Permafrost

Double Diamond’s emotions were getting the better of him. There was so much he wanted to enjoy, so much he should be happy about. None of which seemed to matter, because all that escaped his mouth was a defeated sigh as his eyes almost reflexively scanned over a picturesque view of the ocean most ponies would kill to see.

He had started to feel rather unsettled as of late. He’d started wondering why he wasn’t utterly ecstatic every single day since he arrived in San Franciscolt. There shouldn’t even have been a snowboard shop, much less one hiring. The local thermometers didn’t even go below 50. Nevertheless, he managed to stumble into a relaxed, nearly idyllic lifestyle most ponies would write off as a fantasy. The kind that let him sit in a ten bit a cup coffee joint and just reminisce. He didn’t even have to try. How lucky.

“Stupid bucking stallion.” Diamond muttered under his breath. “You get your life saved. You just walk into the second most expensive city in Equestria and settle in on a velvet cushion, and you can’t be bothered to be so much as grateful. Somepony else deserves this life. They’d appreciate it. I’d be just as useful being a mindless drone again in…”

Another sigh. The stallion thought of all that effort Princess Twilight and her friends put into freeing him from the village. How courteous Trans-Equestria had been as well. He hadn’t even known airships had the hold space to carry that much baggage, yet they didn’t charge him a bit extra.

His therapist said it would take time to heal from what the village did to his head, much less the underlying issues that caused him to go there in the first place. Or, at least, what she thought they were. Diamond knew lying during a session was unproductive, but he was embarrassed to think about why he’d ever been that stupid in the first place. He could barely think of what it would be like to come clean

“Oh sorry doc.” It was almost too easy to imagine himself splayed out on the couch, hoof idly waving about as Dr Pendulum scribbled out some notes. “Almost toooootally bullshitting you on the parental abandonment thing. My parents were totally there! They were good Solarists too, and they would’ve raised a perfectly healthy, respectable son. Shame they got some faggot little twink that loved to play in the snow.

“Didn’t even have the dignity to be normal either. First time I got turned on by something outside my head was when the schoolyard bully tied me up with a jump rope. He caught me trying on one of the filly’s outfits from the school play and wanted me to stay put so he could get his friends to make fun of me too. They spent half an hour taunting me before the drama teacher found us. I was at full mast the whole time. Celestia’s beard that was a fun call home.”

The venom as his parents said those words… ‘Colt Cuddler.’ They echoed in Diamond’s head, coating it in vitriol. “‘You’re not a Colt Cuddler, Are you? Didn’t we raise you better than that?’ And there ya go doc. Those two sentences got me desperately trying to bed every mare that so much as breathed in my direction! I wasn’t raised to be a Colt Cuddler, I was raised to be a self-deprecating trainwreck that tried to kill himself twice before hearing about some self-help commune in the mountains... Even then, I wanted in because I thought meditation and prayer would make me stop being such a disgusting bucking faggot. I’d do anything not to hear those words again”

That same, familiar feeling of a spike through his barrel came rushing back as he tried to continue his trip down memory lane. He was glad the stay-in cups of the Dockview Cafe were ceramic, a paper cup would’ve left him covered in hot chocolate with how tightly he was holding it. Being here was supposed to make it easier, right?

Party Favor told him as much while they were being put up in Canterlot.

His friend was the first pony he’d told the truth to since his parents had made him hate the words to say it. He’d seemed so nonchalant when the topic was first breached. Most of the Refugees were set to depart in the morning. Everyone was cracking jokes about what brought them to the village in the first place, and when it was Party Favor’s turn, he just said;

“Guess I picked the wrong place to try finding a coltfriend”.

Diamond could feel a small stir of distaste in his stomach at the thought of somepony who’d been his friend for so long being a colt cuddler. He knew he had a visible reaction by the small dip in the unicorn’s expression, but things simply moved on, and the conversation stayed as lively as it had been. He figured the subject had simply passed.

Favor took him out on the hotel balcony when everyone else was asleep. Diamond knew he was an easy read, and figured he’d just get told off for seeming so distraught over a dumb joke. But the Unicorn just seemed to smile and said something that honestly took the athlete some time to compute.

“Not used to hearing much about Colt Cuddlers huh? Or maybe you wanted to take me up on the Coltfriend offer and just didn’t know what to say?”

The words were so fundamentally different when he said them, Diamond almost wondered if they meant the same thing. It rolled right off his tongue like every other word he’d ever heard the stallion say. In their brief little conversation, Favor recommended Diamond move somewhere where he’d be safer exploring himself.

It was two months since that conversation. Since Double Diamond last told a single soul about who he was. He still felt like the same broken pony that stumbled into Starlight’s village, the haze of what was supposed to be a Redroot overdose clawing at the edges of his vision. He was in the very crucible of colt cuddling, and he barely knew where to start.

One more sigh, and a sip of cocoa to clear his head. That was about all the self confrontation a pony could handle for one day. It was time to give himself a break. He could actually feel his ears raising back up as he wrestled his satchel over the arm of the chair, idly pawing through the contents until he reached a book with a featureless spine.

It felt like the one consolation prize he had gotten out of the whole fiasco. He’d ended up getting it tossed at him by total accident. A pony had simply overshot the News Kiosk employee he was aiming it at. “A Garden of Leather Roses” by Love Song. Bound blank so a pony reading it on an airship ride wouldn’t look like a total lecher.

Double Diamond only really felt appreciative of that fact after realizing he’d read the whole thing cover to cover by the time they’d arrived at the San Fransicolt skydocks

Since then he had reread it no less than ten times, and picked up a few other books by the author for his now growing collection. As kinky as they all were, there was an unmistakable tenderness that was intertwined with the prose. From a shivering femcolt being gently untied from a web of silken ribbons to chapter long tableaux of erotic punishment and submission, it was crystal clear that if either side was pushed beyond their limit, everything would be stopped on the spot until things were made right.

Diamond couldn’t understand why, but something about that idea tugged at his heartstrings. Being pushed, being able to have the word no being totally ignored, but one silly word passed the lips of either pony, and the whole world bent at the knee. It was quite hard for him to believe that two ponies could share the kind of trust. But all the same the sliver of hope that it could happen made the delicate waltzes of flesh and leather described in those quickly-wearing pages even more enticing.

The stallion unslotted the bookmark, placing it on the small coffee table as he re-read the last few lines to get reacquainted with his position in the story. Bitter Root was just about to take Chrysanthemum down into his private chambers below the castle, fully expecting the revelation to end their still budding relationship on the spot. But it didn’t.

Diamond had probably mouthed Chrys’ exact words every time he’d read it past the first, once the shivers they sent down his spine subsided. Bitter Root’s adorably defensive little speech about what they could do together was nice, but something about the younger stallion’s words spoke to him.

“This place couldn’t scare me. Not with you here. If these are your instruments, then use them to make my body sing like you truly want it to. I want to live your music. To be your own private concerto”

That sort of release, that utter trust… Double Diamond couldn’t tell how long he’d been looking for it. Even the glimpses he found through something like fiction only made the craving more intense. He wanted to be someone like Chrys. A naive, trusting young stallion ready to throw himself into the hooves of a pony with his best interest at heart. He cried every time he read those words, but kept convincing himself they were tears of joy.

Double Diamond couldn’t stand to stop reading until the aftercare was well and done. The scene didn’t feel complete until every last sugary “I love you” was uttered, every sore spot was properly kissed, and the snuggling was back to it’s nominal levels (at least for two ponies whose pastime seemed to be bucking like rabbits). It made him want to melt back into the crook of the chair, imagining it as the plush embrace of another stallion, ready to hug his troubles away.

There was one pony who he knew he could tell all this to. A pony he knew wouldn’t judge, because he’d been through so much of the same. But who knew where he was…

Suddenly, Double Diamond didn’t feel much like reading anymore.

The bookmark was quickly replaced as the stallion got ready to head out. He actually had things to do on his day off, so it was best that he didn’t spend the whole day with his muzzle buried in smut anyways. He had to get his scarf dry-cleaned if he even wanted to pretend it was presentable. He also had to buy some groceries for the upcoming week. A pony has to eat to live after all. As he shifted his satchel over his shoulder, he hoped maybe if the day would improve, it could get him in the mood to read a bit more before bedtime.

He always felt like he was imposing on the employees when leaving a stay-in mug behind on the table, but it was their specific instruction. Still, the thought that some ponies would be so inconsiderate as to not even want to clean up after themselves was upsetting. He had to keep himself from telling the staff that ponies should be picking up after themselves. Busy or not, Diamond always felt it was worth a tiny bit more effort to make another pony’s day easier.

Celestia’s sun floated lazily across the San Franciscolt skyline like it did every single day, not seeming to care about the hustle and bustle it shined down upon. Despite the heat, the stallion’s scarf was back around his neck the moment it was returned to him, restored to its fluffy glory. Sure, it scored him a few strange looks as he wandered through the open stalls of the farmer's market, but it was nothing he wasn’t used to. He even had a stallion strike up a small conversation, though it seemed as if they both quickly lost interest.

Diamond really wished that the reason he shopped at the open air market was because he wished to share the virtue of the common working pony. That he wanted to be like the various high horses about town, oh so concerned about the health of local businesses. That he wasn’t being selfish, and didn’t mind paying a bit more for the produce he’d be bringing home in his saddlebags. But if he was being honest with himself, while the local megamart was closer and cheaper, it simply didn’t have a dumpling stand.

And so he wandered, listlessly munching on dim sum while admiring the selection of rhubarb. It was a routine Diamond didn’t mind sinking into. It got him eating healthier than when somepony else was feeding him, and at least a lot of items were still less expensive than they’d be in say, a grocer in a city like Canterlot. Still, these ponies ran small farms, and it was hard to argue them out of well owed compensation, even when the price stung a bit.

Diamond had grown accustomed to doing some pony watching as he trotted down the various lanes of the market, passing the time as he shopped. His understanding of the flow of market life had expanded to the point where he was fairly certain he could see a few of the stealthy little signals that let Colt Cuddlers find one another.

The first thing he picked up on was that when two stallions were talking to one another, they both usually had a bandana tied somewhere on their bodies. He’d also seen particular things when stallions had something around their neck. They’d tend to act a bit more sheepish when confronted, and yet they also seemed to relish the hungry looks of the other stallions they passed. That sort of dual nature left the athlete scratching his head.

Double Diamond, while a perceptive pony, was not always the most clever.

He also didn’t quite feel he was the most charismatic. He’d told himself that at least once, he’d try talking to somepony he thought could be another Colt Cuddler. He didn’t know how he’d even begin to breach the topic, but having a conversation with someone like himself wouldn’t leave him feeling so isolated in such a large crowd. But for yet another day, all he left with was a bag full of produce, and a head full of unanswered questions.

His last stop for the day was one of the local bookstores, located at nearly the exact midway point between the market and his house. It was run by a rather mousy looking pony named Chapter Mark, whose exact gender Diamond never managed to catch. What he did catch however was the small sign in the window that bragged about their ability to get nearly any book. It even offered a small monetary prize if they could be stumped.

Diamond went in the first time with an expectation to leave with an extra 15 bits. He left with the rather shocking knowledge that the bookstore wouldn’t even need to import any of his requests. Not only did they already have a Love Song section, but it was expanded with each subsequent release. He even got to hear Chapter gush about how “A Garden of Leather Roses” was the absolute perfect jumping on point for anypony looking to build a collection.

Diamond felt the tiniest pang of regret that he hadn’t even opened his copy of “A Silken Sky” yet. There was such insistence in the bookseller’s voice as to how perfect it would be for him that he’d bought it on recommendation alone. His dozenth re-reading of Roses had interrupted however, so he figured it would be best to tune out Chapter’s excited ramblings so nothing got spoiled by accident. The pony seemed quite giddy upon his arrival, but it wasn’t quite the state he was familiar with. this wasn’t just excitement, Chapter was downright giddy. This was something more than the latest volumes to arrive

The bookseller seemed liable to detonate from sheer joy at any moment, looking up at Diamond with a grin that bridged the gap between their ears. It took them a few moments to find the right words (or from what it seemed, remember how to speak) but the ones that came out were surprisingly more eloquent than the usual rambles.

“Diamond, get to the back right now! There’s another pony here who’s a Love Song fan, and he wanted to know if there were any I could introduce him to!” To Diamond’s surprise, Chapter actually started prancing in place from excitement. “You’ve got to talk to him, he’s cute, funny, and he loves GoLR as much as you do, he’s… he’s coltfriend material! I have been resisting the urge to ship you two since he said he’d stick around. Now go back and make some magic!”

While the unicorn’s magic dragged him along by the scarf, the white stallion’s brain went into overdrive. How did Chapter know he was gay? It was truly a perplexing question. Diamond’s theory was that maybe the hint got dropped at about the seventh volume of gay bondage smut he’d purchased.

More so, what was he going to say? The fact that they were both colt cuddlers was clear as day given the subject matter at hand, but with that laid bare, where would the conversation lead? If he had even a single ounce of experience, Diamond was at a horrific disadvantage in comparison. He didn’t know anything about this pony’s interests, and if the topic was purely on sexuality, it would feel like he had a one-track mind.

His hooves barely crept forward as all the possible disastrous scenarios flooded his thoughts, he hadn’t even seen this pony, and he was already a nervous wreck. What kind of first impression was he going to end up leaving if he showed up looking like he was about to disarm a bomb? If Diamond couldn’t calm down, he figured, the situation really would blow up in his face.

He dug through everything he could think of before hitting on a decent train of thought. Party Favor was a perfectly nice pony. Even if they’d met under absolutely horrid circumstances, he still seemed as amicable as anypony else. The only thing Diamond could think of that set him apart was that he was a colt cuddler.

Diamond was finally able to smile. That’s how he should approach things, like he was just meeting Party for the first time. All he needed to do was be friendly and chances were, all his other worries would never come to pass. As he turned the corner, the stallion was ready to finally meet another colt cuddler… just like his friend… just like him.

And there he was. Standing in front of the Love Song section, leafing through one of the novels. His mane as wild as the day they’d last parted at the Canterlot skydocks. Somepony he knew without a doubt, was a colt cuddler.

“Oh, Hey Diamond!” Party Favor chirped excitedly