Fluttershy and the Janitor

The next day, Rainbow Dash was quite pleased with herself. She was absolutely sure that the police she had called anonymously would have arrested Discord and hauled him off to pedo-jail. They might even have tased him. She really hoped they tased him.

Her surprise was impressive, therefore, when she turned a corner in the school and found Discord standing waist-deep in a hole he was digging.

“Y- -you!” she cried. “What are you doing here! You’re supposed to be in pedo-jail!”

Discord leaned over the handle of his shovel and grinned at her. “Why would I be in jail? I’m an upstanding, respectable citizen. I’ve never once broken the law.” A halo appeared over his head, which was actually him holding part of a pipe fitting with one of his arms behind his back. “I’m positively an angel!”

“But- -but- -”

Rainbow Dash sputtered, and Discord sighed.

“Yes, well, I’m sure you have something TERRIBLY important to say to me. Like demanding I clean up yet another one of your messes or ‘actually put toilet paper in the bathroom’. But right now, I have important work to do.”

With that, he sunk deep into the hole that he had been digging. Rainbow Dash stamped over to it, intending to pull him out, but saw that it led to nothing but a dark abyss below. She had no idea where he had gone, or even what he had been standing on.

Rainbow Dash moved extremely quickly. It was actually one of her defining characteristics. Within seconds, she had made her way back to the room where her friends were sharing their lunch over a discussion of their next band’s proposed song.

“It didn’t work!” she cried.

“Oh,” said Twilight, “I thought a third chorus would balance it out pretty well…”

“Not that! Discord! He’s still here! You’re stupid brother didn’t arrest him!”

“Arrest him?” Sunset stood up. “You called the cops?”

“Of course I called the cops! He’s molesting Fluttershy, and he was going to- -”

A knock came at the door, and it was pushed open from outside. Fluttershy stepped into the room.

“Sorry I’m late,” she said. “I needed to help Discord with something. He said he just needed to be inside a deep, warm hole, so I did what I could.”

“He could have asked me,” muttered Pinkie Pie. “I love deep warm holes.” She paused, and then whispered under her breath, “so does Rainbow Dash.” Pinkie Pie then giggled to herself.

“Fluttershy!” said Rainbow Dash. “You’re okay!”

Fluttershy blinked. “Why wouldn’t I be, Rainbow Dash?”

“Well, it’s just that, well, last night- -”

“You mean when I took on an entire group of men at once?”

The entire room gaped.

“You didn’t,” said Rarity. “Fluttershy, that’s too much, you wouldn’t- -you COULDN’T- -”

“Oh. Well, I did. I made almost six hundred dollars. And these things.” Fluttershy produced the two kiwi creatures from her pockets. One waved.

“Hewwo, nice wady Fwutty-shy fwends!” it peeped.

Fluttershy put them back in her pockets. “I had no idea making so much money was so easy! Or so fun…”

“But…the police,” said Rainbow Dash. “They didn’t- -”

“Oh, they showed up. Actually, your brother was there, Twilight.”

“Shiny?” said Twilight, confused.

“And they didn’t stop you?” asked Rarity.

“Oh no. In fact, they joined in.”

Twilight gaped. “Shin…Shining Armor…”

“Your brother was REALLY good, Twilight,” said Fluttershy. “Oh. And his nightstick was really impressive, too. He let me hold it. It was so long and hard. I hadn’t seen any other than Discord’s until then, and his is short but really thick.” Fluttershy shrugged. “But I guess in the end they work for the same purpose, right?”

Twilight at this point was sputtering. “But…Cadence…”

“Actually, he said Cadence can come by next time. I think that will be fun. Supposedly she’s even better than me, and has played with lots more men. And a few women.”

“But my sister in law…she can’t…she …” Twilight fell silent.

“Did Discord say anything about me?” asked Pinkie Pie. “About how, you know, cute I am, and how much he secretly wants to bake my pie?”

“I don’t know if Discord likes pie,” said Fluttershy. “And it would be weird if he thought you were cute. You’re really young.”

“But…I’m only a year younger than you!”

Fluttershy’s phone suddenly rang. She pulled it out of her pocket. “Excuse me,” she said. “Hello, this is Fluttershy, please don’t yell at me or I’ll cry.” She paused, and her eyes widened. “What? He ate an entire- -the whole thing? But how- -yes…yes, Dr. Fauna, I’ll be right there.” Fluttershy hung up and turned to her friends. “I have to go. Benjamin just ate…well, I don’t want to say, but he was a very bad little rattie. Socrates managed to get him to the doctor, but I need to get over there right now!”

“For a rat?”

“For a rat!” tears welled in Fluttershy’s eyes. “The poor little guy! I’m sorry!”

She ran out of the room, leaving her friends alone.

The stood in silence, and slowly, Rainbow Dash turned to her friends. “I…I tried,” she said. “Twilight, it looks like your brother’s in on it too.”

“But my Shiny…he can’t…oh Celestia, what will I tell Cadence?”

“That it’s her turn next, apparently,” said Pinkie. “I always thought Fluttershy had a screw loose, but I didn’t know that she was actually LOOSE.”

“Franky,” said Applejack, who had been standing in the corner in shock, “I don’t even know what to say…”

“I do!” said Rarity. “This is the last straw! I had hoped not to have to do this, but she’s forced my hand!”

“You’re finally going to talk to Principal Celestia? Or even the other one?” asked Sunset.

“No!” Rarity whipped out her phone. “I’m going to call Fluttershy’s mother!”

“Are you kidding me?” said Rainbow Dash. “Have you met Fluttershy’s parents? They’re even more passive than she is!”

“Not that mother,” said Rarity.

Rainbow Dash’s eyes widened. “No. You can’t! Where did you even- -”

“On a note on her refrigerator.”

“You’re calling Fluttershy’s biological mother,” said Applejack. “Rarity, are you sure?”

“More sure than I have ever been about anything ever since I was sure that plaid shorts were absolutely hideous.” Rarity typed the number into her phone and held it to her ear.

It rang for a moment, and Rarity feared for a moment that no one would pick up. After a moment, though, a voice answered. The woman on the other line spoke with a low, sultry voice that immediately made several parts of Rarity’s body quiver. She did not sound at all like Fluttershy.

“Hello?” said the voice on the other line.

“Hello. I would like to speak to S. Veil please.”

“You are speaking to her. I find it odd that a teenage girl is calling me. But I’m not complaining. For now.”

Rarity shivered, not knowing how S. Veil knew that she was teenage. “It’s about your daughter, Fluttershy.”

There was silence on the other side of the phone. “You didn’t kill her, did you?”

Rarity gasped. “No, not at all!”

“Then why are you wasting my time?”

“Well, Ms. Veil, I have information that…that she might be…” Rarity took a deep breath, “that she is being repeatedly violated by our school janitor!”

There was silence on the line. Then came laughter.

“HA!” cried the voice, suddenly sounding far more harsh than before. “SO! My little fatty finally got laid! I didn’t think she had it in her!”

Rarity sputtered. “But- -but- -she’s your daughter!”

“No shyte! I was there when I pushed her out of me! But I figured that that flutterface would never managed to actually get a man to even think about touching her, let alone cramming her! I mean, have you seen her? She’s ugly and fat. Ugh. Worst daughter ever.”

Rarity had started to turn red. Her friends did not know what was being said on the other side of the phone. “You- -you are a terrible person!”

“I’m not a person, but that’s beside the point.”

“You know she’s seventeen!”

“So? I was about that age when I gave birth to her father.”

Rarity cringed so hard she nearly dropped the phone. Mentally, she wished that the person on the other line was joking- -but from the tone in her voice, she knew that she was not.

“That said,” said S. Veil, “maybe she can be useful for once in her life and pump me out some grandchildren. Who would also be my great grandchildren at the same time. You know what they say, incest is wincest. Which isn’t true. It ends up making, well, you’ve seen Fluttershy. Don’t do it.”

“You- -you- -”

S. Veil sighed. “And to be honest? Knowing that failure, I’d bet this is a ‘loving, caring relationship’. I didn’t get where I am today with ‘loving’ or ‘caring’. I got here by…well, offing everyone in my way, really. But that’s business. Fluttershy isn’t like that. She’s probably ‘in love’. And as much as I abhor the concept, who are we to deny that?”

Rarity paused. “Do…do you really think that?”

“You mean do I think he’s forcing her. No. She is my daughter. And my granddaughter. She’s slow, but she can be assertive when she needs to be. So yes. I really do think that.”

“I never thought of it that way…”

“That said, Rarity, you’ve been applying for an internship in my company, is that right?”

Rarity’s eyes widened. “How do you know my name?”

“Because I like them young and white. Congratulations. You’re approved. You start in November.” She paused. “And wear that skirt. But just know you won’t be wearing it for very long.”

“How…how do you know what I’m wearing?”

“Look behind you.”

Rarity did, and for a moment saw a flash of bloodshot eyes, red hair, and jaundiced yellow skin before the figure disappeared into a thick shrub. The line on her phone went dead.

Rarity turned to Rainbow Dash and took a deep breath. “Rainbow Dash,” she said. “I tried my very best.”

“At what? What did she say? Is she sending a bunch of soldiers to take Discord to FEMA camp or something?”

“No. She didn’t. She isn’t going to do anything.”

Rainbow Dash’s jaw dropped.

“But- -”

“You win.”

“Well, yeah, I’m Rainbow Dash, but I don’t know what that has to do with this!”

Rarity took another deep breath, and removed her diamond earrings. She handed them to Rainbow Dash.

“Um, what are you doing?”

“All my diamonds,” said Rarity, taking off her necklace. “That’s what I promised. If Fluttershy had a boyfriend before you. That was the bet. And I am a lady of my word.”

“Boyfriend?! He isn’t her boyfriend!”

Rarity reached high up under her sweater and removed two more rings. Then she removed her naval piercing and gave it to Rainbow Dash.

“How many of those do you have?” asked Applejack.

“Just one more,” said Rarity, reaching down the waistband of her skirt. She winced, and then removed one final ring, removing it and dropping it in Rainbow Dash’s hand. “You may want to wash that one before you use it yourself.”

“I don’t believe this!” cried Rainbow Dash.

“Um, it was kind of obvious,” said Sunset. “I mean, she told us she was getting it pierced like, four months ago- -”

“Not that! That you’re just giving up like that!” Rainbow Dash stormed toward the door. “I don’t believe this! You’re just giving up on Fluttershy like that! Well FINE! I’ll take care of this myself!”

They all watched her go, and Twilight slid off of where she was sitting. “I have something I can try too,” she said. “Just to be sure.” She ran toward the door, leaving the others behind.

“Well, great,” said Sunset. “There goes our song.”

“I just can’t believe Rarity had piercings in her ni- -,” started Pinkie Pie.

“It’s not that uncommon,” said Rarity, looking at Applejack who blushed slightly. “A girl can never have too many diamonds. Unless it is a nose ring.” Rarity shivered. “Or even worse…an eyebrow piercing. As long as Fluttershy does not end up wearing either of those abominations, I think I can tolerate her relationship. As disgusting as it may be.”

Twilight was a remarkably rational girl. There were many things she did not understand, though, and the largest among them was social interaction. It just did not make sense. However, she had acquiesced to her friends and avoided taking a logical course of action and instead done as they told her. Now, though, she wanted to at last try what she had wanted to do from eh start.

To this end, she found herself sitting in the a chair in front of a desk in a small, stuffy office. The blinds on the windows were closed, letting in only a tiny amount of light. Across from her sat Vice Principal Luna, the head of all disciplinary action in all of Canterlot High. She did not look happy at all, but she never really did. Everyone on the campus was afraid of her.

Twilight sat in silence after she had informed Luna of the situation. Luna sat, staring through the darkness of the room. Her eyes almost seemed luminescent. Then, slowly, she adjusted the moon pendant on her collar. Twilight found herself wondering if the rumors were true and it really was a piece of obsidian into which active diamonds had been sunk.

“I think I understand the situation,” she said at last.

“You do?”

“Yes. In fact, I believe I have a fundamental understanding of her emotional state.”

“From your experience in psychology?”

“My experience is in art. And conquest.”

“Of…men?”

“Unfortunately, no. They apparently consider me ‘dark’ and ‘gloomy’ and ‘terrifying’,” she said, rolling her eyes and making air quotes.

“I don’t know what to say to that.”

“Of course not. You’re young and pretty. But my- -I mean Fluttershy’s- -situation is different.”

“But Fluttershy is widely considered the prettiest girl in the school.” Twilight picked up her notes. “I took a poll.”

“Of course. But that doesn’t really matter, does it?”

“It doesn’t?”

“No.” Luna leaned forward. “The problem is parental involvement. You see, this is where her and I are kindred spirits. I know what it is like to be rejected by your parents. To strive every day at creating things of beauty only to have your parents full attention showered on your ‘superior’ sister. The prettier one. The more BEUTIFIUL one. To watch as they glorify every little one of her successes while completely ignoring all of your deep-seated emotional struggles and accomplishments until you eventually snap and dress in leather and join a biker gang and attempt a hostile takeover of the school only to be literally and figuratively beaten by the very woman who stole all of your parent’s love and then be forced into a little stinking office with a perfunctory administrative role because you can’t find work anywhere else with your criminal record even though you’re six years older than her and have two bachelor’s degrees while she didn’t even graduate high school- -”

By this time, Luna’s sharp nails were digging into the wood of her desk and she was starting to breathe heavily.

“Um,” said Twilight, “I don’t know if that’s what Fluttershy’s problem is…”

“Fluttershy?” Luna seemed to calm slightly. “Yes, well, no. But the problem is the same, basically. And if one of our staff is molesting one of our students we will take it very seriously. But of course I need to do a thorough investigation myself.”

“Of course. I just want to be sure she’s okay.”

“Indeed,” said Luna. “If I find something amiss, my judgement shall be swift and my retribution violent. None shall be left standing against the might of the hammer of my divine discipline!”

“O…kay?” Twilight backed up on her chair slightly, wondering if this had been such a good idea.

Luna left her office shortly after Twilight had and went down the hall. She tapped on one of the doors and then opened it.

“…and that’s why you never open a can with your eyelids,” grunted the teacher, one C.D. Donkey, or as his students called him, “Cranky Doodle Ass”. He turned to the door. “What do you want?”

“Fluttershy.”

“Well get in line, half the school does.” He pointed across the room. “Which one of you buttfaces is ‘Fluttershy’?”

Futtershy raised her hand, and Mr. Donkey pointed toward the door. Fluttershy got up and stepped outside with Luna, the door closing behind her.

“Am I in trouble?” she asked.

“No,” said Luna. She looked Fluttershy in the eye. “Have you been having sex with Discord?”

“No,” said Fluttershy.

“Excellent,” said Luna, turning and returning to her office. “Carry on with your class.”

Discord could not stop laughing. As the groundskeeper, it was his duty to keep the grounds. In pursuit of this duty, he had constructed a number of deadfall traps throughout the grounds. After his sojourn to the school’s Secret Basement (every high school had them, regardless of what the teachers said), he had retreated to the area in the front of the school where he was repainting the lawn. As he did, he watched as various students ignored his warnings (not verbal, or even written, but rather mental) to stay off the grass and fell into numerous deep holes, a few of which led to the Secret Basement itself.

It was while he was doing this that he suddenly became aware of a presence. A strange scent of bubblegum and deep-seated psychological issues wafted over the land, and Discord knew that he was not alone. Slowly, he turned around. As he did, he found a wide-eyed pink girl wearing the skimpiest clothing that the moderators would allow standing unnervingly close to him.

“You’re in my bubble,” he said.

“Not yet,” she said, grinning far more widely than any person should have been able to. “But I’d like to be.”

“I’m afraid I don’t know what that means.”

The pink girl leaned closer, and Discord took a step back. “Stranger danger!” he exclaimed. “I need an adult!”

“You are an adult,” said Pinkie Pie. “And I’m just a little teenage girl.”

“Well, it would be strange if you were in high school and not a teenager. Like that gray girl with the muffins. I’m pretty sure she’s twenty four.”

“Nope. Under eighteen. Does that turn you on?”

“Very little turns me on these days, I’m afraid,” sighed Discord. “After all, I’m quite old. At my age, the most exciting thing a man can do is go to the home improvement store and look at new lawnmowers.”

“You can cut my lawn,” said the pink girl. “You can cut it as much as you want…or let it grow long. I don’t mind it either way.” She leaned in closer. “And I promise it tastes like bubblegum.”

“Eew,” said Discord. “That’s somewhat disturbing.”

“I know you like it pink.” The girl grabbed her skirt. “I’d flash you, but standards won’t allow it. Unless, you know, you were to hit me with a weed-eater and then cover my arms and legs in spaghetti noodles. Ohhhhh spaghetti…then you could take a peek.”

“That’s oddly specific and a waste of spaghetti.”

“What, you’ve never covered a girl in spaghetti?”

“I didn’t say that, of course. But not you. That would be weird.”

The girl looked dejected. “You mean you don’t want to see what flavor my pie is?”

“Banana cream?”

The girl smiled. “It’s about to be.”

She lunged forward. Discord, with his extensive witcher training, was easily able to dodge her advance. “No thank you,” he said. “I have to watch my girlish figure.”

“Why won’t you watch MY girlish figure!” cried the girl, suddenly. “Come on! Party with me! I know you want to! Chocolate milk, cotton candy clothing, dipping in tapioca pudding! All the things my daddy would never do to me!”

Discord and the girl both looked surprised. “Um…what was that last part?”

“Nothing,” said the girl. She looked up at him. “Why Fluttershy but not me?”

“Because frankly you are creeping me out. And I once lived in a sub-basement with cockroaches so big that they ate seagulls. Until the guy who owned it found out I was living under his bed, anyway, but that’s another story. You, though, scare me.” He paused. “That, and the rules clearly state that human and anthro minors in sexual situations are strictly forbidden!”

“But you’re porking Fluttershy!”

Discord blinked. “Whoever said that?”

“I did!”

Dramatic music played from somewhere unseen, and Discord and Pinkie Pie both turned to see Rainbow Dash standing near the school flagpole.

“Where did that music come from?” asked Pinkie.

“I’ve learned to stop asking questions like that a long time ago,” said Discord.

“Pinkie Pie, step away from the pervert,” demanded Rainbow Dash.

“Okie dokie lokai,” said Pinkie, stepping sideways and immediately dropping into a deadfall trap.

“Oh my,” said Discord. “I forgot I made that one. Assuming it is one of mine.”

“Discord!” said Rainbow Dash. “I’m calling you out!”

“I must decline,” said Discord, smirking. “I’m not terribly interested in middle school girls.”

“Yes you are! And I’m not in middle school! Why would you- -” Rainbow Dash suddenly blushed and covered her chest. “You were looking at my boobs!”

“I cannot look at something that does not yet exist,” said Discord. “That’s simple physics. Now, if you would, could you explain to me why my day is going so very strangely? I was just about to paint the benches with glue…well, the rest of them.” He pointed to where Lyra and Bon Bon were both affixed to a bench, with Lyra lying down on it as though she were some sort of horse.

“You know what you did!”

“No I don’t. I know nothing. Nothing at all. Or so Socrates said. Not the philosopher. Fluttershy’s rat.”

“Fluttershy is the problem!”

Discord gasped. “That’s no way to talk about your friend!”

“That’s exactly the problem! She IS my friend, and you’re hurting her!”

Discord gasped again. “Hurting Fluttershy? You do realize that in certain dimensions that is a crime punishable by cruel death, or at the very least a thorough waxing? I would never dream of hurting my adorable little friend!”

“Liar!” Rainbow Dash’s fist clenched. “You- -you did things to her! Things that were- -were- -”

“Were what?”

Rainbow Dash gritted her teeth. She did not want to say it, but her rage got the better of her. “THAT I WAS SUPPOSED TO DO!”

The entire school- -or at least the portion that had congregated around the screaming blue girl- -stared and gawked. Even Pinkie Pie poked her head out of the deadfall trap that she had been hiding in, eating some cake that she had found in the bottom.

“Oh my,” said Discord. “Are you saying- -”

“Did the fact that I’m covered in rainbows not make it clear? Yes, I like chicks! So what? Is that wrong?”

“Not at all,” said Discord. “I like chicks as well. Especially when they are smeared in peanut butter.”

“I can be smeared in peanut butter,” whispered Pinkie Pie, stroking one of Discord’s feet.

“I had it all planned out! We were both going to turn eighteen, and on her birthday I was going to ask her to prom! She was going to say yes, and we’d go and dance and she’s wear a really pretty dress that Rarity would make for her. Then we’d go home and I’d strip that dress off, and we’d lose our virginity together and then get married! How am I supposed to do that now?!”

“I don’t think Fluttershy’s a lesbian.”

“It doesn’t matter anymore! You took all of that away from us!”

“Or do you mean from you?” Discord shrugged. “If you felt this way, it probably would have been better to declare your feelings. That’s what I do.”

` “That’s exactly the problem,” growled Rainbow Dash. She reached into her pocket and pulled out an object. There was a flick, and the metal blade of the switchblade extended.

“Whoa whoa whoa!” said Pinkie Pie, pulling herself out of the ground. “Rainbow, Rainbow, stop right there! You can’t do that!”

“Like nuts I can’t.”

“No! Seriously! You can’t have a switchblade in school! And you can’t- -Rainbow Dash, this is crazy! And I know crazy! You need to calm down!”

“I’ll calm down when I shank him in the BUTT!”

Rainbow Dash screamed and charged forward. Discord did not move. He was leaning on his shovel and yawned, not seeming to care.

Chaos ensued and ensued quickly. After two steps, Rainbow Dash stepped on a rake hidden in the grass. The handle shot up and smashed into her face.

“GAH!” she cried, stepping backward. She immediately fell backward over the handle of a wheelbarrow, and one of the bolts holding the wheel on gave way at that very moment. The wheel went rolling across the grass and up a small hill. Rainbow Dash and the wheelbarrow fell backward, and she tumbled through an open back of manure that Discord had been spreading before coming to a rest back near the flag pole.

“You did that on purpose!” she cried, trying to wipe her eyes.

“I didn’t do anything,” said Discord. He looked over his shoulder, where the wheel had rolled up the hill and was staring to come back down. “But frankly as a member of staff I feel a duty to do something about this. Having a knife in school. That’s sure to get you…suspended.”

The wheel immediately rolled by his foot and slowly approached Rainbow Dash. She watched it as it slowly rolled and tapped the base of the flagpole, causing the lower mechanism to release. One of the hooks immediately gave way and snapped upward, entangling her skirt as it did.

There was a ripping sound. The skirt went up to the top of the flag pole, but Rainbow Dash remained at the bottom. The eyes of everyone watching- -but especially Rainbow Dash- -went wide as they looked down at where her skirt had been.

“Well cover me in butter and call me Celestia,” said Discord. “I was sure that that pun would come to fruition.”

Rainbow Dash let out a high scream and covered her crotch. “You- -you monster! You pervert! Don’t look at me! DON’T LOOK AT ME!”

“Um…you do realize that you’re wearing spandex shorts, don’t you? They’re not even short. They go to your mid calves.”

“STOP LOOKING!” Rainbow Dash suddenly burst into tears and started running away. “All I wanted was Fluttershy to love me!”

Celestia sat in her office, mostly naked. Not for any particular reason; it was just her school, so she figured she could wear whatever she wanted. She was sitting at her desk drinking a tall bottle of cider and flipping through the school’s newly installed security system. Since she did not actually do anything for most of the day, she mostly liked to spy on the students.

The cameras were small and stored in all high-risk areas. Celesiat’s favorites were the one that looked at the dessert section of the school cafeteria and the one in the boy’s locker room showers.

“Oh my Flash Sentry,” she said, chuckling to herself. “I think you’re a security risk with guns like those…”

The door suddenly flew open. Luna rushed in. “Sister!”

Celestia looked up. “Luna.”

Luna looked down and gowned. “You’re partially naked again.”

“So? My office, my school, my sexy Celestia body. Did you know that my name is a swear word? I’m basically a god.”

“Goddess.”

“Why thank you.”

Luna rolled her eyes. “Did you know that there is a commotion going on in front of ‘your’ school right now?”

“Is somebody doing it?”

“No. There are rules against that.”

Celestia sighed and changed the channel again, flipping through four high resolution stations of the dessert preparation area of the school kitchen, six more hidden images of the boy’s locker room, one picture of the hall in which Maud Pie was staring into the camera, and then finally to a grainy picture of the front lawn.

“Looks fine to me.”

“Look closer.”

Celestia leaned in closer. She saw Rainbow Dash trip over a rake, and then fall into manure.

“Hah!” said Celestia. “Oh Rainbow Dash, so clumsy.”

Then the flag pole suddenly shot up, taking Rainbow Dash’s skirt with it and hanging it high in the air like a flag.

“I remember that happened to you,” sighed Celestia.

“Yes. Because you were the one who did it to me. After you convinced me it was no-underwear Thursday.”

“When you’re principal, every day is no-underwear Thursday.”

Luna winced. “Remind me to have the janitor steam clean your chair. Or burn it.”

On the video, Rainbow Dash suddenly ran off screen.

“She does realize that she’s wearing spandex shorts, doesn’t she?” said Luna.

“Rainbow Dash is paradoxically slow,” said Celestia. She chuckled to herself, and then frowned. Her eyes widened with shock and she nearly pushed her nose into the screen. “Who is that that?”

“I can’t see. Your enormous head is in my way.”

“That! There!” Celestia pointed. Luna leaned in close.

“That would be the janitor,” she said. “Discord.”

“DISCORD?! What in the name of my own sexy, firm, perfectly shaped BUTT is he doing in front of my school?!” Celestia stood up suddenly, and Luna nearly vomited before Celestia was actually able to get her trousers. The chair, she knew, was indeed ruined.

“You hired him, dear sister.”

“I would never hire that ugly, no good, cheating stoner loser half-baked MORON! You must have done it!”

“I don’t handle hiring. You sign those papers.”

“Those papers? You know I don’t read those! You should have said something!”

“About what? I’m six years older than you. I have no idea who he is.”

“Let’s get this straight, I’M the big sister!”

“Yes, in dress size. But only around the bottom half.”

“You’re just jealous because you have that weird birthmark!”

“As opposed to a gaudy sun tattoo? Don’t think I don’t know, sister. I’ve seen you naked far more times than any man has.”

“Except maybe THAT fool,” said Celestia, pointing at the TV set.

Luna groaned. “Ohhhh…so that is how this is going to go now. I’ll get the mop, I suppose.”

“Bring him to me,” said Celestia. “Ideally as beaten as possible.”

“We don’t beat janitors anymore.”

“He’s not a janitor. As of this moment, he’s fired.”

“Because he just strung up a girl’s skirt on the flagpole, or because he disassembled your car and reassembled it in the handicapped stall in the basement bathroom?”

Celestia blinked. “Since when do we have a basement?”

“Every high school has a basement. A Secret Basement. I lived there for several years. Not that you would take an interest in my life, though.”

“I don’t care because I wasn’t listening. Get the janitor, and call the police. He just assaulted a student. He’s going to jail. FOREVER.”

Luna sighed. “As you wish, sister.” � �DyLG[