"I can't do it anymore. You just care about yourself."

Rainbow Dash stretched and slid out of bed. Her body ached, her head ached. She stumbled a bit as her hooves found her cloud floor and she crawled her way to the bathroom. She wondered what day it was for a second and then realized that it didn't matter. Nothing mattered outside of the days before her depressive haze.

Today didn't matter. Nothing mattered. She climbed into the shower and washed herself off, making sure that nobody realized how much she would rather drown in the shower, water slowly rushing over her body and making her wet. She'd use this time to masturbate, but she didn't have an hour or two. She sighed, grabbed some hair products Rarity gave her on a fashion whim and got on with her day.

"No I don't, I listened to you. I took care of you. I took time out of my day whenever you asked."

Rainbow sat and slowly ate her cereal. It tasted like stale disappointment, the crunch of the oat bran slowly turning to mush in her mouth. It gave her some feeling outside of the hole in her heart. Something existed. It existed, it had its use, it went away. Everything goes away. Nobody cares that she was the Element of Loyalty. How was she the unfaithful one?

"No you didn't. You just talked about your problems. I told you how to fix them and you didn't. I told you I was having mental issues and you laughed at me."

The day was uneventful. Scootaloo wanted to learn how to fly, so Rainbow Dash took time out of her day and mentored her. She almost smiled at the young filly's excitement almost made her feel something. Twilight asked her if she was okay. She said yes. She kicked some clouds. She slept. Rainbow thought about pranking Applejack and decided against it.

"I thought you were the Element of Laughter. You laugh at everything."

Rainbow saw the Cakes. They looked like they were doing okay. She didn't talk to them. It just didn't feel right. There was no good way to speak to them, they weren't laughing. The town wasn't laughing much these days.

"I don't make jokes about that."

Work happened. Things moved on. Day turned to night and day again. Things repeated over and over. Like they had for the last four months. Friends talked to her saying how sad it was to not have Dash around. Dash couldn't say it hurt too much to be near her friends. She smiled on the outside finding things to say so they didn't worry about her.

"Dash have you seen Pinkie? She didn't come to her birthday party."

Rainbow sat on the edge of her bed tracing the lines on her legs. They gave her some kind of feeling. The faint lines now looked like a spiderweb pattern slightly criss-crossing her fur, they cut deep enough to give her feeling. They didn't cut deep enough to end it. It was something that she had to deal with.

"They found her letter, Dash. What the fuck were you doing?"

She looked in her fridge. Living off a diet of junk food and alcohol wasn't a problem. She quit the Wonderbolts. Nothing mattered anymore, why should she eat healthy? She didn't deserve to be happy after what she did. She looked at the empty bottles littering her room and started crying. It didn't stop her from opening another though, it's bitter taste mixed with her blurry vision and she though it was just right for her.

"I only joked once. I didn't mean to. Don't look at me like that. You weren't there. It wasn't my fault."

She stared at the stone tablet that made her always snap back into reality. Here lies Pinkie Pie, it said. A party pony until the end and friend to everyone. The town got it for her. Hard to not chip in a few bits when Pinkie had been the heart of the town- every party, every laugh, every sunny day. Pinkie was there being Pinkie.

"Well she blamed you."

Rainbow laid her head on the stone and sat looking at the passing clouds, hoping that there was something out there that might make her repetitiveone world make some kind of sense. She looked down at her hooves and noticed that she had brought a few bottles of alcohol. She didn't remember doing that. She didn't remember walking out here. What day was it? She looked at the twining ivy that crept up the side of the headstone. That was new. What year was it?

She got up and wobbled her way home. Walking into her home, she glanced at a mirror. A pony she did not recognize stared back at her. Red, bloodshot eyes and frown lines prematurely aged her and her lifestyle of drinking herself into a stupor every day caught up with her. Her stocky frame now hiding the heart of a washed up racer.

"Rainbow, I want the pony I grew to look up to. Not someone who I last found ranting at trees about Pinkie. Where's the Wonderbolt I looked up to?"

"Leave me alone, Scoots. It's been a while since I cared about that."

Rainbow started laughing. It just was so funny to see how far she fell. Pinkie always knew a good joke when she saw it and if she was there looking at the new and decidedly worse Rainbow- she might have laughed. Maybe.

"We haven't seen you in years, Dash, are you okay. . ."

She walked slowly into the bedroom, her joints creaking with disuse and ache. Another mirror looked back at her. She smiled. Maybe she could fix it. Maybe it was just a dream. She blinked.

It wasn't a dream.

Slumping to the floor, she glanced at a nearby knife that she seemed to know well. She was fine. She was completely fine.

"I'm fine, Twilight. Just had a bad time dealing with Pinkie's death. No biggie. Things got better. You'll see."

Rainbow smiled as she closed her eyes. She could swear she could her Pinkie's laughter as she went to sleep.

Author's Note

Something different to get back into the groove.