It's the hands...I guess...

Chapter 3: Blackbeard VS Luna: Round 1.

Ponyville – Sugarcube Corner -

It was an exceptionally hot sunday that one, with the sun starting to try fry every pony alive as soon as it came up and never stopping even for a second, making opening shop especially annoying and Celestia give silent apologies for the heat-wave that had been washing over Ponyville for days.

"Why we decided to stay open on sunday too?" Mr. Cake had said whining.

"Do not be a baby, dear. It is good for business!" Ms. Cake answered with an amused chuckle.

"Aye, aye..." he replied unconvinced.

"Is it okay if I come in? Or is it too soon?" a new voice asked as a head peaked inside as soon as the door went unlocked and the sign on it turned on the Open side.

"Blackie! Sure, my boy! Get in! Get in! I just pulled out of the oven some coffee-flavoured muffins! And I know somebody who always casually pass by here whenever I make them!" Ms. Cake answered with a gentle, almost maternal, smile.

"Hohoho! Guilty as charged, don't mind if I do take a couple then, I need some breakfast." Buck, the human also known as Blackbeard ("Blackie" for few friends) the Masseur, answered laughing as he entered crouching to not hit the fans on the ceiling with his head.

"Must be a pain in the flank being that tall..." Mr. Cake observed amused.

"Honey! Do not body-shame him!" his wife growled angrily.

"It's okay, Cup! He is right, it is a pain, but by now I am used to it." Buck said reassuringly as he sat on the ground while still having the right height to use the tables inside.

"At least use a cushion, dearie. You no longer are a colt, sitting on the floor is not good for your back." Cup Cake answered shaking her head.

"Yes, Mom." the poor human said sighing as he accepted the offered cushion once he got himself the promised muffins.

"Please do not give her ideas about being a mommy, the twins are more than enough!" Carrot Cake pleaded with a low voice.

"Ignore him, he is just scared of that kind of commitment, but you know...Those Massages you gave me are helping me make him change idea about it." the mare said winking.

"Yeah, but I immediately regret it the next morning! I am no longer as young as I used to be back in the days." the poor stallion admitted as he limped his way back behind the counter.

"You are no longer a filly either, Cup, you can't ride him raw." Buck said chuckling at her MASSIVE blush.

"OH, HUSH YOU! You gave back the fire I used to have inside and I am darn proud of it! Maybe HE should also come to you once a week during your 'Discount Days'." Mrs. Cake said huffing.

As he had started being the ONLY masseur in the small Parlor, to help sales Buck had decided to offer to the first five lucky clients full-service for half the price should they bring a new (paying) customer during said day; Rarity for example had brought with her AJ that finally got to try what both the dress-maker and her own brother declared being a good way to relax.

Mrs. Cup Cake (Nee Chiffon Swirl) had been brought to him by Miss Cheerilee once the older mare's back had suffered a nasty hit from her falling down some stairs in her bakery basement, and she had been a steady visitor ever since along electing herself 'Mother-figure' of Buck once learned of his being the ONLY HUMAN in all Equestria and near lands.

Buck sometimes wondered if it was simply her motherly side acting-up with him because she had two babies to look after and could not 'switch it off',but no matter his protests she seemed adamant into being just as nagging as a mother was with her wayward son.

"No offense but I heard what happened to Blueblood when he visited you, and I would prefer not doing that." Mr. Cake immediately said shaking his head wildly.

"That colt always struts around like a peacock and yet lacks proper manners, certain ponies know no shame! And he is Princess Celestia and Luna's nephew too! I can only imagine the shame he had brought on them, if he was MY son…Oooh! He would walk bowlegged for days with all the spanking I would give him!" Cup Cake said grumbling.

"Yeah, damn pervert." Buck said nonplussed as he covered his smirk by giving a bite to his breakfast.

Come to insult his shop, eh? Treat the 'Dirty Human' in contempt and mistreat his helpers by acting like a dick, eh? Believing to be superior just because he and his cronies were of High Society, doesn't he? That called for a lesson in humility all right!

Seeing the posturing moron turn the poor young mare helping Buck as secretary to pay for her studies to tears had resulted in the quite-vengeful Human forgetting to alert Blueblood of the...Side-effects of his massages and made sure the door of his working area remained open so that EVERYPONY inside and outside the parlor could hear him moan (and boy, he did it more than anticipated) until he forced him to sit with an excuse so that he could flash his dong to his friends and ponies outside until he...Let's say fired one of his friends right on the face making said stallion shriek in disgust at the smelly gooey mess turning him blind.

From there Buck dusted the few acting lessons he took in third grade for the school play and somehow managed to have every pony not in the know believe Blueblood to be some sick deviant having uncontrolled orgasms just from a massage; of course the ones knowing that to be normal didn't say a thing to not admit that they too had similar reactions (and they didn't like Blueblood either, so they were extra motivated to stay silent).

Celestia spent two days apologizing over and over for the mess her nephew did, and Luna too apologized albeit clearly against her will, while Blueblood was coerced into paying for cleaning and the bothering of the workers in there along openly apologizing himself; even if the looks and gossip from what Buck heard had caused the stallion to close himself in his penthouse in Manehattan to never come out until things calmed-down.

"Now that I look at you..." Mrs. Cake said out of the blue.

"Yes?" the man said worried.

"I think it is time for you to find a nice mare to settle-down, you are not getting any younger." she said simply.

"Really, Cup...We already went through this." Buck said slowly while the mare's husband chuckled at his expenses.

"You always work and work and work, I never actually see you just hang-out with somepony outside young Zecora, is there already something between you two?" she said.

"We are just friends, Cup. And even then, look at me, I am a completely different species...It wouldn't work. With nopony of you." the poor man said slowly while pointing at himself and using the local word to better be understood.

"Those are details. If not her, I know for certain that Sweet Corn's daughter is a very good mare, hard-working and with a nice head on her shoulders! She actually told me in confidence that her daughter finds your beard to be quite the endearing feature, along your deep voice and the whole deal of you having hands! Exotic she defined them, and we both know the effect those have on mares and stallions alike." Cup Cake said with a conspiratorial whisper to accompany the predatory gleam in her eyes.

"Please stop trying to have me hook-up with a mare, Cup! Most of you still see me as an animal, the backlash of that alone would be bad, and young Summer does not deserve that." Buck answered groaning.

"Ignore those mean bigots, if they do not whine about you they would whine about the weather or something else, they will never be happy; and I am not the only one NOT considering you an animal as we all recognize you to be smart just like everypony else! and soon others too will realize that you are not a beast as well trust me." Cup Cake answered without missing a beat.

"The fact remains that I cannot date a mare, it would be wrong."

"You are just scared of being in a relationship! Really, what's with you stallions/Humans being afraid of marriage or even just relationships? It doesn't really mean to be a prisoner! What the hay do your fathers fill your heads with when you are young?" the old mare said annoyed as she moved a cup of milk in front of his face.

"And drink something with those muffins, you'll choke otherwise." she added.

"Aye!"

"If not Summer Corn...There is also Rosemary Leaf, she deals with plants and has a small shop herself selling cosmetic products, she is always pretty relaxed and calm, so maybe she will fix your grumpy attitude,"

"I am not grumpy, Cup!" the human said whining.

"You tend to be when nervous, dearie. Opera Prima then? She is a bit eccentric as an artist, but she still insists in seeing how somebody like you would come out if reproduced on either canvas or marble, you know? You can start as her model and THEN see if you two can be something more."

"Cuuuup! Please I beg you, stop this crusade of yours!" Buck begged groaning.

"Nifty Trick?"

"The party Magician?"

"She is quite the looker and a very acculturated mare, she has a doctorate in literature even! So she is smart and pretty."

"She also sticks her wand in her special place when she thinks nobody sees her."

"She does not!"

"I walked on her last time she invited me over for tea and I got there too early."

"Really?! Nevermind then...Ah-ha! Sky Feather! She is a spunky mare with a no-nonsense attitude that likes to fly at high speed and loud music and hates 'Romantic Stuff'! But contrary to dear Rainbow Dash she at least TRY to remember she is a girl as well."

"So she is pretty much a Tom-colt?"

"Precisely!"

"Still no, Cup. I am sorry." Buck said smirking.

"You are not sorry AT ALL." Mrs. Cake countered huffing.

"No, no I am not."

"Grrrrr!"

"What about Pinkie? She is hyperactive and loves to have fun! She could FINALLY have even you bright-up a little!" Mr. Cake said smirking.

"Do not join the conversation or I'll massage you." Buck hissed with narrowed eyes.

"Eeep!" the stallion answered diving behind the counter to hide.

"Boys! Fine, I will let you walk away from this THIS TIME, but I will help you find your perfect mare, even if it is the last thing I do!" Mrs. Cake finally conceded with crossed hooves and an offended frown on her face.

"Feel free to try if you want, but you won't manage." Buck answered laughing in challenge as he paid the bill, wore back his sunglasses and walked outside.

"I'll be on my way, have a nice day!" he said before closing the door behind himself.

"To you too." Cup Cake said bitterly.

"Honey, maybe you should let him do it by himself." her husband tried saying unsure.

"NEVER!" she replied with a childish whine.

With Buck – few minutes later -

"Hot!...Hot, hot, hot!" the poor man said sighing as he felt his skin burn under the raging sun.

"Good morning, Blackbeard!" a young stallion said from his fruit stall.

"To you too, Pear!" he answered smiling, unknown to him two shadows were following him with less-than-friendly intentions in mind.

"So that's him you want..." from behind the corner of a near house Discord hissed in contempt as he watched the human calmly walk through the streets looking for something to do before opening his parlor.

"Yes, I take that you finally accepted helping me unmask his evil plans then! What was it that had you change your mind?" Luna asked curious.

"It's personal." Discord answered as his lion paw grabbed the side of the wall lightly cracking it.

Flash-back – Fluttershy's cottage – under the window -

"OH MY GOODNESS! YES! YES! I AM COMING! I AM COMING!" Fluttershy kept moaning and screaming at random intervals as Buck, by now used to it, kept stoically massaging the wildly-thrashing mare under him while ignoring her cries of pleasure.

"It's just a massage! It's just a massage! It's just a massage! It's just a massage! Think happy thoughts! Think happy thoughts!" Discord was curled into a tight ball as he kept repeating those words and rocking back and forth while trying to cover his ears.

"OH, BLACKBEARD! IT FEELS SO GOOOOOOOD! SPANK ME! SPANK ME AND CALL ME YOUR WHORSE!"

"Nuuuuuh!" the draconequus whined shutting his eyes tight.

Present day – End of the flash-back -

"Nopony corrupts Fluttershy but ME," the Draconequus growled with a low voice.

"What was that?" Luna asked confused.

"My own businesses...Tell me again this great plan of yours."

"Simple, we capture him, we bring him to the Castle and force him to spit-out his plans for Equestria! He is working alone so nopony of course suspects that he has some plans, but I am not fooled, there must be a reason why everypony likes his massages! MASSAGES, can you believe it?! Even Celestia vehemently defends him as if he was a saint! There must be something behind it, I am sure of it!" the Moon Alicorn said furious.

"..." Discord simply turned to look at her with a confused expression.

"That's it?" he asked.

"Yes! How can you too be so blind?! You are a former Villain! You should recognize somepony evil and rotten like you in an instant!"

"Okay, first off: Buck you. Second...Can it be that MAYBE he is just that good?" Discord answered with crossed arms.

"Did you know Miss Fluttershy too had been massaged by him? And that she expressed the wish to be a regular customer of his massage parlor? A DAILY regular customer." she said with narrowed eyes.

"Oh, Blackbeard! I AM COMING! I AM COMING!" Fluttershy's orgasm voice blared in the mismatched creature's mind in all its mind-scarring glory.

"I am in." he answered growling.

Later that day - 'Lunch Break' -

"God I miss my malboro's..." Buck groaned stretching his back as his nicotine dependency weakly reared its head up.

Zecora had detoxified him of nicotine long ago, but sometimes he still felt the need to light-up one, especially after coffee like at the moment during his short pause for lunch.

"Good evening, Blackbeard!" a young mare said as she passed by him.

"Good evening, Miss Fresh." he replied nodding absently as he gave a bite to his vegetarian sandwich.

"I would kill for some pork ribs too with lots of sauce...My sister may have married that shitty waste of life, but at least he could make a decent barbecue, that was his only saving grace actually. Maybe I should go hunting again tonight, if I am lucky I may catch a boar or something." he thought sighing.

It was in that moment that a very familiar smell caught his attention, something that triggered a long buried memory of his past and had his stomach give a longing whine.

"...Can it be?" Sniff Sniff! "Meat?...Cheese? Is that...A cheeseburger?!" he said in shock as he noticed a colorfull box in the middle of the road he was sure WAS NOT there a minute ago, that and the 'Free Human Food' tiny sign near it.

"McGriffon. I swear some copyright law has been triggered here." he said cautiously walking towards the fairly-iconic golden M in this case formed by the wings of a stylized golden griffon.

"Why I am having Looney Tunes flash-backs about this?" he muttered as he knelt down to watch the unassuming box better.

"Closer! Closer!" Luna and Discord thought with narrowed eyes as both grasped the rope activating their trap tightly.

"I wonder..." Buck thought as he discreetly looked at the reflection on a near shop window to see a cage hanging above his head that too wasn't there before.

"There it is! Either this is Miss Pinkie's new prank or somebody wishes me harm. If its the latter and it is a Unicorn doing this I won't have much to fight against...Buuuut! I want to try this, if it works it will be worth a laugh, if not, I will dodge, I know its coming so I will be ready...Saint Wily Coyote guide me..." he thought smirking as he got up and while thinking fervently that the cage wouldn't have fallen he snatched-up the box with an eager smile.

"NOW!" both Alicorn and Draconequus thought in victory as they pulled the rope as hard as they could, but nothing happened.

"HOLY SHIT IT WORKED! AND MORE IMPORTANTLY, MEAT!" Buck thought happily as he walked back to his parlor whistling merrily, right there deciding that the Griffon Empire may just be a place worth a visit in the holidays if there they accepted people eating meat!

"How?! HOW?!" Luna yelled in disbelief as she neared the trap.

"I have no idea." her partner in crime answered confused.

"WHY YOU DIDN'T WORK! YOU. STUPID. USELESS. JUNK!" Clang! As the Moon Princess started jumping on the plaque that was supposed to snap the trap the cage FINALLY fell down trapping her.

"I see! So Mister Blackbeard understands Toon Physics...Very well, Human! No kiddie gloves for you then! This small victory is on you, but next time I will be the winner." Discord hissed angrily as he vanished the cage before he too disappeared.

"Wait for me, you buffoon!" Luna yelled as she hurriedly followed him.

With Blackbeard – few minutes of blissful munching later -

"Angus beef, cheddar cheese, seven stripes of crunchy bacon and no pickles...By God in Heaven it was Perfect." he said happily as he threw away the box and, with broken heart, immediately washed his teeth just to not make his customers queasy with the smell of cooked meat.

"Friendship my ass, if they really were that friendly and gentle they would have accepted my need to eat other living beings from time to time." He muttered sighing as he saw Twilight Sparkle enter his shop with a troubled expression.

"You okay?" he asked.

"Yes and no...I may...I may have forgot to tell you something...Something her Majesty Celestia too forgot to mention..." She tried saying.

"Which is?" he asked worried.

"There is a portal-mirror in the royal castle that leads to a world of Humans..." the Purple unicorn admitted with a small voice.

"...What?"

"I tried to keep the secret since I forgot to mention it immediately! Because by the time I remembered it had passed a lot of time, but I felt too guilty to continue staying silent." she admitted sniffling.

"An-And Celly knew about that portal?"

"The Princess was the one to explain to me what that was. I had to go there fixing a small issue about a former student of hers a little while ago." Twilight answered looking down.

"Oh..."

"You are not angry, right? We just forgot to mention it sooner, that's all!" the purple mare tried saying with a weak chuckle.

Honestly, she shouldn't have been surprised by the LONG plethora of curses, blasphemy and general furious screaming in more-or-less six different languages he expressed his displeasure with.

He may have then said that he was not angry at her personally, or with Celestia, but darn it if she still felt like dung afterwards.

"It's okay, Twilight. I am not angry anymore." he said gasping a little for air after his rant.

"You sure?" she asked from behind the counter where she was hiding.

"Yes, sorry for my screaming."

"Peace?" the mare proposed shyly presenting her hoof.

"Peace." he answered with a gentle smile as he shook her hoof making her smile a little.

"I take you want to see it then?"

"Yeah, please can I see it? Can I see that mirror?" Buck asked with a pleading tone.

"I'll ask the Princess." Twilight answered nodding.

Two days later – Royal Castle – Mirror Room -

"DON'T GO PLEEEEASE! STAY HERE! REMAIN WITH UUUUS!" Celestia begged latching to the man's leg while crying.

"I JUST WANT TO TELL MY FAMILY THAT I AM OKAY! I SWEAR I WILL BE BACK IN FIVE MINUTES!" Buck, veeeeery disturbed by the thing, answered as he dragged his occupied leg behind himself as he walked towards the mirror.

"I DON'T BELIEVE YOU! YOU WANT TO LEAVE ME EVEN AFTER EVERYTHING I HAVE DONE FOR YOU!" the Alicorn answered with a very childish whine.

"FIVE MINUTES! JUST A PHONE CALL AND I'LL BE BACK!" the ex-soldier answered with a placating tone.

"I BEG YOU, DON'T TAKE AWAY MY MASSAGES! I NEED THEM TO SURVIVE THE LEGALESE TRAPS THEY ARE TRYING TO BURY ME ALIVE WITH!"

"HEEEELP!"

"P-Princess please control yourself!" Twilight said while trying dislodging the distraught Sun Alicorn.

"WAAAAAAAAAH!"

It took an hour for Buck to walk the last two meters between him and the Mirror to finally use the portal hidden inside and visiting the world that was waiting for him on the other side…

Two weeks later – Everfree Forest – Zecora's cottage -

"So it was a fluke?" the zebra asked relived as she watched her human friend sit on the usual tree stump he commandeered as his personal seat.

"Yes and no. It was a Human world...Just...It was like Equestria's Human Version, the same ponies you see here you could find there as humans, even the names were identical." Buck answered drinking the tea Zecora had prepared for the two of them.

"And on humans those names looked like the planet was inhabited just by hippies." he also mentally added.

"So it was not your home? Not even similar?" she asked again with a worried tone.

"It was similar on a lot of things, in fact, I used those two extra weeks (accompanied by Miss Twilight so that Celly would be sure I would return) to contact few people." he answered.

"For what?"

"Business." the man answered smirking.

"Business?" the zebra repeated confused.

"Let's say that they were selling some toys I REALLY wanted."

Meanwhile – Canterlot High-school -

"Misz Sunset Zhimmer?" a bald man wearing a clearly expensive Armani suit and with a thick Russian accent asked nearing the red-and-yellow-haired girl.

"Yes?" she asked back with narrowed eyes.

"My name iz Nikolai. I waz told to azk you to give message to Mister Blackbeard." the man answered looking around warily.

"Yes? What should I tell him?"

"Tell him zhat the Toyz he asked for and several cases of their ammun...Batteries vill be delivered here in a month az per our agreement. Vith many zhanks from Motherland Russia. He vill find some spezial extras for free in thanks for hiz huge payment in diamonds and picturez of pretty poniez for my daughter." he answered before walking away towards a nondescript black car.

"...Definitely a weapons dealer...Meh! Smuggling illegal weapons is not the worst I have done in my life, truth be told." the young girl said shrugging before hurrying to History Lesson.

Back in Equestria -

"No real lead in sending you back, then?" Zecora then asked looking at her cup.

"Zec? What do you want to ask? What do you REALLY want from me?" Buck asked sighing while looking at her intently.

To his surprise the zebra slowly walked towards him to sit on his legs, hug him tight and bury her face on his chest.

"...Please remain here, don't go back." she finally asked.

"Eh?" he asked shocked.

"Stay in Equestria, stay here with me. Don't go back...Don't leave me." she asked again.

"Zec?"

"You almost died in that world, here you live in peace, you have a nice job and friends, you have me." she said looking up at him with unshod tears in her eyes.

"I have a younger brother and a younger sister there." he countered.

"And you said you haven't talked in years! Not since your mother...Your mother..."

"We don't have a magical cure for lung cancer there."

"Then stay here! Please!"

"Why?"

"...Because I care about you." she admitted with a low voice.

"Even if we are different species?" the man asked chuckling softly and burying his face in her mane as he finally hugged her back.

"Race is nothing but details, nothing change with either wings or horn or hands or tails! Matters of skin won't change the heart lying behind, even if one is a zebra and the other a human, we share a similar mind..." she muttered.

"..." At that Buck stood a little in silence as he thought about his home back on Earth.

His father was a retired colonel left forgotten in a retirement home too out of his mind in PTSD and Dementia to even remember how to care for himself, his mother died when he himself had turned fifteen and had to be the man of the house and raise his brother and sister ever since then.

And about his brothers: those two barely talked to him because just like they didn't like his choice of career in the Army, Buck himself didn't like how they wasted their life living as a housewife with four kids and a good-for-nothing husband working as a cheap car salesman and a brother living as a leech out of their father's pension...Women were non-existent in his life as well since the last one decided she wouldn't wait for Buck to be back from a mission before moving to another man…Maybe Equestria truly was his best option, but he still felt conflicted.

Should he stay? Should he move on from Earth and moved definitely to Equestria? Should he start anew? If they think him dead MAYBE his sister will see some more money to help her along, granted this only if his younger brother will not suck those money up as well...He honestly didn't know what to do.

As his hug grew just a tiny bit tighter making Zecora show a small smile as she snuggled closer to him.

"I care about you too, Zec. So for now, I am staying." Buck finally said.

"Okay..." she muttered.

"..."

"..."

"...Can we...Can we stay like this a little longer?" she asked shyly.

"..."

"...Okay, just tell me when to stop."

"Of course."

The hug continued for a pretty long time, not that either of the two minded.

The aftermath series: Blackbeard.

AJ was bucking trees next to her brother when the stallion once again broke into blinding smiles and giggles while blushing deep-red.

"Eeeyup! Wonderful daaaay!" he sang merrily.

"That's it! Ah need a pause!" she bellowed annoyed as she dropped the bucking to march towards Sugarcube Corner.

Few minutes later -

"Every darn day the same! This' getting ridiculous!" the mare growled as she dropped down a chair to violently attack the slice of cake she ordered.

"What happened, dearie?" Mrs. Cake asked confused.

"BigMac is still all giddy over Miss Cheerilee. Ah swear if he sings again about the two of them bucking Ah will neuter him!" the mare answered furious, too angry to notice the stallions sitting at the table behind her leaning closer to listen.

"Your brother had a Heart Song...About him and Cheerilee...Mating?" the old mare asked blushing.

"Eeyup! He came home singin' and dancin' about it, every sordid detail and pervert thing they did, he sang aloud and danced 'bout it. Ah barely covered Bloom's ears in time before she could listen." AJ answered.

"It is strange."

"It's that human's fault." the farm mare answered bitterly.

"Blackie? How?" Cup Cake asked making the eavesdropping stallions almost fall from their chairs with how much the three of them were leaning forward.

"BigMac said that the massages always put him and Cheerilee in da mood, then da bucking becomes legendary because they are too darn horny tha think straight." AJ answered gagging in disgust.

"Every time?" Mrs. Cake asked in disbelief.

"Eeyup, he says it makes her keep goin' and goin' like possessed, like she needed buckin' to live; and that his thing simply doesn't go down, ever...Or so he kept singin' about..." AJ answered disgusted.

"MY BACK HURTS SO MUCH!" the first stallion said aloud with wide eyes.

"AND I THINK I SPRAYED A HOOF!" the second added.

"I...I...I LEFT THE BED IN THE OVEN!" the third, notoriously bad at coming-up with excuses, said as the three stallions ran outside towards Buck's massage parlor in great hurry.

"Oh dear, they heard us..." Mrs. Cake said surprised.

"Like hay I care." AJ answered.

"Anything else to add?" the old mare asked sighing as more and more ponies ran outside.

"Yeah, the Tap Dancing number of Mac's song sucked." the other answered.

The next day – Buck's Massage Parlor -

The man was yawning loudly as he made his way towards his shop to open when he saw an HUGE crowd waiting for him.

"HERE HE IS!" a mare said in clear happiness as the horde surrounded him.

"ME! MASSAGE ME!" a perfectly fine young mare begged.

"NO! MASSAGE MY HUSBAND! HE HAS A BROKEN HOOF!" another mare begged.

"THAT'S BECAUSE YOU BROKE IT JUST TO DRAG ME HERE, YOU WHORSE!" her husband answered furious.

"I can't-" Buck tried saying.

"MASSAGE ME! I NEED IT THE MOST! MY HUSBAND CAN'T GIVE ME PROPER ORGASMS!" another begged in need.

"HEY!"

"Today the shop is-"

"OH, SHUT UP! I HEARD HIS MASSAGES LEAVE YOU TINGLY ALL-OVER! YOU HAVE YET TO MAKE ME NOT YAWN WHILE WE ARE BUCKING, LET ALONE LEAVE ME TINGLY!"

"THAT IS SO NOT TRUE!"

"I-I-I am sorry...B-But today is-"

"STAND BACK!" Shining Armour bellowed as he and a dozen guards cut through the sea of ponies to make room for Celestia.

"The Princess!?" the horde screamed as one.

"As I was trying to say: today the parlor will be closed for the whole day, Celestia has reserved the whole place for herself and the Elements." Buck finally get to say.

"WHAT?!" the crowd asked in horror.

"Private party, people! Go back to your jobs and/or houses and try again tomorrow." Shining Armour said as the soldiers moved to forcefully disperse the crowd.

"Also...Cadence asked me to thank you for...you know..." the Captian muttered with a crimson blush.

"Making you and her go at it like drunk monkeys?" Buck asked smirking.

"That. Very much that...How do you do it?" Shining asked incredulous.

"I know that if I go all the way you ponies orgasm, so I learned to tell when that is about to happen and I stop before that; repeat it a dozen times and in the end both mare or stallion are foaming at the mouth for release, then I just point them towards their loved ones...And you do the rest." he answered proudly.

"It works darn well, darn well indeed."

"So I need to schedule you and her again for next week?"

"Twice a month would be ideal, if you don't mind." the stallion answered shyly.

"Talk to the mare at the counter, she will sign you and Cadence up."

"Thank you." Shining answered with a small bow.

"Aaah! I love my job! It gives me a lot of satisfaction knowing I am helping people." Buck muttered to himself while stretching as he prepared for his new challenge.

He had six mares and an Alicorn to help relax and he never liked to do a sloppy job, he had a reputation to defend after all!

Aftermath Series: Discord and Luna-

Everfree Forest - Zecora's cottage -

Both zebra and human were slowly cataloging boxes upon boxes of military-grade weapons, ammunition, grenades, components, Kevlar vests and shields and other deadly amenities that by human laws was pretty illegal to posses.

"You sure you will need all this stuff?" Zecora asked while finally closing the lead of the shotgun shells case she had been checking.

"Most of it it's for mere collecting, the rest it's for me to use to defend the people I most care about...ESPECIALLY the striped wonder I like the most." Buck answered smirking at her blushing.

"Thank you." she answered shyly before growing curious at the new item on her list.

"What's this?" she asked looking at the long object prompted vertically against a group of boxes.

"Aah! That's an iconic one! I bought a few just for fun: RPG-7. It's a portable, reusable, unguided, shoulder-launched, anti-tank rocket-propelled grenade launcher. You can see it in almost every work of fiction back on Earth, just do not touch it, they mistakenly loaded it with a rocket already." Buck answered while looking at the weapon with a fond smile.

"Armed? What do you-FWOSH!" she asked while poking it with a hoof causing it to shot upward making the missile disappear behind the horizon soon followed by a far-away explosion.

"..."

"..."

"...Ops?" Zecora tried saying with a nervous laugh.

"...We'll mark that one as 'very sensible trigger'. Let's hope nobody was hurt, but, just in case, I say we trust the Russian to give me everything I ordered and hurry-up burying this stuff where we decided so if people ask we saw and did NOTHING." Buck answered with a pale face as he slammed shut the case he was checking to take a shovel.

"Well said!" Zecora, she too panicking just as much as him, answered as both started digging as fast as they could.

They really hoped nopony was hurt in that explosion.

Landing point of the missile – center of the small crater -

"Coff! Coff!" Luna, her fur blackened by soot and with the tip of her horn sporting a little flame, coughed as the smoke of the explosion that caught her and Discord fully finally dispersed.

"Cough! I say we take a small pause in our planning..." The Draconequus said faintly as his body comically turned into a small mount of ashes with his two eyes resting on top.

"Okay. Five minutes break." the Moon Alicorn conceded as she too fell to the side fainting.

Luckily exception made for those two pretty-much-immortal beings, nobody else got caught in the violent explosion of the wayward missile Zecora misfired, even if by sheer luck it also stopped one of their MANY nefarious plots against the poor masseur.

End of the Aftermath side.