The pink horse looked down at me, “Are you swearing at the universe in frustration? I prefer serenading it myself.”

I blinked. What.

“Then it usually tells me to be quiet after a few hours, which is really mean, but that's all right because I know it actually has a really hard job, but then I switch to a polka and dance and snuggle my way onto the top of its head.”

I snorted with laughter at the absurdity of it, “You’re crazy!”

She giggled, “Probably! You're the first one to realise that, keep it a secret? Besides it got you laughing!” She smiled at me, “Feel better?”

I stood up, “Yeah. Thanks.” I might as well deal with the...alien? Whatever, talking ponies isn't as bad as what I've been through. I'd be freaking out pretty bad if I didn't have bigger problems to deal with. “So, is it just you here?” I asked.

Her eyes lit up, “Oh! Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh! Welcome to Ponyville!” She, I mean, she sounded pretty damn female to me, started bouncing up and down. “I have to throw you a Welcome To Ponyville party!”

Okay? “Uh...With who?”

“Oh, right! Everypony is at the party!”

I sighed, she was clearly too excitable to have any useful information for me. “Look, can you take me to someone? I need to talk to someone with some information about this place.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” She started bouncing away, chattering about the most random things.

I rubbed my nose and followed her. Was she really crazy or was it just an act? Well, whatever, I guess. The town was just as nice as it looked from a distance. It was still as deserted as it was before. I wondered what party it was that...uh, pink...was talking about? Hey, if I was lucky maybe they already knew about me and they were preparing my way home and it was a farewell party! I thought back to my luck in the forest. Or maybe not.

As we walked I made a mental map as we went. When we arrived at a...treehouse? Housetree? House inside a tree, I had a pretty good idea how to get around the place. I shook myself out of my thoughts as we approached the tree.

She was still going on, “-and then he started shouting, ‘Snake? Snake?! Snaaaaake!’” Wait, what the what?! Did she just quote Metal Gear?! “And that's how he lost his pet snake.” I...really don't know what to think of her. “Oh, we’re here!” She pushed open the door and went in. I sighed and followed her in, shutting the door behind me. What? It's polite.

As I turned back to find the pink horse had found some equally colourful friends, including a...pegasus and...unicorn. I let out a quiet groan and slumped down to the floor and began to wonder if I had gone insane.

“Pinkie!” The purple unicorn shouted. Really? Really? That was the pink one’s name? “Where have you been? We need you here!”

Pinkie giggles, “Sorry, Twilight, I had to greet somepony new to Ponyville!” Twilight? Ponyville? Great, either I actually have gone completely mental or this place is as badly named as calling a dog Dog.

That got the rest of the group’s attention, they looked up from the pile of books and scrolls between them and noticed me. Realising this was my shot at introducing myself I stood up. “Greetings to you, my name is Leon Walters, human,” My smile dropped, “And wandering loser.” Okay, yes, so I was feeling slightly bitter about what happened in the forest. And my whole life before really.

“Wandering loser?” The white unicorn said. “Darling, whatever do you mean by that?”

I waved her off, “Forget it, I'm just being bitter.” I coughed into my hand, “Allow me to reintroduce myself, I am Leon Alexander Walters at your service.” I bowed. Dad had always insisted on proper manners, even if I didn't usually show them.

Her eyes lit up, “Well met, Mr Walters! I am Rarity, owner of Carousel Boutique, I must say I find your attire interesting.” My clothes? I looked over myself, I was just in a black hoodie and jeans. Actually, had I gone to sleep in them? I was sure I'd taken them off the night before. Just another mystery to add to the growing pile.

“Really?” I asked.

“Indeed! If you ever need more clothes then I insist you come to me! Oh, you'll get a heavy discount, of course! Seeing you has me just bursting with ideas!”

Huh. “Oh, thanks.”

“My pleasure, Mr Walters.”

“Uh, just Leon, please, Mr Walters is my dad.”

She giggled, “Of course, darling.”

One of the others cleared their throat, “Uh, Rarity, if you're done?” It was the orange...normal horse. Why was she southern? She came up to me and held out her hoof and I cautiously took it and holy hell she had a good shake! “Names’s Applejack! Good to meet you, Leon!”

I grinned back, “You too. Be better if I hadn't had to run from these wooden wolves first, but you deal with the hand you’re dealt, right?” Wait, how was her hoof holding onto me?

Her limb dropped, “You tangled with Timberwolves?! You alright?!” She quickly began checking me over.

“I'm, uh, fine. I'm fine.” I shook her off.

The blue pegasus flew in my face, “And how’d you do that, huh?” She pretty much demanded. She needs to tone down the aggression or someone might take it the wrong way.

“That's easy, Prismatic Rainbow.”

“Its Rainbow Dash.” She corrected.

“Eh, close enough.” I shrugged. “How did I get away untouched? Simple.” They leaned in closer. “I ran like my arse was on fire.” I lied, but it was a good lie. Like they'd believe me about what really happened.

Applejack chuckled, “Yep, that'd work all right.”

“Hi, I'm Twilight Sparkle, you said you are a...human, correct?” The purple unicorn said, floating over a quill and paper.

I nodded, “Yeah, that's right. Wait, how the fuck are you doing that?!”

She raised an eyebrow, “Magic.”

I blinked, “Magic? There's fucking magic…” I slumped back to the floor with a groan. “That's it. I'm done.” Of course there's magic! Why wouldn't there be magic?!

“Are...you okay?” I looked up to see the yellow pegasus standing closer to me.

I sighed. I had to deal with this now, I couldn't keep trying to shut down at every shock. Okay, magic. Maybe I can deal, I mean the planet still revolves around the sun, right?

“I…” I stopped and took a deep breath. “I'm fine, just...it's shock after shock here, isn't it? Magic, huh? Sure, I'll have a panic attack later.”

Twilight gave me an odd look, “Why would magic make you have a panic attack?”

“Maybe because where I'm from there's no such thing as magic!” I snapped. Okay deep breaths. Panic later find out where I am now. “Okay. Let's just finish the introductions, yeah?”

“Um, right.” Twilight muttered before pointing to the yellow pegasus. “Well, this is Fluttershy.”

“Hey.” I said. She hid behind Twilight. “Oh, right, she's shy, I get it.”

“And you already know Pinkie Pie.” Twilight finished.

I looked at the pink horse, “Actually she never introduced herself.”

“Oops.” Pinkie gave a sheepish grin.

Now, time to get down to business and hopefully put to rest some fears I had. “Is there a globe around here?”

“Yes, here.” Twilight...hovered one over to me.

I snatched it out of the air and studied it for several minutes. “FUUUUUUUCK!” I roared.

Applejack was returning a book to the bookshelves lining the walls and lost her balance and fell over. “What in tarnation?!”

I let out a long scream, venting the last of my anguish. I then dropped the globe. “I hoped I was wrong.” I groaned. “I wished I was wrong!”

“What's wrong with you?” Rainbow asked.

I grabbed her by the face, “Tell me, little, blue, flying, probably a figment of my mind, magical horse?!” I grinned. “How does one react to possibly being either insane or stuck on another planet? Which is worse?!” If I was insane then it didn't matter if I either hurt them or got hurt because I was safe in a nice hospital!

“Get off me!” She yelled, hitting me across the face.

I blinked and let her go before nursing my throbbing cheek. “Thanks. I needed that.” I said. “I was losing my grip.”

“Whatever. And we're ponies not horses!” She shouted. Eh, I did grab her face, so she gets a free pass this time.

“Whatever. So, where is everyone in this town?”

“Oh, they're all at a party, the girls and I are just here sorting out the library.” Twilight answered me.

“Right.”

Two seconds passed before Twilight was in my face with a notepad and quill, “Did you say you’re from another planet?!”

I jolted backwards and fell over a book behind me. I just looked up at her as a book fell on my head. “Ow.”

She at least had the good graces to look guilty. “Um, sorry.”

“You'd best be. That hurt.” I grumbled.

“Can you tell me about your species?” She looked like she was about to faint from excitement.

Talk about humanity? Pass. “No. Not today. You know, seeing as I just discovered I might be cut off from them forever!”

“Oh. Right.” She lowered her head.

Damn it. “We have no magic and we built tools to survive. That's all you’re getting for now.”

Her eyes lit up, “Thank you!”

“Yeah, yeah, no worries. Now, if you don't mind I'm going to just sit around here and hope I get some fucking karmic justice around here and a place to stay just drops into my lap.” Yes, it was lazy, but at the moment I really didn't care.

“Well, if you want you could stay here while you tell me about your species.” Twilight offered.

I blinked. Huh, that was easy. Don't know why she's trusting me, she just met me. Ah well, not going to look a gift horse in the mouth. Wait, is that offensive? “Sure. Now, you go on your business, I'll be practicing a skill.”

With that the ponies began talking and sorting the books. It seemed like they were good friends. I shook my head and focused. As they spoke I practiced drawing my sidearm. Draw. Holster. Draw. Holster. It was the fourth time drawing that I drew a little too fast and the gun slipped from my grip and crashed into a plant pot, shattering it and spraying soil all over. I winced. Well, on the plus side, at least I remembered to put the safety on first.

The group gave me a look. "I meant to do that!" I said automatically.

Rainbow snorted, "You meant to smash the plant pot?"

Fuck. "It was looking at me funny." I only realised what I was saying halfway through saying it, but if I'd stopped it would have looked even more awkward.

She looked a second away from laughing, “It was looking at you funny?”

Quick, salvage the situation! “Your hair means you’re dumb!” Brain, are you even on today?

As they stared at me Twilight was looking at a book oddly. "I don't remember getting this book!" Twilight cried like it was the worst thing in the world. I was thankful for the distraction.

I shrugged, "So? You can't possibly remember every book you have in this library just by mind." I caught the looks on her friends faces. "You're kidding...right?" From their faces I'd say that was a big fat no. "Aw, man, you need help. Ever considered getting a boyfriend? Girlfriend?" I guess I didn't have any room to talk when it came to romantic partners though. Here I was, twenty three and still never had a girlfriend, never been kissed and never had sex. Oh well, that shit isn't really important when you have good friends. Oh, god that sounded wrong!

"Hey!" She whined. "Well, I don't even understand what it's for. It seems to be an educational book, but...I don't get it, well, I guess there are books for ponies who are...slower. But it doesn't even talk about rags or...or...AGH!" She slammed her head onto a desk she was passing.

I went over and retrieved my handgun before picking up the book and looked the cover over. 'How To Properly Clean Your Weapon'. I flicked through the pages before coming to a page detailing...cleaning firing mechanisms? Hang on, this is a book on cleaning guns! "Yeah, I'm having this."

“What?” Twilight asked, lifting her head.

“I'm having this book as, shall we say, payment for telling you about my family life.”

Her eyes lit up again, “Yes! It's not a library book and it doesn't belong to anypony, so sure!”

“We'll talk later.” I said, preparing to relax. There was a sudden scream outside and five of the girls were suddenly racing outside. I blinked and looked over to Fluttershy, “I'd rather stay in here. You?” She gave me a nod. “Great!”

That plan lasted only five seconds until Rainbow flew back in and dragged Fluttershy outside. I stood there. Alone. I groaned, “I hate being alone!” Seeing no other choice I walked outside and joined them. I had to push apart the sudden mass of ponies that had appeared to find out what the big deal was.

“Hey! Watch it!” One pony yelled as I shoved them aside.

“Take it up with my dick!” I shot back.

I finally got to the front of the crowd and rejoined the girls. “So what's the problem?”

Then I saw the blood and tree branch impaled through the body. They had one of my bodies.

“Shit.” I saw the looks I was getting. "What? That's...Okay, I don't even know how to explain this."

“Then...then try.” Twilight said, looking about two seconds away from throwing up.

“Fine.” I looked at the body and twitched. “Can somebody get rid of this thing?!” Who even dragged that shit in here?

There was some grumbling as a red unicorn pushed his way to the front and began dragging my body away. “Finally!” Rarity gasped. “The stench of that thing was terrible!”

“Hey!” I snapped. “I don't care if I wasn't in it, that's still my body!” I saw the looks the townsfolk were giving me. I sighed, “Alright, gather around. This is the tale of how I arrived in this land. This is the tale of how I died.” Hey, I played enough games to develop a taste for the dramatic, give a guy a break, yeah?

And so I told the town my story. Omitting the...uh, drowning scene, that's one thing I never want to think about again. And...well, let's just say I now had a lot of sympathy around town. Fluttershy in particular seemed to be getting protective of me, as we left the crowd she was clinging to me.

“Fluttershy, please get off. I'm not going to get hurt here. I appreciate it, but please stop.”

“Sorry.” She whispered, letting me go.

“It's fine. We can't exactly move like that could we?”

“Who are you?” A new voice asked.

I looked around and saw a purple and green lizard thing standing by Twilight. What is that? Twilight smiled, “Spike, this is Leon he'll be living with us while he tells me about his species. Leon, this is Spike, my dragon assistant.”

“Hey. Dragon, huh? Cool.” It was mega cool. What kid didn't dream about meeting a dragon?

He puffed up, “Yep, that's me, cool all the way through.” He raised an eyebrow, "So what was the big deal before?”

I shrugged, “It was a dead body of mine that I recently, uh...moved out of.” I shrugged.

"Oh, is it a clone's body and you have a bunch and when you die your mind jumps into another one?" Spike asked excitedly.

I glanced down at the comic book in his hand. The subtitle 'Maximum Clonage'. "No, you're reading too many comics." Aaaand now I wish I had my collection of Spider-Man's Clone Saga with me. At least that we could compare comics.

“Aw.”

I smirked, “Or maybe not enough comics.”

“Please don't encourage him to read more comics.” Twilight muttered.

I waved her off, “Oh, please! Comics are wonderful! They teach right from wrong, a sense of justice…” I gave a smirk, “and how to make some money!”

She shook her head and walked off. As the rest of us followed her back to the library Spike and I just talked about comics. Somewhere along the way Twilight got it into her head that she would be able to unlock magic in me. Something about all living things absorbing the world’s natural magic and there being a spell to give people at least a small bit of magic.

As we gathered in the main room in the library, Spike going upstairs to read, I let her know my thoughts. “Look, I'm not so sure. We’re talking about pure arcane power here, right? What if something goes wrong and I turn into some sort of mindless monster?”

“That doesn't happen.” Twilight chuckled. “The spell just gives you enough magic to jumpstart your own magical core. Of course the magic could manifest as being able to perform spells, walk on clouds, anything.”

“I don't like it. I still think something will go wrong.”

"Please, the chances of this spell going wrong are one in six billion five thousand and thirty two point five."

I sighed, "Fine. Go ahead. I guess it'd be nice to fling around magic."

Her horn lit up and all the light in the room seemed like it was getting sucked into her. After about five minutes there was a large ball of magic above her horn. With a flick of her head two beams shot out of the energy ball and struck me in the chest. It...actually felt kind of nice.

I blinked as I was suddenly standing about a foot to the right. "Wait...what just happened?" Did...did I just...teleport?

I saw the girls all staring at a spot on the floor. I walked over and took a look. It was...just a scorch mark. Huh. "Hey, Twilight, did something explode here a while ago or something?" I asked.

She looked up at me and...was she crying? "I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm so sorry!" She sobbed, digging her head into my side.

"Er...There, there?" I said, patting her head and trying to figure out what she was talking about. "So...what are you sorry for again? All I know is that I suddenly moved a few feet. Why were you staring at that mark? Did I teleport?"

"Darling...How should I put this?" Rarity muttered. "That mark...it's...ah..."

"It's you." Applejack cut in.

"What?" I said flatly.

"You exploded."

"Ah. That, uh...explains the tears." After Twilight had calmed down and stopped throwing apologies at me I let out a sigh and said, "You know...those odds have probably reset now. Want to try again?"

And that's how a second scorch mark appeared in the library.

"Um...we could try again?" Twilight offered.

"Uh...I'm, uh, I'm good." I squeaked.

"Please? I know how to stop you exploding this time!" She begged.

I sighed, "Oh, all right. But this is the last time!"

She quickly started the spell again. Everything seemed to be going well. I didn't explode this time!

I ran out of the library screaming as the fire covering me burnt me alive.

After I had quickly been burnt to a husk I sat and watched as local ponies soaked my old body in case a fire started and sipped the milkshake Twilight had bought for me. I was really starting to hate this place.

I took another sip of my banana milkshake before biting into the chocolate muffin. Eh, but the food’s good.

Author's Note

Kill count.
This chapter: 3
Total: 19.