Irony's Tale

I open my eyes, plush carpeting greets them. I’m still in the office? What the hell? I lever myself to my full height, my hand drawing my mace. I shake my head once, twice, to clear it. I look around, everypony else is stirring as well. Except for one. Oh no.

“Soarin!” Mindy screams as she teleports over to the prone pegasus stallion. I take a step forward as she cradles his body and Dust moves up herself. I look up, Corddis has changed his form, Discord now stands before us in all his mismatched parts glory. He smirks at us as we recover from his antics. Though why isn’t he finishing us off? Perhaps our fight in the dream realm has taken a lot out of him as well?

Dust makes it to her hooves and screams at him, magic crackling along her wings, but before she can let loose, Mindy’s voice overwhelms everything. “You asshole! I love him, and you had to kill him!” Her horn glows with dark magic and her eyes glow green as she lets loose…something. The blob of magic streaks across the room and impacts on the draconequus. It acts like acid, eating away at his flesh, he screams as he tries to pry it off, but it’s quite tenacious. After several seconds he’s able to pry it off, the blob lands on the floor and starts to sizzle where it landed. With a growl, Discord smashes a small hole in the safety glass in his office and slithers through. Dust glances at me and moves with unearthly speed to smash the hole bigger. I stride forward, looking through the hole, Dust is after the draconequus, flashing lightning bolts in his path. I glance back at Mindy and Moon Shadow, Moon is comforting the party unicorn in her grief. She gestures at me to go, and I kick out the rest of the window and leap. It’s only four stories. I windmill my arms as I fall and slam into the ground, going down to a crouch to absorb the energy of the landing.

I slowly stand up to my full height. “DISCORD!” I scream as I race off after the Draconequus. The pop of teleportation tells me that the two unicorns are right behind me.

***

“You know, I’ve got a place, out in the country. I’ve told you all this.” The pegasus pleads with the other ponies. A half dozen ponies have made the small apartment their sanctuary. He glances at the TV, they’ve got it set on one news network or another, one of the younger foals is keeping an eye on it, for any mention of the ponies.

The owner of this apartment, one Sassaflash Cloud, growls softly. “We’ve got a home here, we can’t give it up.”

The dark pegasus cocks his head to the side. “I know you have a home here, but none of you has an income, can you continue paying the rent?”

“We have savings, we’ve all pooled our resources together. Once we get the food plan sorted out, we’ll be fine for a year or so. We should be able to find the portal home by then.”

He stomps a hoof, “You are in danger of discovery all the time here. There are too many humans here. All it will take is one looking up while you are flying and then somehuman will track you here. If they are bronies, that will be okay. But what if they work for the government? What if they work for some laboratory where you would end up on a dissection table?”

Sassaflash hugs herself briefly. “I’ll make sure to fly too high for them to make out more than a winged shape. I may not be a speedster, but I can fly as fast as the cars on the highway. That’s good? Right? Harts?”

Harts shakes his head, putting a hoof up to comfort his budding headache. These ponies don’t want to go anywhere.”

“Hey!” Comes a young voice. “Everypony, you’ve got to see this! Discord is on TV.”

Sassaflash turns. “I told you to keep it on the news station, not flipping over to the cartoons.” Her voice trails off as she takes in what is on the screen. “Oh sweet Celestia.”

Some news crew that was doing a live feed is following Discord as he runs across the street, lightning flashes down and causes him to turn. Then the camera zooms in behind him, two unicorns are chasing him, along with…”

“Irony.” Harts breathes. “You made it here too.” He turns, “How far away is that?”

One of the earth ponies trots up, squinting a bit as she inspects the fight ongoing on the screen, “The way they are heading, that will lead them to the Washington Monument, it’s only five blocks away!”

Harts leaps towards the front door. “Let’s go!” He skids to a stop, not a single other pony has moved. Indecision plain on all their faces. He slams a hoof on the floor with a loud crack. “That is Discord. He’s the one who brought us here. We need to help!”

“Why?” Sassaflash says sadly. “He overwhelmed the guards back in Equestria, he sent them here, he sent all these ponies here, even Princess Luna is here. I remember her in the dream.” She withdraws a bit, her wings hugging herself. “What can we do?”

“What can you do?!?!” Harts roars. “Look at them! They aren’t thinking about how badly Discord defeated them before. But they can’t win, not without our help.” His voice gets even louder, a pegasus weather leader in the heart of a storm. “We need to help, because they are ponies, because we are ponies. Ponies help ponies, and you all know that.”

He looks around at all the pinned back ears and shifting tails. He slowly moves over to Sassaflash and puts his hooves around her in a tight hug. “Listen, they might know more. Maybe they know how to get you all home. Either way, we need to help them, and I’m going. Even if you don’t join me.” He turns back, slowly walking to the door. “Who’s with me?” He asks softly.

After a few moments, six ponies are galloping down the stairs with two pegasi heading up to leap from the roof.

As the ponies stream past astonished humans, the magical fight has tingles running through Hart’s wings. They are getting close. He glances over, other ponies that he had no clue were around here are at a full gallop, heading into the danger. He thinks he recognizes another lunar guard among them, this one a thestral. He grins and joins a few pegasi streaking towards the fight. “Here we come.” He growls as he joins the ponies in dive bombing the draconequus.

Harts hoots in glee as he plants a hoof in Discord’s face. He knows he can feel bones breaking under the onslaught. His wings stutter a bit as he avoids an incoming blast as the Draconequus rehinges his jaw with his lion’s paw. He flashes past a turquois pegasus, he knows her. She’s throwing lightning bolts with her wings at a furious pace. More unicorns are on the ground, throwing whatever magic they’ve been able to figure out in the month since many of them changed back at him as well. Lightning bolts, fire blasts, strong wind gusts, even ice magic all assault the lord of Chaos.

“Enough!” He screams as a bright ball of expanding light energy blasts from him in all directions, knocking nearly every pegasus out of the air and every pony and human is pushed back. Harts shakes his head, that was a bad landing. Everything hurts. He clamps a wing to his side, he can feel blood dripping from the appendage and the pain tells him half his feathers on that side have been ripped away. No flying for a bit now. Ugh, that hurt. He looks back at Discord, who is laying around him furiously with magic of his own. Irony takes a blast on her shield, deflecting it straight up. Some of the unicorns have recovered enough to use their own magic, they are deflecting his magic as best as they can. Though humans and ponies alike are getting struck, most crumpling down in pain.

Then Harts gets a really good look at everything. Humans and ponies have linked their arms to forelegs, voices rising to the sky in joy. Beautiful singing. He can’t really make out the words, but by the feel, the words don’t matter, the magic does. He heaves himself to his hooves and watches as a wind rises up. Discord starts to scream as a familiar magic starts to swirl around him. “The Elements.” He breathes.

The rainbow magic encircles Discord, getting a pained scream from him. His howls, though, are drowned out by the humans and the ponies singing. Shortly the rainbow magic of the elements is replaced by a bright white magic. By the tingle of that magic in his wings, this is from here, from Earth. The combined magic is growing around him. He howls as the white magic engulfs him. Stone starts to form, starting with his legs, he moves frantically as he rapidly becomes a statue.

The singing and the magic slowly abates, leaving an ensconced Discord. Harts looks around, dozens of smartphones are recording this. He grins, let them try and keep the ponies a secret now. A magenta unicorn walks from the statue, talking to some of the humans with their phones, and gesturing to her phone encased in magic. Harts steps towards the ponies in the middle, he knew of Irony, though he’d only seen her in Equestria in passing. She spent most of her time in Ponyville with Twilight, and later Princess Twilight. He had worked in Canterlot in the night guard. Princess Twilight’s times where she had met with Princess Luna was the only times that the guards mixed, and though he had known of her ability to change to walk on two hooves. He’d never seen her in that form in pony. Though on four legs, she was always an intimidating presence.

“Harts. All the humans.” Sassaflash comes up, nursing what looks like a broken leg.

Harts nuzzles her softly. “I know, but this will be temporary, they are caught up in the magic.” He glances around, we need to get to my home.”

Her ears flatten, “Can we try to get to Iowa? One of the other ponies mentioned that. They heard of the portal, like in Equestria Girls.”

Harts cocks his head to the side. “Yeah, if you can get there, go ahead. My home is always available to you. Just so you know.”

“I know.” She reaches forward and hugs him. “Thank you. What are you going to do?”

Harts chuckles, “I want to go back home as badly as you do. But as you can see, a lot of ponies transformed. I need to find them, get them ready. If it is the same portal as in Equestria Girls, that will be every thirty moons. I’ll see what comes up. I don’t think I’ll be the only one staying.”

Harts turns back, looking around for Irony and the turquois pegasus. He’s pretty certain with that blonde mane it’s Lightning Dust. A quick look doesn’t show them, then he takes to the air, keeping his eyes peeled. There they are, they are having some kind of conversation by a classic muscle car. He glides forward as that magenta unicorn hops among them, gesticulating wildly. Before he has a chance to dart forward, they are loading up into the car. The engine roars as they take off. He lands in their parking space, “Best of luck, guards.”

***

Pennsylvania Avenue isn’t very far from where we fought Discord. It’s only a few minutes before I’m parking once again. Security rules don’t allow us to park all that close to the White House, but Dust and Mindy pile out of the car quickly. I look at Moon, she shrugs as she follows the other two. As I close the door to my beloved baby, I relax and end up on four hooves. We don’t need our armor or wingblades right now, this is a far different fight, but one nearly as important. I break into a trot to catch up with the others, and quickly I’m next to Dust, who is arguing with a secret service agent. After way too much time, one of the President’s staffers has come out, letting her know that it’s way too late at night to deal with this. Finally, Mindy pulls us away from the fence around the White House, and she teleports us inside the building. As Dust bursts into the Oval Office, a half dozen secret service agents draw their weapons.

“It’s okay.” The President calls out loudly, “While this is very unusual, Miss Dust and her family here are here for a reason.” As the Secret Service agents relax a bit, they don’t all reholster their weapons immediately. “Miss Dust, I believe I gave you a phone number to bypass the normal red tape to talk to me.”

Dust nods, “This is too important.” She glances around at the assembled staff. The looks on their faces range from friendly, to curious, to outright hostile. I glance at the man in the Admiral’s uniform, my gut pinging away at a look from him.

After he reviews the footage that Dust had brought him and given him a flash drive with the raw data for his own experts. Likely the FBI’s experts, to verify. The President finally relaxes a bit. “I know you all need to get going. From our information at a team at the gate, the fight went well on the Equestrian side.” He chuckles, “Though an F-22 got banged up in the process of protecting the gate to make sure nothing came through from Equestria if your friends failed.”

“Corddis did mention a stealth aircraft. I don’t know, but I think he had those loyal to him in the military. And maybe in other parts of the government.”

The president sighs. “This has been a contentious election, nearly as bad as when I won in sixteen. Don’t you worry. We made agreements back when I visited your farm, and you promised to take very good care of my daughter. I stick to my agreements. And we are starting work, quietly mind you, to get you ponies recognized as having the same rights as any human.”

Dust smiles softly. “That would be helpful if we weren’t thought of as simple animals.” She sniffles a little bit.

The President perks up, moving closer. “Something more happen?”

Dust swipes a forehoof over her eyes, “It will be okay, the price for this victory was paid.” She sniffles.

His eyes widen. “You have my deepest condolences, Lightning Dust.”

She sniffles, “Thank you.” She shakes her head, “We need to go.” She turns to me, I can see how red her eyes are. I nuzzle her quickly before we are swiftly escorted from the building and off the grounds. Finally, I shift to open my door as Moon opens the other ones. It looks like everypony is on the verge of tears, the adrenaline and stress of the situation is done, now for the part that is the worst for many. The tears. I sniffle a bit myself as I turn the key in the ignition. I must keep myself together. I glance at Moon and she nods, her horn lighting. I nod back as I mash the gas pedal to the floor. I leave a long trail of rubber as we blow by a police cruiser. I smile a bit as the cop doesn’t even twitch.

***

Nine hours, three fellow mares crying their eyes out, and eight hundred ninety miles. But we pull into the Dubuque Iowa without any serious incident. My own cheeks are wet, I haven’t been able to keep all the emotions in check, but I held myself together well enough. Mindy’s GPS is guiding us through the town. Pretty soon we are stopped by a sea of parked cars. Ponies from all over made it to the gate, apparently. I power down the car and relax onto four hooves as I hip the door closed. I stumble a bit, I am beyond exhausted right now. But it’s not time to fall over, the portal is open. Moon Shadow stops next to me. “Love, I can feel the portal. Can you?”

I nod. We are feeling Equestria, the call of our home. I glance at Dust, who is supporting Mindy a bit, the unicorn had finally fallen asleep, curled up with Dust for a few hours. Her hair is flat and I can feel the despair from her. She’s had to keep pretty tight control of herself as well with all of this, thinking of all of us before herself, getting the footage, editing things together on the fly as we were driving. I shake my head as we thread our way through the sea of parked cars. Finally we are on the grounds of the former school. A glance shows ponies walking into the small outbuilding on the grounds. That gets a gasp from Moon Shadow.

I look over at her. “Something wrong?”

She shakes her head, “I saw this place in the dream. But I was never able to pinpoint what it was, or exactly where it was.” She growls. “If I had been able to remember more…”

She’s stopped by me hugging her. “Love. Don’t dwell on the past. You seriously tried to find this place. It has been found. Discord is defeated and Equestria belongs to us once again.” She hugs me back and then we both collide with something I look forward. “Dust, what the hell?”

The pegasus is standing there. Two large trucks are parked on the former football field. And it looks like military tents have been erected as well. A small pool of light shows ponies and humans around some equipment. I know a couple of them. “Dust, the President is on our side. They are on our side. I have to go through the portal, but there are those here who you can talk to.”

She turns back and wraps her hooves around me. “Stay here.” She says firmly. “Anything you need to say to Princess Twilight can wait thirty months. We all need you here.” She stops, sniffling a bit. Then she whispers, and my ears can barely pick out. “I need you here too.”

I reach up a hoof, lifting her chin, “You know I have to. But I will be back. And we will have an idea what happened on the other side.” I lean forward and am greeted by an enthusiastic kiss. She wraps her forelegs and wings around me as she nearly pushes me over. I kiss back as savagely, relishing her passion that’s condensed by the events of the last few days. She’s putting her entire soul into this, and I can’t do anything but respond in kind. Another pair of forelegs take hold, and then a fourth. I reach a hoof and bring Moon and Mindy into the embrace, as does Dust.

“Irony!” Comes a familiar voice. I flinch and break away from Dust. She leans her head and neck on my neck as I turn and look at the human jogging over to us with some other very familiar ponies. “Irony, you made it back!”

I nod as we are brought into an even bigger hug with Trixie and Flash, “Wow did you make it here? We left you at the farm.”

He shrugs, “I got a ride with some of the ponies heading here. None of them could drive, so I’ve actually made a couple of trips in a van, packing it with ponies each time. Trixie and Flash have been here, helping the military set up.” He points, “They’ve got com gear, and they’ve been talking with the local authorities. The police are instructed to allow ponies through to the gate without delay.”

Ray looks around, then he looks at Dust. “What happened, Lighting Dust?”

Her face crumples. “Soarin.” She’s barely able to sob. Ray leans over and gathers the pegasus into his arms, then reaches an arm for Mindy. He sits there for a long time, holding them tightly as both of them lose their control.

I stand up, “I must go to Equestria, I must talk with Twilight Sparkle, and if necessary, beg her permission to come back here and help with the displaced Equestrians.” I look at the others. “What about you all? Dust? Moon? Trixie? Flash?”

Dust’s reaction is a bit of a surprise. “If I come back, will I be human.”

I look at Moon as my ears fall. “I think so.”

She takes a step towards the shed. Then another. Then she stops, steeling herself. “I want to go home.” She heaves a big sigh, tears bright in her eyes. “But for now, this is home. Going through the portal would be a one-way trip for me.”

I chuckle. “Ya know, I’ll likely be human when I get back.”

Dust is able to smirk at me. “You’ll always be welcome on my Team.” Though by her tone, I’m pretty sure she means more than just on her team.

We say our goodbyes fairly quickly, before Ray decides he wants to join me in Equestria. I look at him for a long minute, then I nod, his medical training would be helpful in the chaos after a huge battle.

Dust leans towards me, “If you aren’t back by half an hour before the portal closes, I swear to Celestia that I’m coming in after you, and damn the consequences.”

I nod and kiss her cheek. “Okay, love.” I kiss Moon the exact same way. And then I ruffle Mindy’s mane. “It is going to be okay.” I stay on four hooves as we walk towards the little outbuilding that the statue had apparently been moved to. Ducking through the door I stop before the big slab of marble. I glance up at the rearing horse statue, very much how they animated it in Equestria Girls. The artisan was quite talented right there. I look over at the human. “You know you are going to have to learn to walk on four legs, right?”

He nods. I close my eyes and step forward.

*WUM*

***

Lighting Dust hears the sound of the portal, just over thirty hours for Irony to find Twilight Sparkle, find out what the hell is going on, and then let the alicorn know that she’ll be coming back. She will be coming back. Dust hugs herself with her wings. She can’t lose Soarin, and Irony, in such a short time. She flinches as she’s nuzzled, then she looks over at Moon Shadow. She blushes and nuzzles the other mare back. “Sorry, was thinking.”

“I know you were, you were overthinking things. Have faith, Irony will be back, we will not lose her.” Another *WUM* comes from the shack, and a young woman totters out, oblivious to her nudity. She makes an ungainly gallop on two legs as she hustles to what looks like a standard US Army mess tent. She giggles. “Come on, they have to have coffee, we’ve been awake for way too long.”

Dust shrugs her off. “I got a nap curled up with Mindy.” She glances at the unicorn, who is snuggling with Trixie, both of them with tears bright in their eyes.

Moon moves directly in front of Dust. “Listen here, young mare. You are tired, stressed out, and if you stay here, you are going to obsess for every second until Irony and Ray come back. We need to go get Mindy, Flash, and Trixie, get some food and coffee into them. It’s time to recover. I’ve put a stasis spell on Soarin’s body. He will be fine until we get back to Montana. We need this, Dust. You need this. Please?”

Dust chews her bottom lip for a moment, glancing back to where the car is parked, then at Trixie, Mindy and Flash, then back at Moon Shadow. Finally, she nods.

“That’s a girl.” She says softly as he leads the pegasus towards the inviting smell of coffee.