Celestia's Chosen Hero... is Carl?

Chapters

Part 2: This Castle's Not as Nice as the Last One
Part 3: The Last Thing I Need is Lightning Bolts Up my Ass
Part 4: Is This Some Kind of Cruel Joke?
Part 7: So Long, Dream Horse
Part 8: Just Some Random Asshole
Part 10: Just Happened to be at the Right Place at the Right Time
Part 11: A Demon, Born From Pure Hatred
Part 12: Super Special Recap Chapter
Part 13: In Case You Couldn't Tell, I'm Very Good at Taking Physical Abuse
Part 14: You're Using Two Weapons!? That's Cheating!
Part 15: Together, We Shall Head Into the Epicentre of Chaos
Final Chapter: Our Chosen Hero
Part 1: Ponies Don't Normally Stand on Two Legs
Part 5: Why Do You Smell like a Backed Up Toilet?
Part 6: I've Got a Princess to Harass
Part 9: You're Pretty Cocky For a Guy Who Doesn't Even have His Own Body

Part 2: This Castle's Not as Nice as the Last One

Soaring through the clouds, in the seat of a golden chariot pulled by her royal guard, Princess Celestia headed for the town of Ponyville with the intent of visiting her old student. Of course, joining her on this quest was her very special guest. The soul from another world, Carl and he wasn’t particularly pleased with his current predicament.

“The feel of the wind in your mane as you soar through the sky, isn’t it exhilarating, Carl?”

“Shut up.”

Celestia had hoped to fill time with a light conversation, but Carl was as surly as ever. He hoped flying in a chariot might have been interesting, but it got old surprisingly fast.

“What the hell am I doing here?” He grunted.

“Have you forgotten, already? I wish to introduce you to one of the ponies you saw in the windows. One of the wielders of the Elements of Harmony and a very close friend of mine.”

“That’s not what I meant! Look at me! I’m a horse riding a golden chariot through the clouds with a goddamn pony princess! What the fuck is my life!?”

“There’s no reason to get so worked up, Carl. Once you're settled in Ponyville, you'll be free to take it all in at your own pace. Everything's going to be fine. Trust me.”

“Trust you? You practically kidnapped me! And for what!? To fight some vague evil force I know fuck all about!? Why the hell should I trust you, when you can’t even share the tiniest detail of what’s going on in that centuries old brain of yours!?”

Celestia thought for a moment, the guilt of dragging an unsuspecting being from another world into her own affairs wasn't lost on her, perhaps he did deserve some kind of explanation.

“Carl…” She spoke, suddenly getting serious. “I truly am sorry for dragging you into this mess against your will and without even giving you so much as a warning, but please understand, I’m only doing this because I have no other choice.

Perhaps, given enough time, a simpler solution could have been arranged, one that didn’t involve convoluted schemes of inter-dimensional travel, but time was something I didn’t have the luxury of. I had to take a chance now, or risk being left completely defenceless in the future.

Even as we speak, that evil force is on the move and when the time comes for us to finally confront them, I must make sure that we are ready to protect this land. I shudder at the thought of what might happen if we fail.”

“But, why me?” Carl groaned.

“I can not say, revealing that now will give away the only advantage I have. All that I ask is that you just have faith in me.”

“Personally, I think you’re full of shit, but what fuck do I know? Not like I have much of a choice anyway...”

“All that I ask is that you remain cooperative. Besides, we still have plenty of time before this evil fully regains their strength, so, for now, just focus on making some new friends.”

“What? You just said ‘time was a luxury you didn’t have’.”

“Indeed, but now that I’ve successfully summoned you, we can rest easy for a while. You should spend this spare time enjoying your stay in Ponyville.”

Carl couldn’t even begin to imagine what was going on in Celestia’s head. He had no idea what he was fighting, why he was fighting it or how he was supposed to fight it. He wasn’t exactly the heroic type, nor did he have any special powers, it was only moments ago that he had even learned how to walk.

The chariot descended through the clouds as they parted to reveal a humble little town, much smaller than the large city Carl saw from the Princess’ castle.

“Yeah… I should have expected this... “ Carl thought to himself as they flew closer, noticing that the town seemed completely devoid of any electronics whatsoever. “Just another little fairytale villa- What the fuck is that thing!?”

As the chariot landed, Carl’s attention was immediately drawn to the giant, looming, crystal castle on the edge of town.

“That, Carl.” Celestia answered. “Is the Castle of Friendship.”

“Fuck off... “ Carl laughed. “That towering behemoth of a building? Is this how you watch over the people in your kingdom? By scaring the shit out of them? ‘Don’t betray your friends or we’ll fucking impale you on the spikes of our demonic friendship castle!’”

“I suppose it does look a little imposing... well, shall we proceed?”

“Yeah… let’s get this shitshow started already.”

After walking to the front of the castle, Celestia graciously knocked on its large, imposing doors and the two patiently waited for a reply. The massive door soon screeched open only for them to be greeted by a small dragon with a toothbrush in his mouth, wearing a towel. He was clearly not expecting a visit from royalty as he suddenly fell over himself, choking on his toothbrush.

“Whoops, we killed him, guess we’ll try again later.” Carl said, attempting to leave, only to be swiftly dragged back to the door by Celestia’s magic.

The dragon quickly spat his toothbrush out and jumped back up to properly greet his guests.

“Princess Celestia! What brings you here, to Ponyville, completely unannounced?” He asked as his towel fell around his ankles giving them all a view of his featureless crotch.

“You wanna explain how dragon anatomy works, while were here?” Carl jest.

The Princess contained her laughter before returning to business. “I’m sorry for dropping by out of the blue like this, but is Twilight home?”

“Yeah, she and Starlight were just finishing breakfast.”

“Wonderful, could you bring them here, this should only take a few minutes.”

“Gotcha.” The dragon left, soon returning with two more ponies. A lavender alicorn and a slightly less lavender unicorn.

“Princess Celestia.” The alicorn greeted with excitement. “If I knew you were visiting I would have prepared extra pancakes.”

“That's quite thoughtful, Twilight, but I’m just here for a quick visit.”

“Hold the fuck up!” Carl interrupted. “They have horns! You have a horn! Those guards have wings! You have wings! Purple has wings! But, I don’t get anything!? What's the deal with that!?”

Twilight was perplexed by the loud pony’s outburst. She hadn’t even introduced herself yet and she was already feeling uncomfortable. The way he spoke to Princess Celestia so crudely, over a matter that was so ridiculously trivial. Twilight wasn’t sure if this obnoxious pony was even aware of her position or if he was just stupid.

“Um, Princess.” Twilight asked. “Who is that pony beside you?”

“Ah, yes, he’s actually the reason I’m here today.” She answered. “His name is Carl, he’s an acquaintance of mine.”

“Carl?” The name struck Twilight as quite odd, for a pony at least, it wasn’t exactly descriptive.

“Indeed, he may not look it at first glance, but he’s actually from another world, so his knowledge of Equestria is rather limited.”

“Another world? But, the mirror portal hasn’t been active for months, did you use it without me noticing?”

“Oh my, no. I summoned him here personally, using my own magic.”

“Wow… that’s so impressive.” Twilight was enamoured by the Princess’ amazing feat of magic, but quickly realised the pointlessness of said feat. “Wait, why? Wouldn't using the mirror portal be easier?”

Celestia’s usual warm, cheery demeanour suddenly grew stern. Her glare alone was enough to demand everyone’s attention.

“Twilight, what I’m about to tell you must be kept secret between us and your closest friends as not to create a panic. A great evil has reawakened and I’m afraid the Elements of Harmony may not be powerful enough to stop it. Using the mirror portal during this time of impending crisis, is out of the question, lest we endanger that world as well.

Which is why, I opted to summon Carl using my own magic as he will be playing a crucial role in defeating this evil force. I can't speak any more on this subject, so for the time being, I’d like to request your assistance in preparing Carl for when he must face said force.”

“You can count on me, Princess. So, what do we do?”

“I’d like Carl to stay with you in Ponyville. Show him around town, introduce him to your friends and try to make him feel comfortable. You’ve been to another world before, so I’m sure you understand how out of place he must feel.”

“Of course… wait? Is that it?”

“Indeed, is there a problem?”

“Oh no! I just thought there would be more to it, you sure we don't need to go on some kind of journey to prepare ourselves, first?”

“Oh, heavens, Twilight. Always overthinking everything, sometimes the simplest solution to the problem is the most effective. Now, I trust I can leave Carl in your capable hooves?”

“Of course, Princess.”

“Very well, then. Carl?”

As the princesses wrapped up their discussion on important issues regarding evil forces threatening their world, Carl had spent the past few minutes trying to figure out how to sit in his new pony body, much to Starlight’s amusement.

He underestimated just how much he relied on his knees to sit comfortably, as no matter how hard he tried he couldn’t decide on what to do with his hind legs. Should they stretch forward, or should he lay down like a cat? These were the important issues plaguing Carl's mind.

“Carl?” Celestia asked. “Have you been paying attention?”

“What?” He looked up, like a child that had just been caught playing in the dirt. “No, I was distracted. What’s happening?”

“I have arranged for you to stay at Princess Twilight’s castle from now on.”

“Wait? You mean you’re leaving?”

“I must return to Canterlot to fulfil my Princess duties, or would you rather have me babysit you all day?”

“No thanks, Celestia. I’m a big boy now.” He responded, still sprawled out on the ground like a special needs infant.

“If you have any questions I’m sure Twilight will be more than happy to answer them for you.”

“Yeah… yeah...”

“You’re not going to miss me, are you?”

“God, no! Get the fuck outta here, before you start lecturing me again!”

“I hope to speak with you again, soon, but for now try to behave yourself.”

“Yeah, thanks mom, I’ll try not to bully the other kids too much.”

Celestia returned to her chariot and flew off into the clouds, leaving Carl alone with Twilight and her friends.

Twilight attempted to break the ice. “So… I guess we should properly introduce ourselves. I’m Twilight Sparkle, the Princess of Friendship.”

Carl remained stoic, making friends wasn't exactly his forte. He would much rather have spent his time lazing around Celestia's castle than force himself to socialise with other ponies.

“Uh… this is my student, Starlight Glimmer, she’s studying the magic of friendship with me.”

“Hi…” Starlight awkwardly waved, but received no reply.

“And, this is my assistant, Spike. He’s a baby dragon.”

“I’m not a baby. Since moving to Ponyville, I grew two whole inches.” Spike proclaimed proudly.

The girls laughed, but Carl barely reacted at all. Their conversation had died before it even begun, but Starlight wasn’t about to give up on it, just yet.

“So, Carl. Nice weather we’re having today, right?”

Carl rolled his eyes, he figured he’d throw them a bone if they were getting this desperate. “It’s fine...”

“I mean, I’m sure you noticed the clouds on your way over here. We’ve scheduled a storm for later tonight..”

Carl raised an eyebrow. “Scheduled a storm?”

“Yeah, you know… the pegasi gather a bunch of rain clouds… to release lightning and wind… and it rains a lot.”

Starlight was struggling to explain what was, to her, common knowledge, as a denizen of Equestria. Carl just seemed to silently accept it.

"Oh, yeah!” Twilight intervened. “The Princess said you were from another world, right?”

“Yeah, I’m a human.”

“That explains it, in the human world, weather works on its own instead of being controlled by pegasi. Although, it’s kinda weird that there’s more than one human world. Makes you wonder just how many worlds there are out there. Multiverse theory sure gets confusing, am I right?”

Carl couldn’t care less about Twilight’s tedious ramblings, but her comments about there being ‘more than one human world’ intrigued him. “What was that about another human world?”

“Oh, well, since you’re so interested. There’s another human world that’s like a parallel universe to this one, connected by a mirror portal that I keep in one of my libraries.”

“Sure, I'll roll with that.” Carl just accepted that portals to other universes lying around people's libraries was par for the course in this world. "Could you show me?"

“You’re not planning to escape through it, are you?” Twilight joked.

“No, Twinkles. I’ve already travelled to one universe, I don’t need to travel to any more. This is already confusing enough as is.”

“Just checking and I think you misheard, my name’s Twilight.”

The group returned to the castle. The icy blue, crystal walls of Twilight’s home made it seem much colder and less inviting than Celestia’s. At least, to Carl it did.

“Geez…” He remarked. “This castle’s not as nice as the last one. It looks so cold and empty.”

“Really?” Twilight had never heard anyone criticise her castle before. Most ponies were usually too amazed at being in the presence of royalty to even comment. “I guess it’s a little big, but I think that’s just because my castle’s nowhere near as lively as Princess Celestia’s.”

“Does the Princess of Friendship not have many friends?”

“Oh, I have plenty of friends.”

Carl detected a hint of irritation in her reply, but decided to let the bait dangle a little longer.

Before they could enter the library the ponies passed through the throne room.

“See?” Twilight pointed out. “This room is much more welcoming than those dull hallways. My friends decorated it with shining gem stones, lavish curtains and the best designer seat cushions in Equestria.”

“Yeah, neat. You gonna show me that portal now?”

Twilight’s bragging was for nought. She was only trying to get some kind of positive reaction out of him, but Carl simply didn’t care.

“Show him the map, Twilight!” Spike suggested.

Twilight’s mood picked up as she directed Carl towards the large table in the center of the room. Perhaps this would be enough to impress him.

“Check this out, Carl. This is the Cutie Map.”

Carl stared at the stone table in disinterest. “It’s a stone, Twiggles.”

“No, it's a map! Watch!” Twilight conjured a spell, releasing her magic as the table generated an image of the entirety of Equestria as she eagerly awaited Carl’s reaction.

“Yep, that’s a map, alright.”

“Yeah... you can see the whole of Equestria on it, in great detail. Aren’t you even a little interested?”

“I'm not here to look at a fucking map, Twibright. I don’t ca-” As Carl rolled his eyes he caught a glimpse of a strange sight hanging above him. “Why is there a big ass tree stump suspended from the ceiling?”

“Oh, that used to be my home.” Twilight explained in a sombre tone.

“Where I’m from horses don’t normally live in trees.”

“That wasn’t just any tree, it was the Golden Oak Library.”

“What? Did it blow up?”

“Yeah, it did.”

“Oh... was it a gas leak?”

“No! It was destroyed by… a big, dumb monster.”

“Damn... and I thought repo guys in my world were evil.”

“Yeah... I lost pretty much everything when the library was destroyed…”

“So you hung it's remains from the ceiling of your castle? Okay...” Carl chuckled.

Starlight suddenly nudged Carl in the ribs. “Don’t be so insensitive.”

“Ow, fuck, alright. Look, just show me where this portal thing is already, I’m not here to listen to sob stories, either.”

After having, inadvertently, dug up some painful memories, Carl was brought into the library where, in the centre, rested the mirror portal.

“So, is this it?” Carl asked.

“Yeah… that’s it.” Replied Twilight, still feeling a little down.

“And it still works, right?”

“Well, not right now. It takes a lot of power to keep it running, so I turned it off.”

“But, you can get it up and running again, if you needed to?”

“I guess…”

“So, what the fuck is going on here? If Celestia needed to bring a human into this world, then why didn’t she just use this portal instead of wasting her magic on ripping me out of my own universe? What the hell was she thinking?”

“She said she didn’t want to endanger the other universe.”

“That’s bullshit. If that were the case then you could just keep this thing turned off after using it. She must be hiding something.”

“What do you want me to say? The Princess has always been very cryptic when explaining herself, but that’s just because she wants us to grow through experience and figure things out ourselves.”

“Are you retarded? The only experience I can see happening to me is getting my shit kicked in.”

“I’m sure the Princess has her reasons for withholding certain information. You just have to trust that she knows what she's doing.”

“Yeah, well I'm not really a fan of being used like some clueless pawn in a game of 4D chess.”

“You’re not a pawn, she’s just trying to guide you. She did the same thing to me and I became a Princess.”

“Hey, newsflash! You’re not the one she plucked out of their own universe for practically no reason.”

“Actually, in a way, I kinda am. Well, metaphorically speaking."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"She forced me out of my bubble in Canterlot and sent me to Ponyville. So, in a way, she dragged me out of my universe, and because of that, I was able to experience friendships I may never have discovered on my own.”

“What kind of Princess bosses other Princesses around?”

“I wasn’t a princess at all back then. I was just her student.”

“Oh, sorry, so you weren't quite as entitled.”

“Entitled?” Twilight became noticeably upset. She always tried to remain humble and modest about her accomplishments and didn’t understand why Carl was suddenly jumping to conclusions when he barely even knew her.

“I’m not entitled. I worked my butt off to get where I am today.”

“Oh yeah?" This was Carl's chance to probe the Princess, to see what she was truly like underneath her facade of niceness. "So, how did you become the Princess’ protege?”

“Wha-? I… I was trying to get into Celestia’s School for Gifted Unicorns.”

“Sounds like some rich kids school.”

“No! Just because it’s in Canterlot doesn’t mean it’s just for rich kids!”

“Canterlot? I take it that’s where all the snobs live?”

“Well, it is the capital of Equestria, so it's kind of expensive…”

Twilight was growing more self-conscious, she felt like she was being interrogated, as if she had committed a crime she wasn’t aware of, but Carl was nowhere near finished, yet.

“So, after becoming Celestia’s student, you lived among the rich snobs of Canterlot, right?”

“I've always lived in Canterlot because my family lives there.”

“So, I take it your parents are among the elite as well?”

“They’re successful, I guess…"

“How successful?”

“I don’t know. Why are you asking? How this even relevant? What’s the point of all these questions!?”

Carl took a moment to gather his thoughts, if he was going to be staying with this princess he wanted to know just what kind of person they really were and after a long questioning session he finally came to a conclusion.

“Yeah, now this shit's starting to come together. Celestia’s apprentice, hand picked by the Princess herself. With connections to royalty and a little cash from mommy and daddy, she easily gets into a high prestige school.

Being the daughter of a rich family and living in a rich city allowed you to live comfortably as you coasted through life, and with the Princess watching over you, you were practically guaranteed success. What a fucking joke.

Money, connections and dumb luck. Those are the only reasons you have any power at all. Without them you’d just be another irrelevant nobody. You're just some entitled bitch. Princess of Friendship? More like Princess of Privilege.”

Twilight was stunned silent, all of Carl’s questions were just traps to help him build a narrative that painted her as some kind of mindless elitist. His words left her on the brink of tears, as if he took everything she had ever accomplished in life and trivialised it, rendering them all meaningless.

Starlight and Spike were equally shocked at how effortlessly Carl had tore into Twilight, for seemingly no reason. Starlight was about to try and separate them before things got any worse, but Twilight suddenly stomped her hoof down.

She gave Carl a chilling glare, he naturally returned in kind. For a brief moment she actually believed the lies he spewed from his mouth, but as she thought back on her past experiences, she remembered. The many nights she spent studying, her many battles against powerful foes and saving the world with the friends who were always by her side.

“You’re wrong.” She responded. “I never once believed that I was entitled to anything. I’m truly grateful for the life that I have and I wouldn't trade it away for anything, especially not to impress somepony like you. In fact, if you want to talk about entitlement, then let’s talk about you, Carl.”

“Excuse me?” Carl laughed. “This oughta be good…”

“First of all, you were summoned here by Princess Celestia herself, that alone gives you special privileges most ponies could only dream of.”

“Big fuckin’ deal, I’m just a tool she needs to solve a problem. Nothing more.”

“Second, you get to live among royalty, in a huge castle where all your needs are catered to, while you don’t even have to lift a hoof.”

“I should bloody hope so, given I was brought here, against my will. To a world I barely understand.”

“Third, you have the opportunity to speak with the most powerful ponies in Equestria about anything. You have access to so much more knowledge than you’ll ever need to know and yet you’ve done nothing to earn any of it, other than your existence possibly being useful at some undefined point in the future.”

“Where the hell are you going with this? I didn't ask to be in this world and I definitely don’t give enough of a shit about about it to learn about its history or culture. If I could ditch you guys and hitch a ride home, I’d do it in a heartbeat.”

Twilight, having remained as levelheaded as she could, had finally had enough. It seemed Carl wasn’t going to understand anything unless she spelled it out for him.

“Carl, I’ve only known you for about half an hour and you’ve already proven to be one of the most entitled ponies I’ve ever met! And what’s worse is that you’re so arrogant and thick headed that you don't even realise it!

But you know what? None of this would even be that big a deal, if you weren’t such a massive hypocrite!”

Carl was genuinely steamed, he wasn’t used to people actually standing up to him, let alone being able to form actual criticisms against him. He preferred angry idiots like Unis, who he could run mental circles around all day and never tire of it, but Twilight was different, she had a confidence and a tenacity that just irritated him to no end.

“God, people like you piss me off, with your high and mighty attitude. Let me just make this clear: You may be the Princess of Friendship, but you’re not my princess, nor my friend, you got that?”

“I’ll try not to let my status hurt your precious ego…”

There was a sudden silence as the two ponies simply glared at each other. The tension in the room was so thick it was practically suffocating, but Starlight eventually stepped in to end their standoff.

“Wow! That was certainly a very productive… um, debate, but maybe we should all take some time to cool off. Spike! Why don’t you and Twilight finish breakfast while I deal with our guest.”

“Alright, it’s your funeral.” Spike replied heading over to Twilight. He held her hoof and escorted her out of the room, however the two ponies refused to break eye-contact with each other and continued glaring until the door was firmly closed behind them.

“What the heck was that all about!?” Starlight asked.

“Prick...”

“That's not an appropriate answer!”

“Look, I just don’t like being bossed around. Especially by a bunch of assholes I don’t even know.”

Starlight desperately tried to not get mad, lest she start another argument. “I think we all just need to take a breather and calm down. You know what helps me feel better after a bad day?”

“Drinking?”

“No, that usually makes things worse…”

Starlight’s horn lit up as she teleported Carl and herself to her bedroom.

“What the fuck!? What happened!?” Carl yelled, checking over his body to make sure nothing was missing.

“Oh, I just did a teleportation spell. Anyway, check this out!”

Starlight held up a finely crafted box kite.

“A kite?”

“Flying a kite always helps me calm down, it’s like the wind just carries all those bad thoughts away. You wanna try it?”

“No.”

“No… no one does…” Starlight looked around her room for something that might peak Carl’s interest. “Ooh, how about this!”

She levitated over the book that was lying open on her desk. “This book is about Ancient Equestrian Artefacts, I’ve been reading all about them lately. Maybe you’ll find something interesting in here.”

“No.”

“But, you didn’t even look at it…”

“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” Carl reluctantly flicked through the book’s pages for something interesting to read, but after a minute he noticed a glaring issue.

“I can’t read any of this shit.”

“Oh, yeah… I guess Equestrian English looks different in your world. In that case, you can look at the pictures and I’ll read it for you.”

“Fine… what’s this page then?”

“That’s a Magic Ritual Circle, you can use them to conjure up powerful spells by-”

“Boring, what else do we have here?”

“Um, this page is about the Sacred Shield, a weapon that can defend against any magical attack.”

“Huh, I should get me one of those, in case Princess Purple tries to kill me later.” Carl turned the page to see what other strange magical artefacts this world had to offer, but what he saw next deeply disturbed him.

Pitch black monoliths, even though they were just pictures, their soulless, black colouring, that seemed to devour all light, made him feel uneasy.

“Oh, those are Black Crystal Monoliths. They might not seem like much, but rocks like this are capable of storing large quantities of magic and these rare, black crystals were the absolute best at it. Their storage capacity is practically limitless.”

“Where would you even find these things?”

“Nopony knows, if they did I would have used them already.”

“For what?”

“Oh! Nothing, don’t worry about it.”

The strange tales behind Equestria’s old artefacts helped keep Carl’s mind distracted allowing him to mellow out. “You know what? That did make me feel a little better, not bad, Starbright.”

“Starlight.”

“Whatever…”

Just when Carl’s mood was starting to lighten up, Twilight teleported into the room, still sour from their earlier encounter.

“What is it, Twinkie?” Carl teased.

“It’s Twilight and I just finished speaking with the Princess.”

“Uh oh, am I in trouble?”

“No, in fact, the Princess insisted that I introduce you to the rest of my friends and keep you by my side at all times.”

“Did you tell her the part where I called you an entitled bitch?”

“I simply questioned the thought process behind gambling Equestria’s fate on you, but the Princess seems to have a lot of confidence in your abilities… whatever they might be…”

“Oh really? But, what if I refuse this order?”

“Then you don’t get to go home.”

“So, the bitch is blackmailing me!”

“Honestly, I think blackmail is too good for the likes of you, but I’m not in a position to argue with the Princess.”

“Can’t even stand up to a fellow royal? Who’d have thought the Princess of Friendship would be such a pussy?”

Insulted, Twilight glared at Carl, again. Not one to back down, he returned in kind. Starlight had never seen Twilight so confrontational before, not even Trixie’s antics pushed her to this extreme.

The atmosphere grew tense and Starlight needed to separate them again, fearing a fight may break out.

“Hey, hey, hey.” She pleaded, getting in between their faces. “Why don’t we forget about the blackmail and the insults and take a nice relaxing stroll around town. I’m sure, once you’ve introduced Carl to your friends, all that animosity will just melt away. I mean, he can’t possibly find a way to upset all five of your friends, right?” She turned to Carl, for clarification.

“No promises.” He replied.

“Fine.” Twilight answered.

“Hey.” Starlight called. “Maybe, I should go with you, just in case?”

“Don’t worry about it, Starlight.” Twilight ordered. “You don't need to subject yourself to this idiot's company. You just catch up on your studies.”

“Yeah, you’ll just ruin all my fun.”

The pair left the room and headed out into town, leaving Starlight with a horrible feeling in her gut.

“Oh, Twilight, why do you have to be so stubborn? I really hope Princess Celestia knows what she’s doing…”

Author's Note

Something about this chapter feels a little off to me. No matter how hard I tried I just couldn't get the dialogue to feel right. Maybe it just relies too much on setting up rather than telling an actual story. I guess that's just a necessary evil to help get the ball rolling, or maybe it's just because it's 6:00am and I really want to go to bed...

Next time, balls of lightning.

Part 3: The Last Thing I Need is Lightning Bolts Up my Ass

Even as the clouds rolled in, it was still a relatively beautiful day in Ponyville. The citizens were all busy tending to their own various chores and errands, keeping the town abuzz with chatter and energy.

Unfortunately, this plucky and cheerful sentiment was not shared with Princess Twilight and her associate Carl, who were still bitter towards each other. They didn’t so much as utter a single word upon leaving the castle. Carl wasn’t even informed about where they were going.

At least this gave Carl the opportunity to experience the rush of early afternoon Ponyville for himself. Seeing all the ponies hanging out in their own social circles, enjoying lunch in the company of friends as they all went about their daily routines, reminded Carl of home.

It still felt strange seeing horses doing human activities, but still in a very horse like manner. For example, the logic behind having horse drawn carriages in a town populated by horses, greatly confused him, but despite those minor oddities, this world didn’t feel quite as alien as he anticipated.

Even so, Carl still had questions about how this new world worked, but hesitated to say anything as Twilight hadn’t even looked at him for the past ten minutes and he didn’t want to accidentally trigger her. Of course, this only grinded on his nerves, angered over the idea of Twilight possibly getting upset over some minor questions. Eventually he stopped caring about that possibility and just blurted out his thoughts anyway.

“Hey!” He called. “So, what’s the deal with the horns and the wings? When do I get some?”

Having been focused on trotting forward for the past ten minutes, Twilight finally came to a stop. She turned to Carl with a stern look in her eye, like a mother dealing with her bratty child. She wasn’t sure whether he was looking for a genuine answer or if he was just looking to start trouble, again.

“Look, Carl.” She rigidly warned him. “If you want my help, then you’re going to have to make a few adjustments to that attitude of yours.”

Growing impatient, Carl ignored Twilight's advice completely. “Oh, forget it. I’ll just ask someone else.” He turned to a random unicorn, minding her own business and immediately started yelling at her. “Hey, lady! What’s with that horn on your head!?”

Before he could cause a scene, Twilight quickly dragged Carl away from the poor, defenseless mare with her magic. “I’m sorry, he’s an idiot.” She apologised before turning back to Carl. “What do you think you’re doing? You can’t just go around screaming at ponies like that.”

“Geez, Twinkle. I was just asking her a question. We're on a busy high street, what was I supposed to do, ask for her consent, first?”

“Just... “ Realising that she may have slightly overreacted, Twilight freed Carl from her grasp. “...don’t talk to anypony…”

“But, how am I supposed to discover the magic of friendship if I can’t talk to anyone?”

“Wipe that smirk off your face, you know what I mean.”

Twilight was about to carry on her way, but the moment she put her hoof down, Carl yelled for her again. “Trite Light!”

“It’s Twilight.”

“Whatever, anyway, you didn’t answer my question.”

“Are you talking about the horn thing, again?”

“Yeah, when do I get one?”

“You don’t, Earth ponies don’t have horns.”

“What!? That’s fuckin’ horseshit!”

There was an audible gasp among the crowd of ponies. Carl’s strange behaviour already drew some attention, but his tone and aggressiveness was causing a commotion.

“Carl!” Twilight pleaded. “Can you at least try to behave yourself!?”

“Behave myself? I don’t give a shit about that! Where’s my horn!?”

While some ponies were slightly intimidated by such zealous vulgarity, others immaturely snickered at the absurdity of it all, but some were clearly offended by Carl's rudeness, with one mother even covering their innocent impressionable child’s ears.

“For Celestia’s sake, Carl! Stop!” Twilight begged.

“What the fuck does Celestia have to do with this!? I just want my horn, dammit!”

“CARL! THAT’S ENOUGH!”

“NEVER! If I’m gonna be stuck in this shitty town for god knows how long, the least you can do is let me do some cool magical shit! Now, make with the horn, already!”

While Carl couldn’t care less about what others thought of him, Twilight was beyond embarrassed. She could hear the murmurs of the crowd, quietly judging her. Was this crude stallion a friend of hers? Are these the kind of ponies the Princess associates with? Should the Princess really be tolerating such crude conduct from a civilian?

Before Carl made everything worse by opening his big mouth again, Twilight magically dragged him away from the market to a much quieter part of town, as he angrily protested the whole way.

“What the fuck!?” He cried, still being detained by Twilight’s magic. “You can’t just drag me around like some sort of rag-doll. I have rights, goddammit!”

“Carl, I doubt you even know the first thing about Equestrian law.”

Carl giggled to himself. The idea of magical pony laws amused him. “Yeah… I might get slapped with a fine for hurting someone’s feelings…”

“Ugh... shut up…”

“Hey, don’t get all pissy with me, you should have just answered my question.”

“Your ques-? What were you trying to prove by yelling at me over a stupid horn!?”

“I don’t know...”

Twilight desperately held back her rage. She so badly wanted to scream at him, but she knew it wouldn’t solve anything, it would only supply him with more ammo. “Deep breaths, Twilight….”

Carl continued chuckling to himself, he couldn’t believe someone of such high status was so easy to toy with, she certainly didn’t carry herself with as much elegance and poise as Celestia, nor was she as patient.

Calming herself down, Twilight scowled at Carl. “Oh, I bet you’re having the time of your life right now.”

“Well, we all find ways to cope with bad situations.”

“Ooh, if I wasn’t a Princess right now, I’d…" Twilight raised her hoof. "...never mind…”

Twilight had never been so frustrated with someone before, just looking at the smug, satisfied grin on his face gave her a headache. He was clearly being obnoxious on purpose and yet, Twilight could do nothing to stop him.

“Hey, so about that horn thing?” Carl asked.

Twilight took another deep breath to gather herself. “Okay, look. I’ll try to explain this as simply as possible, so even you can understand.”

“Gotcha.”

“Right, so, there are three types of ponies: Unicorns, Pegasi and Earth ponies. Are you with me so far?”

“Three poners, got it.”

“Unicorns have horns that allow them to use magic. The pegasi have wings that allow them to fly and control weather and the earth ponies have neither, but make up for it with their physical strength and connection to the Earth. Do you get it?”

It seemed simple enough, but Carl needed details. “How does having wings let you control the weather?”

“It’s not the wings that control the weather, Carl. Pegasi just do it naturally.”

“Well, what the hell am I then?”

“You don’t have a horn or wings, so you’re clearly an Earth pony.”

"So, I don't have cool magic powers?"

"No."

"What...? Then what do I have!?"

"I just told you! Physical strength and a strong connection to the Earth!"

"What the fuck does that mean?"

"It means some ponies are just really good at agriculture!"

"Well, I haven't felt any kind of super farm powers since I got here!"

“It’s just an instinct thing, Carl. You either get it or you don’t!”

Carl wasn't satisfied with such nebulous answers. “Nah, nah, nah. There must be some magic bullshit involved in here somewhere.”

Twilight could feel her energy slowly draining away with each passing question. She should have known Carl would drag this out longer than necessary.

“Well, I guess you could argue that there’s some magic involved, but they’re not using it consciously like unicorns do.”

“So, unicorns can just use their magic to control all this shit, right?”

“I don’t know, maybe, the way a unicorn’s magic develops is complicated. They can’t just do anything at any given moment.”

“So, what the fuck? If unicorns can just do all this shit themselves, then what’s the point of the other races? This place makes no goddamn sense!”

“Carl, I’m not gonna sit here and debate with you about the ethics of unicorn magic!”

“Fine! Didn’t want to learn about your gay lore. anyway...”

Twilight felt as if she had aged a hundred years trying to get through Carl’s thick head. She regretted not bringing Starlight with her, handling this cretin on her own was far more stressful than she imagined. If it wasn’t for Celestia’s orders she would have pawned him off to someone else the first chance she got.

“Hey, wait a minute!” Carl suddenly announced.

“Oh, now what?”

“What the hell are you supposed to be? You’ve got wings and a horn.”

“Really, Carl? We're doing this now?” Twilight whined, desperately wishing their conversation would end already.

“Yes, really.”

“I’m an alicorn, that’s just how we are.”

“So, you’re some kind of mutant?”

“No. I was a unicorn, but I earned my wings when I became a princess.”

“Earned them? And how do I acquire the opportunity to earn these, much coveted, Princess Wings and Horn accessories?”

“Carl, you can’t just decide if you want to become an alicorn. Your chosen.”

“Chosen? What? Did you just randomly wake up with wings one morning?”

“You know what? Yeah, that’s what happened. Now, will you please stop with the questions?”

“But, how did you-”

Twilight screamed as she fell to the ground in despair. Normally, she would be ecstatic to have a student so curious about the world, but Carl was driving her crazy and the worst part was that he wasn’t even trying this time.

“Uh, I'm not interrupting anything, am I?”

Lingering just overhead was a blue pegasus with a rainbow mane. Twilight jumped up in excitement, she finally had someone to help her keep hold of her sanity.

“Who sent in the Pride Parade?” Carl joked.

“Rainbow Dash, thank goodness you’re here!” Twilight flew up to her friend and then immediately yanked her back down to earth.

“Woah, you okay, Twilight? You look a little agitated.”

“Rainbow Dash, I’d like to introduce you to a very special pony.” She directed Dash’s attention to Carl, who wasn’t sure what was going on.

“What? Is he your boyfriend?” Dash teased.

Carl burst into a loud, mocking laughter. “Fuckin’ hell, Twiggles! You’re dating life must be atrocious if I’m the best you could do!” He continued to roll on the ground, clutching his stomach, as his laughter became physically painful.

Twilight was mortified, as if she hadn’t suffered enough embarrassment already in the past hour.

“No. Never.” She bluntly replied.

“Well, if you say so.” Dash giggled. “So, who is he?”

“He’s a being summoned here by Princess Celestia, from another world.”

“He’s a what from a what now?”

“I’ll explain the details later, I just want to focus on gathering the other girls.”

“Wait, now?”

“Yes, now, come on.”

“I can’t go now, I'm in some serious trouble and I was hoping you could help.”

“Oh, come on, Rainbow. The day isn’t even half over and I already want to go back to bed.”

“But, somepony lost a Lightning Ball.”

“WHAT!?”

Carl’s laughter finally came to a halt after he overheard Twilight’s loud exclamation. The mood suddenly shifted as Twilight's agitation quickly subsided.

“Yo, who’s this ‘Lightning Balls’ dude?” Carl asked, still wiping away his tears.

“Quiet, Carl. This is important.” Twilight coldly replied.

“Hey, fuck you!” Carl detested being ignored, especially when he was actually being semi-serious. “Hey! Rainbow pony! What’s your name?”

“Uh, Rainbow Dash.” She answered, hesitantly.

“Wow, no shit…” He muttered under his breath. “Princess Purple here is being a big, blubbering, vagina. Could you fill me in on what a Lightning Ball is?”

“Hey, wait a minute!” Twilight reacted, offended that she was brushed aside so easily.

“Shut up, Sprinkles. This is important.”

As amusing as their interactions were, Dash was starting to sense some real tension between her friend and this strange stallion. “Hey, why don’t we walk and talk. I heard the Lightning Ball drifted into the woods just outside town.”

Dash lead the way, with Carl following close behind and Twilight indignantly moping along at the back.

“So for, like, the third time, what’s this Lightning Ball thing?” Carl asked, yet again.

Dash took a minute to think about it. Technical explanations weren’t really her strong suit. “Well, a Lightning Ball is what happens when a massive amount of lightning energy builds up in a single cloud and is then condensed into a small ball.”

“Fucking, what? That's not science.”

“Er.. hold on… oh, okay. Whenever we use clouds to make it rain the clouds store up a lot of lightning energy, so whe-”

“Magic, got it.”

“Uh, well, anyway, they’re super dangerous and unstable. Tonight’s thunderstorm was scheduled so this Lightning Ball could safely release all its pent up energy.”

“So, what happens if you don’t find it?”

“Total chaos, mass destruction and frizzy manes as far as the eye can see. Those things are like ticking time bombs just waiting to go off.”

“Yeah, this is all starting to sound a little suicidal, so I’m gonna peace the fuck out here.”

Car swiveled round only to be stopped in his tracks by Twilight who immediately forced him back with her magic. “Oh, what the fuck, man?”

“Sorry, Carl.” Twilight explained. “But, the Princess told me to keep you by my side at all times, so you’re coming with us whether you like it or not.”

“Goddammit…”

The ponies crossed a bridge, leaving town. This time however, Carl was the one moping behind them. As they trekked along the path and into the grove they bumped into a familiar face, at least familiar to Carl.

“Ah, Princess Twilight. I arrived as soon as I got word.”

Twilight was confused for a second. Despite being dressed as a Royal Guard, she didn’t quite recognise the stallion, nor could she put her hoof on what his name was. “Oh, yeah… it’s you… um... You.”

“I am Unis Guardna… t-the Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot?”

“Oh, right! You’re the one filling in for for my brother. I completely forgot.”

“But, you were at my knighting ceremony.” Unis nervously reminded her.

“Oh, sorry, I haven’t been in Canterlot much these days. It must have slipped my mind.”

“Unis, get the fuck outta here.” Carl suddenly caught up with the rest of the group and upon eyeing Unis, instantly cheered up. “Why don’t you go back to Canterlot, you posh twat.”

“What the devil are you doing here?” The small woods just outside Ponyville was the last place he expected to reunite with this vulgar commoner again.

“Celestia sent me here, don’t ask why because I don’t fuckin’ know. But, what the hell are you doing here? Are you such a kiss ass that when Celestia told you to ‘get lost’ you took it literally?”

“For your information, Ponyville does not have it’s own Royal Guard, therefore I provide extra help whenever there is an emergency.”

Carl turned to Twilight. “You don’t even have your own Royal Guard? How embarrassing...”

“Oh, please. I don’t need one.” She answered with pride.

“Clearly not with this tard at your beck and call.”

“Uh, guys.” Dash interrupted. “The Lightning Ball is just up ahead.”

“Yes, the Lightning Ball.” Unis reiterated. “We must make haste. There is a lake nearby and if that ball makes contact with the water it could spell disaster.”

“Zuh?” Carl didn’t understand what was so important about the lake.

Twilight rolled her eyes. “You see, Carl. Water conducts electricity, which is what lightning is made of. So, if the Lightning Ball makes contact with the lake, the resulting surge of electricity could travel throughout the entire lake and across all connecting rivers throughout Equestria, potentially ravaging everything in its path.”

“Sounds rad.”

“It is most certainly not 'rad'.”

Carl opted to ignore Twilight’s scolding and instead, marched straight into the wood, with the others following close behind. He didn’t really need to know where he was going as the light from the Lightning Ball lead the way, growing brighter, the closer they got.

Soon they arrived in a small grove, bathed in the hue of a purple light. There, floating just atop a large collection of boulders was the Lightning Ball, covered in tiny thunderbolts, like a novelty plasma globe.

As predicted, behind the rocks the ball was perched on was a small lake, connected by rivers. If the Lightning Ball happened to fall in, all the creatures in all of the nearby water would surely be fried to a crisp. The thought of grilling so many fish on such a massive scale was tempting to Carl, but knowing his luck he’d probably, accidentally kill a least a hundred people in the process.

“That’s odd…” Twilight pondered. “Lightning is usually a bright yellow colour. Why is it purple?”

“I don’t know.” Dash replied. “I’ve never really seen a loose Lightning Ball before.” She suddenly gasped. “Maybe, this is what it looks like when it’s about to blow!?”

Carl had no intention of waiting around, not when there was a volatile explosive in the vicinity. “The last thing I need today is lightning bolts up my ass. Just fly up there and grab it already.”

“Right.” Dash flew straight up to the Lightning Ball. Being a pegasus her control over the weather naturally allowed her to keep hold of it, at least until she could find a cloud to store it in safely, but as soon she wrapped her hooves around it for a mere few seconds she suddenly got a whiff of smoke.

Dash quickly realised it was her own hooves that were being cooked and yelled in agony, dropping the Lightning Ball. Before it could hit the ground, Twilight caught it with her magic and gently levitated it away from anything that could set it off as Dash dunked her hooves in the lake to cool them.

“What the fuck, Dash!?” Carl berated. “You nearly killed us!”

“I’m sorry! I didn’t even know lightning could get that hot!”

“It’s fucking lightning! Of course it’s hot!”

Twilight quickly jumped to Dash's defense. “Carl, in this world, lightning is only hot when fired from a cloud. Even in this ball state, a pegasus should be able to safely carry it without too many issues… you know, barring the whole, potential explosion...”

“Oh… then what the hell happened?”

“Obviously, we got here just in time.” Unis answered. “Miss Dash, prepare a cloud as soon as possible. We need to return this to the weather factory, immediately.”

“Uh oh…” Twilight suddenly struggled as the Lightning Ball began convulsing horribly, with its surrounding thunderbolts growing more erratic and violent. “Everypony! Take cover!”

The ponies scrambled to hide behind the trees and rocks, but Carl tripped over himself. As lightning bolts began firing in all directions, Twilight was finding it more and more difficult to keep the unstable orb from escaping her grasp.

Having fallen on his face, Carl’s worse fears came true as a stray lightning bolt struck him directly on his exposed rear. “MOTHER FUCK! THAT… was... mildly irritating…”

“A little help here!” Twilight called to Unis, both of whom were hiding behind a tree.

“Y-yes, of course.” Unis covered the Lightning Ball in a grey barrier, allowing Twilight to release her spell and drag Carl behind his own tree before he was roasted alive.

Having only been containing it for a few seconds, Unis was already having issues keeping the ball’s power at bay. Rainbow Dash returned with a cloud, but with how volatile the ball had become there was no way she could get close enough to capture it without being zapped like a moth. It was firing lightning bolts in all directions ripping the ground apart with their boiling hot energy.

“Ooh, think, Twilight, think!” Twilight recited aloud, anxiously hopping in place.

“Think , Twinkle, think!” Carl urged on.

“Stop it, Carl! I’m trying to concentrate!”

Carl continued his chant, with Dash joining in. “Think, Twinkle, think! Think, Twinkle, think! Think, Twinkle, think!”

The constant heckling wasn’t doing Twilight any favours. “Shut up!”

“Hey! Yelling like an asshole isn’t going to help anyone!”

“You’re not helping anyone!”

“Well, excuse me for trying to give you a little encouragement!”

“That’s not encouragement, Carl! It’s just annoying!”

“Aw, fuck it!” Carl grew tired of Twilight's petty argument and took matters into his own hands. He jumped into the fray and was about to run over to the Lightning Ball, but Twilight attempted to drag him back. This time, however, Carl pushed himself hard to escape her spell, locking them in a tug-of-war.

“Carl, you idiot! Come back here!”

“No! You can sit around with your hooves up your ass if you want, but I'm taking action, dammit!”

“Don’t be stupid! You’ll be no use to the Princess as a charred corpse!”

“You dumb bitch, we’ll all be dead if that thing explodes! So, why does it matter!?”

“Let him go, Twilight!” Dash ordered.

“What!? Why!?”

“Anypony who can take a lightning bolt to the butt like he did must be pretty resilient. I think he can handle it.”

“Dash, I’m not sure that’s sound reasoning, it was probably just a fluke.”

“Well, I’m feeling lucky.”

Twilight wasn’t sure, but Dash had a lot more experience with handling weather phenomenon than she did, so perhaps there was a chance.

“Alright, you better not screw this up, Carl!”

Carl ran underneath the Lightning Ball, which at this point looked like a disco ball that was about to burst, standing on his hind legs ready for the drop.

“Unis!” Twilight called. “Drop the ball!”

“Unis Gardna never drops the ball!”

“No, I meant that literally! Drop the Lightning Ball!”

“But, that commoner will be vaporised!”

“Trust me, he’ll be okay.”

“If you say so, Princess.”

The barrier around the Lightning Ball was lifted and it fell directly into Carl’s hooves. It stung slightly, but it seemed, Dash’s hunch was right. The Lightning Ball calmed down as Carl kept it tightly grasped between his hooves.

“Yo, we did it boys! I guess my ball handling skills extend to more than just my own.”

Just as Carl was in the midst of celebrating, he immediately started to lose balance, as he remembered that ponies weren’t very good at standing on their hind legs. Luckily, before he hit the ground, Twilight caught him with her magic, preventing him from accidentally nuking the entire forest.

“Unbelievable...” Unis was at a loss for words. He could barely keep the Lightning Ball’s power under control and yet, Carl was holding it like it was nothing.

“Check it out, Unis!” Carl called as Twilight levitated him closer. “I did your job for ya!”

“But, that’s impossible.”

“You’re impossible.”

“What? No, I mean that’s literally impossible. How can a common Earth pony handle that ball with such little effort?”

“Oh please, you're looking at a seasoned veteran when it comes to ball handling....
....
....
...no, wait.”

“This isn't a joke, you twit. One mistake and we could have all been incinerated.”

“Hey, any more lip out of you and I’ll slam dunk this fucking thing right into your face.”

Unis was about to argue over the obvious flaws of such a threat, but was interrupted by Twilight. “Don’t listen to him, Unis, just leave while you still have your sanity. We can take it from here.”

Having realised he was playing right into Carl’s hooves, Unis took his leave, he had more important things to do than take any more abuse from a lowly commoner. Before he left though, Carl gave him one last holler. Unis turned around and Carl childishly blew a raspberry at him, just for laughs. Unis left with a humiliated scowl.

"Dumb bastard." As Carl laughed to himself over another job well done, he was suddenly overcome by a purple mist. “Agh! What the fuck!? Twinkie, get your magic out of my face!”

“I’m not doing anything, Carl!” Twilight contested.

The purple mist faded as quickly as it appeared and upon doing so, the Lightning Ball in Carl’s hooves returned to it’s natural, bright yellow colour. It was also burning hot. “Ow, ow, OW! Holy shit! What’s happening!?”

Before Carl reduced the entire area to a smoldering crater, Rainbow Dash swooped in and shoved the ball into a cloud where it was kept safely out of harm’s way.

With the threat of the Lightning Ball safely dealt with, Twilight no longer needed to keep Carl suspended and promptly dropped him out of the air. Normally, that would have angered him, but Carl was preoccupied with making a mad dash for the lake to cool off his poor, smoking hooves.

“Crisis averted.” Twilight sighed with relief.

“Just barely!” Dash replied.

“It’s weird, though. Lightning Balls don’t usually wander off on their own like that. I wonder what happened?”

“Eh, somepony probably zoned out and left it somewhere while transporting it, stuff happens...”

“Right…”

“Still, Carl was pretty cool, though, but I can’t tell if that pony’s brave or just stupid.”

Twilight looked over at Carl, who was still bending down into the lake, cooling his hooves. She stifled a laugh as she noticed the humorously placed burn mark he received earlier. “Well, I definitely don't think 'brave' would be an appropriate description for him.”

The fight may have been over for now, but the scars of battle remained, or in this case a black smudge on Carl’s right buttcheek.

Author's Note

Don't mine me, just pulling random lore out of my ass. Seriously, ball lightning is a real weather phenomenon if you want to look it up.

Next time: Lot's of food talk.

Part 4: Is This Some Kind of Cruel Joke?

After preventing Ponyville from being swallowed in an electrical explosion that could have crushed the entire town, Twilight and Carl returned from the grove. Carl’s hooves still stung from his ordeal, but thankfully it didn't impede on his ability to walk or complain.

As they crossed the bridge back to town, Carl grew irritated over Twilight’s silence. She hadn't said a word about the incident, let alone thanked him for his efforts. “Hey, Twalot!” He called.

“It’s Twilight.” She responded, sternly.

“What the hell are you so pissed off for?”

“Nothing.”

“Oh, excuse me. I’ll try to do less ‘nothing’ in the future.”

“Carl, do you realise how lucky you were to not get vaporised back there?”

“Twiggles, do you realise how lucky you were I didn’t just throw that fucking thing in the lake for shits and giggles?”

“I don't think even you would be dumb enough to do something that reckless out of spite. You'd only hurt yourself!”

“So? Why do you care?”

“Because, if anything were to happen to you while you were under my watch... I can’t even imagine how the Princess would react.”

“So, you’re scared of losing a few good girl points with Celestia?”

“Carl, do you even know how much faith the Princess has in you? Some ponies work their entire lives just to be acknowledged by her and yet, you, some... guy from another world, that nopony knows anything about, has her complete trust? Are you even aware of how important you must be to her?”

Carl just stared blankly, as Twilight's lecturing slowly devolved into white noise. “Dude, I totally zoned out. Did you say something?”

“Ugh… why did Celestia have to pick such a hopeless jerk?”

“I don't know.”

“I wasn’t asking, I was being rhetorical.”

“Well, you won't get anywhere in life, unless you mean what you say.”

“Oh, you’re one to talk. Ninety percent of everything you say is meaningless, constructed to enrage anypony who hears it and the other ten percent is just confused screaming.”

“I know and it’s worked out pretty good, so far.” He chuckled.

“AH! Why am I even trying with you!?” Twilight was at a loss. She was the Princess of Friendship and yet, no matter how hard she tried, she just couldn’t find a way to connect with Carl at all.

At least with ponies like Trixie, even if Twilight couldn't befriend them, they were able to discover friendship elsewhere, but Carl didn’t seem interested in befriending anyone, he much preferred mocking them, instead. Was it even possible to befriend someone this self-centered?

There was a sudden, loud roar that gave Twilight a fright. “What was that?”

“My stomach.” Carl answered.

“O-oh, right… I guess we should get some lunch. Can’t fight unknown, vaguely described, evil threats on an empty stomach.”

Twilight’s attempted joke got her nothing but a strange look. It seemed the only time Carl was ever enjoying himself was when we he was the one cracking jokes at others expense.

Accepting defeat, Twilight lead the way to a cafe, her favourite cafe, The Cafe Hay. “For lunch, there’s no better place to stay, at least that’s what I say.”

“What are you, their sponsor?” Carl looked around the cafe, but was befuddled by their choice in exterior design. All he saw were lumps of hay and mushrooms scattered outside the building. “Uh, where do we sit?”

“Right here.” Twilight answered, parking her butt firmly in the clump of hay.

“What, is that your appetiser?”

“N-no… this hay is for sitting. Try it, it’s comfy.”

Carl was skeptical over how hay could be anything but irritating to sit on, but he gave it a shot anyway. It didn’t feel too bad, until...

“Ah!” He squealed, jolting back onto his hooves.

“You okay?”

“I’m f-fine. Just felt a little prick is all.”

“It helps to flatten the hay first, before sitting on it.”

“Now you fuckin’ tell me.”

Carl pounded away at the hay, he was going to damn well make sure he wasn’t getting a cheeky surprise like that again.

“Sir, please refrain from assaulting the hay, it’s rather expensive.”

The waiter had arrived to take their order, a typical, stuffy, gentlemanly type. The kind Carl would normally tease to no end, if he weren’t so hungry.

Twilight pulled open the menu. “I think I’ll just have the usual, please.”

“And you, sir?”

“Alright, gimme that.” Carl gave the menu a quick scan. “Oh, right. I can’t read.” He then immediately threw it back to Twilight. “You order me something.”

“Fine… he'll have what I'm having.”

The waiter jotted down the order and left. He returned a few minutes later with their food ready.

“What the hell is this?” Carl was visibly disgusted by the sight that was presented on his plate.

“That, sir, is a Dandelion Sandwich with a side order of Hay Fries. A common, but popular dish served here at Cafe Hay.” The waiter explained.

Carl examined the food on his plate, delicately lifting the bread to view the contents inside. “This is literally just flowers between two slices of bread!”

“Enjoy your meal, sir.” The waiter then left without hesitation.

“Hey! Get back here! I’m not done berating you, yet!”

Before he could chase the waiter down, Twilight pulled him back into his seat.

“Are you seeing this shit!? They’re just flowers!” Carl complained.

“I know. Delicious right?” Twilight replied, with half a sandwich already stuffed in her face.

“Wha-? I-?” The mere thought of placing two slices of bread between a few flowers and calling it a sandwich baffled Carl to such an extent he had difficulties trying to work up the energy to get legitimately mad about it, but by god was he going to try.

“But, they’re flowers.”

“You said that already…”

“But, why are you paying money for this when they are flowers fucking everywhere!”

“Hey, Dandelion Sandwiches aren’t easy to get right. It’s all about positioning and using just the right amount of seasoning.”

“But… there are flowers right over there, across the street. Why don’t you eat those, instead?”

“Carl, show a little respect. You can’t just go around eating other pony’s flowers like that.”

“What about the flowers that are just naturally growing all over the place?”

“Ew, I’m not eating random wild flowers, that’s just gross.”

“What? But, they're the same- aw fuck it!.” Carl scoured around his dish, there was something other than the flowers that bothered him.

“Okay, so what the fuck are these supposed to be?”

“They’re Hay Fries.”

“So, you literally just fried some hay and called it a meal?”

“Well, duh. Hence the name: Hay Fries.”

“But, you can’t just fry something and call it food!”

“But, we fry eggs, do you have a problem with that, too?”

“Eggs are an actual food. This is just… I mean, you’re fucking sitting on a pile of hay right now!”

“This is just sitting hay and it’s not even fried.”

“Holy shit….”

Twilight detected a hint of irritation. “Carl, are you getting upset?”

“I am fucking livid...I'm not eating this crap.”

“Don’t be such a child. That food is perfectly fine, just give it a try.”

“No way, I demand real food.”

“Fine, here’s the menu.”

Twilight pompously presented the menu to Carl, knowing full well he couldn’t read a single thing from it. Carl was not pleased by her attempt at a joke.

He grabbed the menu that was mockingly levitating in his face and threw it to the ground. “Alright! You wanna know what I want!?”

“Do enlighten me.”

“How about a big fuckin’ steak! Surely the Princess can afford that!?”

“Stake? You mean like those wooden things?”

“What? No! A big juicy steak!”

“I'm not following.”

“I mean meat!”

“Ew, Carl… you really eat meat?”

“Yes! That’s what all humans eat! At least the ones that aren’t pussies...”

“Oh, right. That’s true, I think I saw some of that when I was in the human world. But we don’t eat meat here in Ponyville nor anywhere in Equestria for that matter.”

“Wait, what?”

“Ponies are herbivores, we don’t sell meat, cook meat and we certainly don’t eat it.”

“Is… is this some kind of cruel joke?”

Twilight was amazed by Carl's ability to turn the simple act of eating lunch into an endurance test of whining. He was reluctant to eat anything he deemed too strange, even though it was perfectly healthy for any pony.

As obnoxious as Carl was, Twilight couldn’t let him starve, even if he partially deserved to. Her knowledge of human diets was limited, but she, at least, knew of one thing they shared in common.

“Maybe we should swing by Sugarcube Corner. They might have something that would appeal more to your human tastes.”

“I don’t know, sounds like they sell a lot of sweets. Don’t think living off of those would be a smart idea.”

“Well, it’s better than nothing. Besides, one of my friends works there, so we were going to stop by at some point anyway.”

“Oh, so I had no choice anyway, what a surprise.”

Twilight paid for the meals as they left for Sugarcube Corner, which appropriately, was just around the corner from the cafe.

It didn’t take a genius to deduce that the giant gingerbread house with the cupcake tower was the building they were looking for. As they passed the shop window, Carl was enamored with the sweets that were on display.

“Finally.” He gushed. “Real, actual food. They may be sweets, but it’s better than those fucking flowers.”

Twilight was just relieved to finally find something Carl wasn’t criticising, for a change. She recalled her mother once said that the quickest way to a stallion’s heart was through his stomach. Twilight wasn’t really interested in winning over his heart, but she hoped the food would at least keep Carl happy, even if it was for just a moment.

Carl galloped ahead of Twilight, his stomach was crying out for the goodies contained within this cathedral of cakes. However, the moment he reached for the door, it suddenly burst open and Carl was thrown to the ground, not by the door as he initially thought, but by, what appeared to be, a pink blur.

“Oh, Jesus! What happened!?” Carl cried in terror as his brain struggled to catch up with the rest of reality. He soon figured out he was pinned to the ground by a pink pony, who was speaking way too fast for his mind to comprehend what she was saying.

“...so then I thought ‘I should give him a surprise hug, that should cheer him up!’” The pony grinned, finishing her sudden torrent of nonsense.

“Would you get the fuck off of me?” Carl politely asked, pushing the pink pony’s head out of his personal space.

The pony sprung herself back up, like a rubber band. “Whoops, sorry. Guess I got a little carried away.” She laughed.

“You guess?”

“I guess so.”

Carl’s brain froze for a second as it tried to decipher the meaning behind the pony's baffling response.

“Pinkie! What are you doing!?” Twilight yelled. “You can’t just tackle somepony to the ground like that, control yourself!”

Pinkie glomped onto her friend, ignoring her scolding. “Twilight! You didn’t tell me you made a new friend! I’ve never seen him before! Is he from around here!? What’s his name!? What’s his star sign!? Is it Capricorn!? I bet it’s Capricorn!”

Twilight pushed Pinkie off of her person before she suffocated from her powerful grip. “Pinkie, this is Carl. He’s from another world.”

Pinkie gasped excitedly. “Another world!”

“Pinkie! Not so loud, we don’t want to draw any unnecessary attention to him.”

“Oops, sorry Twilight. So, is he from the mirror portal?”

“No, the Princess summoned him.”

“Ooh… the plot thickens…”

“I brought him here because he's being a real picky eater and I was hoping you might have something for him.”

“Well, you came to the right place! Nopony in Equestria can resist the tasty treats of Sugarcube Corner!”

“Just be careful around him, he’s a little cranky.”

“Oh, I know all about cranky… he got married a few months ago!”

“I know, Pinkie. We were there… sort of…”

“If I can get through to that old donkey, I can get through to anypony... or anydonkey... or anyyak... or-”

“Pinkie, he’s leaving.”

Having Witnessed Pinkie’s motormouth firsthand, Carl made a tactical retreat, there was no way he was going to willingly subject himself to that living migraine.

“But, he’s not getting away that easily.” Pinkie announced, catching up to him.

Carl was blindsided by the pink blur as she dashed in front of him. He instinctively covered his face from any further harm as she smiled in delight. “You hungry, Carl?”

“Who are you?”

“I’m Pinkie Pie, but you can call me Pinkie. Although, now that I think about it, nopony’s ever called me Pie before, isn’t that weird? I mean Rainbow Dash is sometimes called Dash, or Rainbow and Twilight Sparkle is sometimes called Twilight or Miss Sparkle, but nopony ever calls me Pie or Miss Pie. I guess it sounds weird, especially since I have, like, three sisters all named Pie, too. I even have a twin, isn’t that cool!? Nopony ever really talks about it, but it’s so cool having a twin, I mean we’re so alike, except the talking part, she doesn’t really like to talk to other ponies much, not like me, love talking, talk, talk, talk, talk-”

Desperate to find a way to end his suffering at the hands of this pink demon, Carl noticed a rope hanging from a tree in the distance. “No, Carl.” He thought to himself. “Not today…”

Still, Carl needed to think fast if he wanted to find a way to escape this conversation and what he came up with was one of the oldest tricks in the book.

“Carl?” He bluffed. “I’m not Carl, you must be looking for someone else.”

“Wait, you’re not Carl? I’m so sorry! But I could have sworn I saw him go this way. Oh no, did I miss him, already?”

“Looks like it, well, see ya.”

“Did you see which way he went?”

“What? I don’t know… that way.” Carl pointed in a random direction, anywhere was good as long as it got rid of Pinkie.

“Thanks, mister. Say, you’re not from around here, what’s your name?”

“Uhh……” Carl had to get the gears turning again. He scanned the surrounding area for any kind of inspiration for a name. Pony names just seemed like random words combined together, so it shouldn’t have been too hard to come up with something believable.

He spotted a pony off in the distance, behind a fence. “Uhh…. Fence.” He then noticed the pony was kicking the fence, he didn’t understand why, but it give him the inspiration for his second name. “Kicker. My name is Fence Kicker.”

“Fence Kicker?” Pinkie repeated, looking muddled. She glanced around and pointed to the kicking pony behind her. “But, that’s Fence Kicker right over there.”

“GOD DAMMIT! ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS!?”

Twilight had enough of Carl and Pinkie’s comedy skit and immediately teleported the two of them back in front of the bakery. “Nice try, Carl, but you’re not gonna win against Pinkie. Trust me, I’ve tried.”

“Oh! So, you are Carl!” Pinkie finally realised. “What was with all that stuff about Fence Kicker? I guess inter-dimensional travel really messes with your head. That’s why I only switch places with myself.”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing. So, you wanna get something to eat?”

“Only if you promise to be quiet.”

“Well, how am I supposed to take your orders if I can’t talk to you, silly?”

“...ugh….”

With no way of avoiding her, Carl begrudgingly entered the bakery. The inside was just as sickeningly sweet as he imagined. Decorated with pink colours and hearts, but at least the food looked just as good as he imagined.

Cookies, cupcakes, short cakes, long cakes and those weird french pastries that fall apart the second you touch them. Carl was prepared for the inevitable diabetic coma he was about to land himself in upon devouring all these sweets.

“Hey, Twiggles.” Carl called. “You’re paying for this, right?”

“Well, obviously… just, please tell me what food is inedible before you order anything.”

“Oh, please. Like you can’t afford to waste a few bucks, Little Miss Privileged.”

He was obviously joking, but Twilight couldn't stand that he called her privileged again, after she very clearly stated how untrue his assumptions were, not one hour ago. “At least I’m not some anti-social moocher.” She responded.

This caused Carl to lose his temper. “Hey! Don't start bitching at me! The only reason I’m mooching off of you is because you won’t leave me alone!"

“The reason I’m not leaving you alone is because the Princess asked me to and I’m not going to let her down, even if it means putting up with an ungrateful moocher like you!”

“Well, aren’t you just a big, dumb asshole, then!”

“It’s called ‘selflessness’. You should try it some time!”

Not even the unstoppable engine of pure happiness that was Pinkie could turn a blind eye to the tension building between Twilight and her loud, angry associate. Twilight was usually so nice and welcoming, but this new pony somehow found a way to constantly get under her skin.

She figured, if she could find a way to cheer up Twilight’s aggressive acquaintance then he wouldn’t feel the need to upset her all the time, which would mean all their tension would melt away and everyone would be happy and friendly again.

First, she needed to interrupt their intense staring contest. “Hey, Carl! You wanna see the babies?”

“What the fuck, Pinkie?” Carl couldn’t think of any other way to react to such a random non sequitur.

“The Cake’s babies, Pumpkin and Pound Cake. They’re super adorable. You wanna go see them? I’ll bet they’ll love you.”

“Ew, no. I hate babies. All they do is shit and puke everywhere…”

“Oh, right… they’re probably sleeping anyway… How about we play a game? That’ll be fun!”

“Yeah, okay, let’s play: I’m fucking hungry.”

“How do you play that?”

Carl simply scowled and waited for Pinkie to take the hint.

“Oh, you were being sarcastic.” She smiled, awkwardly. “Okay, I guess we can hang out after you’ve eaten.”

Pinkie rushed behind the counter where Carl was finally able to make his order. With so many treats on display it was hard to choose, but he ultimately went with his favourite. “I’ll take the cheesecake.”

“Ooh and you just got the last one.”

“Whatever… Hey, Twatlight! You’re up!”

Twilight used her magic to guide the plate with the cheesecake over to a table, as Carl would most likely be unable to carry it without clumsily destroying something along the way.

As Carl made his way to the table, Twilight needed to speak with Pinkie. “What was that stuff about games all about?”

“I don’t know. I just wanted to cheer him up, I mean look at him. If the frown on his face dragged any lower his jaw would fall off.”

“I don’t think Carl’s the kind of pony who enjoys playing silly games, Pinkie. Maybe you should just leave him alone.”

Pinkie tilted her head in disappointment. “I just wanted to make him smile...”

“Trust me, you don’t want to see what Carl’s like when he’s smiling.”

“You son of a-, goddamn, piece of shit!” Carl suddenly screamed, enraged. The girls looked over to find him with his hooves covered in splattered cake.

“Whoa.” Pinkie immediately hopped over to his table. “How did you do that?”

“I don’t know. I just picked it up with my hooves and I somehow crushed it.”

“Oh, Carl. That’s not how you pick up food.”

“Well, what the fuck am I supposed to use, my feet?”

“No, dummy. Use these.” Pinkie picked up the knife and fork that were already sitting on the table with her hooves, miming a cutting movement to demonstrate how to properly eat a cake. “See, just like that.”

Carl was baffled by the scientific impossibility, he just witnessed. The knife and fork were somehow stuck to her hooves like glue. “How the hell are you doing that?”

“What? It’s easy. Look!” Pinkie mimed the movement again, but it didn’t actually explain anything.

“But... what?” Carl tried to pick up the utensils with his own hooves, but they didn’t stick at all, he had no idea what he was doing. Growing frustrated, he looked down at his own useless hooves. “God, I miss having fingers…”

Saddened, Pinkie needed to think of something that would brighten Carl’s mood. “Oh, I know! Why don’t we bake you a new cake!”

“No thanks, I’d rather just order a dif-”

“Nonsense! Come on, Carl. It’s time to get baking!”

Before he could finish, Pinkie dragged him behind the counter and into the kitchen, at top speed. Twilight followed after them, knowing full well that this could only end in disaster.

Before he knew it, Pinkie had already dressed both of them up in an apron and chef’s hat. “Alright, Carl! Are you ready to bake like you’ve never baked before!?”

“What the fuck is happening?”

“Well, this would usually be the part where we break into song, but due to the medium we’re working with I don't think that'll be possible.”

“Thank Christ...”

“So, we’re gonna have to do this the old fashioned way!”

“Goddammit…”

Pinkie dashed around the kitchen like a pink whirlwind, until she gathered all of her baking utensils on the counter. She opened up her cookbook and was ready to bake the best cheesecake Carl had ever had.

“Alright, Carl.” She ordered. “I need eggs, cream cheese and some sugar.”

Carl was befuddled, as his hat pushed his mane down into his face. “I couldn’t even handle eating a cake earlier and now you want me to handle something as delicate as eggs?”

“Well, you gotta do something, right?”

“I don’t have to do shit! I came here to eat, not bake!”

“Oh, come on, Carl. Baking is really fun.”

“No, it’s not! That’s why I’m paying you to do it!”

“You mean I’m paying her to do it!” Twilight corrected.

Pinkie was a little disappointed with Carl’s lack of cooperation. “Fine, I can finish this cake without your help and I'll do it before you can even fix that mane of yours...”

“My hair may be hindering my eyesight, but even I can still see through that bullshit.”

Carl took a moment to push his hair back into his hat, it had only been covering his face for a few seconds. He looked back at Pinkie, but as she claimed, the pan was already full and ready to bake.

“Wha- sure, okay.” Carl reluctantly conceded.

“Yep, I’m pretty good at this. It’s like it’s my job or something.” Pinkie proudly proclaimed.

“Oh, sorry. Oh wise one, for doubting your abilities were in the realm of plausibility.”

“It’s okay.” Pinkie responded, oblivious to Carl’s facetiousness. “Anyway, all we have to do now is shove it in the oven, turn up the heat and voilá!”

“Are you sure you didn’t cheat or anything?”

“Oh, please. Trust me, Carl. I’m a professional.”

The second Pinkie turned away from the oven, it erupted into a spontaneous explosion of purple flames.

“HOLY SHIT!”

“PINKIE! THE OVEN!”

“Yep, it’s all up to the oven to finish the job now.” Pinkie's cockiness blinded her to the inferno raging just behind her, as she ignored Twilight and Carl’s screams. However, once a stray flame set her chef’s hat ablaze, she soon learned how pride cometh before the fall, as she screamed and thrashed about wildly. “MY HAT’S ON FIRE! TWILIGHT GET THE FIRE THINGY HANGING ON THE WALL!”

She pointed to the fire extinguisher. Twilight didn’t need any further instructions, she grabbed the extinguisher with her magic and attempted to put out the fire terrorising Pinkie’s head. The white foam smothered her hat like whipped cream, smothering the fire.

Pinkie thought she was finally safe, but then the white foam suddenly ignited an even bigger blaze. Screaming for her life, Pinkie needed to rid herself of her flaming hat before the cook was cooked. She instinctively tossed the hat off her head and it flew towards Carl, smacking him in the face.

“AH! FUCK!” Carl tossed the hat to the ground and stamped on it repeatedly to put out the fire.

“Oh my gosh! Carl, I’m sorry! I wasn’t thinking!” Pinkie frantically apologised.

“It’s fine. Barely felt a thing. It's not like that could have killed me or anything.”

Twilight directed her attention to the flaming oven on the other side of the room. She took aim with the fire extinguisher. “Alright, stand back, everypony!”

She gave the oven a full blast from the canister, covering it in foam as the flames died down.

There was a sigh of relief... until the flames exploded from the foam, having grown twice as large and lively.

Twilight turned to Pinkie in shock. “What kind of ingredients did you use, Pinkie!?”

“Oh, you know, eggs, cheese, cookies, vanilla…”

“Anything flammable and or magical?”

“Not this time.”

Growing desperate, Twilight poured water from the sink and stored it in a magic bubble, she then burst the bubble over the fire, but instead of extinguishing it, the water merely evaporated before the heat of the flames.

“What the heck is going on!?” Even Twilight was stunned before the seemingly invincible fire.

Carl was surprisingly silent. Normally he would have berated Twilight for her uselessness, but his mind was elsewhere. Just like the lightning before, Carl felt little pain from having a flaming hat thrown in his face and the fire actually disappeared when he stamped on it, quickly too.

If this was a world of magic, then perhaps it was possible that this fire was the result of some kind of spell and that it couldn’t be put out by normal means. The fact that the flames were purple seemed to suggest this. The conclusion he came to sounded crazy, but he had nothing to lose, so he figured: "Eh, why the hell not?"

He casually strolled over to the oven and into the epicenter of the disaster.

“Carl!” Twilight called. “Get back here, you idiot!”

Carl ignored her warning, instead he pulled back his right hoof and slammed it into the oven as hard as he could. This, somehow, caused the flames to shudder from the impact and despite being in the heart of the inferno, the heat barely fazed him at all.

He didn’t understand why, but whatever he was doing was working and he continued to beat the oven, pounding on it over and over with his hooves as the flames became more and more agitated.

“Wait, so the flames really are magic?” Twilight wondered. “But, where did they come from and how is Carl stopping it?” She watched closely as Carl literally beat the fire into submission, until the flames eventually retracted inward, growing smaller until they disappeared completely.

As the last flame died, a purple smoke rose from the oven and shot out the window, catching Twilight by surprise.

“Did you see that!?” She asked the others.

“Yeah, I put out that fire with my fucking fists.” Carl answered, vigorously.

“No! The purple smoke! Pinkie, did you see it!?”

“Well, duh. Purple fire makes purple smoke. That’s just science, Twilight.”

“No! The smoke that flew out the window!”

“I should hope so, it'd be a massive safety hazard if it stayed in here.”

Frustrated, Twilight teleported outside the window. She searched around the area, but found no trace of where the smoke went or who sent it.

She teleported back inside. “Something’s not right here...”

“Don’t tell me the magical unicorn is freaking out over some magic fire.” Carl laughed.

“That magic had to have come from somewhere and it wasn’t from Pinkie’s cheesecake…. Please tell me it wasn’t the cheesecake…”

Pinkie quickly checked the ingredients in the cookbook. “Nope, the book clearly states: ‘No magic required’.”

“So, what?” Carl interjected. “Magic bullshit happens all the time in this world, right? A magic fire’s no big deal, especially if I could put it out with just my hooves.”

“But, magic fires don’t just happen pop up out of nowhere! Whoever did this must have been controlling that purple smoke.”

“Maybe it was that big, spooky supervillain Celestia’s scared of.”

Carl was just being a jerk, but after giving it some thought, he may not have been that far off.

“I think... you may be right…”

“Oh, balls…”

“Whoever this evil force is, must already be on the move, which means we need to act fast! Pinkie!”

“Yep?”

“I need you to gather the rest of our friends, tell them it’s an emergency!”

“I don’t know… Fluttershy’s working in her sanctuary today and she doesn’t like it when I randomly drop by. She says I ‘frighten the animals’, apparently they’re not big fans of cannons and streamers and cannons full of streamers...”

“Oh, for the love of… Then we’ll meet at Fluttershy’s house and wait until she’s finished.”

“Okie Dokie.” Pinkie rushed out of the room and into town.

“Come on, Carl.” Twilight ordered.

“Wait? What’s this about cannon streamers?”

“We’re going to Fluttershy’s Cottage, now let’s move. Before that purple smoke strikes again.”

“But, I’m still hungry…”

“We don’t have time to eat, we need to move now.”

“But, my cake….”

Author's Note

The 4th instalment in this collection of words that vaguely resemble a coherent story.

Next Time: A cloaked pony and stinky swamp water.

Part 7: So Long, Dream Horse

Dark clouds swarmed over the skies of Ponyville as the evening storm opened with a light rain. Carl had spent the past hour searching for a place to stay, but with no luck. The ponies in town recognised him as the weirdo that was ranting at Princess Twilight all afternoon and so, weren’t too comfortable with bringing him into their homes.

Without money, he had no way of compensating anyone for providing him shelter. He wandered aimlessly around town, until he collapsed on a bench in the park. Exhausted from his miserable day, Carl wanted nothing more than to just fall asleep and pray things were better tomorrow.

Luckily, he found a discarded umbrella he could use to shield himself from the rain, although he initially had difficulty opening it using his bulky hooves. Once it popped open, he placed it on the bench, as it leaned over him, providing his only refuge from the oncoming storm.

He laid on the bench, ready to sleep, however the second he closed his eyes, he felt a powerful gust of wind. He tried to ignore it, but a sudden crack of lightning in the sky made him jump to his feet. The storm had finally begun. A strong gale suddenly carried his umbrella away, while a heavy downpour of rain swamped the town, soaking Carl instantly.

“Oh, fuck off with this shit!” Carl yelled at the clouds. “Can’t a guy pass out in the middle of the park in peace!?”

Realising that screaming at the weather wasn’t accomplishing anything, Carl searched for a new place to rest, anywhere that could protect him from the wind and rain, but other than the dampened mud beneath the trees, he came up short.

“Well, it may have smelled like horse’s ass, but maybe I should sneak into that barn I saw earlier…” Carl tried to remember the way to Sweet Apple Acres, but Pinkie dragged him there so quickly that it was all just a blur in his mind. “Dammit… like I even have the slightest clue where it is...”

Growing frustrated, both with himself and the world in general, Carl's stress reached its boiling point. “Where the hell am I!? What am I doing!?” He stomped at the ground, kicking up dirt in a rage, looking for something, anything to blame. “Where the fuck is Celestia!? She said she’d be back, but I haven’t heard shit from her since she dumped me here!”

He continued pounding at the ground until his anger eventually subsided, interrupted by his growling stomach. “Goddammit, I don’t have the energy to waste on throwing a tantrum...”

Just when he was about to give up and settle for sleeping in the mud, a flash of lightning illuminated his view. Within that brief flash, he saw the silhouette of a large tent. It felt like a long shot, but he may have found the shelter he had been searching for.

As he walked up to the tent, he realised it was actually some sort of strange hybrid between a stable and a carriage, sitting just outside the park. “Crap… if this were a tent, I could have just walked right in. Oh well, since I’m already here, might as well see who’s home.”

He banged on the door excessively, to ensure anyone inside would hear him over the pounding rain. The top door swung open as a pony leered at Carl, she was clearly grumpy. “Who dares disturb the Tired and Exhausted Trixie’s beauty sleep!?”

“Hey, I remember you, from the Everfree Forest.” Carl explained.

“What? Aren’t you that smelly, toilet pony?”

“Yeah, can I crash at your place, tonight? I’m drowning out here.”

“What!? No way! You’re covered in muck and Trixie just cleaned her home!”

“I just need somewhere to sleep! I’m literally homeless right now!”

“Didn’t Trixie dump you at Fluttershy’s cottage? Go bother her!"

“I don’t know where that is!”

“Well, neither does Trixie!”

“What!? Of course you do! You’re the one who dropped me off there in the first place!”

“Only because we just so happened to be close by! I don’t remember the directions from here!”

“Will you just let me in!? If I had balls, I’d be freezing them off, right now!”

“No way! This is a one pony carriage! Go take your balls elsewhere!”

Trixie slammed her door shut, enraging Carl further.

“You bitch! Don’t make me bang on this door all night, because I’ll do it, motherfucker! I don’t have anywhere else to be!”

“Go away!” Trixie yelled from the snug, cosy, warmth of her bed.

“So, this the thanks I get for saving your ass from Smokey, earlier!? You owe me, goddammit!”

Trixie threw her doors open, knocking Carl down the steps of her carriage and onto his rear, soaking him in the mud. “I already repaid my debt when I escorted your broken body to Fluttershy’s house, so unless you're willing to get on your knees and beg, leave me alone!”

"Oh, one of us is going to be begging in a minute..."

Carl glared at her from the filthy hole he was planted in. Trixie was almost impressed with his unwillingness to just swallow his pride and plea like any normal pony would do in his hooves. Despite this admiration, Carl still looked rather pathetic, laying in the dirt.

Trixie rolled her eyes. “Look, if I help you, will you shut up and let me get some sleep?”

“You mean, I can sleep with you?”

“What?”

“Oh shit, I meant that metaphorically, or did I mean that literally? Do you even know what I’m talking about?”

“There’s not enough room in Trixie’s carriage for two ponies.”

“Damn…”

“But, I think one of Twilight’s friends lives close by, maybe I convince her to help you.”

Carl winced at the thought, he wasn’t exactly on good terms with at least half of Twilight’s friends and those weren't odds he was willing to gamble on. “You know, what? Never mind.”

He walked away from the offer, but Trixie refused to let him slip away that easily. She felt as if her admiration for him had just gone to waste and now, she felt obligated to show him what real determination looked like. “What!? After all that crying, you’re just going to walk away!? I didn’t think you’d be such a quitter!”

Carl ignored her scolding and continued on his way, forcing Trixie to take drastic action. She used her magic to grab Carl and forcibly drag him back to her carriage, which was no easy feat for a novice like her.

“What are you doing?” Carl asked.

Trixie was flustered from having used so much magic pushing Carl’s entire body. “I am taking you to Twilight’s friend’s house whether you like it or not!”

“Fine, geez…”

Trixie didn’t care that her sleeping cap was getting soaked or that her nightgown dragged through the mud, she was adamant about bringing Carl to this house.

It wasn’t very far, only a few short minutes away. When they arrived, Carl looked over the building. To him, it looked more like a giant carousel than a home. Trixie knocked on the door and started tapping her hoof, impatiently waiting for an answer.

The door opened slightly as a pony peered through the crack. “Yes? Oh, aren’t you Starlight’s friend?” The pony asked.

Trixie wasn’t in the mood for theatrics. ”Yes, it’s me, The Great and Powerful Trixie, yadda, yadda, yadda. Look, can you take this pathetic excuse for a pony off my hooves, he’s annoying me.”

“Hey!” Carl yelled. “You’re the one who insisted I come over here!”

The door swung open. Carl recognised the pony, he met her at Fluttershy’s Cottage earlier. She was the one with the curly, purple mane.

“Oh my word.” The pony reacted. “What happened to you, darling? You’re positively soaked.”

“It’s raining.”

“Oh, well, yes. I can see that, but why are you all muddy?”

“Because, it’s raining.”

“But, how are you covered in so much mud when there are perfectly good benches to sit on around the park?”

“Because, it’s fucking rai-!”

“Not to interrupt this riveting conversation.” Trixie intervened. “But, I take it, you can provide shelter to this dullard?”

“Oh, yes. Of course, please, quickly, come in.” The pony helped Carl inside her home and out of the rain.

Before Trixie returned to her carriage, she left with one final comment: “Oh and Carl? You are now in Trixie’s debt. I look forward to you repaying me, with interest, of course.”

“My day just keeps getting better and better…”

As the pony closed the door behind Carl, she suddenly gasped. “Wait! Don’t move!”

“What? What’s happening?”

The pony grabbed a towel with her magic and scrubbed away at Carl’s hooves. “Stay still, I don’t want you tracking mud all over my boutique.”

“Of course…”

“Ah, much better.” After cleaning his hooves, the pony took a closer look at her guest, as she remembered seeing him somewhere before. “Oh, yes, you were the pony with Twilight earlier… the one who ran screaming into the forest…”

“Yep. What a fun afternoon that was...”

“Why did you do that?”

“I don’t even remember...”

“I see… what was your name again?”

“Carl.”

“Well, I’m Rarity and this... is my boutique!”

Rarity proudly presented her home, hoping Carl would be impressed with her stunning interior design and high-class occupation, but he barely batted an eye at her and instead, headed straight for the couch in the back of the room.

“Wait, where are you going?” Rarity asked, confused by his lack of interest.

“I’m just gonna sleep on this tonight, okay?”

“Oh, heavens, no!”

“For fuck’s sake! Where am I supposed to sleep, the floor!?”

“Carl, you’re soaking wet! Let me dry you off with a towel first… uh, a clean towel...”

Rarity threw the filth ridden towel away and quickly returned with a clean one. With her magic she was easily able to floss every inch of Carl’s body to make sure he was clean and dry.

“Uh... thanks. Bit rough, though.”

“Yes, well, we’re not finished yet.” Rarity pointed to a raised platform surrounded by mirrors on the other side of the room. “Go sit over there, darling and I’ll be right with you.”

Carl was both puzzled and a little hesitant. “Why...?”

Rarity had already ran upstairs. Too tired to complain, Carl climbed onto the platform and sat in the center, as he was told. He was a little overwhelmed by all the mirrors surrounding him, it was still hard to believe that the horse staring back at him was his own reflection.

Rarity soon returned, as a host of brushes and combs levitated around her.

The mirrors, the combs and that devilish smirk on her face, Carl had a sinking feeling in the pit of his gut, as he realised exactly what was about to go down. “Oh, sweet, Jesus…”

“Now, Carl. Are you ready for your makeover?”

“I think I'm about ready to make my way over to the exit.”

“But, dear. You mane and coat are so scruffy. I simply must groom you, neigh I NEED to groom you!”

“You don’t NEED to do anything.”

“But, it was my own towel that ruined your visage and robbed you of your unique style. I must make amends. My very soul yearns for me to right this wrong.”

“How much wine did you drink?”

“Only a couple glasses, darling. NOW, it is time for the magic!”

Carl was helpless as brushes and combs swept all over him, straightening out his shaggy fur and tidying up his mane.

Before he knew it, Carl’s coat sparkled with a beautiful sheen and his mane was slicked back and sleek, like a proper gentleman’s, with no loose ends in sight.

“Well?” Rarity asked. “What do you think? Pretty spiffy, right?”

Carl shook his body as his mane returned to its original scruffiness. “That’s better.”

“Oh… well, I guess the more frowzy look suits you more…”

Suddenly, a thunderous roar echoed throughout the carousel.

“Good heavens! Rarity exclaimed. “What on earth was that!?”

“I think that was my stomach crying in anguish…”

“Oh, you’re just hungry. I suppose I can whip something up for you.”

“Nah, I’ll just grab a snack or something…”

“Oh no, I insist. You can’t fight evil on an empty stomach.”

“I can’t fight evil at all, but I have a feeling you’re not going to say ‘no’.”

Carl sat at the kitchen table. He was droopy eyed and sleepy. He didn’t even bother to ask Rarity what she was cooking, as he was using all his remaining strength to not pass out.

Soon, Rarity presented Carl with a bowl of vegetable soup. “It’s nothing fancy, really, but it was quick, easy and guaranteed to hit the spot.”

“It’s more edible than most of the shit I’ve seen today.” Carl reached for the spoon, but much like the other utensils he encountered, he failed to pick it up.

“Aw, fuck it.” Foregoing the spoon entirely, Carl shoved his face straight into the bowl and devoured the vegetables.

Although Rarity was repulsed by Carl’s ravenous eating habits, that didn’t deter her from trying to speak with him. “Carl, I’ve been meaning to ask you something.”

Carl paused his gluttonous rampage for a brief moment. “Look, if you’re wondering why I’m homeless it’s because, the Princess of Friendship is a bitch, okay?”

“Actually, I was going to ask about that rag around your leg. I don’t recall you wearing it when we met.”

“Oh, this? It’s just covering a small cut, nothing major, but Fluttershy insisted I wear it.”

“I see... and here I thought it was some sort of strange fashion accessory.”

“Can I go back to eating now?”

“Of course, although it is rather strange.”

“Mmmmhph pph?” Carl replied with a mouthful of soup.

“From what Twilight told me, you’re a rather… aloof individual.”

“What are you getting at?”

“Well, it’s just… if you really don’t need that cloth then, why are you still wearing it?”

Carl looked at his rag. He felt a strange feeling of attachment towards it that he was too embarrassed to admit. “I-I don’t know. Whatever, I’m done. Thanks for the food, I probably would’ve died or something without it.”

He immediately hopped off his chair and headed for the kitchen door.

“Carl.” Rarity called. “You’re not just avoiding my question, are you?”

“No, I’m avoiding the answer, good night.” He made his exit and slammed the door shut behind him.

Five seconds later he returned to the kitchen. “Actually, you know what? That soup made me thirsty, let me get some water, real quick..”

“Ew, Carl. Don’t drink straight from the tap.”

“Oh, what!? You want me to break all your glasses!?”

With his thirst quenched, Carl returned to the sofa, for real this time.

After cleaning up Carl’s mess from his soup, Rarity sat alone in the kitchen and pondered to herself for a moment. Twilight’s description of Carl was certainly more harsh than simply calling him ‘aloof’, but after speaking with him personally, she wasn’t so sure if those descriptions were accurate.

He was most definitely rude, foul-mouthed and acted self-centered, but there was more to it than that. If he truly was as careless and arrogant as Twilight described, then why would he still be wearing that rag around his leg? Even after it was brought up, he still didn’t take it off.

He refused help when it was offered, even though he could have easily taken advantage of it. After all, he was personally chosen by the Princess herself, awarding him special privileges, yet he rarely used them. Finally, he was genuinely thankful for the food he was given, in his own way.

He was a puzzling character that Rarity had difficulty figuring out. Were Twilight’s descriptions overly exaggerated, or was Carl’s own exhaustion merely keeping his more uncouth behaviour at bay?

She left the kitchen to check on him, but found that Carl had already passed out on the sofa, snoring away. Not wanting to disturb him, she pulled a blanket over him and headed to bed herself.

Carl was left to slumber peacefully, as his consciousness drifted away into the realm of dreams...

Scouring the infinite plains of the dream realm was the Princess of the Night, Luna. She was searching for a particular pony’s dream. The dream of the one Celestia had summoned.

There were many portals scattered among the dream realm, all of which presented small windows into each sleeping individual’s current slumbering fantasy, but soon, she discovered the portal she was looking for and entered.

The dream world she had arrived in was that of a large, bustling city. Much larger than anything she had seen in Equestria. Not just in terms of scale, but in the literal size of the buildings. Where she once towered over most ponies, she suddenly felt like a small, lost child.

This oppressive atmosphere was only further emphasised by the tall, silhouettes of bipedal creatures that swarmed the streets of the city. They paid no attention to Luna, or to anyone else, as they pushed passed her. They were focused solely on reaching whatever destination they were headed for.

Feeling claustrophobic and trapped within the crowd of shadows, Luna forced her way onto the road where she was nearly struck by a large, mechanical, chariot machine. It roared and screeched down the road at incredible speeds, again, completely ignoring Luna’s presence.

She flew into the sky to give herself room to breathe. From above she noticed the grainy filter that seemed to skew her vision, as well as taking note of the blurred movements of the creatures and objects around her. Everything felt unfocused and indefinable.

With an aerial view of the city, she eventually found the location of the dreamer she had been searching for. Sitting alone, on a bench, was a pony watching the shadows pass by. He looked dazed and half asleep, like his mind was occupied elsewhere. Luna perched herself next to him on the bench.

“My, this is certainly a strange dream you are having.” Luna opened, but received no response.

“I must say, it’s been a while since I found myself lost in somepony else’s dream.” There was still no response, he just continued to stare blankly into the crowd.

"But, I guess that's to be expected from the imagination of a being from another world." Still nothing.

Luna waved her arm in front of the pony’s face, to check just how bad it was. “I see, I should have guessed from the sketchy and withered state of your dream that this would be the case.”

She took in a large breath and cranked up her royal speaking voice to maximum output. “WAKE UP, CARL!!!”

The pony finally snapped out of his trance, although still dazed, he finally noticed the Princess of the Night was sitting right beside him. “Dude… you alright?”

Luna chuckled. “Most amusing, you must have been truly exhausted to still be in a daze after that.”

“Do I know you from somewhere…?”

“I am Princess Luna! Guardian of the Night! Overseer of Dreams!” She announced, before returning to her normal speaking voice. “We met earlier this morning.”

“Oh… okay…”

“How are you feeling, Carl?”

“Light headed, did someone spike my drink or something?”

“No, Carl. This is a dream, you’re sleeping right now.”

“A dream…?” Carl slobbishly bobbed his head around, before looking at his own hooves. “Dude… am I a horse?”

“My word, you must have suffered from serious mental exhaustion to be left in such an intoxicated state. I think it’s safe to assume you had a most stressful day.”

“Lady… I don’t even remember my day… or anything right now…”

“I see… that explains the state of your dream.”

“What? Is it bad?”

“No, your subconscious is simply keeping your mind sedated, after a long, challenging day, to help it recover. As a result, your dream is rather, basic and repetitive, but also safe and familiar. At the very least, you seem to be getting a good night’s sleep.”

“I have no idea what any of that meant…”

"That's fine. All you need to know is that you're sleeping soundly."

The two ponies sat quietly as they watched the silhouettes scamper past each other. After a while, the creatures didn’t seem quite so alien to Luna. They reminded her of the ponies of Canterlot rushing to work every morning, right when she would normally be going to sleep herself.

“Carl…” Luna asked. “How are you feeling right now?”

“Uh…. not feeling anything, really…. just watching life go by….”

“These creatures we’re watching, are they from your world?”

“Well, if it’s my dream, then I guess so… but you’re in my dream too, so who’s to say you’re not from my world? I mean, it all depends on what you define as ‘your world’”

“Oh my, I had no idea you had any interest in philosophy.”

Carl laughed to himself. “Nah… I don’t know what the fuck is going on.... I’m just rambling to myself…”

Luna stood up on the bench, spreading her wings as she prepared to take off.

“You leaving, then?” Carl asked.

“Indeed, it was an… interesting chat.”

“If you say so.”

“To tell the truth, my sister requested that I check up on you.”

“Oh… that was nice of her… I guess…”

“She wanted to apologise for not seeing you again. It seems her princess duties ate up all her spare time. I’m afraid that happens quite frequently...”

Carl just shrugged it off. “Well, shit happens…”

Luna was about to take her leave, but at the last second she remembered something. “Oh, and Carl. Your dream isn’t the only one I visited this night. If you remember anything from our encounter, please, speak with Pinkie Pie.”

“What was that about pink pies?”

“Farewell, Carl.”

“So long, dream horse.”

Carl waved the Princess goodbye as he was left to enjoy the rest of his dream in peace.

“What the heck?” A tiny white filly, was perplexed by the stallion snoozing on her sister’s couch, who seemed to be waving to something in his sleep. Concerned, the pony hopped onto the couch and repeatedly poked the stallion on the nose, waking him up.

The stallion wasn’t prepared for the sudden booping and awoke in a panic. “Who!? What!? There's pink in my pies!?” He swung his limbs blindly until he fell onto the floor, covered by his blanket.

“Oh no… Did I break him?”

The stallion wrestled the blanket off his face. “What the…? Who the…? Are you a tiny horse?”

“Are you one of those crazy homeless ponies they have in Manehatten?”

“The fuck is a Manehatten?” As he got back on his hooves, he finally remembered that he did, in fact, have hooves. The groggy feeling in his head was suddenly lifted by his rage. “Goddammit! I’m still in this shitty world!”

“Carl!” Called a voice from upstairs. “That better not be my sister you’re yelling at!”

“But, she woke me up!”

“It’s twelve in the afternoon, darling!”

“How is that an excuse!?”

“Don’t make me come down there!”

Carl turned to the small pony. “You got off easy, this time, kid.”

The filly gave Carl a cheeky grin before running out of the house.

Carl was far too irritated to just go back to sleep. He stumbled into the kitchen and scavenged around for something to eat. He discovered the fruit bowl, but after crushing various oranges and bananas, he realised that he was incapable of peeling most of the fruit using his hooves, so instead he chose to shove a few apples down his gullet, his massive horse mouth made it far easier to consume them than he could as a human.

After leaving the fruit bowl in a state of disarray, he drunk directly from the tap once again, ready to face whatever life was about to slap in his face today.

Carl wasn’t sure what to do with himself, so he returned to the sofa and just sat there, like a lump, alone with his own thoughts. Although, the only thing he could think about was the bizarre dream he had. A dark horse, speaking to him about Celestia, was that really a dream? It seemed too specific and realistic for it to be. The fact that he could remember it at all was enough to raise suspicion.

“Oh, Carl… I didn’t know you were here…” Carl was so deep in thought he hadn’t noticed Fluttershy had quietly entered the building.

“What? Oh, Rarity’s upstairs.” He replied.

“O-oh, thanks…” She headed to Rarity’s room, but was only in there for a few minutes before returning.

As she passed by, she insisted on speaking with Carl about yesterday’s incident, but was far too nervous over how he might react. Still, she pushed her nerves aside and attempted a conversation. “S-so, Carl… did you sleep well?”

“What the hell are you so shaky about?”

“M-me? Oh, I’m just… a little chilly, that’s all. We’ll be bringing Winter in soon, you know?”

“What the fuck are you talking about?”

“Oh, nothing, just pegasi stuff.... so, did you sleep well or not?”

“Well, if you insist. I did have this weird dream where I spoke to some Princess Night Horse or whoever…”

“Princess? Did Princess Luna visit you in your dream?”

“I guess… can she do that?”

“Well, she is the Princess of the Night. It’s kind of her job.”

Carl suddenly felt very pleased with himself, having his suspicions confirmed. “I knew there was more to it. There was no way that dream was something my own subconscious could come up with, it was far too specific and coherent.”

“What do you normally dream about?”

“Uh… I once dreamt I punched a dude.”

“What? Why?”

“I don’t know, because he pissed me off?”

“Do all humans solve their problems through violence?”

“No…. although, we are pretty good at it.”

“Then, how else do they solve their problems?”

“By talking, I guess?”

Fluttershy climbed on the sofa, sitting across from Carl, who was leaning on the arm of the other side, just like a normal human would.

“What are you doing?” He asked.

“I’m waiting for Rarity to finish something for me.”

“Oh… whatever…”

“Um, I was wondering, if, maybe, you wouldn’t mind, talking more about the human world?”

Carl had no idea where she was going with this. Was this her idea of making conversation or was she genuinely curious? “Not much to say, really. It’s kinda like this world, but with machines instead of magic.”

“Do you have animals there?”

“Obviously, they don’t talk though and we eat most of them.”

“What!? So, you’re carnivores!?”

“Omnivores, actually. We’ll eat anything as long as it doesn’t kill us.”

“Even poor little bunnies, or birdies, or snakies!?”

“Sure, why not...”

“Oh my… humans sound kind of scary, but they can’t be all bad. I mean, you’re a human and you seem nice.”

“You’ve got a pretty weird definition of nice, if you’re using me as an example.”

“So, what are humans like, then?”

“They’re…. Uh….” Carl was stumped, he felt like he was asked to solve a complex riddle with no solution, causing his brain to run around in circles, desperately searching for an answer. “Well… what are ponies like?”

“Oh, well, we like to eat plants, enjoy peaceful lives, don’t like fighting much…”

“No, that’s what YOU think ponies are like, but can you say all ponies are like that?”

“Well, that’s what everypony I know is like.”

“But, what about the ponies you don’t know? The ponies who like fighting and think plants taste like crap. Ponies like me.”

“Uh… well…” Fluttershy’s mind was suddenly caught in the same illogical loop Carl’s was a moment ago. “Oh, I see now.”

“What the hell are you smiling at?”

“I guess we’re not so different after all. Which means, I should have nothing to worry about.”

"Do I even want to know what's going on in that horse brain of yours?"

“Fluttershy!” Rarity called. “It’s finished!”

Rarity entered the room and handed Fluttershy a beautifully woven, pink scarf. “Are you sure this will do?”

“Oh yes, it’s not much, but I’m sure this will help cheer her up. Thank you.” Fluttershy placed the scarf in her basket, waved goodbye and flew off.

“Oh, poor Pinkie.” Rarity sighed. “I can’t even remember the last time she felt this down. I wonder what could have caused it?”

Carl felt a sudden cold sweat run down his neck. Did she know about what happened? He hoped not, he couldn’t afford to lose his only means of food and shelter so soon.

“Are you okay, Carl? You look a little flushed?”

It didn’t seem like she knew, but now he couldn’t stop thinking about it. It was only a matter of time before this mess would eventually come back to bite him, again.

He leapt off the sofa and headed for the door.

“Carl, where are you going?” Rarity asked.

“Just… going for a walk…”

Author's Note

Didn't upload anything the past couple of weeks because I was sick. Not flu sick, but 'had to see a doctor and take medication' sick. Not dying or anything, but wow, was that a painful experience, at least it's sort of passed now.

Also, according to my notes, we're about halfway through, now.

Anyway, next time: Carl finally takes responsibility for his actions, against his own will, of course.

Part 8: Just Some Random Asshole

“Welp… time for another shit day…” Carl wandered through the park, having just left Rarity’s house. He hoped the fresh air would help clear his head and it certainly had nothing to do with the plight of a particular pink pony.

With no orders from Twilight or Celestia, he had nothing to do. All he really could do was sit around, waiting for time to pass by and hope that the mess he found himself in would eventually blow over.

Those plans were soon dashed by the rainbow pony that landed right in front of him. She looked furious, but it was a calm fury, the most dangerous kind of fury.

She stared at Carl for a moment, unsure of what to even say to him.

“What the hell are you staring at?” Carl asked, irritated.

There was no answer.

“You got a problem, or are you just here to waste my time?”

“Yeah… I got a big problem. I’m staring at it, right now.”

“Well, have fun with that.”

Carl passed by Rainbow Dash, as she kept her eyes locked onto him as he walked around her. He glanced back at her for moment, making eye-contact and then, he did the unthinkable... he left. Without even saying a word, he ignored her completely. Dash was understandably upset.

“Hey!” She called. “You can’t just walk away like that!”

But, he kept walking, forcing Dash to sprint ahead and block his path.

“What the hell do you want from me!?” Carl asked, growing impatient.

“I…. I thought you were cool, Carl!” Dash cried, suddenly getting emotional.

“Fucking what!?” Carl was legitimately surprised, he was expecting a fight, not a loss of admiration he wasn't even aware existed.

“Where is this shit coming from!?”

“I thought Twilight just exaggerated all that stuff about you, but I guess she was right. I can’t believe I tried to defend you! I was so stupid!”

“Wha-? Hold on, I think we skipped a few pages here! How is this my problem!?”

“Because I thought you were cool! But then you… How could you do that to Pinkie!?”

“Will you calm your tits, lady! I barely know you! We've hardly spoken to each other! I can’t even remember your name! Why are you crying over me!?”

“We didn’t need to speak. I understood you from the way you acted. When that Lightning Ball went haywire, everypony was freaking out, but you were strong, resilient and brave! You got the job done when nopony else could! I could totally see why the Princess chose you! You were just…. cool, you know?”

Carl was dumbfounded, he was the last person he would ever consider ‘cool’. “Lady, the only reason I did that shit was because I was losing my patience, while everyone else was acting retarded. If I succeeded, cool, if I failed, whatever.”

“But, that’s what made it cool. You just did it… and now you've gone and made Pinkie all depressed. I guess you ‘just did’ that, too.”

“Who the hell do you think I am!? Some kind of hero!?”

“Well… I don’t know…”

“The answer's: No, I'm not.”

With that final thought, Carl took his leave, but Dash wasn’t finished yet and called out to him one last time. “Could you at least go apologise to her or something!?”

“She’ll get over it.” Carl replied and continued to leave, he wasn’t in the mood to make any further comments.

“But, what if she doesn’t?” To Dash's dismay, Carl was already too far away, he couldn't hear her and she was left alone in the park.

Carl trekked through Ponyville, until he reached town hall. It was a large, imposing building compared to the small houses and tents that surrounded it, but Carl didn't care. The only reason he was here was for the tables and benches that were scattered around. He just wanted somewhere to sit down.

He slumped onto the bench and leaned into his arms as they rested on the table. A peculiar pose for a pony, but for a human, it was a clear sign of a tired and defeated man. He still didn’t know what to do. In fact, he didn’t feel like doing anything. He just wanted to go home. Of course, that wasn’t happening any time soon.

“Hey, is this the guy?” Asked an orange, pegasus filly.

“Yeah, he’s the one I saw sleeping in Rarity’s house.” Answered the white unicorn filly.

“What’s with his Cutie Mark? It’s just a black smudge.” Added the yellow, earth filly.

The pegasus climbed next to Carl to get a closer look, while the unicorn jumped up on the table to check if he was even awake.

Carl continued to sit with his head down, hoping the children would lose interest and leave him alone, but they soon started poking him in his side, trying to get a reaction out of him. They were genuinely curious about his odd Cutie Mark.

Carl lifted his head and politely asked: “What the fuck are you little shits doing?”

“Sorry, we didn’t mean to disturb you.” The white filly responded. “Hey, do you remember me?”

“You’re the brat from earlier.”

"Brat!?" The filly pouted, viciously.

"Yeah and who the hell are these other brats?"

The tiny unicorn decided to let the insult slide, just this once. “I’m Sweetie Belle. The orange filly is Scootaloo and the other one is Applebloom.”

“I take it you're friends?”

“Yeah!”

“Cool, now get lost.”

“Hey, don’t be like that.” Scootaloo asked, putting on a sweet face.

“Yeah.” Applebloom added. “We just wanna know about your Cutie Mark.”

She pointed to the black smudge on Carl’s rear.

“This thing? I got it in an accident.”

“What accident?” Applebloom asked.

“Were you cooking with your butt?” Added Scootaloo.

“Do you have a butt cooking Cutie Mark?” Sweetie asked, excitedly.

“What? No. Would you fuck off?”

Carl’s resistance only made Sweetie Belle's interest harder. “Aw… but every Cutie Mark has a story behind it. Tell us, please?”

“What’s so cute about it? It’s just a smudge.”

“What?” Scootaloo questioned. “Are you half asleep, we’re talking about actual Cutie Marks here.”

“What the fuck is a Cutie Mark?”

The fillies gasped, shocked by this sudden revelation.

“How could a grown up pony not know what a Cutie Mark is?” Sweetie Belle asked.

“Maybe he hit his head?” Applebloom proposed.

“Maybe he has amnesia!” Scootaloo added.

“Or maybe, you kids should go bug someone who cares.” Carl berated.

“Maybe he doesn’t have any special talents.” Sweetie Belle realised, ignoring Carl’s remarks.

“Oh no!” Applebloom was shocked by the very thought. “You mean that black smudge isn’t a Cutie Mark at all?”

“Quick, check the other side!”

Scootaloo quickly ran to Carl’s opposite side. It was just as they feared, there was no mark. “It’s blank!” She yelled, in horror.

Carl’s patience was wearing thin and he hardly had any to begin with. “Congratulations, detective. You figured it out. Can you leave me alone, now!?”

“No way!” Applebloom protested. “We can’t let you live your life with no Cutie Mark! As Cutie Mark Crusaders, it’s our duty to help ponies of all ages find their special talent and get their Cutie Marks!”

Carl was completely lost as to what the little filly was even talking about. “Kid, I think you're the one who hit their head.”

“Alright, let's get to work! We got Cutie Marks to crusade for!” The fillies tugged on Carl’s legs and arm, urging him to get off his butt and let them help him.

“Let go of me! I don’t want a fucking Cutie whatever!”

Just then, Sweetie Belle got an idea. “I know how to get him up.” She focused her magic on the bench he was sitting on, but it suddenly snapped in half, causing Carl to fall through and land on his rear.

“Sweetie Belle!” Scootaloo yelled. “What was that!?”

“Oops. I meant to move it, not break it...”

“That’s it.” Being forced to fall on his butt was the last straw. Carl was mad.

He rose from the ground as his tall, imposing figure intimidated the little fillies.

“I think he's upset.” Sweetie noticed.

“What do we do now?” Applebloom asked.

Scootaloo answered with a loud: “Cheese it!”

The Cutie Mark Crusaders ran into town, with Carl following after them in a rage. “Get back here, you little shits!”

He chased them through town, but for little shits, they were pretty fast. He could hear them giggling to themselves as he chased them, they were clearly having fun with him. If he were in a better mood he’d probably be amused by their mischievous behaviour, but right now, he wanted to let off some steam and this chase was the perfect excuse to do so.

The group eventually ran into the market, where they bumped into a stall, scattering the apples on sale, all over the ground.

“What in tarnation!?” The apple seller cried.

“O-oh, hey, Applejack.” Applebloom nervously greeted, as she and her friends climbed out of the barrel of apples they had just careened into.

“Applebloom, what the heck are you doing!?”

“Found you!” Carl finally caught up with the troublemakers, huffing and wheezing from having just sprinted across town. “Now…. you’re…. gonna be…. sorry….”

Applejack quickly figured out what trouble her sister was causing. “Applebloom. Were you and your friends bothering this stallion?”

“We were only playing, I swear!”

“Well, your ‘playing’ just cost us some precious apples. Now, go pick them up, before they go rotten and apologise to that pony.”

“Okay, sis….”

“Ha. Applebloom’s in trouble.” Scootaloo taunted.

“That goes for you two, as well. Come on, get to it.” Applejack quickly retorted.

The three fillies turned to Carl with their big puppy dog eyes and apologised in unison.

Carl wasn’t sure what to say, he was more used to being the provocateur, rather than the provoked. “Uh… good… don’t do it again, I guess...”

The fillies scavenged around, looking for any apples that could still be salvaged from the spillage.

“Man…” Carl sighed. “At least someone around here acts like a responsible adult.”

“Yeah…” Applejack replied, coldly, which Carl immediately picked up on.

“What? Do I smell?”

“You know, kids ain’t the only ones who are taught to apologise when they do something wrong. Sometimes adults need to be reminded, as well.”

“What? Is this about the apples? Because, those kids did that, don’t start pointing fingers at me….”

“That’s not what I’m talking about, Carl.”

He wasn't sure how this pony knew his name, but he sensed a disturbance and decided to play it safe.

“Carl…? No idea who you’re talking about.”

“Don’t think you can pull a fast one over me, just because I’m a country gal.”

“I don’t know who this Carl is. My name is Fence Kicker.”

"That's funny, Fence Kicker was just here a few minutes ago, buying apples."

"FU-..." Carl stumbled, but quickly pulled himself back together. "Oh, really. I guess we must share the same name. Weird coincidence, right?"

“Nice try, but just a second ago, you said ‘pointing fingers’ instead of ‘pointing hooves’.”

Carl’s facade was immediately shattered by Applejack’s surprisingly attentive ears. “Fucking…. goddammit… who the hell are you?”

“I’m Applejack. We already met at Fluttershy’s cottage.”

Carl scratched his head, which was a little awkward with hooves. “I don’t recall…”

“What? It was only yesterday, I kicked you, remember?”

“Oh, yeah… sorry, you kind of faded into the background during that whole scene…. kinda forgot you were there. So, what? Did Princess Pringles send you after me?”

“Pring-what? If you mean Twilight, we can talk about her another time. For now though, you’ve got something much more important that needs tending to.”

“What? You can’t order me around, you’re not my boss. I don’t have to do shit. In fact, fuck this shit, I’m outta here.”

Carl attempted to leave, but was caught by a lasso that suddenly slipped around his waist. He looked over to find Applejack holding the rope tightly in her mouth. “Oh, come on. You really think a little rope is going to stop me?”

He continued marching forward, but had great difficulty in breaking out of Applejack’s grasp, all he accomplished was tightening the rope’s grip around his waist, making it harder for him to breathe. “What…. the fuck… lady?”

Carl pushed as hard as he could, but eventually ran out of breath and collapsed. This was Applejack’s chance, she quickly rolled Carl over and tied his legs up like a freshly caught, wild animal.

“Phew…” She sighed. “Your as strong as you look, that’s for sure. I nearly lost my grip.”

“Oh, this is some bullshit...” Carl grumbled, while struggling, but failing to break free from the cowgirl’s lasso.

“You’re coming with me.” Applejack tied the other end of the rope to her tail. “Applebloom, could you watch over the stall for me? I’ve got a friendship problem that needs tending to.”

“You got it, sis!” The filly saluted.

As Applejack dragged Carl across town, he looked back to see the little filly sticking her tongue out, playfully mocking him.

“Little punk.” He muttered.

As Applejack dragged Carl across town, it wasn't long before he mustered up the energy to start yelling, again. “Hey, Apples! You going to explain this shit, or what!?”

"Ain't it obvious?"

"No."

“You’re gonna apologise!”

“For what!? To who!?”

“To Pinkie Pie, obviously!”

“What!? Fuck you! I’m not apologising for nothing!”

“I figured you’d say something like that. That’s why I brought the rope.”

“So, you could kidnap me!?”

“Call it what you want, but I ain’t letting go of you, until you apologise!”

“Well, I ‘ain’t’ doing shit!”

“That foul-mouth of yours may ruffle the other pony’s feathers, but it won’t work on me. My sassy little sister ain’t afraid to give me lip and she can put up a way better fight than you.”

“Kinda hard to fight when you’re tied up with rope.”

“If you’re tied up with rope, then you’ve already lost. Now, quit complaining and think about how you’re going to apologise.”

“The only thing I’m gonna be thinking about is kicking your ass, the moment you untie me!”

Applejack laughed at the idea. “Yeah, good luck with that!”

Despite his constant fidgeting and yelling, Applejack managed to drag Carl all the way to Sugarcube Corner, onlookers be damned. She kicked open the door, surprising Mrs. Cake, who was working the counter. “Oh my, what’s with all the ruckus, Applejack?”

“Got a special delivery for you.” Applejack heaved Carl into the shop and untied him. His back ached from having it grazed across the ground. He thought about making a dash for the exit, but Applejack was already blocking the door.

“Hey, Apples. Remember the part where I said I’d kick your ass?”

“You picking a fight boy?”

"Hey, I guess you really aren't a dumb country girl, after all."

"Don't make me buck you into next week, Sunshine."

Mrs. Cake wasn’t sure what was going on, but she was not going to allow violence in her store and immediately broke them up. “Nopony is picking a fight with anypony!” She warned. “Applejack, just who is this stallion?”

“Oh, don’t mind him, he’s just here to see Pinkie Pie, aren’t you, Carl?”

“Well, I am now, jackass…”

“Pinkie?” Mrs. Cake questioned. “Are you sure? She’s not really in the mood for visitors right now. Maybe you should introduce your friend some other time.”

“Now’s the perfect time! Carl’s got something special for her.”

“Special? But I don’t see any gifts.”

“It ain’t a gift you can wrap, if you get what I'm saying.”

“Oh….? Oh!” A red hue brightened up Mrs. Cake’s face. “I see, now. How very sweet of him.”

Carl’s violent anger quickly subsided as he suddenly felt extremely awkward, with a cold sweat running down his neck. “I don’t like those implications…”

“She’s upstairs in her room, but, please, be gentle with her, okay?”

“What the hell kind of visit do you think I’m here for?”

Applejack was oblivious to the tension in the room. She was far more focused on forcing Carl to take responsibility for the mess he made. “Right… Come on, big guy. Time to march up those stairs like a man and show Pinkie what you’re made of!”

“Uh… maybe later…” Carl attempted to back out, but Applejack’s lasso said otherwise.

“Don’t make me drag you up those stairs, boy. Because, I’ll do it.”

Carl sighed, giving in to Applejack’s demands as she escorted him up the stairs.

“Ah…. I remember when Carrot Cake used to bring me special gifts.” Mrs. Cake reminisced, much to Carl’s discomfort.

They climbed the stairs towards Pinkie’s room. Once they arrived outside her door, Applejack gave Carl a moment to prepare himself.

“Now, don’t feel too nervous, just go in, say you sorry and everything will be fine. Pinkie’s not the type of girl to hold a grudge… I think.”

“Let’s just get this over with.”

Carl braced himself, despite every fibre of his being begging him to bail, he busted open the door, bursting into the room.

There was already a couple of ponies in the room, sitting on the bed. Near the bottom was Rainbow Dash, on the pillow was Fluttershy, but sitting by the window, staring into the world outside, was a greyish pony with a long mane, that was straight as a board.

Carl didn’t recognise her at first, but then he remembered…

The blue pony was Rainbow Dash.

He drew a blank on who the greyish pony was, though.

“Hey.” He called, announcing his presence. “Where’s Pinkie?”

“Carl.” Fluttershy sighed with relief as she hopped off the bed along with Rainbow Dash to greet him. “See, Dash. I knew he’d come, eventually.”

“Yeah… and all it took was a little ‘convincing’ from Applejack.” She chuckled as she pointed to the rope still wrapped around Carl’s waist.

“Yeah, yuck it up. So, where is she? I need to talk to her.”

“She’s sitting just over there.”

“What?” Carl looked over at the greyish pony sitting by the window, but he still couldn’t make out who they were. “That’s not Pinkie, Pinkie’s… well, pink.”

“What are you, blind? Of course, that’s Pinkie.”

Carl walked over to the saddened pony, to examine them more closely. Upon closer inspection, their grey coat did have a pinkish hue to it, same with their mane, but the clincher was that she had the same big blue eyes.

He could never forget the way they stared directly into his soul, after she tackled him to the ground, yesterday. Although, today they were more fixated on staring into empty space.

“Jesus, Pinkie…” Carl cringed. “I know you’re sad, but you didn’t have to goth yourself up like this. It's a bit much, don't you think?”

There was no response, not even an acknowledgement of Carl’s presence. “Hey, are you ignoring me?” He waved his arm in front of her face, but still got nothing.

“Hey, stupid!” He yelled, only to receive more nothing. “Aw, fuck it. I tried.”

Carl gave up and attempted to leave, but Applejack blocked the way, again. “That wasn’t much of an apology.”

“No point in apologising if she’s not listening.”

“Maybe, she’ll start listening if you start apologising.”

“Or maybe, she’s just not interested.”

“Well, calling her ‘stupid’ ain’t exactly the best way to grab her interest.”

“But, she is stupid. Getting all sad, because someone yelled at her? Oh, what a fucking tragedy…”

“Don’t get all sarcastic on me. Why is it so hard for you to just say, you’re sorry.”

“Because it doesn't mean anything! Look at her! She’s just sitting there, like a depressed lump, even though she lives in a cupcake above a bakery, is surrounded by friends who are willing to drop everything just to support her and she got a free scarf, that was made by another one of her friends! What the fuck does she have to be depressed about!?”

“Carl.” Fluttershy interrupted. “Just because Pinkie has all those things doesn’t mean she doesn't get sad. Especially when the cause is something a lot more… um… personal.”

“You’re talking about me, right?”

“If I was, I know that the best thing that you could do is, maybe... apologise... maybe...?”

“No way. There’s no reason for her to be this sad. I say we just let her wallow in her own misery until she gets over it.”

“But, you haven’t even tried.” Dash argued. “Look, I’ve seen Pinkie like this before and she was pretty unhinged, but this time, she’s just completely shutdown and that’s not normal. You did this to her, the least you could do is try to help.”

“Are you blind and stupid!? I went right up to her face and she didn’t even look at me! I tried talking to her and I didn’t even get a reaction! She’s not interested in my help and I’m not interested in giving her my help! God, you know, none of this shit would have happened if she had just left me alone in the first place...”

Rainbow Dash was about to raise an objection when there was a sudden loud thump. Pinkie suddenly moved.

The other ponies watched quietly as Pinkie walked over to Carl, as if she had just been struck by some sort of epiphany.

She looked Carl right in the eye, before bending down and exclaiming: “I’m so sorry, Carl.”

“WHAT!?” Her friends yelled in unison.

Even Carl was confused, speechless even. This came so far out of left field, it was from a completely different ball game.

“Please, just hear me out!” She begged.

“Wha-? I-”

“It’s just, you helped me finally figure something out. I just can’t believe it took me this long.”

“Wha…? Pinkie, you need to slow this crazy train down, because I have no idea where the fuck it’s headed.”

Pinkie took a deep breath. She had spent the past twelve hours or so, thinking long and hard about her relationship to Carl and how it all went horribly wrong and so, she had a lot to get off her chest.

“See, when I first met you, you looked so sad and lonely, even though you were with Twilight, who's super nice and friendly. I thought you just needed some cheering up, that you just needed somepony to make you laugh, to help break the ice, but you weren’t like that at all.

You were cold and distant and mean. You acted like an overconfident, arrogant jerk, so much so, that even Twilight couldn’t stand you. But I wasn’t about to give up on you, because I know a fake smile when I see one.

Making you smile became my top priority and I mean a real smile, from real joy, but no matter how hard I tried, I just couldn’t find a way to connect with you. Everything I tried just pushed you further and further away. You only took part in activities because you had to, not because you wanted to and that’s no way to have fun.

I didn’t understand. How can somepony be so sad and yet, be so unwilling to make friends, especially when they’re all alone in a different world? But, after doing a lot of thinking, I think I finally figured it out.

Carl, you don’t actually like being the center of attention. You act cocky, but you really just want to be left alone, to enjoy life at your own pace. The last thing you want is some hyper pony pushing you around, trying to get you to do things you don’t want to do.

You kind of remind me of Cranky, I just didn’t notice it at the time, since you were so much more willing to humour me than he was.

I’m sorry…”

The room fell silent, as Pinkie’s friends were left dumbfounded by her sudden maturity. It seemed it was up to Carl to finally break that silence.

“You really are an idiot.” He scolded. “You really think you got me figured out, don’t you? Do you even know who the hell I am?”

“No.” Pinkie answered, meekly.

“Exactly, I’m nobody. Just another random asshole."

Pinkie was a little shocked. She was expecting Carl to hurl insults at her, not himself.

"What the hell are you doing cooped up in your room, like a depressed teenager? How can you get so sad over some random asshole, who doesn’t like you, especially when these assholes already like you?” Carl directed Pinkie’s attention to her friends, who weren’t particularly keen on being labelled assholes.

“How can you get so offended over what some random asshole has to say? Since when did people start evaluating their own self-worth by what some random assholes think of them? Who cares? There are so many other people out there who are more worth your time and who are willing to let you be worth their time.

Take it from someone with experience, there's always going to be people in the world who don't like you, you can't please everyone and if you lock yourself away in this room, you won't please anyone, not even yourself.

You have friends, Pinkie, real friends. Don't lose sight of them, or you might lose them forever… you idiot.”

The ponies were stunned. They never imagined Carl was capable of saying anything even remotely encouraging to Pinkie, even if he did say it in his own special way.

Pinkie started giggling to herself. “Aww, that’s the kind of friendship lesson I’d expect from somepony like Twilight or even the Princess. You really do have a nice side, buried underneath all that cynicism.”

“Oh, really?” Carl quickly retorted. “Well, don't get too attached to it, because I’m never saying that shit, again. I shouldn't have to give a friendship speech to an adult, you should know better, besides they sound fucking gay. The next time you fall into your little depression hole, you can crawl back out of it yourself.”

“Okie dokie.”

“What the hell are you smiling at, now?”

“I don’t know, I just feel like smiling.”

“Well, you’re definitely back to normal. Guess that means I can finally get out of here.”

The others may not have seen it, as they were standing behind him, but as Carl turned around, for a brief moment, Pinkie caught a glimpse of a real genuine smile. Although, it faded as quickly as it appeared as Applejack was still blocking the door.

“Goddammit, will you move, already!?” Carl cried.

“I know a lot of complicated stuff just happened between you two, and Pinkie certainly looks a lot cheerier, but there’s still one more thing you have left to do.”

“What more could there possibly be!?”

“Apologise.”

“What!? Are you still going on about that!? God damn, you are one stubborn horse!”

“Boy, I’m practically the definition of stubborn.”

She swiveled Carl back around to face Pinkie, who eagerly awaited his response, but Carl was still trying to figure out a way to weasel out of the situation.

“What the hell do I have to apologise for?”

“Well….” Fluttershy replied. “You did treat her pretty badly, called her names, ruined her bowling game and then you sent her into a spiraling depression.”

“But, she was so annoying…”

“Geez.” Dash added. “I could say the same thing about you, just apologise already.”

“But, I… she’s just….”

“Just do it!” Applejack ordered.

Carl turned back to face Pinkie, with her big blue eyes and heartwarming smile. The more he tried to fight it, the more painful it became, there was only one way of escaping this nightmare and it was with his pride in shambles.

He took in a deep breath, lowered his head and bluntly stated. “I’m sorry.”

Pinkie’s mane immediately popped back into it’s frizzy, wild state as her coat returned to it’s bright, bubblegum pink, luster. She latched onto Carl for a big hug. “I knew it! I knew you cared!”

Carl wanted nothing more than to tell her to ‘shut up’, but he had already conceded to swallowing his pride just a moment ago. There was no point in whining about it now, instead he simply let her enjoy the moment.

It was a painful struggle, but the rest of Pinkie’s friends were glad to finally see Carl take some responsibility for his actions, at least, just this once.

Pinkie eventually released Carl from her grasp, but something was still choking him. Carl’s neck started feeling itchy, too. He felt around his neck and found a pink scarf, snuggly tied around him. “What is this?”

“It’s the scarf Fluttershy got for me. I want you to have it, you know, as a sign of our friendship.”

The scarf was a bright pink, something he normally wouldn’t be caught dead wearing, but considering it was from Pinkie, he didn't have much of a choice.

Dash stifled a laugh. “It looks good on you.”

Carl chose to ignore her comment.

“Hey, I know what we can do!” Pinkie suddenly declared. “Let’s go see Twilight! We can show her that everything‘s all better between us, now!”

“I guess?” Carl wasn’t sure Twilight was going to forgive him that easily, but Pinkie seemed pretty determined about it, so he decided to go along with her.

The ponies headed back down stairs, Mrs.Cake was glad to see Pinkie was back to her old self again and as they exited the bakery, Rarity was already outside. “I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner, I just finished work.”

“That’s okay, Rarity.” Pinkie assured. “Everything’s fine and dandy, now. We’re gonna go see Twilight, you coming?”

“Oh, well, yes, of course. Thank goodness everything turned out alright.” Even though her friends all seemed happy, Rarity couldn’t help but be distracted by Carl’s pink scarf. It clashed horribly with his rough, frowzy look.

Carl, surrounded by Twilight’s friends, headed towards the Castle of Friendship. He barely knew these girls, but he somehow developed an odd sense of attachment and respect towards them that he couldn't quite explain. Whatever it was, he couldn’t wait to rub it in Twilight’s face. It seemed, however, before he could get to her, there was still one final obstacle blocking his path.

“Hey!” Pinkie asked. “Who’s that pony standing outside Twilight’s Castle?”

“That’s odd.” Rarity pondered. “He looks like a guard, but I don’t recall Twilight ever hiring any guards.”

As they got closer, Carl was able to get a better look at this mysterious new guard.

“Oh, goddammit. It’s that fucker, Unis.”

Author's Note

Ew... friendship speeches...

Next time: Plot actually happens.

Part 10: Just Happened to be at the Right Place at the Right Time

As the train passed through the mountains, bathed in the orange light of the setting Sun, Twilight and her friends were enjoying their peaceful trip to Equestria’s capitol, resting on the seats, side by side, as they discussed various different topics to keep themselves occupied until their arrival.

However, while Twilight's friends enjoyed each other’s company, Carl and Unis sat on opposite sides of the train cart, as far away from each other as physically possible. Every so often, their line of sight would cross paths and they would glare for a moment, but ultimately, nothing else would come from it.

Carl thought about how the trains back home were usually filthy, cramped and filled with questionable odours and even more questionable passengers, luckily his distaste for public transport was mitigated by the fact that, as a Princess, Twilight had reserved her own private cart for them. The cart was spotless, free from any homeless people and their stray, stained newspapers, allowing Carl to relax and enjoy the scenery, passing by his window.

Mountains, trees and a host of bizarre creatures scrolled by, they were honestly the most intriguing sights he'd ever seen since he arrived in Equestria. It made him question why Celestia decided to send him to Ponyville at all, with its mind-numbing mundanity.

Carl had been mostly silent throughout the journey, as he wasn’t pleased with having to share a cart with Unis, then again, for Unis, the feeling was mutual. Their bitter rivalry was becoming a concern for Twilight and her friends as they feared tensions may escalate.

At times like this, there was only one thing that Twilight felt could liven their mood. From under her seat she pulled out a small box.

“Hey, Carl, Unis.” She called. “Do you want to play a game?”

“Uh, Twi?” Applejack asked. “Have you always kept that box under there?”

"What? Why? Is it weird?"

"Never mind... but, are you sure that'll help?"

“Well, if they’re going to fight, I’d rather they do it with cards, rather than their hooves. Besides, I’ll be here to break them up if things get… heated.”

Carl had no interest in playing pony games, but Unis couldn’t refuse a request from a Princess and swiftly joined her.

“Carl? Are you sure you don’t want to play? It’s really good.” Sadly, Twilight’s persuasive box shaking was ineffective.

“Nope, I’d rather stare out this window.”

“Carl, we’re in a tunnel.”

“I’ve made my choice.”

“Are you sure you’re okay with us having fun without you? I don’t want you complaining about it later.”

“I’m fine, Sprinkler.”

“Well, alright…” Twilight was a little disappointed. She hoped Carl’s competitive side would compel him to at least give it a try, but with Unis distracted, her plan was still somewhat successful, until the Captain suddenly opened his big mouth.

“Ignore him, Princess. The commoner is nothing more than a knight with an empty scabbard.” He smugly proclaimed.

“What the fuck does that even mean?” Carl responded, offended more by his lack of understanding of the insult, rather than the insult itself.

“It means: you're scabbard carries no blade for you to strike me with. In other words: you’re all talk.”

“Well, excuse me, Captain Coward, but where I'm from, we fight with our fists, not with cards.”

“How predictable. You’re finally given an opportunity to best me in a contest of skill and all you can do is make excuses. And you had the nerve to call me a coward.”

“You’re a dunderfuck, is what you are!”

“You're simple minded slander only proves my point.”

“Motherfucker, I could slap your shit all over this cart, if I wanted to!”

“I wouldn't let you lay a hoof on me, you obnoxious cur!”

“That’s it! Nobody calls me a cur!”

With his blood boiling, Carl was raring for a fight as he marched over to Unis, but before he could raise a hoof, he was frozen by Twilight’s magic.

“Woah, back up Carl.” She ordered. “This is exactly the kind of situation I was trying to prevent.”

“Well, you’re doing a real bang-up job, Princess.”

Twilight could only let out her usual, exasperated sigh in response to Carl’s petty sarcasm. “How about you two sort out this little rivalry of yours with a simple card game, you know, instead of beating each other senseless.”

Having been given a moment to think about it, Carl reluctantly agreed. “Fine, I didn’t want to fight in this shitty little cart, anyway...”

Twilight was filled with glee, happy to finally be able to share her new game with everyone, as she placed the box on an empty seat. “Alright, everypony. Here it is.”

Carl squinted at the box, fumbling around as he tried, but failed to read the cover. “Wow, it’s…. uh…. um…… that... thing….”

“It’s called: Contradiction.”

“Yeah, that! Wait, what? Is that some sort of lawyer simulator?”

“No. It’s a simple card game.”

Twilight opened the box to reveal the cards inside, as she explained the rules.

“Each pony has 3 cards. A sword, a shield and a hammer. Sword beats hammer, hammer beats shield, shield beats sword and if both cards are the same, then it’s a draw. Both ponies reveal one card to each other at the same time and the idea is to predict what card your opponent is going to play and counter it.”

“So, it’s Rock, Paper, Scissors, but with cards.” Carl bluntly stated, expecting something a little more nuanced than a game he learned when he was five.

“You’ve heard of this game, Carl?”

“Wha-? Of course I have! Who the fuck doesn’t know about Rock, Paper, Scissors!?”

“Ponies who don’t have hands.”

“Oh… Yeah, that makes sense.”

Unis stifled a laugh. “With that kind of intellect at your disposal, I can’t imagine this game being much of a challenge.”

“I should hope not, be kind of embarrassing if you found a kid’s game challenging.”

“I guess that makes it the perfect game for you, commoner.”

“Yeah, so don't start crying when I beat you, unless you want to skip playing the game and move on to the part where I cave your face in!”

“Nopony is caving anypony’s face in!” Twilight interrupted, separating them with her magic. “If you two really have a problem with each other, can you please, try to settle it through a non-violent, card game, instead?”

“No, that’s fucking stupid.” Carl objected. “I’d much rather punch the dude, instead.”

“You’re not punching anypony!”

“Ignore him, Princess.” Unis responded. ”This child can hardly read. Do you honestly expect him to have the brains necessary to understand how to play a children’s game?”

“You must think I’m pretty stupid, don’t you!?”

“I'm glad you finally figured that out. For a brief moment, I was almost concerned for your intelligence.”

“In that case, I’ll do it. I’ll beat you in this dumb card game, then we’ll know who the real retard is.”

Unis was unfazed by Carl’s boasting. He took his seat, picked up his cards and waited to begin.

Carl sat in the seat across, he tried to pick up his cards, but they kept slipping from his grasp, until he dropped them all over the floor.

“Carl!” Twilight yelled. “Those are expensive!”

“Sorry, I’ll pick them up…” Carl scrambled to retrieve his cards, but only ended up damaging them further.

“No, no, no, stop!” Twilight lifted Carl aside and picked the cards up herself. “Oh, look at what you did, you creased it....”

“They’re just cards, Twiggles, you’ve got plenty more.” Carl shoved his massive hooves directly into the delicately crafted box, as he shuffled the cards around.

“Will you stop that!” Twilight ordered as she fixed Carl’s mess. “These are rare, collector’s cards, made especially in Canterlot!”

“Fine, you fucking nerd, then you hold them for me.”

“I guess I’ll have to, you... child.”

Twilight levitated Carl’s cards in front of him.

“Alright, you ready to play, Captain?” Carl goaded.

Unis remained calm, his confidence, for once, was unwavering. He wasn’t blind, he saw that the card Carl dropped and damaged was the sword, even with the cards turned away from him, he could still see the crease on the bottom corner.

If Carl played the sword card, he knew he could counter it without having to guess, which gave him a 50/50 shot at beating any other cards Carl would play.

“Such a fool.” He thought to himself. “Completely unaware he’s already lost, thanks to his own bumbling, incompetence. Perhaps it is a little unfair to best him through somewhat illegitimate means, but surely if he was as clever as he thought he was, he would have noticed the crease and replaced the card already. So, consider this a lesson. A lesson in how the superior conduct themselves and why you'll always remain a mere commoner.”

“Um, Carl.” Twilight asked, as she prepared his cards. “I don’t think you can win with this.”

“Of course I can, just watch.”

“You sure you don’t want me to-”

“I’m fine, Twiddler.” Carl asserted.

Twilight didn't think Carl could really be this stupid, but she wasn’t going to argue with him, even if he was clearly putting himself at a disadvantage.

“Alright... This is a best of five.” Twilight explained. “Whoever wins three matches, wins the game.”

The battle began and Carl immediately picked the center card. It wasn’t creased, meaning Unis had to take the 50/50 shot. He thought carefully about what card Carl would play and deduced, given his attitude, he would obviously go on the offensive and pick the hammer card.

Unis made his choice and the two revealed their cards. Unis played the sword, but Carl instead played the shield.

“Hey, I won. How about that?” Carl gloated.

Unis was mildly shocked, but it was a minor setback. Their hand’s were shuffled and the second round began, as Carl immediately picked his next card, just as swiftly as before, as if he wasn't thinking at all.

It wasn’t creased, so it was another 50/50 shot. Unis thought for a moment, given Carl’s uncouth nature, it was entirely possible that he would play the same card twice, just to be annoying.

Unis made his choice and they revealed their cards, again. Unis picked the hammer and Carl, as predicted, picked the shield.

“Ha.” Unis laughed. “Your tricks are far too predictable.”

“S-Shut up.”

The score was tied, one each, moving into the third round. They revealed their cards, again. Unis played the sword and Carl played the shield.

“What? The shield a third time?” Unis was certain Carl would give up on using it once his childish gimmick had failed.

“Is there a problem, Captain?”

Carl’s attitude was concerning to Unis, but nevertheless, he continued the game. He was certain Carl was playing some kind of mind game and so, predicted that he would play the shield a fourth time.

They revealed their cards, Carl did, indeed, play the shield with Unis countering with the hammer.

“Aw man, guess I am too predictable.” Carl facetiously lamented, shrugging his shoulders.

Unis was growing anxious. Perhaps Carl really was aware of the crease on his sword card. Was he intentionally not playing it to be safe? Or, was he really so simple minded and callous, that he would play the same card repeatedly without even thinking?

There was no way Carl would play the shield a fifth time, even he wouldn’t be that reckless, meaning that whatever card he did play would be entirely predictable, thus securing Unis’ victory.

He knew he could win. He needed this win. For the sake of his pride, he needed a solid victory against Carl, one that would cement Unis as his true superior. Just when he was beginning to feel the tension building, it suddenly melted away when he finally saw it.

Just like every other turn, Carl picked his card immediately, but this time, his card was creased. It was the sword card that Unis saw him drop earlier. It seemed Carl really did have no idea it was damaged, or he’d never play it, not that Unis had any objections.

With their score’s tied, they headed into the final, decisive battle, with Unis being unable to contain his delight. “You put up a decent fight, commoner, but I’m already one step ahead, I know exactly what card you played.”

Carl turned to Twilight, with his own cocky smirk. “Ooh, he sounds confident. Now, watch closely Twily, this is where the real fun begins.”

Twilight had been watching their game closely, and could tell some shenanigans were about to go down.

Unis revealed his card first, the shield. “Now, show me your sword card.”

“Well, shit, I guess you got me.” Carl spun the levitating card around to reveal: The hammer.

“WHAT!?” Unis cried in disbelief.

“Gotcha.” Carl grinned.

“But, how!?”

“How what?”

“Don’t play stupid with me! I saw you drop the sword card!”

“Oh, you did? Did you try to use that to your advantage?”

“I… of course I did, who wouldn’t?”

“That doesn’t sound very fair. Almost like, what’s the word I’m looking for? Cheating?”

“It was to teach you a lesson for not being observant enough to realise your own folly!”

“Oh good, in that case, you can consider my cheating a lesson in not being observant enough to realise I swapped the sword card for a second hammer card, right under your nose.”

“What? When?”

“I snuck it into the box when I was rummaging through it, earlier. Then I snagged the hammer card underneath my hoof and lifted it out without anyone noticing. I even gave it a nice crease in the corner, where I snagged it.”

“Princess, you could see his cards, so you must have known. Why didn’t you say anything?”

Twilight shrugged. “I told him he’d be at a disadvantage, but he insisted on playing anyway.”

Unis felt betrayed and devastated by his loss. “I...I… can’t believe I lost to such underhooved, trickery.”

“Dude.” Carl chuckled. “It’s just a game, who cares?”

The smug look on Carl’s face was like a dagger in Unis’ soul. Admitting defeat to this commoner was a painful blow to his pride as a Captain. Not that Carl himself dwelled much on his victory, to him it was just a dumb game.

“Hey everypony!” Applejack announced. “We’re here!”

“About damn time!” Carl rejoiced.

The train pulled into the station as Carl and the others passed through the gates of the rich and bustling city of Canterlot.

“Damn… look at this place.” Carl was in awe, compared to Ponyville, Canterlot was a massive step-up in terms of presentation. The buildings were huge, each one could be considered its own castle. The roads were spotless, Carl finally felt like he was walking on solid ground instead of the dirt streets of Ponyville.

“Man.” He expressed. “This place makes your kingdom look like shit, Twinkle.”

“Thanks, Carl…” Twilight begrudgingly replied.

“Holy shit, what’s that place?” Carl pointed to a lavish, extravagant and eccentric looking clothing store.

“Oh, that’s just my Canterlot boutique.” Rarity answered, nonchalantly.

“Wait? You own two boutiques?”

“Oh, don’t be silly… I own three.”

“And here I thought you were some elitist try hard.”

“Um…. I appreciate the compliment…? I think…?”

Pinkie suddenly popped into the conversation. “You wanna see something neat?”

Carl jolted in shock. “Shit, Pinkie. What?”

“There’s a great restaurant around here, that’s run by a friend of mine.”

“And, how is that important?”

“Because, they make the most deliciously spicy food you’ve ever tasted. Way better than the stuff in Ponyville.”

“Spicy food? That actually sounds edible and not shitty. Let’s go find this place.”

"Oh!" Dash added. "And maybe later I can show you around the stadium where the Wonderbolts put on their air shows."

"You mean 'flying pony air shows'? What the fuck, where was all this shit in Ponyville?"

“NO!” Twilight interrupted. “Really, Carl? After all the trouble you caused yesterday, now you want to go sightseeing?”

“Of course.”

“We don't have time for distractions. Not when that monster in still out there. Stay focused.”

“But, I’m hungry and bored and....”

“We’re seeing the Princess, now!”

“Okay, mom…”

Twilight was about to direct the group to Celestia’s castle, when a sudden frightened cry, echoed from a nearby alleyway.

A young, aristocratic mare was pinned against the wall by a unicorn, levitating some kind of weapon before her, shrouded in the darkness of the alley.

Upon first witnessing the scene, Carl immediately informed Unis. “Yo, Captain. There’s a mugging going on in there, might want to do something about that.”

While skeptical at first, Unis couldn’t afford to ignore such a serious claim, but as soon as he examined the scene, he took swift action. “Halt, citizen! What’s going on, here!?”

The unicorn grabbed hold of the mare, levitating the weapon dangerously close to her face. “N-nopony move! I’ve got a hostage!”

The mare screamed in terror, begging for help. Upon hearing her cries, Twilight jumped in to aid Unis. “Stop right there! You can’t escape!”

“Are you kidding me!?” The unicorn yelled. “The Captain of the Royal Guard and a Princess!? I just wanted some quick cash! Just my luck...”

The unicorn backed up, deeper into the alley, but the glow emanating from a window shed light on his person, revealing a scar across his eye, as well as his weapon.

“Stop!” Unis ordered. “Move another step and I’ll be forced to take action!”

“Yeah.” Twilight added. “Now, put down the kni-... uh… spoon?” Twilight was taken aback for a moment. “Are you holding a spoon?”

The unicorn became flustered, he was hoping the darkness would conceal his ‘weapon’. “Sh-shut up! I had to improvise, okay!?”

Even his hostage was displeased. “I screamed in terror over this?”

Realising his plan had backfired, heavily, he did the one thing he could do in his current situation. He released a burst of magic, blinding everyone in the alley and ran away.

As he escaped, he looked back on two of the most powerful authority figures in Equestria and laughed at how easily he managed to out-manoeuvre them.

This laughter was cut short once his face was implanted against what he could only describe as solid rock, knocking him to the ground. He looked up to find Carl’s intimidating figure looming over him, his arm out-stretched.

One look at Carl's demeanour and he could tell, he wasn’t like the prissy, snobbish citizens of Canterlot, nor was he like the disciplined and reserved guards. Carl gave off a completely different aura, one that felt distinctly un-pony like. Like a wolf in sheep’s clothing.

“Stay back, buddy!” The unicorn threatened, raising his weapon.

“Is that a fucking spoon?” Carl laughed.

With his bluff, called, the unicorn squealed and turned to run away, only to bump into Unis, who quickly restrained him with magic and arrested him.

“Geez, the criminals in this world sure are pathetic.”

“Don’t get so cocky, this one was just an idiot, who almost got lucky.” Unis replied. “Princess, I’ll have to meet up with you later, while I deal with this fool.”

With Unis escorting the criminal way, Twilight turned her attention to Carl. “Why did you do that?”

“Do what?”

“Stop that criminal.”

“I don’t know… just happened to be at the right place at the right time.”

“Well, whatever the reason was, thank you.”

“Whatever… let’s just go to the castle already.”

Twilight still couldn’t comprehend what was going through Carl’s head, but she felt that very slowly, she was finally seeing more to this arrogant jerk, whom she disowned only yesterday.

Upon reaching the castle and climbing a very tall set of stairs, the group was easily granted entry from the guards thanks to the presence of Princess Twilight and entered Celestia's throne room.

“I wonder if the Princess is even around right now?” Twilight pondered to herself.

“HEY, CELESTIA!” Carl yelled, his voice echoing throughout the castle. “WHERE THE FUCK ARE YOU!?”

“Well, I can add being deafened to my list of impaired senses now. Thanks, Carl.”

“You say something?”

Twilight quickly moved on, before the migraines started again. “Excuse me.” She asked a guard. “Could you find Princess Celestia for us?”

“Yes ma’am.” The guard answered, leaving the others to wait patiently in the throne room.

There wasn’t much to do now, until Celestia arrived, so out of sheer boredom, Carl’s attention was drawn to the glass murals, the same ones that the Princess showed him when he first arrived in Equestria.

Reviewing them once again, he suddenly remembered who the ponies depicted on the murals were supposed to be.

“Hey, Twilight.” He called.

“Yeah?” She replied, curious by his sudden formality.

“The purple horse in the murals, that’s you right?”

“Yeah, it is. And the other ponies depicted are my friends, the same ones you’ve already met. Together we form the Elements of Harmony.”

“I take it the other creatures depicted are the villains you fought?”

“Yeah…?”

“Compared to Smokey, earlier. What were these other villains like?”

“Well, I don’t really know a whole lot about the being we fought earlier, but these other guys all had their own bodies, for one thing.

They also had clearer motives. Usually stuff like: world domination or a lust for power or revenge, you know, the usual... but that thing from this afternoon. I have no idea what it was trying to accomplish. It just seemed bitter, hateful and malicious, just for the sake of it.”

“Celestia told me these guys all showed up around the same time, a thousand years ago. I don’t think that’s a coincidence.”

“Oh? Are you actually showing an interest in Equestrian history?”

“No. It doesn’t take a historian to recognise such an obvious pattern. I’m just wondering if Smokey fits into this pattern as well.”

Twilight was a little surprised that Carl was taking this seriously, but with that creature on the move, the time for Carl to fight and somehow defeat this being drew ever closer. She wandered if his sudden change in attitude was due to anxiety.

“Oh, Princess Twilight, we were not expecting to see you, today.” From behind, a tall dark alicorn formally addressed Twilight.

“Princess Luna. I’m sorry, but I really need to speak with Celestia, right now.”

“I heard, in fact, I believe the whole castle heard. How are you today, Carl?”

“I was nearly vaporised by giant energy blasts, but other than that, I’m okay, I suppose.”

“I see… Anyway, my sister is finishing her work and will be here shortly.”

“And what the hell are we supposed to do in the meantime?”

Just then, a royal guard kicked the doors to the room wide open, in a panic. “Princess, it’s an emergency!”

Luna quickly took charge of the situation. “Elaborate, guard. What happened?”

“We found a mysterious figure loitering around the castle grounds and before we knew it, the Sacred Shield was stolen from the guard’s weapons vault!”

“Unbelievable and we had just recovered that, too. Where is the culprit now?”

“We currently have him pinned down, but please hurry. It’s taken an entire group of us to keep him restrained and we don’t know how much longer we can hold out!”

“Purple lightning!” Twilight called out. “Has the culprit shown any signs of using purple lighting!?”

“Yes! How did you know?”

“It’s him again.” Twilight turned to Princess Luna, from that single glance, she instantly understood and the two headed outside to confront the thief.

“Um, should we go after them?” Fluttershy asked.

“Nope, I ain’t doing shit, until Celestia shows up.” Carl replied.

“Are you okay? You look a little tense.”

“I-I’m fine.” He replied, rubbing his foreleg, still wrapped in its bandage.

Just outside the castle, Luna and Twilight witnessed a desperate struggle. The guards had surrounded a single unicorn, one with a scar across their eye.

Despite the guards having combined their powers, it wasn’t long before the stress became too much for them and with excessive force, the unicorn unleashed a burst of magic that released him from their containment, leaving the guards too fatigued to fight back.

“Good job, boys. Nice display of teamwork, there.” The unicorn sarcastically congratulated. “But, you’re about a millennia too late to be challenging me.”

Twilight recognised that smug self-important attitude immediately, even if they were in a different body. “That’s the monster that attacked me in Ponyville.”

“Princess, it’s been so long since we last saw each other. How are you holding up?”

“I’m recovering just fine. It’ll take a lot more than flashy explosions to put me down.”

“Oh, Twilight. I could care less about you.” The unicorn lifted their hoof and directed his onlookers attention elsewhere. “I’m talking to Luna.”

“Me?” Luna replied. “Do I know you?”

“Ouch, that hurts, Luna, and after everything I did for you.”

“What are you babbling about?”

“I guess being trapped on the Moon for a thousand years has taken a toll on your memory. But, that’s okay, I know how hard it can be, being imprisoned for a thousand years. Thankfully my memory's still as clear as crystal.

Yes, I can still recall it, ever so perfectly. Your feelings of inadequacy, your sadness, your jealousy. ‘Why does everypony go to my sister for advice? I’m a Princess, too.'”

“Are you mocking me?”

“‘Why does no one trust my abilities? I’m just as strong as my sister.’”

“Stop it.”

“‘Why do they love my sister’s day so much, yet show no appreciation for my beautiful night? And I worked so darn hard on it, too.’”

“I am ordering you to stop.”

“You were always an afterthought, Luna. Never as important as your sister, always the sidekick. Poor little Luna, the forgotten Princess.”

“STOP!”

Luna’s voice shook the ground as lightning suddenly flashed from the sky. The guards were paralysed with fear, even Twilight was shaken by her sudden outburst.

“Now, I remember!” Luna yelled. “Everything was your fault! If it wasn’t for you, Nightmare Moon would have never existed!”

“Don’t pin the blame on me, Princess. I didn’t create Nightmare Moon, I merely discovered her.”

“I’ll make sure you never harm another soul. Begone!” Without hesitation, Luna fired a magical blast at the unicorn, who took it head on, as the magic burst with a fiery explosion.

Once the smoke cleared, the unicorn laid on the ground, wounded from the blast. “That stung… good thing this isn’t my body, you know?”

Luna wanted nothing more than to continue firing, but couldn’t risk harming the pony who was being possessed.

“What’s wrong, Luna? Can’t finish the job? Scared you’ll do something you might regret? Maybe you should embrace Nightmare Moon, again. Maybe then you’ll have the guts to actually finish me!”

Angered, Luna fired one more blast at the vile unicorn, leaving them incapable of standing any more.

As the smoke cleared, silence fell over the scene.

After calming Luna down and with the unicorn injured, this was Twilight’s chance to finally confront them, face-to-face. “Who are you? What are you? How do you know Celestia and Luna?”

Even as a crumpled mess on the ground, the unicorn still let out a mocking laughter. “Yeah, like I’d spoil that surprise for you.”

“You’re in no position to be mocking us!”

“Alright, fine. If you really want to know, why don’t you ask good old Celestia. Ask her if the phrase ‘One thousand years ago.’ means anything to her.”

“What?”

Before Twilight could ask any follow up questions, a purple mist burst forth from the unicorn as the creature that possessed them had escaped, yet again.

“Guard!” Luna ordered. “Tend to the unicorn’s wounds, I have important matters to discuss with Princess Twilight and my sister.”

“Luna, what the heck is going on!?”

“We are about to find out.”

Inside the castle, Twilight’s friends were growing concerned over the ruckus they could hear outside, however, Carl was growing bored of waiting around and was about to head deeper into the castle to look for Celestia himself.

His search was swiftly cut short when as soon as he turned around, the visage of the Princess was already looming over him.

“Good evening, Carl. Have you been keeping well?” Celestia asked with her usual smile.

There were many things Carl wanted to yell at the Princess over, but for some reason, he felt as if he already understood why she hadn’t had the time to see him again. “It’s about damn time you showed up.” Was all he could muster.

“I’m sorry, but being a Princess can be very time consuming, but I’m impressed you were able to come all the way out to Canterlot without needing my help, and with Twilight’s friends, no less. I take it, things have been going well for you.”

“Going well!? Are you high!? I drowned in swamp water, was left homeless and I nearly died twice!”

“Oh my, that does sound awful, but you seem perfectly fine, now.”

“Uh… more or less….”

“And I’m assuming Twilight and her friends have helped you greatly during these troubling times?”

“Well… eventually… they did....”

“You haven’t been judging them too harshly, have you?”

“What? I… you see… wait a minute... What the fuck am I doing!? I’m not a kid, I don’t need to answer to you!”

“Indeed, you are no child, Carl. I just wanted to make sure your tendency to get into petty disputes didn't get in the way of the magic of friendship, but it seems I have nothing to worry about.”

“Uh…. thanks?”

“By the way, love the scarf you’re wearing.”

Carl was confused, he felt cheated out his excuse to criticise Celestia right to her face. “Hey, wait!” He called to her as she passed by him.

“What is it?”

He called out, but he couldn’t think of anything to say. He was all riled up and ready for an argument, but he had nothing to fight with, any ill-will he bared towards Celestia was met with a warm smile and forgiving kindness, there was nothing to be upset about.

“N-nothing… forget it.”

“You seem a little different from when we last met, Carl. Are you feeling okay?”

“Shut up.”

The castle doors suddenly slammed open, as the atmosphere in the room grew tense. Twilight and Princess Luna marched across the room to confront Celestia.

“Sister!” Luna exclaimed. “When you told me that a great evil was awakening, you never told me it was THAT great evil.”

“Lots of ‘great evils’ have awoken over the past few years, you’re going to have to be a little more specific.” She joked.

“You know who I’m talking about. That vile creature, that revels in destruction and breeds hatred and greed in others. A creature that could only have been birthed from the bowels of Tartarus.

Mephisto.”

Celestia’s attitude suddenly shifted, her warm smile was twisted into a scowl. “I see… I’m sorry, Luna, but had I told you earlier, I was certain you’d try to seek vengeance upon him. For your own safety, and the safety of everyone in Equestria, I couldn’t let that happen.”

“Princess Celestia?” Twilight asked. “That thing… Mephisto. He told me to ask you something. At first I thought he was just messing with me, but it was something Carl mentioned as well.”

“What is it, Twilight?”

“What does the phrase ‘one thousand years ago’, really mean to you?”

Celestia turned away from her fellow Princesses, to think in silence, until she finally spoke again. “Very well, now that everypony is here, the time has finally come to reveal the truth. A truth about Equestria’s past that I kept secret for so very long...”

Carl was intrigued, but also weary from his travels. “I feel like this is going to take a while, can get a cushion or something…?”

“This is the story of a being, born from pure negativity, deep in the depths of Tartarus.

This is the story…. of Mephisto.”

Author's Note

I try my best to update this story weekly, but sometimes things like sickness and Them's Fightin' Herds get in the way.

Also, hey, plot is happening now.

Next time: We learn about Mephisto as we prepare to head into the final chapters.

Part 11: A Demon, Born From Pure Hatred

“It all started, thousands of years ago… when the first unicorns discovered magic. Upon mastering this newfound ability, the techniques used to control magic made countless advancements, over time. Even so, there has always been one rule of magic, that remains ever prevalent, to this very day. Whenever a pony uses magic, they will always, unwittingly create an excess of Positive or Negative Magic.

Positive Magic is known to us today, as the Magic of Friendship and is born from the elements that create it, such as kindness and laughter. However, Negative Magic is created by more destructive and selfish feelings, such as greed or anger. These negative emotions act as the fuel that eventually gives birth to the being known as Mephisto.

The Negative Magic generated by all living beings flows into the depths of Tartarus. It festers and grows, feeding on the endless negativity we generate, building over the centuries. Soon, a consciousness forms, retaining the memories of all those who used magic for self-serving or heinous acts, until one day, roughly every thousand years, it awakens.

Whether it’s the actions of a mischievous child stealing sweets, or megalomaniacal world conquerors, all actions have the potential to create Negative Magic. It is not something that can be stopped, it is simply the natural order and once this consciousness has gathered enough power over the millennia, is it unleashed onto the world.

A being of pure magical energy, Mephisto roams the land searching for a host to possess, both for his own protection and to unleash his true powers. With his vast knowledge, amassed from those who's emotions he fed upon, he manipulates and provokes unsuspecting victims into committing horrible atrocities, spreading chaos and destruction wherever he goes.

There is no method to his madness, he simply spreads negativity across the world by any means necessary, with no greater purpose, other than the simple pleasure of watching as the world, that we worked so hard to build, crumbles around him. Completely incapable of empathy or love, he is simply a demon born from pure hatred.

And, one thousand years ago, this cycle began anew, and Mephisto returned.”

The castle fell silent as the ponies continued to listen to Celestia’s tale. Unis had returned, but didn’t say a word, he merely joined the others. Even Carl remained silent and attentive.

“Wait a minute, Princess.” Twilight suddenly asked. “Just to clarify, Mephisto wakes up every thousand years, when he feeds on enough Negative Magic, right?”

“That is correct.” Celestia answered.

“Then, how do we stop him?”

“A very good question. So long as magic and negative emotions exist, Mephisto can never truly be stopped.”

“So, what are we supposed to do?”

“To answer that, you must first understand the events that took place the last time Mephisto appeared.

When he awoke from his slumber, one thousand years ago, he began to reek havoc across Equestria, praying on the weaknesses of others, like he always had.

Through his influence, King Sombra became corrupted by dark magic. He convinced Discord into using his powers for world conquest. He informed Tirek of Equestria’s magic and in his final heinous act, he tempted my sister into becoming Nightmare Moon.”

Twilight turned to the Princess for confirmation. “Is that true, Luna?”

“Indeed.” Luna ashamedly answered. “My memories of that time are clouded, but hearing his voice again made them all too clear. When my jealousy and hatred for my sister reached its peak, he appeared before me. Once he possessed my body, I finally began to understand why so many others turned to the darkness.

It felt so comforting, to just let it all go and abandon my sense of justice. To give in to my own negativity. Once the deed was done, I was left to my own devices, with my newfound power. At first, it felt relieving, cathartic even, but in the end, I lost everything and was banished by my own sister.”

“So, let me get this straight.” Carl interrupted. “This Mephisto guy is some kind of puppet master that goes around messing with people’s heads in order to get them to do evil shit, because he’s the embodiment of all Negative Magic in the world?”

“To put it bluntly. Yes.” Celestia replied. “But, do not be fooled, he is no puppet master. He is merely the catalyst for disaster. Once he sets the events in motion, he merely sits back and watches as his actions snowball into utter chaos. He only interferes if he feels his own existence is at risk.”

“So, why the fuck didn’t you stop him before he did any of that shit?”

“I heard stories of Mephisto, but I had no idea if he actually existed. It was only after Luna’s banishment, that I realised the truth.”

“Then, how’d you beat him?”

“Although Mephisto can never truly be erased from this world, that doesn’t mean he can’t be neutralised. As I said earlier, using magic under the influence of negative emotions produces Negative Magic. That is what Mephisto feeds on, but when magic is influenced by positive emotions, it creates Positive Magic, which is harnessed by the Elements of Harmony.”

“His weakness are the Elements of Harmony?” Twilight’s eyes suddenly lit up. For a brief moment , she nearly assumed the situation was hopeless.

“Indeed, when Mephisto rises from Tartarus, it is the Magic of Friendship that eventually cleanses him from this world, but even so, a thousand years later, a new Mephisto will rise, and the cycle of good versus evil repeats itself, once again.”

“Well, there’s no problem then! Me and my friends can use the Elements of Harmony to defeat him, right now!”

“I’m afraid that won’t be quite as…. simple, this time.”

“But, why not?”

Celestia started to sweat a little. “There were some… complications, last time he appeared.”

Carl could tell immediately that she was avoiding something and he didn’t hesitate to call her out on it. “What the hell did you do Celestia?”

“When I confronted Mephisto, after discovering what he did to, not just my sister, but to everyone in Equestria, I was livid. I wanted nothing more than to erase him from this world, but erasing him wouldn't undo the damage he caused. On top of that, it didn't matter how much power I had at my disposal, I knew he would eventually return and spread pain and suffering across Equestria all over again, and so, I foolishly tried to break the cycle.

Instead of destroying Mephisto, I used the Element’s powers to banish him back to Tartarus, imprisoning him. There, he could feed on as much Negative Magic as he wanted, but as long as the Magic of Friendship prevailed in Equestria, he’d never break free from his prison. He’d be trapped, for all eternity.

Unfortunately, it wasn’t long before I came to realise my own folly. I knew I wouldn’t be in control of the Elements forever, and the moment their ownership passed onto the next wielders, Mephisto’s seal would be broken. For this reason, I kept the Elements locked away, where they remained dormant ever since.

It wasn’t until my sister’s return, a thousand years later, that I finally decided to pass them on, which in turn, broke Mephisto’s seal. Having been feeding on Negative Magic during his imprisonment, Mephisto has become twice as powerful as he was ever supposed to be, which means, on their own, the Elements of Harmony cannot defeat him.”

“Well, that’s just fucking great!” Carl yelled. “So, the reason you dragged me into this world was to clean up a mess you made over a thousand years ago!?”

“Yes…”

“I… you… can’t just say that! Do you know how much shit has happened in my world during that time?! Entire civilisations were built and destroyed, generations of humans lived and died, you can’t even trace my family tree back that far into human history.

And you’re saying I’m the one who has to fight this thousand year old monster!? How the fuck am I supposed to do that!? I can only punch him in the face so many times, Celestia!”

“It is because you are not from this world, Carl!” Celestia argued, stomping her hoof in assertion. “I summoned you here, two days after Mephisto escaped Tartarus, meaning he had no knowledge of your existence, no memories to exploit. This blind spot will be of great use in defeating that monster.”

“You fucking what!?” Carl stopped for a moment to regain his composure, one of Celestia’s statements caught his attention. “... fine, but there's more going on here, what else are you planning, Celestia? Just tell me the truth.”

“I wish I could, but I cannot risk Mephisto learning of my plans. Please, you’ll just have to trust me.”

Carl stamped his hooves in frustration.

“Well?” Celestia asked. “Will you trust me, Carl?”

“Do I look like I have a choice…?”

Twilight was still unsure about Celestia’s explanation. “So, you’re saying that the Elements of Harmony are powerless against Mephisto, now?”

“Not necessarily, Mephisto has become extremely powerful having been feeding off of Negative Magic for twice as long as he normally should, but he'll always have one glaring weakness.

Without a physical body, he his powerless to defend himself against the Elements of Harmony and he knows this. If we can somehow prevent him from escaping after he is exorcised from somepony’s body, we can corner him and defeat him.”

“And you think Carl is somehow going to help you with that?”

“Definitely.”

For once, Twilight understood Carl’s frustration. How on earth was Celestia going to use him to defeat Mephisto? Even if he could exploit some kind of blind spot in his powers, that simply wasn’t enough to convince her.

Still, Celestia was the only person with any real knowledge of Mephisto at all. If anyone could come up with a strategy to defeat him, it was her. Despite Twilight’s frustrating lack of understanding, she still chose to put her trust in her life-long mentor.

“Hey!” Carl raised his hoof. “One more question!”

“Yes, Carl?” Celestia answered.

“What the fuck are these Element things you keep talking about?”

“You mean the Elements of Harmony?”

“Yeah, are they, like, weapons or magic or something…?”

“I won’t go into their history, but essentially, they are magical jewels, that when brought together, have the power to vanquish any and all evil from their target.”

“But, they can’t kill Mephisto?”

“So long as he is protected by a host, no, they cannot.”

“But, they destroy evil, though?”

“Yes, that is their purpose.”

Carl was slightly baffled by this claim. “Isn't evil subjective?”

“Excuse me?”

“I mean, you can’t just decide if something’s good or evil. What one person might see as evil, another might not. How do these stones determine what’s considered good or evil?”

“Oh my, getting into specifics are we? Put simply, it is the wielder’s own beliefs and morals that determine what the Elements can and can't destroy.”

“I guess that makes sense.” Carl decided not to harp on the issue any further, lest it turn into a pretentious philosophical debate. “Twilight and her friends are the ones wielding them now, right?”

“Indeed, each one of them represents a different Element.”

“Really?” Carl examined Twilight’s friends for a moment. “What’s Pinkie’s element, ADHD?”

“Surely you must have figured them out by now. After all, you have already experienced them.”

“Experienced what now?”

“Rainbow Dash’s loyalty, Rarity’s generosity, Fluttershy’s kindness, Applejack’s honesty and Pinkie Pie’s laughter. These are the elements that bring harmony and friendship.”

Carl thought back on his interactions with Twilight’s friends and how they behaved. Ever since he arrived in Equestria, there was always something strange about the way these ponies treated him, that he couldn’t quite put his metaphorical finger on, but after learning of their elements, it started to make a little more sense to him.

“Are you feeling alright, Carl?” Celestia asked. “You look puzzled.”

“Yeah.... what the hell is Twinkie’s Element?”

“The Element of Magic, the spark of power that appears when the other elements are gathered together.”

“So, it has nothing to do with friendship on its own? Guess that explains why she’s such a bitch, then.”

“Ha, ha.” Twilight wasn’t even surprised Carl stooped that low for a cheap jab. “Just try not to get caught in the crossfire when we do use the Elements, you might accidentally get obliterated.”

“Shit, can that happen?”

A hearty chuckle escaped Celestia’s mouth. “Oh, Carl, don’t be so silly. Worst case scenario, you might be turned to stone.”

“I’ll just make a mental note to stay the hell out of Twinkle’s way the next time she uses her gay friendship powers, then.”

There was a brief silence as everyone took their time to digest the information they just received.

“I apologise.” Celestia spoke. “I imagine that was a lot to take in all at once.”

“Not really.” Carl replied. “Evil demon dude from hell or whatever, feeds on negativity and blows shit up because he’s evil and we have to stop him. Seems pretty straightforward to me.”

“Yes, well. Hopefully, fighting him will be just as straightforward.”

“Speaking of which, when are we supposed to fight him?”

“With the Sacred Shield having just been stolen, I have a strong feeling Mephisto will set his plans into motion within the next 24 hours.”

“And what is he planning?”

“I can’t go into specifics, but what I can say is that he will most likely try to find a way to negate his weakness to the Elements of Harmony. He may be resistant to them now, but his protection won’t last forever. Even if we fail, sooner or later, someone else wielding the Elements will catch him off-guard and destroy him.”

“So, we’re just playing the waiting game, are we?" Carl's head ached trying to process everything he learned, but despite being given so much information at once, he still didn't understand what Celestia nor Mephisto were really planning. His irritation had finally reached it's peak. "Fuck this, I’m out of here.”

Carl stormed off, towards the exit, confusing Celestia.

“Carl, you’re free to stay here in the castle as long as you want. You don’t have to leave.”

“What?” He laughed. “I’m not staying here with you assholes, I need some goddamn air. Call me when you need me, for whatever...”

And with that, Carl immediately left the building, with no further comment.

“That was odd.” Fluttershy pondered. “I thought he’d like staying in the castle. I mean, he basically gets to live like royalty here.”

“Indeed.” Rarity agreed. “He was a filthy mess when he stumbled into my home and now that he has a whole castle to stay in, he suddenly wants to go back outside? Honestly, I’ll never understand that man.”

Celestia took immediate action into investigating Carl's hasty departure. “Twilight, I want you to go with him.”

“What?” She cried. “Why do I have to go?”

“I know you and Carl have had… issues with each other, but as the Princess of Friendship, I think this will be a perfect learning experience for you.”

“I maybe the Princess of Friendship, but even I’m aware that there are some ponies out there you can’t always befriend.”

“True, but can you honestly say that about Carl?”

“Yes. Definitely.”

“Well, at the very least, could you make sure he stays out of trouble?”

“Fine… I’ll watch him from a distance.” Twilight flew out the castle, leaving her friends behind, to mull over the situation.

“Uh, Princess.” Applejack asked. “Are you sure you don’t need any of us to go with her?”

“Twilight and Carl are both far too stubborn to bond while we’re breathing down their necks. I believe they’ll come to an understanding if we simply leave the two of them alone.”

As Twilight flew towards the main gate of the castle, she spotted Carl, already causing a scene.

“For fuck’s sake, just let me through the gate!” He yelled.

“Sir, I’m sorry.” The guard informed. “But, we must do the necessary security checks before you leave.”

“Check what!? I’m fucking naked! What could I possibly be hiding!?”

“I-I don’t know. That’s why we perform the checks, s-sir.”

“God, and what is with all the stuttering!? I’ve seen fat mall cops more intimidating than you!”

“I-I’m sorry, sir…”

“Don’t apologise, you fucking idiot!”

“That’s enough, Carl!” Twilight intervened, landing in front of him. “Can’t you see you’re making him uncomfortable?”

“Well, maybe he should grow a pair.”

“Grow a pair of what? What are you talking about?”

“Forget it, just… just make them open the gate, already...”

To avoid any further harassment, Twilight instructed the guard to open the gate, informing them that Carl was a special guest at the castle.

“What are you so crabby about, anyway?” Twilight asked as they headed for the city. “The guard was just doing his job. In case you forgot, Mephisto was here earlier. You had no justifiable reason for yelling at him like that.”

“I-… I’m just hungry, okay?”

“You’re always hungry.”

“That’s because I spend most of my time being bossed around by you!”

“Well, if you're gonna be a whiny baby, I guess I can take you to that restaurant Pinkie told you about. Maybe that will help you get over your little temper tantrum.”

“As long as I don't have to eat those fucking flowers, again.”

Twilight escorted Carl through the streets of Canterlot, down an obscure alleyway, where a quaint little restaurant, known as the Tasty Treat was situated. Unfortunately for Twilight, there was an unexpected snag in her plan.

“What do you mean you’re closed!?” Twilight asked.

Despite her cries, the owner, remained adamant on his stance. “My apologies, Princess, but it is getting late and we desperately need to clean up after a very busy day. Please come back tomorrow.”

“But, how am I supposed to feed this idiot, now? Can’t you let us in, please?”

“Oh no. We’ve already turned the stoves off and it is getting late. Please, come back tomorrow.”

“Can't you do it, as a special favour to a Princess?”

“Princess or not, I’ve already made up my mind. We’re closed, come back tomorrow.”

With that, the owner slammed the door shut, foiling Twilight’s plans, while Carl snickered behind her. “Hey, I like that guy.”

“Shut up, Carl.”

“So, what now, Twizzle Pop?”

“I don’t know. What were you planning on doing?”

“Look for a bar to drown my miseries in.”

“Why?”

“It’ll make me feel more at home.”

“‘Feel more at home’, huh?” Twilight thought to herself. “Well, bars aren’t really my thing, but I think there’s one nearby we can go to.”

“Really? I wasn't sure they even existed in this world. Let’s go, already.”

The bar was close to the restaurant district, although Carl could never tell, given that every building in the city looked like it’s own small palace. However, the building they eventually came to looked far more dingy and run-down than anything else in Canterlot.

Twilight read the sign, hanging from the front door. “The Dingy Den... huh, appropriate name.”

“Sounds like my kind of place.” Carl immediately threw the door open and just as he expected, the room was dimly lit, with creatures of questionable looks and backgrounds, all moping around tables, chugging beverages with reckless abandon.

Carl took a deep breath. “You smell that? Smells like home.”

Twilight gagged. “Smells like a toilet.”

As they headed over to the counter, the depressing atmosphere made Twilight uneasy. The patrons all stared at her, questioning why a Princess would ever visit their forgotten little hole, ostracised by Canterlot’s upper-class.

“Hey, barkeep.” Carl announced.

“Y-Yes, sir?” The smartly dressed pony replied, flustered by the Princess’ presence.

“You guys do food, right?”

“Um, sometimes we do hay fries.”

“Sometimes? Hey, Princess, get a load of this joker.”

Twilight had no idea what was going on, but she gave the barkeep one look and he immediately took Carl’s order. “Yes, hay fries. Right away, sir.”

“I’m starting to get the feeling I don’t belong here.” Twilight nervously expressed.

“Nonsense, you’re my ticket to free shit.”

“Carl, you can’t just abuse my status as a Princess like that.”

“Don't be such a killjoy… and where the hell’s my drink!?”

“Y-yes sir?” A second bartender pony quickly appeared to take his order.

“Yeah, you got any whiskey?”

“Whiskey…? What’s whiskey?”

“Wh-what?” Carl stuttered in disbelief. “You don’t have whiskey?”

“I-I’m afraid not, sir.”

“Well, what about beer?”

“Beer? What’s that?”

“You don’t have beer or whiskey!? How am I supposed to get shitfaced!? What kind of crappy bar is this!? You must have something alcoholic!”

“A-alcoholic…? What’s that sir?”

“ARGH!” Carl’s screams of anguish echoed throughout the bar, drawing the attention and concern of the other patrons.

“I-is he okay?”

“Um, I think he's just having a bit of culture shock.” Twilight answered.

Carl’s screaming eventually came to a halt, once he slammed his head into the counter.

“No alcohol? Then, what the fuck kind of wine was Rarity drinking?” He mumbled to himself.

“Carl, why don’t we just get some cider?”

“Yeah… sure… fine…” He sighed.

The bartender soon arrived with a plate of hay fries and two mugs of frothy cider. Carl wasted no time stuffing his face, he didn’t care that they tasted like burnt wheat, he was hungry and was prepared to eat anything.

He chugged down the mug of cider and to no surprise, it tasted merely of glorified apple juice. No punch, no alcohol, just apples.

“Feeling better?” Twilight asked, taking a more conservative approach to sipping her drink.

“No.”

“Ugh… well, at the very least, do you feel a little more ‘at home’?”

“This place smells like shit and I feel like one of these guys might stab me in the alleyway outside, so I guess it’s close enough.”

“F-for the record, Princess. We haven’t had any recent stabbings.” The bartender corrected.

Twilight scanned around the room. In the shadows, she could make out the silhouettes of ponies and other creatures chatting around tables, playing pool or just observing her from afar. She wasn’t sure why Carl would ever come to a place like this. It wasn’t like he had any interest in socialising with anyone.

“So, what do we do now?” Twilight asked him.

“Nothing.”

“What? You mean you’re just going to sit there?”

“Yep.”

“You’re not going to talk to anypony? Maybe play a game of pool?”

“Nope.”

Twilight sighed as boredom quickly set in. She almost hoped Carl would get into trouble, at least that would be more entertaining than nothing. She swiveled her hoof around the rim of her mug as she waited for something, anything to happen.

“Carl? You aren’t just doing this to spite me, are you?”

He thought for a moment. “Now, why would I do a thing like that?”

“You are!” She stamped her hoof on the counter. “You’re seriously going to just sit there, in complete silence, just to mess with me.”

Carl didn’t reply.

“Aren’t you, Carl?”

Still no reply, but a smug grin slowly grew across his face.

“Carl!”

Unable to contain himself any longer, Carl cracked up, embarrassing Twilight, who already felt horribly out of place, already. “I can’t believe you got worked up over that. I wasn’t even trying.”

Flustered, Twilight couldn’t even bare to look at him she was so embarrassed. “You’re such a…. a meanie.”

“I think the word you’re looking for is ‘asshole’.”

“Yeah, like I’d ever stoop to using your language.”

“Come on, just say it.”

“What?”

“I want to hear you say it. Call me an asshole.”

“No way. It’s offensive to donkeys.”

“Fuck the donkeys, just say it.”

“I refuse.”

“God, you’re such a prude.”

“I’m a Princess, Carl. I can’t just go around insulting ponies, even if they ask me to.”

Carl gave up, he didn’t feel like wasting any more of his time on Twilight when he could be using that time for more drinking. He ordered another cider, even if it wasn’t doing anything for him, it was better than nothing.

After chugging away at his second drink, a sudden thought popped into his head. “Say... why did you follow me out here?”

“Just wanted to keep you out of trouble, is all. I can’t imagine how you planned on getting food when you don’t even have any money.”

“Well, obviously I wasn't planning on buying it.”

“And that’s exactly why I followed you.”

“Did Celestia put you up to this?”

“Uh… maybe… Is there a problem with that?”

“Not at all. So, if I sat here drinking until the break of dawn and beyond, you’d be stuck here watching me the whole time?”

“You wouldn’t dare do something that stupid.”

“I’ve done stupider.”

“You really are a lost cause.”

“Yep, completely lost. This bar is the first familiar place I’ve seen since I got here. Well, that and the bowling alley, but that didn’t go so well. Apparently putting holes in the walls is ‘a violation of public safety’.”

“How the heck did you manage to do that?”

“I kicked them real fucking hard.”

“You’re such a… an idiot.”

There was another awkward lull in the conversation, as Twilight desperately required a break from Carl’s stupidity. Meanwhile, Carl downed his third drink, hoping he’d start to at least feel a little tipsy, but sadly, he was more sober than a Mormon with a milkshake.

Twilight’s boredom became aggravating, she wanted nothing more than to return to the castle, to be with her friends, but here she was, stuck babysitting a fully gown stallion in a musky, forgotten tavern.

She soon mustered up the nerve to speak with him, again. “I can’t believe you’re seriously going to just sit here all night drinking cider.”

“I can’t believe you haven’t left yet.”

“There’s no way I’m leaving you here alone, you’ll just do something stupid.”

“You’re pretty cranky for someone who gets to spend their entire night doing nothing.”

“Nothing is the last thing I want to be doing right now. We could be preparing for when Mephisto shows up again, or getting some much needed rest after narrowly avoiding disaster in Ponyville.

But, no. You’d rather sit here all night and drink cider until you’re sick of it and then drink more cider anyway, just to spite me, because you… are nothing... but a… a... stubborn child!”

“That’s the plan.”

“Carl, why are you doing this? You have an entire castle you can lounge around and drink cider in, why would you come all the way out here?”

“I told you, I feel more at home here.”

“But, you didn’t even know this place existed until I told you about it. What the heck is going on in that head of yours?”

Twilight recalled Carl’s behaviour when they arrived in Canterlot, as she tried to pinpoint the moment it changed, from passive aggressive to suddenly abrasive. What caused him to leave the castle despite having nowhere to go?

That’s when it finally dawned on her, what triggered Carl’s sudden change.

She turned to him, as he sipped away at the last of his drink and in a moment of clarity, bluntly asked. “You’re scared, aren’t you?”

“What?” He laughed.

“You’re scared… that you might not be able to beat Mephisto.”

“What the hell gave you that idea?”

“The way you confronted the Princess. At first, I thought you were just angry, as usual, but now that I think about it, you were actually worried. I mean, one miscalculation on the her part and you could die.”

“And how is that weird? I think anyone who’s going to be used as a pawn to fight some monster, wants to make sure they don’t die in the process.”

“It isn’t weird. It’s perfectly understandable.”

“Being worried isn’t the same as being scared, Twinkle.”

“No, but running away and hiding in a dingy bar where you can drink all your problems away, sure sounds like being scared to me.”

“I’m not scared.” Carl asserted, slamming his mug on the counter.

“Okay…” Twilight dropped her accusation for the time being, but she wasn’t finished yet. “M-maybe you’re not scared, or maybe you are… but, I know one thing for certain.”

“That you’re an idiot?”

“That… I’m scared."

Twilight's sudden change in tone caught Carl's attention.

"When I first met Mephisto in that supermarket yesterday and saw the look of pure malice in his eyes, I was terrified. Not just for myself, but for the ponies around me. All I could think about was doing everything I could to protect them from that horrible monster.

During that battle, I did everything I could to fight back, but nothing I did worked. My magic had no effect at all. It felt like everything I worked for, to get to this point, meant nothing to him and I couldn’t bare the thought of what might have happened if he turned his attention to the defenceless townsponies.

After that encounter and even now, I can’t stop thinking about when he’ll strike next, and whether we’ll be able to stop him this time.”

“Is there a point to all this?”

“I doubt you even care, but my point is this: You’re not alone, Carl. Me, my friends, Celestia and Luna. We’re all just as scared... or worried... or whatever you want to call it.”

“Alright. You don't have to get all sappy on me.”

“Well, get used to it. It’s practically my job.”

“I've got a question for you. Do you really believe Celestia’s plan is even going to work, or if she even has one to begin with?”

“I can’t say for certain, she’s always been cryptic like this, but I think so.”

“But, how the hell can you say that? For all we know she could be talking out her ass.”

“Because I trust her.”

“But how? How can you trust her so blindly like that?”

Twilight paused for a moment, it was a perfectly reasonable question that she never really thought about herself, but it didn’t take her long to come to a conclusion.

“Well... there was this one time, when I sent the Princess a letter, warning her about the return of Nightmare Moon. I was worried that the thousand year old prophecy I recently read about, was about to be fulfilled and that Equestria would soon be threatened by an eternal night. You want to know how she responded?”

“How?”

“She just told me: ‘You must stop reading those dusty old books, Twilight.’ followed by an order to supervise the Summer Sun Celebration in Ponyville and make some friends.”

Carl was genuinely baffled, it sounded like the same nonsensical orders Celestia spouted to him when he first arrived in Equestria.

“I didn’t get it.” Twilight continued. “Equestria could have been, and eventually was on the precipice of disaster and yet, all she asked was for me to make some friends. It was so strange. Little did I know, that on that fateful day, my life would change forever.

The ponies you met earlier, my closest friends. I met all of them that day. Together we trekked through the Everfree Forest, found the abandoned castle, re-discovered the Elements of Harmony and defeated Nightmare Moon. All without Celestia ever needing to tell us anything.

After that, me and my friends were inseparable. We went on all kinds of adventures and I even became an alicorn princess myself, and to think, all that started from a silly letter the Princess sent, simply asking me to make friends.”

Carl was fascinated by her story, even with all this information, he still didn’t even come close to understanding Celestia’s mindset.

“Carl, I’m not going to sit here and tell you to blindly trust the Princess, it wouldn’t be right, but no matter what, I’ll always trust in her judgement. Whether it’s making new friends, or putting up with a jerk like you.

She’s proven time and again, that she always has Equestria’s best interests at heart and that the Magic of Friendship will always prevail, as long as we believe in it.”

“You really trust her that much?”

“I do.” Twilight smiled. “You can call it stupid as much you want, but you can never break a bond this strong with petty insults.”

Carl got up from his stool. “Alright... let’s get the fuck out of here, already.”

“You mean we’re going back to the castle?”

“Well, where else can we go at this time?”

“You mean you’re ready to help us?”

“I don’t have a choice, remember? Even so, I’d rather die fighting Mephisto under the Princess’ guidance, than sit around waiting for him in this dump.”

“Thank you, Carl.”

“Shut up, let’s just go already…”

Before they could leave the bar, Carl stopped Twilight in her tracks. “Wait, I’ve got something urgent to ask.”

“What is it?”

“Could you take me to a bathroom? I drank way too much fucking cider.”

Author's Note

We're closing in on the end.

Only 3 chapters left.

Part 12: Super Special Recap Chapter

Author's Note

Due to budgetary issues, the next chapter of Celestia’s Chosen Hero… Is Carl, will not be uploaded, instead in its place I have provided a quick recap ~~episode~~ chapter for those who need a quick refresher on what has happened thus far.

I apologise to everyone who thought there'd be story progression based on last week's ~~episode~~ chapter. The story will continue for quite a while from next week onwards. I hope you will continue enjoy ~~Yugioh VRAINS~~ Celestia’s Chosen Hero… Is Carl?

Part 12: Super Special Recap Chapter

“Where the fuck am I?” Said Carl.

“Equestria.” Said Celestia.

“Gay.” Said Carl.

“I am important man.” Said Unis.

“lol no.” Said Carl.

“I no longer like you.” Said Unis.

“What are we looking at?” Said Carl.

“These are windows.” Said Celstia

“I prefer Apple.” Said Carl.

*Audience Laughter*

“These are the Elements of Harmony.” Said Celestia.

“Are they important?” Carl said.

“No.” Celestia said.

“Who are these horse?” Carl said.

“They are the Elements of Harmony.” Celestia said.

“Are they important?” Carl said.

“No.” Celestia said.

"Who are the monster?" Said Carl.

"They were defeated by the Elements of Harmony." Said Celestia.

"Are they important?" Said Carl.

"Possibly, not very." Said Celestia.

“wait wha-”

“We shall go to Ponyville now.” Celestia said.

“I would prefer not to.” Carl said.

“Tough shit, nerd.” Celestia said.

“Okay” Carl said.

“We are flying now.” Celestia said.

“Why am I here?” Carl said.

"Why are any of us here?" Said Celestia.

"What?"

“I mean, becuase raisins.” Celestia said.

“But, no seriously, why?” Carl said.

“[overly convoluted series of circumstance that’s way too complicated for a kid’s show that I’ll fill in the details for later.webm]” Said Celstia.

“I understood that perfectly.” Said Carl.

“We are here...”

“Good.” Said Carl.

“...now.” Said Celestia.

“What?”.

“You didn’t let me finish.”

“Oh, sorry. Do that again.”

“Yes.”

“We are here…….

now.” Said Celestia.

“Good.” Said Carl.

“I am friendship horse Twilight.” Said Twilight.

“This is Starlight horse, she’s okay I guess.” Said Twilight.

“And this is Spike, he is irrelevant.” Said Twililight.

“I am no longer needed for the rest of this story.” Said Celestia.

“We go in castle now.” Said Twilight.

“Castle gay as shit.” Said Carl.

“I disagree.” Said Twilight.

“Okay.” Said Carl.

“You are a poop pants.” Siad Twilight.

“Oh yeah? Well[carl_talks_shit.wav}”

“I am offend.” Said Twilight.

“lmao” Said Carl

“no u.” Said Twilihgt

“Now I’m offend.” Said Carl.

“Stop being offense.” Said Starlight.

“I am irrelevant.” Said Spike.

“Come to my room. Carl.” Said Starlight.

“lol, come.” Said Carl.

“Do you like kites.” Said Starlight.

“That wasn’t funny the first time.” Said Carl.

“Here’s a book on foreshadowing.” Said Strarligt

“I sure hope this doesn’t fuck us in the ass later.” Said Carl.

“I am still mad.” Said Twilight.

“Okay.” Said. Carl

“I will take you to Povynille, where you will meet all of my friends, one-by-one until you stop being mean.” Said Twilight.

“I cannot see this going wrong in any way in the foreseeable future.” Said Carl.

“I am no longer needed.” Said Starlight.

“We are in the market. Twilight said.

“[autistic screeching]” Said Carl.

“We are no longer in the market.” Said Twilight.

“I am the Blue Fast.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“Rainbow Dash, please help me.” Twilight said.

“Is that you’re boyfriend, Twilight. I thought you were gay.” Said Rainbow Dash.

“What?”

“We must stop the lightning ball before it fucking kills everyone.” Rainbow Dash said.

“That would be bad.” Twilight said.

“I am also here.” Said Unis.

“ur mom.” Said Carl.

“I am upset by this.” Said Unis.

“There is the lightning balll.” Said Rainbow DSah.

“Do not touch the lightning ball.” Said Unis.

“”We will not touch the lightning ball. “ Said Twiglight.

“I touched the lightning ball.” Said Carl.

“You stopped the lightning ball.” Said Ranbow Dash.

*Audience Cheering*

“I wanted to stop the lightning ball.” Said Unis.

“Suck on my lightning balls.” Said Carl.

“I must go now, ~~my planet~~ Canterlot needs me.” Said Unis.

"memes." Said Rainbow Dash

“I am hungry.” Said Carl.

“Hello Hungry, I’m Twilight.”

GOD FUCKING DAMMIT, I HATE THAT FUCKING JOKE SO FUCKING MUCH! EVERY FUCKING TIME AS A KID, WHENEVER I WAS HUNGRY, I’D TELL MY DAD AND HE’D ALWAYS ANSWER WITH THAT SAME FUCKING JOKE, EVERY! FUCKING! TIME! I’M FUCKING STARVING, I CAN’T DO SHIT WITH THESE TINY FUCKING BABY HANDS, I JUST WANTED SOME FUCKING FOOD, YOU PIECE OF SHIT! WHY COULDN’T YOU DO WHAT I FUCKING ASKED!? WHY DOES HE HAVE TO WASTE MY FUCKING TIME WITH HIS SHITTY JOKES!? IT WASN’T FUNNY THE FIRST FUCKING TIME, WHY WOULD IT BE FUNNY THE HUNDREDTH FUCKING TIME!? FUCK!!!” Carl said.

“Let us go to a restaurant for food.” Said Twilight.

“Are these flowers.” Said Calr.

“Yes, you eat them.” Said Twilight.

“I would rather contract cancer.” Said Carl.

“Let’s go see Pinkie Pie now.” Said Twilight.

“orhgiwrughpuriRPIGrubwpubRPHROPAHEOUPwoihjroeh40[ghwoerihg[ORHG[Ohg[OGHO[UHRGHWGOo[rwhowhgpaeoghrepoghapuehi” Said Pinkie Pie.

“This was a horrible mistake.” Said Carl.

“Carl would like food.” Said Twilight.

“Okie dokie lokie smokie bokie toki toki grokie chokie pokie wokie qokie zokie xoike”

Shut up.” Said Carl.

“We will bake now.” Sai dPInkie.

“Shit;s on fire.” Said Carl.

“FUCK!” Said Pinkie.

“Quick, throw Carl at the fire!” Said Twilight.

“My body put out the fire somehow.” Said Carl.

“Did you see that purple smoke? What was that? Was it the evil force Celestia warned us about? Why was it possessing the oven? What was it trying to accomplish and where did it go?” Said Twilight.

“No one cares.” Said Carl.

“Let’s go see FLuttershy now.” Said Twilight.

“Where is Fluttersh?y” Said Carl.

“Fluttershy is not here.” Said Twilgiht

“Who are these holes of asses?” Said Carl.

“These are my friends, Apples and Dresses.” Said Twilight.

“I don’t care.” Said Carl.

“B-but, you were the one who asked in the first pla”

“Fluttershy is in the Everfree Forest for reasons I do not remember.” Said one of Twilight’s friends who isn’t Fluttershy.

“Stick close to us CArl so you don’t die.” Said Twilight.

“I shall ignore this order immediately.” Said Carl.

Carl then proceeds to fall in swamp water.

“Oh no, I’m dying” Said Carl.

“Is Carl kill?” Said Twilight.

“He is died.” Said Aplpjack.

“I somehow stumbles upon a secret area of the everfree forest that no one else has ever seen beofre. I will not mention this to anyone for plot convenience.” Said Carl

“I am evil man.” Said SPOILER

“Go away.” Sadi Carl.

“Okay, you smell like swamp poo, anyway.” Said [SPIOLER]”

“Where am I?” Said Trixie.

“i dunno lol” Said Carl.

“I will take jew to FLturyshy’s to move the plot forward/” Said Trixie.

“You look like shit.” Saif Fluttereshy.

“I will shower now.” Said Carl.

[loud banging noises]

“I do not know how to shower.” Said Carl.

“I shall help you.” Said Fluttershy.

“I can hardly contain my erection.” Said Carl.

“YOu are clean now.” Said Fluttershy.

“I can’t into stairs.” Said Carl.

“topkek” Said FLuttershy.

“Hey, Carl. Let’s go bowling!” Said Pinkie.

“[GTA IV reference]” Said Carl.

“I rigged the balls with explosives.” Said Pinkie.

“FUCKING WHA-”

*KABLOOEY*

“I no longer wish to play bowling.” Said Carl.

“Let’s go to the spa.” Said Pinkie.

“No.” Said Carl.

“Let’s go to Sweet appple Acres.” Said Pinkie.

“No.” Said Carl.

“Let’s go to the Ponyville Cock Tower.” Said Pinknip.

“Yes.” Said Carl.

“Really?” Said Pinkie

“lol jk.” Said Carrl.

“I shall take you somewhere else.” Said Pinkie.

“What the fuck did you just fucking say about me, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in the Navy Seals, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret raids on Al-Quaeda, and I have over 300 confirmed kills. I am trained in gorilla warfare and I’m the top sniper in the entire US armed forces. You are nothing to me but just another target. I will wipe you the fuck out with precision the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of spies across the USA and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the storm, maggot. The storm that wipes out the pathetic little thing you call your life. You’re fucking dead, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can kill you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my bare hands. Not only am I extensively trained in unarmed combat, but I have access to the entire arsenal of the United States Marine Corps and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable ass off the face of the continent, you little shit. If only you could have known what unholy retribution your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit fury all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking dead, kiddo.” Said Carl.

“That made me sad.” Said Pinkie.

“Carl you memeing fuck! You made Pinkie sad!” Said Twilight.

“I dun goofed.” Said Carl.

“Stop memeing, or you will no longer be welcome at my castle.” Said Twilight.

“Pickle Rick.” Said Carl.

“You are now exiled.” Said Twilight.

“Wubba lubba dub dub.” said carl.

And then it rained a lot.

“Trixie, I am cold and wet, like a lonely vagina, may I come inside.” Said CArll.

“No, there is only enough room in this carriage for two wet vaginas.” SAid TRixie.

“Wait, what?”

“You have made me so mad, I shall take you to Rarity’s house, to prove to you how mad I really am.” Said Trixie.

“Wait, what?”

“Here is Rarity’s house. You now owe me for this at some point in the future.” Said Trixie.

“Wait, what?”

“Hello, darling. I am Rarity, darling. I will clean you up, darling.” Said Darling.

“I am okay with this.” Said Carl.

“I shall also give you a makeover darling.” Said dalring.

“I am not okay with this.” Said Carl.

“Tough titties.” SaidDARLING.

“I am hungry.” Said Carl.

“where are the 3-cheese pizzas” Said Rarity.

“i ate those foods” Said Carl.

“where are the taco shells” Said Rarity.

“i ate those foods” Said Carl

“where did all the hamburger helper go” Said Rarity.

“Ponies Don’t Eat Hamburgers.” Said Carl.

“Go to bed, Carl.” SAid Rarity.

“I will do that thing that you just said.” Said Carl.

“GREETINGS PONOS I AM THE QUEEN OF NIGHT I HAVE COME TO SURVEY YOUR DREAMS” SAID LUNA

“Yo, I’m so baked bruh. I dont even know what hosres even feeeel.” Said Carl.

“wE SHALL NOW CONVERSE” sAID lUNA

“k” Said Carl.

“wE WOULD LIKE TO INQUIRE AS TO THE CURRENT STATE OF YOUR EMOTIONS AND OR FEELINGS IN THIS VERY MOMENT IN TIME” sAID lUNA

“wut” Said carl

“fORGIVE ME IT SEEMS THAT QUESTION WAS FAR TOO ADVANCED FOR YOUR CURRENT MENTAL CAPACITY TO COMPREHAND” sAID lUNA

“Oh, that’s okay, dude.” Said Carl.

“dO YOU HAVE ANY FURTHER DETAILS ABOUT YOURSELF THAT YOU WISH TO DIVULGE” sAID lUNA.

“I guess... you see, it all started a long ass time ago, in a town called Kickapoo, a story all about how my life got flipped, turned upside-down. Now I’d like to take a minute, just sit right there and I’ll tell how I became the Prince of a town called Bel-Air.” Said Carl.

“What the actual fuck are you talking about?” Said Luna.

“I just want to meme.” Said Carl.

“Okay, this is getting silly, I’m leaving now.” Said Luna.

“I am now awake.” Sai d Carl.

“Squeak.” Said Sweetie Belle.

“Ew, go away.” Said Carl.

“Carl, we will now have an emotional discussion, while Rarity makes me stuff and things.” Said FLuttershy

“I don’t know, that sounds kinda gay.” Said CArl.

“That is okay,becuase RArity is already back with my thingstuff.” Said Fluttershy.

“Darling, here is your thingstuff darling.” Darling said darling.

“I will take this to Pinkie PIe/” Said FLuttereshy.

“I will also leave.” Said CArl.

“Carl, I thought you were cool, but it turns out you actaully drool..” Said Rainbow Dash.

“I don’t remember even having a conversation with you.” Said Carl.

“We are the CutiemMArk Crusaders and we are here to annoy you.” Said one or more of the Cutie mArk Crusaders.

“This annoys me.” Said Carl.

“What in tarnation.” Sid Applejack

“I refuse to apologise to Pinky about my earlier shitpost.”

“[yeehaws angrily]” Said Applejack

“I do not wish to go to Sugarcube Croner to apologise to Pink” Said cARL.

“There’s a snake in my boot.” Said Applejack.

"If you are going to tie me up, then I guess I have no choice." Said Carl.

"Reach for the sky, boy howdy." Said Applejack.

“What?”

“Sorry, my knowledge of cowboy stereotypes is rather limited.”

“Oh, that’s okay, nobody’s perfect.”

“I am now the sad.” Said Pinkie Pie.

“Stop being sad.” SAdi Carl.

“I am no longer sad.” Said Pinkie PIe/

“Bitchin’” Said Carl.

“Take this scarf as a sign of our friendship.” SAid Pinkie.

+2 Defense.

“Let us go see Twilight.” Said Pinkie.

“I’m pretty sure most people stopped reading by this point, but sure, okay.” SAid Carl.

“I am still mad.” Said Twilight.

“I am also mad.” Said Unis.

“Pinkie is no longer sad.” Said Carl.

“That makes me glad.” Said Twilight.

“That’s pretty rad.” Said Carl.

“I still disapprove.” Said Unis.

“FUCK YOU UNIS, YOU DUMB PIECE OF SHIT! YOU RUINED OUR COMBO!” Said Carl.

“We sahll do the shopping now.” Said Twilight.

“Wow, what an interesting and engaging plot development.” SAid CArl.

“I am child character.2 Said child character.

“Cool. Said Carl.

KABLAMZO!

“The store explodeded.” Said CArl.

“I am villain.” Said SPOILER

“Villain bad.” Said Twilight.

“Behold my giant balls.” SAid [SPOILER}

“Get your balls out of my face.” Twiliht said.

“I shall punch you.” SAid Carl.

“I highly doubt that.” SAdi Villain [SPOILER

“I have punched you.” Said Carl.

“MY doubts were misplaced.” Said spoiler[]

“ur gay lol.” Said Carl.

“Your words cut deeper than any wound. I am taking this child now.” SAid [SPIOLER]

“Let that child alone.” SAid Carl.

“Curses foiled again.” Said [VILLAIN} spoiler.

“We must go to Canterlot.”Said Twilight.

“Cool;” SAid CArl.

“Via train.” SAid TWilight.

“Not cool.” Said Carl.

“Carl, do you want to play cards.” SAid Twilight.

“No,” SAid CArl.

“Unis do you want to play carsd.” Said Twilight.

“Yes.” Said Unis.

“Cards are for homosexuals.” SAid Carl.

“What is wrong Carl ar you of gallus gallus domesticus descent.” Said UNIS

“U fokin wot m8!? Ill kick yer bleedin teef in, i swear on me mum>” Said Carl.

And then they played cards.

“I am win.” Said Carl.

“I just hope the outcome of this game does not foreshadow any future plot points.” Said Unis.

“I as well.” Said CArl.

“ We are CAnterlot now.” SAid Twilight.

“That person is being mugged.” Said Unis.

“lel” Said Carl.

“We are now at the castle except for Unis becuase I couldn’t be bothered to give him anything to do at this particular point in the story.”

“THE FLAG FOR SISTER@S ARRIVAL IS ONLY TRIGGERED AFTER THE ENCOUNTER WITH VILLAIN MAN>” SAID LUNA

“Villain man outside” Said Guard/

“I SHALL CONFRONT VILLIAN MAN>” SAID LAUN

“I am villain man.” SAid villain man

“WHO ARE YOU” SAID LUNA

“My name”

“WHO ARE YOU”

“My name….”

WHO ARE YOU”

“My..”

“WHO ARE YOU”

“....”

“My name is not important. What is important is what I'm going to do... I just fuckin' hate this world. And the human worms feasting on its carcass. My whole life is just cold, bitter hatred. And I always wanted to die violently. This is the time of vengeance and no life is worth saving. And I will put in the grave as many as I can. It's time for me to kill. And it's time for me to die. My genocide crusade begins here.”

“WHO ARE YOU”

“I am leaving now.”

“I have returned to the story.” SAid Celestia.

“THat’s nice.” SAid Carl.

“sISTER I HAVE ENCOUNTERED VILLAIN MAN FROM !))) YEARS AGO” SAID LUNA

“Shiet” Said Celestia.

“pLEASE ELEBORATE ON HIS BACKSTORY.”

“[lol I’m not rewriting all that shit]” SAid Celestia

“I am leaving now.” SAid CArl.

“I shall join you.” SAid Twiligh

“I wish to get drunk.” SAid CArl.

“We do not have drunk inthis world.” Said Twilight.

“I am saddened greatly by this revelation.” Said Carl

“Has Anyone Really Been Far Even as Decided to Use Even Go Want to do Look More Like? Said Twilight.

“We have now bonded emotionally” SAid Carl.

“Does that mean we’re friends now?” SAid Twilight.

“No.”

Part 13: In Case You Couldn't Tell, I'm Very Good at Taking Physical Abuse

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Part 14: You're Using Two Weapons!? That's Cheating!

At the edge of the small town of Ponyville lay the Castle of Friendship, towering over it, as a symbol of strength and harmony. However, moping just outside it’s royal entrance, an Earth pony, sat with his head in his hooves. Completely oblivious to the Castle's splendour, instead bored to tears, as he waited for what seemed like an eternity.

As he lingered on the steps, like a miserable lump, a pale pegasus, fluttered from the sky above to greet him. “Hello, Carl.”

“Hey, Flutters.” He replied.

“Um, why are you sitting on the castle steps all by yourself?”

“Twilight kicked me out... again.”

“Oh, dear. What did you do this time?”

“Nothing.”

Even Fluttershy wasn’t gullible enough to buy that poor excuse, as she raised an eyebrow.

“Okay, maybe I wouldn’t stop shit-talking Unis whenever he opened his mouth. But, can you blame me? The guy’s an asshole.”

“Aren’t you being just a little, um.... aggressive?”

“I’m not aggressive! You shut your face!”

Fluttershy returned his insult with a jaded stare.

“Okay, so I’m aggressive. What are you gonna do? Schedule a therapy session?”

“Goodness, no. I like you, just the way you are.”

“Oh.” Carl wasn’t used to receiving compliments that weren't backhanded, but it was somehow refreshing to know, someone liked him, just for being him. “Hey, what the hell are you doing here, anyway?”

“Twilight wanted us all to have a friendship meeting. To make sure we’re all ready for when Mephisto returns.”

“Heh… friendship meeting.” Carl chuckled to himself.

“Anyway… I suppose I should head on in…” Fluttershy slowly opened the door, but felt bad about leaving Carl outside, all alone.

“Hey-”

“Just go inside, Fluttershy.” He interjected.

“But… are you sure?”

“Your friends are waiting for you, don’t worry about me.”

“Okay, promise not to get into trouble for me?”

“I promise nothing.”

Fluttershy went inside, leaving Carl to return to his thoughts. He looked over the peaceful town of Ponyville, from atop the stairs of it’s royal palace, pondering how such a tranquil world of cute talking animals could house such a dark, dangerous, destructive force of nature.

“Almost wish I was here just to solve some gay friendship problem, at least then my life wouldn't be at risk.” He complained to himself.

“Well, well… you’re looking rather miserable. Did Twilight forget to feed her pet?”

Carl looked towards the bottom of the steps to find a blue pony in a strange purple cape and wizard’s hat. “Who are you?”

“Oh, dear. How could you possibly forget moi?” She cleared her throat and rose on her hind legs, as fireworks fired in all directions, exploding around her. “I am: The Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“Oh, yeah… How could I forget this migraine.” Carl winced.

“Perhaps you also didn't forget the promise you made?”

“The hell are you talking about?”

“At Rarity’s boutique? You owe Trixie, remember?”

“Fuck’s sake. You do realise a psychotic demon mist is flying around possessing people, right?”

“Trixie shall hear none of your excuses. You will fulfill your promise, or face the consequences.”

“Oh, yeah? And what are you gonna do?”

Trixie shot Carl with a stream of magic. It didn’t hurt, but his throat tickled. He attempted to yell a string of mocking profanities at Trixie, only to discover his voice was completely shot.

“You dirty, conniving bitch!” Was what he wanted to scream, but all Trixie saw was a disgruntled miming performance.

“What was that? Trixie couldn’t hear you.” She smirked.

Carl continued to scream silently, only to grow even angrier and scream even more nothing at her. His silent thrashing had Trixie in stitches. “I love this spell.”

He soon tired himself out, as Trixie ascended the stairs. “Now, if you promise to help Trixie with her little errand, Trixie might give you your voice back.”

Carl rolled his eyes in displeasure.

“Was that a yes?” She asked.

Carl reluctantly nodded.

“Good. First, I would like you to escort me to Twilight Sparkle’s library. There are some spell books Trixie wishes to read.” She instructed.

He reluctantly opened the doors to the castle. He may be going against Twilight’s orders, but he hardly ever followed them anyway.

“Thank you.” Trixie arrogantly strolled past Carl, until he stepped on her cape, forcing her to stop. “Hey! Watch it!”

Carl pointed to his open mouth, hoping she’d return the favour, already.

“No thanks. Trixie already ate.”

Carl furiously pointed to his mouth again.

“Oh, I see.” Trixie’s horn lit up, as Carl waited for her magic spell. A small spray can appeared and squirted it’s contents into his mouth as he reeled back from the shock. “It’s mint flavoured. That should help dull that nasty horse breath of yours.”

Carl was mad, but he couldn’t deny that sweet, refreshing, minty taste and followed her into the castle.

“Every time I come here, I’m amazed at how much wasted space this castle has. How does Starlight even navigate this maze?” Trixie continued to ramble about Twilight’s lame castle and how great it would look if she were in charge. Carl would have found it hilarious, if he still had working vocal chords to laugh with.

“...anyway, where is Twilight’s library? Trixie is growing tired of wondering these confusing, empty halls.”

Carl shrugged, not like he could tell her even if he did know.

“Well, what good are you, then?” She criticised, seemingly forgetting why she forced him along in the first place.

“Uh, what are you two doing here?” Asked a bemused pony.

“Ooh, Starlight, finally.” Trixie bounced over to her friend for a hug. “You wouldn’t happen to know where Twilight’s library is, would you?”

“Really, Trix. This again?”

“Yes, this again! Trixie needs those spells! My show demands it!”

“How the heck did you convince Carl to let you in here?”

“He owes me.”

“Is that true, Carl?”

Carl answered, but naturally not a sound came out.

Starlight was perplexed. “Are you doing that on purpose?”

He mimed a frustrated: “NO!” in response.

“Trixie, did you use the silencing spell on Carl?”

“Me? Why would I, The Great and Powerful Trixie, need to use a silencing spell on some random, insignificant… okay, yeah I did.”

Starlight sighed. “Okay, Carl. Hold still and I’ll have you back to normal in a second.”

She fired a beam of magic at Carl’s face, tickling his throat.

“How do you feel?”

Carl belched. “Better. And, what the hell do you even need a silencing spell for, anyway?”

“If you must know, Trixie uses it on hecklers.” She pouted.

“Oh, I’ll show you a heckle...”

Carl was raring for a fight, but Starlight, thankfully intervened. “Hey, how about we don’t fight in the middle of Twilight’s castle, while she’s in an important meeting.”

“Fine with me.” Trixie replied. “But, Trixie isn’t leaving until Carl fulfills his promise, of escorting Trixie to Twilight’s library.”

“Okay, but keep it quiet. I don’t want to disturb the others.”

“Assfuck!” Carl bellowed.

“What did I just say!?”

“Sorry, just testing my vocal chords.”

Starlight guided Carl and Trixie through the castle, around the meeting chamber and into Twilight’s library. The room was vast, with walls of crystal shelves, filled from top to bottom with books.

Trixie was ecstatic, the amount of potential spells she could use for her show were seemingly endless. She didn’t know where to start, so she began looking at the cover of each book, tossing away the ones that didn’t interest her, as Starlight caught the stray books being raided from their shelves.

As she skimmed through their pages, she soon realised she barely understood the theory behind any of them and quickly grew bored and sauntered around the room for anything that might catch her attention.

She stopped and stared at the giant mirror contraption, at the back of the room. “Ooh... what’s this?” She asked.

“That’s the mirror portal, Trixie. Don’t touch it.”

“Can we turn it on?”

“No.”

“Fine.” She continued to examine the portal, hoping to find some kind of switch.

“Now, what are you doing?” Starlight asked, impatiently.

“Nothing.” Trixie smiled.

“Weren’t you here to look up magic spells?”

“Yeah, Trixie didn’t understand any of them, but this mirror portal though....” She wandered around the back of the contraption.

“Trixie, I’m serious, don’t touch anything!”

Trixie snickered to herself. “Oh, Starlight. I’m only teasing, you need to lighten- WAH!” There was a loud clang, as Trixie toppled over behind the mirror.

Starlight scrambled to help her friend up. “Please don’t tell me you broke something!”

“Oh, relax, I just tripped on this big, dish thingy.”

Trixie kicked the dish thingy off her person, as Starlight levitated it into the light where she get a proper look at it.

“Hey, I recognise that dish thingy.” Carl called.

“You do?” Starlight questioned.

“Yeah, let me see it.”

Carl snagged the dish thingy right out of Starlight’s grasp. Balancing it on his hoof, he examined it closely, but he didn’t see anything particularly special about it. Curious as to just how strong it was, he slipped his arm through the harness on the back and smacked it, as hard as he could, against one of the crystal pillars in the room.

As the dish thingy bashed against the pillar, the impact left a massive cracked indent, as it reverberated on his arm, like a gong.

“Woah, shit!” Carl cried.

“Will you stop that.” Starlight scolded. “You’ll hurt yourself.”

“Wouldn’t that be ironic.”

“What do you mean 'ironic'? Where could you have possibly seen this, anyway? You’ve only been in this world for a few days….” As Starlight mulled over the information, it suddenly clicked. “Wait… is this!?”

“What are you doing with that!?” Unis blared from the entrance.

He marched towards Starlight in a flustered rage. “This is property of the Royal Guard. Return it, immediately.”

“Hold up there, Captain.” Carl stepped in front of Starlight, eager to confront Unis on his shady behaviour. “What was Royal Guard property doing in Twilight’s castle, in the first place?”

Unis was shaken, Carl was the last person he wanted to converse with right now. “It’s none of your business, commoner.”

“Oh, okay, then.” Just when Unis thought he had successfully sidestepped the issue, Carl immediately spoke again. “Hey, Starlight. You know what that shield you’re holding is, right?”

“It’s an ancient Equestrian artefact. A shield that can deflect any and all magic. The Sacred Shield.” She explained.

Sweat rolled down Unis’ face, his nerves shaken.

“Now, that’s odd.” Carl pondered. “I could have sworn a similar shield was stolen yesterday. You wouldn’t happen to know anything about that, would you, Captain?”

Unis couldn’t stand Carl’s smug attitude, but he refused to play into his hooves. He took a deep breath and calmly explained the situation.

“Nopony stole anything. As Captain of the Royal Guard, I have full access to the Castle’s weaponry vault, that includes the Sacred Shield. I simply took it without informing anypony, which is why the guards initially perceived it’s sudden disappearance as a theft.”

Of course, Carl wasn’t satisfied with just that. “And the shadowy figure they saw?”

“That was Mephisto. I’m not sure what he was doing, but he was caught nonetheless, so his actions are irrelevant.”

“Alright, but that still leaves one question: Why did you take it?”

“I don’t need to explain myself to you.”

“Oh, don’t be such a whiny bitch, just tell us.”

“I am not whiny!”

“Um, Unis, what are you yelling at?” Fluttershy asked, overhearing the argument from the other room. “Oh! Carl, what are you doing in here?”

“Just having a friendly chat with the Captain.”

“Oh, that’s wonderful… but, also hard to believe. What are you actually doing?”

"What I do best." With Unis refusing to cooperate, Carl had to fall back on his most powerful skill, good old fashioned bluffing. “I think I’ve figured out what you’re planning, Captain.”

“Please, enlighten us.” Unis mocked.

“I bet you thought you could use this shield to challenge Mephisto, all by yourself. Right?”

“What are you babbling about? As if I’d do something so selfish and stupid.”

“Yeah, I doubt Celestia would appreciate all the extra stress your heroic endeavour would cause her.”

"Obviously."

"Unless... you're going against her orders."

“What...? What are you trying to accomplish with these ridiculous accusations?” Despite his calm, authoritative demeanour, Unis was sweating bullets and Carl could tell, he could always tell. No matter how hard Unis tried to keep his cool, Carl would always see right through him and he loathed him for it.

Carl leaned into Unis’ face, creating even more discomfort for the young Captain.

“Unis.” He quietly addressed.

“Get out of my face.” Unis angrily muttered.

“You’re not actually allowed to take the Sacred Shield, are you?”

“Back. Off.”

“You took it without permission, didn’t you?”

“I said: ‘Back. Off.’”

“You stole it, didn’t you?”

“Back. OFF!” Unis unleashed a burst of magic, pushing Carl out of his personal space.

“I’ll take that as a ‘yes’.”

“What!?” Fluttershy flew between the warring stallions, to confront Unis. “That's not true, is it!?”

“Yes… it’s true. There are certain weapons that can only be used with the Princess' permission.”

“But, you’re supposed to be a Captain. You can’t just steal things like that. Why didn’t you ask?”

“I did ask!” Unis suddenly yelled. “But, every time I brought up the idea, Celestia... she would always give me the same answer. Let Carl deal with it. Carl can handle it. Just leave everything to Carl. Why!? What in the name of Tartarus makes that retched, vulgar commoner, so special!?”

“I don’t fucking know.” Carl laughed.

“That’s it. I am done playing your games! I'm putting an end to this petty squabbling!”

“I think you’ve embarrassed yourself enough, already.”

Unis snapped. He couldn’t take anymore. Celestia’s faith in what he perceived to be a mere nuisance was something he no longer cared to understand. All he wanted was to prove once and for all, that Carl was nothing special, just a commoner with an undeserved ego.

He attempted to engage Carl, but was blocked by Fluttershy. “Stop! Fighting Carl won't prove anything!”

“Move!” Without even thinking, Unis shoved Fluttershy aside, knocking her to the ground.

Fluttershy let out a weak cry as she hit the ground, visibly shocked by Unis’ crassness.

“What say you, commoner!? Do you accept!?”

The ponies in the room were stunned by Unis' behaviour. As for Carl, a sudden strange feeling washed over him, after witnessing Fluttershy, batted aside like trash. A strange concoction of disgust, disappointment and utter contempt.

These emotions all stirred within him, mixing together to form a calm fury. The moment Fluttershy's delicate frame struck the ground, it triggered an emotional reaction he didn’t even know he was capable of. An anger that wasn't just another childish explosion, but focused, like a laser beam and it was aimed solely at Unis.

“What the hell do you think you’re doing? I thought you were supposed to be protecting these people, not smacking them around, like stray dogs. You think that just because you’re a Royal Captain you can treat the commoners like dirt? That because you have some arbitrary title assigned to you, that automatically makes you better than everyone else?”

Unis glanced over at Fluttershy, briefly. His impulsive anger having already subsided, he wanted nothing more than to apologise for what he did, but the judgemental glares of the ponies around him kept him quiet, pinned to the spot by guilt. Even so, there was still one thing that pushed him out of his paralysis, his insane pride, urging him to best Carl, by any means necessary.

“You… how dare you lecture me on how to treat others...”

Before Unis could even begin his counterargument, Carl instantly interrupted him.

“Shut up! I'm not finished!

I may be an asshole, but I don’t go smacking people around for no goddamn reason. I just despise pompous, pretentious pricks who think they can control me, based on their status alone. Especially when they’re sycophantic, ass-kissers like you.

Because, unlike you, Unis, I don’t suddenly keep my mouth shut when someone who outranks is within earshot, just to save face. I always punch above my weight class, I always challenge those who think they’re above me and I’ll always drag delusional dumbasses like you back into reality, to remind you that no amount of trophies or titles, will ever make you a better person than anyone else.

Labels don't define you, you're actions do! Right, Twilight!?”

Unis’ heart stopped, as he slowly turned his head to look behind him. Princess Twilight and the rest of her friends were right there, having been watching the entire conversation.

“I figured you were the ones causing all this commotion.” Twilight groaned.

“Pr-princess… I-I…” All Unis could do was stutter.

“Unis, what are you doing? I’m not surprised by Carl’s behaviour, but you? I expected better from the pony who inherited my brother’s position.”

“Oh shit!” Carl laughed. “You're following in the footsteps of Twilight's brother? I bet he never attacked his own subjects.”

“Shut. Up. You. Dolt!” Unis snapped, forcing himself into Carl’s face. “You know nothing of the stress that comes from being the Captain of Celestia’s Royal Guard!”

“That’s no excuse for being a shithead!” Carl replied, pushing back.

“Laughable, coming from you, ingrate!”

“I’m not the one in charge of an army, stupid!”

“ENOUGH!” Unis shouted. “I’m going to put you in your place, once and for all. Carl, I challenge you to a Knight’s Duel!”

“What? We don’t have to play cards again, do we?”

Starlight quickly explained. “A Knight’s Duel is a serious, one-on-one battle between two ponies. You get one weapon each and you fight until you either surrender, or are knocked down for more than ten seconds.”

“So, it’s a fight he’s looking for? Sure, I’ve been wanting to smash your face in since the day we met.”

“What!?” Twilight yelled. “No! You can’t fight now!”

“Stay out of this!” The rivals roared.

“You two are impossible!” Twilight was finally at the end of her rope and gave in. “Fine, have your stupid fight, Carl, but you better not exhaust yourself, I don't want you half-dead when Mephisto shows up.”

“If I defeat this commoner, then it’ll be proof that we never needed him to begin with.” Unis reasoned.

“Shut up. Where are we doing this?” Carl asked.

“The grove, where we found the Lightning Ball. We won’t be disturbed there.”

“I’ll see you there in thirty minutes, Captain.”

Unis stormed out of the room.

“Wow.” Trixie gasped, suddenly feeling very out of place. “That was awkward.”

“Trixie? Why are you here?” Twilight asked.

“Starlight! Trixie’s bestest friend! How about we go get some ice-cream?”

“Hey! Who’s been messing with my books!?”

Thirty one minutes passed before Carl arrived at the grove, accompanied by Twilight, where Unis awaited him.

Still covered in the scars left by the Lightning Ball, the grove was otherwise, calm with a slight breeze blowing through the trees, as the two combatants stared each other down. Unis with his determined scowl and Carl with his usual smirk.

“Where is you weapon, commoner?” Unis asked, with the Scared Shield harnessed to his foreleg, ready for battle.

“Twilight, prepare my weapon.” On Carl’s command, Twilight’s magic created a puff of purple light behind a large boulder, just beside Carl.

Unis was immediately skeptical. “What are you planning?”

“I’m planning on kicking your ass. Now, come at me!”

“Very well.”

Unis’ horn glowed with a silvery aura. His magic gathered in front of him, forging a sword of pure energy.

“Hey, what the hell!? You’re using two weapons!? That’s cheating!” Carl objected.

“Actually, Unicorn’s are free to use their magic during a Knight’s Duel.” Twilight corrected.

“That’s not even fair.”

“Alright you two, as per the rules of a Knight’s Duel. Whoever keeps their opponent knocked down for more than ten seconds, wins.”

“Wait, are we starting now, or what?”

Unis’ magic blade, swiftly carved through the air, catching Carl off-guard, as it sliced right through his bandaged leg.

“WHAT THE FUCK! MY LEG!” The pain was searing and unbearable, but as Carl looked down, he realised that his leg was perfectly fine. It wasn’t detached, or even bleeding, his rag was also left completely intact. “It’s... still there? Then, why does it hurt so fucking much!?”

“These magic swords are a technique used by the Royal Guard to neutralise particularly troublesome foes.” Unis explained. “Though, they do not slice off flesh, their magic tricks your nervous system into believing your limbs have been severed, so the pain is still very real.”

"Sadistic bastard!"

The blade came swinging at Carl once again, but every time it made a pass at him, he jumped, ducked and dodged to avoid it. It was an impressive sight, but Carl had also been completely zoned out by a single blade.

Out of frustration, Carl leapt away a great distance, with the sword instantly following him. He stood on his hind legs and kicked a stray rock, like a football. He quickly lost balance and fell on his rear, as the rock flew up and smashed through the magical blade.

“Ha! How’d you like that, you cheat!?”

“Cheat!? Me!?” Offended by Carl’s outburst, Unis immediately turned to Twilight. “That rock counts as using a second weapon!”

Twilight, once again, clarified. “Nope, the rules state that you can only bring one weapon. There’s nothing that says you can’t use the surrounding environment to your advantage.”

"That's... not even fair."

“Get fucked, Unis!” Carl taunted.

“Fine… in that case…” This time, Unis summoned a pair of magic swords. He effortlessly directed them towards Carl, prompting him to throw his rock, hoping to smash them, just like before. However, the two swords crossed over each other and with their combined strength, resisted the rock’s force. With a series of quick, successive slashes they reduced Carl's rock to rubble before it could even touch the ground.

“Oh shit.” He muttered.

The blades darted over to a defenseless Carl and repeatedly stabbed into him, jutting in and out like pistons, before a final thrust sent him flying back over to Twilight. The distance between them having grown even larger.

“Carl!” She cried, as he lay at her hooves. “Are you alright!?”

“I feel like I was just stung by a swarm of hornets.”

“Do you concede, commoner?” Unis asked.

“Eat my ass!”

“I’ll take that as a ‘no’.”

Carl picked himself up, ignoring his pain and attempted to close the distance between them, the only way he knew how. By blindly rushing forward. The magic swords met Carl halfway, to cut him off, but using his powerful legs, Carl vaulted over the swords as they flew past him.

As soon as he landed, he stumbled, but continued his charge, ready to knock Unis senseless with a running shot, but the moment they came face-to-face, Unis raised his shield and stopped Carl in his tracks. “Sorry, commoner, but you're pathetic flailing is powerless before my shield.”

Unis’ swords locked sights onto Carl, but he kept pummeling away at the shield, despite his efforts clearly being futile. However, this was only a distraction, as soon as the swords got close, he promptly leapt backwards, leaving the swords to crash into the shield, destroying them.

“That was close…” Carl sighed as he landed on his butt, again. “But, those swords aren’t much help, once I’m in your face.”

“I’m ending this farce.” Unis’ body shined with a silver aura, until a ring of magic swords surrounded him, spinning around his body like razor blades.

“Fucking... seriously?”

“I’ve sealed off your only means of attack. So, what will you do now, commoner?”

“Guess it's time to use my trump card.”

Carl smirked, before immediately turning around and running away, with a high-pitched squeal.

“You coward!” Unis angrily gave chase.

Carl was fast, easily out-pacing Unis and his shredding swords. He headed for the boulder, Twilight left his weapon behind, and with all his might, threw his rock solid hoof into it, as it crumbled to pieces.

“Well... that was kinda impressive...” Twilight muttered.

“That hurt like hell.” Carl internally screamed, as he tried to hide the throbbing pain in his arm.

“Those pebbles won’t save you!” Unis was closing in, Carl promptly leapt behind a large piece of boulder debris and kicked it. Unis raised his shield for protection, and effortlessly deflected it.

Angered by such dishonourable tactics, Unis summoned more swords, and with greater focus and control, cut the boulder pieces to ribbons, before blowing away the remaining gravel and dust from blocking his vision, with magic. However, when the dust cleared, Carl was nowhere to be seen.

“Where are you, you idiot!?” For those few seconds, Unis was stumped. He was certain Carl was hiding, waiting to make a sneak attack. Unis was surrounded by swords and Carl couldn’t burrow underground, which meant there was only one blind spot left for him to exploit, but by the time Unis realised this, it was already too late.

Unis glanced upward, shocked to discover Carl, practically diving bombing towards him, and in his mouth, was his weapon. A giant, iron hammer. Unis fired his remaining swords to stop him, but the force of his fall was far too strong. They pierced right through him, but at this point, any pain Carl felt was irrelevant, as he continued his descent.

There was only one course of action Unis could take, he raised his shield. Carl swung the massive hammer at full force, as it crashed into Unis' last defense. While the shield was unharmed, the hammer’s impact reverberated throughout Unis’ body. His world was spinning, his ears were ringing and his legs couldn't stop shaking, he was completely dazed.

Carl’s taunts, smashing the boulder and kicking the debris, these weren't just the mindless tactics of a fool. They contributed to creating this one, solid opening. With Unis stunned from the assault, Carl rushed in and delivered the finishing blow, a hard punch straight into Unis’ face, that sent him rolling across the ground.

Unis struggled to get up, as the pain from the punch and the shock from the hammer turned his legs to jelly. It was well over ten seconds before he regained his balance, but by then, the fight was already over. He lost.

“Welp, I’ve proven my point. Can't remember what it was, but whatever. I’m outta here.” Carl announced, leaving the grove with disinterest.

Twilight was left alone with Unis, who was so ashamed by his loss, all he could do was sit and stare at the dirt.

“You fell for his tricks again.” Twilight critiqued as gently as she could, hoping not to wound Unis’ pride even further.

“I don’t understand. I overwhelmed him, he was helpless and yet, in the span of seconds it was all over. How does he do it? How does he have such confidence in what are nothing more than mere bluffs?”

“Carl's confidence in his ability to read his opponents, is no bluff. You underestimated him and you paid heavily for it, by playing right into his hooves.”

“Underestimated him...?”

“Unis, having a strong sense of conviction is fine, but against a trickster like Carl, things like honour and justice mean nothing to him. He only plays to win.”

Just then, a thought echoed in Twilight’s mind, a sudden epiphany. “...'justice means nothing to him'…? That can't be the reason... can it?”

“When I became Captain, I took it as a sign of my superiority. That I was one of the strongest Unicorns in Equestria. The idea that somepony of my stature, would ever have to take a risk in order to overcome a problem was terrifying.

If my strength wasn’t enough, than no one’s was and I could never allow a danger that powerful to threaten our people. That fear forced me to believe that my power was absolute and unquestionable, but it seems those beliefs have been disproven. My power blinded me.”

Twilight felt nothing but empathy for Unis. She too, understood the fear one faces from the massive responsibility their position brought them. “It’s okay, Unis. Everypony messes up sometimes, but as the Captain of the Royal Guard, you just gotta pick yourself up and try again, right?”

“Not this time...”

“What?”

Unis removed his helmet, freeing his long, grey mane. “I am no longer Captain Unis of the Royal Guard… from now on, I’m just Unis Guardna.”

“You’re not seriously quitting?”

“If there’s one thing this battle has taught me, it’s that I‘m not fit to be a Captain, at least not yet. I let my emotions get the best of me and for such petty reasons. Besides, what kind of Captain loses to a mere commoner?” Unis laughed.

“What will you do now?”

“I'm not sure, but for now, I would like to be left alone with my own thoughts.”

“Alright, I suppose I’ll have to lug this helmet all the way back to the castle, myself.”

“Thank you, Princess.”

Whilst Twilight and Unis remained in the grove, Carl had returned to the castle. He planned on spending his time relaxing inside, while he waited for Mephisto to show up, but it seemed his wait was far shorter than he expected.

He spotted a familiar face hanging around the entrance. The scarred criminal pony he met in Canterlot. Despite the convict’s confused expression, Carl didn’t hesitate to confront them immediately.

Carl lunged at the criminal, who cowered in fear from the sight of him. “Gotcha, prick!”

“Oh, Celestia! Not you again!” The criminal cried.

“Alright, Smokey! Let’s go!”

Carl put up his dukes, but was soon deterred when he saw his opponent scared stiff.

“Uh, Mephisto?” Carl asked, tapping on the frightened convict’s head. “You in there?”

“If you’re talking about that smoke thing, it’s gone, okay.”

“What?”

“It just dumped me here. I don’t even know where I am right now.”

“You’re outside Princess Twilight’s castle, so unless you want to get arrested again, I suggest you get lost!”

“Y-yes, sir!” The criminal quickly made themselves scarce, but Carl was still bothered by Mephisto’s disappearance.

“Wonder why Mephisto abandoned that guy...? Meh, I'm sure we'll figure that out later.”

Carl returned to the castle, with Twilight returning soon after.

As Twilight entered her throne room, she found her friends all gathered around the table talking, but with one pony sitting in a place he shouldn’t.

“Carl!” She called. “Get out of my chair!”

“Hey, Princess. Your butt must be hard as steel, if you find this slab of stone comfy.”

Twilight promptly levitated him out of her seat. “That’s what the cushions are for.”

“What’s with the helmet?”

“It’s Unis’”

“What? Did he lose it?”

“He… gave it up. He’s not a Captain anymore.”

“Holy shit, was he really that salty?”

Twilight dropped Carl from her spell. “Can you at least show a little remorse for your actions.”

“Hey, if Unis wants to quit being a Captain, that’s his decision.”

“Yeah, but don’t you feel even a little sorry…?”

“He’ll be fine, Twilight. Look, see? He’s right over there.”

“Wait, what?”

Twilight swiveled around to find Unis on the other side of the throne room, still wielding the Sacred Shield and looking distressed and tired, clearly having just ran from the grove.

“Princess!” He called. “I’ve just learned of some critical information! Please, bring your friends and follow me!”

“Unis, are you okay!?” Twilight asked.

“Still salty?” Carl added.

“Shut up, Carl!”

“Carl?”

Ignoring Carl's quips, Twilight continued. “What did you find out?”

“We don’t have much time, I’ll explain on the way.”

“Alright. Girls, let’s go!”

As they quickly prepared to leave, Pinkie hopped past Carl. “You coming?”

“I've already said it before, I ain’t doing shit until Celestia shows up.” Carl answered.

“Okay, see you later!”

“Whatever… I’ll be rummaging around in Starlight’s room, if you need me.”

Unis lead the group across town, sprinting the whole way, making it difficult for Twilight to ask him for any details. It wasn’t until they reached the edge of the Everfree Forest that they finally got a chance to slow down and talk.

Their frantic galloping slowed to a casual trot, allowing Twilight to catch her breath and finally question Unis.

“”Where… are we… going…?” She wheezed.

“There is something hidden in the Everfree Forest you must know about.”

“Was it really necessary.... for you to drag us…. all out here?”

“It’ll be far easier to explain, once you see it for yourself.”

“See what?”

"Something incredible."

"Where did you even get this information?"

“Let’s just say, Mephisto has abandoned his old host and he wasn’t too thrilled about it.”

“You mean that criminal? What was his name again?”

“It’s not important.”

Continuing their journey through the Everfree Forest, the girls were lead through the murky bog until they came to a cliff side. Without hesitation, Unis slid down the side, with the others soon following.

“We’re here.” Unis announced.

“But, I can’t see anything.” Twilight expressed, her vision blocked by the incredibly tall grass that stretched on for, what seemed like an eternity.

“Beyond this grass, lies Mephisto’s secret. Even I’m not sure what lies ahead, be cautious.”

Wading through the foliage, the group reached the center of the encompassing meadow. They were left in awe at the sight of the towering black crystals before them.

“No way... “ Twilight gasped. “These are the Black Crystal Monoliths.”

“You’ve heard of them?” Asked Unis.

“Yeah, in an old book. They’re extremely rare stones, capable of absorbing any and all kinds of magic. I should have known they’d be hidden away, deep in the Everfree Forest. Seems, Mephisto is trying to use them for something, we should return to the castle, before he shows up.”

As Twilight was about to head back into the grass, she bumped her face into a solid wall.

“What the-?” As she regained her senses from her collision, she noticed the purple wall was blocking her path. A wall that reached high into the sky, stretched around the crystals and concealing them in an inescapable barrier.

Twilight quickly examined the barrier. “This is... Mephisto’s magic?”

“What?” Applejack questioned. “But, I thought he needed to possess somepony to use his magic?”

“Yeah! And he couldn’t have possessed any of us!” Rainbow Dash added.

Twilight pondered for a moment. “He must have already found a new host and somehow followed us here.”

“What do we do!?” Fluttershy cried.

“Stick close together, as long as we have the Elements of Harmony, we can still defend ourselves.”

A mocking laughter suddenly echoed throughout the meadow. “Defend yourselves!? Princess, I don’t think you fully comprehend the situation you're in!”

“Mephisto! Where are you, you coward!”

“Coward? I’m sorry, but weren't you the ones planning on running back to your castle to plan a sneak attack!? I, however, have been in plain sight this entire time!”

“What!? Where!?”

“Maybe, if you stopped darting around like a frightened dog and looked at what was right in front of your face, you would have figured it out by now!”

Twilight and her friends looked ahead, but there was only one other pony with them, the one who lead them there in the first place.

“Unis…?”

The Captain turned around, wearing the same sickening smile that was plastered across the faces of all of Mephisto's victims. “Wrong again, Princess!”

“No… you didn’t…”

“But, I did! Oh, but don’t look so sad… this is where the real fun begins!”

Author's Note

"Let's try to keep each chapter at about 4000 to 5000 words, any more than that and I might as well just split it into two chapters." ~ Me a few months ago.

"lol, fuck that." ~ Me now.

See you next time, for the finale.... in like, a month.

Part 15: Together, We Shall Head Into the Epicentre of Chaos

Author's Note

So, the final chapter turned out to be longer than I thought it would be, so I've decided to split into two separate parts.

Kind of annoying, but do not threat, all 2 of my readers, the actual final chapter should only be out in about a week.

For realsies this time.

Part 15: Together, We Shall Head Into the Epicentre of Chaos

The sound of the wind rustled through the forest of grass that concealed the clearing, deep in the depths of the Everfree Forest. A large, impenetrable barrier imprisoned Twilight and her friends as the demon stared them down.

However, this devil did not have a true face. Like so many before, the stallion standing before them was an unwitting vessel, a containment for evil. Despite this, no matter whom he possessed, the demon could never hide his savage, destructive aura, nor his sickening smile, dripping with arrogance and self satisfaction.

Twilight was left stunned by Mephisto’s ploy and his blatant disregard for the life he had stolen. “How could you? Taking advantage of Unis when he was at his most emotionally vulnerable? That’s low, even for you.”

Naturally, Mephisto laughed in the face of Twilight’s harsh words. “How could I? I’m the personification of all negativity in Equestria! Hatred, sadness, greed, gluttony, jealousy. I embody it all! What's 'low' to you, is just common courtesy for me!

After losing his little spat, Unis' little heart was crushed. The poor boy lost so hard he began to question his true purpose in this world, making him ripe for the picking! How could I possibly pass up the opportunity to possess Celestia’s own Captain!? He was the perfect bait to lure you into my trap and you practically handed him to me on a silver platter!

Excellent work, Princess!”

“You won’t have him for long!” Twilight proclaimed. “We still have the Elements of Harmony and I know for a fact Unis is trying everything he can to purge you from his mind! We just need to give him the extra push he needs!”

“My word, you’re delusional! How many times do I have to beat you into the dirt before you finally keel over!?”

“As long as the Magic of Friendship still burns inside us, we'll never fall! I promise, we'll erase your evil from Equestria for good!”

“Right!” Her friends rallied behind her, psyched up for their final showdown.

Mephisto didn’t know how to react. He wanted to laugh in their faces, but they were clearly beyond the point of mockery. The only option he had left was to simply be blunt with them.

“Twilight Sparkle. You can preach about the Magic of Friendship all you like, but you simply cannot do the impossible. My evil cannot be erased, for it is the culmination of all evil in Equestria.

From children to adults. From saints to savages. All sentient beings are capable of evil, no matter how small the act, or insignificant the consequences. Their actions will always breed negativity. So long as this remains true, my evil can never be abolished.

Are you honestly convinced that the friendship between six little ponies is strong enough to destroy two millennia worth of collected animosity?”

Twilight's resolve was unshaken. “Always have, always will.”

“When prey are backed into a corner, they’ll blindly put their faith in anything, no matter how slight their chances of survival. I suppose it’s better than sitting around, watching as your tree house is reduced to ashes and then crying about it when no one’s looking.” He grinned.

“What!? What does that have to do with anything!?"

"It must have been real hard to come to terms with the fact, that everything you held dear was reduced to ashes in mere seconds. You do a good job of hiding it, but that trauma still haunts you to this day, doesn't it?"

"You… you can’t just...”

“There’s no need to be embarrassed. I’m sure that withered old stump meant a whole lot to you. After all, the sadness that followed was simply delicious. But, the memories of you watching helplessly as your home was obliterated before your very eyes and the heartbreak that followed? Now that was divine.”

Appalled by his behaviour, Applejack intervened. “Now, wait just a minute! You can’t just go around, opening old wounds like that!”

“Oh, be quiet, cowgirl. Unless you want me to reunite you with your parents.”

Applejack was immediately struck by shock, she didn’t think anyone would be brazen enough to strike her that low, so quickly.

But, not just Applejack, Rarity was bitterly offended by Mephisto’s blatantly manipulative words. “How dare you... you scoundrel! Abusing such painful memories, just to get to take a cheap shot at our feelings! Simply revolting!”

“And what are you going to do, Rarity!? Throw a dress at me!? Compared to Twilight and Starlight, your magic is severely lacking, useless even! All you can do is make pretty clothing that’ll be discarded and forgotten once it goes out of style.

Your art is fleeting, your magic is underwhelming and you can’t even fight. Remind me, why are you here again?”

Rarity was silent, too ashamed to speak up. It was as if Mephisto dove deep into the recesses of her mind and forced her own insecurities to the surface.

Snickering to himself as he reveled in the suffering of his victims, Mephisto continued his mental assault. “I’ve been feeding off of your negativity since the day you were all born! I know everything! All your dirty little secrets!

Like the nights Fluttershy spends, staring up at her pillow, wallowing in her own worthlessness. Was I too assertive? Not assertive enough? Did anyone even care? How about you stop getting out of bed altogether and save everyone the trouble? Your anxiety tastes far sweeter that way.”

Fluttershy covered her face in embarrassment. How was she supposed to act strong and brave when he inner thoughts were beings aired out in the open?

“What’s gotten into you guys!?” Dash yelled.

“Don’t even get me started on you, Rainbow Dash.” Mephisto chided.

“Try me, punk! I already know I'm an overconfident, try-hard! You’ve got nothing on me that I don’t already know myself!”

“Yeah, you tell him, Dashie!” Pinkie cheered.

Mephisto didn’t speak a word.

“Well?” Dash asked. “Give me your worst!”

Mephisto remained silent.

“Are you gonna say something or what!?”

“Honestly, Rainbow Dash. You’re not even worth commenting on.”

“WHAT!?”

Despite her cries of protest, Mephisto continued to ignore her.

“Ooh! Ooh! Do me! Do me!” Pinkie called.

“Pinkie Pie? I don’t think there’s enough time in the Universe to cover the mess of psychological issues clogging up that cesspool you call a mind.”

Pinkie was stumped for a moment. “Hey, I got off pretty easy.”

The rest of the girls were silent. The confidence and bravado they exhibited earlier had been dragged through the mud and left in a gutter to rot.

“What the heck is wrong with you guys!?” Dash decried. “You’re not seriously letting this jerk get to you, are you!?”

“Yeah!” Pinkie agreed. “I mean, Carl has said way worse stuff to me, but he also reminded me to never let some mean words stop me from smiling!”

“Smiling?” Twilight muttered.

Mephisto grew tired of watching Twilight and her friends feel sorry for themselves, while their remaining, deluded companions nattered on incessantly. “Will you idiots shut up! You’re fruitless words of encouragement are giving me second hand embarrassment.”

“Mephisto!” Twilight suddenly yelled.

“Now, what!?”

“I need to ask! Do you really have all of our memories!?”

“We’ve been over this, Princess. I’m the summation of every living beings negative emotions. I have everyone’s memories.”

“Then tell me. How did we defeat Nightmare Moon?”

“That’s easy. Obviously, you used the Elements of Harmony.”

“Really? How?”

“How? What are you talking about? You probably just used the Magic of Friendship, like you always do!”

“Like we always do? But, Mephisto, Nightmare Moon destroyed the Elements of Harmony! So, how could we have used them!?”

“Wh-What!? I-!? Is this some sad attempt at trying to buy time!?”

“Answer the question!”

“How about I just destroy you instead!?”

“I knew it!” The sadness that weighed down on Twilight suddenly lifted, replaced with newfound clarity.

“What are you smiling at!?” Mephisto, conversely, was on edge.

“You really have no idea what happened... Carl already found one exploit in your memory and I just found another!”

“An exploit!?”

“Your initial guess was right, we did defeat Nightmare Moon with the Elements, but the fact that you even had to guess, that there was a gap in your memory you had to hide, makes on thing abundantly clear.

You may have all of our negative memories, but that only tells half the story! You don’t know anything about our positive ones!”

For once, Mephisto was the one who was speechless.

“It wasn’t just the Magic of Friendship that defeated Nightmare Moon, it was the realisation, that the ponies I met were my closest friends. The happiness I felt at that moment was indescribable and that spark was what revived the Elements of Harmony, but you wouldn’t know anything about that, because you only focus on the negative!

You use our past against us, to take advantage of our vulnerabilities, to ensure that nobody will ever be able to work up the courage to face you head-on! But, I’ve learned that the words you use to control people, are just words. They only control you if you let them and I refuse to be swayed by the words of a demon!”

“Who cares if they control you!? Your negativity gave birth to me and my powers can and will, send you into a spiraling nightmare of pain! You can spout whatever nonsense you want, but you can’t deny the negativity in your hearts, my existence is proof of that!”

“Those negative emotions may always be there, Mephisto, but so will the positive ones. Our memories of happiness, triumph and laughter, those are the memories you lack, the ones you’ll never understand and so long as my friends are by my side, you’ll never take those away!"

A bright light began emanating from Twilight and her friends, a light that blinded Mephisto.

“What? What is this? What are you doing!?”

”For the friends you hurt, the ponies you possessed. For the pain you inflicted onto Ponyville, to Canterlot. For Celestia and Luna and for every other creature who ever had to suffer at the hands of your evil for the past thousand years! We’ll finally put an end to you!”

The light of the Elements of Harmony engulfed Twilight and her friends as it exploded forth, shattering the barrier that had entrapped them, as a pillar of light shined through.

A cold shiver, shocked Mephisto’s system, a feeling of sheer terror as he stared into the face of his oncoming demise. “Wait!? Timeout! What is this!? The Elements of Harmony weren’t anywhere near this strong a thousand years ago!”

Twilight gladly answered. “You’re not fighting the Elements from a thousand years ago! You’re fighting a power that’s grown far greater! I don’t care what Celestia says! I don’t care what kind of vessel is protecting you, or how powerful you are! YOU'RE NOT SURVIVING THIS TIME, MEPHISTO!"

The pillar of light bloomed into a large rainbow, that launched into the sky like a rocket, before swerving back down and homing in on Mephisto’s position.

“No, no, no, no, no, no, NO! STOP!”

Unable to escape, the rainbow of friendship consumed Mephisto’s darkness, as the various colours of light scattered throughout the meadow, washing the greenery in a spectrum of hues. The girls knew that Mephisto’s darkness couldn’t be erased so easily, so they pushed as much power out of the Elements as possible, to ensure he was completely erased from the world.

But, something felt wrong.

There were no final screams of terror, no last-ditch cries of resistance, Mephisto was silent. It felt as if their attack didn’t hit him at all and just as Twilight’s brain was rushing to piece together what could have possibly gone wrong, she heard the worse possible sound imaginable.

Laughter.

Horrible, mocking, ear-piercing laughter. A self indulging fit of wild cackling.

“GIRLS! STOP!” Twilight ordered immediately.

The light of the rainbow died down and the girls returned to normal, though slightly dazed.

“Mephisto!” Twilight cried. “How!? How did you-!?” She suddenly interrupted herself once she realised what Mephisto was hiding behind. “The Sacred Shield!?”

“That’s right!” Mephisto answered, filled with excitement. “I have to admit, Princess. You scared me half to death, for a minute there! Good thing I brought my insurance!”

“… a shield... that can deflect all magical attacks… including the Elements of Harmony…”

“Aren’t you a smart pony? But, don’t look so devastated. All that power you unleashed hasn’t gone to waste, just take a look!”

Mephisto directed her attention to the monoliths surrounding them. They had lost their imposing black sheen, instead glowing with the colours of the rainbow.

“Now, Princess. Care to explain to the class what these crystal monoliths do again?” Mephisto goaded, enjoying every minute of Twilight’s slow descent into despair.

“They… absorb magic… any magic…”

“And, care to take a guess as to what I’m going to use them for?”

“No…”

“Oh… well, you’re no fun anymore…”

Mephisto teleported to the monolith on top of the hill, directly in the center of the glade. Bolts of magical electricity pulsed throughout the clearing, jumping from one crystal to the next, converging in the center, feeding into Mephisto.

“With the power of these crystals, I can absorb the magic of the Elements of Harmony for my own personal use! No longer will I ever have to live in fear of the Magic of Friendship! I will control both the light and the dark! Positive and negative! I will be the sole determiner of what is considered good and evil.

Those who fight for love and friendship will fall! Those who dare oppose me out of hatred and vengeance shall perish! I shall exist as a being who surpasses morality! An unquestionable, indestructible, all-powerful god!”

The world grew bleak, as ominous violet clouds corrupted the sky, spreading rapidly across Equestria, seemingly devouring all light, as lightning crackled within their unstable vapour. The magic that had gathered into Mephisto’s vessel burst forth as he underwent his transformation, his ascension to godhood. His coat dyed a crimson, purple hue. Sharp, crystal wings. A wild, monstrous mane. An enlarged horn, all topped with a vicious smile. Mephisto had been waiting centuries for this moment, the day he finally became completely unstoppable. A perfect existence.

“You seriously gonna sit there and let him run his mouth off like that!?” Applejack yelled at Twilight, who merely slumped on the ground.

“There’s no point… the one weapon we had to defeat him… and he took it from us… what are we supposed to do now…?”

“Kick his butt, obviously!” Rainbow Dash added.

Rainbow Dash charged at Mephisto, full speed, hoping to send him flying like she did last time, but Mephisto treated her incoming assault as a total non-issue. Dash's hoof collided with his face like a speeding bullet, but Mephisto simply stood still and took the full brunt of her attack without so much as flinching.

"Uh oh." Dash whimpered.

"Indeed." He replied, as his horn lit up, unleashing a burst of magic.

When the light cleared, there was a loud thud. A stone statue of Rainbow Dash had crashed into the ground. She was completely frozen.

Infuriated, Applejack called out to the demon. "What!? Why don't you come down her and fight me like a real stallion!?"

Mephisto quickly appeared before her. No prior warning or burst of magic, he simply warped instantly and awaited a response.

Shaken for a moment, Applejack quickly retaliated with a buck to the head, but just like Rainbow Dash, it didn't do anything.

"What!? How!?" She cried.

"Idiot. A creature who fights for friendship can no longer harm me."

In another burst of violet light, Applejack was encased in stone.

“No! What did you do to them!?” Twilight called out.

Mephisto instantly appeared in Twilight’s face, as she leapt back in fright. “Don’t get so worked up, Princess. All I did was turn them to stone. Standard fare for those who fall victim to the Element's power. Although, I must admit, with the amount of magic flowing through my very being, holding back can be quite the challenge. You’re lucky I didn’t accidentally obliterate them.”

Twilight and her friends had their backs against the wall, literally, since Mephisto’s barrier had returned. He slowly inched towards them as there was nowhere left to run.

As a last-ditch effort, Twilight surrounded herself and her friends with her own barrier. All they could do now was buy time and pray for a miracle.

Mephisto came face-to-face with the barrier and simply pushed against it, effortlessly channeling large amounts of magic into his hoof, easily piercing through it, shattering Twilight’s last line of defense.

As the gap between them shrunk to a few inches, Twilight, unwilling to give up, her eyes burning with magic, threw out one final burst, directly into Mephisto’s face, burying him in a torrent of energy. Unfortunately, her wild explosion dissipated as quickly as it came and Mephisto hardly flinched, merely smirking at Twilight’s sad attempt at defending herself.

“Girls… I’m sorry…” Twilight pleaded. “I should have listened to the Princess... I had no idea things go this horribly wrong...”

“It’s okay, Twilight.” Fluttershy answered. “We still have Carl, he'll save us.”

“Yeah!” Pinkie added, directing her attention to Mephisto. “Carl’s gonna beat you up!”

Mephisto was baffled by their response and burst into laughter. “Carl? That Earth pony!? He could barely defend himself in Canterlot! What makes you think he can stop me now!?”

“We don’t know...” Rarity replied. “But, Carl was brought here for a reason: To slay monsters like you.”

“They’re right!” Twilight announced. “Princess Celestia summoned Carl for the sole purpose of defeating you and I’ll believe in her, until the very end!”

Mephisto scoffed at the idea. “Celestia is a senile old fool, who should have destroyed me when she had the chance. But, she failed and her reign of friendship will be coming to an end and a new era of hatred shall take her place!”

Mephisto’s horn lit up, he was prepared to finish them.

“Any last words?”

“My only regret, is that I won’t get to see the look of terror on your face when all your plans completely fall to pieces.”

“Well, you won’t be seeing anything, ever again.”

And, with his final remark, Mephisto flash-fossilised the remainder of the Elements of Harmony. As a sign of his victory, he arrogantly tossed the Sacred Shield aside, no longer needing it, now that he had become indestructible.

“Okay, Carl.” Trixie asked, as the two laid comfortably on Starlight’s bed. “Pick a card.”

Carl reluctantly lifted himself up to play along with Trixie’s game. “Fine… I’ll take the seven of hearts.”

“What? No! You’re not supposed to tell Trixie what the card is! Now I have to reshuffle the deck… again.”

“You need to be more specific with your instructions.”

“Whatever… now, pick a card.”

“The seven of hearts.”

Trixie screamed in frustration. “Starlight! Carl’s being stupid, again!”

However, Starlight didn’t reply, she was preoccupied, staring out the window.

“Starlight?” She asked again, hopping off the bed. “What are you gawking at?”

Trixie joined her distracted friend and soon found her attention stolen by a bizarre phenomenon. “Woah. Uh, Carl, I think you should see this.”

“It better not be another fucking card trick…”

Carl joined the mares at the window, as he bared witness to the strange sight. Dark, violet clouds covered the sky, crackling lightning as they rolled through the air. “What the fuck? Is this some kind of freaky-ass pony weather? Because, I’ve never seen anything like this in my world.”

“I don’t know…” Starlight stammered. “But, It’s giving me really bad vibes.”

Carl simply waved it off as a mere nuisance. “One of the pegasi probably fucked up again.”

Suddenly, the clouds rained lightning bolts on the ground below, as screams of terror from the Ponyville citizens thundered in the distance. “Oh my gosh!” Starlight cried. “Something is definitely wrong!”

“You don’t think it has anything to do with Twilight and the others, do you?” Trixie asked.

“I can’t tell for sure, but they haven’t returned yet…. Carl, I think you should go look for them.”

“What!?” He gasped. “No way, this ain’t my problem.”

“Carl, bolts of lightning are terrorising Ponyville. Somepony has to put a stop to this.”

“Yeah, someone with actual magic powers.”

“Purple lightning is Mephisto’s trademark. I’m pretty sure you can do something about this.”

“How many times do I have to say it? I’m not doing shit until Celestia arrives.”

Just then, a golden light radiated in Starlight’s room and in a burst of magic, Princess Celestia herself, appeared before them.

Trixie was star-struck. “Oh my Celestia, it’s Celestia!”

“Carl!” The Princess called. “Thank goodness I found you! I take it you’re aware of the dark clouds spreading across Equestria!”

“No idea what you’re talking about.”

“What? But, you’re looking right at them.”

“Damn… nothing gets past you, Princess…”

“This is no time for jokes, Carl. The time has finally come to confront Mephisto… where are Twilight and the others?”

“They went off somewhere with Unis and never came back.”

“And you didn’t go with them!?”

“Oh shit… was I supposed to?”

Celestia was visibly shaken, she could feel the stress weighing down on her, as flashes of potentially horrifying disasters rushed through her mind.

“Oh, no, no, no… I specifically told her to keep Carl by her side at all times...”

“So, are we fucked?”

Celestia took a deep breath and sighed, calming herself down. “No, we can still defeat Mephisto. I can only pray that his lust for power clouded his judgement and that Twilight and the others haven’t been permanently dealt with.”

“You know, if you didn’t want her running off on her own, you should have said something.”

“I did, but it seems something forced her into acting and Mephisto took advantage of it.”

“Welp, Mephisto won. Guess you’ve got no choice but to send me home and deal with him yourself.”

“Don’t be silly, Carl. Mephisto has finally obtained the power he so desires. A power that's made him an indestructible monster. Now is the perfect time to strike.”

“Ex-fucking-cuse me!? Have you lost your goddamn mind!? I’m not fighting that fucker now! He’ll murder me!”

“You’ll be fine, Carl. Trust me.”

“I'll be fine when I get the fuck out of here! You let that asshole become invincible on purpose and you’re surprised Twilight and the others got fucked!?”

“If you had gone with them, you could have defeated him already, before he had a chance to harm anypony, but it’s not too late. You can still stop him, Carl!”

“That’s the biggest load of horseshit I ever heard and I've been hanging out with Trixie the past hour! Fuck it, I’m not going!”

“Carl! You can’t quit now, not when we’re right at the end!”

Carl refused to answer, he was far too angry with Celestia. He was willing to fight, but intentionally letting the enemy become more powerful just seemed to make his mission needlessly difficult, bordering on impossible.

“Really, Carl?” Starlight criticised. “You’re just going to give up now? What happened to all that bravado when you were calling out Unis, earlier?”

“Hey, Unis wasn’t some ultra powerful demon with the power to level an entire city! I always punch above my weight class, but that guy is in an entirely different league! I'm not stupid, I know my limits!”

“Well, all Trixie hears are excuses.” Trixie goaded.

“Don’t you start.”

“I bet you’re just scared. Too scared to fight against something you’ve convinced yourself you can’t beat. Trixie sees right through your facade.”

“Facade!?”

“Magicians have a talent for spotting fakers. Takes one to know one, after all. Stop pretending and just admit that you’re scared, already, it's embarrassing.”

“Fine…” Carl conceded. “I know what that demon is capable of and… it scares me... There!? You happy now!?”

“Trixie is satisfied.” She answered with a pleased smile.

“You know, Carl.” Celestia spoke. “You’re not the only one who’s scared.”

“Don’t bother, Twilight gave me that speech already.”

“Well, she was my best student for a reason.”

“Look, I never wanted to fight in the first place. If you hadn’t forced me into this, I’d be checking the fuck out and be well on my way home by now.”

“Could you honestly say you'd abandon Twilight and her friends? After everything you’ve been through over the last few days?”

“What the hell do you know?”

“Enough to know that you care about them. You’re just too stubborn to admit it.”

“Now you’re just making shit up, you got no proof.”

“Then, why are you still wearing that scarf, or that rag around your leg? If you truly don’t care, then what’s the point in keeping up this charade? Just take them off already.”

Carl impulsively grabbed at his scarf, but despite his knee jerk contempt, he suddenly froze and for once, it wasn’t from a magic spell. He stared at the gift that was given to him. A sign of friendship and understanding. He looked at the rag, covering his wound. A gesture of pure kindness, that expected nothing in return. If the rest of Twilight’s friends had given him clothing to complete his dorky ensemble, he’d probably have trouble removing them too.

He sighed heavily. “Goddammit, I hate you people…”

“Well?” Celestia asked.

“Fine, I’ll go on your stupid suicide mission.”

“Thank you…. you can never make things easy, can you Carl?”

“You’re one to talk.”

“And thank you, Starlight and… um...”

“Trixie.”

“Yes. Starlight and Trixie. Carl’s lucky to have friends like you to keep him in check.”

The two blushed from receiving such high praise.

Celestia steeled herself for the battle ahead. “The time has come, Carl. Together, we shall head into the epicentre of chaos and under my guidance, you will fulfill your destiny and purge the great evil threatening this land, once and for all.”

“Yeah, cool. Can we just go already?”

Celestia and Carl headed outside and as they wandered through Ponyville, Carl remarked on how barren the town appeared. “This place is usually so busy, it’s kind of eerie. And what’s with all these black marks on the ground?”

A sudden lightning bolt struck the dirt, just inches from Carl’s face. “Oh! Shit! Okay! That answers that question!” Narrowly avoiding instant electrocution was the shock his body needed to get his adrenaline pumping. “Hey, Celestia! Do you even know where Mephisto is!?”

“That bright light and sense of overwhelming, oppressive power resonating from the Everfree Forest seems like a pretty good place to start looking.”

“Everfree Forest…?” A memory suddenly flashed in Carl’s mind. Swamp water, small cliffs, tall grass, giant black crystals. “Oh my god, I know where he is!”

Carl immediately made a dash for the Everfree Forest, assuming his hunch was correct.

“Carl! Where are you going!?” Celestia called.

“I know where that fucker’s hiding! Follow me!”

“But, I can just teleport us there!”

Carl stopped dead in his tracks.

“Oh.”

Celestia quickly gathered her magic and transported them as close to the eye of the storm as possible.

They appeared just outside the tall grass in the clearing by the cliff, the ground still disturbed from when Carl planted his face there only a couple of days ago.

“Do you feel that, Carl?” Celestia asked.

“You mean that sinking feeling in the pit of your stomach, when you’re about to walk into the meat grinder? Yeah, I feel it.”

“Good. So it’s not just me." Celestia sighed in relief. "Now that all the pieces are in place, we can only hope that they connect together and that we all come out of this encounter, unscathed.”

Just as the pair were about to set foot into the overgrowth, they were suddenly blindsided by a strong gust of wind. Celestia threw up a barrier as the razor sharp whirlwind tore through the field, shaving the meadow clean, clearing the path for them.

“I have a feeling he’s expecting us.” Carl bemused.

“Let’s not keep him waiting, then.”

Final Chapter: Our Chosen Hero

Something has gone wrong. We don't seem to have an archived copy of that chapter.

Part 1: Ponies Don't Normally Stand on Two Legs

Floating amidst the endless abyss is a tired soul, lost within the all encompassing darkness. As he drifts aimlessly through the void between worlds, the soul slowly begins to awaken from it’s slumber, confused and weary...

“Where am I…?”

“It’s so dark… I can’t see anything… or feel anything….”

“Is this sleep paralysis… or, am I dead…?”

“Did I die….? I don’t remember…”

"..."

“Oh, god… I died didn’t I….?”

“...”

“Shit…. so this is what death is like…?”

“Just floating around in nothingness for all eternity…”

“...”

“God, this is boring…”

“...”

“What’s that? It’s faint, but I can see a light in the distance. Well, at least one of my senses are still working.”

“It’s getting closer, but is it getting closer to me, or am I getting closer to it?”

“It’s getting bright."

"Real bright."

"Too bright!"

"OH SHIT!”

The soul crashed to the ground with a loud thump. Disorientated from the fall, his senses returned to him all at once.

“Goddammit! That hurt!” He cried, rubbing his head.

“I’m so sorry.” A concerned voice responded. “It seems I’m a little rusty when it comes to inter-dimensional travel spells.” She laughed.

“Inter-dimension-...the fuck you talking about?”

The lost soul’s irritation subsided for a moment, something wasn't quite right with what he was seeing. There, standing before him was a tall, white horse, with a large horn on its head and a bluish, purple mane, that seemed to flow in perpetual motion. He was dumbfounded by the creature, who he assumed, only existed in mere legend and fairy tales.

“What the hell…?” He mumbled to himself as he analysed the creature, scanning over every corner of his brain for information in order to make sure that what he was seeing wasn’t just some hallucination.

“I am truly sorry for startling you like this and for dropping you on your head.” The large horse continued. “But, our world will be in great danger soon, and I fear you may be our only chance at survival.”

The lost soul was hardly paying attention, the mere fact that this horse just spoke to him only distracted him with more questions, but not one to sweat the details he instead opted to simply ask: “Are you a unicorn, or something?”

“Oh, excuse me, I haven’t introduced myself yet. My name is Princess Celestia, I am the ruler of this land we call Equestria.” She expressed with a graceful bow.

“So, you are a unicorn?”

Celestia spread her massive wings.

“Well, alicorn technically, but what about you? What is your name?”

“Carl.”

Celestia looked on expectantly, hoping to garner more information, but soon realised this was all she was going to get.

“Is… is that it?”

“Yep.”

“Well, Carl. It’s a pleasure to meet you.” Celestia reached out her hoof for a hoofshake, but Carl didn’t even register it as a gesture, ignoring it completely.

“Neat… look, I don’t know what’s going on, but.. Wah!”

Carl attempted to stand upright, but quickly lost his balance, toppling over into a closet behind him as he was smothered by a myriad of clothing.

“What the hell happened to my legs!? It’s like my knees are locked, I can't get up!”

“I’m sorry, Carl, but ponies don’t normally walk on their hind legs.” Celestia chuckled to herself.

“What the hell are you talking about?”

“Perhaps this will clear things up.”

Celestia opened the closet door to reveal a mirror on the inside. As Carl peered into it, his mind slowly came to grips with the frightening reality of his situation.

“What the fuck…?” He had no hands or feet.

“What the fuck!?” He had brown fur and a dark brown mane, long and unkempt.

“WHAT THE FUCK!” He jolted onto his hooves, repeatedly looking back and forth between himself and his reflection. He tried to convince himself that this was all a mistake, a trick of the eyes, a bad dream or an illusion, but the mirror didn’t lie and he wasn’t waking up.

“What the fuck did you do to me!?” He leapt out of the closet, tearing off miscellaneous clothing as his anger returned in full force.

“Well, in order for you to better adapt to this world and not draw any unwanted attention, I may have… forcibly transformed you into a pony.”

“You did WHAT!?”

“There’s no need to threat, Carl. Equestria is populated by all kinds of wonderful ponies, I’m sure you’ll fit right in and make new friends in no time.” She answered with blind optimism.

“That’s not the problem, you idiot! I am not some god damn horse! I am a human! A man! I’m supposed to have hands not hooves! I’m supposed to walk on two legs not four! I-” Carl suddenly gasped in horror.

“WHAT DID YOU DO TO MY WANG!?”

“Your what?”

"You know what I'm talking about!" Carl lifted his hind leg and without hesitation, pointed directly at his crotch. “My wang! Where is it!?”

“Oh, my…” Celestia’s face lit up like a red light bulb. She couldn't remember the last time a pony was so… forward with her. Although she did feel as if she owed him an explanation.

Too embarrassed to speak of such things aloud, she leaned into Carl’s ear and whispered the explanation instead.

“Ew…” He replied. “Sorry I asked.... Look, could you just turn me back to normal, this is dumb.”

“I can’t.”

“What!? Why!?”

“Tearing open a gateway to another universe and bringing one of its inhabitants to Equestria is a rather difficult and trying task. Add on top of that the transformation spell and I’m afraid I’m all tapped out at the moment.”

“You… you can’t be serious. This is bullshit! You can’t just drag someone out of their universe against their will, transform them into some animal and then NOT BE ABLE TO FIX IT!”

“Indeed, it was wrong of me to force you into this predicament, but I only did it because I know you can save us...”

“Why didn’t you just ask?”

“I was certain you’d refuse.”

“Well… actually yeah, I would refuse, but that’s not the point!”

“Actually, the fact that you would refuse, is the very reason I chose you.”

“What…” Carl couldn’t even begin to imagine what that was supposed to mean, he was far too angry to think about it. “Oh, fuck you. I’m not playing your stupid mind games, just send me back home already.”

“I told you, I can’t.”

"But… but…” Carl took a moment to let out a frustrated and defeated scream. Their conversation was just going in circles at this point. “Fine, how long before your magic recharges, or however that works...”

“It could take a few days, or weeks, possibly months.”

“Oh, god, just kill me now…”

“Oh, don’t be so dramatic, Carl. I think, given enough time, you’ll find Equestria to be a very welcoming and wonderful place to stay. You'll have lots of friendly ponies to meet and fun activities to experience and before you even know it, you’ll be ready to go home in no time. Just think of it like a vacation.”

“Oh, boy, what a stellar vacation. Being a fuckin’ horse for a day... or a week... or a month…”

There was a moment of pause, during which Carl seemed to have calmed himself down, more or less. Now that he’d been given a minute to breathe, he suddenly realised how large and decorative the room he was in actually was.

A massive rug, soft cushioned chairs, a dresser covered in jewelry and a large bed, smothered with what looked like the softest quilts imaginable, fitting for a princess and yet, somehow, Carl still managed to land right on the hard, marble floor. The thought of his awful luck put him in a sour mood, again.

“Hey!” He called, as Celestia headed for the door. “Did you summon me in your bedroom? What the hell is going on, here? What are you planning?”

“You’ll find out in due time, but for now, would you care to join me for a walk? It’ll help you get used to your new body.”

“Fine…”

Carl followed Celestia into the hallway. The massive, foreboding hallway, decorated with large, stain glass windows and a velvety carpet. It was all far too lavish for his tastes. The two strolled down the hall, without saying a single word to each other.

Carl didn’t have time to talk as he was still figuring out how to walk properly in his new body, it felt strange at first, but he soon found his center of gravity and was walking like a pro in no time.

Upon reaching the end of the hallway and turning down the left most corridor, Celestia finally decided to speak up.

“So, how does your new body feel? You don’t seem to be having any trouble keeping up with me.”

“I’m getting used to it disturbingly quickly.”

“Well, that’s certainly an improvement over falling on your rear all the time.” She smiled.

Carl was still having trouble fully grasping the situation he was in. He didn’t know whether to laugh, cry, shout or do anything. He’d been tossed so far out of his comfort zone, his mind didn’t know what the appropriate reaction should be, so he barely reacted at all, instead opting to just soak it all in or lash out aggressively when angered.

“Ah, my dear sister Luna. Just finished your night shift, I see.”

Standing before Carl was another large pony. She wasn’t as tall as Celestia, but still towered over him. Her coat and mane were a much darker blue in stark contrast to Celestia’s white. It wasn’t just their appearances that contrasted each other however, as opposed to Celestia’s cheery demeanour, this pony looked downright miserable and exhausted.

She looked down at Carl with a grumpy glare.

“What the hell are you looking at?” Carl sneered.

Her gaze was drawn back to Celestia. “Sister, are you absolutely sure about this?”

“Of course. Have I been wrong before?”

“I am too tired to recall…”

“Don't worry yourself, Luna. You go rest those tired eyes and just leave everything to me.”

“You mean leave everything to him?”

She pointed her hoof at Carl, who questioned her with a flat: “What?”

“Oh, don’t listen to her, Carl.” Celestia urged. “She’s just a little crabby. Not much of a morning pony.”

Luna was too tired to continue their half-baked conversation and simply returned to her chambers.

“So, who the hell was that?” Carl asked.

“That was my sister, Princess Luna. She raises the Moon every night and watches over the citizens of Equestria through the dream realm. While I take over and raise the Sun in the morning.”

“You can raise the Sun, but you can’t send me home, huh?”

“I’m sorry, but raising a star, several times larger than the planet can be a little draining.”

“Gotcha…. you lazy bitch…” Carl muttered.

“What was that?”

“I said ‘I can’t get this itch’, you know, because of the hooves. They’re very awkward.”

“You’ll get used to them in time.”

For a brief moment, Carl felt the heat of the Sun in Celestia’s glare, he wasn’t entirely convinced she actually fell for that cheap ploy, but he was still in one piece and that’s all that mattered.

They continued down the hallway until they eventually bumped into another of Celestia’s acquaintances.

“Good morning my Princess. Another beautiful sunrise, as always.”

“Unis, just because I’m your boss doesn’t mean you have to shower me with praise. A simple ‘good morning’ is fine.”

“M-my apologies…”

The pony standing before them was a unicorn with a grey coat, and a long silver mane, dressed in golden armour. This was the first pony Carl had seen that was of similar build to himself, but this one had a horn. He wondered why he didn’t have one, but rather than asking about that, he instead blurted out: “Who’s the dork?”

“What was that?” Insulted, the grey pony turned his attention to Carl. Although he tried to act intimidating and stern, Carl saw right through him. He was clearly shaken, nervous and easily agitated, which was obvious from the way he acted around Celestia and from how he reacted to Carl, who just couldn’t resist taking advantage of said insecurity to poke fun at the guard for his own amusement.

“I said ‘Who’s the dork?’” He repeated with an arrogant smile.

“Mind your tongue when speaking to your superior.”

"My superior? Aw man, this guy means business, I'm shaking over here." Carl mocked. "But seriously, in what universe could a dork like you possibly be considered my superior?”

The very idea that Carl would ask such a question insulted the 'dork' further. “A simple question. I worked diligently to obtain my position, while you are just a commoner. That makes me your superior by default, therefore I demand your respect.”

“Woah… looks like someone’s getting a little upset, might want to back the fuck up there, buddy, respect is earned not demanded.”

“A Royal Guard must always assert his superiority over the common fools who dare challenge them. I suggest you don’t test my patience any further.”

“The only thing you’re my superior in, is being a massive sperglord.”

“I do not know what this ‘sperglord’ means, but it sounds like an insult.”

“Well, aren't you the fastest horse in the stable. Maybe you should channel some of that extra brain power into pulling that stick out of your ass.”

The grey pony was infuriated, he had never met someone so blatantly insulting. The ponies of Canterlot were refined and dignified, a far cry from the typical riffraff, but from seemingly nowhere and for seemingly no reason, he was suddenly being mocked by a mere commoner. A commoner that clearly held no respect for the Royal Guard.

The grey pony marched up to Carl, getting right in his face. Carl could barely contain his laughter, amazed by how hard this horse had bitten down on his obvious bait. It was as if banter were a foreign concept to him.

“How dare you dishonour the Captain of the Royal Guard with such insolent behaviour. Another word and I will personally escort you to the deepest, darkest dungeon of this castle.”

Carl couldn’t help himself, he honestly tried to control himself, but he couldn’t take the strain, if he held back any longer, his lungs would surely burst and so, he let out a hearty laugh. “Oh, shit… forget the stick, this guy’s got the entire fucking tree up there. Was this a part of your training or has your asshole always been that flexible?”

“Disgraceful! I am arresting you this instant!”

Blinded by rage, the Guard raised his hoof to Carl, which he took as a threat, hopping out of his range.

“You wanna fight, bro?” Carl taunted. “I hope you're better at taking punches than you are with mean words!”

Before the two of them could square off, Celestia finally intervened, levitating Carl above her and away from his opponent.

“Woah, what the fuck…”

“That’s enough, Carl.” She ordered.

“Princess.” The grey pony addressed. “Who is that insolent child?”

“My apologies, Unis. Carl is rather confrontational at the moment, but he is an honoured guest here in Canterlot, so please refrain from throwing him in any dungeons.”

“How, in the name of the Sun, did such a vulgar colt, earn such high status?”

“Earn is a strong word, but please, if he misbehaves at all, just leave him to me, okay?”

“As you wish, Princess.”

As the grey pony left, he took one final glance at Carl, who embraced his childishness and stuck his tongue out. He couldn’t even remember why he started drilling into the guard in the first place, but at this point, he simply enjoyed toying with him.

The grey pony leered, before taking his leave down the unending hallway.

“What a fuckin’ try hard.” Carl surmised.

Celestia returned Carl to the ground and explained. “That was Unis Guardna. He is the Captain of the Royal Guard of Canterlot, although he is still rather new and inexperienced.”

“And has no sense of humour, apparently.”

“Well… he’s just very proud. Becoming Captain of the Royal Guard is no easy task.”

“Whatever, I’m sure we won’t be seeing each other again, anytime soon.”

The two ponies finally came to the end of the longest hallway, all that was left was to traverse down the stairs. Naturally, Celestia strolled down with ease, as if she’d done it before. She was about to speak, but was distracted by an amusing sight.

She looked back to find Carl near the top of the staircase, meticulously placing one hoof in front of the other, taking as much time as he needed to pass each step without tripping over himself while desperately trying to keep his balance.

“Are you alright, Carl?” She laughed.

“Shut up! Walking in a straight line is one thing, but stairs feel super weird on all fours.” Carl looked ahead of him, but noticing just how many stairs were left made him feel a little ill. “I think I’m getting vertigo...”

“Would you like some help?”

“No! No, no… I got this! Just, give a minute… or ten…”

With Celestia watching, Carl took extra care not to make a fool of himself and soon started working his body into a rhythm. After a couple of minutes of nervous baby steps, he soon started walking at a moderate pace until he eventually made it down the stairs and without a single misstep.

Carl breathed a sigh of relief. “Damn, that was way harder than it should have been…”

“Well, now that you’ve conquered the stairs, it’s time I showed you something, Carl.”

“It’s not more stairs, is it?”

“Of course not.”

Celestia shined her magic on the stain glass windows in front of them. They were much more elaborate than the ones from the hallways, with the light reflecting off of them being nothing short of dazzling.

“You dragged me all the way here to show me your art collection?” Carl questioned, shielding his eyes from the bright light.

“Carl, there’s more to these windows than their artistic merits, each one tells a story. A classical tale of heroism, where no matter how great the evil or how hopeless the battle, so long as you have the courage to believe, the Magic of Friendship will always help you prevail.”

“Gay...”

Celestia chose to ignore that comment. “Tell me, Carl. What do you see in this window?”

“What? Uh….” Carl wasn’t sure what he was supposed to be looking for, so he merely stated the obvious. “I see… Six little horses and… one big horse… and a moon, or something… I don’t know….”

“This window represents the battle between the six Elements of Harmony and their struggle against the villainous Nightmare Moon.

One thousand years ago, Nightmare Moon attempted to usurp me of my throne and throw the world into eternal night and so, I banished her to the Moon. When she woke a thousand years later, the new wielders of the Elements of Harmony used their powers to defeat her, returning her to her original form. Now she rules along side me once again, as Princess Luna.”

“Riveting... and I should care about this, because?”

“I just thought you’d be interested in our kingdom’s history, aren’t you the least bit shocked that I’m over a thousand years old?”

“No, you seem about that age.”

Celestia laughed nervously. “I suppose I walked right into that one… any who, on to the next one.”

“Oh, god, there’s more?”

“Of course, knowledge of Equestrian history will be invaluable to you during your stay. Now, Carl, what do you see in this window?”

“Uh… Oh, it’s those same horses from before… and… are they fighting a fucking chicken snake? It’s a little early to be delivering the punchline, now, Celestia.” Carl chuckled.

“That creature is no joke. This window depicts the battle with the God of Chaos, Discord.

A thousand years ago, he reigned over Equestria before the Elements of Harmony turned him to stone. When he returned, he attempted to plunge Equestria into chaos once again, but was defeated, again, by the Elements of Harmony.

These days he much prefers to spend his time lounging around taking naps with the occasional tea party.”

“Geez... Hope you don't plan on neutering me that badly.”

“This next window is a little different. It depicts the battle with King Sombra, who returned after being sealed away for a thousand years.”

“I’m sensing a pattern here…”

“He attempted to reclaim control over the Crystal Empire, but his plans were thwarted by the Elements and the Crystal Heart, destroying him.”

“Destroying him…? Wait… you killed him!? Like, he’s dead!? Shit... you ponies don’t fuck around…”

“Well, when you say it like that it does sound a little extreme, but dark magic always finds a way to revive itself, we can’t make any assumptions, I’m sure he’s still out there, somewhere...”

“Well, if he ain’t here now, then who gives a shit?”

“You certainly have an… interesting outlook on life.”

“I just don’t like wasting time on trivial shit.”

“Well, then you’ll be pleased to know that this next window is the last one I wish to show you.”

“Thank god.”

“This one depicts the battle between the Elements of Harmony and Lord Tirek.

He appeared a thousand years ago, to steal the magic of Equestria for himself, but was banished to Tartarus. When he escaped, he nearly succeeded in his plan to steal all the magic in Equestria, but the Elements of Harmony stripped him of his powers and returned him to Tartarus.

I know this is a lot to take in at once, but do you have any thoughts or questions about what you've just learned, Carl?”

To Celestia’s shock Carl actually seemed to be thinking, even mumbling to himself. “...a thousand years, again…?”

“Carl?”

“What? Oh… nah, not really. All sounds like some gay legend you pulled out your ass to teach the kiddies. I doubt any of this shit really happened.”

“Actually, Carl, it did happen, not too long ago. In fact, for your next task, I’d like to introduce you to the current wielders of the Elements of Harmony.”

“Next task? Excuse me, but I don’t recall ever agreeing to working with you. In fact I don’t recall being given any kind of choice in this at all.”

“Indeed, but I obviously didn’t summon you here just to lecture you. Carl, this world needs your help. A great evil is regaining its power, they could even be watching us this very instant, but even so, with your help, I know we can defeat them.”

“Oh yeah?” Carl thought aloud. “And what’s stopping me from ditching you entirely, walking right out that door and never coming back?”

“Well, nothing, of course, but I can't even imagine how difficult it would be out there for you, all by yourself. Completely unaware of the rules and customs of this land. You certainly wouldn’t be getting home anytime soon.”

“Are you blackmailing me?”

Celestia laughed as she ruffled Carl’s mane with her hoof. “Oh, Carl, you need to lighten up a little. Now, let’s hurry along, we have a carriage outside waiting to take us to Ponyville.”

As Celestia headed for the doors, Carl was at a loss for words. No matter how hard he tried he just couldn’t get a read on this woman. He couldn’t tell if she was some kind of mastermind or just plain crazy, or possibly both.

“Hey!” He called. “You didn’t answer my question! Hey!”

Of course, Carl never received an answer.

Author's Note

Time to dip my toes into the wonderful world of creating OC's for my next story. Carl is a miserable, full-mouthed son of a bitch and I can't wait to introduce him to Twilight and all her friends. I'm sure they'll all get along just fine with no major upsets whatsoever.

No cover art because I'm too embarrassed to ask some artist to draw art of my shitty OC for some fanfiction. Not that I'm against the idea, but I just can't bring myself to do it.

Part 5: Why Do You Smell like a Backed Up Toilet?

“God…” Carl groaned. “Why does this Shutterfly have to live so far away?”

“It’s not that far, Carl.” Twilight answered. “It’s just a little outside town.”

“'Oh, it’s just outside town, oh, it’s just on the other side of town'. All I’ve done the past few hours is walk all over this god forsaken town!”

After encountering a strange purple smoke at Sugarcube Corner, that set fire to Pinkie’s oven, Twilight concluded that the evil force Princess Celestia had been alluding to was finally on the move. With that in mind, she ordered Pinkie to gather their friends and meet them and Fluttershy’s Cottage.

Once they arrived, Twilight politely knocked on the door to see if Fluttershy was home. They waited a moment, but they didn't hear so much as a peep from inside. Twilight called out to her, but there was still no response, just dead silence.

“Darn…” Twilight sighed. “I guess she’s still working in her sanctuary.”

Carl stepped up and brazenly banged on the door. “Hey, Fluttershy! Get your ass out here!”

“Will you stop that!? If she were in, she wouldn’t answer to someone slamming on her door like a mad ape!”

"Hey! We humans evolved for apes, go take your prejudice elsewhere!"

"Oh, please. As if you care about prejudice."

“Well, she’s obviously not here. I say we go home.” Carl attempted to walk away, but was quickly dragged back by Twilight’s magic.

The two suddenly caught sight of a shadow flying overhead. It was the same rainbow pony Carl had met earlier.

“What’s up, Twilight?” She greeted. “Still hanging around Carl, I see.”

“Unfortunately…” Twilight was glad be with an actual friend, again. “Are the others coming?”

“I saw them earlier, they should be here any minute. Oh, and Carl. Thanks for your help with the Lightning Ball, you were a real life saver, back there.”

Carl chuckled. “Well, at least someone around here is thankful.”

Twilight didn’t even have to look at Carl, she could feel the arrogance radiating from him.

It wasn’t long before Pinkie Pie arrived with the last of Twilight’s friends. Two ponies accompanied her. An orange pony with a cowgirl hat and a white pony with a lavish purple mane.

The five ponies gathered around each other to exchange greetings and to discuss Twilight’s plans for why they needed to be brought together so urgently.

“Okay…” Applejack rubbed her head, as she tried to make sense of the situation. “So, you’re telling me, some evil force is threatening Equestria... and so, the Princess summoned some guy from another world to help fight it... but you don’t understand why or how?”

“Yep.” Twilight responded.

“And this pony doesn't have any special powers what so ever?”

“Yep.”

“So, it’s the usual then?” Rarity clarified.

“Carl, is anything but ‘usual’.”

The two were a little concerned by Twilight’s attitude. She looked bitter and stressed. They looked over to Carl who was just patiently sitting on the ground, just outside Fluttershy’s house, away from the rest of the group. He didn’t even make an effort to introduce himself, so Rarity and Applejack took it upon themselves to begin the introductions instead.

“Well, howdy there. The name’s Applejack.”

Carl gave no response.

Rarity cleared her throat. “My name is Rarity. Pleased to meet you.” Being polite, she reached out for a hoofshake, but Carl still didn’t understand what the gesture meant and ignored it.

“Not very talkative, are ya?” Applejack laughed uncomfortably. “That’s alright, my brother’s the same.”

“Why are sitting in the dirt, darling? You’ll get all filthy.”

“My feet hurt.” Carl answered.

“Feet? You mean hooves. Your hooves hurt.” Rarity corrected.

Carl sighed. “Fine. My hooves hurt…”

“Uh, did something happen to your hooves?” Applejack asked.

“Yeah!” Carl pointed directly in front of him. “That bitch, over there!”

Naturally, Carl singled out Twilight. Applejack and Rarity stifled a laugh, almost impressed by Carl’s boldness. Twilight, however, was not pleased with being insulted right in front of her friends.

“Oh, your poor hooves hurt do they?” Twilight retorted, cynically. “In that case, we’re heading into the Everfree Forest, right now!”

“What!? But I don’t want to get up! I just got comfy!”

“Applejack, could you kick him for me?”

“To get him up?”

“Yeah, that too.”

“Come on, partner.” Applejack poked at Carl until he was irritated enough to spring onto his hooves.

“Alright! I’m up!”

“Oh my…” Rarity was taken aback by Carl’s appearance, now that she was able to get a proper look at him standing. “You’re rather big aren’t you?”

“Excuse me?” Carl asked, misinterpreting her praise.

“Eh, he’s not as big as my brother.” Applejack added.

“What!? Did I miss something!?”

“Oh, definitely. Big Mac towers over most stallions.”

“Wow, okay. I don't need this...”

Carl bailed on their conversation as fast as he could and caught up with the others, ahead. The less he heard about how ‘big’ this, Big Mac was, the better.

“What was that all about?” Applejack wondered.

“Perhaps he’s just self-conscious about his size.” Rarity answered.

“But, that’s silly. He’s plenty big for anypony.”

“Indeed, he's rather tall, too.”

The ponies stopped just outside the entrance to the Everfree Forest as Twilight prepared to address them. Although she was mostly doing this for Carl's sake.

“Listen up everypony! That includes you, Carl!”

“I’m all ears, Twinkle Shine.”

“As you may or may not know, the Everfree Forest can be a very dangerous place, filled with deadly creatures and plant life. As such, I want to make sure that we all understand how important it is that we all stick together. No wandering on your own, no splitting up the group. We go in, get Fluttershy and we leave. No distractions. Understood?”

“Yeah!” Her friends answered.

“Understood, Carl?”

“Alright, but if I get poisoned, or eaten, or contract some kind of horse aids, I’m putting the blame on you.”

“So long as you follow my orders, you'll only have yourself to blame if you get hurt.”

The group marched into the forest, sticking close together, making sure they didn’t get lost, especially Carl, who was huddled into the middle. They were surrounded by trees, and foliage, covered in moss, as well as other assortments of weeds and vines. It felt more like a jungle than a forest.

They tried to stay on a clear path as all the nasty creatures and plants resided in the deeper parts of the forest. There was still a lot about the Everfree they didn’t know about, but Carl’s sarcastic assumptions over poisoning and being eaten weren’t too far off the mark. The jury was still out on the horse aids.

“Oh, god…” Carl winced. “What the hell is that smell?” There was a foul, musky, odour flowing from the Everfree.

The girls had grown used to the stench, having visited the forest multiple times, but Carl couldn’t stand it. He tried to pinch his nostrils shut, but lacking fingers, he couldn’t do it with one hoof. He tried with two, but he soon lost balance and toppled onto his back.

Pinkie looked over the fallen Carl. “What are you doing, ya goof?”

“This place smells like shit.”

“Well, duh. We’re passing by the swamp.”

“How are you not convulsing from the smell?”

“I cover my face with my mane, like this.” Pinkie pulled her mane around to her face, like a scarf. “See? It smells like frosting, wanna whiff?”

“Will you get your hair out of my face?” Carl pushed himself up and away from Pinkie. “Nearly suffocated me with that thing.”

“Okay…” Feeling dejected, Pinkie tried to steer the conversation somewhere else. “Oh, Carl. Look at the sky!”

“Why?”

“Look! The clouds are moving on their own.”

“Isn’t that what they’re supposed to do?”

“No, in the Everfree Forest, the clouds and the plants, they move and grow all on their own. That's a thing that happens in you world, right? I bet it reminds you of home... right?”

“I don’t really care.”

“Oh, right. I guess that would be kinda silly of me to point out…” Pinkie slipped to the back of the group, before Carl got mad.

Rainbow Dash suddenly took her place. “You know, she was only trying to cheer you up.”

“No one asked her to.”

“I know. That’s kinda the point.”

“Well, could you tell her to stop?”

“I don’t think Pinkie Pie knows how to stop.”

“Guess, next time, I'll have to make her stop.”

“Hey!” Rainbow Dash looked Carl right in the eye. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Carl took the hint, he never intended to lay a hoof on Pinkie, but now he really needed to watch himself. All Pinkie managed to accomplish now, was make Carl feel even more awkward than he already was. The ponies behind him were even comforting her.

Long term relationship issues weren’t really a concern of his, but the idea of being stuck in the middle of a dangerous forest with people he wasn’t sure he could trust, irked Carl, almost as much as the nauseating smell. He kept his wits about him and waited for an opportunity to ditch the group and return to Ponyville.

His prayers were answered when a Manticore suddenly leapt out in front of Twilight and the others with a bellowing roar. This was Carl’s chance.

“Agh! A monster!” He screamed, before leaping through the trees. Of course, Carl never even considered what might have been on the other side of the foliage. He took a leap of faith and dove straight into a shallow, filth ridden pond.

Carl was swallowed by the polluted muck and after a brief pause, emerged from the rancid swamp water as he childishly flailed in a blind panic ”AHH! FUCK! SHIT! FUCKING.... SHIT!“

Once he was finished screaming in terror, he soon realised how shallow the water actually was and passively paddled to the edge of the pond, grumbling in agony, shaken by his mundane, near-death, experience.

“Uuuuuuugh…” He cried. “It went in my mouth…...!” Coughing and spitting as he climbed onto shore, tears welling in his eyes. “It tastes like horse poo… I think I swallowed some of it…”

Twilight just shook her head in shame, having heard Carl’s embarrassing cries, echoing from the forest. “I’m sorry, Henry.” She apologised to the Manticore. “He’s with us. We’re here to see Fluttershy.”

The Manticore pulled out his reading glasses and reviewed his notepad. It contained a checklist with pictures of ponies that Fluttershy trusted, to prevent anyone dangerous from entering the sanctuary. All of Twilight and her friends were on the list, although Pinkie was labelled with a caution mark.

The Manticore granted them access, but first they needed to retrieve Carl before he shamed himself any further. However, Carl was not about to abandon his plan, nearly drowning in swamp water was, but a minor setback. Against his better judgement, he ran into the woods, hoping to lose them.

Carl kept running straight forward, jumping over rocks and weaving around trees, he was sure if he just kept going, he’d make it out, lose Twilight and her friends, and find an exit to the forest. In his haste, however, Carl arrived at a small cliff-side. By the time he realised he was at a dead end, his momentum had already carried him too far.

Rooting his hooves firmly in the ground as a last ditch effort to stop himself, Carl skidded over the edge and down the cliff-side. His hooves burned, as they scraped through the earth and slid towards the ground, while loose branches growing out the side of the cliff repeatedly whipped him in the face, eventually culminating in him reaching the bottom of the cliff, losing his balance and falling flat on his face.

Carl slowly lifted his head from the dirt. “Well, that hurt like hell…”

He picked himself up to find he was in a meadow with incredibly tall grass, that towered over him. He felt as if he had somehow stumbled into a completely different jungle. With nowhere else for him to go, but forward, he forced his way through the grass, praying for a way out on the other side.

After weaving his way through, for a few minutes, he finally escaped from the maze of grass and finally found some open space to breathe.

“What the hell?” Carl took a glance around and had somehow accidentally stumbled upon an extraordinary sight. A rocky hill in the center of a circular area, made of hard stone, just sitting there, hidden away in this empty field of grass. However, Carl's real concern was with the five large boulders that encircled the area.

Giant black monoliths, the very same ones detailed in Starlight’s book, surrounded him, with a sixth one perched on top of the hill.

“Hey, I recognise these things…” Carl thought aloud. “But, I thought they were supposed to be difficult to find. Have they really been sitting here this whole time!? Have they always been here? Did nobody even fucking bother to check, or were they too scared?”

Carl couldn’t believe these ancient artefacts were just lying around in the middle of a meadow with no traps or guardians to protect them, but then again, they weren’t magical weapons created for a specific purpose, like most people would expect, they were just big rocks.

He climbed to the top of the hill, hoping to get a good view over the tall grass and to search for an exit to the forest, but his entire viewpoint was filled with nothing but grass, with trees encompassing the horizon. He traveled a lot further than he thought he did, but he still had a ways to go if he wanted to leave.

“I’m starting to think this wasn’t a very good idea…” Carl sighed and sat down for a moment. He felt like he’d done nothing but walk since arriving in Equestria, but now he had some peace and quiet, giving him time to think to himself and rest his legs. All he could hear was the gentle breeze rustling through the tall grass.

This peace was soon shattered by the thunderous sound of crackling electricity that burst behind Carl. He quickly jumped on his hooves to find the source of the noise. Just above him was a cloaked pony, covered in purple sparks of magic, their face hidden by their hood.

“Damn... I should have known someone would show up to ruin my peace and quiet.” The pony slowly descended to the ground. Even without magic, Carl could feel the intensity of their unstable power, as if they were ready to blow at any moment.

Despite the cloaked pony’s daunting presence, Carl stood his ground, he was far too stubborn to let a few sparks intimidate him. The pony moved towards Carl, but he refused to budge an inch, instead the two simply stared at one another, without uttering a single word.

“You’re the one… aren’t you…?” The pony spoke softly.

“Am I?” Carl retorted, attempting to bait out information.

“Yes… Celestia’s chosen…”

“I think you have me confused with someone else.”

The cloaked pony stepped back for a moment, shocked by what they were hearing, but it wasn't out of fear or doubt, but from pure amusement. They tried to contain themselves, but slowly, they began to laugh. Building from a small snicker and gradually growing into strident howling.

The mysterious pony gave Carl a run for his money when it came to loud, obnoxious laughter, but something felt different. There was something sinister and disturbing about this particular laugh.

“Oh my…” The pony apologised, immediately dropping their soft spoken demeanour in favour of something more brisk and confident. “You’re far more entertaining in person, a class act.”

“Did I say something funny?”

“Oh come on, Carl! Someone? It’s somepony, you dolt! Honestly, have you learned nothing from your stay in Equestria? And here I seriously thought you were just pretending to be stupid.”

“Alright, smart guy. So, just who the hell are you?”

“Me? Who am I? Oh, dear… I don’t think you’ll be very interested to hear the answer. After all, I know how much you detest being lectured. Some other time, perhaps?”

“You’re the reason I’m here, aren’t you?”

“Well, aren't you a clever clogs, care to elaborate?”

“Calling me Celestia’s chosen? That’s an obvious giveaway, considering Twilight and her friends are the only ones who know about that. Also, I recognise that purple lightning, from the Lightning Ball incident!”

“Oh, darn! You caught me! Please, don’t throw the book at me! Not that you’d be able to read it, of course.”

“You gave up rather quickly. Whatever, the sooner I kick your ass, the sooner I can go home.”

“Oh, please, no. I can't fight, anything but that! My power hasn’t fully stabilised yet. I’m not sure I’ll be able to defend myself!”

"Tough shit."

Carl could tell underneath all the sarcastic pleas for mercy was something deadly sinister, but he was far too impatient to wait for them to make the first move. He needed to act now, they wouldn’t be able to enact any of their plans if he knocked them out first.

He charged at the cloaked pony and pounded away with his front hooves. Crackles of electricity fizzled with each punch, but it felt like he was hitting against some kind of invisible barrier. Carl threw one more punch to try and force his way through, but it wasn’t enough. “I figured you’d have some bullshit up your sleeve.”

The cloaked pony laughed as they exerted a burst of energy from their body, blowing Carl away. Carl, skidded across the ground as the pony’s horn lit up underneath their hood with more crackled lightning.

Carl became surrounded by a purple, electrified aura. “Dammit, I'm stuck!” He yelled, struggling as hard as he could. “What is with you unicorns and freezing me with magic!? It’s starting to piss me off!”

“What’s that? You don’t like being frozen in one place? Here, let me help you with that.” The cloaked pony slowly lifted Carl high into the air. After reaching about thirty meters, the pony forced him back down, slamming him into the ground.

However, they felt as if they wouldn't be able to get their message across if they only did it once, so the pony smacked Carl around a few more times for good measure, laughing as they jerked him around like a puppet.

“This is hysterical!” The cloaked pony laughed. “This is the warrior Celestia wasted all her time and effort summoning!? How pathetic! Other than that foul mouth, there’s nothing special about you at all! You’re just another worthless Earth pony! Oh, it saddens me to see that Celestia has finally succumb to her old age, how tragic...”

“Will you shut the hell up!” Carl was left a crumpled, beaten mess, but he wasn’t down for the count just yet. He forced himself up, despite his injuries and faced his opponent. “If I have to listen to that laugh of yours one more time, I promise I’ll beat the shit out of you!”

“Interesting… you can still stand. Then again, Earth ponies are notoriously resilient, so I guess you have that going for you at least. Perhaps, Celestia required your services as a meat shield.”

All Carl could muster was his usual glare. His entire body ached and he didn’t have the energy to throw his weight around, he was helpless. At this point, the only thing keeping Carl standing was his own stubbornness.

“What’s wrong? Getting tired?” The cloaked pony taunted. “Here, let me give you a lift…” Carl was levitated into the air, once again, this time it was purely for the cloaked pony’s own sadistic enjoyment as he pulled at Carl’s strings.

The pony’s childish antics were nothing short of insulting. “What the fuck are you doing!? Do I look like some kind of toy to you!?”

“I hope not. I don't think you'd sell very well.”

“You piece of shit… look if you’re going to kill me, can you just do it already?”

“Kill you?” The pony burst into laughter, once again. “Why would I do that!? Watching you drive the Princess of Friendship crazy is far too entertaining for me to end it all now. Besides, it’s not like you’re much of a threat to me. Keeping you around will help lull Celestia into a false sense of security, make her think she's got the upper hand, unaware that she's already dug her own grave. I can’t wait to see the look on her face when all her schemes completely fall apart around her.”

He dropped Carl back to the ground and strolled over to him for a chat. One last talk as he helped him back onto his feet. “Now, Carl. Be a good boy and just keep doing what you’re doing, okay? Either that or keel over and die, either-or works for me.”

As the cloaked pony was about to leave, Carl called back to him. “Hey, I got a question.”

The pony turned around, expecting Carl to shout more obscenities, but was instead blindsided by a sudden hoof implanted into his face. Carl threw the last of his strength into one final punch. A special parting gift to remember him by, that sent the pony toppling over and rolling across the ground.

“Not so tough now, are you? Shithead!” Carl was real proud of that comeback.

“Y-you hurt me?” The cloaked pony sloppily got up and they weren’t laughing any more. “SOME PONY SCUM ACTUALLY HURT ME!?”

“Um… shit… welp, I'm content with dying here.”

The cloaked pony exploded with magical energy as enraged lightning bolts fired in all directions. Carl was sure he was as good as dead, but the pony’s energy quickly calmed down, as they began showing signs of discomfort.

“This cursed vessel!” They yelled. “It’s rejecting me!? Now, of all times!?”

“Uh… did I win?”

“I don’t know how you hurt me, but I swear, when we meet again, I’ll erase you!”

The pony lost control of their power, whatever was happening, Carl wanted to make sure he gave his new friend a proper send off, before leaving. “Hey, Cloaky!”

“What!?”

“Fuck you!”

A purple mist burst forth from the cloaked pony, and disappeared into the clouds above. Carl still wasn’t exactly sure who or what he just fought, but somehow, he barely managed to survive his first encounter with Celestia’s enemy.

The cloaked pony fell to the ground and Carl dragged his sore body over to check who or what was underneath the cloak. He lifted the hood to find a blue pony, with a pale cerulean mane.

He gasped. “Wait… I don’t know who this is.” Carl immediately dropped the pony and attempted to leave, but the shock from the fall woke them up.

She sprung up, paranoid and jittery, with no clue as to where she was. “Get out of Trixie’s head, you creep!” She quickly realised she was back in control of her own body again and that whatever was possessing her was long gone.

The pony quickly caught sight of Carl and caught up to him, she had questions that needed answering. “Hey! Who are you!? Where am I… and why do you smell like a backed up toilet?”

Carl turned around to reveal his beaten body.

“Wow.” The pony gasped. “What happened to you?”

“I had a rough day.” He answered, as his breathing became heavier.

“You had a rough day? Try being possessed by some weird smoke monster.”

“I’m sorry… who are you…?”

“Me? Well, since you asked.” The pony leapt back and shot magical fireworks into the sky as she proclaimed. “I am the Great and Powerful Trixie!”

“For fuck’s sake…” Carl didn’t have the energy to do anything but mutter under his breath. “Look, could you not do that? My head hurts…”

Trixie pouted. “Some ponies just don’t appreciate my spectacular showmanship. Just who are you, anyway? Trixie doesn’t recognise you at all.”

“Carl...”

“Huh, not a particularly exciting name.”

“I’m not a particularly exciting guy…”

“Well, Carl. Do you know where we are? Not that I don’t or anything, I... just want to hear it from you.”

“The Everfree Forest.”

“Wait, really? Trixie’s never seen this part of the forest before, are you sure?”

“Yes….”

“Well, no problem, then. I know just the spell that will help.” Trixie’s horn lit up as a string of blue magic extended before her, slithering it’s way through the grass and towards the horizon. “This trail of magic should be able to guide us back to the entrance.”

“Cool…” Carl suddenly collapsed to the ground.

“Oh, geez. Are you okay?”

“Do I look okay?”

“I don’t know, you look pretty good bowing before my greatness.”

Carl simply leered at her.

“Oh, I’m just kidding. I’ll help you up.”

The bottom of Carl’s body was lit up by a blue aura as he was lifted gently into the air.

“Wow, you’re heavy. I’m not used to using levitation spells on other ponies, but you should be able to swim through the air without having to exert yourself too much.”

“I thought you said you were ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’.”

“T-Trixie is just having an off day, that’s all.”

“Whatever… I guess this’ll do…”

The ponies headed through the grass and into the forest, following the magic trail the whole way. Trixie tried to ask Carl about who he was and how he ended up in the Everfree, but he refused to talk, claiming he was too tired, which was partially true. Trixie’s spell was at least helping him recover from his fatigue.

After exiting the forest, Trixie guided Carl to Fluttershy’s Cottage.

“Wait, why are you taking me, here?” He asked.

“Because Trixie has places to be. I’m sure Fluttershy will help treat your wounds, she’s good at that stuff.”

“They’re not that bad…”

“Yeah, well, I'm not taking the blame if you were to suddenly croak.”

“How thoughtful…”

Trixie knocked on the door and it was soon opened by a pale yellow pegasus with a pink mane. She immediately slammed the door shut upon viewing Trixie. “Please don’t hurt me!” She cried.

“What? Fluttershy it’s Trixie!”

The door opened slightly as Fluttershy peeked through the crack. “Oh, it is Trixie.” She awkwardly re-opened the door. “I’m sorry about that, I didn’t recognise you in that black cloak.”

“What’s with that cloak anyway?” Carl asked.

“Huh, why am I wearing this? Oh, that’s right, I was experimenting with new costumes for my show.”

“Do you plan on keeping it?” Fluttershy asked.

“Maybe… it certainly looks spooky, doesn’t it?”

“D-definitely.” Fluttershy wasn’t really a fan of spooky cloaks, she instead turned her attention to the weird pony accompanying her. “Oh and who’s- Oh my gosh!”

“What?” Carl was perplexed by her sudden gasp.

“What in Equestria happened to you? You’re a mess and... you smell like swamp water?”

“Oh, some shit happened, don’t worry about it.”

“Oh, no, no, no. We must get you inside immediately. Those wounds need to be treated.”

Fluttershy flew up and pushed Carl inside the house.

“Are you coming, Trixie?”

“Neigh, for Trixie has repaid her debt for helping her regain her senses. Besides, I can’t stand the swamp smell. I’ll let you take care of him.”

Trixie left as Fluttershy forced Carl into her home. It felt much cosier than Twilight’s giant, empty castle, like an old cottage from a fairy tale. Carl was carefully placed back on solid ground as Fluttershy quickly retrieved her first aid kit.

Without even asking, she got to work on treating Carl’s wounds. First checking his body for any cuts, bruises or broken bones. It was at this moment that Carl realised that he was completely naked. It felt so natural that he never even questioned it before, but having Fluttershy examine every inch of his body made him feel uncomfortable.

“Uh, you don’t have to do this, you know?” Carl mentioned.

“What? Of course I do. I can’t have somepony show up to my house like this and not help them.”

“I’m pretty sure a hospital can handle it.”

“Maybe, but I know a lot more about the Everfree Forest than most doctors.”

“Why does that matter?”

“Are you kidding!? Do you know what kind of horrible diseases and infections you can get in there? I need to make sure you don’t get sick or worse, start turning into a tree!”

“I guess that’s better than horse aids…”

Fluttershy finished her examination, her relieved smile seemed to indicate there was nothing to worry about. “You seem pretty bruised, but there’s nothing serious. I’ll just disinfect the cut on your front leg, wrap it up and you’ll be as good as new in no time.”

“A cut?” Carl looked down at his left leg, it was bleeding out. For some reason, it shocked him, it didn't feel real. This world seemed so colourful, cheerful and childish, like nothing bad could ever happen, but there, sliced across his leg was a reminder of his own mortality, that even in a world populated by cute ponies where friendship is magic, the threat of death was still very real.

“Are you okay? You’ve been staring at your wound for a while.” Fluttershy asked.

It felt rather silly in hindsight, getting worked up by a simple cut, but Carl decided that maybe he should try to be a little less reckless in the future. “It’s nothing…”

“If you say so. What’s your name, anyway?”

“Carl.”

“Oh, you must be the pony Twilight was talking about.”

“Twilight? Oh, yeah, I ditched her….. wait… she ditched me!?”

“She told me all about you, although she seemed kind of irritated, then she went home to her castle.”

“What a bitch!”

“Well, she did say you were, um, ‘difficult’… anyway, let’s clean that cut now.”

Fluttershy poured what looked like rubbing alcohol onto a cloth and reached down.

“Now this might sting a little…”

The second the cloth made contact with his cut, Carl screamed. “FUCK!”

“That’s okay, this won’t take long…”

It stung like crazy, but somehow Fluttershy kept her cool despite Carl’s loud shrieking and dainty hopping.

“There we go…” After cleaning the wound, she wrapped it in bandages. “See, that wasn’t so bad. Now, keep those on for a few days, and that cut will heal in no time.”

She gave Carl a warm smile, which confused him. He wasn’t used to people being genuinely nice to him. “Um, thanks… Guess I’ll go, now…”

“Wait!” She called.

“Yeah?”

“You should stay a little longer and... maybe take a shower?”

“W-what? Why?” He asked, as his face started burning up.

“To clean yourself up, of course. Or do you like smelling like a swamp?” She giggled.

“Huh?” Carl gave his pits a good whiff. “Oh, shit… I really do smell like a backed up toilet...”

Author's Note

Didn't upload anything last week, because Christmas.

Next time: Showers and bowling.

Part 6: I've Got a Princess to Harass

Carl stood outside Fluttershy’s bathroom with a towel over his back and a brush in his mouth. He took a deep breath as he mentally prepared himself for his most difficult challenge yet: Showering.

“Showering as a pony can't possibly be any more difficult than it is as a human, right?” He thought to himself.

Carl entered the bathroom, locking the door behind him. He felt strangely relieved, like he was finally able to relax after the stressfully bizarre day he’d had.

He looked over the bathroom, searching for the shower. He was expecting to find a large, sliding glass door with a shower head inside, but the only thing he saw that stuck out to him was a large, wooden barrel with a pipe leaning over it.

Bewildered, Carl looked all over the room multiple times, refusing to believe pony bathrooms were this primitive. Perhaps he missed it? He checked every inch of the room, but found nothing.

“Great…” He sighed. “A bucket and a pipe. You certainly don’t live in the lap of luxury, do you, Fluttershy?"

Carl climbed into the barrel where he encountered his first obstacle. “How do I turn that valve?” A rusty valve sat atop the pipe. Carl reached for it, but it was just out of his grasp. “It can never be fucking easy, can it…?”

Carl had to crawl back out of the barrel and check around the side of the pipe. He couldn’t check from behind as it was backed up against the wall. He needed to find a way to grab the valve with both hooves and somehow twist it, but that proved difficult as the space between the barrel and the wall was far too narrow for Carl’s body.

No matter how he saw it, given the tight space, it was impossible for anybody his size to reach that valve.

“How the hell does she use this thing?” Carl complained, until he remembered Fluttershy’s most obvious features. “Oh, right. Her wings…”

He went to the back of the room and opened the cabinet. The top was full of towels and cleaning cloths, but at the bottom was a handy step ladder. “Finally, something that makes sense, around here.”

Carl placed the step ladder in front of the pipe and climbed on top. Now, he was fully capable of conquering the valve. He grabbed hold with both hooves and twisted as hard as he could, but it didn’t budge, denying him access to any water. “Oh... come on! Give... me... the water... you son of a bitch!”

He struggled for a few minutes, but feared if he pushed himself too much he may snap the valve clean off, so he quit.

“How does Fluttershy do this!?” Carl tried again, this time turning the valve in the opposite direction. He threw all his strength into forcing the valve to turn and to his surprise, it worked. It worked so well, in fact, that all that extra, unnecessary energy he used threw him off balance, flinging him back into the barrel as the water from the pipe burst forth, pouring all over his face.

Carl sarcastically chuckled to himself. “I...I was turning it the wrong way… cute…”

Fluttershy suddenly knocked on the door, calling after Carl. “Are you okay? I heard a loud thump!”

“I’m fin- ah! Fuck!” He screamed.

“Carl?”

“Why is the water so fucking cold!?”

“Oh, just give it a minute, it’ll heat up.”

There was a pause as the sound of running water filled the silence. After a few seconds Carl mildly exclaimed. “Oh… there it is….”

Carl stood underneath the pipe as the water rinsed through his fur and mane. He could already feel the swamp stench and filth washing off of him. It was the first time he had felt refreshed since arriving in Ponyville.

However, the next phase of the battle was upon him. He reached down for his brush, but realised, once again, the hardship of picking up and holding items without fingers. Carl grabbed the brush between both hooves and stood on his hind legs, leaning back against the barrel to balance himself.

Scrubbing the muck off of his stomach was relatively easy, but now came the true test of skill. He pulled his front legs behind himself and attempted to scrub his back.

“Oh… come on!” It felt extremely awkward, he couldn’t angle the brush properly or hold it in a satisfying, tight grip, instead it just slipped around in his hooves. “God… come on… you piece of… stop moving… FUCK!” The brush slipped out of his hooves and onto the floor. “You son a-!”

“Carl, are you sure you’re okay in there?” Fluttershy called again.

“I-I’m fine… go away…”

“Really? You sound like you’re having a lot of trouble.”

“Fuck off. I’m fine.”

“Do you want me to come in and help wash you?”

“Are you fucked, woman!? I’m naked in here!”

“But, we’re always naked.”

“Oh….. w-well, you still can’t come in.”

“I’m just offering to help.”

“I don’t need your help. I can figure this shit out on my own.”

“Carl, I can hear you dropping the brush as we speak. I think you should let me in.”

“N-no way! I don’t care if we’re naked all the time. You’re not washing me, you weirdo. I can handle this myself.”

A bang suddenly struck from inside the bathroom. “Oh my gosh! Are you okay!? Did you hurt yourself!?”

Fluttershy heard a mild, agonising groan. “I-I slipped on my butt…”

“Carl, please just let me in, before you hurt yourself again.”

There was a sound of wet shuffling, followed by hoofsteps as the door was unlocked and slowly creaked open. Carl just stood there with a tired, unamused expression, as the water from the pipe began spilling over the barrel and onto the floor, which was already covered in swamp filth.

Despite the chaos that ravaged her bathroom, Fluttershy couldn’t help but laugh. “Geez, Carl. You’re a mess.”

“Yeah, yeah, laugh it up. Let’s just get this over with.” He kicked the brush over to Fluttershy as he sat, wallowing in his own filth.

Naturally, Fluttershy had no problems picking up the brush, she turned off the water valve and helped Carl back into the tub. He sat forward as Fluttershy began scrubbing his back, washing away the swamp grime from his fur. She started scrubbing harder as the grime became more stubborn.

“Ow! What the hell!?” Carl cried.

“Sorry, just being thorough.”

After his body was cleared of all remnants of swamp sludge, there was just one last thing to do. “Do you want me to help wash your mane, too?”

Carl looked over at the bottle of shampoo sitting on the side. Images of all the horrible ways washing his mane could potentially blow up in his face, flashed through his mind. The chemicals spraying in his face, crushing the bottle as the liquid squirted all over the floor, accidental ingestion. Carl wanted none of it and so, reluctantly agreed to Fluttershy's proposal.

“Yeah… Go for it…”

Fluttershy applied the shampoo and began massaging it into his mane, scrubbing extra hard, to make sure she got all the filth out.

She noticed Carl had suddenly gone very quiet. “Is everything alright? I’m not hurting you again, am I?”

“It’s fine…”

“You know, I heard from Twilight that you were pretty loud and mean… and rude and selfish and arrogant and-”

“Are you going somewhere with this?”

“Well, it’s just, you’re not acting like that at all. Is something bothering you?”

Carl, sighed. “This is dumb…”

“Excuse me?”

“This stupid body. I can’t even wash myself without needing someone to babysit me, like some retarded child...”

“It’s not your fault. You just need more experience in your new body, that’s all.”

“And how do I get that?”

“Slowly, over time.”

“Goddammit…”

Fluttershy directed Carl over to the pipe as she rinsed his mane with the water, washing away the last of the grime. “There, all done.”

After helping him dry off, Carl was feeling good as new. “Finally, now I can get the hell out of here.”

“Really, already?”

“Yep. See ya.”

“But, do you even know where you’re going?”

“Back to town?”

“Why?”

“Obviously, to go bitch at Princess Purple. One minutes she’s all ‘The Princess told me to stick with you no matter what’, and the next thing I know, she fucking ditches me like an asshole!”

Fluttershy sensed there may be more animosity between Carl and her friend than she expected. “Um, maybe I should go with you, just in case.”

“Why are you so adamant about helping me? Haven't you meddled enough?”

Fluttershy wasn't too happy about having her honest efforts to help described as mere meddling. She had no other choice, but to get assertive. “Listen, Carl. It doesn’t take a genius to figure out that you are obviously lost and confused in this world. Can you honestly say that you don't need anypony's help? Do you even know how to get back to town?”

“Well, yeah… you just go past…. the thing… over that hill… where there’s… something…”

“Carl, there’s no shame in asking somepony for help, especially when you clearly have no idea what you’re doing. Please, stop being so stubborn and let me help you.”

As a last ditch effort, Fluttershy brought out the big guns and flashed Carl the stare. Her eyes were large and powerful, like black holes of sweetness, drawing in the hearts of anyone who saw them, with no hope of escape. Carl tried to resist them, but even he couldn’t fight off their charm. After everything Fluttershy had done for him, he almost felt like he owed her this.

“Alright, alright! Just stop giving me that look!”

“See, was that so hard?”

“That felt like a fucking battle.”

Fluttershy flew on ahead as she fluttered down the stairs. She turned to find Carl, who was more stammering than fluttering.

“Uh, you okay, there?”

“Sh-shut up. I got this.” Carl slowly put one hoof after another down each step as he tried to remember his rhythm from before. Carefully, he walked down the stairs, focusing intensely, until he finally made it to the bottom step.

“Ha!” He yelled. “You see that shit!? Only took me a minute that time!”

“See? I told you, you’d get used to it over time.”

With Fluttershy’s guidance, Carl returned to Ponyville. As they wandered through town, they were greeted by a myriad of ponies, or rather, Fluttershy was.

Carl just watched silently as she waved to her fellow townspeople. Like it was something out of a disgustingly sweet sitcom.

“Aren’t the ponies here just lovely, Carl?” She asked.

“Bleargh…” Carl gagged.

“Bleargh?”

“Yeah.”

“Is that an expression from your world?”

“What? You can’t be fuckin-”

Carl was interrupted by Fluttershy’s giggling as he realised, he was just played.

“Goddammit…”

“I learned from the best.”

“Well, your best is an asshole.”

“Heya, guys!” From seemingly nowhere, Carl was suddenly blindsided by a familiar pink blur.

“Oh, fuck me. Not you, again…” Carl could already feel the headache starting to swell in the back of his head like a tumor.

“Heya, Carl. It’s me, Pinkie. Do ya remember me?”

Carl simply groaned, as if he had stomach pains.

“Hello, Pinkie.” Fluttershy waved.

“Fluttershy, I see you and Carl are getting along. You two got any plans together?”

“Oh, my, no. I’m just his escort.”

Carl nearly choked on his own laughter. Of course, Fluttershy remained oblivious.

“So, where are you escorting him?”

“We’re going to see Twilight.”

Pinkie’s expression changed for a second, she almost looked anxious. “Oh… h-hey, that’s neat, I guess.”

“The hell are you all antsy about?” Carl questioned.

“But, I think it’d be way better if we did something super fun together! You, know, to strengthen our friendship.”

Fluttershy was intrigued. “Oh, what did you have in mind?”

Pinkie grabbed hold of their arms and lead them across town to show them the ‘super fun’ activity she had planned.

“Bowling!” She declared.

Carl was perplexed by her suggestion. “You dragged us halfway across town for this?”

“You bet I did. I mean, who doesn’t enjoy a fun game of bowling!?”

“Me.”

“I think it’s a wonderful idea. It’ll help you unwind a bit.” Fluttershy replied. “Or are you scared I’ll beat you?”

“I know you’re just baiting me, but I owe you for earlier, so… fine.”

Pinkie jumped for joy. This was finally her chance to carve a smile on Carl's concrete face.

They entered the bowling alley and booked a lane. As they took their seats and prepared the scores, Carl was distracted by the building’s decor.

“Jesus Christ… what is with you horses and sticking hearts on fucking everything?”

Pinkie leapt towards Carl, eager to answer. “Because, Friendship is Magic!”

“Is that really it?”

“Yeah, what were you expecting?”

“Something more logical.”

“But, friendship literally is magic.”

“What does that 'literally' even mean?”

“It means what it says.”

“And that means?”

“What it says.”

“....... just take your turn, Pinkie.”

“Gotcha!”

Pinkie went ahead as Carl took a seat on the bench. Although, he didn’t sit like a normal pony would, instead he choose to sit upright with his arms and legs spread open as if he were still bipedal.

“That’s an odd way to sit.” Fluttershy noticed.

“That’s just how we do it in the human world.”

“Oh, I don’t really know much about the human world.”

“WOOHOO!” Pinkie suddenly cheered. “Check that out!”

The two looked over at Pinkie’s lane, Carl was unimpressed. “That’s a split, Pinkie.”

“I know, right? What’re the odds?”

“Just… finish your turn.”

“I already did!”

Carl checked the pins immediately. They were knocked down, still spinning from the impact.

“Wha-? When!?”

“I took it during that brief pause in your ellipses a few lines ago.”

“Sure, okay..." He sighed, mentally exhausted. "I guess it’s my turn…”

Ignoring Pinkie’s mad rambling, Carl walked over to the bowling balls and tried to figure out how he was even supposed to use them with hooves. Upon further inspection, he noticed a curious detail. “Hey, I hate to sound like a broken record, but what the fuck is this?”

“That’s a bowling ball!” Pinkie answered.

“No, pinhead! Why are there finger holes? You’re horses! You don’t have fingers! What possible purpose could these things serve!?”

Just then, there was a loud bang as streamers and confetti burst out of the balls finger holes. Carl freaked out from shock, dropping the ball as it crashed into the floor. “Holy shit… my heart!”

“Aww, was my surprise really that touching?”

“That nearly killed me! What combination of drugs and or sugar are you on, woman!?”

“It was just a funny goof, Carl.”

“Funny!? You rigged my ball with explosives! That’s not funny, that’s arson!”

“They were just streamers…”

“How did you know I was going to pick this ball anyway? Are all these balls rigged with explosives!?”

As if on command, every ball on the rack suddenly fired streamers from every orifice, raining down strings of colourful paper and confetti on Carl’s head.

“Maybe…”

“Are you actually retarded!?”

“Retarded? Is that, like, a tart, or something?”

“Just… go sit down....”

Pinkie quietly returned to her seat as Carl prepared to take his turn. Picking up the bowling balls wasn’t as difficult as he imagined, they actually fit quite snugly between his hooves.

He analysed the lane and his own strength to try and create a strategy for the best way to get a strike, but then realised that it was just a stupid game of bowling and that he should probably play like a normal person instead.

And so, he did what any normal person would do, threw the ball and prayed. His plan seemed to work out for him, until the ball took a sudden right turn and veered straight into the gutter.

“Fuck!”

Ashamed and embarrassed, Carl awaited the ball’s return. “That first shot was just practise.” He told himself. “This is where the real game begins.”

He decided on a gentler approach and instead, pushed the ball down the lane. It wasn’t as quick, but at least the ball remained steady, until it slowly veered over to the right and slumped into the gutter.

“Shit!”

Defeated, Carl moped back to his seat, where Pinkie attempted to cheer him up. “Well, you get an A for effort.”

“Shut up.”

Next was Fluttershy’s turn. Not being the strongest pony ever, she picked the lightest ball she could find, although she poked at it a few times first, to make sure it wasn’t rigged with streamers.

She placed it on the floor, taking great care to correctly lineup her shot. She then turned around and softly tapped the ball as it slowly crawled down the lane.

Carl snickered to himself. Fluttershy’s bowling skills were even worse than his, she may not get a gutter ball, but at this rate, he’d be amazed if she hit anything at all.

As the ball casually strolled towards the pins, Carl eagerly anticipated the inevitable non-collision. Once it reached its destination, the ball lightly poked the front pin. The pin vibrated and toppled over. Carl was about to bust a gut, but the fallen pin slowly spun in place, knocking into the pins behind it, causing a ripple effect that eventually knocked down the whole pack.

“Oh, what the fuck!?”

As Carl sat there, baffled, Fluttershy let out a modest: “Yay.”

Carl wasn’t going to just ignore this abnormality. He leaned forward, ready to analyse Fluttershy’s next shot. Understanding how her slow, strike shot worked was his top priority. She used the same set-up, the lightest ball and a gentle kick to set the ball in motion.

Carl paid close attention as he awaited the moment of impact.

“Hey, Carl! Can you believe she got a strike!?” Pinkie butted in.

Carl’s heart skipped a beat, he was so focused he forgot Pinkie was sitting right next to him. “Will you shut the hell up? I’m trying to focus here.”

“Oops, sorry….. But it’s still pretty impressive, right? I wonder how she did it.”

“Pinkie, what part of ‘shut the hell up’ do you not-” Carl’s rant was interrupted by the sound of collapsing pins. He turned to the lane, awestruck.

“Oh my… I got another strike. Woohoo.”

“WHAT!?” He was speechless. Now, more than ever, he needed to know. Was Fluttershy’s technique genuine or just dumb luck?

“Um, getting two strikes means I get a third shot, right?” Fluttershy asked out of courtesy for her friends.

“Yeah!” Pinkie cheered. “You go knock those pins into next week, Fluttershy!”

She grabbed her bowling ball and readied her stance a third time. “Um, Carl. What are you doing?”

Carl was bending down beside her, closely watching how Fluttershy lined up her shot. “Don’t mind me, just pretend I’m not here.”

“Um, not to be rude, but it's kind of hard to pretend when your face is right in my ball..."

“What? Oh, right, but I’ll be watching.” Carl backed away as Fluttershy unleashed her third shot. It rolled just as slowly as before, but then, gradually started veering off towards the right and landed in the gutter.

“What the fuck was that!?” Carl cried.

“I’m sorry, I just got so nervous with you watching that I messed up.”

“But it looked exactly the same as your last shot! How am I supposed to copy that!?”

“Uh, maybe you should come up with your own technique.”

“Do I look like the kind of guy who can learn that shit on his own?”

"Of course you do."

"Uhh... goddammit..."

Carl and Fluttershy returned to the bench as Pinkie Pie prepared for her turn. She grabbed hold of her ball, focused long and hard and threw it down the lane with reckless abandon.

It bounced, it crashed and it smashed through the pins like a meteor, scoring her a decisive strike. “Oh yeah! Go Pinkie! Hey guys, did you see that!?”

They didn’t, Carl was too busy trying to convince Fluttershy to spill the beans on her bowling technique. She refused, of course, as she wanted Carl to learn on his own, but their conversation had left Pinkie all alone on the lane.

Her attempts at making Carl smile had fallen flat and now she was being completely ignored. A feeling of failure and sadness fell over her, she even lost the energy to continue playing and just dropped the ball right into the gutter and took her seat.

“Your turn.” Pinkie informed.

“Alright, make way bitches. I’ve got a strat to figure out.” Carl marched over to the lane.

“I can’t tell if he’s having fun or taking this way too seriously.” Fluttershy pondered.

“I’m sure it’s the latter.” Pinkie responded.

Carl examined the balls, searching for the one Fluttershy used.

“Step 1: Use the lightest ball.
Step 2: Line up the trajectory of the shot just right.”

He took great care in lining up the ball perfectly with the front pin.

“Step 3: A gentle- wait a minute.”

From observing his current set-up, Carl almost missed a glaring error. The only reason Fluttershy even used the lightest ball was because she wasn’t all that strong to begin with. This lead Carl to rethink his strategy.

“Of course, she used the lightest ball because it’s the only one she could use.” He thought to himself. “In that case, I’ll just have to use a ball that’s more comparable to my own strength.” Carl swapped the light ball out for a heavier option.

He tapped the ball, but it hardly budged. He tapped it harder, but it still refused to move. “Come on, you stupid mother-!” In a burst of impatient rage, he bucked the ball as hard as he could, causing it to careen across the lane and smash through the wall above the pins.

“Oh, shit…” Despite the damage he caused, the pins stood firm, much to his annoyance.

As security caught wind of his shenanigans, Carl continued his turn anyway, determined to give his strategy one more shot. He quickly lined up a new ball and bucked it again, but all he accomplished was widening the hole he had already created with his previous attempt.

“Excuse me, sir.” Two rather large ponies, in black suits approached Carl. “I’m afraid we’re going to have to ask you to vacate the premises.”

“Oh yeah?” He taunted. “And what are you gonna-” Carl was immediately tossed out of the bowling alley and slapped with a year long ban for damages and talking back to security.

“Bowling’s for nerds, anyway!” Carl yelled, even though the security ponies had already left.

Pinkie and Fluttershy shortly joined him, exiting the building without any fuss or drama.

“So, I take it were finished with bowling today?” Fluttershy asked.

“I guess so.” Pinkie answered. “But, that’s okay, there’s still plenty of other things we can do in Ponyville, together.”

Carl could already feel the migraine drilling into his brain as he realised Pinkie wasn’t leaving. “I’m sure there is, Pinkie… but I don’t care. You and Flutters can go have fun together, but as for me, I’ve got a princess to harass.”

“Oh, no, no, no.” Pinkie rushed over to Carl. “You can’t leave yet.”

“Oh, god. Please, go away.”

“But, we haven’t even… uh, checked out the Ponyville theatre. I’m sure they’ve got a great show lined up for this evening.”

“I’m not interested, get lost.”

“Besides, don’t we need to book tickets before the show starts?” Fluttershy added.

Pinkie thought for a second. “Well, that just means we need to get our rears in gear and get over there, pronto!”

“I’m pretty sure we need to book them at least one day in advance.”

“Oh, well, we’ll just sneak in then.”

“Isn’t that illegal?”

“Only if we get caught!”

“Pinkie, are you feeling okay? You’re acting really strange, even for you.”

“Oh, I’m just super excited to show Carl a fun time, gotta put a smile on that face somehow, right?”

“You might want to hurry up, then. He's already leaving.”

“What!?” Pinkie caught sight of Carl in the distance as he was headed for Twilight’s castle. She frantically dashed to catch up to him, running directly in front of him.

“Hey, Carl. Long time no see.”

“It’s been thirty seconds.”

“My, how time flies…”

“Move, retard.” Carl nudged Pinkie aside as she slid across the ground and continued on his way.

Remaining persistent, Pinkie caught up, again. “Hey, how about we go back to Sugarcube Corner and I’ll bake you a cake… for real this time. No exploding ovens.”

“No, thanks. I’d rather guilt Twiggles into making something for me, instead.”

“Guilt? Can’t you just ask her like a normal pony?”

“I’m not a normal pony. Besides, I’m not letting her off the hook that easily, you gotta make her squirm, first.”

“Hey, instead of squirming, how about we do something more relaxing?”

“I really don- woah!” Before Carl knew it, Pinkie had dragged him across town to the spar, with Fluttershy being left to fly after them.

“Wha-? How did-?” Carl couldn’t believe the amount of distance they managed to travel in that short burst of speed.

“I bet an hour in the spa will make all that stress of yours just melt away.”

“Do you really think I'm the sort of person who'll enjoy a spa?”

“Uh… maybe?”

The spar was a bust, Pinkie desperately tried to think of something else to distract Carl with. She grabbed his arm and dragged him across town to another Ponyville attraction, as Fluttershy frantically tried to keep up.

“Goddammit, now where are we?”

“Welcome to Sweet Apple Acres. I bet we’ll find all kinds of fun things to do here.”

A strong whiff of vintage farm essence, drifted into Carl’s nose. “Oh, Christ, it smells like shit… is this a farm?”

“Heck, yeah! You wanna go bucking for apples?”

“Not if they smell like this!”

“Maybe I shouldn’t have brought you here the day they were spraying the fields…. Oh, I know what we can do!”

Pinkie, once again, dragged Carl across town, to another place of interest.

“Will you stop with the high-speed, kidnapping, already!?” Carl protested.

“Look, Carl. It’s the Ponyville clock tower. Isn’t it neat?”

“Oh, wow. A clock, I’m fucking speechless.”

“Really? But, you’re speaking right now.”

Carl was about to blow a fuse. He just wanted to return to the castle, but for some reason, Pinkie was doing everything in her power to prevent him from getting anywhere near it.

Realising she was losing his interest again, Pinkie tried to take him to another location, but Carl swiftly smacked her arm away. “Enough, with the grabbing! What the fuck is your deal!? All you’ve done today is drag me all over town to show me shit nobody cares about!”

“I-I just…”

“You just what? You gonna give me some crap about friendship? Or wanting to make me smile? Why can’t you just take ‘no’ for an answer!? Why do you have to act like a fucking, hyper-active child!? Why can’t you just leave me ALONE!?”

“But…”

“But, nothing! I am tired, I am hungry and the last thing I need right now is some fuckhead yammering in my ear all day, like a fucking jackhammer pounding directly into my fucking skull!”

“T-there’s a restaurant we can…”

“FUCK!

OFF!

PINKIE!”

Carl had to yell right in Pinkie’s face, hoping he could finally get his message across.

“CARL!” A voice called from just a few metres away.

“Oh, what perfect fucking timing.”

Twilight Sparkle suddenly appeared before them, appalled by what she was witnessing. She immediately rushed to Pinkie’s aid. “Oh, Pinkie. I’m so sorry about this...”

“It’s okay… I’ll just go home now...” Pinkie slowly sulked away, as if she had been sapped dry of all her usual bombastic energy.

“What possible reason could you have had to yell at Pinkie Pie like that!?”

“Because she’s fucking annoying! Seriously, how many times do I have to say ‘no’ around here, before someone takes the fucking hint!?”

“She was only trying to help!”

“Help with what!? Just because you say that doesn’t mean she was doing anything helpful in the slightest! I mean, what the hell was her obsession with dragging me all around town!?”

“I asked her to!”

“Oh, well good fucking call on that one, genius!”

“I asked her to keep you away from the castle and instead, show you around town in the hopes that you would mellow out, but I guess even Pinkie Pie couldn't create that miracle!”

“Don’t try to pin the blame on me just because your dumb idea backfired on you!”

“Don’t you dare imply that this is my fault! I have been nothing but patient with you all day, but all I got out of it was grief. All you’ve done is shout, complain and show complete disrespect for everything we stand for, treating everypony you meet like dirt! You don’t care about us, you don’t care about Equestria and I don’t think you even care about yourself! You’re just a lost cause, Carl!”

“You can talk shit all you want, but you’re own Princess was the one who brought me here. As long as I’m her trump card, in whatever the fuck she’s planning, I can’t leave. You’re stuck with me whether we like it or not, so quit your bitching, already!”

“Not anymore…"

"What!?"

"I don’t care how important you supposedly are, I’ve had it with you. For the horrible treatment of pretty much everypony around you. You, Carl, are no longer welcome at my castle!”

“You can't be serious.”

“You heard me! I don’t care what the Princess says, as the Princess of Friendship, I hereby decree that you, Carl, are not allowed anywhere near my castle! Go find somepony else who’ll deal with your obnoxious, spiteful, hateful attitude!”

And with that final statement, Twilight ended their heated debate and flew away.

“Good!” Carl yelled. “I’m finally free from your bullshit!”

He turned to leave, but stopped in his tracks as he came face-to-face with Fluttershy. Carl had completely forgotten that she had been following him around Ponyville and much like Twilight, she was not happy.

“Oh, for god’s sake. Now, what?”

Fluttershy remained resolute, but also, a little upset.

“Why did you do all that?” She asked.

“Because, I’m pissed and stinking mad.”

“But, did you have to be so mean?”

“Of course I did.”

“Look, Carl, I’m not going to pretend I fully understand who you are, or why you do the things you do. I don’t know if it’s a human thing, or a 'you' thing, but I DO NOT appreciate you treating my friends like that! Do you understand me!?”

Carl was taken aback. Fluttershy wasn’t just acting tough, she wasn’t hesitant or shaken at all. She was dead serious, it was almost scary.

However, this assertiveness didn’t last long. She took in a deep breath to calm herself down, keeping her head held low, to hide how truly disappointed she was.

“Dammit…” Carl muttered. “I’m out of here.”

“But, where will you go?”

“Just, go help you friend, Fluttershy.”

“But… you’re my friend, too.”

“Leave! Before I get pissed off, again!”

“Okay... please, stay safe.”

As Fluttershy flew away, Carl was left alone, as the Sun was setting and dark storm clouds rolled in with the sound of thunder rumbling in the distance. He headed off. Where to? He had no idea...

“Fucking ponies…”

Author's Note

Drama.

Next time: Dress Horse

Part 9: You're Pretty Cocky For a Guy Who Doesn't Even have His Own Body

Now that Carl and Pinkie Pie had reconciled their differences, the group set off for Twilight's castle, in the hopes that she would show the same level of understanding and kindness the rest of her friends had shown Carl, or at the very least, tolerate him a little more.

With Pinkie’s friends by his side and his new, fluffy pink scarf blowing in the wind, Carl was fully prepared to confront Twilight, but before he could, there was still one more obstacle standing in his way.

Atop the golden staircase, standing guard outside the castle’s entrance was an all too familiar face.

“God damn it.” Carl groaned. “It’s that fucker, Unis.”

Despite his irritation, Carl and the others marched towards the bottom of the steps, eventually catching the attention of the Captain's all seeing eye.

With Carl leading the herd, he and Unis naturally locked sights onto each other, with Unis showing great displeasure in their reunion, triggering a cocky grin from Carl.

“So, you’ve come crawling back?” Unis reviled.

“Crawling?” Carl smirked. “Is that how you pictured this going down? Were you expecting me to get on my knees and beg for forgiveness? Sorry, but I'm not that spineless.”

“You’re just lucky the Princess didn’t issue a restraining order on you, commoner.”

“Good thing, too. How am I supposed to save her ass from evil, if I’m forbidden from going anywhere near it?”

“'Save her from evil'? I find it highly unlikely that you have the power to save anypony.”

“I’ve got a better track record than you, Captain. What were you doing during the Lightning Ball incident? Oh, yeah, cowering behind a tree.”

“I was not cowering!” Unis leapt off the steps, landing directly in front of Carl, in defiance of his claims. “I kept that ball contained using all the power I had! We would have been vaporised immediately if I hadn't! How dare you imply incompetence on my part!”

“Woah, calm down, buddy. I never said you were incompetent… I said you were a coward.”

“It’s almost as if you want to get arrested.”

“Want to? I think the better question is: Can you? Can you arrest me?”

“That overconfidence won’t be of any help, once you’re locked away, rotting in a dungeon cell.”

“Yeah, I’ll bet Celestia will be real pleased when she finds out that her trump card was imprisoned.”

“Mark my words: Push me any further and no jurisdiction in Equestria will prevent me from putting you in your place, commoner!”

“Oh yeah, well you’re a big, fat-”

“Ahem!” Rarity interrupted. “Pardon me, boys. I would hate to put an end to your verbal fencing, but we have more pressing matters at hoof, right Carl?”

Carl was so wrapped up in arguing with Unis he almost completely forgot why he even came to the castle in the first place. “Oh yeah….” He took a deep breath and bellowed out: “Hey, Toilet Sprinkler! Get your ass out here!”

“And, what business could you possibly have with Princess Twilight?” Unis questioned.

“More than I have with you, so move, nerd.” Carl shoved Unis aside without a second thought, completely throwing him off guard.

With his pride wounded, Unis would have retaliated, but to his surprise, the massive doors to the castle creaked open, as Twilight appeared before them. Her mere presence forced Unis to back down.

“Carl, what are you doing here?” She asked, descending the staircase.

“How the hell you been, Twiggles? See the storm last night? That rain came down harder than your fat hooves down those stairs.”

“I see you haven’t changed.”

“Damn straight, I haven’t.”

“In that case, I’ll give you about three seconds to vacate the premises.”

“What!?" Carl yelled, angered. "Bitch, make me!”

Twilight immediately levitated Carl off his hooves and was about to toss him aside when Pinkie suddenly leapt towards her. “Twilight, wait!”

“Pinkie!?" Twilight's callous attitude quickly subsided upon seeing her friend. "What are you doing here!? Are you okay!?”

“Carl, what are you doing!? How could you screw this up so quickly!?”

“It’s not my fault she pisses me off so much!” Carl cried, struggling to break free from Twilight’s magic.

“Twilight, it’s okay. Carl and I are friends now!”

“WHAT!?” Out of sheer shock, Twilight dropped Carl from her grasp as he crashed back down to earth. “Friends!? With him!? What the heck happened!?”

“Me and Carl had a long talk about it and we decided to let by-gones be by-gones.”

“There’s no way Carl would ever do something like that. What really happened?”

“Well, Applejack had to kinda force him a little, but we got there eventually. He apologised and everything.”

“I don’t know… How do I know Carl didn't put you up to this? What if you’re just covering for him?”

“Applejack and the others were there, they can vouch for me. Plus, I even gave him that super cool scarf.”

Twilight didn’t even notice it at first, but upon further inspection, Carl really was wearing a frilly pink scarf. There was no way he'd ever wear something like that without good reason.

“Are you sure this isn't some kind of elaborate ruse?”

“Gosh darnit, Twilight!” Applejack yelled. “Pinkie gave him that scarf as a sign of their friendship. It might seem unbelievable, but it’s the truth.”

Twilight kept staring at the scarf as she pondered to herself. Applejack couldn't possibly be lying, but Carl was still acting the same way he always had. Could he really have changed? Was this all just an act? Either way, it was too early to tell.

“What are you staring at?” Carl chided, as he pulled himself back together. “Got a problem with the colour pink?”

“Do you, Twilight?” Pinkie reiterated.

“What? No. I just… have a hard time believing what I’m hearing.”

“Come on, Twilight. Give him another chance. For me?”

“I don’t know. Unis, what do you think?”

Carl thought it was odd that Twilight would ask Unis for his opinion, considering he isn't even meant to be involved in the first place.

Unis needed no time to think and responded, swiftly. “Honestly, Princess, you're just wasting your time. It’s obvious he hasn’t changed at all and that he will only continue to be a burden on you. I imagine after extended exposure to his vulgar personality, even Princess Celestia would begin to lose patience with him.”

“Shut up, retard.” Carl retorted. “Go be irrelevant somewhere else.”

Unis held his tongue, as not to create a scene in the presence of royalty.

While Carl's vulgarity was certainly still prevalent, the rest of Twilight’s friends, especially Pinkie, all still looked as if he deserved a second chance. Twilight wasn’t sure herself, having not witnessed this supposed change, but if she couldn’t trust her friend's judgement, then who could she trust?

“Alright, Carl. I’ll give you your second chance.”

“Neat.”

“But, you’re still on thin ice. I want you to promise to never lash out at my friends like that again. Got it?”

“Well, technically I only lashed out at your friends because they wouldn-”

“GOT IT!?”

“Yes ma’am.”

“Good.”

“Congratulations, Carl!” Pinkie rushed in for a triumphant hug. “You’re back in Twilight’s good books.”

“Yeah, on the bottom shelf…” He replied.

“Unis.” Twilight called. “Continue your guard duties here, me and Carl have important business to attend to.”

“Oh, god, really? No breaks?”

“No breaks, now come on.”

“What the hell are we doing?”

“Shopping, of course.”

"Oh god, Pinkie, save me!"

"Have fun, Carl!" She waved.

“Goddamn it…”

Before Carl knew it, he was back to being dragged around town with Twilight, as if nothing had changed at all.

They strolled through the high street, once again, as the same ponies watched them pass by, anticipating another verbal showdown between the two. However, they were left disappointed as they merely passed by without saying a word.

The two eventually came to a fairly large building that looked like a supermarket, leaving Carl a little anxious.

“Oh, man. I think I’m having flashbacks…” He groaned.

“What? You don’t like supermarkets?” Twilight asked.

“No, I hate shopping in general. Especially with women…”

“Carl, if you weren't such a picky eater, I wouldn't have to drag you here. Now, quit complaining, it'll only take a few minutes.”

“'A few minutes' my ass! That's what they all say and before you know it, you’ve been in there for an hour with no end in sight. Then they keep asking the same, redundant questions, while they take their sweet time. Meanwhile I'm stuck standing around, about to keel over from boredom.”

“Don't you think you're over-reacting, just a little bit?”

“Nope, you can stand around freezing your ass off in the frozen section, but I'm not setting one foot in there.”

“Oh, fine, be a baby, but you just lost your right to complain about whatever food I happen to get you.”

“Fine.”

Twilight groaned in disbelief, amazed at Carl’s childishness. She pointed over to a row of seats up against the side of the building. “Go sit over there until I’m done… and try not to get into trouble, okay?”

“As if I’d do such a thing.”

Twilight didn’t appreciate the sarcasm, not that she ever appreciated Carl’s sarcasm, but she entered the supermarket without any further comments.

Satisfied with dodging a troublesome shopping trip, Carl parked his rear on one of the seats and patiently waited for Twilight. It may have been boring, but at least it was effortless boredom.

Of course, after a few minutes, Carl found himself kicking up the dirt underneath his seat in a vain attempt at entertaining himself, but soon, a small pegasus colt sat on the seat next to him.

He was a little black pegasus with big blue eyes and a scruffy mane. It was apparent from his appearance that he was highly energetic and as soon as he and Carl looked at each other, he immediately started talking.

“Hey, mister!?” The kid asked, standing in his seat. “Why are you sitting so funny?”

Carl caught himself sitting upright, like a human, again. “Uh… because I feel like it?”

“You’re weird, you’re like that green unicorn mom sometimes talks with.”

“Uh huh…”

“Hey, why are you sitting here? Did your mom go shopping without you, too?”

“Uh… yeah, sure.” Carl laughed to himself.

The young colt, suddenly started fluttering over his seat in excitement. “Hey, look! I just learned to fly recently! It's super cool!”

“Really? Good for you, kid.”

“Yeah, but I’m still getting used to it. My mom took me shopping a couple of days ago, but when I was flying around the store, I accidentally knocked a bunch of stuff over…”

“Is that why she dumped you out here, today?”

“Yeah… mom wasn’t happy. She said she needed to pay… compen...say...son?”

“Well, have you tried walking?”

“What!? Why would I walk when I can fly!? How am I supposed to get good at flying if I walk everywhere!?”

“Huh… good point.”

“So, why did your mom leave you out here? Did you break a bunch of stuff, too?”

“Oh, I’ve broken plenty of stuff, but honestly, she’s just a massive bit-” Carl suddenly stopped himself. For some reason, he couldn’t bring himself to swear in front of this innocent child. There was just something about his energetic eagerness that he found too endearing to sully with harsh cursing.

“Bit?” The child asked.

“Bit… bit of a control freak. You know?”

“Yeah, my mom can be like that.”

“I bet she is…”

“Yeah… I just wish she wouldn’t get so mad all the time…”

“She’s just trying to keep you out of trouble. Otherwise, you might end up like me, someday.”

The colt laughed. “Yeah... you're old.”

“O-old?” Carl wasn't sure how to take that, but he admired the colt's guts. "What's your name, kid?"

“I’m Stormy Ascent.”

“Woah, nice name.”

“What’s yours?”

“Carl.”

“Really?”

“What did you expect?”

“I don’t know… something cooler, I guess.”

“Nope, nothing cool here. I’m just a boring old fart.”

Suddenly, without warning. A massive explosion tore through the entrance to the supermarket as sparks of purple lightning crackled throughout the area, debris scattered across the ground and smoke burst through the decimated entrance to the store.

“WHAT THE FUCKING HELL WAS THAT!?” Carl screamed.

As the smoke from the blast cleared away, it revealed Twilight, standing firm, but clearly injured by the explosion. She was glaring intently at the figure standing in the ruined entry way.

“What are you doing!? Stop this!” Twilight ordered. “There are ponies here! If you want to fight me, we can take this somewhere else!”

“Fight you!?” The figure announced, loudly. “What!? I'm not here for a fight! I'm here to send a message!”

"A message!?"

"Yeah! 'Dear Princess Celestia: Thanks for keeping me imprisoned for over a millennia! As thanks, I'll reduce each town in Equestria to rubble, one by one!'"

“Not on my watch!” Twilight fired a large, powerful blast of magic at the figure, hoping to consume and trap them, but the attack was effortlessly nullified by the figure’s own magic. A sparking barrier that absorbed Twilight’s blast, like a black hole, reducing it to nothing.

“What!? How!?”

The figure laughed hysterically at Twilight’s dumbfounded expression. “Oh, what’s the matter Princess? I hope that wasn’t your best shot, otherwise, I’ll just skip the fighting and move straight onto the part where I rip this entire town to shreds!”

“No!” Twilight fired another blast, but it was suppressed, once again. She kept firing, but couldn’t break through the figure’s defences. Twilight was at a loss, she wasn’t prepared for a fight and had no idea who or what her opponent was or how their magic worked, it was all too sudden.

The figured continued laughing to themselves, in admiration of their own incredible power. “Well, Princess. You’re clearly out of ammo, so I guess I’ll take my shot now.”

The figure stepped out of the entryway, it was difficult to make out who they were, as their entire body lit up with a purple light, obscured by lightning. From above their horn, a massive collection of magical energy was being amassed. It formed into a ball of destructive, lightning magic, that grew larger and larger.

“What are you doing!?” Twilight yelled in fear. “You can’t throw around magic of that magnitude in a small town, like this! The damage would be immeasurable!”

“But, if I have all this magic, I might as well use it! I’ll be surprised if anything crawls out from the ashes when this bomb goes off!”

The ball of energy was finally complete, it was at least the size of a large house, with enough power to level the entire town.

“Alright, Princess!” The figure called. “Catch!”

The figure flung the ball at Twilight who, immediately ran away. Not from fear, but to lure the attack into an open space, away from any ponies. She was steadfast, as the attack loomed over her, until it eventually consumed her.

The ground shook violently, as the ball collided with it, ripping the earth beneath Twilight asunder, becoming more unstable as it prepared to detonate, when suddenly, it was surrounded by a purple barrier.

As the energy reached its boiling point, the ball exploded, but the barrier kept all of the kinetic energy it released contained, preventing any collateral damage. The barrier dropped and the smoke cleared, revealing an extremely fatigued Twilight, still standing in the small crater left by the blast.

The figure burst into laughter, again, entertained by Twilight’s quick thinking. “Impressive, Princess! You used a barrier to protect yourself, and then used a second barrier to contain the explosion. I bet that took a lot of mental fortitude, managing two barrier spells like that without either of them breaking underneath all that pressure!”

Twilight was far too fatigued to reply to his facetious praise.

With his aura gone, Carl was able to see the figure for who they truly were. He recognised the voice and their magic, but their appearance was completely different. They were just a greyish white, female unicorn with a black mane.

“Mom?” Stormy stuttered.

“What did you say?” Carl asked.

Stormy scrambled over to the figure, ignoring the danger of the situation. “Kid! What are you doing!?”

“Something’s wrong with mom!”

Carl wasn’t sure how he was supposed to defend a child from such monstrous power, but against his better judgement, he followed after him anyway. “Stupid little bastard!”

Stormy pulled on his mother’s leg, trying to get her attention. “Mom, what’s happening to you!? Why are you doing this!?”

The figure took time out of mocking Twilight, to deal with the nuisance that was nattering in their ear. They turned to face the child and with a sickly grin, replied: “Because she despises you.”

“What?” Stormy was left stunned and confused. “What did I do…?”

The figure suddenly took on a more melodramatic tone. “Oh, what haven’t you done, dear child? All that flying around, your constant need for validation. Not to mention your little accidents. You’re like a buzzing little fly, except flies don’t cause destruction wherever they go. It’s all so aggravating, it drives your mother crazy, but at the very least it did produce some delicious negativity.”

“I-I’m sorry….”

“Oh, that’s okay. Here, let me put you out of your misery…”

The figure began recharging their magic, their body crackling with wild electricity, while Stormy stood petrified by their intimidating presence.

Twilight thought fast and teleported in front of Stormy to protect him, at the same time, Carl had caught up and grabbed hold of him.

Standing right in there face, Twilight braced herself for the incoming assault. The energy the figure gathered erupted from their horn, blasting Twilight at point blank with a burst of magic.

Twilight threw up a barrier to protect herself and Carl, as the figure’s blast consumed them. From within the safety of the barrier they could see the stream of energy surging around them, as the magic shielding them cracked under the pressure.

Eventually, the stream of magic burst, relieving Twilight from the immense stress. Another strip of ground had been ripped up by the blast of energy and the windows of the supermarket had all shattered from the pressure.

“Well, I can see why Celestia chose you as her student.” The figure commended. “But, I guess that’s not saying much, with the sorry state you’re in, right now.”

“You…” Twilight muttered, breathing heavily from her exhaustion. “You’re the one… Celestia warned us about… Who are you?”

The figure reached out their hoof to lift Twilight’s face, as she was clearly too tired to do it herself, all so they could look her in the eye. “I’m just the embodiment of pure negativity, that’s all.”

Twilight let out a quick burst of magic to push the figure out of her face. “Oh my, still got some fight left in you, even after all that? I guess you’re not the same, whiny little brat, who cried incessantly whenever they failed a big test.”

“Wha-? That only happened one time!”

“Ooh, don't want to make you angry, you might brainwash me into falling in love with your raggedy little doll.”

“You leave Smarty Pants out of this! I don't know how you know about my past, but if you think you can use it to psyche me out, then you are sorely mistaken.”

“Still going to fight, then? Alright, but tell me, Twilight. Will you be able withstand a third attack? What about a fourth, or fifth? How about ten or twenty!? Maybe you should just cry to the Princess, like the child you are!”

“Hey, how’re you holding out, Sprinkles?” Carl stepped out from behind Twilight. “You’ve got some magic left, right?”

“Yeah… Why?”

“Good. Use it to keep the kid safe and try to regain some stamina. Let me take a swing at this asshole.”

“But, there's no way you can stand up to him. What If you-?”

“Don't worry about me, I’ve dealt with this guy before and I’ve got a feeling I might be more effective against him than you think.”

“What makes you say tha- wait a minute. You’ve dealt with him before!? When!? Why didn’t you tell anypony about this sooner!? That’s kind of important, Carl!”

“You can bitch at me later, we’ve got more important shit to deal with right now!”

Twilight backed off and quickly escorted Stormy away from danger. Although Stormy was scared, he was also a little excited that he got to be guarded by Princess Twilight, herself.

“Hey, fucko! Remember me!?” Carl called.

“Celestia’s trump card. Her super secret weapon. What does her highness’ waste of time and effort want with me?”

“What? Did you forget your promise?”

“Oh, that’s right. I said I’d erase you. To be honest, I’d prefer to do it with Celestia watching, but I suppose I’ll be able to rub my victory in her face regardless if there’s a body leftover or not.”

“You’re pretty cocky for a guy who doesn’t even have his own body.”

“Neither will you, in just a few seconds.”

The figure gathered his magic into another, large lightning ball. “Alright, Carl. Even you should be able to figure out how to play this game! Catch!”

The ball loomed over Carl as it began its descent towards him. Twilight could only watch as the same attack that rendered her, a skilled alicorn, a fatigued mess, was now crashing down upon Carl, who was merely an Earth pony.

The attack eventually crushed Carl, but suddenly, miraculously stopped. There was a brief pause where even the mysterious figure couldn’t figure out why their attack halted, but from Twilight’s perspective it was clear as day.

Carl raised his arms and somehow stopped the attack, dead in its tracks, his hooves, burning from the impact.

“Hey, asshole!” Carl yelled. “You can have this back!” With all his might, Carl threw the ball back at the figure who took the blast head on.

Although they shielded themselves from any damage, the enraged look on their face proved that Carl, somehow did the impossible.

“WHAT!?” The figure screamed. “WHAT DID YOU DO!?”

“Whew… dude, chill. I just didn’t want your balls in my face.”

“THAT’S NOT WHAT I MEANT, YOU IDIOT! YOU SHOULD BE DUST IN THE WIND! YOU CAN’T JUST DEFLECT MY ATTACK LIKE THAT! YOU’RE JUST AN EARTH PONY!”

“...but, I just did…”

The figure took deep breaths to calm themselves. “Okay… fine… so, you’re not just dead weight after all. Not yet, anyway…”

“At least I have weight, Smokey.”

“In that case, how about we kick the difficulty up a notch!”

The figure summoned another, massive energy ball. Carl prepared to counter it, just as he did before, but what he couldn’t prepare for were the four other balls that spawned around it.

“You gotta be shitting me…” It wasn’t obvious to the others, but deflecting the first energy ball wasn’t as easy as it looked. His hooves were singed, still smoking and Carl wasn’t sure if he could handle five attacks at once.

“Let’s see you survive this one!” The group of explosive orbs flew towards Carl. Deflecting all five of them would be impossible, but there wasn’t enough time to strategise. He needed a quick and simple solution and he needed it now.

Carl rushed forward, leapt toward the oncoming blasts and punched one as hard as he could. It wasn’t the most intricate plan in the world, but the force of his strike sent the ball at the front of the pack colliding with the others.

Although his feat was impressive, it didn’t prevent the sphere’s of chaotic lightning from detonating upon contact with each other. Before Carl could even land from his jump, the magical blasts unleashed all their pent up energy and burst, all at once.

The force of the blast sent Carl flying past Twilight as he tumbled across the ground and the shockwaves shook Ponyville to it's core. As Twilight looked on in shock, the figure burst into the same loud, obnoxious laughter he just loved to indulge himself in.

“This is Celestia’s secret trump card!? What an idiot!” The figure could barely contain himself, he was laughing so hard. “I can’t believe he thought that would work!”

“I can’t believe that actually worked!”

“WHAT!?” His laughter stopped.

Surprisingly, Carl managed to survive having been blasted in the face by such a powerful force of magic.

“That’s impossible! You should have been incinerated! How are you still alive!? Not even Earth ponies are that resilient!” The figure was furious. How was he supposed to gloat over his victory when Carl would consistently prove his efforts fruitless?

“Well, that knocked the fucking wind right out of me...” Carl wheezed, as he pulled himself up.

“EXPLAIN YOURSELF, THIS INSTANT!”

“Geez, dude, who shat in your coffee this morning?” Carl chuckled as he regained his composure. “Look, all I did was punch the first ball into the others, causing them all to explode, but the actual force of the explosion was what threw me back. The magical energy itself never even touched me.

To put it simply, your attacks may look large, intimidating, and flashy as hell, but they’re nowhere near as strong as you think they are, even a simple Earth pony can handle them once they’ve realised that. If you really want to erase me, you’re gonna have to put in a bit more effort than that.”

The figure’s body crackled with intense lightning, shaking the ground beneath him. “I’m being mocked? By… pony scum? ME!?”

“You okay, dude?”

“I’ll erase you! I’ll erase all of you! This entire town… will be nothing but ash when I’m through with it!” The figure’s power erupted, as their lightning shot into the sky. Dark clouds gathered around as he formed a magical blast, one that was far deadlier than anything Twilight or Carl had seen up to this point.

While the other ponies looked on in horror, Carl had a smug smirk on his face. “Got him.”

He charged towards the figure, who was so focused on amassing all his power in the sky, that he left himself completely unguarded. With a single devastating punch to the face, Carl knocked the figure through the air until he crashed into the ground.

Having just been soundly pulverised, the figure lost control of their attack and the energy above them dispersed before it could endanger anyone, returning the sky to normal.

The figure laid, dazed on the ground. “What happened…? Why.. am I… in pain…?”

“What’s wrong, Smokey? Can’t take a punch?”

“You… what are you…?”

“Just some random asshole, that’s all.”

“I’ll destroy you…”

“Not in that state you aren’t. How about you get out of that woman’s body before I beat you out of it.”

Suddenly, without warning, something small bumped into the back of Carl's head. “Ow! What the-?”

“Leave my mom, alone!” Stormy cried in Carl’s face.

“What!? Hey, Sparkplug! I told you to keep the kid with you!”

Twilight hadn't even noticed Stormy had escaped from her, she was too enthralled by Carl's bizarre fight.

“Why did you have to hit my mom like that!?”

“Kid, have you not been paying attention!?”

“Of course I have, but… I still don’t want anypony to hit my mom!” Stormy flew over to the figure and hugged at their leg. “I don’t care if she yells at me, I just want my mom back!”

The figure suddenly grinned. “Well, looks like I just got myself a new bargaining chip.”

“Really, dude?” Carl berated. “You’re going to take the kid hostage? What happened to all that talk about blowing up the whole town or whatever? This is just low.”

“I know! It’s prefect, isn’t it? Just look at this poor, frightened child. He only wants you to stop hurting me. He’s such a good boy, it almost makes up for his little accident last week.”

“Last week? Wait, are you talking about when he crashed in the supermarket? How do you know about that?”

“Oh, I know a lot of things… probing people’s memories is an innate talent of mine.”

“Oh, really?” Carl's smug smirk suddenly returned. “Because, that was a lie.”

The figure immediately dropped his cocky attitude. They may have incredible powers, but having a good poker face was not one of them.

“That look pretty much confirmed it. Stormy’s shopping shenanigans only happened a couple days ago, not last week. I admire the attempt, but you should leave the shit-talking to the professionals.” Carl said, as Twilight remembered his own failed attempts at trying to bluff Pinkie Pie, only yesterday.

The figure desperately needed a way to regain control of the situation. “The… child was merely mistaken, right… son?”

“Last week…?” Stormy replied, still not fully understanding what the grown up ponies were talking about. “You mean the vase? I’m sorry about that, too! I just wanted you to see me fly, you never have time to see me fly...”

Carl roared with laughter. “Well, how about that shit? Do I even need to defeat you at this point? I think you've embarrassed yourself enough.”

The figure paid no mind to Carl’s taunting as they were fixated on Stormy, seething with rage.

“Hey!” Carl called. “You touch that kid and I'll…. what the…?”

The figure suddenly struggled as they stared into Stormy’s saddened eyes. “No, stop it. Not again… not after finally finding another vessel! No! STOP!”

Soon after, the figure’s body began glowing with a purple aura, the same aura Carl had seen before, just like in the Everfree Forest. Purple smoke suddenly burst forth from the figure’s body as it flew into the sky, disappearing from sight, leaving the vessel behind.

The possessed mare laid unconscious on the ground, but after some prodding from Stormy soon awoke.

“Stormy…?” She mumbled.

“Mom!”

“Stormy!” Having been exercised of the purple mist, the mother embraced her son. “My little baby’s okay!”

“Are you back to normal now, mom?”

“Yes and it’s all thanks to you.”

“I’m sorry for all the stupid stuff I did.”

“It’s okay. You maybe a little brat sometimes, but you’re my little brat.”

Carl didn’t feel the need to stick around any longer, he left Stormy to reunite with his mother and returned to Twilight.

“Don’t you love a happy ending?” He asked her.

“Carl… what you did was…”

“Brave? Inspiring? Maybe a little reckless, but totally badass?”

“Stupid!”

Carl was a little downtrodden by her reaction, although it wasn’t entirely unexpected.

“Provoking that… thing, running head first into it’s attacks, punching giant magical balls of destructive energy! There was no guarantee that any of the stunts you pulled were going to work!”

“Yeah… but, they did, didn’t they?”

“That’s not the point! You could have been vaporised!”

“But, I wasn’t.”

“But… you should have…”

“Oh, thanks…”

“No! I didn’t mean it like that!” Twilight replied, with an uneasy look on her face. “I’m just stating the fact, that under normal circumstances, you shouldn’t have survived any of that...”

“Oh, yeah? Then how did I survive all that, genius!?”

“I don’t know…”

Twilight didn’t look like she was being sarcastic, she was genuinely clueless. With that, Carl decided not to pry any further.
“Well, what I’d like to know is: Why did that thing feel the need to lie to me, like that? Is he hiding something?” He thought aloud.

“Like what?”

"I don't know, that's why I asked."

Twilight pondered for a moment, before coming to a decision. “I think it’s time we spoke with Princess Celestia about all this.”

“Really, when?”

“Immediately.”

“But, isn’t Canterlot, like, really far away?”

“That’s fine, we can just take the train.”

“You mean we have to take public transport!? Goddammit…”

“This is no time for complaining. We need to return to the castle, right now.”

Before the pair left, Carl was smacked on the back of the head, once again.

“Ah! What the fu-”

“Sorry, mister.” Stormy apologised.

“What is it, kid?”

“I just wanted to thank you, for saving my mom.”

“W-what? Uh, sure… no problem.”

“Are you, like, a hero or something?”

“Me? Nah, I told you. I’m just another boring Earth pony.”

Stormy's mother soon joined them. “Well, you’re our hero.”

“Uh… neat. I gotta go.”

Embarrassed beyond belief, Carl quickly caught back up to Twilight.

“Aw, looks like you’ve got a fan club, Carl.” Twilight teased.

“Shut up.”

Author's Note

Wow, I bet Mastershake, Frylock and Meatwad would be real proud of Carl right about now......

lol, jk.

Next time: The return to Canterlot.