In a perfect, cartoon world of adorable ponies (not to mention a gender ratio more skewed than Surf City) some may consider your choice of companion a bit strange. After all, her name was "Derpy". You had wondered how ponies could possibly be aware of slang derived from a South Park episode, but the meaning was clear. Slapstick. She was silly and clumsy and not incredibly intelligent.
To most of the ponies in Ponyville, she was an annoyance. She seemed to cause more than her share of property damage. Being a pegasus only added to this natural proclivity. When she weaved a loopy path through the air down Main Street, most ponies kept their distance. She'd always profusely apologize to anyone who's fruit stand, wagon, or piece of decorative statuary she'd crash into, but the damage would always remain. Her permanently misaligned eyes ensured that she could never quite see where she was going. Whether she could help it or not, she was destructive.
Her gray coat and blonde mane seemed rather plain, compared to the vibrant colors that most mares displayed. Her cutie mark, seven bubbles, was a rather nebulous symbol. It didn't really seem to reflect on any sort of special talent. She worked for the Ponyville post office, alongside ponies with mailbags and envelopes adorning their flanks. No one really understood her, or her place in Equestria. Then again, she never really seemed to mind.
Although her demeanor was almost always cheerful and bright, she was not in possession of a remarkable brain. She often had trouble remembering things, and she couldn't count very high without tapping a hoof on the ground. She was a bit gullible as well. It was not uncommon for particularly mean-spirited stallions to convince poor Derpy that she was in danger from giant, invisible monsters. The "games" these ponies played almost always left her in tears.
It was on just such an occasion that you began your relationship with the derped pegasus.
It was a sunny day in August and you were strolling back to your home on the edge of the Everfree Forest. You'd taken up residence there shortly after you first arrived in Equestria, when the citizens of Ponyville still looked upon you as a monster. You had just completed your long day of work at the spa (your unique appendages had come in very handy as a masseuse) when you saw her.
She was cowering in the corner of an empty lot. Two teenage-looking stallions stood in front of her, laughing. She was sobbing and whimpering and looking altogether pathetic and vulnerable. The cruel ponies laughed at her and sneered threats.
"They're all around you, Derpy!"
"They're going to eat you!"
She cried out in abject terror, which only made the two colts laugh harder.
You were no tough guy. You were certainly no hero, but a scene like this was sure to make a brave man out of anyone. You entered the lot from the sidewalk and shouted for the two mean-spirited colts to leave her alone. They turned quickly in your direction, startled that someone had intruded on their "fun".
You had a bit of a reputation around Ponyville. The only pony to greet when you first arrived had been Pinkie Pie, the crazy party pony. She had introduced you to her five "bestest friends in the whole wide world" who just happened to be bearers of the Elements of Harmony. The leader of this group was Twilight Sparkle, favorite student of Princess Celestia and probably the most powerful unicorn in Equestria. You'd gone on many adventures with these six ponies, and helped them save Ponyville from doom at least four times.
Needless to say, these colts knew the threat you might pose and bolted the minute they saw you. Ignoring them, you stepped closer to the gray pegasus, sobbing quietly in the corner. Nearing her, you gently asked her if she was alright.
"N-No!" She sobbed, "There are m-monsters that wanna *sniff* eat me!"
Angry that these thoughtless stallions had taken advantage of poor Derpy's gullibility, you knelt down beside her and assured her that there were no monsters around, invisible or otherwise. You told her that the only monsters in the vicinity were the two ponies who enjoyed making others miserable.
She looked up at you and blinked her large, crossed, gold-colored eyes. She then hung her head and spoke in a dejected tone of voice.
"They fooled me again, didn't they?"
Her voice was a bit strange, a kind rarely found back on earth. It seemed, like most everything in Equestria, cartoonish. She spoke slowly. Her voice was a bit deep for a mare, and a bit scratchy like Rainbow Dash. Still, it had a certain childish quality that readily endeared itself to you. She had a very cute voice.
"Those mean boys are always tricking me! They tell me I'm gonna get eaten by big, invisible monsters and I just get so scared. I don't know why they're so mean to me...."
She was beginning to sob again, so you started to pet her mane. For whatever reason, this always seemed to relax and calm ponies. As you ran your fingers through her plain, blonde hair, she stopped sobbing so much. She even smiled a little. She looked up at you again with her beautiful eyes and spoke.
"I like you. You're a nice pony."
You chuckled. Deciding it wouldn't be worth it to try and explain the obvious, you went ahead and told her your name. She stood up and replied.
"I'm Derpy! Pleased to meet you!"
You returned the sentiment and asked her if she'd like company on the way back home. She seemed a bit nervous at the notion, not wanting to be a bother.
"Oh, I guess if you really wanna..."
That's all the confirmation you needed, so you rose to your feet and began to walk alongside her as she looped and weaved through the air on her lovely little wings.
The trip to her home was an experience. She leisurely flew at about the level of your shoulder, so you could easily catch her if she was in danger of causing trouble. All in all, you rescued two flower carts, a pretzel stand, and a rather elderly pony who would never have seen her coming.
You both arrived at the door of her home about ten minutes after you had set off. You weren't sure what to expect. Derpy was a pegasus, after all, and most of them lived in cloud houses. These impressive structures, made almost entirely of clouds, wouldn't support anything but the body of a pegasus. Even if a human could somehow reach one of these houses, hanging high in midair, he'd just fall right through the floor.
Luckily, Derpy lived on land in a little house that seemed to fit in well with the pastoral architecture of Ponyville. Once you reached the stone walkway, she touched down to land front of you. She didn't necessarily "touch down" as much as she was "set down". By you, after you caught her from her dive bomb. Once the two of you reached her door, she turned to face you and spoke. She had a shy smile on her face.
"Thanks for helping me get home. I woulda made a lotta people mad if you hadn't been there to catch me on the way."
You assured her that you were happy to do so and that you were only glad you could help.
She looked away for a moment (as far as you could tell). Her nose and mouth seemed to scrunch up into a strange facial expression you'd noticed to be common amongst ponies. She appeared to be briefly trying to think something over.
She turned to face you again.
"Do you wanna come in for a minute? I got muffins!"
She seemed hesitant. Maybe she didn't get many guests. Maybe she wasn't shown much kindness by the citizens of Ponyville. Maybe she was just nervous about asking for company. It didn't matter much. You were delighted to join the pegasus in her home for muffins.
Inside, Derpy's place seemed like your typical home. It wasn't nearly as disheveled or disorganized as you'd imagined. Derpy seemed to get around fine when she wasn't flying, and she certainly didn't try to fly indoors.
The gray pony led you to her living room and had you sit down on her big, comfy couch.
"I'll be back in just a sec with the treats!" she excitedly announced. You waited patiently in your seat.
The whole home smelled delicious. The pleasant aroma of freshly-baked muffins filled the air. You deduced that she must have baked them not too long before she set out. Perhaps she was taking a stroll (or flight) to pass the time while her muffins cooled. Before the unpleasantness with those two heartless stallions...
Derpy rounded the corner from the kitchen with a tray clenched between her teeth. Upon the tray was a plate piled high with large blueberry muffins and two glasses of milk. It amazed you how "handy" these ponies could be with their mouths. They used their mouths for almost everything humans used their hands for, from writing to pouring drinks.
In spite of her oral dexterity, Derpy still unfortunately lived up to her namesake. Her parents, or whoever had named her, must have been cruel and thoughtless to brand her with the title of physical comedy. She tripped. Over what, you couldn't say. It was more than likely her own hooves that managed to tangle around one another. The tray went flying.
You were covered in milk and crumbs before you even realized what had happened.
"OH, MY GOSH! I'M SORRY!"
Derpy rushed back to the kitchen and reappeared seconds later with a towel held between her teeth. She got up on the couch and began to dry you off with it.
"I'M SORRY! I'M SORRY! I'M SO SUPER SORRY!"
Despite being a mess, you felt bad for the poor pegasus. It was obvious that she had trouble with coordination. You could blame that on her bad eyes. But even beyond the general clumsiness, you could tell that she wasn't quite... all there. After all, who could be convinced that they were in danger from invisible monsters? You had the feeling that this Derpy mare was a bit... Well... She might have been... Just a bit "special".
She seemed to be self-sufficient, of course. She didn't have a speech impediment and wasn't obviously disabled in any way. She was just a bit naive. In fact, she was quite a lot naive. For lack of a better term, she was simple. In light of this, you weren't sure you could really be angry with her.
You were completely dry at this point, and Derpy began gathering up the ruined muffins onto the tray. Once again, she was softly sobbing. Her voice was weak and shaky.
"I'm sorry. I shoulda known something like this would happen. I can't do anything right. You don't hafta worry about me. You can go if you want."
Your heart ached for the pegasus. It was clear she thought very little of herself. It was no surprise, really. She was treated like nothing more than a nuisance by almost everyone in Ponyville. Most ponies shunned her altogether. Couldn't they realize that none of her "problems" were really her fault? Hadn't anyone attempted to look past the clumsiness and the derpiness to see the pure heart that lay within?
"Well, what are you waiting for?"
Derpy had finished cleaning up, and her downcast face reflected her spirit. Even though she was clearly despondent, she remained thoroughly adorable. Her little nose and her big, sad eyes pointed straight (more or less) towards the floor...
You leaned forward and wrapped your arms around her in a comforting embrace. She immediately returned the hug and buried her face in your chest. She continued to sob for some time, but you weren't going to let go until she was ready to pull back.
She stopped sobbing for a moment and turned her head to look up at you. She had a weak smile on her face, but her eyes gave away just how happy she was to finally have someone care about her. She spoke.
"I knew you were a nice pony."
Over the weeks since your first meeting, you and Derpy became the best of friends. She ended work at the post office each day before you were relieved from your spa duties, so she was always in the lobby waiting for you.
You'd have fun all around Ponyville each day. Sometimes you'd head to the arcade to play some video games. Sometimes you'd just have a relaxing picnic in the park. Occasionally, the two of you would spend the night at one of your houses. You spent even more time with her than you did with the six element-bearers. For whatever reason, you just found yourself attracted to the simple pegasus.
Attracted? Well, why not? She was a very cute pony with an honest heart and a generally cheerful disposition. You loved spending time with her and she loved being with you. Not to mention the fact that you seemed to be her only close friend, or at least the only one to show her the kindness and patience she deserved.
One night, the two of you were staying at your house. You had spent a long day fishing from the banks of a river; catching, releasing, and regaling her with thrilling tales of your life back on earth. The two of you sat on your couch, relaxing and enjoying the afterglow of a perfect day.
You were about to drift off to sleep, when Derpy nudged your side with her hoof.
"H-hey..."
You opened your eyes to face her and replied. She had a nervous look in her eye, and a slightly more nervous look in her other eye. She seemed like she wanted to say something, but she just couldn't bring herself to.
You asked her what the matter was, and placed your hand on her foreleg. She "scrunched" her facial features again, and blurted it out:
"Do you wanna kiss me?"
You'd be lying if you said you hadn't ever considered the possibility. Still, the thought had never been more than a passing fancy. These were ponies, after all. This was a seemingly innocent cartoon world. To bring relationships like this into the equation had always struck you as a bad idea, regardless of what feelings you may have had.
But you weren't thinking of that at the time.
You gave her a comforting smile and leaned forward. Your lips met and all of your prior reservations were forgotten. She was your little Derpy and you were her human.
You always would be.
