This Book is Terrible: Twilight's Reviews

"Twilight, you're becoming insane! You have to stop this madness!" Spike had just finished scrubbing the blackness off himself with a towel, and hoping that Twilight would be alright for the next hour at least, for pony's sake.

"Pfft, insane? If you think that, you're the one who's insane, Spikey Wikey!"

"Don't," he blushed.

"Why?"

"Rarity gave me that nickname."

"AND THAT MEANS I CAN'T USE IT?! WHY, YOU INSOLENT LITTLE..." It was no use trying to get her to calm down. She aimed her horn at the poor dragon and fired a few magic blasts.

"Uh, Twilight, I think, uh, that we should, uh, visit - ah! That, we, should...visitsomeponyelse!"

"Fair enough." The shooting ceased, much to his relief. With such short legs, it was not easy to dodge it.

"Uh, how about Fluttershy? She's a nice, calm anti-anger pony (most of the time), and you could use a little, um...kindness right now. Yeah, kindness. The others haven't exactly, um, reacted optimally to your, reviews."

"Sure," said Twilight with a happy smile, already beginning the route to her timid friend's cottage.

Spike lagged behind to slap himself in the face.

What had he just done?

Fluttershy was quietly humming to herself as she stroked a bluejay's feathers. Perched on her hoof, this normally aggressive bird totally melted, fluffing out its feathers like a chickadee. Others from her menagerie clustered around her, as if they were magnetically drawn.

"Hi, Fluttershy!" said Twilight rather obnoxiously, stepping out from behind a bush.

"Oh!" She startled. The entire flock of birds scattered in an explosion of beating wings and color. "Um, hi, Twilight." She bashfully looked down at her buttercream hooves.

"Apologize." Spike rapped Twilight's head with his fist.

"A-gada-gada-gada," she shushed.

Fluttershy had turned her eyes away from the duo, missing the gibberish reprimand, and was talking to a tiny sparrow nestled in the grass.

"Oh, you were scared too, but you couldn't run? You poor, poor baby. Hush..."

She gently picked the creature up and fondled his thick, fluffy neck feathers. He cheeped in delight. Then, she remembered that her friends were here, with a soft, "oh."

"Um, what are you guys here for?"

"Fluttershy," began the dragon, "how do you talk to animals? I mean, I know it's a talent, but I've always sort of wondered..."

"I can help with that," she said, closing her eyes in joy.

Suddenly, at her sweet whistle, every single bird that had fled reappeared around her in a perfect formation. It was Twilight and Spike's turn to do the jump of surprise, this time.

The flock start to chorus an accompaniment under Fluttershy's lead.

"If you need help trying to talk
To your cutest little friends
Look no further, because
Here is where your search ends

I know lots about creatures
And their habits and styles
The ways that they do things
And their different kinds of smiles

Each one has a certain type
Of language you must know
If you want to communicate
In the rain, or wind, or snow."

She stopped singing for a second to talk to Twilight and Spike to give them some of her best advice, but the birds kept up a lively instrumental in the background.

"So, you try to listen to the sounds they make - of course, only it if it's okay with you, you don't really have to..."

"Don't denounce your own tips," said Twilight, rolling her eyes.

Fluttershy's cheeks blushed a pale pink. She went back to her singing.

"When speaking to the birds
You have to listen for their words
And when you start to sing
Then, you can say anything

You can say anythin-"

As usual, the Element of Magic was intent on stealing the spotlight. Sending the birds flying with a flap of her wings, she stood in front of Fluttershy and started to sing a very loud solo of her own invention.

"Don't really want to sing to little birdies
And who says you should know how?
If I had come for that reason
I wouldn't despise this show right now!

I am looking for a writer
Who thinks her talent's strong
'Cause you know, I didn't come here
To sing some silly song!

I'm a promising critic
(That much I guarantee)
I can help you, in writing,
To become the pony you want to be ."

"Oh my goodness,
Thank you, Twilight
But I'm not very good at writing
I've never really tried it
And it doesn't seem inviting

I'm better at singing songs
To creatures large and small
Thank you so much, my friend
But I'm not an author at all"

"Gorillas and chincillas,
They don't matter in my sight
The only things that do are books
With all of their might

All of their...might!"

Twilight was singing so loudly now that all the animals were baring their teeth at her and making rude noises. She abruptly decided to stop.

"So, yeah, forget the song. Got anything I can review?"

"Well, I - uh, I, um, told you I, uh, you, you know, wasn't, wasn't...very-"

"ENOUGH USELESS BLABBERING!" the lavender mare shouted, prompting even more hostile behavior from the defensive critters. "YES OR NO?"

"Twilight! I'm ashamed of you!" The said pony whipped her head around to see Spike. "You're acting worse than you did when you thought you were going to go back to magic kindergarden, so you enchanted your old doll Smarty-"

"Spike, never utter that name again. Do you hear me?" It took all the little dragon's self control to keep him from bursting out in giggles, but Twilight was deadly serious about the doll.

"Well," he said, shifting the subject to break the uncomfortable silence that followed, "I think you should teach Fluttershy how to write, or at least encourage her."

"What? Me? Teach her? I've only had thirteen whole years of professional experience and lessons from Princess Celestia herself. I'm sure she wouldn't want me to-"

"Please." Spike grabbed her purple hoof and looked up at her, his bright eyes pleading even more than his voice.

"What in the hoof? You can do the 'cute eyes' technique?" Twilight groaned, flabbergasted.

"Oh, yes, I taught him just the other day, when he came over to get some treats for Owliscious."

"I didn't send him to get treats for Owliscous! Spike, have you been sneaking out?" The mare wrinkled her nose and glared down at him.

"Maybe," he yelped guiltily, arms behind his back.

"Remember the rubies."

"I-I-I don't mean - to be...r-r-rude or anything, but...you...two..." When the duo turned to look at their timid friend, she let out a small "Eep!" and hid beneath her long pink mane.

"If you have something to say, Fluttershy, then you might as well say it without BEING A CHICKEN!"

"That's, that's unfair!" The pegasus lightly touched the ground with her hoof, in what had been an attempt to stomp. "Chickens aren't cowards. You have it all wrong, Twilight! Haven't ever seen two roosters spar?"

If there was one thing that set Twilight off, it was being told she was wrong, even if the pony doing the correction was speaking in a voice so soft that the butterflies were coming over and swaying in the tame breeze it created.

"Your lesson begins now. Good luck."

Spike quickly stood on his tiptoes to whisper, "Yeah, good luck. She can be a pretty tough teacher when she's ma-"

"Shush!" The alicorn towered over him, mouthing the word which reminded him of the terrible consequence she wouldn't hesitate to carry out.

Ru-bies...

Several hours later, as evening was beginning to spread across the land, Fluttershy walked up to Twilight, who was cruelly teasing a mouse in her menagerie by pretending to offer it a piece of cheese.

"I-I-I..."

"You're ready. Say it, already."

"I, I'm ready."

"Whoop-de-doo. Congratulations, Miss Shy, for getting words out of your mouth. Let's all go sing your praises." The studious alicorn was almost an excellent master of the art of sarcasm, if not already. "Show me the poem."

"I've got it, Twi," said Spike rather cheerfully. He knew that nighttime was coming, which meant bedtime. Therefore, this compost pile of a day would come to and end.

"Give it here."

"Let Fluttershy read her own words. She knows how they should sound. (Plus, I edited it)."

"YOU WHAT?! BUT, SPIKE, YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO SPELL PROPERLY! PRINCESS CELESTIA SENDS ME A WEEKLY CHART OF THE SPELLING MISTAKES YOU MAKE ON A DAILY BASIS!"

He sighed.

"Just. Calm. Down. And let her read it."

Fluttershy was blushing and stammering, until he gave her a few encouraging words.

"You can do it, Fluttershy! It's a beautiful poem, and won't take long to read.

"Um,
The birds wer singing
The chimes wer ringing
The world was all at peas.

And so it came to pas, at last
That everipony was fine, at leest."

"Woo hoo! Good job!" he shouted, the instant she was done, startling her. Then, she smiled.

"That was okay, but is that really all you managed to write? I poured three hours of my life into teaching you, filly! Let me see that paper..."

Without hesitation, she magically ripped it out of Fluttershy's hoof, which really wasn't necessary. Everyone knew that her grip could hardly be called one. It was a wonder she didn't drop all her animals.

Twilight scanned the paper. As she progressed, her eyes went from normal to tiny-pupil-maniac-mode.

"FLUTTERSHY, RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!" yelled Spike.

But he wasn't the one she was mad at.

"SPIKE! YOU DIDN'T 'EDIT' IT, YOU MADE IT WORSE!"