdone yourself," commented Rarity, as she graciously accepted a slice of Key lime pie. "Yeah, y'all didn't have to do all this," said Applejack as she took a bite of the apple pie. She momentarily smiled at the taste then frowned as she realized that it was way better than any apple pies her family had ever made. "How could I not?" she asked, trying to force a slice of blueberry pie into Rainbow Dash's hands. "After all, they created an entire day for me!?" When Rainbow opened her mouth to protest, Pinkie shoved a forkful of pie into Dash's mouth anyway. "Actually, it's Pi Day," corrected Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. Handing Twilight a slice of rhubarb pie, Pinkie returned, "That's what I said, Pie Day." "No, Pi Day. 'P' - 'I'. As in the irrational number." Finished wiping her tongue from the offending pie, Rainbow Dash said, "Math may be hard, but I don't know if I'd call it 'irrational.'" "No, Rainbow, irrational as in a real number that is not an integer or doesn't repeat. For instance, pi is 3.1415926...." Five minutes later... "...1262410548725..." Applejack turned to Rainbow, "Y'all just 'ad ta get her started, didn't ya? Now you've gone and broke her." TV STATIC Author's Note A special Saturday edition of Robot Pony. If you enjoyed this chapter, you might like my story, The Secret Life of... Pinkie Pie. I got numbers for the first 100,000 digits of pi here. I'd also like to point out, the reference to Applejack enjoying Pinkie's pie more than her family's is indeed a reference to my story The Labors of Applejack. And finally, Boston cream pie is actually a cake. You can read about it here. My mother insisted I learn some things about the culinary field. The only problem is I said something to my boss about Boston cream pie being a cake, and he didn't take too kindly to finding out he was wrong. Oh well, these things happen. Dreadnought
The Last Great RaceEverybody rushed to downtown. Men, women, children. Young and old. Locals and tourists alike. Hurriedly they threw on coats, donned hats, and pulled on gloves. The fortunate remembered to grab their flashlights before leaving home. Everyone had been waiting for this moment. Every since last year, everybody in town, across the state, and even the world, had been waiting. Downtown Nome lit up on a cold winter night. News crews trained their cameras onto the blackness as people peered into the darkness. Everyone was abuzz with anticipation. Hushed whispers flew back and forth - predictions, rumors, and speculation. Who would it be? Who would win? Good morning to viewers from across Alaska. Welcome to our special live coverage of the finish of Iditarod 2020! We are moments away from seeing the leader cross the finish line. Reports from the last checkpoint indicate that Thomas Waerner departed first with a significant lead. Waerner is a native of Norway. Number 40, he began participating in the Iditarod in 2015, where he finished 17th overall and was named the rookie of the race. Last year he didn't compete, but this year he is poised to win his first Iditarod! The crowd grew restless. It appears that he has arrived! As you can see, he's coming down the street. Wait! What is that? It appears that another team is right behind him! This is unbelievable! The two teams raced through downtown. The trailing team slowly gained ground. The leader pushed his team harder, and began to pull away. The challenger spurred their team faster, closing the gap. Neck and neck they raced. The finish line lay just ahead. The crowd roared. Never had there been such a close finish in all of the Iditarod! This would be one for the record books! They crossed! The challenger won by a nose! Number 59 won! News crews rushed to interview the winner. The reporter pushed a microphone forward to the musher, "Congratulations on winning the Iditarod! Can you say a few words?" The musher paused, clearly worn from the thousand mile race and nine days on the trail. The musher reached up and pulled off their hat to reveal a rich pink mane. Pulling off the facemask showed a yellow face and large cyan eyes. "Oh, I'm so happy to be here," Fluttershy beamed. "It's ever so cold out and I'm very tired of being on the trail." "What was the secret to your success?" "Well, animals are my special talent. I told Mr. Paws - he's my lead dog - that we were way behind and needed to catch up. The whole team wanted to win, so they pushed themselves hard." "And weighing as much as a child, compared to that of a full-sized man, also helped." "I suppose you're right." TV STATIC Author's Note Here's an photo I took from the start of the race: Dreadnought
What's in a Name?Rarity and Twilight trotted ahead, in a deep conversation about their plans for the upcoming week. Spike trailed behind, clutching the precious phoenix egg he had rescue from the dragons who wanted to smash it - until he stood up to them, with three of his best and most powerful friends' as backing him up, of course. Rainbow swooped down, hovering just next to him. "So, when the egg hatches, what are you gonna name it?" Spike looked down at the egg cradled in his claws. "Well, if it's a boy, I was going to name him Fawkes. If it was a girl, I was going to name her Jean Grey." "Fawkes? Jean Grey? You've got to be kidding me!" Spike reconsidered, "Arizona?" Rainbow Dash snorted, "Seriously? You're gonna name your phoenix Arizona? That's the stupidest name I've ever heard." Spike thought for a minute. "Pee Wee?" Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Sure, whatever. It is your phoenix." TV STATIC Author's Note Why not?
Easter 2020April 11th: Fluttershy stood at her front door, exchanging hushed whispers with Rarity. "So, everything is ready?" asked the pegasus. "Oh yes, I've got his outfit ready. And Twilight has the stage at Town Hall all set up. And, of course, Pinkie Pie and Applejack will be providing a spread for lunch." "Oh, it all sounds lovely," said Fluttershy. "Yes, tomorrow will -" The door creaked open and a little white bunny rabbit hopped into the room. Talking at a normal volume, Rarity stated, "Well, daring, I assure you that your spring dress will be fabulous. I'm glad you approve of my design. I must be off, there is ever so much I must get done. Goodbye Fluttershy." Glancing down at the rabbit, she said, "Goodbye to you, too, Angel." The bunny eyed the unicorn suspiciously as she departed. ~~~ April 12th: Fluttershy was preparing breakfast in the kitchen as a bunny hopped in. Looking up, she greeted, "Happy Easter, Angel." Angel sat on his haunches and stared at Fluttershy. "What do you mean, 'What's going on?'" Angel crossed his forelegs. Fluttershy smiled uneasily. "I'm not hiding anything." Angel furrowed his brow and glared at Fluttershy. Fluttershy sighed. "All right. There's an Easter pageant today at Town Hall. We thought you should be the Easter Bunny. The others will be here in an hour." Angel huffed and hopped out of the room. An hour later Fluttershy was busying herself in the sitting room when Angel hopped in. "Hello Angel." He sat upright. "Oh, you want to participate in the Easter pageant?" The bunny nodded. "Oh, excellent." She looked again at the rabbit. "Oh, I do suppose we have time for a cup of tea." The bunny hopped into the kitchen and a minute later came out with two teacups. He passed a cup to Fluttershy as she took a seat on her couch, while he took the easy chair. She smiled, "Cheers." They both took a long sip from their cups. A moment later there was a swirl of bright white light. When it dissipated, Angel sat on the couch and Fluttershy sat on the easy chair. "Angel" waved his forelegs wildly. "Fluttershy" smiled evilly. "Oh, yes, I swapped Zecora's potion for tea. It did take quite a bit of food coloring to look believable." Knock! Knock! The pegasus trotted to the front door and greeted the assembled group of ponies. "Oh yes, Angel is all ready and is super excited for his big part in this year's pageant." The bunny's eyes went wide with horror. ~~~ In front of everypony, the group gathered together for their final curtain call. Twilight said, "We all want to wish you a very happy Easter!" In front of the group sat a very annoyed bunny rabbit in a frilly set of clothes and holding a large basket of colorful eggs. Behind the group stood a yellow pegasus with a wicked grin. TV STATIC Author's Note Well, just got done with Easter service (we wore masks and sat 6 feet apart), and I wanted to wish you all a very happy Easter. Stay healthy, stay safe. Dreadnought
Downton AbbeyAs Barrow distributed the tea, Lady Edith Crawley entered and addressed the assembled family members. "I just received a telephone call. We will be having an additional guest for dinner tonight. He will arrive later this afternoon." Cora Crawley, Countess of Grantham, smiled, "And who is this mysterious guest that we will be hosting?" Edith shrugged, "It's a Mister Armor." "Mr. Armor? I'm afraid I don't recognize the name." "He's just someone I met when I was in London." Violet Crawley, Dowager Countess of Grantham (AKA Professor McGonagall), asked, "Is he from a respectable family?" Mary set her cup down. "With how Edith's been ignored by all the respectable men, she probably found him in prison," she sniped. "He's not from prison," declared Edith. Mary rolled her eyes. "I suppose you have more sense than that. He probably works some lowly job in a factory or a stable." The family gathered around the dining room table. "I don't know where he could be," assured Edith. "I always suspected that this man you were bringing was a figment of your imagination," sneered Mary. Meanwhile, at the front door.... Knock! Knock! As much of the staff was attending to dinner, Mr. Bates answered the front door. He opened it to reveal - nothing. Nobody was at the front door! He looked about briefly before glancing down to see a most unexpected sight. Before him stood a small white horse with a blue mane and tale. Its dinner attire would be the most remarkable trait if not for the horn affixed to its head. "Is this somebody's idea of a joke?" he muttered to himself. "My apologies," said the creature, "but I had a hard time finding Downton Abbey." "You can talk!" He almost fell over, saved only by his cane providing support. Startled, the creature replied, "Of course I can talk." It cocked its head. "Where is Lady Edith?" Stunned for a moment, Mr. Bates asked, "Are you Mister Armor by chance?" The creature smiled back. "Why yes, yes I am. Though most refer to me as Captain Armor." "Captain Armor? A military man!" "A military pony actually. You served?" "I was Lord Grantham's batman in the Boer War," said Mr. Bates, standing straight. "I see. Well, you'll have to tell me of your experiences in the war. But you must excuse me, I am running late for dinner." "Of course, right this way." Mr. Bates entered the dining room. "Is something a matter Bates?" asked Robert Crawley, 7th Earl of Grantham. "Mr. Armor has arrived, Sir." "Well show him in." "Actually, sir, he's standing right beside me." The others seated around the table gasped. Lord Grantham stood to peer over the table, then fell back into his seat stunned. Edith got up to hug the pony. "I'm so glad you made it," she said. "I'm sorry, but I had trouble teleporting here. But now that I've been here before, I shouldn't have any trouble in the future," he explained. She stood upright. "Everyone, I'd like you to meet Mr. Shining Armor." Quickly all were introduced and Shining took his seat. Barrow poured a glass of wine for the newly arrived guest. "So, Mr. Armor, where are you from?" asked Lord Grantham. "I am from Canterlot in Equestria." Violetg Crawley said, "From your accent, I had thought you might be from the States. It is fortunate you are not an American." Shining chuckled, "No, most certainly I am not." "What do you do in Equestria?" asked Lord Grantham. "I'm the Captain of the Royal Guards. I was sent to England as an exchange with your palace guards...." After dinner, in the servant's hall: Mr. Carson turned to the assembled servants. "Is it true what they're saying about Mr. Armor?" asked Daisy. Carson sighed, "I see the news had already spread." "So he's really a horse?" asked Mrs. Hughes. "He's a guest of the family," stated Mr. Carson in a stern tone. "We are to treat him with all the respect that entails. He'll be spending the night before returning to London tomorrow." "Should we get him some hay to sleep on?" sniped Barrow. In the drawing room, after dinner: Mary held a conversation with Dowager Countess of Grantham. "Well, it seems I was right about the stable." Violet rolled her eyes. "He may only be in black tie and dinner jacket, but he still managed at least one tail." Lord Grantham's bedroom: Climbing into bed, Lord Grantham said to his wife, "First an Irish Catholic, and now an Equestrian pony." "Edith is smitten with him, Robert." "I'm not sure what she sees in him." "Take some time, get to know him. You may have something in common." "Perhaps you are right." He leaned over to kiss her, but paused as a thought hit him. "Do you suppose he likes riding?" "Don't asked Edith's love interest if you can ride him." "That's not what I meant. Does a pony enjoy riding a horse? Can a pony ride a horse?" TV STATIC Author's Note I had ignored the show during its original run. Family members strongly encouraged me to watch the show. And I must say, I've thoroughly enjoyed it. Dreadnought
A Little FriendThe six exchanged worried looks. Rainbow Dash reached up and banged on the door. "Tony, we want to talk to you." Tony Montana, fueled by cocaine, yelled back. "You want to talk? Say hello to my little friend." Fluttershy said, "Aw, he's already found a friend." Bwa! The door blew apart, sending the ponies slamming against the opposite wall. As she slid down the wall and hit the floor, Applejack exclaimed, "That's some friend!" TV STATIC Author's Note Friendship is magic!
Department of DefenseThe Joint Chiefs of Staff gathered around the conference room table. All eight of them. Yes, eight. The Chairman, General Mark A. Milley, and the Vice Chairman, General John E. Hyten, were there. The Chief of Staff of the Army, General James C. McConville, was there. So to was Chief of Naval Operations, Admiral Michael M. Gilday. Next to him was Commandant of the Marine Corps, General David H. Berger. Across from him sat Chief of Staff of the Air Force, General David L. Goldfien. On his right sat Chief of the National Guard Bureau, General Joseph L. Lengyel. And finally was Chief of Space Operations, General John W. Raymond. Centuries of service, decades of leadership, and harrowing experiences of war were represented by these eight. They all stood as a man in a business suit entered and stood behind an empty seat. A little plaque on the table read: Secretary of Defense, Mark Esper All nine took their seats. SecDef turned to the new general. "I'd like to welcome General Raymond to the Joint Chief of Staff." General Raymond rose. "Thank you very much gentlemen. I am excited to stand up US Space Force as the newest branch of the armed forces. We have a lot -" "Actually," interrupted SecDef, "that's what we're here to talk about. Johnson, come in." A short little man came in, and in a moment a Powerpoint presentation was on the screen. "What you are about to see if of the highest classification." He began, "We've been collecting intelligence on a world we discovered on the other side of a portal. It is an alien world. Though the inhabitants seem peaceful -" An image appeared: "We have identified several threats. These include dragons: "Changelings: "Yaks: "Strange beasts: "Alicorns: "Tyrants: "A reality-altering monster: "And most threatening of all, her:" The room sat in stunned silence. Finally, after they all had time to let it sink in, SecDef said, "In light of these discoveries, the President has decided to established a seventh branch of the armed services -" An aide in the back of the room snickered in a hushed tone, "I'll bet it's call Magic Force." "- and we will be standing up US Magic Force in the coming weeks." TV STATIC Author's Note I was inspired by this: So... ...who wants to join?
Movie NightJohn entered the living room carrying a beer and a bowl of popcorn. Jessie was already on the couch, using the remote to pull up the movie. He sat down next to her and passed the popcorn. "What are we watching tonight?" he asked. "Twilight." John smiled. As the credits rolled, Jessie looked over. "So, what did you think?" "It was okay." "You didn't like it?" "It was kind of a let down. It's not what I was hoping it was going to be about," admitted John. "You didn't know it was a love story with a vampire?" asked Jessie. "No." "Well, what did you think it was about?" "Twilight Sparkle." TV STATIC Author's Note Yeah, you've probably figured out that I'm publishing a chapter a week (until I hit a dry spell again). Well, I wanted to celebrate BABSCon Online today (available on YouTube)! I had registered and booked a hotel room for the con in April, but as you all know it was cancelled. But Online is the next best thing. So, go watch (after you read all my stories, of course). Dreadnought
Fastest Thing AliveA deafening boom shook the command center. Robotnik slammed his fist down. "What was that!" Snively rushed to the computer terminal and analyzed the situation. "I'm pulling up our security footage now." On the monitor a blue blur rocketed over Robotropolis, shaking buildings, rupturing pipes, and knocking out power for most of the city. Robotnik hissed, "The hedgehog." "Actually Robotnik," snively hit a button on the keyboard. The footage rewound and proceeded in a slow motion zoom. Across the screen there streaked a blue pegasus. "Snively, we have a new enemy. More powerful and annoying than the hedgehog." Meanwhile, back at Knothole: The Freedom Fighters gathered around their newest member and cheered, "Rainbow! Rainbow! Rainbow!" From a distance, a certain blue hedgehog huffed, "Beginner's luck." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, the good ol' days:
Sesame StreetBig Bird said, "Cookie Monster, we know today is your birthday, so Bert and his "friend" Ernie made a special present for you." "Yeah," said Bert, "follow us into the kitchen." "Me want cookie!" The four entered the kitchen, only to find an empty platter with a few cookie crumbs. "Me want cookie!" "The cookies are gone!" exclaimed Big Bird. "Me want cookie!" Suddenly, a groan came from behind the counter. There, they found a pink pony laying on the floor, rubbing her expanded belly. "What's going on?" asked Big Bird. She looked up. "Me eat cookies!" She produced one final chocolate chip cookie. "Om nom nom nom!" "Me want cookie!" "Sorry," said Ernie, "we're all out." With a wild maniac look, Cookie Monster grabbed Ernie and stared at him deep in the eyes. "ME. WANT. COOKIE!!!" TV STATIC Author's Note I come up with the strangest ideas sometimes. Bummer on the SpaceX scrub today. Dreadnought
The HulkThe Avengers gathered around a coffee table in the penthouse of Stark's New York headquarters. Steve Rodgers (AKA "Captain America") shared a couch with Clint Barton (AKA "Hawkeye") while on the couch across from them sat Bruce Banner and Natasha Romanova (AKA "Black Widow"). Tony Stark (AKA "Iron Man") fiddled with his phone. Thor lounged in an easy chair, with a large mug of beer in his hand and Mjoinir sitting before him. Thor noticed Clint looking at his hammer. "Go on, give it a try," he urged. "Alright," said Clint, reaching out to the hammer. He tugged, but it didn't move. "Come on Steve, I'm sure you can lift it," encouraged Natasha. Steve smiled and chuckled, but didn't move. Turning to the scientist across from him, he said, "So Bruce, when you get angry, you turn into the Hulk." "Yeah," answered Bruce uneasily. "Is that the only thing you turn into?" Bruce hesitated. "Well, my... abilities... tend to be emotion-driven. Obviously, when I get angry, the Hulk comes out." "What about when you're afraid?" "Nothing happens!" said Bruce a little too quickly. Thor and Steve shared a look. "Come on Banner," pressed Thor, "what happens?" "Nothing," he maintained. Bruce felt a tap on his shoulder. He turned to see Iron Man aiming a charged repulsor ray mere inches from his face. Startled, Bruce fell backwards onto the floor. "Eeep!" The Avengers looked down to see a small yellow pony with wings and a pink mane and tail. "You turn into a horse!" chuckled Steve, barely restraining his laughter. Tony, Clint and Thor failed miserably. Brushing his mane out of his face, Bruce glared at them. His cute scowl merely made them laugh more. Bruce found himself scooped up and cuddled by Natasha, which made him both happier and more annoyed at the same time. "Well one thing is for sure," said Steve, "next time earth is attacked by aliens, your horse form is going out first. Likely, they'll stop fighting us and fight themselves over who will cuddle you!" TV STATIC Author's Note I always try to publish something on my birthday, as my gift to you. This is this year's submission. Dreadnought
Danny Phantom RebootDanny Fenton sat in class. Up front, Mr. Lancer droned on about something called Fourier transforms, whatever they were. Suddenly, a chill ran down his spine and the hairs on his body. "Mr. Lancer! Mr. Lancer!" The teacher stopped writing a long equation on the blackboard and slowly turned around. "Yes, Mr. Fenton?" "I - uh - need to use the bathroom." "You should have done that during the locker break." "I really need to use the bathroom." "We've only been in class for five minutes," said an increasingly annoyed Mr. Lancer. "Please, sir, I've got to go now!!!" The other students laughed. "Fine, but make it quick!" Danny ran to the door, briefly glancing back at Sam and Tucker. He rushed into the boy's bathroom. Taking a quick look around to ensure nobody else was there, he stood and concentrated. A glowing ring appeared around his torso. It separated, with one going towards his head and the other his feet. As they passed over him, his body transformed. Where once there was skin, there was now snowy white hair. Where once there was hands and feet, now hooves. He unfurled his wings and flew towards the window, opening it with his magic. A moment later he was over Amity Park. Scanning, he suddenly came to a dead halt. He facehoofed. "An Ursa Major! It just had to be an Ursa Major!" TV STATIC Author's Note Waiting for the movers to come and load the truck. So... enjoy! Dreadnought
InspirationA man sat beneath a tree in the English countryside. Next to him lay a pad of paper, with all sorts of musical notes and lyrics crossed out. Absently, he strummed his guitar. Suddenly, the sky before him ripped open with a terrible screech. He started to bolt, but stopped when he saw something in the rip. A figure slowly formed into a green unicorn. It looked as shocked as he did. "Lyra!" came a voice. "Did you succeed?" "Yes," said the green unicorn. "I've successfully opened the portal. But I don't know how long it will last." A white unicorn with three diamonds on her flank appeared next to the other. "What is that?" she said, pointing at the man. "A human." "A human? You mean they're real?" "Yes. All my life I've wanted to see a real human. Now," tears started to well up in her eyes. The image blurred. "Noooo!" came a cry before the sky returned to normal. A few weeks later on Abbey Road... "♫Lyra in the Sky with Diamonds!♫" The music came to a halt. "I don't know," said a thin man, " 'Lyra in the Sky with Diamonds', just doesn't seem to have a nice ring to it." "Come on Paul, those are the lyrics." Paul turned to another band member. "What do you think, George?" George merely shrugged. "Ringo?" "As long as I can play my drums, I don't care what the lyrics are." Paul turned to the producer in another room. "What do you think Martin?" "When people here 'Lyra', they're going to think about a harp." Paul thought for a moment. "What's another 'L' name we can use. How about 'Lucy' ?" "You can't be serious," said John. "Let's give it a try." "Where did you come up with the lyrics?" asked Ringo. "They came to me," insisted John. "Okay," said Paul, " 'Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds' on three. One. Two." Years later, Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds would be ranked one of the best songs by The Beatles. TV STATIC Author's Note After three days of driving, I finally reached the end of the Alaska Highway at Dawson Creek, British Columbia.
The UnicornBerry Punch walked down the street of Ponyville, getting odd glances from the other ponies. Finally, she approached a familiar apple stand. "Howdy, Berry Punch." "Good morning, Applejack. I'd like a dozen apples please." "Sure thin'." Applejack filled a bag with a twelve red delicious apples and collected the payment. But throughout the whole encounter, she kept glancing at Berry with the same confusion as the other ponies. Finally, Berry asked, "Is something a matter, Applejack?" "Well... Ah... Ah didn't want to say nuthin'..." "Go on," urged Berry Punch. "Well, Ah thought ya were an earth pony. But this mornin' y'all have a horn. Is it an animation error?" Smiling, she said, "No." Berry reached up and removed her horn, much to Applejack's amazement. "What the-" Berry unscrewed the cap at the base of the horn, and took a sip. She held the flask up, "Care for a pull? I should warn you, it's 90 proof." TV STATIC
Political PrisonerJuly 14th, 1789.... "Charge!" The mob surged forward, breaking all restraint like water bursting a dam. Shots rang out from on high, cutting down men, but still the masses pushed onward. The gate was thrown back and the revolutionaries entered the fortress of the Bastille. "Free the prisoners!" Jean Clemenceau stole the keys and raced into the corridor. He shoved the key into the lock and threw open the cell door. "Are you here to rescue me?" asked the purple-maned unicorn. Before departing to spread the revolution to her homeland, Mlle Starlîght Glîmmér proclaimed the French Revolution's goals as "Liberty! Equality! Fraternity!" TV STATIC
SlipBam! The door burst open and a witch rushed in. The owl head adorning the door admonished, "Hoo, be careful!" Eda said, "Shut up Hooty!" Not seeing her apprentice, she yelled, "Luz! We've got to go! The Emperor's soldiers will be here any minute." The girl bounded into the living room carrying a demon. "I've got King!" The little demon struggled in her arms, "Put me down! I will destroy all of them!" Eda reached for her staff, but observed the palisman missing. She bellowed, "Owlowiscious!" Luz exchanged a confused glance with King. "I thought his name was Owlbert," she said. Quickly Eda corrected, "That's what I said, Owlbert. Forget what I said earlier. Don't ask questions." TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, my latest obsession. It fills the hole that's existed since Gravity Falls wrapped up. If you haven't seen it, go watch it! I came across it a few weeks ago and binge watched it. The second half of season 1 is in progress. I'd say more, but I'm afraid I'd ruin it for you. As for this chapter, I think it's the very first The Owl House/MLP crossover on the site. Now, back to waiting for the movers to arrive.... Dreadnought
Crime Scene InvestigationSherlock Holmes and Dr. James Watson stood in the study, examining the scene. Sprawled across the desk was a man. Protruding from his back was a long-handled knife. "Well, I dare say this is quite the mystery, Holmes. A dead professor. A missing formula. All the doors and windows locked from the inside. No signs of forced entry. No finger prints on the knife handle. Nobody was seen near the study all afternoon." A long pause followed. "Any ideas?" "Yes." "Really?" gasped Watson. "After his lunch, Dr. Borger sealed himself in the study, where he thought he was safe. But at one o'clock, a unicorn teleported into the room, telekinetically levitated the knife from the display case, stabbed Borger in the back, grabbed the formula, and teleported out." "How did you come to that conclusion?" "Very simply, my dear Watson. Once you've eliminated the impossible, whatever remains, no matter how improbable, must be true." TV STATIC Author's Note
History LessonThe woman addressed the class. "Today, we are going to learn about the Pony Express. It was a means of sending messages from coast to coast. It consisted of a series of riders who would race from one station to the next, where they would hand of their mail to the next rider, forming a relay. Several famous names of the Old West were brave riders, facing harsh weather, difficult terrain, boredom, and hostile Indians. Such men as William 'Buffalo Bill' Cody, Robert Haslam, and Billy Tate. Now, please turn to page one hundred thirty in your history textbooks." The boys and girls dutifully reached for their books. Meanwhile, in the back of the class Apple Bloom leaned over to Sweetie Belle and held up a hoof as she whispered, "How come nobody ever talks about the bravery of the ponies?" TV STATIC
Storming the Castle"I'm going to save Eda!" proclaimed Luz. "But, how are you going to get into the Emperor's castle?" asked King. "It's a fortress! And even if you manage to get in, you'd still have to defeat all his guards. I want Eda back too, but I don't think you can do it." "Oh, I'll do it. I've got a secret weapon." "You do?" Luz pulled forth an enchanted object. "What's that, Luz?" "It's an artifact of immense magical power. It's called -- the Alicorn Amulet." TV STATIC Author's Note I love The Owl House! Dreadnought
VOTE!!!Princess Twilight smiled at the camera. "Good Evening. Tomorrow is election day. It is the right and responsibility to every citizen to vote for their country's leaders. I cannot stress enough how important it is...." Princess Twilight frowned. "Pinkie, what is the matter?" "Well, I was just wondering...." "Yes?" "Who voted for you?" "Well...." "You said how important it is to vote for a country's leaders. I didn't vote for you. In fact, I don't know anypony who voted for you. When's our election?" Princess Twilight was flustered. Finally, she said, "Trixie, if you would." Suddenly a large red arrow appeared and removed Pinkie Pie's mouth and tossed it into a trash can. "As I was saying, Election Day is extremely important. So, go out and vote. Thank you and good night." TV STATIC Author's Note VOTE!!!
Post Election DayTo Do: Write witty chapter about the election of (Trump/Biden) and their running mate (Pence/Harris). Talk about how (Trump/Biden) won (insert Pennsylvania/Wisconsin/Michigan) while losing (insert Pennsylvania/Wisconsin/Michigan). Reflect on how nice it is that the election is finally decided. TV STATIC
Thanksgiving 2020Over a hundred gathered in front of the equestrian statue. Adjusting her glass, Twilight Sparkle smiled, "We here at Canterlot High would like to wish you all a very happy Thanksgiving." Holding up numerous pies, Pinkie Pie said, "It's a time to share wonderful food..." "With family..." said Applejack as she hugged her little sister. "And friends..." added Sunset Shimmer as she wrapped her arms around Applejack and Twilight. "And your pets," finished Fluttershy as she cuddled a grumpy Angel. Flittering above, Rainbow Dash cheered, "Football!" "Rainbow Dash - " began an annoyed Applejack. "Oh, I agree darling," added Rarity. "Dozens of muscular men in tight pants who bend over every down and - " "Cut!" cried Vice-Principal Luna. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thanksgiving! Yes, one of my friends loves to watch football for that very reason. I, on the other hand, love to watch the long passes, the amazing catches by the receivers, the running backs plowing their way through a crowd of defenders, the 50+ yard field goals, and of course the hard hits! Just remember: Texans vs. Lions - on now Washington vs. Cowboys - later this afternoon Ravens vs. Steelers - postponed until Sunday Dreadnought
The TruthAugustine Washington crossed his arms and scowled down at little George. A distance behind the boy lay a fallen cherry tree with an ax firmly implanted into the stump. "Well son," he began, "is there something you want to tell me?" The boy looked up into his stern father's eyes. Taking a deep breath, he confessed, "I cannot tell a lie. Applejack is best pony." TV STATIC Author's Note BTW, Trotcon's winter event will start shortly. https://trotcononline.net/
Christmas 2020The student six sat around their common room, enjoying a relaxing Hearth's Warming. Every creature was in good spirits and holiday cheer. "Here's my gift to you," said Sandbar as he passed Gallus a wrapped package. Eagerly the griffon tore apart the wrapping paper. Examining the gift, his smile turned to a look of confusion. "Animal treats?" he asked. "Wait a minute. If you got the animal treats, then who got all the different types of jerky?" wondered Sandbar. Angel was in a panic. Banging on drums didn't work. Smelling salts didn't work. Cold water to the face didn't work. How was he going to rouse Fluttershy from her faint?
AftermathMrs. Cake gazed at the dessert on the counter. She sighed, "I love Hearth's Warming... I just wish everypony didn't give fruitcake." Looking up from the cupcakes she was decorating, Pinkie Pie asked, "You don't like fruitcake?" "Not particularly," admitted the older mare. "I can fix that!" proclaimed Pinkie. She bounced over to the cupboard and then to the fruitcake. She opened a one pound bag of sugar. "Aren't you going to use a measuring spoon?" asked a confused Mrs. Cake. "Nope!" responded Pinkie, who proceeded to dump the entire bag onto the offending cake. After a moment, Mrs. Cake stared at the fruitcake buried beneath a mountain of sugar. Pinkie Pie bounded to the cupboard and returned with another bag of sugar.... TV STATIC Author's Note I don't like ice tea. But if I put enough sugar in it the tea taste is completely drowned out.
2021!Twilight read the clock. "5...4...3...2...1... It's officially 2021!" "Happy New Year!" cried Pinkie Pie as confetti shot out of her cannon. "An' good riddance to 2020!" declared Applejack with an affirmative nod of the head. "Happy New Year, Discord," said Fluttershy. "Happy New Year, Fluttershy." "Wait a minute," said Twilight Sparkle as she eyed the draconequus skeptically. "I thought you'd be sad. You were enjoying all the chaos of 2020." "Oh, I was." "So, why are you so happy?" Discord gave a devilish smile. "If you thought 2020 was chaotic, just wait 'till you see what I've got planned for 2021!" TV STATIC
Infinity train"Wow, that was a great way to spend an hour," said Tulip as she stretched. "A full on massage...." "I have to agree," said Atticus, the corgi king. "The ear scratches and belly rubs were quite enjoyable." "I don't have a belly," lamented One-One. "Well, we have to keep going," noted Tulip. "It's the only way to get my number down. Let's get through this car as quickly as possible." She reached for the handle of the next train car. Stepping inside, the three found themselves in a pastel world. "What is this place?" asked Atticus. "Ponyville," smiled Tulip. "Okay, new plan. We're staying here." "But what about going home?" "I am home," said Tulip, with no room for argument. TV STATIC
Inauguration 2021Ex-Princess Celestia sipped her morning tea, enjoying Wuthering Hooves. The book was considered a classic of Equestrian literature. She remembered when it first came out and the stir it caused in literary circles. She had intended to read it then to decide on its merits herself, but royal duties took up all of her time. Now, 173 years after its publication, she finally had time to engross herself in its prose. "Sister!" Celestia looked up, "What's wrong Luna?" Ex-Princess Luna was excited. "We just received the Manehattan Times. Look at this." She shoved the paper on top of the book and pointed at the front page. Biden Inaugurated as 46th President! New Era in Washington. At 78 Becomes Oldest President. Harris Becomes First Female Vice-President. "Yes, Tia. Dost thou know what this means?" "I suppose our relations with the United States will be improved?" she assumed. "Not just that." "That the tariffs will be reduced?" she ventured. "That's not necessarily what I was implying." "That Equestria should prepare for a state visit?" she proposed. "No." "Then what?" "Seventy-eight! We could have continued ruling for years to come!!!" TV STATIC Author's Note I wanted to do something to mark the occasion, and this is what came to mind.
KFC"I'll have a large bucket of fried chicken" An angelic voice came across the intercom. "Eight, twelve, or sixteen piece?" "Twelve - better make that extra crispy - a sixteen-piece bucket of grilled chicken, two colonel sandwiches, and a large Coke." "I'm so sorry, but we only have Pepsi products." "Okay, give me a large Pepsi." "Please pull around to the first window." The man pulled up to the window and exclaimed, "Fluttershy!" "Yes?" "What are you doing working at KFC?" "Well, I needed a job since our show ended." TV STATIC Author's Note Surprisingly, I couldn't find prices for these products when I searched online. Be sure to check back tomorrow for a special topical chapter of Robot Pony! Dreadnought
Superbowl Party!On the Apple Farm... Wham! Thunk! Shwin! "I've got you cornered!" declared Rainbow Dash as she banged on the game controller. "It ain't over yet!" retorted Applejack as she frantically manipulated the controls. "They've been at it for hours," observed Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. "Those two certainly are competitive," remarked Rarity. Shrugging, Sunset Shimmer said, "Eh, they are pretty evenly matched. They won't play me anymore because I always win." Pinkie burst into the room, "I've got cupcakes!" "Would you two put it away already," said Rarity to the two gamers. "We need the television." Wha-wha-wha-whaaaaaa! "How did you?" sputtered Rainbow. "Awe, can't take a loss?" smiled Applejack. "Well, it's almost kickoff. Time to put on CBS." "We aren't watching the Superbowl," said Rarity. "What!" "We decided to put on a watch a wonderful romantic comedy instead." "You can't be serious!" Twilight said, "We voted on it and it won, 5-0." "What!" exclaimed Rainbow again. "Five-nuthin'?" wondered Applejack. "You two were so wrapped up in your game you missed the vote," said a smug Rarity. Applejack and Rainbow Dash exchanged looks. At Twilight's house... "Do we have the pizza?" asked Shining Armor. "Eeyup," replied Big Mac. "Soda?" "Eeyup." "Nachos." "Eeyup." "Wings?" "Eeyup." "Burgers." "Eeyup." "96 inch tv with surround sound?" "Eeeeyup!!!" Shining Armor, Big Mac, Spike, Zephyr Breeze and Flash Sentry all cheered "Guys Night!" "And the Buccaneers, who have won the toss, have elected to kick. They line up...." Ding! Dong! "Who could that be, right at kickoff?" wondered Shining. He opened the door and two girls pushed past him heading to the living room. "Rainbow? Applejack?" "Thanks for inviting us!" said Rainbow Dash as she dug into the steaming pizza. TV STATIC Author's Note After what the Chiefs did to my team in the playoffs, I'm rooting for the Bucs!
The Author Gets LazyPonyville Mane six walk down street pinkie pie looks up to sky - Look how fast that pony clears the clouds rainbow gets jealous [insert ten seconds flat joke] the two ponies race to see how fast sky can be cleared insert pinkie cheering rainbow insert best pony Applejack speaking in southern accent insert twilight speaking technobabble other pony wins rarity faints - fainting couch appears from nowhere rainbow upset at loss luna celebrates her victory over rainbow audience laughs Author's Note insert note about well written chapters resuming soon
Pony Tales: Pinkie PieOh, I'm so very happy you decided to come read my story. It's going to be so much fun to write! Where to start? Oh, how silly of me. At the beginning, of course! So there I was - sorry about that, there was this squirrel outside my window. I bet Fluttershy would be able to tell me what he was looking for. She's good with animals, you know. It is how she got her cutie mark. Well, maybe Dashie and her sonic rainboom had something to do with it, but she wouldn't have known she was good with animals if Dashie's sonic rainboom hadn't scared all the animals away. Where was I? Oh, yeah, the beginning. So, you remember when Twilight became an alicorn? No, really, do you? I do. It was right after Twilight switched our cutie marks. I don't know about you, but I find it funny. Twilight got to be an alicorn after switching our cutie marks. Starlight Glimmer removed our cutie marks. Even though that was a pretty meanie thing to do, doesn't that rank right up there? Shouldn't Starlight be an alicorn? Anyways, I decided to throw an alicorn party. So the next day I sneaked - snuck? - I don't want to get this wrong, especially if Rarity reads this chapter. She polices our writings and was super unhappy I included a mini party cannon in my journal entry. Anyways, I went to the library the next day when Twilight was out. I got it all fixed up. I had games. I had cake. I had punch. I had a special little alicorn pinata - does that word need that funny squiggly line in it? I had everything. I gathered the whole town in the library to suprise her. But she suprised us! She had gone to Canterlot to get ready for her coronation! Well, I didn't want to let a party go to waste, so we partied without her until Celestia rose the sun. The library was a mess, worse than Sugarcube Corner was after I babysat for Pound and Pumpkin, so I had to spend the day cleaning it up. The end. No wait, there's more! After the coronation, I held another super duper party for Twilight. Because that's what I do. I'm the super duper party pony! Now it's the end!!! Oh, wait, did I mention that Berry Punch managed to get Cranky drunk? It was hilarious! You should have been there! Now it's the end. For sure. No doubt. Yep, still the end. Author's Note Wasn't that a great chapter! I hope you enjoyed it! I've never published before! Oh, unless you count my entry into the journal that got published in that book. Oh! I did get some recipes in a cookbook once! They were super duper yummy! The editors wouldn't use my strawberry-cinnamon-cilantro cupcakes. I don't know why. Their loss. Pinkie Pie B.S. Wait, I mean P.S. Rainbow wants to go next. She says that her chapter will knock the socks off of you. I didn't know humans wore socks. We only wear them in the bedroom. Are you reading this in bed?
Pony Tales: Rainbow DashThe Most Awesome True Story Ever! by Rainbow Dash the ponies huddled together, surrounded by a horde of terrifying ogres. Twilight tried making friends. Rarity lay on her fainting couch with her face buried in a carton of ice cream. Fluttershy covered her face with her hooves. Pinkie Pie was playing a funeral march on her yovidaphone. Applejack shook in fear, a yellow puddle on the ground beneath her. the ogres smiled, their fangs glinting in the torchlight. they drew their swords. they raised their axes. they pulled back on their bows ready to let loose a volley of arrows. "This looks like the end," said Twilight. "reckon so," squeaked Applejack as she added to the puddle beneath her. "I've made plans for our funerals," said Pinkie. "We're doomed. Dooooooooomed!" wailed Rarity. "Won't somepony please save us!" Suddenly there was an deafening boom in the sky. evry creature looked up to see a massive rainbow spread out in all directions The orgres were confused. suddenly, faster than the eye could see, a rainbow colored trail zipped among them. Ogres fell left and right. Dozens - no hundreds - no millions were beaten to a pulp. In ten seconds flat it was all over. the ponies gazed in wonder to see a super cool radical hypersonic ultrapowerful awesomely invincible pegasus standing upon a pile of ogres. "RAINBOW DASH!" celebrated Pinkie Pie. "Our savior!" cried Rarity. "Mah sorry flank was saved by the best pony in Equestria!" announced honest Applejack. "RAINBOW DASH!" said Twilight. "What you've accomplished is twenty percent cooler than completing Starswirl's unfinished spell!" RAINBOW DASH smiled as she disappeared into a white ball of energy... That afternoon, Canterlot celebrated the coronation of the coolest princess around. RAINBOW DASH addressed the thousands of ponies who came out. "I just want to let you know, I may be an alicorn and a princess, but that's not going to change who I am. I'll always be there to kick some flank to save Equestria! I'm Equestria's greatest hero, and nothing's going to happen while I'm around." The crowd of millions cheered as the Wonderbolts did a flyby in celebration. "Your highness," said Spitfire. "I have decided to retire. The Wonderbolts need a new leader. I was hoping you'd become the next captain." "Alright!" Soarin came up next with a bouquet of flowers. "RAINBOW DASH, you're the hottest mare around. Could I go on a date with the sexiest mare in the universe?" "Heck yeah!" RAINBOW DASH looked around at all her friends, the other weaker alicorns, and the billions of cheering fans "BEST DAY EVER!!!" Author's Note That was my first story ever and I know what you're thinking. "That story was awesome!" "That story was the best chapter of Robot Pony!" "That story is the best thing ever put on fimfiction!" "That was the greatest story ever told!" And you'd be right. Try beating this, Twilight! Rainbow Dash
Pony Tales: Twilight SparkleAuthor's Note I would just like to address the wild unfounded rumors running rampant about me. Somepony, I don't know who, has been spreading rumors that I spend my time secluded in the library writing romance stories where I ship friends, family, neighbors and even villains. Allegedly, deep in some hidden room in the basement of my castle, locked away in an unmarked filing cabinet, there exists a secret shipfic folder with scores of such tales. These rumors are complete and utter nonsense. I vehemently deny all this groundless speculation into my private life and ask that ponies stop circulating such untrue gossip. Now I present my contribution, which I wrote just now. Twilight Sparkle Pony Tales: Twilight Sparkle An Officer and a Gentlemare by Twilight Sparkle The white unicorn leaned over the table, propping her head upon her hooves. She let her perfectly coiffed purple mane spill over her shoulders and dance upon her little black dress. Her necklace, dripping with diamonds, shimmered in the flickering candlelight. She smiled seductively at the pony across the table. "Darling," she purred, "have you ever experienced a perfect moment?" "What do you mean?" asked her companion. "I find everything is just... perfect. My award winning fashion line has made the cover of Vanity Mare. You've commissioned and are now the newest member of the Wonderbolts. And here we are, at the most romantic restaurant in Canterlot." "I..." hesitated her companion. "What's wrong?" asked the concerned mare. Shaking her rainbow mane, her companion sighed, "Clarity... we need to talk. You deserve to be happy, to be with the pony of your dreams. I'm sorry, but I can't be with you. There's only one mare who truly captures my heart." "Sonic Spectrum?" she faltered. "I'm sorry," repeated the blue pegasus as she left the table. The next day a most unusual visitor graced the shop floor at the Canterlot Paper Mill. Amongst the humming machinery that churned out all sorts of paper products, a figured walked with a sense of determination. Sonic Spectrum strode through the factory in her spotless, pressed dress white uniform. All around the workers stopped what they were doing to watch the scene. At the end of the line, a lavender unicorn hunched over the machine, inspecting the finished product. Her two-toned purple and pink mane was tied loosely in a ponytail that hung over her dirty denim overalls. Sonic approached the mare and tapped her on the shoulder. The unicorn turned around and instantly her frown was transformed into a perplexed smile. "Hello," said Sonic. "There's something I need to say to you." "You had me at hello," responded the mare. "Please, Evening Twinkle, I need to say this. I made a mistake. I realize that I was selfish, that I was a jerk. But you.... You make me want to be a better mare." Without any warning, Twinkle darted forward and the two shared a long, passionate kiss. Breaking the kiss, a smiling Twinkle giggled with happiness. Sonic Spectrum smiled in return then scooped up Twinkle in her forelegs, carrying her out of the factory to the cheers and tears of the fellow workers....
Pony Tales: RarityAuthor's Note Hello Darlings, I hope you don't mind me taking a little longer to publish my fabulous contribution to this anthology series. I have been so busy of late with working on my spring fashion line and managing my three stores. But do, please, read and enjoy this piece of art. Pony Tales: Rarity It was a dark and stormy night. Quite unusual for Canterlot. The pegasi had been force to postpone numerous light rains due to the annual Spring Festival celebrating the end of winter and instead created a mass of black clouds that engulfed the capital. Now, as I gazed out the window, the streetlamp at the corner was barely visible through the pounding rain. My evenings in the city typically were occupied by the latest society event or soirée. It seems everypony wanted to get the opinion of the latest up-and-coming fashionista. But not tonight. The thought of traipsing through the storm was horrid - even if I could have shown off one my fabulous raincoats. So instead, I took advantage of the respite to work on my spring collection from my upstairs workroom at Canterlot Carousel. The lights flickered with the lightning of the storm. I sat lost in thought, my only companion the softly humming sewing machine before me. BAM! I bolted upright as the stitching of the new gown became ruined. From downstairs I heard a blood-chilling scream. I rushed across the room and down the stairs to the darkened showroom. I lit my horn, useful not only for fighting back the shadows but also charging a powerful burst to repel a possible assailant. When I reached the bottom of the stairs the room lay still. The front door stood open, allowing the sound of the downpour outside to enter along with the occasional gust of wind-blown rain. I took a breath and put as much courage into my words as I dared. "Is anypony there?" Nothing. I turned my head from side to side, but didn't see anypony. With my magic I flipped a switch and the showroom was filled with light and a second blood-curling scream. Except, this one was from me. Sprawled in the center of my showroom lay none other than Fleur de Lis. Motionless. With a knife plunged into her back. An hour later, I was again explaining my story to the detective. I told him I had been working upstairs when I heard a terrible noise from my showroom. Yes, I must have left the boutique's front door unlocked. No, I wasn't expecting her. Yes, I knew the victim. No, I had not tampered with any evidence. No, I didn't know the circumstances around her death. Finally, the body was removed, and I was escorted downtown. I entered the police station, a place that could use a light feminine touch with some hard cleaning, and related my story again. The detective sat behind a typewriter filling out the forms. Once he was done, I had to sign my official statement. "Thank you sir, I will head back to my shop. Perhaps have a nice, soothing tea." "If you want my recommendation, hard liquor would be the way to go." Given my nerves at the moment, he may have been right about needing something a little stronger. But hard liquor? No. A glass or two of pinot noir by the fireplace would suit me better. He interrupted my train of thought. "One more thing." "Yes." "I'm sorry, but you're going to have to come with me." Confused, I followed him down to the basement and into a room. Upon a table lay a mass, hidden under a sheet. I gulped. An elderly stallion entered the room. "Good evening miss, I'm the coroner for Canterlot. I'm going to have to have you officially identify the body." I steeled myself, but even after seeing my friend earlier, I still felt sick. Her lifeless body lay upon the table. The knife had been removed but the wound still fresh, and I could see deep into the wound. I quickly confirmed it was Fleur before rushing to the bathroom to empty my stomach. The next day I paid a call at the police station and was ushered to the detective I had met the night before. "How can I help you miss?" he asked gruffly. I bit my lower lip. "I don't mean to intrude, but I find myself in a difficult situation. I loaned a very valuable necklace to Fleur for last week's gala. I was hoping to retrieve it. I realize that an expensive necklace mysteriously disappearing from the victim's flat would raise questions. I would be ever so grateful if you could help me," I batted my eyelashes at the detective. "Miss, we in the middle of a murder investigation." "I realize that. Unfortunately, the client who had it special ordered will be coming to Canterlot to pick it up." He sighed, "You're in luck. We've got a team over at her apartment right now." The detective was kind enough to escort me to Fleur's apartment. It was not foreign to me. She had hosted me before for afternoon tea and once for a charity fundraiser. It was in an upscale building located on Canterlot's upper west side, the kind where most ponies find their year's pay spent on a month's rent. The posh penthouse had equally sweeping views of the city and the Equestrian countryside in the valley below. It had been decorated by a famed Manhattan designer using only the finest of imported furniture from Prance. I followed the detective into the penthouse, and saw several other officers investigating the scene. One was reading through a pile of books on the coffee table, apparently searching through her diaries. Another was taking notes. I noticed the door to the large coat closet stood open. Inside hung shawls and capes and wraps, many of my own design. There was also a large coat fit for a stallion. "Miss?" "Oh, yes," I acknowledged. "I'll take you to the back." He led me back to the finely-appointed master bedroom. It was as equally impressive as the public areas of the penthouse. Curiously, the bed was unmade and a familiar scent, a perfume that I couldn't place a hoof on, lingered in the air. I saw an armoire and trotted over. "She's here to retrieve her necklace," explained the detective. "There's plenty of jewelry in there," responded the other officer. "It doestn' look like anything was taken." I searched through all of her jewels. Honestly, I felt ashamed rummaging through a murdered mare's personal belongings, but my client would be in Canterlot that afternoon. Finally I found the necklace and, after showing it to the detective, carefully stowed it into my saddle bag. As he led me out, I heard the other officers conversing. "If you ask me, it was her coltfriend." "Yeah, Fancy Pants is the prime suspect." The next few days were scandalous. Fancy Pants, the noted member of high society, had been arrested for murder! The team of high-profile lawyers from Manehattan, Fillydelphia, and even San Franciscolt would make the upcoming proceedings the trial of the century. I did my best to weather the storm. Being a friend of both Fluer's and Fancy's put me in a difficult position and cast guilt by association upon me. I forced myself to attend society events. I could not, nor would not, hide in my boutique. I knew it would be best to be out letting ponies know I had nothing to hide. I will admit, however, that however easy that may sound on paper, it is quite the opposite when you are about with hundreds of eyes on you. A week later I found myself at an upscale party. Of course, the main topic of conversation was the murder. Equicide was rare in Canterlot, but the high-profile nature of the victim and the accused, the grisly nature of the crime, and the speculation that the guilty would beat the rap all made it everypony's favorite piece of gossip. "Well, they were known for having relationship issues," said one mares in the conversation. "And he is known for having his way," said another. I stomped my hoof. "I, for one, cannot believe that he did it. I know him, he's better than murder!" "Perhaps you do not know him as well as you think," said the voice I least wanted to hear. I spun around, "Prince Blueblood." "They say the police have a solid case," he remarked as he continued on towards the bar. That night I tossed and turned. I just couldn't get over it. Something was wrong. Something didn't make sense. Something didn't fit. I bolted upright and gazed out the window. Two in the morning is not the time to be awake. Unable to return to sleep, I trotted over to my workroom. Hopefully, the constant familiar drone would set my mind at ease so that sleep would return. But I kept turning it over and over in my mind. Something was annoying me, like a mismatched button on a dinner jacket. Suddenly it hit me. I raced down the stairs and out the door. The police station was only a few blocks away.... I stood patiently by the door with a squad of police. Silence reigned. Finally, the door swung open. "What is the meaning of this!?" he demanded. "Prince Blueblood," I began. "We have found the murderer of Fleur de Lis." "You have?" he asked, confusion evident in his voice. "Yes. It was you." "Oh, don't be ridiculous." "It all makes sense. When I visited Fleur's penthouse I saw a stallion's coat in her closet. I, like the police, assumed it was Fancy's. But I had taken his measurements for a suit two month's ago. The coat in the closet was much too big for him. It must have come from another, larger stallion." "I won't listen to this rubbish," he insisted, but found his path blocked by the police. "In Fleur's bedroom, I smelled a delightful perfume. But last night I realized it wasn't perfume - it was a stallion's cologne. Juniper Phoenix, the same brand you're wearing now." "That's not enough to accuse me, a member of the royal family - " "And the knife was not any old knife. It was a dueling knife. They always come in pairs." He glared at me. A police officer added, "We searched your house today and found a matching knife - only one matching knife." "Why you!" bellowed Prince Blueblood. He lowered his glowing horn at me. I gasped. A second later he was tackled by a group of police ponies. "Well," noted the detective. "You certainly wrapped this case up." "Yes. But it doesn't change the fact that somepony was murdered...."
Pony Tales: ApplejackAuthor's Note Howdy Y'all! I know it's been my turn at a chapter for a while, but with all the planting an farmwork an harvesting, I haven't had much time to write. I also wasn't sure what to write so I asked my friends for advice. Twilight thought it should have some shipping. Rarity wanted it to have culture, like Weathering Hoofs. Rainbow Dash said it should show how awesome she was. I thought about it, but nothing came to mind. I asked my family what they thought. Apple Bloom wanted to be in it. Granny said it should have Sweet Apple Acres so we could get some free advertising. Big Mac suggested something epic, like that there board game he an Discord an Spike play. So, I finally sat down and wrote it. I hope y'all like it! Applejack Pony Tales: Applejack Roar! The hydra rampaged through town, its heads whipping about like cornstalks in a tornado. Jaws snapped at anypony within reach. "Rainbow Dash, distract the heads!" ordered Twilight. "On it!" cried RD, swooping in and out. Jaws tried to bite that pony in half, but she was too fast. "We've got to slow it down! Applejack - " She didn't have to say anymore. I twirled my lasso an snared the tail an pulled on the rope with all my might. The hydra charged forward. I was nearly dragged along with it, but I dug my hooves into the ground. That varmint wasn't going to get away from me! Out of the corner of my eye, I say half a dozen party cannons firing confetti an cake at the belly of the beast firing. Then a large, colorful banner in a blue magic aura wrapped around the hydra's legs causing it to slam onto the ground. After what seemed like forever, Twilight did some of her fancy unicorn magic and the hydra was fast asleep. That night I trudged home in the dark. I was tired. I was dirty. I was sore in places I'd never been sore before. All I wanted was a hot meal, a warm bath, and a good nights sleep. "Applejack! Are y'all alright?" asked Granny Smith as she eyed the black bruises over my body. "I'm fine." I says. "I heard there was a hydra." says Apple Bloom. "Yeah, it was tearing up the town." "I wanted to go see it, but Big Mac would let me." she pouted. "Eeyup." he says. I says, "Well, he's right on that. Taking down a hydra's a dangerous job." "You do it." she says. "Well, somepony had to do it." "Eeyup." "Isn't there a better way?" asked Granny Smith. "I don't know," I rubbed my chin. "I know!" says Apple Bloom. "You do?" "Leave it all to me! Zecora taught me a potion that will be a big help!" A few weeks later, town got attacked again. A horde from the Storm King's - or should I say the former Storm King - army stormed into Ponyville when Twilight was in Canterlot. "There's too many of them, even for me!" says Rainbow Dash. Rarity wailed "Whatever shall we do?" like she does. You know what I mean. Though her fainting couch didn't show up. I could tell we were in a real nasty fight. But then I remembered I had planned for another emergency. "I've got this!" I says. I put my hoof to my mouth and let out a loud whistle. "What good is that going to do!" demands RD. A moment later, there was a terrific roar and then these things come charging out of the forest. "What are those?" asks RD. "Apple Bloom created them with her potions. She calls them ents." I says. The ents went to war and that was the shortest battle I've ever been in!
Pony Tales: FluttershyAuthor's Note Thank you Applejack for that wonderful chapter you published yesterday. I hope everypony enjoys my chapter. Fluttershy Pony Tales: Fluttershy It was a beautiful day in Ponyville. The peagsi had cleared the sky the night before and Celestia's golden sun shone overhead. The robins were singing in the trees while a gentle breeze brought scents of wildflowers. "Oh, Mr. Bear, would you like more tea?" Hairy shook his head yes. "There you go. Would you like sugar or - " I can tell where this is going, and it looks pretty lame. So I decided to take over and make it more exciting. Angel The ponies huddled together, surrounded by a horde of terrifying ogres. Twilight tried making friends. Rarity lay on her fainting couch with her face buried in a carton of ice cream. Pinkie Pie was playing a funeral march on her yovidaphone. Applejack shook in fear. Below Rainbow Dash lay a yellow puddle. The ogres smiled, their fangs glinting in the torchlight. They drew their swords. They raised their axes. They pulled back on their bows ready to let loose a volley of arrows. "This is the end," said Twilight. "Y'all are so right," squeaked Applejack as she added to the puddle beneath her. "I've made plans for our funerals," said Pinkie. "We're doomed. Dooooooooomed!" wailed Rarity. "Won't somepony please save us!" Suddenly there was a blue of white. Ogres fell left and right. Hundreds were beaten to a bloody pulp. In ten seconds flat it was all over. "Angel!" celebrated Pinkie Pie. "Our savior!" cried Rarity. "You're twenty percent cooler than me!" announced Rainbow Dash. "Oh, Angel," began Twilight. "Thank you so very much. How about - " Hey! That's my story everypony. Angel's been ripping me off. I'm taking over! Rainbow Dash A thousand ogres came over the crest of the hill. Rainbow Dash proclaimed "Me, the most awesome pony in Equestria, will stop them! "Rainbow Dash! I love you!" cried Twilight. Twilight! Let me write this thing. And then an army of ents - Applejack! And then Pinkie Pie fired off her party cannon and took out all the ogres! Then we all partied! PINKIE! Hello it's me! The Author. I think things are getting out of hoof so I'm taking my story back! Expect new chapters, starting with one tomorrow! Dreadnought
Oliver TwistOliver reluctantly walked up to the front of the room. He looked up to the Hasbro executive standing high behind the podium. Oliver took a deep calming breath, steeling his nerves for what he had to say. With wide eyes he pleaded, "Please sir, I want some more." "What!" cried the executive. "Please sir, I want some more My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic." "More!? You want more!" TV STATIC Author's Note I think we can all agree with Oliver.
November 1stFluttershy trotted down Stirrup Street. All about ponies were taking down their Nightmare Night decorations, much to the pegasus's relief. She had spent another year locked in her cottage and huddled under the bed with all her animal friends providing moral support. But another Nightmare Night had come and gone without incident. Reaching Sugarcube Corner, she opened the door and stepped inside, instantly hit by all the wonderful scents of the delicious baked goods. Upon the counter sat several frosted cakes. In the display cabinet lay scores of mouth-watering sweets. And on the shelf - "Happy Day of the Dead!" cried a skeleton. "Eeep!" cried Fluttershy, falling backwards. The skeleton pushed its mask up. "Fluttershy, are you okay?" asked Pinkie Pie. "Uh, Fluttershy." She turned and yelled towards the kitchen, "Mr. Cake, we need the smelling salts out here." "Is it Fluttershy again?" came his voice. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy (belated) Halloween!
G5The White House Friday, November 5th, 2021 10:20 AM: Fox New White House Correspondent Peter Doocy rose from his seat. "Mr. President, given your party's losses in the Tuesday elections, don't you think it's a referendum on your Build Back Better agenda?" "Well, the bill's not finalized, but - uh - there's a lot of things people will like. There's paid family leave... free pre-school... college funding... there's a push to provide internet across rural America. I think you underestimate how much people want G5 on Netflix. I know I want my G5 on Netflix...." Fimfiction.net 10:35 AM: Applejack1984: Did you see? Joe Biden came out as a Brony! JediPonyKnight: He did! That's awesome! I just may vote for him in 2024. Imthebest: How could you vote for him? I'll never vote for him! Applejack1984: We have to support our fellow bronies! The Internet 11:23 AM: The White House 1:33 PM: Jen Psaki licked her lips and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She answered the reporter's questions, "I'll have to ask the President how much he watches My Little Pony." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "I'll circle back around to this issue." Fox News 9:00 PM: "...and now Joe Biden, the leader of the free world, just admitted that he spends time watching My Little Pony. What do the Chinese and North Koreans think about this?..." asked Sean Hannity. MSNBC 9:00 PM: "...And how dare those nuts on the right attack the President for watching My Little Pony. It's the greatest show out there. It teaches about friendship and working together...." droned Rachael Maddow. CNN 10:00 PM: "...Now Republicans are attacking President Biden for watching My Little Pony. Joe Biden is setting the example for all Americans by watching a show about friendship. Maybe if those on the right watched My Little Pony, we wouldn't have had the insurrection on January 6th...." lectured Don Lemon. CBS Sunday, November 7th, 2021 9:01 AM: Jane Pauly addressed the camera, "With President Biden admitting that he watches My Little Pony, we take a look into the brony subculture in our Sunday Morning Cover Story...." CNN Sunday, November 7th, 2021 9:20 AM: Jake Tapper asked his guest, "So, what are the political implications of President Biden coming out as a brony?" The guest said, "It's obvious. The bronies are a political force and Joe Biden is seeking to bring them to his party. The Republicans will be in serious trouble if they don't reach out to the brony community...." The White House Sunday, November 7th, 2021 1:33 PM: Jen Psaki licked her lips and brushed the hair out of her eyes. She addressed the White House Press Corps, "I've spoken with the President, and I have some clarification." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "What the President meant to say on Friday was that the Build Back Better agenda will enable Americans to have 5G. With 5G, they will be able to watch anything on Netflix. This has nothing to do with My Little Pony." She brushed the hair out of her eyes again. "Now, I'll take another question, as long as it doesn't involve My Little Pony." TV Static Author's Note Just wondering how a gaffe by President Biden would play out.
Making RightAt the Golden Oak Library: Rarity turned to the earth pony, "Did you hear that, Applejack? You certainly would not want to do anything that would ruin Twilight's very first slumber party, would you?" Applejack sighed, "Of course not, 'n you wouldn't either, I reckon?" "So do we have an agreement?" "You betcha." Applejack spit on her hoof and held it out to seal the deal. Rarity cringed away, "Oh! Gross! You know, there's messy and there's just plain rude." Irritated, Applejack fumed, "You know, there's fussy, 'n there's just plain gettin' on my nerves." Glaring at the farmer, she said, "Fortunately, I can get along with anypony, no matter how difficult she may be." "Oh yeah? Well, I'm the 'get-alongin-est' pony you're ever gonna meet." "That's not even a word," retorted the unicorn. The next day... Dear Merriam-Webster, I was searching your dictionary, and I noticed that a word was missing. I could not find getalongingest anywhere. Please add it to your dictionary. Sincerely, Applejack Dear Merriam-Webster, I know that you said in your letter that getalongingest was not a real word. But it is such a great word. It perfectly describes somepony like me - a pony who can get along with anypony, no matter how prissy or annoying they are. Sincerely, Applejack Dear Merriam-Webster, I still think getalongingest would make a good word. I'll prove it by using it in some books. Then you'll have to include it. Sincerely, Applejack Thirty-nine letters and five bestsellers later.... Applejack held up the dictionary. "See there Rarity! 'Getalongingest. Adjective. Ability to work with others despite the challenges.'" TV STATIC Author's Note Ah, how could we forget such a classic episode!
The Silent Service0933 Zulu The North Atlantic USS Dallas "We've got a contact!" cried Petty Officer Jones. He began analyzing the signature. "It's a Typhoon-class... I think it's a new boat." He pressed some more buttons. "Starting recording." 0935 Zulu The Red October "...when the world trembled at the sound of our rockets. Well, they will tremble again, at the sound of our silence." Captain Ramius gave the order, "Engage the caterpillar drive!" Doors opened and the screws stopped spinning. A moment later twin jets of water silently propelled the Red October forward. 0937 Zulu USS Dallas Alarms starting ringing out. "What happened?" asked Master Chief Watson. "It's gone. One moment it was there and then it wasn't. And..." trailed off Jones. "And?" pressed Captain Mancuso. "I heard something when it went silent." "What?" "I heard singing." "Singing?" "Yes Sir, let me pull up the tapes." He pressed a few buttons then pushed play: ♫ Soon, one small thing leads to more It's so much more than there was before Just one small thing, and you will see The start of something big for you and me ♫ Mancuso balked, "What the -" TV STATIC
101 DalmatiansThe rickety moving truck bounced down the snow-covered country road. For a moment, Pongo and Perdita thought they were in the clear. The worried puppies poked their heads out of their hiding places. "Do you hear that?" asked Perdita. "It's a car," answered Pongo. "Cruella?" "Doesn't sound like her car.... Oh, no! It's worse!" Then, came a terrifying roar. Skidding along the icy road, a car came hurtling towards the truck. Every puppy scrambled into hiding from fear. With a wild passion in her eyes, the pink haired driver screamed at the top of her lungs, "YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE ME!" TV STATIC
Library TimeFluttershy sat for hours in the CHS library engrossed in a thick book. "Oh, darling, it looks like we've both found good books," said Rarity as she strolled up. "Oh yes. It's an absolutely great book. I haven't enjoyed reading so much since I read Wuthering Heights." "And what is this amazing book?" "It's Love in the Time of Cholera by Nobel prize winning author Gabriel García Márquez," explained Fluttershy. "Oh." "What's your book?" Rarity held it up. The title read "Love in the Time of Covid." TV STATIC
ExtinctionAnd Noah did as he was told. He built an ark three hundred cubits in length, fifty cubits in breadth, and thirty cubits in height. And when it was done, the animals came two by two, male and female. Then Noah sealed the ramp for the ark and the rain began to fall. "Whowhee!" cried the orange pony throwing her hat into the air. "The earth pony tribe is saved! Ah'm sure glad we made it onto the ark." Looking around, she asked, "Say... any creature seen Rarity?" Meanwhile... The purple-maned unicorn rushed about. "We must hurry! The rain is ruining my mane!" "If you hadn't packed so much, we might not be late." The unicorn stallion struggled under the weight of a hundred suitcases and valises and trunks. "It's going to rain for forty days and forty nights, I need a lot of raincoats. And we're going to be on it for a hundred and fifty days, so I require a lot of outfits to look fabulous! Don't worry, darling. They won't leave without us." TV STATIC
New StudentTwilight Sparkle addressed the assembled student body of her school. "Now every creature, we will have a new student. Doctor Whooves found him and thought he would benefit from learning friendship. I want you all to make him feel welcome." Everyone eyed the new student warily. Twilight turned and smiled at the new student. "Dalek, would you like to say something to your classmates?" Scanning the auditorium, it finally said, "Exterminate! Exterminate!" The students started screaming and broke for cover. TV STATIC Author's Note
New Student IIEverycreature was gathered in the school's tattered auditorium. Some still wore shell-shocked expressions, while a few still smoked from scorch marks. Twilight Sparkle approached the podium, which had a few holes in it that weren't there yesterday. "Ahem," she began. "I believe our new student has something he would like to say." All the students tensed, ready to charge or break for cover. The Dalek moved around, examining the crowd. "Apologize! Apologize!" "Thank you," smiled Twilight as the students collectively exhaled. "Friendship, friendship! Friendship, Friendship!" TV STATIC
2022!Discord, robed in a purple smoking jacket, leaned back in a plush armchair. Removing his pipe, he addressed the reading audience. "Good afternoon. I've just been reflecting on all the chaos of 2021... capitol riots.... Delta variant... cancellation of the Keystone XL Pipeline... climate change... Omicron variant... oil spills... hurricanes... anti-lockdown protests... Prince Harry and Prime Willaim family fueding... I could go on and on. Why, the only predictable thing about 2021 was Tom Brady winning another Superbowl. Since Friendship is Magic finished in October 2019, I've had plenty of idle time. When will you humans learn that the best way to avoid Chaos is to have me appear on My Little Pony?" He sighed, "Oh well, I guess I'll make plans for 2022." He put his pipe back in his mouth and blew bubbles. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy New Year! How do you like my new cover art? It seemed time for a more pony-themed piece of art.
CutawayPeter and Lois stared at the anarchy that was the living room. Stewie sat on the floor, slowly crooning "I'm a little teapot" while Meg painted the walls a fluorescent orange. Brian lay dead on the couch, his mouth outlined by black as a large box of half-eaten chocolate bon-bons sat next to him. Chris was in the corner, dancing and worshipping a large tiki idol. "What the hell!" cried Lois. Peter excalimed, "Yeah, this is more messed-up than that episode of My Little Pony I watched." ***CUTAWAY*** Cheerilee stood in the middle of the classroom, surrounded by her students. "Class, I have a surprise for you today. We're going on a field trip," she explained. "Yeah!" cried the students as Scootaloo's wings buzzed in excitement. "Where are we going?" asked Sweetie Belle. "Where going to the glue factory." "Yeah!" cried the students. TV STATIC
The Last Crusade - Alternate EndingSnap Shutter sighed, "Turns out you're just like us, Scoot. You have an important job that only you can do. You love it, and it helps all of Equestria." Mane Allgood added, "Sometimes that means missing out on other things you love, like watching our daughter grow into a pony we're very proud of." Snap Shutter continued, "Which is a long way to say... Scoot, if you want to stay, we understand." Scootaloo, tears welling in her eyes, gasped, "Really?! Thanks, Dad! Thanks, Mom!" Wheeeeeeeee!!! "The train!" said Snap. "We've got to go!" added Mane. "You're not going anywhere!" Everypony looked in shock at Mayor Mare. "What do you mean?" asked a confused Mane. "You two are facing some serious charges. Twelve counts of foal endangerment from bringing a cragadile to Ponyville Elementary. If convicted, you'll be spending a very long time in Ponyville Jail then on local parole." The scene became quiet. "Well...," began Apple Bloom. "Ah guess everything worked out in the end." TV STATIC Author's Note The Last Crusade is on today in an hour. This just came to mind. Dreadnought
The Fall of Mount ArisMorning broke, the sun gradually rising above the horizon. On the walls of Mount Aris, the Hippogriff Army stood at arms, scanning the perimeter. Upon seeing the countryside, the sergeant cried, "They're gone!" "The Storm King's army is gone!" echoed the private. "They couldn't breach our walls!" celebrated the lieutenant. "Look, they left us tribute!" The sergeant cocked his head. "Is that a giant wooden human?" "Bring it in!" ordered the colonel. "Tonight we'll drink and party with not a care in the world!" "Is that a good idea?" questioned the lieutenant. "Of course it is! What's the worst that could happen? Bring it in!" ordered the colonel again. Meanwhile, inside the wooden human, the Storm King's minions bided their time. TV STATIC
CHS Battle of the Bands The judges considered the music... After the end of the song, the judges conferred. Finally, Principal Celestia addressed the audience, "We are in agreement. The act was good, but it needed - " "MORE COWBELL!" cried Vice-Principal Luna. "WE MUST HAVE MORE COWBELL!" TV STATIC Author's Note Yeah, everyone wants MORE COWBELL!!!
The Batsuit"Anything else you can trouble me for?" asked Lucius Fox. Bruce Wayne stated, "I need a new suit." Fox smiled, "Yeah, three buttons is a little Ninety's Mister Wayne." "I'm not talking fashion Mister Fox so much as function." "We're a little busy in Applied Sciences, but I know someone who can help." The next week... Bruce Wayne stood with his jaw hanging wide open. "Ooh," squealed the purple-haired teenage girl, "I knew you'd love it! You're speechless." "What am I looking at Miss Rarity?" Bruce Wayne finally asked. "I know, isn't it fabulous?" she said smiling at her latest creation. "It's pink." "Salmon, darling," Rarity explained. "I wanted - " "Yes, yes, I know. Black. But black is so drab and dreary. This is more fashionable." "Black helps create fear in the hearts of criminals." "And salmon with sequins and gems will create envy in the hearts of fashionistas!" TV STATIC Author's Note Just saw The Batman. It's pretty good. Couldn't come up with a tie-in for that movie yet, but hope you enjoy this The Dark Knight throwback. Dreadnought
Academy Awards"And now, back to the 94th Fashion Academy Awards," boomed the announcer. "And now, to present the award for best fashion documentary, actor Comedy Roast." A pony in a tailored suit trotted onto stage to hoofstomps by the audience. "Good evening ladies and gentlecolts. I see we've got a full house for the ceremony. Every seat is filled." He eyed a particular pony. "And Rarity is sitting in a chair, instead of a fainting couch." There was general laughter as Rarity blushed in embarrassment. "And I see she's brought her marefriend. I think she'd make a great actress. In fact, I know a movie she'd be great for - The Baltimare Hillbillies! I didn't recognize her at first. I thought she'd show up in overalls and straw hat. But she's actually wearing a dress! Well, she's dressed up for a visit to Manehattan, four hundred miles from Ponyville." He leaned forward and stage whispered, "It's actually five hundred miles, but she can't count above four because she'll run out of hooves...." Rarity looked over and saw Applejack. The farmpony was hurt. Her ears drooped and her eyes no longer shined. In fact, they were welling up and Applejack sniffled as she fought back tears. Seeing her marefriend suffering made Rarity livid. No, it filled her with rage! Rarity hopped to her hooves and trotted forward. The comedian was still on his rant about how backwards Applejack was. Rarity's rage became white-hot fury. She climbed the stairs onto the stage. She would protect her marefriend's honor! She wasn't exactly sure, but she knew violence would be involved! She trotted across the stage, the comedian pausing as the irate fashionista approached. Rarity raised her hoof - Before she could strike, a strange bipedal creature stepped in front of her and slapped the comedian across the muzzle. As he walked away, Will Smith said, "How dare you make fun of best pony Applejack! Keep my favorite pony's name out of your foul mouth! TV STATIC Author's Note In case you've been living under a rock since Saturday...
Celebrity Deathmatch"Good Evening and welcome to Celebrity Deathmatch!" said the smiling announcer. "I'm Johnny Gomez, along with my partner, Nick Diamond." "Hello, and boy have we a fight for you tonight," said Nick. "Yes, we sure do. Last Sunday's slap heard round the world was just the opening shot in this fued," responded Johnny. "At first Chris Rock took it on the chin -" "Literally." "- and turned the other cheek -" "LIterally." "- but now he wants to stand up for himself against Will Smith." "Yes, we are shattering viewership tonight with this fight," added Nick. "And in the left corner is Will Smith, who has a long resume of fights." "You're right. From battle aliens in Independence Day, to homicidal androids in I,Robot, to vampires in I Am Legend, to supervillains in Hancock, to aliens again in Men in Black, he has certainly seen his share of fights." "And let's not forget his role as Muhammed Ali," reminded Johnny. "That is one actor I wouldn't want to tangle with." "And in the right corner of the ring is Chris Rock, who - let's see - played a zebra in Madagascar." "I think this fight is pretty much decided," responded Nick. "And we now go live to the floor with referee Mills Lane." The referee said, "I want a good, clean fight. Let's get it on!" "And Will Smith is going for Rock," said Johnny. "He's slapping the comedian again," responded Nick. "I make these look good!" shouted Smith. "And Rock responds with a swing and a miss!" announced Johnny. "Now Will Smith punches Rock in the gut!" "Welcome to Earth!" shouted Smith. "It seems he's just using lines from his movies," added Nick. "Take that one from Men in Black." "That last one was from Independence Day," corrected Johnny. "Of course." "Will Smith delivers a couple of quick punches to Rock, who now is laying on the mat." "I am the greatest!" cried Will Smith. "Well, this match looks like it's over before it really began," lamented Nick. "Will Smith is now celebrating before the crowd." "Wait, Chris Rock is getting up. Will Smith has his back to him and doesn't see him coming!" "Wow! What a great hit! Smith is down! I think he's knocked out!" "You're forgetting I was in Leath Weapon 4!" cried Chris Rock. "And this fight is over. What an ending," said Johnny. "Well folks, that's it for this match. Good fight, good night." An hour later.... The man smiled as two figures approached his table. "Welcome, welcome!" he beamed. "Please take a seat." Will Smith sat down on one side of the table, and Chris Rock sat down on the other. "That was a great fight!" "We did good, mister producer?" asked Chris Rock. "Yes! Celebrity Deathmatch is back!" "Can we change now?" asked Will Smith. "Of course," answered the producer. A flash of green flames later and two insectoid creatures sat with the producer. "I'll make sure your checks are deposited in your accounts," he said. "The money is appreciated," said one creature. "But it's really the love of the audience that we need." "Just keep fighting like that, and you'll get all the love you could ever want," assured the producer. "Now, about next week's fight. I had this in mind." He slid a photograph onto the table. A flash of green flames later, and we was joined by President Vladimir Putin and President Volodymyr Zelenskyy. "We'll smash records again!" TV STATIC
007A man in a smart, tailored suit strode confidently into the office. He gave his usual smile, "Good morning, Moneypenny." "James," she replied, without her usual warmth. "M is waiting for you." He stepped into the office, seeing M sitting behind his desk. "Bond, it's bloody time you got in here," said M. "Well, I was practicing my French." "Practicing French or practicing on a French?" Before Bond could reply, he shook his head and said, "It doesn't matter." M glanced at the papers before him, "We've got a situation of the highest importance." "SPECTRE?" "No. A Freedom of Information Act request." He rose from his desk. "Follow me." The pair left the office and used an elevator to descend deep into MI6's headquarters. Walking down a long hallway, they arrived in a large control room. A group of senior officials had gathered, looking through the windows. Bond and M strode up to the one-way mirror and beheld the sight. A large group of people milled about. Men, women, boys, girls. Whites, blacks, Asians. Blondes, brunettes, red heads. "Who are they?" asked Bond. "Your children," M responded flatly. "My God Bond, you've been busy!" cried one official. "This is a security threat!" lamented a second. "Is that a unicorn?" asked an astonished Q, motioning to a small white mare with a horn. "An alicorn, actually," answered Bond. The shocked group turned to look at Bond wide-eyed. "I assisted the Equestrian Royal Guard and was assigned close escort duty to Princess Celestia." "We can see just how close you got!" responded Q. TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Father's Day!
ConcertMonday, 20 June 2022 The Granada Theater, Santa Barbara Alfred "Weird Al" Yankovic sat in the dressing room getting ready for the concert. It was yet another stop on "The Unfortunate Return of the Ridiculously Self-Indulgent Ill-Advised Vanity Tour." He closed his eyes, visualizing how to make it the best concert ever. Then, from the concert hall, he heard something. The chanting started off soft, then grew. Quickly it became discernable what the audience was demanding: "Cheese Sand-Wich! Cheese Sand-Wich!" He grabbed his accordion and raced to the stage and immediately started singing "The Goof Off" to the cheers of the roaring crowd. TV STATIC Author's Note Okay. That didn't happen. But it would have been epic if it had. Dreadnought
The Last Crusade - Deleted SceneIn between bites of ice cream, Scootaloo continued, "...and Princess Twilight said we're such good friendship tutors, she might even let us teach a class!" "Good on ya, Scoot!" praised Snap Shutter. Mane Allgood beamed, "What an honor!" "I can give you a tour of the school if you want. I mean, if you're staying for a while this time," Scootaloo said hopefully. "Oh, you'll be seeing plenty of us," Snap said with a sly glance at his wife. Scootaloo perked up , "Really?!" Mane nodded, "Mm-hmm. Because we've taken a new job assignment that will let all of us live together!" "I can't believe it! That's awesome!" Scootaloo leapt from her chair and momentarily hovered in place. "All right, Scootaloo!" Apple Bloom gave her friend of hoofbump. "Woo-hoo!" cried Sweetie Belle. Snap Shutter explained, "We never planned to be away for so long in the first place. We just kept discovering things that could help Equestria. And nopony else had the experience to finish our job." Mane Allgood became serious, "But with all that's happened lately – Sombra's return, the destruction of the Tree of Harmony – we decided our family should be together." The pair held out hoofs for their daughter. "Wait!" All eyes turned towards Sweetie Belle. "That caused you to return to Ponyville?" she asked. Mane and Snap shared a confused look between themselves. "Yes," answered Mane. Sweetie Belle said, "What about... ...and the first time... ...and that time... ...and then there was... ...and the terrible... ...and how could you possible forget... Scootaloo thought for a moment. "Now that you mention it, we also had... ...and... ...and then Trixie came back... ...and then Chrysalis came back... ...and we can't forget... ...and what about... ...and I know I told you about... ...and that really powerful... ...and finally... Apple Bloom rubbed her chin, "And that's just what hit Equestria. Scootaloo also... ...and... ...and that other time... "So," summarized Sweetie Belle, "after all that, the destruction of the Tree of Harmony is what finally brought you back to Ponyville?" TV STATIC Author's Note This was inspired by a panel at BABSCon. Dreadnought
Fourth of JulyThe sweet smells of fresh pastries filled the kitchen. "Hoo-wee!" said Applejack. "We're bound to have enough for the party tonight." "I'm so excited!" said Pinkie Pie as she buzzed in anticipation. "Sunset Shimmer, are you excited?" Sunset smiled at her new friend. "Actually, yes. I've been here for a few years, but I've never celebrated the Fourth of July before." "What!?" cried Pinkie Pie. Shrugging, Sunset explained, "It's not something we have in Equestria and I didn't have any friends at Canterlot High." Throwing an arm around her friend, Applejack said, "Well you're in for one heck of a hootenanny tonight." DING! Pinkie bounced over to the oven and pulled out a tray. "What are those?" asked Sunset. "These are my special Fourth of July Firecracker Cupcakes!" She whipped out an icing bag and proceeded to load each of the cupcakes with frosting. The three girls leaned in to look at Pinkie's newest creations.... BANG!!! The girls stood covered with the remains of red, white and blue frosting. Sunset remarked, "Honestly, I'm not surprised." TV STATIC
Big BrotherJulie Chen smiled into the camera. "Now it's time to announce the final contestant on this year's Big Brother. Who will join Jenna, Sarah, Roger, John, Aisha, Robert, and Andrea? Let's find out." Tense music and an uncomfortably drawn-out intro. "Pinkie Pie!" The pink-haired girl bounced into the house to meet the fellow houseguests. "Hiya! My name is Pinkie Pie! It's nice to meet you! You want to be friends!? I'm friends with everyone back in Canterlot! We're going to have so much fun!" A half-awake Aisha trudged down the hall to the bathroom. She reached for the doorknob and opened the door - Boom! "F*%#!" cried Aisha. Pinkie giggled, "I see you found the first of my hidden party cannons!" "That was a great dinner," said Bob. "I'm stuffed," agreed Andrea. "Who wants pie?" said Pinkie as she walked into the dining room somehow carrying eight pies. "I couldn't eat another bite," said John. Pinkie giggled, "There's always room for pie!" Before the other houseguests knew it, they each had a pie in front of them and a piece on a fork in their mouths. Most of the houseguests were fast asleep.... BAM! BAM! da-Bam! drrrRING! All the houseguests rushed into the living room only to be met with a shower of confetti. "Happy New Tuesday!" "This is ridiculous!" cried Andrea as sever others dropped a string of profanity. "Happy New Tuesday!" Shutting the refrigerator door, Bob asked, "Did Pinkie do the grocery shopping?" Looking up from her book, Sarah responded, "Yeah. Why?" "It's all whipped cream." John shut the door. He turned to Aisha, the only other occupant in the room. "We need to talk." "What about?" Taking a hushed tone, he said, "Who we're going to vote out of the house." Speaking in whispers, she said, "I've got an idea for that." "Yeah, I think we should - " "WHAT'CHA TALKING ABOUT!" cried Pinkie Pie as she popped out of the couch cushions. Looking into the camera, Julie Chen said, "And in a unanimous vote, our first evicted houseguest is -" An uncomfortably long silence. "Pinkie Pie!" TV STATIC
Lie DetectorThe district attorney paced back and forth as she continued the questioning. "So, Filthy Rich, you maintain that you did not murder Spoiled Rich?" "Yes, that is correct," responded Filthy. "Even though you knew what a terrible pony she was?" "I did not kill my wife. I'd undergo a lie detector test to prove my innocence." The district attorney smiled. "That can be arranged." The Next Day... A shackled Filthy was escorted down a hallway. "Go inside," commanded the guard. Filthy entered the room to find a single pony sitting at a table, and nothing else. "Where's the lie detecting equipment?" he asked. "I am the lie detector," responded the mare. The Next Day... The district attorney questioned the witness. "So, did you determine his innocence?" "He's guilty," said Applejack. TV STATIC
NopeBig Mac passed into the kitchen. On this particular evening, he lacked his trademark horse collar. His mane had been carefully combed and the scent of Juniper Phoenix lingered in the air. "My Big Mac, you look good for your date with Sugar Belle," noted Applejack. "Can you tell me what movie you're going tah see?" "Nope." "You aren't goin' to tell me what movie you're going to see, then?" "Nope." "You are goin' to tell me what movie you're goin' tah see?" "Nope." "So, you aren't goin' tah tell me?" Big Mac sighed. "There you are," said Sugar Belle. "I was starting to get worried. Did you tell Applejack what movie we're going to see?" "Nope." "'Nope' as in you didn't tell her? Or 'Nope' as in the title of the movie?" "Eeyup." She glared at him. "You know what? We're not doing this. Let's get some popcorn before the trailers come on." TV STATIC Author's Note I actually planned on writing this, and working on my other story, for a while. However, an accident in the kitchen made it painful and difficult to write for the last few weeks. Dreadnought
Lesson Zero I, the author, have interrupted this episode out of protest. I make and use checklists on a daily basis. Furthermore, including the creation of the checklist ensures that it is critical step is completed. How dare the writers poke fun at that! How dare they insult us! Checklistmakers of the world unite! Now back to the regularly scheduled episode. Author's Note If you're in Seattle, come down to Everfree Northwest!
2023CNN: House adjourns after chaotic day without electing a speaker as McCarthy fails to lock down votes Fox News: McCarthy falls short in second House speaker vote as 19 Republican defectors back Jordan BBC: US House in chaos after Kevin McCarthy loses speaker votes Discord smiled mischievously, "Happy new year!"
Speaker of the HouseThe Congressman stood up to address the assembled House. "We have gathered together to choose a new Speaker. We must choose someone who will do what's right for the American people. We must choose someone who can work across party lines, someone who can bring harmony. That's why I'm nominating Princess Twilight Sparkle for this important position." Princess Twilight Sparkle had never failed in her attempts to spread friendship and harmony wherever she went.... That is until she came to Washington, DC. TV STATIC
Royal CoronationCelestia sat at the table, examining the documents spread out before her. The door creaked open and Luna trotted in. "Sister, what are you doing?" Looking up, she explained, "I'm brushing up on my knowledge of the United Kingdom." Rummaging in the kitchen, her sister asked without looking up, "Why?" "I will be representing Equestria at the coronation of King Charles the Third." Filling a teapot with water, Luna pressed, "You volunteered?" Celestia nodded, "It is a great honor to represent one's nation. Princess Twilight wanted a high-level dignitary present." "I'm sure that's the reason," noted Luna as she filled a teapot. "I want to ensure that Equestria puts its best hoof forward to earth," assured Celestia. "So, you will attend the coronation?" "Yes." "And the parade?" "Of course." "And the concert?" "It is part of the celebration." "And the banquet?" "It would be rude of me to not attend." "I hear that they have a bust of the king made of chocolate." "Oh, yes. A life sized bust made of 50 pounds of the best chocolate in ..." Celestia trailed off. Luna gave a knowing smile. "I thought so." Author's Note: I didn't believe it myself until I saw it in the news. Check it out here. Princess Celestia examined the strange building, before trotting inside for a closer inspection. The long aisle was flanked on either side by a series of low doors. She wandered up to one, intending to peer inside, when a head poked out over the door. "Oh, excuse me," said Princess Celestia. The horse merely looked curious. "Is this where you live?" she asked. The horse leaned further over the door to examine the strange talking horse. "You the strong silent type, I see," quipped the princess. From behind came a loud voice, "They should have been saddled hours ago. We're behind schedule! We've got to rush if we want to make sure the King has an escort to Westminster Abbey!" Before she could turn around she felt a heavy item land on her back and something buckling under her barrel. "Excuse me, I believe you have the wrong horse," she said to the startled men. Prince Harry sighed as his car pulled up to Westminster Abbey. Outside stood dozens of paparazzi. He really hated all this attention. He wanted to live a quiet, private life. Why couldn't they just leave him alone? Reaching for the door handle, he grimaced until he noted all the photographers running down the sidewalk to a mass of people. "What's going on?" he wondered. "I suppose it has something to do with that horse over there?" said the driver as he pointed towards the white pony with wings and a horn getting out of a car. Celestia sat in Westminster Abbey awaiting the start of the coronation. By happenstance, she was seated next to the Ambassador of France. "So," she continued, "you're telling me that there is an opportunity to join the European Union?" "Oui. We've had an opening since 2020." Dressed in his finest armor, the Royal Guard stood at attention. Facing him, a member of the King's Guard stood at attention. The Royal Guard stared straight at the human. The King's Guard stared straight at the pony. Unflinching, the Royal Guard stood like a statue. Unflinching, the King's Guard stood like a statue. Despite the antics of the tourists, the Royal Guard continued to stare down his counterpart. Despite the antics of the tourists, the King's Guard continued to stare down his counterpart. The Royal Guard - You know what? I think you get the picture. Celestia looked up at the sky, the dreary gray of a May afternoon in the United Kingdom. "I should have invited Rainbow Dash to clear the skies and do a sonic rainboom," she muttered to herself. Author's Note I meant to publish this in a more timely fashion, but if you've read today's blog post, you'll understand why. Dreadnought
Madam SpeakerAuthor's Note Well, I know it's been a while. I hate to sound like a broken record, but my time has been consumed with military training. Hopefully I'll be done by the end of the year. Until then, enjoy this chapter! Madam Speaker Princess Twilight Sparkle, sovereign of all Equestria, sat on her throne, patiently watching the doors to the throne room. Slowly, smoke seeped through the seams around the doors. The Royal Guards readied their weapons and took defensive stances to guard their princess. Twilight just sighed and waited. Suddenly, flashing lights and lasers started pulsing. Boom! BOOM! BOOM!!! came the beat. The doors burst open and in walked the expected nuisance, the Lord of Chaos himself. Waving to nonexistent crowds, he strutted down the hall to a pulsing pop tune. "Princess Twilight, so good to see you!" "Discord," she responded curtly. The guards sheathed their weapons but remained tense and watchful. The music faded as Discord said, "I came as soon as I received your telegram. Though really, it was quite disappointing. The least you could have done was make it a singing telegram." "I'll consider it in the future," she responded dryly. "So, what do I owe this unexpected summons?" he asked, leaning forward upon a podium that hadn't been there before. "Sunset Shimmer has sent me some interesting news from the human world." "Oh, do tell." "It seems as though, for the first time in their history, the United States of America is without a Speaker. Without one, their government cannot function. It seems that their legislature is thrown into chaos." "Sounds fascinating," responded Discord with a devilish smile. "I want to ask you - " "Yes?" he drawled. Twilight sighed, "Are you responsible for this?" "Moi!" Discord drew a shocked breath. "You're accusing me? You think the Lord of Chaos would seek to spread chaos to... Oh, I see your point." "Well?" "As much as it may disappoint you, I am not behind this." "And you aren't going to take advantage of this? Cause chaos in the Capitol? Perhaps try to become the new Speaker?" Discord thought, "Hmm... I could become Speaker. There is no requirement that the Speaker be a member of the House. Come to think of it, the Speaker doesn't have to be a citizen, much less human." "Really? Anypony could be Speaker?" she asked, intrigued. "Yes, it's a little loophole in their Constitution." Standing upright and turning to leave, he said offhandedly, "Besides, I wouldn't really want the job." He took a step and Twilight asked, "Why?" Discord stopped mid-step, seemingly caught off guard by the question. "Well, I wouldn't mind making some chaotic laws. Like everyone wear only their left shoe, walk backwards down the sidewalks, or speak Klingon on Tuesdays and Fridays. But I cannot just issue edits. The House would have to pass such laws by a majority. And being Speaker means I'd have to follow a lot of rules." "Rules?" Twilight prodded, leaning forward a bit. "Yes, rules and parliamentary procedure and all that. And the biggest challenge is building a consensus among a diverse group of people from all across the country. Most of whom can't get along." "Their not friends?" Twilight asked, leaning even more forward. "No, I'd say not. Friendship is certainly lacking in the House. I bet - " He stopped when he noticed Twilight had a wide, somewhat scary smile on her face. The group of CHS students huddled around Rarity as she sat at the cafeteria table reading the newspaper. Sunset Shimmer came up to them, "What's going on?" "Would you care to explain this?" asked Rarity curtly. "What?" asked Sunset Shimmer as she set her bag aside. Rarity slid the newspaper across the cafeteria's table. Sunset picked it up and scanned the headline. "Princess Twilight Sparkle is running for Speaker of the House!?" TV STATIC
Semper Fi"Welcome everyone, welcome," greeted the uniformed man. "I am Gunnery Sergeant Puller, and welcome to the National Museum of the United States Marine Corps!" The students of CHS all looked about the grand entry hall, seeing warplanes suspended from the ceiling and vehicles gracing the floor. "Look at all these historic artifacts!" squealed Twilight. Placing a hand on her friend's shoulder, Rainbow Dash said, "Normally I don't get excited for history, but this place is pretty awesome!" "Ooh, look at those dashing uniforms!" said Rarity. "It's going to be so much fun!" cried Pinkie Pie as she tossed some camouflage-colored confetti into the air. Looking around, Applejack asked, "Say, has anyone seen Sunset Shimmer?" Outside... Sunset Shimmer stood before an equestrian statue. She knelt down and respectfully placed an apple before it. Standing up, she stood tall and snapped a salute. "Thank you Sergeant Reckless for showing what we can do!" TV STATIC Author's Note For any Marines out there reading this, Semper Fi!
Veterans DayThe sun hung heavy in the west, just above the rolling hills. Birds and other animals began settling in for the night. At the Silver Shoals Retirement Community, things were winding down as well. The front door swung open and a middle-aged nurse emerged from the main building. She was pushing a wheelchair with an elderly earth pony stallion. The two continued down the sidewalk until they reached a vista overlooking the quiet lake. "How are you?" she asked. "I'm fine," he assured her. The two remained there in silence. He looked at his watched. He sat up straight, and brought his right hoof up to just above his eye. Ka-Boom!!! He brought his hoof down in a sharp salute, then slumped back in his wheelchair. He smiled. "It brings back fond memories of my time in the Royal Marines. I'm happy that Celestia and Luna brought the tradition of the evening gun with them." Meanwhile... Luna scowled. "Sister, must you fire that thing off every night?" Swallowing, Celestia replied, "Why not?" "Surely once a week is enough," retorted Luna. Swallowing again, her sister countered, "It saves me from baking everyday or having to go to the bakery." She stuffed her face. Trotting away, Luna grumbled, "I don't care if it was a retirement gift. That Easy Bake Confetti Cake Cannon is going back to Pinkie Pie!" TV STATIC Author's Note To all the veterans out there, happy Veterans Day! Thank you for your service! For more holiday fun, check out The Labors of Applejack.
Battlestar PegasusThe sirens blared as Commander Adama entered the CIC followed by the President. "SITREP!" he ordered. Colonel Tigh answered, "Bogey jumped into dradis range. From the size of it, it's probably a Cylon base ship on the way to intercept." "Alert the fleet to prepare for an emergency jump." A broadcast came over the radio: "Galactica, Apollo, I'm on a course to the basestar." Colonel Tigh added, "Alert fighters have launched and taken a position to defend the fleet." "How long until we jump?" asked the President. "Another two minutes," responded the Colonel. "Sir," interjected a lieutenant, "I'm getting Colonial transponders." "Colonial?" asked the confused President. "Weapons hold, and hold the jump," ordered Commander Adama. He turned to the lieutenant, "Send a hostile challenge and ID." The lieutenant went out over the radio, "Attention unknown vessel, identify yourself or prepare to be fired upon." The radio squawked, "This is the Battlestar Pegasus to the Battlestar Galactica." The lieutenant looked up, "Sir, I'm receiving Colonial authentication codes. They're authentic." Commander Adama went out over the radio, "Is that you, Admiral Dash?" "Adama, good to hear your voice." On the other ship... Admiral Dash stood with a wide grin on her face. Behind her Captain Spitfire and Colonel Soarin hoofbumped, Lieutenants Sky Stinger and Vapor Trail hugged, and Ensign Derpy threw her hooves into the air and cheered. TV STATIC Author's Note I was a pretty big BSG fan back in the day.
New Year 2024Knock! Knock! After a brief moment, the door opened to reveal Shining Armor. "Sunset Shimmer, good to see you." Sunset smiled, "Hello Shining. How's college?" "It's challenging, but if you work hard, it's manageable." "Good to hear." Shining smiled knowingly, "But you didn't come here to hear about my time at West Point, now did you?" Sunset chuckled, "No, I'm here to see Twilight." Shining turned and called up the stairs, "Twiley, you've got company!" Turning back to Sunset, he said, "Come on in." "Thank you," she said as she stepped inside. Footsteps reverberated down the stairs and Twilight Sparkle appeared. "Sunset." Shining walked over and took a position on the couch in the living room. "Twilight," greeted Sunset before holding out a piece of paper. "What's this? An invitation?" "Yes," confirmed Sunset. "You could have just texted me, you know," responded Twilight. "I did that to Pinkie, and she insisted that in-person invitations are better." Opening the invitation, Twilight said, "A party?" "Yeah, I'm having a New Year Eve's party." In the background, Shining jumped up and began furiously waving his arms. Noticing where her friend was looking, Twilight turned around to look at her brother and Shining played it off as stretching his arms. She turned back to Sunset. "I'll be there," she said. The New Year's party was rocking. Everyone had brought food, with Pinkie bringing a round of desserts and Applejack breaking out bottles of cider, much to Rainbow Dash's delight. Video games were available, with Rainbow Dash and Applejack once again competing. All around, it was good fun. A few minutes before midnight, the girls gathered around the television for the broadcast from Times Square. Soon the hour was at hand. The ball started its descent. "One minute to go!" cheered Pinkie Pie. The ball continued to drop. "Thirty seconds, y'all!" announced Applejack. Everyone counted down, "Ten... nine... eight... seven... six... five.. four... three... two... one. Happy New Year!" Everyone wished each other a happy new year. "Happy New Year, Twilight," said Sunset Shimmer. "Happy New Year, Sunset. However, the start of the new year is rather arbitrary." "Uh oh," said Applejack. "Here we go," added Rainbow Dash. Twilight adjusted her glasses, "There's really no special reason for January 1st to be the start of the new year. It's neither the solstice nor equinox. It's not like the Chinese New Year and based on lunar movements. It's not even the aphelion or perihelion of our planet's orbit. It's truly arbitrary." She concluded, "Really, any day could be made the start of our calendar." Silence reigned for a moment until Rainbow Dash dryly noted, "Geesh Twilight, you're fun at parties." TV STATIC Author's Note Have a Happy New Year's Eve! See you next year! Dreadnought
LVIIIDing! Dong! The door swung open to reveal a beautiful pink-haired girl. "Hello, everyone," said Fluttershy. "HELLO!" cried a bouncing Pinkie Pie. "Hi," said Sunset Shimmer. Everybody else greeted their friend. "Come in," said Fluttershy. "You all can go into the living room. I've got to go feed Angel Bunny." She headed back towards her room. "Cain't wait to start the game," said Applejack. "Oh, yeah, Superbowl LVIII !" declared Rainbow Dash. "What's LVIII?" asked Pinkie. "What?" prompted Rainbow. "The text reads L-V-I-I-I." "What?" repeated Rainbow Dash. "The Chiefs are goin' win," declared Applejack. "No way! The 'Niners have that west coast offense. And they have the better record," argued Rainbow Dash. "Well, the Chiefs have Mahomes." "I can't wait to see Taylor Swift," announced Sunset Shimmer. "I know. This will be the best Superbowl since 1989!" cried Pinkie Pie. Sunset laughed, "Pinkie, you get me. That just goes to show You Belong With Me!" Both girls giggled at their inside jokes. "Well, I can't wait to see her fashions," said Rarity. "Statistically, it should be a good game," announced Twilight. Fluttershy came into the room. "Angel's taking a nap. But it's time for the game." She walked over and turned on the television. "What's this!" cried Rainbow Dash. "Oh, it's Puppybowl XX," replied Fluttershy. "Puppybowl!" cried several girls while Sunset had a confused look on her face. "You invited us over for the Superbowl," said Applejack. Fluttershy shook her head. "No, I said you could come over and watch the bowl game. I never said anything about the Superbowl." TV STATIC Author's Note The TaylorBowl is currently on. Check it out! Dreadnought
Happy Birthday!♪Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday to you Happy Birthday dear Applejack Happy Birthday to you! ♫ Applejack leaned forward and blew out her candles. Everybody clapped there hands in celebration. "Happy birthday, Applejack," said Granny Smith. "Happy birthday to the best big sister ever!" cheered Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," added Big Mac. "Aw, shucks," said a bashful Applejack. "HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" Applejack leapt out her chair. "What in tarnation!" Wheee! Pinkie blew a noisemaker and threw a handful of colorful confetti into the air. "Pinkie Pie! What are y'all doin' here!" demanded Applejack. She eyed Applejack. "My birthday sense was going off," she explained nonchalantly. Apple Bloom leaned over to Big Mac and whispered, "She has a birthday sense?" "Well, thanks for coming to my fourth birthday," said Applejack. "What!" cried Pinkie. She reached into her hair and drew out a bundle of papers. "Something's not right," she mused. Running her finger down the list, she proclaimed, "Ah ha! You celebrate your birthday on the 1st of March." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And the 1st of March isn't until tomorrow." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And you were born sixteen years ago." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "And I know these are facts, because I made my list and checked it twice." "Eeyup," confirmed Applejack. "So tomorrow you should be celebrating your sixteenth birthday tomorrow," concluded Pinkie. "Enope." "What?" "This here is my fourth birthday." "What?" "I was born on February 29th. It only comes round every four years." The sound of grinding gears could be heard and Pinkie's eyes glazed over. Applejack waved her hand in front of Pinkie's face. "Ah think you broke her," observed Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," confirmed Big Mac. Pinkie seemed to snap out of it. "Here you go!" she handed a wrapped gift over to Applejack. "Oh thanks," said Applejack as she opened the package. "Uh... a keychain?" Pinkie shrugged. "I hadn't bought your gift yet. This is from my emergency birthday present stash." TV STATIC Author's Note Happy February 29th! Dreadnought
May the Fourth“Hah-hah-hah-hah-hah!!!” cackled Nightmare Moon. She shot a beam of magic, destroying a carved statue and wrecking the ceiling of the throne room. Princess Celestia stepped forward into the devastation to face her sister. She took to the air, immediately having to dodge a blast from Nightmare Moon. “Luna, I will not fight you! You must lower the moon! It is your duty!” ordered Princess Celestia. “Luna? I am... Nightmare Moon!” she retorted. “I have but one royal duty now: to destroy you!” She shot another blast of magic at her sister. Princess Celestia avoided the discharge and flew up through the hole in the ceiling. “And where do you think you're going?” taunted Nightmare Moon before taking flight after her sister. Chasing her sister, Nightmare Moon shot blast after blast. Princess Celestia circled around the castle then dove down under an aqueduct. Each shot missed, hitting the castle instead and exploding pieces of stone everywhere. Celestia climbed higher and at last Nightmare Moon had a clean shot. It hit Princess Celestia squarely in the chest, causing her to plummet back into the throne room. Nightmare Moon laughed in delight at her victory over the Princess of the Sun. A seemingly lifeless body lay on the floor. At last Princess Celestia slowly rose to her hooves. With a breaking heart, she declared, “Oh, dear sister. I am sorry, but you have given me no choice but to use these.” The floor rumbled and parted. A large stone plinth rose up, revealing the Elements of Harmony. Using her magic, Princess Celestia floated the Elements to her. They circled her faster and faster until they became blurring rings. With renewed determination, she flew back up through the hole in the ceiling to face her sister. Nightmare Moon summoned dark magic. With tears in her eyes, Princess Celestia summoned the power of the Elements. A blast of dark magic shot towards Princess Celestia. A blast of harmony shot towards Nightmare Moon. The two blasts met in a blinding flash. The harmony pushed back the dark magic, enveloping the dark alicorn. “Nooooooo!” cried Nightmare Moon as she was carried off to space. Celestia gazed skywards, tears streaming down her cheeks. Princess Celestia wearily trudged through Canterlot, too tired to fly. Subjects poured into the streets to greet their sovereign. “Princess Celestia, what’s going on?” “Princess Celestia, why did the moon not lower?” “Princess Celestia, what was that blast of magic?” Stopping, she addressed her subjects. “Hear me. Princess Luna has fallen to dark magic. She refused to lower the moon and attempted to bring eternal night.” Murmurs swept through the assembled crowd as she continued. “Fear not, I used the Elements of Harmony to banish her to the moon!” A white wing pointed skyward. “Uh, your highness?” began a subject. “Yes?” “That’s no moon.” Nightmare Moon stood in fire control. “Target Canterlot. Single reactor only.” Addressing to Governor Tarkin, she said, “Now we will witness the power of this battle station.” Turning back to the operator, she proclaimed “Fire!” Each of the giant turbolasers fired to a central point, before combining into one massive beam. The beam shot towards the planet below. The beam impacted with overwhelming force, blowing Canterlot off the mountain. TVSTATIC Author's Note May the Fourth be with you!
Birthday Party!Sugarcube Corner was looking particularly festive on this day. As well it should be. For it's not everyday this Ponyville establishment hosts royalty. "Hmm, let's see," mused Twilight as she scanned the checklist. "Rarity, how's the decorations coming?" "Faboulous, darling. It puts the decorations at the Grand Galloping Gala to shame." "Good. Rainbow Dash?" "I'll get to it shortly." "Rainbow Dash, Princess Celestia will be here in ten minutes! The sky should be cleared before her arrival." "Don't worry, I can take care of it in ten seconds flat!" Twilight sighed and looked to Spike, who merely shrugged. Turning to the next thing on the list, she asked, "Applejack?" "Ah've got the Sweet Apple Acres Premium EditionTM cider." "Great." "Cider!" cried Rainbow Dash. "No cider for you sugarcube until you clear the clouds." Rainbow dashed out of the building to clear the sky. "Good thinking, Applejack." "Eeyup." "Now, we just need the cake - " "Did somepony ask for cake?" came a voice from the kitchen. A moment later the door swung open and a massive cake was wheeled into the storefront. "Whoa, that's a big cake!" cried Rainbow Dash as she reemerged into Sugarcube Corner. Twilight sighed, "Pinkie, you know that the rumors of Princess Celestia being obsessed with cake are just those - rumors?" Pinkie Pie bounced over and booped Twilight on the nose. "That's not the reason the cake is so big." "Why then?" asked Twilight. "For all the candles, silly." "Ah don't see no candles," observed Applejack. A pink blur swirled around the cake until there were hundreds of candles adorning the frosting. "Ta da!" "That'll take a long time to light," noted Spike. Pinkie grabbed Spike and aimed him at the cake, squeezed his tail, and a moment later was shooting fire like a flamethrower at the cake. As he was set back on the ground, a disoriented Spike said, "Objection withdrawn." TV STATIC Author's Note It's my birthday, so here's a present for you. Also go check out my new story, Far From the Tree. V/R, Dreadnought
Rainbow Roadtrip Deleted SceneThe Elements of Harmony joined in the singing with the residents of Hope Hollow: ♪There's a rainbow in you ♫Now we're living in color Yeah, we're living in color Now we're living in color Yeah, we're living in color ♫We're all living in color (living in color) We're all living in color We're all living in color (living in color) Yeah, we're living in color ♪We're all living in... color! Up on the hill, overlooking the town, a solitary zebra frowned as she remarked: "I do not think that is quite right. There's nothing wrong with black and white." TV STATIC Author's Note Rainbow Roadtrip is on today. Happy Fourth of July! Dreadnought
New Year 2025Discord, once again wearing a smoking jacket, sat in a plush armchair. "Well, well, well. Here we are again. First, I'd like to talk to you about something. None of you got me a Hearth's Warming gift. Nor a Christmas gift. Not even a Hanukkah gift." Pausing for effect, he stroked his scraggly beard in thought. "Although, truth be told, Hearth's Warming came early for me. November 5th to be exact. With Trump returning to office, with Elon Musk by his side, you've given me so much chaos to look forward to!" He wiped away tears of joy. "Thank you all so very much. Happy New Year and live from Equestria it's Wednesday night!" TV STATIC Author's Note Love him or hate him, Former President/President-Elect Trump does like to shake things up. We'll see what the next 4 years bring. Everyone have a safe, healthy, and memorable 2025. Happy New Year! Dreadnought
A Bad Time for a SongWHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA!!! A solitary crack appeared in the Crystal Heart. The crack multiplied and radiated throughout the ancient relic. Then it shattered into a hundred pieces! Everypony gasped and stared in shock at the remains. Applejack walked over to the shards littering the floor. "Ah'm guessing that's gonna make it hard to do the Crystalling." Pulling aside the curtain and glancing outside, Twilight explained, "It's worse than that. Without the heart, the Crystal Empire is about to be buried under a mountain of ice and snow!" Rarity wailed, "So... not only can we not take part in a fabulous ancient ceremony, but we're also about to be frozen solid!" Twilight Sparkle continued, "Without the Crystal Heart's magical protection, the entire city's about to become a winter wasteland!" All of a sudden, Pinkie Pie began bouncing around: "♫ Winter Wasteland! Winter Wasteland! All of us are going to die! Winter Wasteland! Winter Wasteland! That's enough to make you cry! 'Cause we're all going to die! ♪" TV STATIC Author's Note It's "snowmageddon" here in the United States!
Pep RallyThe crowds cheered as the marching band made its way out of the auditorium. In the stands, Rarity leaned over to Twilight. "So, what do you think of you're very first pep rally?" "C-H-S certainly has a lot of spirit," responded her bespectacled friend. Princess Celestia walked to the microphone. "Thank you for the inspiring music." Looking down at her notes, she continued, "Now, for a special announcement, we welcome Derpy - I mean Muffins." Said teenager stepped up to the microphone. "Hey everybody! We're going to win tomorrow! I want everyone to cheer our team. Say it with me: W-U-N-D-R-C-O-L-T-S!" Twilight, with a look of confusion, exclaimed, "She does know that she misspelled Wondercolts, right?" "Eh," Rainbow Dash shrugged, "she's probably just trying out to be Mayor of Philadelphia." TV STATIC Author's Note Oh yes! I went definitely went there! V/R,
Super Bowl LIX"Alright! Who's ready for Super Bowl Fifty-Nine?" asked Rainbow Dash as she carried the boxes of pizza into the living room. "E'yup," confirmed Applejack. Pinkie Pie threw confetti and blew a noisemaker. Fluttershy may have said, "Yay!" "Ready, darling," replied Rarity. "You're into football?" asked a surprised Twilight as she adjusted her glasses. "I'm most interested in seeing Taylor Swift, darling. Oh, I do so adore her fashions." "Yeah, I love Taylor," added Sunset Shimmer. "Her tunes sure are pretty catchy," said Applejack as she opened a bottle of fizzy apple cider. "Her concert was super fun!" said Pinkie Pie. "And she's super nice," noted Fluttershy. "But, aren't you tired of Taylor Swift by this point?" pressed Twilight. The six girls gave horrified stares in return. Shining Armor and Twilight Velvet looked up from the television blaring the Super Bowl to see Twilight Sparkle come through the door. "Twiley, I thought you'd be watching the game with your friends," he said. She sighed, "I was kicked out of the party." TV STATIC Author's Note Go Eagles!
Pinkie and the Chocolate Factory Part 1Pinkie Pie bounced merrily around the Canterlot Chocolate Shop. She grabbed candy bars, bags of malted milk balls, chocolate cookies, and all sorts of things chocolate-covered: cherries, strawberries, peanuts, almonds, cashews, raisons, etc. Making her way to the cash register, she laid a large pile of bits on the counter. Taking her bag of goodies, she bounded out of the door. Too eager to start pigging out, she took out a candy bar and shoved it whole in her mouth. Chewing the chocolaty goodness, she heard a commotion. She walked over to a large crowd. "Can you believe it?" asked a unicorn. "No," replied the pegasus. Swallowing, Pinkie asked, "What's going on?" "Crazy Candy is opening up his chocolate factory for tours. He's hidden six golden tickets in among his candy bars." "Really?" asked Pinkie. "Yes." The unicorn paused. "You have something in your teeth." Pinkie Pie reached up and pulled forth a piece of golden foil. "It's the golden ticket!" he exclaimed. "Only part of it," clarified the pegasus. "She'll have to wait until the next bowel movement to reclaim the whole ticket." TV Static
CancellationHasbro board meeting: The CEO leaned over the table and glared at the board. "It's time to end My Little Pony, but the fans will hate us for it and it will hurt the bottom line. Options?" Silence. Finally, someone spoke up, "I have an idea." *** "Coming this fall on Fox: My Little Pony!" TV Static Author's Note Too many good shows aired on Fox, only to meet untimely cancellations. Dreadnought
Things Not To Say To RarityThings no one should ever say to Rarity: "DRAMA QUEEN!!!" "Stripes and polka dots are in this year." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Prince Blueblood." "You looked much better in droopy drawers and a straw hat." "So, what would you say you did in The Movie?" "Sweetie Belle hates you." "In my fanfic, you're shipped with Discord." "Look at my new dress from Suri Polomare. Isn't she the greatest designer ever!!!" "If you're so into fashion, how come you always walk around naked?" "I thought 'petty' was what you're all about, Rarity. With your 'petty' concerns about fashion. " "Are you ever going to level with Spike?" "You look fat." "That dress makes you look fat."
Robot PonyAny actual names or likenesses of celebrities are used in a fictitious and parodic manner. Scootaloo lay dead on the side of the road. Twilight walked by, adjusted her glasses, then an evil grin spread across her face. She grabbed the corpse and headed towards her castle.... Twilight leaned over the table, grabbing drills and wrenches as she hurried through her work. She stood back and admired her work. A cyborg Scootaloo turned her head and flicked on her laser. Robot Pony It's Alive! Twilight strapped down Scootaloo, and clamped the girl's eyes open. Twilight stood back and turned on a multitude of televisions. Created by Seth Green Mathew Senreich Lauren Faust Dreadnought TV STATIC Author's Note New season of Robot Chicken starts tonight! Obviously a parody of the RC opening title sequence. I did come across the below video when searching YouTube. Enjoy: Dreadnought
Wheel of FortunePat Sajak said to Pinkie Pie, "If you would draw a card." Pinkie Pie happily bounced over to and pulled forth an unopened card, passing it to Pat. They turned to the board: He, as he did every weekday, said, "R-S-T-L-N-E." The squares lit up and Vanna White touched each, revealing the letters: R - E N - S - - - - S - - - - - "Pinkie, we need three letters and a vowel." Pinkie thought about what letters she wanted. "M. G. F. I." Again the squares lit up and Vanna revealed additional letters: F R I E N - S - I - I S M - G I - Pat announced, "The category is 'Saying.' You have ten seconds." 10... Well it was obvious the second word was "Is." 9... But what could the other words be? 8... Pinkie thought about what it could be. 7... And thought. 6... Friendly... 5... No, that won't work! 4... Could the third word be "Mighty"? 3... No! That won't work! 2... She was running out of time. 1... Quick! Say something! "Fiendship is magic!" A look of surprise flashed across Pat's and Vanna's faces. At home, Twilight facehoofed while Applejack groaned and Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "I'm sorry," said Pat. Vanna revealed the final letters: F R I E N D S H I P I S M A G I C Opening the envelope, he said, "You would have won a lifetime supply of candy." Pinkie fell to her knees. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!" TV Static Author's Note I suck at Wheel of Fortune. I've literally been unable to get a round when all but two letters were showing.
The BattleThe princesses gathered around the map, examining their options. Tomorrow they would battle the Dark Lord in the decisive battle. The fate of all of Equestria hung in the balance. Whether Equestria continued to be a land of friendship and harmony or slip into the black night would be decided upon the fields of tomorrow. Celestia finally spoke. "It is not good. We are outgunned, outmanned, outnumbered, outplanned. Tomorrow will be our last stand." "There must be something we can do sister?" asked Luna. "I don't believe there is anything that will turn the tide," replied Celestia. "Even if I could spare the troops, they wouldn't arrive for several days," noted Cadence. Finally, after not wanting to admit the inevitable, Celestia said with a heavy sigh, "Equestria is lost. The best thing we can hope for is a strong rear-guard action. They will be cut to pieces, but will allow our forces to flee to Griffonstone and Saddle Arabia. They can join those armies and keep the rest of the world safe... for a while." Thinking long and hard, Twilight suddenly got an idea. "I have a plan." *** The Dark Lord examined his forces, arrayed in battle formation ready to defeat - no slaughter - those of Celestia. His archers stood poised with iron-tipped arrows. His infantry formed into thick columns, razor-sharp swords ready to cut down the Equestrian Army. The lancers were anxious for battle. So too were the fusiliers, grenadiers, dragoons, pike ponies, knights, and mercenaries at his disposal. Rivers of blood would run across the fields. The hour of carnage was at hoof. Slowly columns marched over the horizon and moved into formations to accept battle. The ragged, decimated army stood no chance of victory. Still they would fight. The Dark Lord planned to give them a quick death. The ground began to tremble and a rumble came from over the horizon. Suddenly pink soldiers came over the hillside. First there were dozens, then hundreds, then thousands, then tens of thousands, all shouting "Fun! Fun! Fun!" The Dark Lord's heart was filled with dread and the forces of Equestria charged at him.... TV Static
Tea Time!Discord and Fluttershy laughed uncontrollably. They were having such a good time together. He couldn't believe that he tried to be completely normal for his tea party. So normal, in fact, he almost faded out of existence. But Fluttershy had saved him, for a second time in his life, and now everything was going splendidly. "I'd like to try some of your singing, ginseng tea," said Fluttershy. "Of course!" Discord poured a cup of steaming water. He grabbed a floating tea bag and dropped it into the cup. The tea bag let out agonizing screams as it writhed in pain. The other bags fled in terror. Fluttershy covered her mouth. "Oh my!" she squeaked. TV Static
European EditRarity sat down before her sewing machine. She had a lot to do to make six dresses in time for the Grand Galloping Gala. She began to sing: Thread by thread, stitching it together Twilight's dress, cutting out the pattern snip by snip Making sure the fabric folds nicely It's the perfect color and so hip Always gotta keep in mind my pacing Making sure the clothes' correctly facing I'm stitching Twilight's dress Yard 0.9144 meters by yard 0.9144 meters, fussing on the details Jewel neckline, don't you know a stitch in time saves nine? Make her something perfect to inspire Even though she hates formal attire Gotta mind those intimate details Even though she's more concerned with sales It's Applejack's new dress Dressmaking's easy, for Pinkie Pie something pink Fluttershy something breezy Blend color and form, Do you think it looks cheesy? Something brash, perhaps quite fetching Hook and eye, couldn't you just simply die? Making sure it fits forelock and crest Don't forget some magic in the dress Even though it rides high on the flank Rainbow won't look like a tank I'm stitching Rainbow's dress Piece by piece, snip by snip Croup, dock, haunch, shoulders, hip Thread by thread, primmed and pressed Yard 0.9144 meters by yard 0.9144 meters , never stressed And that's the art of the dress! Author's Note I hate the metric system! Dreadnought
Look Before You Sleep (Or Wake Up) - (Gore)Look Before You Sleep (Or Wake Up) - (Gore) Rarity turned to Applejack, "Keep your muddy hooves on your side of the bed." The earth pony retorted, "My hooves ain't muddy." "They were. There might still be a little on them." "There ain't. See?" Applejack stuck her hooves in Rarity's face. "Eww!" cried Rarity. She rolled over and took the blanket for herself. "Now who's bein' inconsiderate?" demanded Applejack, yanking the blanket back. Rarity climbed onto the floor. "I have to make the bed again so the blanket will be right. Get up!" She shoved Applejack off the bed. "Hey!" Rarity remade the bed, tucking in and smoothing the sheets. Just as her friend was about to climb in, Rarity stopped her. "Ah ah ah! You'll ruin it. You have to do it like this." The unicorn carefully slid between the sheets. Taken aback, Applejack said, "Yeah, that's not gonna happen. Geronimo!" she yelled as she leapt onto the bed and took the blanket. "Hey! " Applejack let out a satisfied sigh. "You did that on purpose!" "Um, yeah? " "Get up so I can fix it again," demanded Rarity. "Can't hear ya, I'm asleep." Rarity yanked the blanket back. "I ain't budgin'," declared Applejack. "You will if you want any blankets." The two began a tug of war over the blanket. "Enough!" yelled Twilight. "I'm going to use a sleeping spell so I can get a descent night's rest." Lighting her horn, she became enveloped in an aura, before letting out a loud yawn and blissfully falling to sleep. ~~~ Twilight felt the warmth of the sun on her face and sat upright in bed, stretching her forelegs out. She really didn't like using sleeping spells, but she couldn't argue with the results. What a great night's sleep! She felt so refreshed and energetic. She looked over to the spare bed, to find it empty. Did her two friends go home? "Rarity? Applejack?" Rarity rose above the edge of the bed, a twisted smile on her face. "Good morning Twilight!" Somewhat startled, Twilight replied, "Good morning Rarity. Did you and Applejack get everything sorted out?" "Oh, yes, we ended our fight and everything's alright now. Isn't that right, Applejack?" A bloody, disembodied head levitated next to her, while Rarity mimed, "Oh sure. Ah was completely out of mah cottin-pickin mind last night, but Rarity was right all along." TV Static
Wild Blue YonderRainbow Dash had been waiting all year for another weekend in Las Pegasus with Gold Horseshoe Gals. The five of them had such a great time last year, this year would be totally awesome! And there would be no creepy, disembodied ghost heads of Applejack haunting her. She was totally going to cut loose. If Granny Smith wanted nachos, then she'd get a plate of nachos all the way to the sky! If Goldie Delicious wanted to play horseshoes, they Rainbow Dash was determined the gang would set a new record. If Apple Rose wanted to cut up the dance floor, then they'd party all night. The five of them walked into the casino/hotel resort. Rainbow Dash's jaw hit the floor. There, through the atrium, stood the most amazing roller coaster ever - The Wild Blue YonderTM. But how? It closed last year! In a flash Rainbow Dash flew to management and busted down the door. "What the hay!" she yelled. Unicorn brothers sat behind their desk. "You're paying for that," said Flim. "What seems to be the problem?" asked Flam. "That!" said Rainbow Dash, pointing to the coaster in the lobby. "It was supposed to close last year." "You mean The Wild Blue YonderTM?" "Yes!" The two brothers chuckled. "It did close last year," said Flim. "Then what's that?" "That, my dear, is The Sky High ScreamerTM." "What?" "Exactly as my brother said, The Sky High ScreamerTM," said Flam. "But it's the same roller coaster!" "Now, now. The Wild Blue YonderTM featured white cars. These cars are red." "So?" "And my brother is forgetting to mention the new name." "So?" "And we can't forget the new waiting area. The lines are twice as long," snickered Flam. "I don't get it. It's the same roller coaster." "I admit that it may be nearly identical to the old one, but legally it's different." "Which is why we did so much business on The Wild Blue YonderTM's closing day and so much on The Sky High ScreamerTM's opening day," explained Flim. "And next year, when we bring back The Wild Blue YonderTM, we'll triple our ticket sales!" boasted Flim. "This was all a scam! I ought to report you!" "Yes, you could report us. But, as a private establishment, we have the right to refuse service to anypony. Even the Elements of Harmony." "So, you need to ask yourself something, Rainbow Dash," said Flam. "Are your morals more important than the greatest, fastest roller coaster in all of Equestria?" * "So how was Las Pegasus?" asked Applejack. Rainbow Dash smiled. "I rode The Wild Blue YonderTM - I mean - The Sky High ScreamerTM a hundred times!"
The MatrixAuthor's Note For those who aren't familiar with it: Dreadnought The Matrix Morpheus leaned forward. "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue -" "Jelly bean!" A pink hoof swiped it and a moment later was in Pinkie Pie's mouth. Chewing, her smile turned to disgust. "Eww. This is even worse than my strawberry cinnamon cilantro -" She swayed from side to side before passing out. "She's not the One," remarked Trinity. "No, she is not," replied Morpheus. *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Well...," thought Twilight Sparkle. "So many choices. Should I take the red pill or the blue pill? Do you have any books on the Matrix? Or maps? Ooo, maybe I should consult Princess Celestia for advice. Or Starswirl the Bearded. Or Sunburst. Maybe he's familiar with it? And of course I'll need to take along some items, to document my observations. And -" "Take the damn blue pill." *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Awesome!" Rainbow Dash reached for the red pill. Nearly to her mouth, she paused. "Will I still be able to do a sonic rainboom?" "No." Rainbow Dash threw away the red pill and quickly swallowed the blue pill. *** Morpheus sat in his chair. "Where is she?" he demanded. Trinity explained, "Rarity took one look at this run-down building and refused to come in. She insisted we take her home immediately." *** "You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Really?" asked Applejack. "Yes." "Well, Ah'm sorry. Mama taught me never to take pills or candy from strangers. So, if'n ya don't mind, Ah think Ah'll just show mahself out." *** "This is your last chance. After this, there is no turning back. You take the blue pill, the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill, stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes." "Oh, um - " hesitated Fluttershy. "I don't know." "You must make a decision." "Well... I like rabbit holes. There's always something warm and cuddly at the end." She reached forward and swallowed the red pill." After a moment, she began to shriek with pain and disappeared. "Really, she is the One?" asked Trinity. "I know it," replied Morpheus.
Storm King's ResurrectionFar in the south, past Klugetown, further than Black Skull Island, and beyond Mount Aris, lay a dark fortress. Guards patrolled the walls, their spears glistening in the lightning. High above, from the tallest tower flew the royal standard of the Storm King. Deep within the bowels, past the dungeon, further than the torture chamber, and beyond the bottomless pit, lay a secret chamber. "Come on, come on," said Gruber impatiently. "I hope he's done this time." Two storm guards rolled out the stone Storm King, held together with glue. "Hmm..." thought Gruber, examining the statue. "He looks complete to me. Put him on the table," he ordered. The guards placed him on a table and covered him with a sheet. High above, a metal rod extended from the roof and into the sky. Crack! Boom! Lightning hit the pole and flowed down to the table. After a moment, the form under the sheet began to move. "It's alive. IT'S ALIVE!!!" cried Gruber. The table titled up and the sheet fell away. The Storm King opened his eyes. He brought his hands up to his face, then an evil grin spread across his face. "I'm back!" He let out a maniacal laugh. HRR! HRR! He strained. "Why can't I walk!" he demanded. "Uh oh," said Gruber. The Storm King looked down. "You idiots! You put my legs on backwards!" "We'll fix this." "How?" he snarled. Gruber threw an orb at the Storm King. "NO!!!" cried the Storm King as he turned to stone. Gruber walked up to the statue and pushed it over, shattering it into a hundred pieces. "Okay, let's try this again," Gruber said. "And be sure to put his legs on right this time!" TV STATIC
SnowboundThe warm fire crackled and spat, burning safely behind a fire screen. Around the living room, the family basked in its warm glow. Apple Bloom lay on the floor reading a thick book of potions loaned to her by Zecora. Granny Smith sat in her rocker, knitting yet more sweaters for the family. And Big Mac worked on a crossword puzzle. The only member of the family absent was Applejack. Ever since the pegasi accidentally dumped four feet of snow on Ponyville, the family had been snowbound in the old farmhouse. Applejack had decided that this was the perfect time to work on her long-planned novel and had locked herself in her room. The family had only seen her briefly over the three previous weeks. Creak, creak, creak! Applejack descended the stairs. "Nice to see you Applejack," said Granny Smith. "We haven't seen you in days." "Eeyup," added Big Mac. Applejack headed towards the door. Looking up from her book, Apple Bloom asked, "Where'ya goin'?" "Ah got to go to the toolshed to get... somethin'," she replied, opening the door and letting in a deathly blast of snowy, cold air before it slammed behind her. Big Mac rose from his chair. "Where are you goin'?" asked Granny Smith. "Ah want to see this novel she's been workin' on," he replied. "Applejack said she didn't want anypony readin' it until it was done," reminded Apple Bloom. "Eeyup," he said, unfazed. He climbed the steps and headed towards Applejack's room. Cautiously he opened the door to reveal a scene of utter chaos, save for a neat stack of papers upon her desk. Big Mac took a look at the top page: All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. All work and no play makes Applejack a dull pony. "Oh shit!" TV Static Author's Note Happy Halloween! Yes, this is a parody of "The Shining." I had a number of ideas for Halloween-themed stories, but this is the only one I've had the time to write. I may still write a quick one and publish it this week. Dreadnought
Jack in a BoxSherman, an oak tree, walked through the orchard. Spotting his friend, he approached the young apple tree. Good morning Bloomberg, he greeted. Good morning Sherman, he replied. It is a beautiful day, isn't it? Yes. By the way, the postmare accidentally left a package for you on our side of the orchard. Really? Who would send me a package? It's from Sweet Apple Acres. Sweet Apple Acres! That's my old home. Bloomberg opened the package to reveal a small box with a crank handle. He turned it and a simple tune played: POP!!! A pair of orange hooves shot forth, hitting Bloomberg squarely in the trunk. He reeled backwards, losing apples and leaves. Sherman looked at the box, and Applejack emerged. She smiled. "Now that's what I call an Applejack in the box!" TV STATIC Author's Note My 50th chapter!
New Cutie Mark"Just look at it! Isn't it just the greatest!? I can't believe I finally got my cutie mark!" Apple Bloom practically bounced off the walls. "Yeah, it sure is somethin'," confirmed Applejack. She smiled at her younger sister's happiness. "Now Apple Bloom, y'all had fun at yer cute-ceañera, but it's time ya got cleaned up. You need to go take yer bath." "But Applejack - ," whined Apple Bloom. "No buts, you need to go take yer bath." "Alright," said Apple Bloom. She slowly headed upstairs and a moment later came the sound of running water from the bathroom. Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Knock!!!Kno- Applejack opened the front door. "Sweetie Belle! Scoot-" "Is Apple Bloom here!?" "Has she taken a bath!?" "What happened to your cutie-" Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!! came a scream from upstairs. The three raced up the stairs and to the bathroom. Apple Bloom stood dripping, her mouth wide with horror. Looking at her sister's blank flank, then to the blank flanks of the other members of the CMC, Applejack asked, "What in tarnation?" Sweetie Belle explained, "They wash off." "Nooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!" screamed Apple Bloom. TV Static
Things not to say to Princess CelestiaThings no one should ever say to Princess Celestia: "Sunbutt!!!" "Princess of the Sun? More like Princess of Cake!" "You should go on a diet, because Damn! You're fat!" "How much do you weigh?" "Did I just hear you say, 'Let them eat cake'?" "Princess? You've been on the throne for a thousand years and you're still a princess!? You should have become Queen Celestia in that time!" "Starswirl is still waiting for your late homework from a thousand years ago!" "How come Twilight always has to save the day?" "So, what is it you say you do around here?" "You'll still never be as popular with the fandom as Twilight Sparkle." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Queen Chrysalis." "Did you even try to save your sister before banishing her to the moon?" "You're a great actress." "Equestria would be a better place if you abdicated and joined the theater." "It's time for Equestria to become a republic." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Discord." "In my fanfiction, you're shipped with Daybreaker." "How come all your guards are young, strapping stallions?" "You can move the sun but you can't stop Tempest Shadow?" "Your overconfidence is your weakness." "You must be getting up there in years. Have you ever thought about retiring?" "You like to send the mane six on missions to save the day all the time. Yet you've never sent them to Washington DC?" "Everything is planned by you, isn't it? You're manipulating everyone into what you want." "All hail Nightmare Moon!" "All hail Daybreaker!" TV STATIC
Road to the Pilot♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ The time machine shuddered before becoming still. The door opened, spilling fog into the bedroom. "We're back!" proclaimed Brian. "Wait a moment, let me check," said Stewie. Pulling out a laptop, he scanned the screen. "There it is, 9-11. By ensuring September 11th happened, we prevented that terrible post-apocalyptic world." Brian shuddered. "There you are," said Lois. "Aren't you coming to watch the new episode?" "New episode?" questioned Brian. "My Little Pony. Don't be so modest mister creator and head writer." "Sure," responded a confused Brian. The two followed Lois downstairs. *** Brian entered the bedroom, followed by Stewie who shut the door. "Well, that went - " Wham! Brian fell to the floor after being hit by a pipe wielded by Stewie. "What was that for?" asked Brian. "You ruined it!" "Look, Stewie - " "Twinkle Sparkle! Twinkle Sparkle! It's Twilight Sparkle!!! Twilight Sparkle! And who the hell is Rainbow Flash!?" "Okay, so I might have made some changes - " "They don't live in Equestria anymore. You moved Ponyville to Kentucky." "Well, they do like horses in Kentucky." "Pinkie Pie is an alicorn! Do you know how much damage she'd inflict if she were an alicorn!" "Calm down - " "Don't you tell me to calm down. All those changes were bad enough, but you went and removed Applejack from the show! Best character on My Little Pony! Come on. We're going to fix this." Stewie dragged Brian by the collar into the time machine. ♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ Author's Note How could I not do a sketch featuring Family Guy?
Pony Park - Part 8Nedry raced along the muddy road through the dark and the rain. He looked out for a turnoff before looking straight ahead - to a sharp bend in the road. Desperately he slammed the brakes and turned the wheel, but he skidded through the barrier and into a ravine. He climbed out into the rain, and spotted the sign for the East Dock. Hurriedly, he grabbed the line for the winch and raced to lash it around a nearby tree. Nedry heard a sound behind him and turned around, only to see a shadowy figure bounce back into the trees. "You got time, you can do this Dennis," he muttered, trying to motivate himself. A pony bounced around in the brush. Nedry made his way back towards the Jeep when he heard something behind him. He turned to see a pink pony standing there, looking at him expectedly. "What do you want? I got nothing. Here," he said, grabbing a stick. "You want to play fetch? Go fetch the stick," he said, throwing the stick into the woods. The pony still looked at him expectedly. "No wonder you're cancelled." Nedry stumbled back towards the Jeep. He turned to look back at the pony that had followed him. Suddenly, her mane expanded. "Smile!" she said, as she shot streams of silly string at him. Dennis screamed as the silly string burned his eyes. He raced towards the Jeep and banged his head on its frame, knocking him unconscious. TV STATIC Author's Note Bet you didn't see that coming!
Treats for the FoalsRumble pulled out a cigarette. Turning to Tendertaps, he asked, "Say, got a light?" The earth pony put his cigarette back in his mouth as he searched his bag. "Here you go," he said, striking the lighter. Holding the cigarette end in the flames for a moment, Rumble leaned back and took a deep breath. "Oh, that's just right." Tendertaps took a satisfying puff of his cigarette. "I know what you mean. What did we do before cigarettes?" "I don't want to remember. I just like that smooth - " "What are you doing!" cried Cheerilee as she ran towards the two colts. "Uh, smoking?" replied Rumble. "Yeah," agreed Tendertaps. Ten minutes later.... BAM! The door to Sugarcube Corner slammed open and Cheerilee entered, literally dragging two colts with her. "Pinkie Pie!" she screamed. The door to the kitchen swung open. "Hi Cheerilee!" "Don't you 'Hi Cheerliee' me!" "What's the matter?" "Why did you gave these foals cigarettes!?" "Silly Cheerilee. I gave them candy cigarettes." "Are you sure about that?" Confused, Pinkie reached underneath the counter and produced a large cardboard box. She dumped the contents out. "As you can see, these are...." Pinkie scrutinized the packets. "Cigarettes?" "Pinkie, you gave foals cigarettes," growled Cheerilee. "How many foals did you give these to?" "Uh, I bought enough for all the foals of Ponyville." "Pinkie Pie!" yelled Applejack and Rarity as they stormed into Sugarcube Corner. TV STATIC
Apple Stand IV"Or maybe Ah can sell ya some apple cider?" offered Applejack. "I'll take it from here," came a voice from above. "Who said that?" "It's me - the Author." "Dreadnought?" "Yes." "Well, howdy. Ah was just fillin' in fer ya like ya wanted." "Yes thank you. I appreciate you taking over for a while, but fans don't just want you to try and sell them apples. They come to 'Robot Pony' for the craziness and chaos, and the last couple of chapters have been... underwhelming." "Ah'm sorry." "It's not your fault. Besides, I appreciate you covering for me." "At least Ah didn't go all nuts like Fluttershy when she ran Rarity's store." "Huh." Applejack cocked her head. " 'Huh' ?" "I was just thinking of how funny 'Valley-Girl Applejack' would be." "What?" "Or 'Goth Applejack'." "What!" "I need you to cover for me while I go type up a really awesome story!" Applejack's eyes went wide. "Y'all have yer fans here at 'Robot Pony'. They want ya to write some more an' not git distracted with other stories." "Oh, okay. I'll do that. In fact, you'll be the star of the next chapter!" "What!" TV STATIC Author's Note We won! We won! Virginia won the national championship!
It's What's On the Inside..."You're probably wondering why I came back to the family farm in the middle of the night," said Pinkie. Mm-hmm, noted Marble. "Well, it all started when—" "Less talking, more farming!" barked Limestone. "It's just... Maud has a boyfriend." "I'm not jealous! Who said anything about jealous?!" "Don't be! He's super-duper weird! And somehow, he tricked Maud into liking him. And now I'll never get to see her again!" Pinkie sighed, "I came home because you two know her better than anypony. What am I missing? What does she see in him? What does he have that I don't?!" "Buck up, Pinkie Pie. You look as miserable as I feel all the time." "It's just that I love Maud, and I want to love Mudbriar, but I can't see anything to like about him!" Limestone declared, "Ugh, fine! We're taking a work break. Come on!" She led the others to a simple rock. "I'm looking at a sparkling bright blue and white rock," said Limestone. "See it?" "You mean that lumpy grey one?" asked Pinkie Pie. "No, the beautiful blue and white one. Right there." "I would not describe that as beautiful, blue, or white, but.... Okay." "Show her," ordered Limestone. Marble Pie split the rock. "It's a geode! The outside looks like a regular rock, but the inside is filled with beautiful gems," said Limestone. "Ohhhhhh! I know what I must do!" She grabbed her sisters in a tight hug. "Thanks you two!" Pinkie raced off to the train station. Two hours later in Ponyville…. "Ahhhh!" screamed Mudbriar as he ran through town. "Somepony help me!" Pinkie came racing after him wielding a pickaxe. "Come back here Mudbriar! I need to split you open!" TV STATIC
An InvitationClippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Pinkie Pie galloped across the land, followed by an overburdened Twilight. The pair approached a mighty fortress. "Halt!" cried Pinkie. "Who goes there?" cried a pony from above. "I'm Pinkie Pie! And this is Princess Twilight. We're from Ponyville!" "Pull the other one!" "No really! We've travelled the length and breadth of the land to ask you to join our Festival of Friendship in Canterlot next month." "What are those?" "What?" "Those?" Pinkie looked about. "You mean those?" she asked, pointing to the items suspended in Twilight's magical field. "You're banging two coconuts together." "Yeah?" "Why would you need to bang coconuts together?" "I like the 'clippity-clop' sound effect!" "But you're ponies!" "So?" "You're ponies! You should make that sound naturally!" "Nope. Never heard it!" "And where did you get those coconuts?" "We found them!" yelled Pinkie. She turned around to Twilight. "Come on. Even I can't believe we're doing this bit." Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. Clippity-clop. As they trotted away, a voice called from behind, "Are you suggesting cocounts migrate?" "Nope!" TV STATIC Author's Note Wanted to publish today's chapter before the movers come and I became all distracted.
May the Best Pet Win - Alternate Ending"Rainbow! Your new pet is over here waiting for you!" cried Fluttershy. The falcon took off and swooped over the assembled ponies before taking a perch on Rainbow Dash's back. Rainbow mumbled, "Oh... Right... Yeah... That." "What's the matter?" asked Spike. "You got your perfect pet, right?" asked Pinkie Pie. Fluttershy said, "The best of the best like you wanted, remember? It can fly and it's not a squirrel! Should we sing about it again?" "A falcon sure looks good on ya, Rainbow," said Applejack. Rarity clicked the camera and the tortoise yelped in terror, retreating into his shell. Rainbow Dash rushed over, "Easy, fella. Nothing to be afraid of." She paused in thought. "The falcon sure does looks cool... He's absolutely everything I wanted in a pet." She let out a long forlorne sigh. "Yay?" offered Fluttershy. "Yeah, it's just, I've decided to go with another pet." The tortoise poked his head out of his shell with a hopeful look. "Really?" asked a knowing Fluttershy. "Eyup." "Who then?" said Applejack, asking the rhetorical question. "Isn't it obvious?...." The tortoise smiled. Suddenly giving a blank stare, Rainbow Dash pointed off to the side and said in a monotone voice, "The hypnotoad." TV STATIC Author's Note All moved out of my house!
TitanicThe two ponies huddled close together for warmth on this bone-chilling night. They only heard the soft sounds of the great liner cutting through the ocean. The two scanned the inky blackness ahead.... Suddenly, a shape loomed out of the darkness. They gasped at the mountain of ice towering in front of them. The mare turned around and rang a bell, yelling at the top of her lungs, "Iceberg! Iceberg! Dead ahead." On the bridge, the first officer barked, "Hard to port! Full astern!" The sailor spun the wheel as fast as he could, while another rang the telegraph. In the engine room, the chief engineer heard the bells of the engine order telegraph. "Full astern!" he cried over the sounds of the reciprocating machinery. Ponies scurried about, turning valves. The giant pistons of the reciprocating engine came to a stop, then slowly started to go in reverse. On the bridge, the everypony held their breaths. "Sweet Celestia, we're going to hit it!" cried the first officer. Suddenly, on the forecastle, a bright purple flash. An alicorn lowered her head and a blinding flash came forth from her horn. It struck the iceberg, shattering it into a million pieces. The liner passed by the debris. The first officer ran out and shouted, "You've saved the Titanic!" Twilight smiled, "It was no problem. Now, if you don't mind, I'm going back to bed." TV STATIC Author's Note Jack ain't dying on this one!
Apple StandApplejack stood behind her apple stand. "Howdy y'all. The author is running low on ideas, so he asked me to fill in for a while. Now don't expect me tah perform some big magic trick like Twilight, or a sonic rainbow like Rainbow Dash. An' don't go wantin' me tah talk 'bout that fancy fashion stuff or animals. An' Ah ain't gonna do somethin' crazy like Pinkie Pie. Ah'm just happy tah be here at mah apple stand.... ... ... ... So... y'all want tah buy some apples?" TV STATIC Author's Note Posting this from the ferry.
New Cars"So..." began Sunset Shimmer. "You six came from Equestria to buy cars?" Pinkie Pie leapt from her seat and started bouncing up and down. "I've heard that cars are so much fun!" "And fashionable," added Rarity. "And practical," noted Applejack. "I want something fast," declared Rainbow Dash. "We've read your letters and we thought it'd be a good idea to have some in Equestria," explained Twilight. "Do you know what you'd like to get?" asked Sunset. The six ponies-turned-girls returned blank stares. "Okay." Sunset rubbed her head. "Let me show you some models on my laptop." After half an hour, the six quickly reached a consensus. *** The car dealer walked out to a group of several girls approaching the lot. "Hello," he greeted. "Hello," they chorused. "How can I help you?" "We'd like to buy six cars," explained Sunset Shimmer. "Six!?" "Yes, in purple, orange, pink, blue, white and yellow." "What model?" All seven girls chorused, "Mustangs!" TV STATIC
The Curse of Oak IslandThe men stood by, watching the cable come up the hole. It looped over a pulley and wound around the drum. Turn upon turn, the cable wrapped around the drum. Dozens upon dozens of feet of steel cable came up the hole. Finally, a dark object emerged. The workers scrambled, carefully guiding the object from the Money Pit and setting it gently down on the ground. People swarmed around the object, with camera crews documenting every moment. "Set back!" a man ordered. He carried a circular saw and began grinding away at the treasure chest. Everyone stared with unblinking eyes as the saw cut away at the ancient lock. Thunk! The cut lock fell to the ground. Everyone knew the most anticipated moment of their lives was at hand. Carefully the man opened the top of the treasure chest. Everyone held their breaths. "We now know what the treasure of Oak Island is... the banned episodes of My Little Pony ." Silence reigned. "What!" someone yelled. The man took out the DVDs. "We've got an episode where Pinkie Pie goes on a homicidal rage... one where Twilight gets Spike neutered... one where Fluttershy discovers her love of meat... one where Applejack tells Apple Bloom that she's her mother... one where Rarity makes a porno... one where Rainbow crashes and breaks her neck... and one where the ponies discover that they are really on a television show." TV STATIC Author's Note Any other ideas for lost episodes?
Red BaronWinona sat in the cockpit, her eyes shielded by her tinted goggles while her scarf billowed behind her. She scanned the horizon for her adversary. Where? Where in the wide open sky? There! Winona opened the throttle to her rotary engine* and banked. It was time for a duel! Her opponent did a large loop. The audience applauded. Winona responded with a barrel roll. The audience clapped. Her opponent did a barrel roll into a tight loop. The audience cheered. Winona did a spiraling corkscrew, getting ever tighter as she descended. The audience cheered louder. The opponent did a triple loop into a low altitude pass - all upside down. The audience exploded! It was now onto Winona. No time to hold back. Time for Pugachev's Cobra! She lined up, and pulled back on the stick. The Sopwith Camel hung in the air. She was doing it! She was - stalling! She dived down, the ground filling her vision. RIP! There went her wings. There was no hope! Crash!!! Winona lay on the ground before her doghouse, yipping and howling. Applejack rolled her eyes. "Good grief," she muttered. Winona looked to the sky and shook her paw at her imaginary foe. "Curse you Rainbow Dash!" TV Static Author's Note Yes, another Peanuts reference. *The Camel had a rotary, not a radial engine.
Counting DownThe temple lay abandoned and forgotten. A faint light illuminated the dark hallways, slowly growing bright. Finally, Darring Do rounded a corner, carrying a torch. She scanned the temple's interior. Raising her torch, she gasped at the sight.... "You found what?" asked Twilight. The map room was filled with the Elements of Harmony, the pillars, the royal sisters, Starlight and Sunburst. "A clock," repeated Daring Do. "A clock?" asked Pinkie. "Like an hourglass, a waterclock, a grandfather clock, a grandmother clock, a digital watch, a wristwatch?" "It was unlike anything I've ever seen. And..." she hesitated. "Go on," urged Princess Celestia. "And, it's counting down." "Counting down to what?" asked Rainbow. "The end of all things." Everypony gasped. "How... how much time to we have?" demanded Applejack. "Twenty four hours." Author's Note Twenty-four hours left. I've been dreading this day for years. I think I'll need a mountain of tissues! Dreadnought
Turkey DayFluttershy cuddled in front of the television, watching the Macy's Thanksgiving Day ParadeTM from New York, New York. In her lap lay Angel, dozing quietly as she ran her hand down his back and massaged his head. Knock! Knock! Fluttershy looked quizzically at the door. Who would be coming this early in the morning? Her grandparents weren't coming until later for dinner. It couldn't be Sunset Shimmer; they weren't meeting up to work at the soup kitchen until late afternoon. And it couldn't be Rainbow Dash. Despite her brother's advances, Rainbow Dash was not his girlfriend nor did she want to be anywhere near him. Carefully Fluttersy laid Angel on the floor next to her and she stood up, doing her best to not disturb the sleeping bunny. She approached the door and hesitantly turned the knob. The door flew open, knocking her over. Before her she saw brown blurs and and a torrent of feathers. Slam! The door was now firmly shut and securely locked. Fluttershy walked into the living room. Angel was now awake and quite perturbed. He was surrounded by dozens of turkeys, happily gobbling with and at each other. "Hello?" squeaked Fluttershy. A turkey looked directly at her. "Gobble." "Uh - can I help you?" "Gobble. Gobble gobble. Gobble gobble, gobble gobble gobble." "Oh. You say you need a safe place to hid until after Thanksgiving?" "Gobble." "Well, you're more than welcome to stay here." Angel began bouncing up and down, waving his arms. Reading his motions, suddenly her eyes went wide and her pupils shank to pinpricks. How was she going to explain what was cooking in the oven? TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thaksgiving and go Bills! Dreadnought
ColdKnock! Knock! Spike slowly made his way to the castle door, only stopping long enough to blow is dripping nose or cough. He finally swung the front door open. "Hello!" waved the snowman. He stepped inside, not bothering to wait for Spike to invite him in. "Ooh, a crocodile. What's your name?" "I'm a dragon, and my name is Spike." "Hi Spike, I'm Olaf. I'm not really sure where I am." "This is Twilight's castle." "Oh, that's good. Just one question, who's Twilight?" "Twilight?" "Yes," said the snowman, nodding his head. "She's a Princess of Equestria." "Equestria, that's funny. There's a bunch of horses running around outside." "They're ponies." "Ponies. We have those back in my homeland. But they don't talk. They're dumb." "Okay," said Spike, still feeling like crap due to the flu. Just when he didn't think he could get any more miserable.... "So Spike, can you send me home?" "I don't -" Something tickled his nose. Achoo!!!! Before him lay nothing but some sticks, a carrot, and a puddle of water. Twilight sat at the table. "Spike, I told you, you're sick. You don't have to make me dinner." Spike shrugged and pulled the cover off the plate. "Ooh," began Twilight. "Roast carrot. My favorite." TV STATIC Author's Note While watching Frozen, I was eagerly looking forward to a heat wave hitting the kingdom. And then what's-her-name had to give Olaf his own snow storm! Dreadnought
Boxing Day!Knock! Knock! Applejack trotted down the hall, wondering who was coming by the farm so early in the morning. She opened the front door and only saw a flash of red before it slammed her face. Reeling, dazed and confused, she glimpsed a retreating pink blur that yelled, "Happy Boxing Day Applejack!" Twilight couldn't wait to organize all the books she had received for Hearth's Warming. First she would sort the magic books. Then she would go through the history books. Maybe she'd take a break with a Daring Do adventure? She turned the corner to the library - Pow! Twilight fell back hard onto her haunches. "Happy Boxing Day, Twilight!" Rainbow Dash slept peacefully in her bed. Hard training always wore her out. Even though she had had Hearth's Warming off the day before, she was still exhausted from preparing for the new Wonderbolts season. She snuggled closer to her pillow and sank deeper into the bed. Wham! Rainbow bolted upright. A pony had busted down the wall to her bedroom. "Pinkie smash!" "Pinkie! What are you -" she was interrupted by a red boxing glove impacting her face. Rarity, dressed in a luxurious white bathrobe, entered the kitchen. "What should I make for breakfast?" she mused. She walked over to look in her refrigerator. Pulling back the door - Whomp! Rarity fell backwards. "Happy Boxing Day, Rarity!" cried the pink mare as she leapt out the window. "Pinkie!" shrieked Rarity in the empty room. Knock! Knock! Pinkie Pie bounced in place. She had wished four of her five very best friends a very happy Boxing Day. Now it was time for Fluttershy. The door opened. Wham! Pinkie Pie flew in the air until she slammed into a tree. When the stars stopped swirling, she looked up to see the yellow pegasus hovering above. "What - How?" Pinkie stuttered. Fluttershy smirked, "Float like a butterfly, sting like a bee!" TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Boxing Day! I feel like watching a Rocky marathon! Dreadnought
Taking a StandShaken, Rapunzel emerged from her room. "Ahmthalosrincesss." Gothel huffed, "Please speak up Rapunzel you know I hate the mumbling." Rapunzel looked at her "mother" and repeated, "I'm the lost princess, aren't I?" Suddenly, a black haired woman with seven short men declared, "I'm the lost princess!" A woman with flowing golden hair and three fairies announced, "I'm the lost princess!" A woman with an ogre and donkey proclaimed, "I'm the lost princess!" A peasant spoke in a heavy Russian accent, "I'm the lost princess!" A red-haired woman with a crab on her shoulder signed, "I'm the lost princess!" "I'M THE LOST PRINCESS!!!" A moment later all the creatures slid down the wall which the booming voice had slammed them against. The dark blue alicorn covered her mouth with her hoof before saying, "Our apologies, we did not mean to use the Royal Canterlot Voice." TV STATIC
SourceThe official party walked down the hallway. Richard Grenell, Director of National Intelligence, growled at his associate, "This had better be good. I had to cancel a meeting with the President because of this." The bureaucrat assured him, "Oh yes Sir, very important. We've discovered the source of the virus. She's in the interrogation room." "What?" DNI was ushered into a darkened room. On the other side of a one way mirror, he could see a large white unicorn with wings sitting patiently at a table. His rubbed his forehead as he felt a headache coming on. "What were you thinking?" "Well, the corona is part of the sun. And who controls the sun? Princess Celestia. So it makes sense that she's the source of the virus." "Last week you brought me the head of the Mexican brewery. Now you've kidnapped - " "Foalnapped, Sir." " - foalnapped the head of an interdimensional government. Let's hope that she has a sense of humor and doesn't wipe out the human race!" TV STATIC Author's Note Laughter is supposed to be the best medicine. Stay healthy, stay safe! Dreadnought
LunchThe Elements of Harmony had once again gathered around the Cutie Map. Though, this time, it wasn't an important mission they were planning or vital research they were conducting. No, it was being used for another task. The map, a device of immense magic and wisdom, had been relegated to mere dining room table. The six were happily enjoying their lunch. Or rather, five of the six were happily enjoying their lunch. Eaten off plates. Plates located on one of the most powerful magical artifacts known in the world. "Darling, what ever is the matter?" asked Rarity. Applejack sighed, "Ah don't want tah talk 'bout it." Suddenly, she had the undivided attention of all five ponies. "You can tell us," coaxed Twilight. "We're here for you," encouraged Fluttershy, though it is doubtful anypony else heard it. "Come on, spill it!" demanded Rainbow Dash. Applejack closed her eyes and shook her head. Getting up and wrapping her friend in a wing, Twilight said soothingly, "Applejack, we're here for you. You know you can tell us anything." Applejack sighed again, "It's just... it's hard." "Applejack, we want to help," said Rarity. "Yeah!" cried Pinkie Pie. Applejack took a deep breath. "Well... the truth is... yah see... it turns out... well... it's just that... Ah'm not what you think I am." Twilight smiled, "Applejack, you're one of the strongest ponies - " "That's just it Twi. Ah ain't a pony." Silence filled the room as everypony stared at Applejack in shock. "You mean...," began Twilight. "You're a changeling?" finished Rainbow Dash. "Nah," said Applejack. "Ah'm a Cylon." TV STATIC Author's Note Sorry. There was a Battlestar Galactica marathon on Syfy. Dreadnought
Ancient PoniesMillions of people believe that we have been visited in the past by magical ponies. Did magical ponies really help to shape our history? And if so, might there be evidence in the legends of our ancient ancestors? Who were they? What did they leave behind? Where did they go? Will they return? ANCIENT PONIES December 2002. New Line Cinema releases The Two Towers, the second installment of Peter Jackson's Lord of the Rings trilogy. In it, Gandalf the Wizard relies upon Shadowfax, a wild magical stallion to carry him across Middle Earth and into battle at Helm's Deep. But Shadowfax is just one in a long line of horses in human mythology to help mankind. Unicorns. Pegasi. Kirin. For centuries, humans told legends of magical ponies that have helped shape history. Consider the ancient cave paintings of Bhimbetka, India. Giorgio A. Tsoukalos: It is obvious that our ancestors interacted with ancient pones. If you look at the paintings, you can see that the ponies are interacting with humans and teaching them how to build a civilization.... TV STATIC Author's Note If it's Friday on the History Channel, then it's Ancient Ponies. I mean, Ancient Aliens. Everypony have a safe and healthy Memorial Day weekend. Unless your area is celebrating another holiday, in which case have a safe and healthy *Insert your holiday here* ! Dreadnought
New BlendRainbow Dash streaked through the sky. She nearly made a sonic rainboom, but kept just under the speed of sound, lest she get hit with another citation and have to shell out a ton of bits to fix broken windows. It was hard, because she was in such a rush. It was finally cider season! She had waited all year! She would not wait a second longer than she had to for that glorious liquid. Quickly the familiar scene of the Apple cider stand came into view. She dove down and hit the ground hard. After the dust settled, it revealed an unscathed Rainbow Dash standing proudly in all her glory. "Howdy, Rainbow. How y'all doin'?" greeted Applejack. "Hey AJ. Give me some cider." "One regular cider comin' up." "Wait, regular cider?" "Uh - yeah." "You mean there's another type of cider?" demanded Rainbow. "Well, we've been experimentin' with our process. We made a special batch with some new ingredients to make a real special cider." Rainbow Dash perked up. "Special cider?" "Eeyup." "As in, the best cider you ever made?" "Well, that's what we reckon. Granny thinks this new variety is pretty good. As does Big Mac. Even Apple Bloom took a swig and liked it." Her eyes glistening and her tongue lolling out of her mouth, Rainbow Dash slammed two bits on the counter. "This I've got to try. I'll take it!" "Ah'm not sure. It's pretty potent stuff," cautioned Applejack. "You saying I can't handle my cider?" growled Rainbow Dash. "Nah, but it hits us earth ponies somethin' fierce, and Ah don't know what a lightweight like a pegasus would do." "Give me the cider!" she demanded. "Fine, fine," said Applejack, filling a mug from a specially marked barrel. "But don't say Ah didn't warn yah." Rainbow Dash placed the mug on the counter and an instant later it was drained. "I'll have another!" "Ah'm not sure - " "Another!" A second later sat another empty mug. "Again!" "Rainbow - " "Again!" She threw a dozen more bits onto the counter. Shortly three empty mugs sat on the counter. Rainbow Dash stood there speechless, with a crooked smile plastered on her face. "We mixed some mushrooms into blend. We were thinkin' of callin' it our Premiere Cider Product - PCP fer short. It took a lot of work..." Rainbow Dash didn't hear a word. She was too mesmerized by the psychedelic show before her eyes. TV STATIC Author's Note 30,000 words! Can you believe it? Wow. Thank you all for following this story over the last three years. Dreadnought
4th of July!Pinkie Pie bounced down the street, greeting everypony she met. "Happy Fourth of July, Applejack!" "Howdy Pinkie, an' a happy Fourth of July to y'all." "Happy Fourth of July Lyra!" "Happy Fourth of July, Pinkie." "Happy Fourth of July, Big Mac! Happy Fourth of July, Sugar Belle!" "Eeyup." "Happy Fourth of July, Pinkie." "Happy Fourth of July, Rainbow Dash!" "You doing your annual Fourth of July fireworks show?" "Yes, indeedy!" Ocellus turned to Gallus. "I know that ponies celebrate the Summer Solstice, Nightmare Night and Hearth's Warming, but I didn't know the Fourth of July was a pony holiday." Gallus scratched his head, "Neither did I." Later that night, Ponyville was treated to a spectacular fireworks display: The next day.... Pinkie Pie bounced down the street, greeting everypony she met. "Happy Fifth of July, Applejack!" "Howdy Pinkie, happy Fifth of July!" "Happy Fifth of July, Rainbow Dash!" "You doing your annual Fifth of July fireworks show?" "You know it!" Gallus remarked to Ocellus, "Guess the Fourth of July isn't anything special. It's just Pinkie being Pinkie." TV STATIC Author's Note Good Morning and Happy Fourth of July! Well, I didn't mean to be late in publishing a chapter this week. June was a heck of a month. I received orders to a new installation. Normally, one gets orders and has a couple of months to get ready - packing, moving, looking for a new place to live, out-process, get necessary training done, etc. However, thanks to Covid, my orders got delayed and when I did get them, I had three weeks to report in at my new base. And that included working crew shifts and driving cross-country! I got very little sleep and even less time to write. Then I was on the road for 11 days and 4100 miles. Now I've got to find a place to live, move in, and get training for my new job done. Busy times. Don't know if you've all seen, but Whinny City Pony Con is going on. Most of the events are free, so you can tune in on their website. Anyways, happy Fourth of July everyone! Dreadnought
Famous EquationsPythagorean Theorem: Archimedes Volume of a Cone: Newton's Second Law of Motion: Euler's Equation: Einstein's Mass-Energy Equivalence: Pinkie Pie's Fun Formula: TV STATIC
Act of CreationDexter sat in front of a computer. Running simulations and analyzing matrices of complex numerical data always brought him great happiness, especially when the results precisely matched his predictions. He was at peace. But all good things.... "Ooh, what does this button do!?" He turned and slapped his sister's hand away from the big red button. "Don't touch that woman!" he commanded. Rubbing her hand, Dee Dee asked, "What is it Dexter?" "That is the start button for my greatest invention ever!" he proudly proclaimed. "But I thought your" she used air quotes "'neurotomic protocore' was your greatest invention." She motioned to the device gathering dust in the corner. Narrowing his eyes, he said, "It was until someone came along and ruined it. Do you know who that was, or should I say will be?" Dee Dee shrugged, "I dunno." Dexter huffed and rolled his eyes. "The button you were about to press would start the genesis wave." "Genesis wave?" Taking on his beloved role of teacher for his dimwitted sister, whom he considered dummer than a troglodyte, he began, "Genesis is the act of creation. The Genesis Device will unleash a genesis wave, which will rearrange matter into whatever form it is designed to achieve. Once it finishes charging overnight, I will unleash its power to usher in an age of science. Imagine it, Dee Dee. A world filled with transporters! A computer on everyone's wrist! A flying car in every garage and a laboratory in every home! Science and logic will rule the world!" Dee Dee shrugged again, "Sounds boring." She turned and walked away. Dexter shook his head, "Stupid Dee Dee." Early the next morning... A hand turned off Dexter's alarm clock as he slept peacefully, a smile on his face as he dreamed of the possibilities of the genesis wave. Dexter slowly rolled over and scrunched his face, unready for the light coming in through his window. He opened his eyes. It was - "Afternoon!" he cried. He rolled out of bed and donned his glasses. He stopped when he caught a glimpse of outside. Without a pause he ran down the stairs and burst forth from the front door. His jaw dropped at what he was seeing. Somehow, the color palette had become painfully bright. Suburbia had been transformed into a quaint village with small cottages topped by thatched roofs. And he began noticing the strangest thing of all: ponies. Not just small horses, but unicorns wielding magic and pegasi flying in the skies above. What had happened? A quick scan and he found his sister sitting on a blanket having a picnic with six such equines and some weird lizard. He ran over. "Dee Dee! What in Einstein's name happened?" "Who is this, darling?" asked a purple haired - er - maned pony. Dee Dee explained, "Oh, that's my brother." She turned to Dexter. "Hi Dexter! Your plan sounded boring, so I used your genesis thingy. I turned America into Equestria." "Equestria!?" "Yeah, you know, from My Little Pony." Dexter facepalmed. "It's going to take weeks for the Genesis Device to recharge before I can fix this mess." "'Fix this mess?'" asked a lavender unicorn with wings. "Yes. First I'll have to use the genesis wave to revert Equestria back to America. Then I can use it again to make my ideal society." An orange pony wearing a ridiculous stetson asked, "So, when y'all say yer goin' to 'revert Equestria back to America', what happens to Equestria?" Dexter explained, "Well, obviously it will be wiped away. There can't be any traces before the genesis wave is used again." He shook his head. "Why are all females so dim-witted?" he lamented. The six ponies exchanged looks. Before he knew it, Dexter was hogtied by a rope. "Twilight, go get the Elements. Ah'll keep 'im tied down," proclaimed the earth pony. "What are you going to do?" he demanded. "The same thing we do to everypony who tries to destroy the world!" replied a blue pegasus. Sometime later.... The teacher led her students through the Royal Gardens of Canterlot. Stopping, she addressed the students, "And here is the statue of Dexter. Unlike all other villains of Equestria, he didn't want to take over. He wanted to completely destroy the world." The students all stood wide-eyed and gasped. They followed their teacher as she led them further into the gardens. A strange creature, almost a science-experiment of sewn together appendages of different creatures, approached. Tapping on the stone statue, he remarked, "Guess no one bothered to warn you about the Elements of Harmony." TV STATIC Author's Note Can't believe it's been so long since I published an installment! Hope you enjoyed it! Dreadnought
Birthday Present!"Oh Twilight, I absolutely love it!" cried Rarity. "I knew you'd like the Encyclopedia of Fashion. This edition is revised and expanded." "No matter how much I know about fashion, I know there's always more to learn." "Well, that's all the presents," said Pinkie Pie. "Now time for cake!" She wheeled a towering three-tiered pastry out to the assembled group of friends. "Oh, it looks delicious," said Rarity. "Yeah," said Rainbow Dash, her mouth open and her eyes fixed on the cake. Suddenly the top layer rose to reveal a horses head with a horn and an antler and a pair of mismatched eyes. "Discord!" cried Rarity. "Oh, hello there." "What do you want?" "And why are you ruining Rarity's cake!" demanded Pinkie Pie. "Oh, I'm here to give Rarity her present." "You are?" asked Rarity warily. "Yes." He popped out and stood before the mare. He pulled forth a small box, opening it to reveal a simple golden ring. "For you, my lady." Rarity levitated it and examined it. "It's an exquisite piece of work. Wherever did you get it?" Frodo Baggins stood on the precipice, looking down into the fires of Mount Doom. He pulled forth his chain from under his shirt, and let out a gasp as the One Ring was missing. TV STATIC Author's Note I'm slowly getting back into writing after a hiatus, starting with my new story My Little Promotion. Dreadnought
Election 2020♫Da-da-dada-DAA!!!♫ The time machine shuddered before becoming still. The door opened, spilling fog into the bedroom. "We're back!" said a thankful Brian as he fell to his knees. "2021! The year that saved America!" proclaimed Stewie. "Oh, it's good to be back. Who knew the Dark Ages were so unhygenic?" "Ah yes. It would be several hundred years before toilet paper would be introduced from China." "I just feel like watching some tv for a while," said Brian. The two made their way downstairs. Sitting on the couch, Brian flipped on the television. "...And tomorrow we'll have special live coverage of the inauguration of President Trump!" Stewie and Brian sat there slack-jawed. "He got re-elected?" gasped Brian. "Four more years?" said a pale Stewie. "Yes, this will likely be the last inauguration for some time, as last month Trump was declared 'Dictator for Life' by the Twenty-eighth Ammendment." Stewie and Brian stared at each other in horror. "We've got to fix this!" yelled Brian. "Of course we do!" replied Stewie. "Now, prepare for a special presentation of My Little Pony: The Movie followed by the premiere of Season 10!" "Come on, Stewie, we've got to undo our change to the past and save the future!" Stewie watched the television and dismissively waved Brian off. "Now, now, let's not be too hasty. Let's give this dictatorship a chance." "And during the broadcast we'll also have a special sneak peek at My Little Pony 2: The Crystal Empire Strikes Back! " Stewie squealed with glee. TV STATIC Author's Note They just called Florida for Trump. We'll see how the rest of the night plays out.
Christmas Eve 2020Seven friends gathered together in the family room, dressed in their usual nightgowns and pajamas. "Don't stay up too late," said Windy Whistles as she headed upstairs. "You'll want to be asleep when Santa Claus comes to town." "Santa! Santa!" cried Pinkie. "Moooom!" groaned Rainbow Dash. "Alright, time fer a movie!" proclaimed Applejack. "What should we watch?" posed Sunset. "Ooh! Ooh!" Pinkie bounced up and down. "How the Grinch Stole Christmas!" "We should view that great romance White Christmas," proposed Rarity. "I think we should watch It's a Wonderful Life," said Fluttershy, though it is doubtful any of the other girls heard her. "We're watching the greatest Christmas movie ever," said Rainbow Dash as she fiddled with the television. The seven watched the screen. "Is that Bruce Willis?" asked Sunset. "Die Hard," groaned Applejack Merry Christmas! Author's Note Die Hard Greatest. Christmas. Movie.... EVER!
RetrospectiveDiscord sat in an overstuffed chair, next to a roaring fire. He wore a comfortable set of trousers and a smoking jacket. Removing his pipe, he addressed the audience: "Greetings, everyone. I just wanted to take a moment and reflect. In October 2010, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic premiered. It taught how to work together in harmony, build friendships, tackle difficult problems, and see things through a different perspective. Together, we laughed, we cried, we were inspired to make the world a better place. Finally, on October 12th, 2019, after nine wonderful seasons the series ended." He paused for a moment to let that information sink in. "Since then, world has seen a massive global pandemic, economies have collapsed, protests are in the streets. Billions of lives have been disrupted. The Cowboys and the Patriots are terrible, while the Bills and Browns are great. We've had an unconventional and disputed presidential election. The world has turned upside down. "Is it a coincidence? I think not...." He put his pipe in his mouth and began puffing away. TV STATIC Author's Note Nothing more that needs to be said.
Jeopardy!Alex turned to the contestants. "The category is Figures of History. Here's your clue: The leader of the Pillars, he is known as "The Father of the Amniomorphic Spell" "Okay, let's see your answers. We'll start with Matthew. What did you put down? 'Who is Merlin?'. I'm afraid you are wrong. Let's see how much you wagered. Everything. Well, let's see how Christine did. 'Who is Ptolemy?' No, I'm afraid you're incorrect. Let's see how much that is going to cost you. Everything. Now we turn to our champion. What did she put down? 'Who is Starswirl the Bearded?' That is correct. How much did you risk? $60,000. That gives you a total of $120,000 and a 200 day total of $16,482,600. We'll be seeing Twilight Sparkle again on Monday. Goodbye folks!" In Memoriam Alex Trebek 1940-2020 Author's Note Tonight is Trebek's final Jeopardy! episode. He's been hosting as long as I, and probably most of you, have been alive.
DreamwalkingGallus locked the door and joined the rest of his friends in the dorm room. Every creature looked expectantly at Ocellus, who seemed uneasy as the center of attention. "So, what's this big secret you have?" he asked. "Ooh! Ooh! Tell us!" said an eager Silverstream. "Yak want to know!" said Yona. "Well.... You see..." she began. "As you all know, changelings have innate magic. We're very similar to unicorns in our abilities." "Yeah," said Sanbar. "Get to the point," put in Smolder. "Well, last night, I learned how to control some new magic." Bouncing up and down, Silverstream repeated, "Ooh! Ooh! Tell us!" "It's called dreamwalking." "You mean like what Princess Luna can do?" confirmed Gallus. "Yes." "Awesome!" cried Smolder as her fellow students all nodded in agreement. "So you can go into other creatures' dreams?" clarified Gallus. Ocellus nodded. "She come to our dreams tonight!" declared Yona. One week later... The students gathered around the breakfast table. "Last night was fun!" cried Silverstream. "Yak have good time." "Yeah, hanging out in our dreams is pretty cool," added Sandbar. "So, who's up for another round of lava surfing?" asked Smolder. "Actually, why don't we explore someone else's dream?" proposed Gallus. "Like whose?" asked Smolder. Gallus thought for a second. "How about the professors?" Later that night... All the students gathered together in the dreamscape. "So, who should we visit first?" asked Silverstream. Ocellus hesitated. "Do you really think this is a good idea?" "Yeah, isn't this like an invasion of privacy or something?" asked Sandbar. Gallus shrugged, "Princess Luna does it all the time, and she never asks anyone's permission." "Yeah, what's the harm?" tsked Smolder. Sighing, Ocellus lit her horn. Instantly they were transported away. "Wait a minute. Is this the castle?" asked Gallus. They looked over at all the bookcases filled to the brim with ancient tomes. Siting by herself was Twilight, thoroughly engrossed in a thick book. "Of course," groaned Gallus. "Next!" ordered Smolder. The scene transitioned to a bright sunny day. "Sweet Apple Acres?" questioned Silverstream. The six saw Professor Applejack polishing an enormous red apple larger than even the mare herself. "Who's a good apple? Who's a good apple? You are. Yes, you are!" said Applejack. "Next!" ordered Smolder. They found themselves in a dark forest. A blue pegasus flew into the clearing. Instantly, a horde of changelings swarmed around her. "Awesome!" cried Rainbow Dash. Screams of pain rang out. Green blood flew everywhere. Changelings fell by the dozens. "Wow!" said Smolder. "Ocellus!" cried Silverstream. The poor nymph had fainted. TV STATIC
Federal ChargesJanuary 24th, 2021 0900 Hours Federal Courthouse Washington, District of Columbia Everyone turned their heads and gasped as the prisoner was brought in. The girl was wearing a heavy bullet-proof vest over her orange jumpsuit, while her hands were shackled. A dozen armed FBI agents led her up to the front. A man in a business suit came up and began talking to her in a hushed voice. "All rise for the honorable Judge Marshall." Everyone in attendance rose as the judge entered the courtroom and took his place. He nodded to the prosecution, "You may begin." The prosecutor rose from his seat and addressed the court, "We are here to formally charge Miss Pinkamena Diane Pie on two counts. First, to attempting to enter a restricted area - " "I was there for the inauguration," bounced Pinkie. "It was supposed to be a super-duper party for President Biden!" Bang! Bang! Bang! Judge Marshall set his gavel aside as he barked, "Order! Order!" He looked at the man in the business suit standing next to Pinkie. "Mr. Grisham, please keep your client quiet." The prosecutor continued, "We are also charging her with intent to use a deadly weapon." Pinkie bounced again, "It's a party cannon! It shoots confetti!" Bang! Bang! Bang! "Order! Order!" TV STATIC
Pony Tales"Hello audience," said Twilight Sparkle. "Hiya readers!" yelled Pinkie as she blew a party horn and unfurled a banner that read Audience Appreciation Party! "We are so happy you're here! I've got lots of fun games set up! Cake and pies and cupcakes! There's also punch! And --" "Pinkie," reprimanded Twilight. "Let the others have a turn." "Oh, okay!" "Howdy, y'all. We're a mite happy that y'all decided to drop by an' see us." "Yeah, I can't wait to show you the latest trick I've been working on! It'll make the sonic rainboom look like foal's play!" "Hello, darlings. I am ever so happy that you decided to join us this evening.... Fluttershy, dear, won't you please say something?" "oh... um... hello everypony." "Actually," corrected Twilight, "they're not 'ponies' at all. They're humans. Just don't tell Lyra. I'm afraid she'll go crazy with excitement. Now, then. I know it is out of the ordinary that we address you directly. However, there's been a certain incident that we need to address." She sighed, "We have high standards when it comes to fanfiction, and I'm afraid the author's latest post fell well short of expectations. They seemed to not care at all about what they were writing. We held an emergency board meeting to discuss the matter. Therefore, we have arranged for the author to take a non-voluntary leave of absence. Hopefully a vacation filled with well-deserved rest will enable them to achieve the high levels of writing that we expect. But do not be worried, keep calm and rest assured that Robot Pony will carry on. During their absence, we have each volunteered to author a chapter. Now, first up --" "Ooh! Me! Me!" Throwing her foreleg into the air, Pinkie said, "Pick me! Pick me!" "Alright, Pinkie can have the first round. Tomorrow Pinkie will post the first chapter. I hope to see everyhuman back here tomorrow...."
Thanksgiving 2021Almost everyone was gathered around the food-laden table. Only the matriarch was missing, finishing up in the kitchen. Looking around, Applejack said, "Ah can't believe we didn't think of this before. Thanksgiving is a time to spend with family." "We don't have Thanks Giving back home, but Ah'm so happy we all got together," said the other Applejack. "Eeyup," responded two Big Macs in synch. "Ta think, there was another me out there," added Apple Bloom looking at her mirror image. Granny Smith eyed the three doppelgangers of her grandfoals. "Y'all may not be ponies, but y'all are Apples to the core!" Suddenly the door opened, and the other Granny Smith walked in carrying a perfectly roasted thirty pound turkey. The natives drooled at the sight while their guests visibly gagged. Meanwhile, at a house on the other side of town.... Twelve ponies shared a similar Thanksgiving table. "I hope you like rock soup," declared Limestone Pie. "We have it for the holidays back in Equestria," said the other Limestone. "Aw look," said Maud. "Boulder and Boulder are getting along," finished the other. Pinkie Pie beamed. "We may be having rock soup, but we can't forget the dessert!" She pulled out a pumpkin pie and pecan pie from her hair. The other Pinkie scoffed, "That's it?" She pulled out a single pie. "Pumpkin-pecan!" Meanwhile, at a house down the street.... "Dear, it's time for dinner," said Windy Whistles. "I'll get the girls," said Bow. He walked into the living room. His daughter, and her interdimensional counterpart, sat enthralled playing a video game. "You're still playing that fighting game?" he asked in surprise. "Yeah," said his daughter. "You've been at it for hours." "We're still on the first bout," she explained. Bow examined the screen. "Now, now," he smiled, "perfectly symmetrical violence never solved anything." TV STATIC Author's Note If you're hungry for more, you can check out Thanksgiving 2020. Also, my story The Labors of Applejack, has a great Thanksgiving-inspired chapter. Have a happy holiday! Go Bills!!!
Latest Business Offer"Ah'm sure glad you could make it to the Appleloosa Fair, cousin," said Braeburn. Applejack spared a glance at the fillies about them. Sweetie Belle had saddlebags loaded with souvenirs and gifts she had purchased. Scootaloo had a carrot dog on a stick in one hoof and a candy apple on a stick in another. Apple Bloom was lugging around a pony plushie almost as large as she was. Applejack chuckled, "Eeyup." Suddenly several ponies galloped by towards a big, growing crowd. With a characteristic eyebrow raise, she said, "Brae, look after the fillies for a sec." "Sure thing, cuz." Applejack approached the mass of ponies, crowding around a stand. Slowly making her way to the front, she found two familiar ponies peddling their latest product. "Yes, step right up folks for the greatest thing to ever come to Equestria!" said Flim. "Why yes, dear brother, it's like nothing ever seen before!" responded Flam. "It's the perfect investment!" "It's safe and secure!" "It's the wave of the future!" "It's guaranteed to grow in value!" "What is this amazing investment, Flam?" "Why, you fine folks could be the first to invest in cryptocurrency!" TV STATIC Author's Note
DSTA rainbow-colored blur rocketed across the sky to the crystal castle in the distance. Rainbow Dash burst into the map room. "I'm here! We can totally get started on breakfast." She was met by five blank stares. "What? Aren't we doing breakfast?" "Rainbow," began Twilight, "we've already eaten." "What?" "Yeah, it was totally Scrumdiddlyumptious!!!" declared Pinkie Pie. "I agree darling," added Rarity. "It was quite delicious." "How could you eat without me?" asked Rainbow Dash as her stomach lodged a similar protest. Looking over at her friend, Applejack said, "Sugarcube, you're late." "You said ten o'clock. I left my house at 9:59. It can't be more than 10:01." Twilight sighed, "Rainbow, did you forget to move your clock forward?" "Say what?" "Today is Daylight Savings Time." Rainbow facehoofed. "That would be a no." "Why do we move our clocks forward an hour? Why can't we just stay on one time all year? What sort of idiot came up with this!" A voice came from behind, "Well, I take offense to the 'idiot' slur, but I find Daylight Savings Time to be quite chaotic." Rainbow spun in place. "DISCORD!!!" she growled. TV STATIC Author's Note I hate DST. Contact your Congressman to push for passage of the Sunshine Protection Act! Dreadnought
UkraineJanuary 25th... NPR - Ukraine crisis deepens after U.K. says Russia may try to install a pro-Kremlin leader TIME - U.S. Puts 8,500 Troops on Alert for Possible Deployment to Europe Amid Ukraine Crisis BBC - Ukraine: How will we know if war has started? Five friends galloped into the Castle of Friendship. "Where in Equestria are we going, Twi?" asked Applejack. Examining the map, Twilight looked up, "Where not going anywhere in Equestria." "Then where are we going, darling?" asked Rarity. "Mr. President, they're in your private office," said the aide. President Putin stepped into his office and expertly hid his surprise at the six ponies waiting for him. "What have you come for?" he asked suspiciously. "Where here to teach you about loyalty," said Rainbow Dash. "And generosity," added Rarity. "Kindness," squeaked Fluttershy. "Laughter," bounced Pinkie Pie. "Honesty," added Applejack. "And the greatest magic of all, friendship!" finished Twilight Sparkle. One week later... BBC - "Tensions Suddenly Ease in Russia-Ukraine Crisis" CNN - "World Breathes Sigh of Relief As Crisis Ends" Fox News - "Putin Steps Back From Brink of War" One Month later... CNN - "Putin Vows New Era in Relations with West" BBC - "Russia: A Land Transformed" NBC - "Russia Extends Friendship to the West" TV STATIC Author's Note If only....
Last SupperAnd as they were eating, Jesus took bread, and blessed it, and broke it, and gave it to the disciples, and said, "Take, eat; this is my body." And he took the cup, and gave thanks, and gave it to them, saying, "Drink ye all of it." Then Pinkie Pie pranced in from the pantry with a platter of puffy pastries proclaiming "Who wants dessert?" TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Good Friday everyone! Dreadnought
Dragonshy - Deleted SceneFluttershy soothed the crying dragon. "There, there. No need to cry. You're not a bad dragon, you just made a bad decision. Now go pack your things. You just need to find a new place to sleep. That's all." The dragon took off and flew off south into the distance.... A short time later: TV STATIC Author's Note Good Morning Everyone! Thanks for reading! Dreadnought *UPDATE* Robot Pony has officially made the Featured box!
Kindergarten"Welcome. Welcome students," greeted the smiling lady. "I'm Ms. Baker, your kindergarten teacher." "Good morning Ms. Baker," replied several of the students. Noticing some of the apprehensive looks, she said, "I know this is your very first day of school, but do not worry. School will be fun and you'll like it very much." She pulled out a piece of paper. "Now, before we do anything else, I need to take attendance. When I call your name, please say 'Here.'" She referenced the sheet of paper. "Anna Adams." "Here," chirped the little girl. Ms. Baker smiled approvingly before continuing. "Thomas Andrews." "Here! Here!" shouted the eager boy as he waved his arms for attention. "Thank you, Thomas," she said, noting the child who likely had too much sugar in their diet. "Megan Boxer." "Here," replied the girl at a barely audible tone. Ms. Baker did a double-take at the list. "Rainbow-Dash Clark?" "Here!" said the little girl. "Twilight-Sparkle Clark?" "Here!" said the girl. Ms. Baker examined the two little red-haired twins seated on the floor. She noted, "I see your parents were fans of My Little Pony." TV STATIC
Disposing of the Incriminating EvidenceThe night was quiet and the sea calm. Only the motorboat broke the silence and tranquility. The vessel slowed down and came to a dead stop. "All right, let's do this," said Rainbow Dash. Fluttershy and Sunset Shimmer looked at the locked trunk in the middle of the boat. The three girls reached down and hefted the heavy trunk. Sunset Shimmer could feel something wet and sticky and warm seeping through the seams of the trunk. "On three," commanded Rainbow Dash. "One. Two. Three!" The girls heaved the trunk over the transom and off the back of the boat. Splash! The trunk hit the water, floating for a moment before sinking to Davy Jones's Locker. "Time to celebrate." Rainbow Dash headed to the cooler and retrieved three bottles of fizzy apple cider, giving Fluttershy and Sunset each a bottle. As the three girls sat in silence sipping their sodas, Sunset looked at her hands. They were covered in that sticky, warm, and red liquid. She sighed, "When Princess Twilight told me to learn friendship, I never thought it would involve helping my friends dispose of a body." Phffffft! Rainbow Dash spit out her cider as Fluttershy squeaked in horror. "What are you talking about?" demanded Rainbow Dash. "Uh, we got rid of a locked trunk that was leaking blood." She raised her red hands for emphasis. "That wasn't a body. Those were the three dozen cherry pies Pinkie Pie baked for me today." TV STATIC Author's Note I watched "Secrets and Pies" yesterday during the Mane 6 Summer Bash and this came to mind. Dreadnought
Pinkie Pie's Party Playlist"Ooh, I can't wait for the Starswirl Music Festital!" cried Pinkie Pie. Adjusting her glasses, Twilight said, "Well, it doesn't start until tomorrow." "An' it's a long drive," added Applejack as she drove the RV. "I know!" responded Pinkie. "That's why I created an individual playlist for everyone and chose a theme song for all of you!" "That's...." began Sunset Shimmer. "Incredibly organized," finished Twilight. "I'm jealous." Pinkie synched up her phone to the RV's stereo system. "So, darling, a theme song for each of us?" prompted Rarity. "Yeah. Here's mine." Pinkie Pie pushed her button and the song began playing: "Oh, darling, that suits you perfectly." "I know, let me do yours." Pinkie changed the playlist: "So fitting," cooed Rarity. "Ooh, do me next!" commanded Rainbow Dash. Pinkie obliged: "Uh, I don't get it," said Rainbow Dash. Pinkie giggled, "Haven't you looked in a mirror?" All the girls laughed. "Who's next?" asked Sunset. "Thanks for volunteering." Pinkie hit the button again: "That seemed a bit too obvious," said Twilight. "Not as obvious as yours!" "I'm not white and nerdy!" objected Twilight. "Do you know pie to a thousand places?" asked Pinkie. "Well, yes." "Do you have a soldering gun?" asked Applejack. "That's hardly relevant." "Can you code in Java?" asked Sunset. "Can't everybody?" "That settles it," said Rainbow Dash. "Twilight is definitely white and nerdy." Twilight crossed her arms and huffed, "If anything I'm purple and nerdy." "Lavender," corrected Rarity. Rainbow Dash thought, "Let's see, we've done mine, Sunset's, Twilight's, Pinkie's, Rarity's -" Pinkie cried, "Time for Spike's!" "That is rather fitting," said Rarity. "Now, what about Fluttershy's?" "Okay!" "Oh, that's a lovely song," said Fluttershy. "Only Applejack's is left," said Rainbow Dash. Applejack chuckled, "Let's see what Pinkie selected for me." Pinkie hit play: As the notes finished, a hush fell over the RV with all eyes falling on Applejack. "Wow, her face is as red as an apple!" exclaimed Pinkie. "Do you suppose it's anger?" asked a nervous Fluttershy. "Or embarrassment?" opined Rarity. "Probably both," mused Sunset. TV STATIC Author's Note I did have a bit of trouble with Fluttershy, but I think it works. Dreadnought
Series Premiere (2021 Version)Nightmare Moon taunted, "You still don't have the sixth Element! The spark didn't work!" Surrounded by her new friends, Twilight Sparkle stared down Nightmare Moon. "But it did! A different kind of spark. I felt it the very moment I realized how happy I was to hear you, to see you, how much I cared about you. The spark ignited inside me when I realized that you all... are my friends! You see, Nightmare Moon, when those Elements are ignited by the... the spark, that resides in the heart of us all, it creates the sixth element: the element of... magic!" Nightmare Moon's eyes went wide. Suddenly she began bouncing around, crying "Bing Bong! Bing Bong!" joined by Rarity and Twilight. The other ponies stood in utter confusion. Applejack asked, "Does anypony know what the hay is going on?" Princess Celestia walked into the room and saw the dark alicorn prancing around with the two unicorns, all shouting nonsense. "What is going on here?" she asked. "We're not exactly sure, Princess Celestia," admitted Rainbow Dash. "Yeah," agreed Pinkie Pie. "We were about to defeat Nightmare Moon after Twilight discovered she was the Element of Magic." Princess Celestia's left eye twitched. "Bing Bong! Bing Bong!" she barked. Rainbow Dash sighed, "Anypony got a deck of cards?" TV STATIC Author's Note Just watched A New Generation for the first time. I'll post a blog with my thoughts after Everfree Northwest this weekend. Dreadnought
Thanksgiving 2022Surrounded by her friends, Sunset Shimmer smiled. "On this Thanksgiving, I'm thankful that I get to spend it with my best friends." "Me too," said Twilight. "And football!" cheered Applejack. "Yeah, the World Cup is on!" added Rainbow Dash. Applejack scowled, "I meant the real football. You know, Giants - Cowboys." "Soccer is the real football. You use your feet. When do you use your feet in American football?" "Kickoffs, punts and field goals," retorted Applejack. Rainbow Dash rolled her eyes. "Pah-leeze. Those are only a handful of plays. Soccer is the real football!" "No it ain't!" "Yeah it is! It's much more athletic than American football." "Football is more physical." "Yeah, they just bang into each other." "Them football players are tough. I see those soccer players fallin' on the ground and cowering in pain aft'a barely bein' touched." "It's called flopping, and it's an acceptable tactic...." Watching the argument, Rarity sighed, "Why is it that every Thanksgiving involves an argument?" Handing out slices of pumpkin pie, Pinkie Pie explained, "It's our holiday tradition!" TV STATIC Author's Note Funny enough, I've had something similar to the above conversation with my coworker, who's a huge soccer (football?) fan. Since I've last posted, I've spent 7 weeks in military training. And working at my normal job. And preparing for my PT test. And a whole bunch of other things. *Sigh* Hopefully I'll be able to do more writing soon. Anyways, Happy Thanksgiving! Dreadnought
Professional HelpThe unicorn mare adjusted her glasses as she levitated the papers in front of her. She frowned as she scanned the documents, occasionally scribbling some notes on the pad sitting on the table next to her. At last there was a knock on the door. "Come on," she returned. The door opened and an earth pony stallion poked his head in. "Doctor, your afternoon appointment is here." "Send them in," she said. A few moments later orderlies wheeled in the patients. All three were secured with straight jackets. The doctor had been used to seeing the thousand-yard stare with those suffering from PTSD, but never did she expect to see fillies exhibiting it. Three mares followed, taking up positions behind the fillies, with one being an orange earth pony, one a white unicorn, and one a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. The doctor examined the assembled ponies in front of her. "Perhaps we should start at the beginning." The three mares shuffled uneasily. "Well, you see..." began the white unicorn. The blue pegasus rubbed the back of her head. "It kinda like this...." The orange earth pony continued, "And - well - uh - " "Please!" pleaded the doctor. "If I'm to treat these fillies, I need to know what happened." The orange earth pony removed her Stetson. "We were invited as guests of honor to BABSCon. It seems that last night, these three curious fillies decided to sneak into the After Dark Vendors Hall -" At those words the fillies came alive. The unicorn began whimpering, the orange pegasus began shaking violently and the earth pony with a red bow cried "The horror! The horror!" TV STATIC Author's Note I made that mistake once before. Never again.
Thanksgiving 20230430 EST Washington, DC Seven figures slipped between the shadows. Quickly they darted across the street, huddling under a burnt-out streetlamp. A car approached. The seven figures dove behind a bush. The car passed by. The seven figures emerged again. “So, are we ready to do this, y’all?” “According to my calculations, we’ve got a ten-minute window to get in and get out.” “On it!” The girl held up a gun, and a moment later a grappling hook shot over the wall. Quickly she began scurrying up. “Pinkie, darling! This is not the plan.” “She’s going all Leeroy Jenkins on us. So not cool.” “Rarity, can you create a shield to raise us over this wall?” “Of course, Sunset.” A diamond-shaped shield appeared and the six remaining figures floated over the wall. “Where is it?” “Fluttershy! I found it! This calls for a party!” The seven huddled around the cage. “Applejack, according to my analysis, you should be able to break the steel.” “Ah’ll give it a try.” Wrenching steel filled the air. “Well, Fluttershy, do we have mission success?” Gobble-gobble. Gobble-gobble. “Ooh, aren’t you just the most precious birds. We’re here to save you from becoming Thanksgiving dinner.” 0900 EST Two men stared at the cage with a big hole. “That’s great! That’s just great! The turkeys are gone. Now what’s President Biden supposed to pardon? It’s tradition that the President of the United States issues a Thanksgiving pardon!” The other man scratched his head. “Well... maybe he can pardon Trump?” TV STATIC Author's Note Happy Thanksgiving everyone! I hope you all have a great holiday. BTW, it's not too late to sign up for the great Jinglemas secret-Santa story swap. Dreadnought
