Equus Bravo - Bitalty - Roam - Royal Knight’s Office

Sir Haysworth looked at the three bipedal creatures before him. Two of them squirmed in their chairs which were made . The one named Mackey, being 6’3” (190cm), couldn’t find a comfortable spot in his, so the freakishly tall Wright, being 8’ (244cm), kept slipping out of her chair. The short one named Stein (5’3” or 152cm) claimed to ‘not know what the fuss was all about’ and laughed at their glares.

The three had arrived in Bitalty via the Pony Express 999, which the Buffalo Bandits had attacked. The Buffalo Bandits, as the name suggested, were an all buffalo group of criminals who had taken to robbing trains and pillaging towns, including towns populated mostly by other buffalo. It was not abnormal for herd species to form exclusive groups like this for good or ill. Where Equestria would have turned a blind eye to crime like this as long as everything turn out well, Bitalty didn’t share in the utopic (some would call naive) ideals of the pony diarchy to the north. As a result, the Royal Knights had taken everyone on the train in for questioning. This led to Sir Haysworth’s interrogation of these three.

“This interrogation will be monitored by my colleague Dame Honest Penny who is adept with truth spells. If you lie, we will know about it and will be considered in contempt of the Royal Knights of Bitalty. Is that understood?”

The three nodded to Sir Haysworth explanation. Dame Honest Penny’s horn activated, indicating that they were under a truth spell. It wasn’t the first time they seen this, but that only made the three more anxious as they all remembered what happened the last time they were interrogated like this.

“Good, would you start by stating your birth name and profession for the record.”

They all did so, but a spark from Dame Penny’s horn indicated Autumn had lied.

“Her real name is Luther Wright,” Doctor Stein apologized. “Professor Wright felt that name didn’t fit her, so she adopted the new name Autumn.”

“Is this so?”

Professor Autumn Wright nodded. There was no response from the truth spell, so Sir Haysworth continued his interrogation.

“You know that you don’t have to answer for your colleagues, Doctor Stein.”

“I am their legal counsel here. Unless they have to answer for a very specific question, I will do so on their behalf. We all know what we each other did on the train. Any question you could ask them, I should be able to answer as well.”

“You know that legal representation is usually reserved for busy diplomats, governmental bodies, and sufficiently large organization?” the interrogator informed them.

“We didn’t know that. Where we come from, everyone has a legal representative speak on their behalf due to the complexity of our laws.”

“Is okay that he represent you?”

The other two nodded.

After his success at getting around a truth spell with Queen Chrysalis, they agreed the professor of twentieth century philosophy would represent them. Doctor Stein had gotten dressed in the most stereotypical lawyer outfit he could imagine and completed it with a briefcase. He had taken out some very official looking papers from it. He would shuffle and straighten them out periodically. Doctor Stein had insisted it was all very customary and important. The fine white printing paper had at least impressed the Knights. Sir Haysworth didn’t know all of this naturally.

“Before we talk about what happened on the train, we would like to know more about you three. First, what are you?”

“We are humans.”

“What are humans?”

“Humans are a kind of nothing,” Doctor Stein replied, channeling his inner Jean-Paul Sartre. Doctor Mackey groaned since he had a decade of hearing this kind of madness from his colleague back at the university.

“You are humans and humans are nothing…, so you are telling me you three are nothing.”

“Pretty much. Any other questions.”

The knight turned to his colleague whose horn hadn’t reacted at all. She swore the doctor wasn’t lying as far as she could tell. Dr. Stein smirked triumphantly while they weren’t looking. When Sir Haysworth returned his attention to the man before him, the philosopher was back to his ‘lawyer’ face.

“Would you please explain?”

“Well, imagine you cut off my arm.” The knights paled at the horrid thought but nodded nonetheless. Even though they see a lot more action in Bitatly than Equestria, they were still ponies. “Without my arm, I am still me right? Keep cutting me up if you will. Also strip me of my name and titles, I still exist despite this. You will never remove the piece that is ‘who I am.’ Since there is no thing that is me, I and my friends, by extension, are nothing. We call that nothing ‘human.’”

The philosopher showed remarkable restraint, relatively speaking, by not involving Heidegger and his concepts of dasein and mitdasein.

The knight waited a few moments to process what had been said. It wasn’t that it was too profound or too complex for him, but rather he hadn’t expected to hear this kind of talk in an interrogation.

“Sir Knight, I may make a suggestion,” Doctor Stein offered. “You should be more specific with your questions as I cannot know what you want to know.”

“...Yes, allow me to rephrase the question. What is your species called?”

“Human.” The knight’s eye twitched. Dame Honest Penny put even more magic into her lie detection spell. “Or if you want to be more specific, homo sapiens sapiens. It means very wise man.”

“What is a man?”

“A person.” The term person was the generic term for all sapient species on Equus.

“Does your species have any other name to go by?”

“Probably but I don’t know them. Our species didn’t think we would have to be any more specific than ‘a being that can think’ when describing what we are.”

There was a long pause before Sir Haysworth spoke. This was painful for everyone other than Doctor Stein who loved moment of it.

“The reason I asked is that some of the passengers said they saw you transform into these.” The knight presented the group with drawings of menacing bug ponies with sharp fangs and perforated hooves. “Do these look familiar to you?”

“No.”

“Are you telling me you have never seen these before?”

“Yes.”

“Have you ever heard of changelings before?”

“Yes.”

“Do you know what changelings look like?”

“Yes.”

“Are these drawings accurate?”

“....Yes.”

“...Then why the buck, ahem, then why did you say that you hadn’t seen them before.”

“Because I hadn’t.”

“Hadn’t what?”

“Hadn’t seen them.”

“The changelings?”

“No.”

“What specifically did you not see then?”

“The pictures. You asked if they were familiar to me, and I said they were not. I never seen the drawings before in my life.”

Both the interrogator and Doctor Mackey groaned. Professor Wright laughed though. She had gotten used to the rockstar professor’s antics during their time on the road together selling tickets. It wasn’t annoying to her after the dryad had figured out it was fun to figure out what he meant. It was like solving a puzzle and it had helped her sharpen her mind and use of the English language.

“Doctor Stein, you might come from a distant land, but please try to be cooperative.”

“I assure you that I will try my best.”

“Thank you. So are you or are you not a changeling?”

“Yes — Ouch!” Doctor Mackey gave his colleague a ‘playful’ jab to the ribs for his logician’s answer. This was also a ‘playful’ reminder that his body was not as reinforced as the culinary specialist’s. “I am a changeling.”

“Then why didn’t you tell me you were a changeling before.”

“I honestly forgot.”

“You forgot you were a changeling.”

“Well, you spend your whole life as something else, you can forget. If someone asks me who I am, I just think ‘human’ first. Sometimes I just call it ‘that bug form’ as I don’t associate myself with it at all. I doubt that your lie detector would call me out if I said ‘I am not a changeling.’”

Dame Honest Penny got no reaction.

Sir Haysworth had heard changelings were shapeshifters. It was strange, but he could imagine that if one stayed disguised as another species long enough, he might forget that he was a changeling.

“I am sorry for losing my temper. I should be considerate to your unique circumstances and ask clearer questions. We have reports of your kind wiping out whole villages in Turkey and Purrsia. Do you know anything about this?”

“Only by word of mouth. We were neither part of those events or would have wanted to be. We find the loss of innocent life abhorrent and want to give our fair share or more to making the world a better place. In fact, the one we believe responsible for those crimes is the reason why we are trying to get to Equestria. We want to have as much distance between us and that witch as we can get.”

This was the most useful information the interrogator had gotten of him. “What is her, this witch’s name? Do you have any relation to her?”

“Her name is Queen Chrysalis. Before you ask, her intentions are pretty much conquer everything in sight. We recommend being on the lookout for her. As for the relation to her, none of us knew about her-” A spark came from the dame’s horn, surprising everyone, especially the caster of the lie detection spell. “-Allow me to rephrase that. None of us thought her real until we met her.”

“So she was just a story to you and your colleagues?”

“Yes. The kind for children. That was until we found out she was real. We only met for a few minutes and hated every moment of it. We had to leave her as fast as possible to keep our lives.”

“Is there anything else you want to tell us? This could be very helpful for apprehending this criminal.”

“She aims to keep moving north.” His eyes glowed green for a moment before answering. “I can’t say anything more and I would if I just could.” Doctor Stein looked like he was about to cry.

“We understand. I can imagine that it must have been tough for you, all of you, to encounter such a heinous villain.”

“Thanks, your sympathy is appreciated, Sir Knight.”

“However, this brings us to the real reason you are here. We have conflicting reports. Some say the bandits work for a buffalo named Heavy Hoof. Other say they work for you guys. Neither is lying. So which is it?”

“They definitely worked for Heavy Hoof. No bandits work or have worked for us.”

“Worked?” The Knight was catching on.

“Some didn’t seem as eager to work for their boss after we subdued them.”

“And you just want me to believe they just betrayed boss like that?”

“Is it so hard to believe that they wanted to change their ways?” Professor Wright interjected. “They really looked like they had a change of heart. You are a pony. You should understand the importance of giving ponies a second chance.”

They weren’t ponies, but Sir Haysworth conceded the point to the tall dryad as she slipped from her chair for the eighth time. He thought about his interrogation of the twelve buffalo that had a ‘change of heart’. He had given them all the same bargain. If they can point out the real boss, they have their sentences reduced. He even offered some of them a reduced sentence if they could show that the changelings were the real masterminds. None of them budged or even tried lying. All of them had pointed to Heavy Hoof. The big buffalo boss, many of his remaining bandits, and many of the passengers had pointed a hoof at the changelings.

After a few thoughtful hums and chin rubs, the pony knight finished the interrogation. It wasn’t a moment too late as the unicorn had almost run out of magic for her spell.

Equus Bravo - Bitalty - Roam - Some Resturant

After their time with the knights, the trio had gone out for lunch. Bodo had ordered a gyro, Thomas a caesar salad, and Autumn spaghetti. Despite from the vegetarian adjustments, they half expected to all wake up back on earth finding it was all just a dream. The professors each took a bite in their food and frowned. Thomas was already frowning, but before it was because of Bodo’s performance as lawyer, now it was because of the food.

“Tastes like nothing,” the classical philosopher stated for everyone at the table. He already knew this would happen, but tried nonetheless. Changelings apparently could eat food, but the fire in their bellies could eat consume anything. If everything is equally good, even rocks, then there is no reason to develop tastebuds. The big deal was didn’t refill their magic though, and they needed magic to survive.

“Let me try something,” Bodo said with his brow furrowed for the most pleasant activity: contemplation. After a moment, he took a bite and shuddered in ecstasy.

“What did you do?” Thomas asked.

“Illmftn Magugh.” He swallowed. “Illusion magic. I am telling my body that this vegetarian gyro (how is such a thing possible, by the way?) tastes like the best one I can remember. That means meat.”

“Do me,” Autumn almost shouted. After the philosopher indicated he had, she took a bite of pasta and made a weird face. “...Would you make it taste like pasta please?”

“Sorry, it is hard to do two meals at the same time. Anyways, why don’t you make yourself a tongue that can taste. Test out that power of mimicry.”

The dryad did just that, which left Thomas without the joy of tasting food. He shouldered the burden silently like the stoic he was. (That didn’t stop him from grumbling on the inside though.)

“So what did you find out in the book?” Autumn inquired at Thomas. The book she was referring to was How to Become Wise by Puddinghead. When Autumn and Bodo had gone to sell tickets in other towns in the Minos Peninsula, the former culinary specialist had read the book between cooking lessons for the Ionians.

“First, could you tell me who Puddinghead is to your knowledge?” Thomas asked in return.

After chewing and swallowing, she answered. (She wasn’t a savage like Bodo.) “Well, not much. She is a character that appears in the Equestrian origin myth that they tell during Hearth's Warming, which is their version of Christmas or whatever. Puddinghead is the leader of the earth ponies and is pretty random and foolish. She doesn’t listen to her advisor and almost dooms her people to freeze to death.”

The man considered her words for a few moments.

“Is that not the impression you got from the book?” she questioned.

“No. She came across as a fairly competent leader if a bit eccentric. I would say she had a fairly robust argument hedonism and democracy. It was like reading Epicurus and Lucretius but with pony puns.”

“Hedonism? Like she was sex-crazed glutton?”

“Again, no. Real hedonism, the philosophy, does say the true good is pleasure, but hedonists like Puddinghead advocate moderation. After all, hangovers are not very pleasant. A good example of her philosophy comes from this quote-” he pulled out the book and turned to a bookmarked page. “-‘To find the utmost happiness from simple and common pleasures, that is the life. Not only will you be able to find happiness easily, but it will be hard for fate (or the Princesses) to deprive you from it.’ In other words, she thinks people shouldn’t accustom themselves to luxuries as common things are more plentiful.

“This fits her autobiographical portion. It details how she led her people through a famine and the following long winter where most of the earth ponies sold everything to just survive.”

The ‘Princesses’ could only refer to two ponies. “What else does she say about Celestia and Luna?” Autumn asked.

“That they were usurpers with too much sympathy for unicorns, wanted Equestria to be a monarchy just like the unicorns believe in, and would bring an end to the democratic self-governance of the earth ponies. Oh, and the Princesses would enstate a unicorn nobility.”

“That isn’t completely true,” the dryad countered. “Equestrians still have democratic elections at least on the local level and in earth pony villages. However, the rest is pretty accurate.”

“Curious how both in our world and this one, the hedonists went down in history as fools,” Thomas commented off-handedly. “Anyways, do you think we can use this information in Equestria?”

“Perhaps, what do you think, Bodo?”

The changeling in question didn’t respond. He had just finished his gyro. He wore the decadent smile on his messy face while he patted his belly. There was a word for people like him.

Equus Bravo - Bitalty - Roam - Train Station

After being waylaid in Roam for a day, the former professors returned to their passenger cabin on the pony express. Away from the prying eyes of the public, Thomas decided to express some of his opinions while rubbing his temples with his gloved hands.

“Jiminy Crickets, what were those creatures?” the usually calm man asked half-rhetorically.

“Ponies,” Autumn offered.

“They were all in bright colors.”

“I did call them pastel-colored ponies.”

“I didn’t know what that meant at the time. Being that brightly colored means that they don’t fear predators, and that usually means they are poisonous.”

“Or just really dangerous,” Bodo added.

“And lordy, their eyes. They’re so big that I wonder how they have any room for their brains.”

“Some have suggested they have eye-discs instead of round eyes like ours,” the dryad mentioned.

“Anyways, my point is these ponies look nothing like the ponies on earth. To even call them ponies makes no sense to me.”

“I find it strange you think earth ponies and ponies don’t look anything alike. There are only small differences between the three tribes like shape of our eyes or the width of our hooves, if you exclude the wings and horn.”

The one who had spoken was a familiar red-brown unicorn mare with a cream-colored mane. (Autumn had privately nicknamed her 'Epona'.) The armored pony had come into their cabin while no one was looking. The three didn’t know how much she had overheard, but any amount was enough to put them on edge. As to this point, they hadn’t really considered the danger of eavesdroppers.

“Welcome to our cabin, Dame Honest Penny,” Thomas greeted while the other two were recovering from their shock. “I don’t remember inviting you in.”

“The door was unlocked and slightly ajar, so I thought it fine to enter.”

“So what do we owe the pleasure?” the yuppie changeling asked.

“I am to stay with you. As a Royal Knight, it is my duty to protect innocents, and since you told us your lives are in danger by a wanted criminal, I have come to protect you. You three will be in my sights until the situation with Chrysalis is dealt with.”

Dame Honest Penny lied. She had decided to follow the three because the knight didn’t trust them. Doctor Stein’s answers had effectively probed the limits of her lie detection spell, finding several loopholes in the process. It had humiliated her. No true Royal Knight would stand their honor being tarnished like this. On top of that the betrayal of the twelve checked out, but their extreme loyalty to the one they called ‘Master Mackey’ didn’t match up. Somepony couldn’t both be very loyal and commit betrayal like this. Plus, loyalty like this takes time. The knight would know. With her honor and their bogus betrayal story in mind, the Lady Knight followed had made a request to watch over them.

“Are you going to be making reports back to the Royal Knights of Bitalty while you are with us?” Thomas inquired.

“Naturally, after all, you might remember something useful for the investigation of Chrysalis.”

Bodo and Autumn’s eyes flashed green while Thomas’s burned like embers. The stern man’s glove started to crumble away in flames, revealing fingers of chitinous black. Bodo held the other philosophers arm to calm him down, whispering something into his ears.

Suddenly, a feeling the royal knight had only felt when confronting large predators like manticores assailed her. A less trained pony would have fled and pissed themselves. This only made the mare more excited. She wanted action, and more importantly, the truth. She was Dame Honest Penny after all, the strongest unicorn and most accomplished knight in the Royal Knights of Bitalty.

“This won’t be a problem, will it?” the knight asked, casually straightening her armor. They could all see a magical gemstone in it that resembled the ones the bandits had for anti-magic but far more elegant and expensive looking. The changelings assumed it was more powerful or multi-purpose too. It might even be able to tell the royal knights if anything happen to her, which would mean another investigation. That would lead to more wasted time not conquering Equestria.

“Not at all, Lady Knight,” Thomas stated.

The knight closed the door behind her and sat next to them.

“Good because it would be a shame if I had to take Doctor Stein in for impersonating a Royal Knight. That is a serious crime with at least a five year prison sentence, and three for those harboring them. Also we Royal Knights have the jurisdiction to chase down and apprehend criminals in Prance and Equestria granted they committed their crimes in Bitalty.”

Two of them remembered when Bodo paraded through the the passenger cars of the train as a holy knight. Autumn, who only heard about it afterwards, had half-expected him to have praised the sun. It would have been glorious. At this point, dread seeped into them and all the mirth was gone.

“That would be a shame,” Thomas said in his practiced polite voice he gained under his parent's tutelage. “Please, if there is anything we can do for you, Lady Knight, don’t hesitate to ask.”

With that, the train signaled that the train was about to take off. Dame Honest Penny took the window seat much to a certain philosopher’s humiliation.

Author's Note

For more on the prisoner dilemma, click this link.