Pinkie Pie Eats Lots of Sugar
One Day, Pinkie Pie ate almost two pounds of sugary candy. Just like how some ponies like that one hippy pony I can't think of the name of oh Tree Hugger liked to try recreational drugs to see what the experience was like, so Pinkie liked to try recreational eating to see what the experience was like. So she had twenty nine lolipops and fourty seven boxes of nerds and two hundred individual sweet tarts and also a bunch of Skittles like I don't even know how many but probably over 9000* so yeah fortunately all her years of eating tons of food gave her a very expandable stomach or she would have gotten a wicked stomach ache. She didn't though, because she'd Pinkie and she's fucking awesome. All that sugar coursing through her veins did give her a wicked sugar high though. What follows is a propably inaccurate account of the events that day.
Pinkie Discovers a new Subcontinent
"OKAY GUYS! I'm going to go boating. Bye see you later alligator and also ponies!" Pinkie Pie literally flew out of Ponyville towards Fillydelphia while listening to a Hardstyle remix of Fillydelphia Freedom by Elton Bon. She raced over to the docks and stole a boat. She didn't normally steal things, but when your on drugs, even just a fucking lot of sugar, you aren't yourself. Don't do drugs, kids, yeah? So she stole a 23 footer, (imagine a creature with 23 feet! That'd be something!) and used her tail as a propeller, standing at the back of the boat like a motorboat engine. Didn't they do something similar in Ed Edd, 'n Eddy? Like with Eddy's lips or something? Anyway her tail was revolving at atleast 9000 revolutions per minute, propelling the boat at 168 knots, which is pretty hella fast. Just trust me. Soon she was out on the open ocean, which she drank to replentish her water and electrolytes, since she was thirsty and sweating a lot. Don't worry she's Pinkie, she can drink salt water. She just prettended it was taffy. Also she caught a whale shark and ate it which was kind of tragic since they're a little endangered since the Equestrians hunt them for oil. What degenerate hypocrites, amirite? Anyway after 17 hours, Pinkie Pie discovered a really cool archipolago with a horse pun name, like the Hayman Islands or something like that, and she was so freaking crazy that all the natives thought she was a God and started worshiping her. When you're on drugs, even sugar, you often aren't quite yourself, and Pinkie's ego was pretty swollen by this point so she welcomed the attention and with her knowledge of baking and just general modern technology, she helped the native ponies build up a cutthroat maritime empire all in about three weeks, and then they sailed back to Equestria with about tree fiddy ships and 30,000 ponies, intending to conquer the mainland.
Author's Note
Pinkie and her pirate marched inward in a fifty-mile-wide path of destruction. While she had been in the Hayman Isles, Pinkie had invented the internet and Wikipedia and had read up on Sherman's March to the Sea during the American Civil war, and wanted to do something similar. She and her ponies destroyed a bunch of towns like froggy bottom bay and sleepy hollows and I can't remember what other towns are on the eastern side of the Equestrian Map but they weren't there after the army of the Haymans was through. Then she stopped in Ponyville to capture and gangpress her friends into service and then eat all of the sweets at Sugar Cube Corner so she would have more sugar and then she and her armor marched on Canterlot.
Author's Note
Celestia was fucking terrorified by now and didn't want her little ponies to suffer anymore and so Pinkie and her Army conquered Equestria and ransacked Canterlot and there was a lot of raping and pillaging yikes this ended really darkly. What is this Fall of Equestria or something?
So yeah, don't give Pinkie too much Sugar.
Author's Note
Pinkie Pie and her Navy Bombard Manehattan
Pinkie Pie while on the island had continued to consume massive amounts of sugar from the sugar cane they grew there, and she continued to consume it while they sailed back towards the Equestrian Sea Board. While they sailed, Pinkie taught her armada how to use the thousands of party cannons she had personally forged out of metals they had acquired from their vast trading empire. By the time they arrived in Equestrian waters five days later, her ponies were a fierce well-trained fighting machine. She issued an ultimatum: Equestria surrender unconditionally, or she would make it rain, and she wasn't talking about bills and strippers. Celestia of course laughed it off, and her friend begged her to reconsider, but Pinkie would not listen. She ordered her ship-of-the-line (where the term "battleship" comes from, from the longer phrase "ship of the battle line") to line up outside Manehattan and lifted up the flags that spelled out the famous message: "Gummy Expects that every pony do their duty". Then she ordered them to fire, and a fierce broadside rang out from thousands of guns on hundreds of ships. Fire seemed to rain from the sky, as the Equestrian navy and Manehattan skyscrapers fell in crumbling shattered infernos. It looked like a scene from Hades as the once proud metropolis was pounded into submission. It was really bad, and a lot of ponies died. The Wonderbolts and other pegasi tried to attack from the skies, but while on the Island Pinkie had also invented radar and proximity fuses and auto-targeting anti-aircraft guns, and the ponies and zeppelins were chewed up like a tiger chews up a pony. Ugh, nasty. A third of the ships then sailed down the chesafreak bay into the HUBson (get it it's a pun on the old Hasbro television channel, RIP) river and started raining terror further inland, while the rest of the fleet set off south down the coast to cripple Equestria's merchant marine and ability to trade and a lot of other stuff. It's like what Hitler had wished had happened eventually in the battle of Britain, but fortunately that never came to pass because fuck Nazis.
Then once Pinkie and her navy had demolished the coast, they disembarked and...
