What You Want, What You Need
There's always that feeling, that painful anticipation when you're waiting for that ding from your phone. When you're waiting for someone to text you, and each second feels like hours, each minute like months and each hour like years. So what do people do to try and stave off that feeling, to distract themselves from having to think about that response that may not come? Some play video games, some turn to sports or reading, some choose even to direct all their attention to work. Fluttershy, on the other hand? She always made the unconscious decision to worry about it.
It had been years since the initial Equestria High incident. Things were far better than they had ever been, at least in general. Sure there'd been other incidents, like the Dazzlings or the Friendship Games or that whole incident in the forest. Each had been a bonding experience though, not to mention a lesson for Sunset. They had all learned from those experiences, but Sunset probably the most. Without those experiences neither girl would have become who they were in the present. They'd remained friends all throughout high school, and they were lucky enough to end up attending the same university! Their first year had honestly seemed to breeze by and they were getting ready to return for their second semester.
Twilight was there to study science, though she didn't seem to specialize. She was studying all aspects of it, not to mention the several literature and English classes she was taking. She had her hands full most of the time but always tried to make time for her friends. They tried to get together, all seven of them, at least once a week. Rainbow Dash had gotten a full scholarship thanks to her athletic ability. She was already being scouted by several teams, and though academics were not her strong suit she did her best. She definitely enjoyed the party aspect of University, and was known for being quite rowdy. The other ladies of the school loved it, at least those who were interested in other women as Rainbow Dash was. Rarity and Applejack were, surprisingly, sharing many classes together. Each was seeking to earn a business degree though Rarity also took fashion courses whereas Applejack took environmental science. She hoped she would learn new ways to care for the farm and the land it rested on. Pinkie had opted to go for the culinary arts and seemed to have grand ideas of party planning. All kinds of parties, birthday, weddings... She loved making people happy, so if she could make a career of it, well... There would be no stopping her.
Sunset had spent a lot of time trying to figure out what she wanted to do in the girls' senior year. She wanted to do something where she could help people and possibly repent for her sins. She'd considered teacher for a long time, but in the end had settled on wanting to be a social worker. She was going to try and help at-risk and disabled youths try and find their path, all while spouting the gospel of friendship, so to speak. After all, if friendship could turn her, a formerly evil pony bent on ruling Equestria, into who she was then one couldn't underestimate it's power. Sunset was still a little... Rough around the edges, but she was trying.
The final, shyest, member of the group had not surprised anyone with what she had gone to university for. She wanted to be a veterinarian. There had been no struggle in deciding, her infinite love of animals had made it all too easy to decide what she wanted to do. She struggled a little and the financial aspect wasn't great. She was also one of the few girls who had not managed to score on-campus living and stayed at home with her father. He didn't exactly approve of her choices involving her future career, alas, nothing could be done about that. She worked as hard as the others, if not more and spent as much time at school as she could. It was rare for her to head home, and she often opted to crash with the other girls whenever the opportunity presented itself.
Fluttershy squeaked, taken out of her thoughts regarding how far all of her friends had come. The dinging from her phone had startled her and the poor pinkette had jumped, releasing her phone and sent it hurtling into the air. She barely caught it and unlocked it in a frenzy, eager to see the answer. The smallest of smiles tugged at her thin lips as she saw the answer. It seemed Sunset would be attending the pre-classes party. Fluttershy probably would have attended anyway, but having Sunset there was just an added bonus.
As she recalled thinking that Sunset was still rough around the edges, that smile converted into a frown. It seemed like a kind of mean thing to note, and that hadn't been her intention. As the pinkette caught sight of herself in the mirror, her head tilted in thought. She couldn't really count the stuff related to her, after all it wasn't Sunset's fault if she didn't know... Sunset had changed a lot since high school but she still had trouble with empathy sometimes. Guilt was sort of what she'd mastered, but taking hints wasn't her strong suit despite her enormous intelligence. Sometimes she didn't realize certain actions could hurt others. She'd gotten a sort of reputation in university. It wasn't so much that she was... Easy. She wasn't a slut, so to speak. She was careful with how she chose her partners, but actual relationships seemed off the table for her. No one was quite sure why but Sunset seemed more interested in one night stands and friends with benefits as opposed to full on boyfriends of girlfriends. It was a mystery, and one that Fluttershy had been unable to decipher despite numerous attempts. Her interest was entirely personal, she'd developed something of a crush on Sunset since her reform. It was ironic, that she held such strong, secret feelings for her former bully but... Watching how the former fiend tried to redeem herself, it inspired something in Fluttershy. She'd been dealt a bad hand, and instead of falling apart was trying relentlessly to redeem herself. That spoke to her character more than anything.
Unfortunately, Fluttershy's lack of courage had resulted in her never confessing this and watching as Sunset had tried relationships throughout high school, only to settle on her current mindset once they'd reached adulthood. After Sunset's rant on relationships the previous year, Fluttershy had locked her feelings in a teeny, tiny box and tried to deny them as much as she could. Yeah, it didn't work super well, but it held off that sinking feeling quite well at times. Mostly it was okay, and she loved spending time with Sunset regardless. There were just... Prickles, when she would speak of her latest hook up, or 'friend'. A brief moment of breathlessness when Fluttershy would see the object of her affection wander off, hand linked in some strangers. It was okay, though. Really. At least, that's what Fluttershy told herself. When it got too much she had... Alternative means of making herself forget. There was a whole other side to herself her friends had not, and would never, see. That was how it had to be. She sighed lightly, and finally stood. Their group chat was beginning to buzz incessantly, so she should probably begin getting ready.
**
The sun lazily drifted in through the castle windows and Fluttershy yawned. She was all-too aware of the familiar warmth nestled against her back and it brought a giddy smile to her muzzle. After all, it wasn't just anyone that got to date the princess of Friendship. Not anyone actually, just her, Fluttershy. Her princess was still sleeping and the butter mare took the opportunity to nuzzle her face into twilight's neck. The princess stirred until her tired eyes fluttered open, and she too was smiling. "Morning, you." Fluttershy muttered out softly. The response she got wasn't worse, but instead a hoof lifting a chin so that Twilight could press a soft kiss to her mouth. It had Fluttershy blushing, butterflies fluttering around angrily in her stomach, and her eyes fluttering shut in contrast to Twilight's just opened optics. It could have been hours for Fluttershy, but was in reality only a couple of moments. When the lovers pulled away Fluttershy giggled and Twilight chuckled lightly, muttering under her breath "Adorable..."
It was funny to think how much Fluttershy had changed, since they had met, the two. Twilight's first day in Ponyville, she had found Fluttershy unable to even mutter a single word to the ignorant, purple mare. Twilight had found her very... Strange, to say the least. The first time Fluttershy had impressed her had been when she had dealt with the dragon. It was that day that Twilight Sparkle had decided Fluttershy was secretly a force to be reckoned with. From that day on Fluttershy had continued to impress Twilight until the princess had fallen head over heels for her. In the grand scheme of things, they hadn't been together that long. Only a year, but the last year had been enough for Twilight to figure out that they probably belonged together.
Their relationship was often flawless, full of love and support. Twilight had always been patient with Fluttershy, and supportive. Never scolding her for her shyness, never growing upset when the butter mare found herself terrified and unable to crawl out of the house on any given day. On Fluttershy's end she accepted Twilight's love of reading, and magic and was never one to get in the way of that. She listened when Twilight needed and was always eager to show affection to her lovely marefriend. Twilight blinked a couple times, when she noticed a yellow hoof being waved in front of her face. Oops, she seemed to have zoned out.
"Sorry." she said quickly. "I was just thinking, about how much we've all changed since I moved here." she shook her head lightly. Evil beings, dark magic, saving kingdoms. They'd seen it all. Twilight had even been to other worlds, with copies of her and her friends in a... Different form. She'd been thinking of that world a lot lately, and she wanted to take Fluttershy there. She'd been working so hard and a vacation seemed like it might be in order, and there wouldn't be a better place to get away. Plus it would be a good chance to check up on Sunset. She'd spoken to Sunset less and less since she had finished her time in high school and went off to university. It had been months since she'd written anything to Twilight, actually, so she was a little concerned. It was kind of her responsibility to make sure everything was okay, after all.
Darn. She'd done it again. "Sorry." she repeated in an exasperated tone. She always let her mind wander like that, it probably gave some people the impression that she was rude; not at all her intention! "I was thinking..." Fluttershy smiled, and Twilight flushed slightly. Of course she was, she was always thinking. "Maybe we could use a vacation? I thought we could go to Ponyville High, you guys never really got to see it over there, right?" she asked, lazily making her way out of bed. The purple aura hummed around her horn lazily, and brushes and such dove through the air to fix Twilight's bed-head. Satisfied with her appearance she turned back to Fluttershy, and held back another yawn.
"Oh, yes. That sounds like it could be a lot of fun." she admitted, and though she wasn't lying there was a little apprehension. Twilight had told her all about that other world, on several occasions. The idea of meeting a different version of yourself was a tad intimidating. Wouldn't it be awkward if the two didn't get along? Or what if they were completely different. Fluttershy was a far more confident pony than she used to be. That wasn't to say she didn't have her moments, she still got nervous and shy but Twilight was always there to make her feel better.
She felt the princess nuzzling her, a legless hug of sorts and a soft giggle escaped Fluttershy's mouth. "Don't worry, it'll be fine." Twilight assured and gave that pink mane a soft kiss, stepping back after to admire her marefriend. She nodded, appreciatively, and pecked her once more before focusing. A suitcase, adorned with that purple aura, came into view from outside the room, pushing the door open. "I'll write Sunset and let her know we're coming." Twilight finished. She wouldn't need much. She'd brought some human clothes back from her last visit to show them off; Rarity had been particularly interested.
The two lovers smiled, though neither could see the other. After all, maybe sometimes, silence was all that was needed.
**
The party was far bigger than anticipated. Music blared at deafening volumes and only the faint sound of muted voices could be heard above it. Whatever was playing was something Fluttershy had not heard before, but then again it had been a long time since she'd branched out of the music she already knew and had given something else a shot. She'd arrived to the party at what seemed like the perfect time. Years of social anxiety had gotten her to nail it. It was all thought out, overthought actually, in her head. If she arrived too early, then she would be the focus of attention, or possibly the first arrival. There wouldn't be enough people to distract from her arrival and she'd quickly find herself uncomfortable. If she arrived too late, however, that would also be a problem. Granted it might not be a huge deal at a party like this, but... She also hadn't expected it to be so big. Under normal circumstances, arriving too late at a small gathering could draw just as much attention as arriving too early. She would be pelted with questions on why she was late, and whether or not she was okay. One could only say 'I'm fine' so many times until they weren't. That meant the ideal time to arrive was right in the middle, while everyone was distracted, which was just what she had done.
Fluttershy was a little disappointed that she hadn't caught sight of any of her friends yet but was sure they would be arriving shortly. Her little group was... They were her safety blanket, and amidst the scary crowd they kept her grounded, reminded her that everything was okay. That too had a delicate balance, as most things in Fluttershy's life did. She had to be careful to not seem too needy, otherwise it wouldn't be fun to go out with her anymore. Without her friends there though, her courage was faltering and she whimpered softly to herself. People kept bumping into her, and when she just couldn't take it anymore she cradled the wall, and walked along it towards the bathroom. Whose house was this anyway?
It was in the bathroom, which she promptly locked, that she began hyperventilating. With hands shaking she grabbed at her purse, and began to dig through it, until she found the small, rattling cylinder that contained her Zoloft. It was something given to her to help her anxiety. Sometimes she suspected that it was mostly psychosomatic, the way they helped but ti was better than having no help. She poured three or four into her hand, far more than the required amount and quickly downed them. The wave of relief was immediate, which she knew wasn't normal. It was a mental crutch. A loud knocking at the door interrupted her thoughts and she nearly dropped her bottle. Fuck, she really had to stop doing that.
"Yo, Fluttershy, you in there?!" came a familiar voice from the other side. Rainbow Dash had found her, leave it to Dash to knew she'd be hiding in a bathroom. She turned towards the mirror to make sure she looked decent, and not like the wreck she truly was. The cascading waves of pink slid down her back, the only accessory needed a small green flower which kept her bangs in place. The dress matched said accessory. It hugged her body tightly, accentuating her rather large curves and coated her pale, yellow skin in beautiful green. She almost looked like a tree. Almost. The dress ended just above her knees, quite modest by most people's standards. The sneakers didn't quite work, but she wanted to be comfortable, so oh well. What finished the outfit off was a black sweater, there was nothing quite remarkable about it but it did cover up her arms nicely.
"I can do this..." she whispered. The shy girl pressed her palm to the mirror and allowed a shaky sigh to escape her lips. She could do it. She had to. "S-sorry!" she called out. She opened the door only a fraction of the way and peeked outside. "Dashie...?" she asked tentatively, before yelping as the door was aggressively pushed open. The next thing the poor Fluttershy knew, she was being scooped up into her friends arms and pulled tightly against her athletic body in a tight hug. Of course Rainbow Dash was wearing a soccer uniform to a party, she was the only one who could pull something like that off.
"Shy?! How ya been? God, I haven't seen you all summer and it sounds like most of the others haven't either!" Dash cried out excitedly, carefully placing the now wobbling Fluttershy onto her feet. She gave the yellow girl a bright grin "Sorry," she began "Guess I got a little overly enthusiastic."
Fluttershy actually wasn't feeling great, but she'd needed to get out of her house. She forced a smile to her lips and nodded. "I'm good, Dashie. I saw all the pictures you posted from camp this summer. It looked like you had a lot of fun."
"There's that smile." Rainbow replied, giving the petite woman a pinch on her cheek. "Come on, the others are all over here. I'll protect ya from the crowd." and with a resolved look she grabbed Fluttershy by the wrist and began shoving her way through the crowd. Ah, this explained why Fluttershy couldn't find her friends. They were all outside, in the backyard. It was quieter out there as all the speakers seemed to be located inside. There was a series of happy smiles and then Fluttershy was being pulled in every which direction with dizzying speed. There were so many hugs and greetings and words that she couldn't even tell which voice belonged to who. Not until the final one.
The faint scent of cinnamon tickled the pinkette's nose first. Then, upon focusing a little, she recognized the orange-yellow hair of her friend. She hugged back and took a deep breath, as though she were steadying herself. In reality she wanted to inhale more of that cinnamon, so sweet. The hug lingered perhaps a moment too long and the two pulled away quickly. Sunset couldn't help but laugh a little. "I missed you too Fluttershy." her voice was so light and teasing, and she gave the shy girl a small bop on the nose. "You're looking awfully cute tonight." she said as she stepped back.
Fluttershy chuckled, though hid the fact that it was humorless quite well, at least she thought she did. It was funny, because Fluttershy had so recently seen an acronym for that word, one that she thought described her perfectly. How did it go again? Ha, as if she needed to even think about. She'd memorized it, stared at it for hours...
Clingy
Unattractive
Trash
Easy to forget
Yeah. That was it. Instead, Fluttershy smiled and looked down at the ground, softly kicking at it as she mustered up a reply. "Thank you." she said simply. She already knew what came next, it was the same thing everyone always asked after an extended period of absence, it made sense. It was a social norm.
"How are you?" Sunset asked, so carefree.
The words hit Fluttershy like a truck, and it took energy just to not exhale. It was only upon Sunset asking that she began to realize how... How not okay she was. Her anxious mind worked in overdrive to remind her of the true answers, ti was almost like having someone else shouting inside your head.
Broken. Useless. Alone. Clueless.Confused. Betrayed. Fragile. On the verge of tears. Depressed. Anxious. About to break down. Ready to give up. Pathetic. Annoying. Just a burden. Distant. Lonely. Bitter. Rejected. Crushed. Empty. Defeated. Never good enough.
None of those answered were given, however. Instead it was one little word, the biggest lie of them all. "Fine." she answered simply. As usual, they bought it.
The rest of of the night evolved into a blur. It wasn't that Fluttershy didn't talk to anyone during the party, she did. She just wasn't quite feeling it, so she made herself scarce. There was a part of the yellow girl that honestly thought she would work up to tell Sunset how she felt. A new year, so maybe she could have been a new Fluttershy too? It seemed as thought, once again, it wasn't meant to be. A couple hours in, Fluttershy went looking for Sunset. If not to confess, at least to talk. The honest truth was that... They really had gotten close over that last year of high school. Sunset had profusely apologized for the bullying she had done, and her and Fluttershy had spent many nights texting back and forth. Sunset was the closest one to finding out anything remotely close to the truth in regards to Fluttershy's home life. It had always been an odd dynamic, but it had worked. They talked more rarely as time went on, but everyone once in a while it still happened.
Fluttershy had been unable to locate her friend, and upon scanning the dance floor soon found out why. Sunset was dancing with some unknown woman. Grinding her full hips back into the other girl, occasionally they would switch and whoever this lucky woman was would be grinding her own hips into Sunset's. One could barely make out Sunset's face behind the glorious, blinding sunset locks. It felt like Fluttershy had been punched right in the heart. Again. Even though it hurt, she couldn't turn away though, couldn't force herself to stop staring at the source of her pain. Not when they grinded together, not when the other girl found herself pinned to the wall by Sunset, not even as they furiously made out against the wall. Fluttershy watched until Sunset completely disappeared. She then interrupted whatever Twilight had been saying to her a moment ago and pushed past her. She found the washroom again, shut the door slowly and locked it.
What had she done wrong...?
She dropped to her knees and tried to blink the tears away without success. Then she did the only thing that made sense, and screamed. She screamed as loud as she could and even with that the music canceled it out with ease. When Fluttershy began to truly feel hopeless, there wasn't much she could do. She needed to hurt, she needed to punish herself for not being good enough, not being strong enough, not being pretty, interesting or smart enough. She rolled up the sleeve on her left arm, and stared down at the ugly mark she had left there herself.
Punishing herself wasn't always pretty... Normally she was careful to do it in such a way that no one could notice, but she'd forgotten the school year was coming up. That was the only reason she'd targeted her wrist. She couldn't exactly hurt herself the way she needed to where she was, so instead she placed a nail at the top of the scar, digging it in furiously. She raked it down her arm, watching as the wound reopen and blood dripped down the length of her arm, turning the pale yellow a sickening color.
Fluttershy didn't know how long she stayed there for, but no one came searching and soon enough everyone was heading out. She managed to get a ride back home with the rest of her friends, and the whole time she never let on that anything was wrong. That's the thing about depression. It makes you an expert manipulator. An expert liar. When asked if she had fun that night, there was only one correct response. "Oh, of course!"
She gave her friends the biggest smile she could, even as she held onto her wrist over the sweater which wa ssoaking up the reality.
Author's Note
So this chapter is a little light on story and stuff, but there's a simple reason for that. This chapter was mostly to set everything up. I really wanted to dig into EQG Fluttershy's head, and show the extent to which she hurts.
I also need to say I do not condone any acts of self harm, and if you feel like you need to do that, I encourage you to seek help. This story is very much about toxicity, toxic relationship and stuff like that. Not to mention I want to heavily touch on social anxiety and depression because I feel like it's something not many people are always informed about. I want to get into these characters head, and show you how hard it is. If I can do that, I'll consider it a job well done.
I hope you join me for this adventure, this ride. I haven't forgotten about my other stories, but sometimes inspiration strikes, right?
Thank you, all!
