A Real Shocker!

I'd say I'm sorry for being gone for so long, but I've been having to deal with some heavy shit the past few years and I haven't (And I'm still not) been dealing with my depression or anything the right way. Back when I was about 9, I lost a cousin that was about my age to Pneumonia, she was my favorite cousin and really the only one I could talk to about personal shit growing up, like how my mom had Breast Cancer since I was about 1 and how my dad was never home because he was working on the rigs.

Around 11, my dad was diagnosed with Leukemia and at about 12, my mother died due to her own battle. I found her body on the ground next to her Oxygen machine, I thought she was alive and tried to wake her up while my sister called an ambulance. And when I thought life couldn't get any worse, my father passed two months later.

And not even 2 years later, my sister started getting into drugs and started ruining my life as I grew. At the time, we were being raised by my grandparents and instead of being a decent human being, she would scream, rage, break things, and basically destroy our house in a blind rage while looking for money for drugs. Whenever she was mad, she'd take it out on either my 70-year-old grandparents or me whenever she wasn't breaking into our rooms or the safe for money or things to sell.

I basically watched my sister kill herself for years, get better for a period of a week, then dive right back into her self-destructive bullshit. Hell, I'm still dealing with it. Add that onto two shitty jobs that don't pay enough and over-work me, bills I can hardly afford, and a suicide attempt under my belt, I honestly lost interest in the things I used to love. It's boring and monotonous on most days and I'm honestly at the point where even suicide isn't worth it.

Why off myself and hurt my family? But also, why live if the same boring shit is going to happen every day? It's wake up at 4 am, stay in bed until 10, don't eat, take my pills (Sometimes), wait until my shift and work the first one, go to work again until about 12, and sleep from 2 to 4 am. Rinse and repeat.

I'm going to try and get back into writing and shit but if I don't, I'm truly sorry for the people who like my story.