You know, I sometimes wonder why the bloody bollocks auntie Celly doesn’t just, I don’t know, fire massive beams of sun at her enemies? It would really save me a lot of time. Tartarus damn it, do you have any idea how hard it is to wash blue satin. For that matter, do you have any idea how hard it is to acquire blue satin for my personal bowties?
Not very, to be honest, but it’s the principle of the matter.
Spinning the screws loose on the other side of the grate, I slowly pushed it out with my magic and set it gently to the side.
Another one of those infernal white furred, black armored goat things stood in front of the cell doors. Satyrs, I believe would be the politically correct term to call them. I think I’ll call them Asses-On-Legs. These guys are pissing me off.
Freaking hell. Is this what I’ve been reduced to? Sneaking around in my own bloody office? At least the changelings had the audacity to kidnap me in my mansion. Granted I set the lot of them on fire, but it was my mansion! I can set fire to anyone in it whenever I want.
But the workplace is a big no no. Stupid auntie scolding me for setting that prepubescent dragon on fire. What was his name again? Garble? Grumble? Giblets? Lord knows, he screamed as if his giblets were being removed. Bucking dragon should have taken being set on fire like the dragon he was instead of the lemming that he actually was.
Oh? Ass-On-Legs guard just stood up. He walks to the end of the hall, stands for a moment, walks back, and sees me hiding in the ventilation shaft.
Throwing the grate at his face in the hopes of distraction, I shot out the grate and under his legs before bucking the back of his unguligrade knees with a loud snap. As he toppled forward with the beginnings of a scream building on whatever’s hidden behind those stupid-ass masks, I took the liberty of casting a silence spell in the surrounding area.
At this point, any vigilante would probably monologue. I stabbed him with four conjured blades of light before stabbing his back into his heart for a quick death. Monologuing at dead things works just as well for me.
Searching the corpse for the keys to the door, I found them. A whole ringful of them. Rolling my eyes, I got to work.
Whelp, that one doesn’t work. And this one. And that one. You know what? Let me just pass the time, monologuing about the stupidity of this whole situation.
I’m Prince Blueblood. The Fifty Second. Dear old granny always insisted I was clear on what number Blueblood I was because it mattered. Hint: It didn’t. I was born a noble which meant I should have become yet another lobbyist in Parliament taking up space and an attractively large paycheck for taking up space.
Instead I’m a freaking diplomat.
Urge to set fire to metal keys rising. Grinding my teeth, I continued on. Oh wonderful. The key snapped. Great. Bloody bollocking great. Can’t even test out the rest of the keys.
Where was I? Ah. yes. Diplomacy. As a young colt, I loved traveling and learning new things about the world. So I decided to become a diplomat. That way I would get to travel and learn culture, eat good food, and have sex with exotic females. As you can tell by the dead body bleeding out in the back of me, things did not pan out the way I envisioned.
The door finally opened. I most definitely did not just buck it open in anger. And of course, it opened just so I could see two more Asses-On-Legs guards. Just how freaking hard is this going to have to be?
Letting loose with another silence spell to avoid them calling more guards, I charged in after throwing a veritable wall of conjured daggers. One of them dragged the other in front of it as a shield.
Clever if albeit ruthless tactic. Ultimately pointless as I blinked out of existence and back, behind it to drive a conjured sword into its head and pinning it to its comrade.
Let’s continue this cathartic rant. I, Blueblood, supposed prince, previous title holder of Equestria’s Most Eligible Bachelor, and current holder of Number One Diplomat was bloody pissed at being the Number One Diplomat. For a job that was supposed to improving relations between species, I ended up having to kill a bloody crap ton of them.
The Festival of Friendship was supposed to be my vacation! No social climbers, no assassin, just good old drinking and hangover cures the next morning! Instead an invasion happened and I’m falling right back into work, killing undesirables in the name of Equestria.
Damn it. It’s a bloody good thing I know Auntie Celly personally or I would have led a rebellion against her long ago.
This new guy? Storm Peking Goat? Well, he’s fair game.
Now which button activated the speakers again?
“Testing. Testing. One. Two. Three. Testing.” I said.
The sound of shattering glass in about a two mile radius is something to behold. Let’s wait bit for the ringing to stop.
“Hopefully, nobody important got stabbed by the glass fragments,” I said, after adjusting a few dials,”However if you are the Storm King’s minions, then I’ll be honest and say that I hope they get into your assholes and fuck you up anally.”
Tapping my chin, I gathered my thoughts. This is an important day after all for Equestria. Better find some good words.
… I love my thought process. It gives me all the answers sometimes.
“This is an important day for Equestria”, I truly began the speech,”After all, this is the first time in millenia we’ve been kicked and fucked this hard.”
Slinging an explosive spell through the hallway to collapse it on top of the platoon that was attempting to barge in, I continued on,” We’re beaten. We’re down. We’re enslaved. Bound to our new masters. Kind of sucks doesn’t it?”
“But you know what? This might be the easiest one yet. Let me just show you exactly whata we’re up against. We’re up against the Storm King. Large goat on legs. Experienced conqueror. He’s been at this for quite a while. His track record is impressive. And right now he’s got us down to rights what with him sitting in the middle of the capitol.”
I tossed my head back and laughed,”At the risk of sounding cliched, the fucktard just signed his death warrant. Metaphorically of course.”
“Mr. Storm King sire,” I addressed him,”A conquerer such as you must be quite experienced in squashing rebellions, correct? Except you don’t. You’re a hit and run kind of guy. But you’ve decided to settle in Equestria with all the namby pamby ponies, correct?”
“I feel it’s only fair and sporting to tell you exactly what the fuck you’re up against.”
Wow. Say what you will about these idiotic invaders, but they work fast. I an already hear them excavating the makeshift barricade.
“We’re badass mother fuckers. Tempest Storm, your lackey, may seem to be the exception to the rule that ponies are weak and scared. But she’s actually pretty normal and par for the course.”
Leaving the console for a bit, I observed the rocks. Hmm… Explosive runes? Or no explosi- What the hell am I thinking!? Explosions always. Etching a few into the rocks, I left the surprise for the guards before returning to my speech.
“Where was I? Where was I? Oh yes. Mr. Storm King. Us Ponies? We live in harmony. And by that I mean we’ve killed windigoes by killing our hate between each other. We’ve pushed back a species built for infiltration from the heart of our country. Spoilers. That’s going to happen to you too. We’ve converted one individual of said species to our way of life and in turn he overthrew his own damn queen and converted an entire species. Here’s another spoiler. They’re our best friends. Dragons be our friend, the gryphons go to our summer camps, and hoo boy, there’s a whole list of allies that we have. I should know. I’m in charge of making sure thata we’re still friends with half of them.”
Ah. The sweet sound of explosion. I could fall asleep to the screams of invaders. Oh well, that’s what recording is for.
“And most of these things happened at the hooves of sis individuals that are out there.”
I clucked my tongue,”Mr. Storm King. Friendship isn’t just magic here. It’s a literal weapon for us. Of course, the six primary wielders are gone and out seeking foreign help, but we’ve got time to wait. Or rather you’ve got time to get out with some of your dignity intact from the ass whooping you’re about to recieve. Forget the can. It’s been open long ago.”
Another explosion echoed. You would think they- Oh fucking hell. They’re actually using ponies as testers for the explosions. That’s just not cool. I immediately drew all the power of the runes back into myself. Stepping aside for a moment, I apologized,”Apologies. I’ve got a few problems to take down before I continue this little speech.”
Blasting away the rock, I waved a hello to a gray pegasus with slanted eyes. Oh wow! That’s my old bodyguard, Ditzy Doo. Small world, eh? ”Bubbles! Haven’t seen you in forever!”
The adorable cross-eyed mare managed a smile. Or what I assume to be one. Hard to tell behind those infernal masks. Pulling her through the hole, I whispered comfortingly,”You’re kind of silly. I know you want to stay hidden, but seriously-”
Conjuring several small knives, I whipped them through the necks of the guards and sighed as they collapsed, leaking pools of their own blood,
“This is a hella good tie for the baby gloves to come off.”
I sliced off the bindings on her and ignored her bashful smile. I returned to the council to continue my rousing speech turned roast.
“Sorry. Had to take down some Asses-On-Legs. Spoilers, they’re dead Jim. I suppose this is the part where you say that you have more where that come from if we were face to face. Blah. Blah. Blah.”
Stomping echoed as yet more guards came up. Rolling my eyes, I shouted at Ditzy,”Oi! Bubbles! Stall for time, will ya?”
She looked at me uncertainly. I gave her an unamused look. She sighed and darted back through the hole.
No idea what she said, but I did hear mocking Ass-on-Leg laughter. Don’t know why though seeing as the funny part hadn’t come yet. Wait a minute. Ah yes. The screams that followed was the truly hilarious part
“You don’t even have the capability of neutralizing magic like Tirek did. One of the most devastating demons to escape from Tartarus. Here’s a hint. He got rainbow blasted. By friendship. I really have no idea why you think we were an easy mark.”
Oh. There’s Ditzy Doo coming back in. Sighing, I took off my blue bowtie and tossed her my vest for her to use as a makeshift towel. Tying my bowtie around my head as a bandana instead,”By the way, you’ve got a day to leave before I… You know what. Nah. Leave now. Before I activate Ultima Externo on your stupid ass.”
I tossed Ditzy the crystal that I had stored in my mane ever since it was passed down from my by my dear old gram.
Ditzy fumbled the catch a bit before finally giving up and diving for it, bringing it up with shaking hooves and whispering,”Is this-”
I shrugged,”Yup. Yeah. Totally going to do it. I’m kind of tired of all these idiots thinking Equestria’s an easy pick.”
Snapping into a sloppy salute, she flew out the window into the dark skies, no doubt reciting the activation phrase.
For the benefit of my fellow citizens and also for pure drama, I recited it too.
We are trapped in their vice
Our destiny twisted by our foes
Once more to arms, we must rise
For they will reap what they have sown.
Rise and Stampede
As I watched the explosion of colors race through the sky, I mused that the poem could probably use some work.
Oh well.
Author's Note
I'll be honest. I wrote this because I saw one scene where our favorite background ponies were bound and muzzled.
That scene just inordinantly pissed me off.
I'm waiting for the movie to pass before actually continuing with the story.
For now, have a taste of badassery, little to no character development, and a vague idea.
Just so you know...
The story I'm going to write is going to be an open collab where anyone can get their favorite pony and write them doing baddass things.
For starters, I've got these planned.
Berry Punch: Last Surviving Master of Drunken Pony Fu(True Form)
Ditzy Doo: Wife of the Doctor, Embodiment of Murphy's Law(Entropy)
Vinyl Scratch: DJ Ninja
Octavia Philharmonic: Mafia Cellist(Katekyo Hitman Reborn Edition)
Angel Bunny: Embodiment of Rage
Trixie Lulamoon: Illusionist
Starlight Glimmer: Embodiment of Overreaction(Or something. I just want her blowing up to be honest)
CMC: Terrifying Trio of TNT Tactics(Actually a closeknit hit squad, but semantics)
Moon Dancer: Paper Magician(Read Or Die)
Ponyvillians as whole: BAMFS the lot of them.
HERE'S TO HOPING THAT THIS DIVE WORKS!
