Fluttershy and the Janitor

The school week had come again. On this particular afternoon, Rainbow Dash and Twilight were walking around outside in a free period between classes. Twilight was wondering how to improve her invisibility field, and only half listening to Rainbow Dash.

“And who does he think he is?” groaned Rainbow Dash, kicking a rock. It sailed across the area and struck poor Lyra Heartstrings square in the forehead, toppling her off a wall. Rainbow Dash neither noticed nor cared. “Doing that to her- -and then he has the nerve to show up to school and act like nothing happened? And Fluttershy- -she’s just going along with it!”

“Well,” said Twilight, taking several mental notes that involved the possibility of implanting part of the suit in the subject’s skin, “maybe she doesn’t mind it that much.”

“Mind it- -Twilight, she’s letting that dirty old man put his hands all over her, and put things…you know…INTO her! Of course she doesn’t like it!”

“Possibly,” said Twilight. “But Fluttershy does have agency. If she felt she was in trouble, she could talk to us. Or her teachers, or her parents. Even her biological mother.”

“Fluttershy would sooner be drawn and quartered than talk to that beast…”

“That’s…gruesome. But it doesn’t contradict my logic. She seems fine. She would have said something if she couldn’t deal with this.”

“Unless she’s too afraid! Twilight, I’ve known Fluttershy since we were little girls! She’s delicate and timid and needs to be protected by a big, strong, athletic woma- -I mean individual! If she gets too stressed, she freezes up!”

“That may be true,” said Twilight, “but I’m familiar with the signs of human stress. Both for human studies and to help me learn to socially interact. She doesn’t seem stressed. She seems happy. I mean, if I had a boyfriend, I would be very happy. But that will never happen.” Twilight sighed.

“He’s not her boyfriend!” cried Rainbow Dash. “He’s a horny old perv!” Rainbow Dash grimaced. “And if I get my hands on him, I’m going to take a long sharp knife and shove it up his- -”

“I think we should stop right there,” said Twilight. “I’m technically a teacher here, and I don’t want to have to report you to the guidance office.”

“Report me! I don’t care! Report the fact that one of your students is getting rammed front and back by the janitor while you’re at it!”

“Back?” said Twilight. “Wait…I know you already explained it to me, but what’s in the back that he could be doing that with?”

“The butt.”

Twilight gasped. “I didn’t know that was a thing!”

“Oh, it is,” said Rainbow Dash. “And it’s what I’m going to do to Discord if I can get him alone!” Twilight stared at her, and Rainbow Dash coughed. “Not in a sexual way, though! In a violent way that hurts real bad!”

“I think doing that always hurts real bad,” said Twilight, shivering. “Why would that even be a thing?”

Rainbow Dash was about to answer when both her and Twilight were struck by a horrid stench. Twilight nearly threw up, and Rainbow Dash started choking. It was as though they had both walked into a cloud of cheap vodka mist.

“Celestia’s giant greasy butt!” swore Rainbow Dash. “Do you smell that?”

“What the heck do you think?” said Twilight before retching again.

Rainbow Dash looked up through her watering eyes and then gasped. Doing so was a bad idea, as it forced her to taste the noxious gas that surrounded her. In their walk, they had approached the school stadium and were standing near the bleachers. Rainbow Dash suddenly grabbed Twilight and pulled her beneath the structure.

“Rainbow Dash!” cried Twilight. “Please! I’m not that kind of girl!” Then, whispered, “please be gentle…”

“Eew, no, you’re not my type at all,” said Rainbow Dash. “Waaaaay to nerdy. Look!”

She pointed out from the bleachers, and Twilight looked. Standing on the other side was Discord, holding a rake. He had apparently been working on maintaining the green of the athletic field. Strangely, though, he was not alone.

A tall man stood with him. He was bizarrely ugly, with a ridiculously long pointed nose and a strangely square jaw. Neither of his eyes faced the same direction. His skin was gray, but mostly covered by a large overcoat and heavy boots that he wore despite the temperature. The man had a glass bottle in one hand.

When the man spoke, his voice was made almost unintelligible with a thick Siberian accent.

“So,” he said, looking around in several directions at once. “You will be bringing her, then?”

“Of course, Ivan,” said Discord. “I think you’ll find her simply wonderful!”

“Da. Perhaps.” Ivan paused. What he said next was badly muddled by his accent, but Rainbow Dash and Twilight both heard him say the same thing. “So,” he said, “we are going to poke her?”

A strange and terrifying smile crossed Discord’s face. “Of course, Ivan. We are ALL going to poke her together.”

“You are meaning Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, Ivan, and also Ivan?”

“Yes, Ivan! You, me, all of your brothers! We’re ALL going to poke her tonight.”

Ivan smiled. He had almost no teeth left. “Da,” he said. “This is good, then. Ivan wants to poke her the great much. As you have been giving description, Ivan is the hoping that Ivan is not to be the disappointed.”

“You won’t be,” chuckled Discord. “She’s young, but trust me. She has a knack for it.”

Ivan continued to smile and then took a long swig from his bottle. It had been nearly full, and he drained it completely before taking an identical full bottle out of his coat. “Da. Then Ivan will come, and we will all poke her together.”

Ivan stumbled off across the field, and Discord laughed. He rubbed his hands together greedily. “Oh, yes!” he said. “I’m going to make SOOOO much money tonight!”

Rainbow Dash and Twilight ducked behind part of the bleachers. “Crap!” cried Rainbow Dash. “It’s worse than we thought! He’s trying to sell her out as a prostitute! I knew it! This is some sort of human trafficking scheme!”

“What are we going to do?” whispered Twilight. She was on the verge of panicking.

“What we should have done from the start,” said Rainbow Dash. She took out her cellphone. Twilight did not ask where she had been keeping it; Rainbow Dash had no pockets. “I’m calling the police.”

“Ohhhh yes!” cried Discord. “I’m IN!”

Ivan groaned. “Ivan is in also!”

Fluttershy snorted. “No you’re not.”

Ivan looked confused. “But Ivan knows that Ivan is in- -”

“You call that ‘in’? That’s tiny!” Fluttershy laughed in his face. “Look at Discord. HE knows how to go in. Come on! If you’re going to do it, do it like a MAN!”

Ivan looked perturbed and terrified at the same time. Then, slowly, he removed his ushanka hat and placed it into the center of the table with his money, vodka, and one of his boots. He then reached into his pocket and removed to small furry things that closely resembled hairier kiwi fruits with faces and tiny legs. One of them was covering its eyes.

“Huuhuuu…” it squeaked. “No wan be bet! Am awive!”

The other glared at Fluttershy and puffed out its cheeks. “Dummeh wady! Yu make fwend make sad huu-huu noisies!”

“Hey!” cried Ivan, glaring at the creatures. “You shall not be dishonoring Ivan by mistreatment of glorious maiden Fluttershy! Respect is required!”

The furry thing looked like it was about to cry too. It turned to Fluttershy. “Sowwy nice Fwutty-shy. Kiwi nu mean it.”

“Aww, they’re adorable!” said Fluttershy. She grinned at Ivan. “And they’re about to be mine!”

“Do not be being so sure,” said Ivan. He slammed his cards down on the table. “Three of kind!”

“Flush!” shouted Fluttershy, putting her cards down. All the men at the table- -there were five of them total, one of whom was Discord and the other were identical men named ‘Ivan Ivanovich’ who Fluttershy had taken to be brothers- -cried out. The Ivans who had folded were laughing hysterically and jeering at their now despondent brother. Discord just laughed lightly, even though he had just lost over two hundred dollars in the bet as well. He could not beat Fluttershy’s flush either.

“Ivan…Ivan lost?” said Ivan. “Ivan is now penniless…and has no more vodkas…”

“You can win it back next round,” said Fluttershy, picking up the pot and putting the two kiwi fruits in her pockets.

“But Ivan has nothing to bet!”

“That’s a pretty nice coat you’re wearing.”

Ivan looked at it.

“It is indeed,” said another Ivan. “We all wear it. Genuine wool of tiny fruit-horse.”

“You have no idea the shaving required to be making such great coats,” said another Ivan.

Fluttershy giggled. “I like this game!” she laughed. “Thank you so much for inviting me, Discord!”

“It wasn’t a problem at all, Fluttershy.” Discord then muttered to himself. “But it will be if I don’t start winning…”

“Ivan is also enjoying Ivan’s self,” said one of the Ivans. “Ivans great much enjoy to poker. Such are good games for the glorious proletariat!”

“And far better than when we play roulette!” said another of the Russians.

Fluttershy dealt the cards. Just the group was preparing to place their bets, though, there was a knock on the door.

“I wonder who that could be,” said Discord. “Ivan, did you invite more of you?”

“We have not bred enough of us to have more than this,” said one of the Ivans.

Then, suddenly, the door exploded inward. Fluttershy squealed as four uniformed police officers burst into the room. Leading them was the sexiest police officer of them all, Shining Armor himself. He was clutching a long nightstick with both hands.

“The NKDV!” cried Ivan, flipping over the table. “Ivan must hide! Cannot be sent back to Siberia! Ivan’s mother-in-law lives there!”

“Sweet Luna’s perpetual virginity, it’s an infestation!” cried one of the secondary officers when he saw that there was an entire group of Ivans sitting quietly in chairs.

“Where is she?” demanded Shining Armor. “Where is the girl?”

The room went silent and Fluttershy, still clutching her cards, slowly raised her hand.

“I think she’s right there, captain!” cried one of the secondary guards.

“I can see that guard number two,” said Shining Armor. He let down his night stick and scratched his head. “Buck me in the bung-hole and call me my wife,” he said. “Miss, are you in any danger?”

“No,” she said. “We were playing poker. At least until Ivan flipped the table.”

“Ivan is sorry,” said Ivan, looking down at the mess. “Ivan panicked. Elegant maiden Fluttershy has not met Ivan’s mother-in-law.”

“Great,” said Shining Armor. “So it was a prank call. Sorry about your door.”

“Not a problem,” said Discord. “I’ve already kicked in my door four times this week. It usually gets up to seven. It’s easier than having keys. They make my pants look less sexy.” Discord looked down at the weapon Shining Armor was holding. “My, though. That is indeed an impressive night-stick!”

“This?” Shining Armor lifted it. “Oh yeah. A custom design. Made out of forsythia wood.”

“Forsythia? My my, that is rare indeed!”

“It is, but there’s nothing like it for whacking criminals.”

“And is it the standard twelve inch length? Because it looks a little bit longer.”

Shining Armor’s eyes lit up. “No, it’s not. It’s an eighteen inch, and a little thicker. A custom design, actually. My wife got it for me for our anniversary. She knows how much I like police brutality.”

“Well, I am something of a fan of wood,” said Discord, “and I do in fact collect antique batons. I actually have on one on me right now!” He reached into his pocket and produced a very short but thick club of dark wood.

“A mahogany blackjack? Pretty sweet. Also illegal in this county.” Shining Armor pointed his nightstick at Discord. “Am I going to have to give you a beating after all?”

They both laughed. The Ivans looked around nervously, not knowing if they were going to get sent to Siberia or not.

“It is impressive,” said Fluttershy, referring to Shining Armor’s weapon. “I’ve never seen something quite like it.”

“Do you want to try it?”

“Can I?”

Shining Armor extended the handle of the weapon to Fluttershy. She stood up and took it. “Oop!” she said. “It’s so heavy!” She swung it around crudely and without form. Discord and Shining armor laughed.

“Oh Fluttershy,” said Discord. “You’re such a character! You look ridiculous!”

“Do I?”

“Of course! A girl like you would never hit someone!”

Fluttershy laughed. “You’re right! I’d be too scared! Too scared I’d break every bone in their face!”

The entire room went silent, and then each and every one of them roared with laughter. Shining Armor nearly collapsed. When he recovered, he stood back up. Fluttershy gave him his nightstick back.

“So you really are fine? I got a call that you were being abused.”

“Abused? By my friends? Why?”

“The only ones being abused here are these guys,” said Discord, pointing at the Ivans.

“It is true! Ivan has lost all money!”

“To her? Come on, she’s just a kid.”

“Do not joke! Her skill is prodigious!”

“Or you’re just that bad.”

Ivan looked offended, but Discord leaned forward. “Well then, why don’t you join us?”

“Can we?” said guard #3, looking excited.

“I don’t know…”

“I see,” said Fluttershy. “So you’re afraid you’ll lose?”

“I never lose,” said Shining Armor. “Except in staring contests with my wife’s butt. You think you can take me?”

“I’ve taken all of these guys. Several times. So yes. Yes I do.”

Shining Armor smiled and picked up the table, putting it back on its legs. “Fine, then. You’re on.” lf. The �pyd[O