Chapters The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
Why did I take ponification? Better question is, why didn’t you? I don’t see any reason to stay human now. But yeah, I was one of the earlier ones. Before they ironed out the kinks. Back when they converted twenty-four-seven-three-hundred-sixty-five-and-a-quarter. I hear that now, people flock to the bureaus during the two-week poni-vacation (what a stupid pun) so that they can spend longer living on the bureau’s hospitality before actual conversion. But, when I went, it was just that time of the year. Anyway, the ponies and the bureau folks want me to tell my story to put everyone else at ease, and they said to start with why I took ponification.
Some people went because they were unemployed or in debt. Some went because they were in pain because of disease. And some because they lived in fear. But do you see the thread running through all of those reasons? They all got ponified to make their lives better. I just wanted my life to be different. I had a job, I lived in a secure neighborhood, and I had nothing wrong with me worse than flat feet. That’s not to say I had no problems. But they were all what we called “first-world” problems. The term was a derogatory one, meaning that your problems didn’t matter. I think they were real enough, but if I list them, you might not.
Oh, I had a few practical issues. Specifically that the PER was active close to my town. I didn’t want to be ponified against my will. Ironically, that made me want to get ponified more. Better safe in a bureau than randomly on the street with no anesthetic. I know, if I think that way, the terrorists win. I can’t care anymore.
So I went in. The paperwork was only half as bad as the usual government pile. From what I heard, if nothing went wrong with a ponification, they threw your file away. I don’t know if that’s true. They filed mine with the other active cases and gave me a room. The room was like a suite at a cheap hotel. It was crammed full of a lot of stuff just so they could list amenities. Bed, dresser, lamps, tiny fridge, TV—it was like being back at college. Well, why not? If this is the end of my human life, I’d like it to remind me of the happiest time.
After I was settled, they gave me my first orientation class, about the process itself. They told us that all we have to do is drink the knockout juice and they do the rest. I think the point of the class was to emphasize how bad ponification was outside of a controlled environment so that we would stay and complete the course. After that was dinner, which was my first chance to see ponies in the flesh.
There weren’t as many as I’d hoped. There were ten tables for humans and only one for ponies. They were all different colors and—well, you know what they look like, there’s plenty around today. But they all were being led around by bureau employees in their lab coats. They were mostly there to catch them if they fell or committed a faux pas, and to keep the unconverted from accosting them. But one person did. As a new pony was being led past our table, someone on the other side shouted, “Hey, you still human inside?”
The pony stopped and looked at him. I could tell that he was thinking about the question. “Yeah, man. Nothing’s gone. I’m the same.” But as he walked on he had a satisfied smile on his face. And I thought what everyone else did: how do we know he’s not just on some permanent high that makes him say that? A few seconds later, though, ponies were the last thing on my mind.
A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead walk into a Conversion Bureau and I say, “What is this, some kind of joke?” Corny, huh? But I mean, girls have friends and sometimes they have two that they hang out with and sometimes they have the three most popular colors of hair. It happens, OK? Blondie was do-able and Red looked like a party girl, but man, the dark-haired one made me want to thank god I had a dick.
OK, maybe I did have one good reason to re-spin the wheel on a new life as a pony. I was a total loser with women. I wasn’t a virgin; I’d managed to reel in a fish or two. But I’d never had that kind of steady girlfriend who gave great sex all the time with. Probably because I thought of it like reeling in fish. That’s the Zen koan of sex: the only way to win it is to stop thinking of it as a game. But I don’t work that way. I see a hot girl and I think about getting her into bed. Like the dark-haired girl.
Let me start with the amuses-bouche before I get to the main course. Skin: clear (probably lots of makeup, but who cares?) Ass: tight—she worked out. Eyes: Nice. Not a whole lot of ways to describe eyes. She did wear glasses, and some guys think that’s hot. I’m one of them. Legs: spreadable. Now that we’ve got that out of the way. . .
Yeah, I’m a tit man. No apologies. And brother, the funbags on her—well, I could fill this paragraph with synonyms for breasts, but my favorite is still boobs. It’s such a perfect word for them, isn’t it? From the side they look like b’s, and from the front they look like o’s. It’s almost a kind of onomatopoeia as well, right? They bounce and you hear a tympani in your head going, “Boooob. Boooob.” This girl didn’t have breasts or mammaries. She had boobs. The perfect size—just too big. They stuck out the sides and top of the halter she was wearing (Was that a joke? She’s going to turn into a pony so she puts on a halter?). I could just see the top of her cleavage. Her skin was tanned but those boobs were pale white. I love that paleness. It makes them stand out so much more.
I drifted from what I could see to fantasy. How big were her nipples? No, rather, her areolas. Did they puff up like little cupcakes when she was turned on? I hoped so. What I wanted to do to those things. I’d squeeze them with my hands and then trace around the sides with my fingers just to tease her. Then I’d lick the nipple and perk it up and listen to her moan. Then I’d take the whole thing in my mouth. I used to think that boobs were really sensitive and you had to be careful around them like a clit, but then a girlfriend told me to go to town and really suck the whole thing into my mouth. I could never get one of the dark-haired girl’s in, but I’d like to try. And—yes!—she’s sitting at a table across from me. I get to look at her boobs throughout the entire meal!
Discreetly, of course. I have a long history of looking at boobs without being detected. Unfortunately, the vast majority of people who have boobs won’t let you play with them. But looking’s free. I sat there with my mashed potatoes and pork chops and watched her spoon hers. I passed the salt and engaged in conversation with the people next to me, all the time pretending to stare into space. Like I said, real discreet.
Or so I thought. When I brought my empty tray back, she and her girlfriends were in line behind me. I heard one of them say, through the din of conversation, “. . . spent the whole meal staring at your chest.” Great. Well, the other side of the coin is that there’s also no penalty if you’re caught. Let her know I was looking at her boobs. In a few days, she wouldn’t even have them anymore.
That thought gave me pause. I wouldn’t be human anymore in a few days either. I’d live in a world of ponies. No more women. No more boobs. I never thought of changing my mind because of that. As I said, I didn’t expect a better life, just a different one, and that meant some sacrifices. Totally worth it. Still, I had a week. Maybe I could convince her that she’d better get with me while the getting is good.
On the off chance that any ladies read this, let me clue you in to some of the ways that men think. I know it seems that we’re dumb when we’re around you, but the fact of the matter is that our minds are going a mile a minute. We’re planning out our strategy with more intensity than Eisenhower on D-Day, trying to figure out how to woo you. Really, if you would just make things easier on us, we’d be a lot smarter.
I had a three-point plan for approaching her, since I saw three potential meeting spots. The line for a meal was one, the hall going to the bathroom was another. The third was during the one time when we had classes that ended at the same time. The food line was the most public spot, so that couldn’t be where I actually asked her, ergo that had to come first or second. The hall meeting wouldn’t be more than a few seconds, so that shouldn’t be first. That defined the plan. Make sure I’m behind her in line at breakfast, exchange names and backgrounds. Run into her in the hall that night and find something to compliment her on. Then get a hold of her the next day and propose a coupling.
Ridiculous, right? But that’s how males think. Human males, anyway.
In my case, the plan didn’t make it past step one. I was called into the main office the next day. A bureaucrat sat behind the desk.
“We’ve had a complaint registered against you for sexual harassment,” she said.
Ho, boy. I guess I really pissed her off. “OK, what’s the procedure for that? Do I get to defend myself?”
“Do you have any defense?”
“Sexual harassment is unwanted sexual advances, right? But I can’t know if they’re unwanted unless I make them first. I have to at least have one opportunity to get a no before it means no.”
She sighed. “We really don’t want to go through a whole big thing when both the complainer and the subject are only here for a week. And we can’t deny you your right to ponification. But we can make you take it at another bureau if we have to. So do us all a favor and just keep a low profile until you’re a pony. Once that happens, there’s no such thing as sexual harassment.”
I agreed and got out of there. So much for one last thrill before I take the pony plunge. I didn’t go to the common room that night. I just finished dinner and went to the bedroom they gave me. I was reviewing the notes I had taken that day when there was a knock on the door.
The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
It was Blondie. I looked out into the hall. I didn’t want to get caught doing anything wrong when I’d already had a warning.
“You were talking to my friend Becca today, weren’t you?” she asked.
“If Becca was the brunette you eat your meals with, yeah.”
“Can I come in?”
If I’m any judge of body language and tone of voice, she wasn’t trying to set me up or get me in trouble. I gestured to the door.
When I had closed the door behind me, she started to shake. “What’s wrong?” I asked.
“I’m sorry for this. I don’t even know you, but. . . they just announced the ponification list for tomorrow morning, and I’m on it. I’m really nervous. Can I talk to you for a bit?”
I didn’t know what to say to that. I really didn’t want to play father confessor.
“Please?” she said. “I’ll make it worth your while.” She opened a button on her blouse to let me know what she meant.
I will never understand women.
I sat next to her on the bed. “Can you just hold me for a few minutes first. I’m willing, but I’m not ready quite yet.”
It was no problem for me. I like a lot of foreplay. More boob-playing time. She leaned into me and I hugged her around the waist. She was still shaking. “I’m just so scared,” she said.
“Why don’t you tell me about how you came to the bureau?”
That was, apparently, the right thing to say, because she looked up at me with a certain look on her face. It’s a look that says that it’s all right to move in for a kiss, and that she’ll kiss back. I hugged her tighter as she opened her mouth and slid her tongue into mine. So moist and slick.
I shifted my arms up and took her blouse with me. With her boobs still encased in her bra, I reached around her back and cupped one of them.
“Let me tell you the story,” she said.
“Is it all right if I touch you while you do?”
“Yes, go ahead. Gently, though. Don’t distract me.”
I huddled close to her and teased her nipple through the bra.
“The school I worked at closed down three years ago,” she said. “Have you ever been long-term unemployed?”
“No, I haven’t.”
“Then let me tell you how it takes your soul. After the first month, you look over the job listings and you’ve already sent applications to all of them, even the ones that you’re not qualified for. So it’s not like you have anything to do in your job search. No one calls you for interviews. You’re lucky if you get an e-mailed rejection. You spend your time writing follow-up letters where you can’t think of anything to say.
“All the while, of course, you’re running out of money. You don’t even notice the day when your bank account drops to zero and you start living off credit cards. You tell yourself that you’ll only buy the bare essentials, but you’ve got to have new clothes and makeup for the one interview you go on, and after you don’t get the job, you realize it’s wasted money.
“It’s not the money that gets to you. It’s the time. Do you know how many days are in three years? Over a thousand. Say it that way and it sounds like a prison sentence. Weekends are no longer something to look forward to, and neither are holidays. They’re actually worse, since on a Monday you might get a call. Actually, that sums it up perfectly: you start looking forward to Mondays.
“And then Equestria came and ponification was available. Do you know that they pay off all your debts when you get ponified? They do. ‘You walk into Equestria with nothing from your old life.’ That’s what they say in all the classes. On the one hand, getting rid of all my problems is something that I have to do, because I can’t make it. But I’m still waiting for the catch. Nobody gets something for nothing. Maybe the Human Liberation Front is right, and I’m going to lose what makes me who I am. Like I said, I’m scared to death of that. But I’ve still got to do it. If it takes my humanity, I’ve got to give it up. Because I’m a failure as a human being.”
What can you say to that? I was racking my brain for something I could tell her before she stormed out of the room convinced that I could only think about sex. But like I said, I don’t understand women. She looked up and kissed me again.
“I really needed to tell someone that. Thank you. So, since I’m giving up being human, at least before I do, I can be a woman.”
She took off the bra, and I finally got a chance to see her boobs. She tanned all over, or she was just naturally dark, but she was young and they did not sag. I leaned in and bounced them with my hands. We kissed again, and I felt her nipples crinkle.
She reached down and undid the button on my pants. I liked an aggressive partner who wasn’t afraid to do something. Too many women just lay there like blow-up dolls. My dick sprung out and she started jerking me off. She was skilled, but I also didn’t want to come too early. So I used my weight to force her to lie back on the bed. That gave me time to remove my pants entirely.
Before I dropped them on the ground, I pulled my wallet out from the back pocket and took out my condom. I was tearing it open when she said, “You don’t need that. It’s a safe day for me.”
“But I don’t really know you.”
“It doesn’t matter. Ponies can’t get STDs like we can.”
I threw it across the room. “All right, little pony-to-be. I’ll ride you bareback.”
I spread her legs wide and watched her lips open up. The folds of her pussy were glistening with her juices. I separated her lips further with my fingers and wet them a little. I stuck one in. That set her breathing faster. I heard the quick breaths and looked up into her eyes. Her panting was making her chest bob up and down. It looked like her boobs were swelling and shrinking. That was hot.
I rubbed some of her pussy juice onto the head of my dick and got mixed it with some of my precum. Getting on my knees in front of her, I put the head in and watched her to make sure I wasn’t hurting her. She did wince a little, so I pulled out.
“No, it’s OK,” she said. “You’re getting me wet and I’ll be all right.”
Slowly I reentered. I’m thick around, but not long. Maybe five inches. All right, exactly four and fifteen sixteenths. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve pressed the ruler in trying to round off to five. The point is, my initial push could always be a little stressful on a girl, but I wasn’t going to break her.
Now I was inside and I could start thrusting. Nothing better than a warm pussy when the girl is using her muscles right. She was no nervous virgin. She definitely knew how to get a man off.
Too well. I’m sorry to say that, for her last human sex, she didn’t get to come. She wrapped her legs around me and squeezed. I tried to stop to maintain stamina, but she kept moving her hips and I felt myself go over the edge. Figuring that it was too late to stop it, I resumed our rhythm and came inside her. I always wonder if a girl can really feel the spunk inside her or if she just knows when I’m done because I stop.
I rolled to the side as I pulled out. My cock was covered in goo as we watched it shrinking. “I’m sorry I couldn’t make you come,” I said.
“Don’t be. I don’t have to come to enjoy sex.”
That’s one of those lies we’re not allowed to call women out on. I could tell she didn’t mean it by the tone of her voice.
“If you feel up to it,” she said, “maybe in a few minutes you can eat me out?”
Now, I have no objection to going down on a girl. It’s fun for her and is a sign that you’re not all take, no give. But I had just spent and was incredibly tired, not to mention that I didn’t relish eating out a pussy I had just come into. She must have sensed my discomfort.
“It’s all right if you don’t want to.”
“No, I will, I don’t mind.”
But she was already getting dressed. In two minutes I was alone in the room. I switched off the light.
I had a sleepless night, and the coffee they served at breakfast didn’t reach my brain until my first pony-life class that morning. I barely had a chance to think about her. I found myself eating lunch alone when I felt a presence next to me. A reddish-brown unicorn pony with a white mane was looking at me.
“I’m sorry,” I said. “Can I do something for you?”
“Well, that’s nice. You forget about me so soon?”
The penny dropped. “You mean, you’re. . . ?” Damn. I hadn’t even known her name.
She smiled. “That’s right. We shared something special last night. I came to thank you.”
“How was your conversion? Did it go all right?”
“Better than all right. All my fears were misguided. I didn’t lose a thing. I’ve got everything I was, including a little part of you. Do you remember that I was worried about how there had to be a catch?”
“Yes.”
She came in close so that no one else could hear. “When I was under I had a dream or vision. I think everyone gets them. I saw Celestia, the leader of the ponies, and I asked her about it, about getting something for nothing. She said—well, she didn’t say anything, but she told me anyway—that that’s true in one world, just like the laws of conversion of matter and energy and momentum and all that, but across worlds, anything was possible. And she wanted to be generous to us. She’s so wonderful. I can’t wait for you to meet her.”
It still bothered me that I didn’t know who she was. I asked her for her name.
“I just picked it out today. I’m Happy Monday.”
“No, I meant your old name.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m leaving that name behind,” she said. “Remember, you walk into Equestria with nothing from your old life. I’ll always be Happy Monday now.”
“And you came to thank me? But I didn’t even make—“
“You did everything for me. You’ll understand as soon as you’re ponified.”
“Will I see you again?” I asked.
“I don’t know. I’m leaving for Equestria today. We might meet there, but it’s a big country. It’s getting bigger all the time. Soon it’ll be big enough to include me.”
The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
Depending on how the bureau’s schedule fell, you might not get ponified exactly seven days from entry. On my seventh day, four days after Happy Monday left, I didn’t even hear the loudspeaker analysis. They didn’t have speakers in all the rooms, but they posted it on the bulletin board, and sometimes people would come and look just to make sure that the announcement was right. When it went up, I looked. For some reason, I expected to not see my name. But there it was.
My last name started with a B. I was first in line. As I scanned over the list, I saw the name at the bottom: Williams, Becca. The dark-haired girl was in the crowd gathered around the notice. It had to be her.
I wanted to get to it as soon as possible, so I gobbled dinner fast and went to bed. Last meal as a human. Last sleep as a human.
Into the doctor’s office. Two technicians, both men. Strip down naked. Ponification with clothes on doesn’t stop the process, it just tears the clothes.
The younger tech said, “OK, sir. Your part of the process is easy. Just drink the anesthetic, lay back, and start counting backwards from a hundred. We’ll take it from there.”
I took the little paper cup from his hand and stared at it. I felt like I was on a roller coaster that had stalled out right before a big drop.
“I don’t have to do this,” I said.
“Sir?”
“I don’t have to do this.”
“Sir, you’ve been through the class. You don’t have to get ponified right now, but you’re leaving the bureau today if you don’t.”
“I know all that. I don’t have to do this,” I repeated. I just kept looking at that pink liquid in the paper cup. “I could drop this right now and walk out of here. I could go back to my old life and never become a pony.”
The tech was about to say something when the older man cut him off. “Yes, you could,” he said to me.
I poured the cup into my mouth and swallowed, then I crushed it and threw it across the room into the garbage. It was the last thing my hands ever did. I leaned back.
“One hundred. Ninety-nine. Ninety-eigh—“
My, this pillow is comfortable.
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They say that you’re not supposed to feel anything during your ponification. They say that the brain doesn’t feel anything at all. They say a lot of things. I don’t know if it was a dream, but I’ll tell you what I felt. In the center of my brain, a plug was pulled. All the gray matter started shifting forward. It flattened out and I couldn’t think anymore. My head felt like a balloon being turned inside-out. Then it was all over and I had a hole in the middle of my head.
There was nothing. I couldn’t see. I couldn’t hear. I could think, at least, and that meant that I still existed. All was darkness and void. Then there was a point of light. I don’t know whether the light moved toward me or I moved toward the light, but we drew closer. The light grew brighter and took up more of my field of vision. It started to hurt the eyes I didn’t have, like staring into the sun. There was still nothing but the light for another immeasurable time, and then I was beneath the light, behind it. I could see the source of the light.
Below the light was a horn, and below the horn was a head and a body. This must be Celestia, the Empress of the Ponies.
“Princess, in fact.”
She didn’t speak to me, but still she corrected my mistake. Princess Celestia. She sat on a throne of gold and her mane flowed behind her in all the colors that ever were. I didn’t know whether I was supposed to worship her or supplicate to her or just be close to her. I couldn’t do anything even if I wanted to. She was looking right at me, and then she smiled.
I still couldn’t move, but I could be moved. By will, she moved me to her other side. Did I go around? Left or right? Over her? Under her? Through her? Blasphemies. Let’s say she directly translated me behind. And in the midst of the light was a point of dark.
The dark was a real thing, not simply the absence of light. It was every bit as strong as the light, and existed in perfect balance with it. I was moved toward the dark as I had been to the light, and I saw the second pony, the other princess.
From my memory I called up the name that they had told me in the Conversion Bureau, a world away. Luna, Princess of the Night.
I still could not move or speak. I still could only think.
And, without knowing why, I began to think of Becca Williams. And not in a good way. All the fantasies I’d had about her body, her breasts, having sex with her came to my mind. I didn’t know why, at this moment. And I couldn’t stop it. Go stand in the corner and don’t think of an elephant. You can’t.
I saw Luna’s eyes, and I understood. She was drawing these thoughts out of me. In the darkness my life, my soul, and my mind were stripped and laid bare for her to see. All my lust poured out to be perused and examined by her. She frowned, and I never felt such fear.
Then the light and the dark came together, and I cannot describe what it is to have both light and dark at the same time. After another endless moment, both faded, and I drifted back to unconsciousness.
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“Oi, come on. Wake up.” I felt a gentle slap on my face. It was one of the techs.
“W-what happened? What went wrong?”
“Nothing. Perfectly routine ponification. You were just a bit more sensitive to the anesthetic than most.”
“Yeah, I’m still a little groggy,” I said. “Can you help me stand up?”
There was a pause. “You are standing up.”
I looked around and found a mirror. Between the two humans still in the room was a pony the color of the night sky with white freckles on his nose. My head finally cleared and I realized that was me. Then my thoughts came clearer and I realized that what he said was right. I was standing, though I didn’t feel like it.
It made sense. The same weight, more or less, that I’d carried all my life on two spindly little limbs with giant fleshy pads at the end was now resting comfortably, evenly distributed on four strong, wide legs. And at the end were sturdy hooves. I could stand like that for hours, the same way a human could sit for hours, only making an occasional shift for comfort. I felt that I could lift my forelegs, the same way that you can stand on one foot. But I saw no reason to.
I looked back in the mirror and saw my forehead. “I’m a unicorn pony?” I asked.
“You are,” said the older tech, “but don’t try any magic yet. You’ll need some training.”
“Don’t worry. I wouldn’t even know how.”
Let me tell you what having a horn is like. Much like the male organ, it goes deeper into the body than just what you see. It was solid and hard, but sensitive, and that’s completely inhuman. All of your hard parts, like your fingernails, are dead. I guess the closest thing you could compare it to would be a tooth. But instead of just having a nerve for pain, imagine if your teeth could touch things like your hand. And imagine if it was wired right into your brain.
The hole in my head that I felt before had filled in. I couldn’t quite tell how, but my brain was working differently than it had as a human. There was something else there.
The younger technician said, “Can you try to walk? You should be able to do that right away.”
I looked down at my legs and picked one of them up. I didn’t think that balance would be a problem with the wide base I now had, but I still expected to struggle. But I felt that filled-in hole again as I took a step. Walking was more than natural. It was fun. It was like sliding on linoleum in your socks.
“Whoa!” the older tech said. “Don’t run into the wall.”
“Sorry,” I said. “But I think I’ve got the hang of it. By the way, I never got your names.”
The two looked at each other. “I’m Jason, and this is David. Have you picked out a name yet?”
“No, I didn’t think of it. Truth be told, I’m still not thinking perfectly clear. I could go right back to bed now.”
“You can if you like,” said Jason. “and you should be as awake as you can be while you’re practicing being a pony. You may just be particularly sensitive to the anesthetic, but trust me, it’s better than being aware.”
“Good night,” said David. “Sleep tight.”
“I’m sorry?” I said. “What did you call me?”
“I didn’t, I just said good night.”
“No, you named me. Sleep Tight, at your service. Thank you, gentlemen.”
I walked out of the room where there was another bureau employee there to help me walk to my room. I told her that I intended to nap right away.
As I walked down the hall, a few people were lingering about. I saw a young boy who must have just arrived at the bureau, because I didn’t remember him. He had a very scared look on his face.
I just wanted to keep going to my room, but something made me stop and ask him what was wrong.
“Did it hurt?” he asked, pointing back to the ponification room.
“Not at all. Just like going to sleep.”
He looked reassured, and I continued on to my room. But it kept bugging me. There were plenty of people who could have answered his question. Why did I feel that I had to?
I would have to sleep on it.
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Have you ever tried that? Ask yourself a question and go to sleep? It’s surprising how often it works. In this case, I came to with a word in my head that I’d been trying to find.
Instinct . That was what it was. Somewhere in human evolution, the instinct was supplanted by rationality, but in ponies the rationality had grown separate. Now that I could identify it, I could understand it.
No, I had not lost any part of me that was human. But I had gained something. I had gained a conscience that would guide my steps. Oh, I could overrule it if I wanted, but it would have its input. I would always know what the right thing to do was, even if I chose not to do it.
Well, like it or not, there’s no going back now. I looked at the clock and saw that I had slept about two hours. The anesthetic had finally worked its way out of my system and I felt alert. I wandered back out to see the final ponifications and then get some breakfast.
Now that it wasn’t daybreak, people were standing around watching the newfoals coming out and congratulating them. The next one to go in was Becca. I was amazed when I saw her, because all of my lust had gone. I knew from my memory that she was attractive for a human, but now. . . go out and look at a horse. Turned on? Didn’t think so.
I got in line with the others and watched her go in. All I felt now was the desire for her, as a fellow sapient creature, to be well. I knew that she’d be out in a half hour or forty five minutes, so I went off to get breakfast.
In the cafeteria, there wasn’t much of a line or a crowd, which made sense as it was around ten o’clock. Now I had to start maneuvering things as a pony. The trays were tall enough that I managed to slip one between my teeth. They were also strong, which was fortunate because I felt like I could bite right through a plastic tray. I got it on the metal shelf and started sliding it up.
“Could I please have some of the salad?” I asked.
The server was a pony as well, but she used the tongs with her teeth like an expert. After she spit them out, she said, “I don’t remember seeing you around. Wait, is this your first meal as a pony?”
Great, this. I’d heard that they make a big ceremony out of the first time a converted pony eats, and I wanted to avoid it if I could. I never got the whole thing about food. You eat three times a day, and you get it over with. Those people who talk about food and watch TV shows about it and spend lots of money on fancy stuff just confuse me. But I didn’t want to lie to the mare, so I said yes.
“Eff-map!” she called. Sweet Celestia, they even had a cutesy acronym for it. Cooks and servers gathered round to watch and suggest things to eat.
“You’ve got to have a pear! It’s the best!”
“I made oatmeal brownies! Please try one, you’ll love it!”
“Hay! You’ve got to have hay for your first meal as a pony.”
I tried to block the wave of attention. “Hang on, hang on. I don’t want to have everything at once. Really I just want to do this and watch the ponifications.”
They looked at each other like they knew something I didn’t. I took the pear and the salad and the brownie and balanced the tray again. I now had to really concentrate to not spill everything, but it felt light in my mouth. I got it to a table and put it down. Everyone was still watching. All right, let’s gobble this down and get back. I bit the pear.
I stumbled to my knees. I couldn’t see or hear. It was like being back in my dream of the princesses, but at least I had some sense. Two, in fact. Smell and taste. The sweetness and the creaminess and the texture and the firmness and ohcelestiaohluna all I wanted to do was keep chewing. At last I came back to the real world and saw the faces watching me. They had smiles on their lips and twinkles in their eyes.
“All right,” I said, though it still felt like a waste to use my mouth for talking instead of eating. “You guys win. That was awesome.” They all laughed and I stood back up. I was able to get the next bite down without quite collapsing, but I could have eaten forever. My second conversion of the day had occurred. I was a foodie.
I was halfway through heaven—oops, I mean the oat brownie—when I heard the clapping of hands and the stomping of hooves from outside. Oh, no. I missed her coming out. I didn’t think anything could pull me away from that meal, but I dropped that brownie out of my mouth and made my first gallop. Drifting into the hallway like one of those street racers, I joined the line and stamped my hooves with the rest of them. She was already out and preening for us.
She was the color of winter cream. She was large for a mare, almost the same size as I was. My perspective on that might have been skewed, though, by the framing of the two magnificent wings that she had spread behind her head.
The smile on her face as she trotted down became mirrored on mine. She had lots of friends and she had something to say to all of them. Then she made it down to me. Her smile faltered, but she didn’t frown.
She moved her head right in close to mine so nopony else could hear. “Listen. I’m sorry for trying to get you in trouble. When I was human, I was always a little sensitive about sexuality. Probably a lot of it was from the way they try to make us grow up, but most of it was my fault.”
“I’m sorry too. Yeah, I knew from the signals you put out that you weren’t interested, but I tried anyway. Not for your sake, but for mine. I could write you off as frigid because you didn’t want me, but it was just my ego. At least now that we’re ponies, we can finally talk openly and honestly.”
“Yes. Everything’s better now. Friends?”
“Friends,” I said. And we were back to smiles.
“Now, everypony’s been telling me about this first meal thing, like it’s a big deal. Let’s get it over with.”
I smirked and led her to the cafeteria.
The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
The next day a dozen unicorns and I sat on the floor in a classroom. If standing was like sitting, sitting was like lying down. But I wasn’t worried about falling asleep, because I was about to learn magic. A genuine Equestrian unicorn came in and talked to us.
“Hello, and welcome to the wonderful world of being a unicorn! My name is Amethyst Star, and I’m from Ponyville in Equestria. I’m sure you’re all keen to start casting spells, and I’d like nothing better than to teach you. But the best mage in Equestria, Twilight Sparkle, designed this course and insists that I teach you some theory before we get practical.”
She picked up a large sheaf of paper and started reading. We all looked at each other as though saying, “Is she serious?”
She began to read. “The human philosopher Plato spoke of the theory of forms, suggesting that each object that we see is in fact a reflection of the conceptual form of what the object is. The basics of magic involve using your horn to sense and understand the forms around you, and in turn allow your horn to transcend its own instance to bring you to the ideal of being a unicorn.”
My eyes glazed over. I didn’t understand a thing she was saying, and I wasn’t sure that she did either.
She kept going on and now I saw other ponies put their heads down in boredom. Some dried leaves had come in through an open window and I amused myself by crushing them under my hooves.
Finally, an hour later, Amethyst put down the scrolls and said, “All right, now that you understand how magic works, let’s try to move simple objects.” Her horn glowed and a box of pencils distributed itself amongst the class. I stared at it and tried to get it to move.
For a long time, nothing happened for anypony. I strained the muscles in my head trying to do what I thought telekinesis was. Then I saw a few get their pencils standing upright. Darn. I wanted to be first.
Come on, pencil , I thought. Cut me some slack. Stand up and write. That’s what you do, right?
To my amazement, I saw out of my peripheral vision a gray light from my forehead and the same light surround the pencil. It stood up and started to scrape across the floor. It didn’t write more than a few scratchings, but it was moving. I looked around wondering if somepony wasn’t playing a prank on me. But all the other unicorns were still staring at their own work. I had actually done it. I had cast a spell.
It seems silly to say, but I almost had to make friends with the pencil before I could get it to move. It wasn’t like I had to be nice to it, but the pencil did half of the work. I’m not sure I’m fully explaining it, but go down to a conversion bureau and if you become a unicorn yourself, then you’ll understand.
Everypony else eventually got the simple spell to work, and by then the boredom of the lecture had gone. We were all chattering again and talking about how cool magic was. I reflected that, as annoying as it was, the narcotic lecture had burned off some of the excess energy that the class had and made us focus. I didn’t know who this Twilight Sparkle was, and she wasn’t my favorite pony, but I sure wanted to meet her.
With my horn working, I went from a pony invalid to a pony with the potential to get by in the world. The world of Equestria.
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Expeditions for Equestria happened every week or so. Ideally, everything in a Bureau would be perfectly scheduled. Classes, ponifications, expeditions. But this was Earth, and nothing was ideal. That was why Happy Monday left earlier than her friends despite coming in at the same time. Two days after I was ponified, we got the word that we could go. Getting ready took no time. We had nothing to pack. We would walk into Equestria with nothing from our old lives.
There were seventy-six newfoals in our group. We were all milling about and chatting the way you do before an expedition as we waited for our escort. There was apparently a person who did nothing but accompany newfoals to Equestria and then return to the bureau. Nice work, if you can get it.
I sidled up to Becca. Even though I’d only been ponified a few hours before her, I still felt protective, like I should be watching over her or something. She was chatting with an orange Earth pony. Have you ever been at a party where there’s a circle of conversation, and you try to insinuate yourself into it, but they close ranks? That didn’t happen. They sensed I was there and invited me in. Becca introduced me.
“Car, this is Sleep Tight. Sleep, this is Carmen.”
“Caramel, if you please,” she said. “Caramel Icing. I get to keep the short name either way, but only the ‘Car.’ No ‘men’ in Equestria.” She chuckled. Were all ponies into bad puns? Are they ponies or punnies? . . . I did not just think that.
“So, you’ve known Becca a long time?” I asked.
“Oh, yeah. Ever since we were young. We’re like sisters. Even more so now that we’re ponies. If she doesn’t fly away and go live with the pegasi.”
“Hey, I’d never do that!” said Becca.
We would have continued, but our group leader came out and called us to attention. She had a clipboard in her hands which she made a mark on as she addressed us.
“OK, one thing before we start. Has everyone picked out an Equestrian name yet? It’s not required, but the native Equestrians will look at you a bit funny if you say your name is John Smith or something.”
I was thankful that I was Sleep Tight. I didn’t know how that name would play in Equestria, but I was going with it. But Becca raised her hoof and got the representative’s attention. “Miss? I had thought of going by the name Honeydew, but then I turned this color. I haven’t thought of anything different.”
“Well, that’s fine. A color name doesn’t have to be perfectly accurate, especially when it’s also a fruit. Anypony else?”
There were a few others with questions, but eventually we got sorted.
“All right,” she said. “We’ll be walking in formation. It’ll be about a day’s walk from here. We could just stick you all in horse trailers and drive you there, but there are a few reasons we don’t do that. In the first place, it’s unpleasant. It’s a lot nicer to be out in the open air. Second, we want to keep the road to Equestria as secret as possible, and cars would just attract attention. And the third reason is that there’s good grazing land between here and there. It’s not likely you’ll ever need to, because food is plentiful in Equestria, but you should learn to forage for grass and berries and things. If you have any questions, my name is Karen.”
We trotted out, spirits high. The sound of three hundred four hooves on asphalt and then dirt was a cadence that kept us going. Conversations bounced from one group to another as we moved to the fore and rear in Brownian motion. I couldn’t tell if anypony else noticed, but along the way tree branches had been laid along the road, almost like a curb. I made my way up to the front and talked to Karen.
”What’s with the branches?” I asked.
She chuckled. “It’s a joke from one of the ponies I took to Equestria early in my career. He was something of a classical scholar. So here I am, Karen, ferrying souls across the river Sticks.”
“Charon ferried people to the land of the dead. Not a very nice joke.”
“Depends on which way you look at it. According to myth, the ferry ran both ways. Hercules, Dionysus, Orpheus—they all came the other way. Maybe Earth is really the land of the dead.”
I ducked my head and thought about that. Karen reached into her purse. “Normally I wait until we’re at the border to hand these out, but since we’re talking about it, let’s complete the legend. People had to pay Charon a gold coin to go across. But here too, it goes the other way. This is your first bit. It’s what they use for money in Equestria.”
I floated the coin to me and looked at the obverse. Two heads that I recognized from my dream were facing each other. On the reverse, there was a scene of the sun behind the clouds above a field where crops were growing. Something was off about the coin and I couldn’t place it, other than the fact that it was real gold.
Then it hit me. All the coins I’d seen had one motif on both heads and tails. But this coin had two heads and three pictures on the tails. I looked back at the other ponies all in a group. I thought about Karen’s bag, which must have seventy-five more bits in it, and I felt no temptation. They weren’t mine, so I couldn’t take them. And this coin was mine, but I could leave it by the side of the road and count on all of them to leave it there, since it wasn’t theirs.
Land of the living versus land of the dead, indeed.
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When we stopped for dinner, everypony was a little tired. Karyn said that we would break for ninety minutes to let us all forage and rest. Everything was wonderful, but I wanted to stretch my legs and have a good gallop after I ate. I hoped to get one last view of Earth. Whatever it was, it was once my home.
Climbing a hill, I reached a clearing in the trees and looked over the land. The road wound back to where I had come from, turning back from dirt to pavement. The foliage thinned the farther I looked out, and the horizon blazed with brown and yellow smoke, like a nicotine stain on the sky. There, in front of me, was the ultimate descriptor of two worlds, a number line that pointed to negative. I turned around to head back.
I wasn’t alone. Honeydew née Becca (neigh Becca? Stop that!) had come the same way as I had. I smiled at her. I was glad to have her as a friend, but I wanted to head back to where the air smelled cleaner.
I smelled something else. I couldn’t place it. It was nothing I’d smelled before, but it intoxicated me. That feeling was augmented by the look that Honeydew was giving me.
When I had talked to her after her ponification, all sexual desire had gone. I was more concerned with the practicalities of pony life than with getting off. What was explained to me in class was that humans were one of the few species that didn’t have a mating season. For ten months of the year I wouldn’t even think about sex.
It wasn’t one of those ten months. I suddenly understood my feelings. Honeydew’s too. She was in estrus. The instincts that I had developed as a pony had a second layer that took over.
The feeling grew and I could do nothing to stop it. She was no longer a friend. She was a mare that I had a right to mate with. I advanced on her and she could sense my power and intention. She turned and tried to take off to the air, but I focused my magic on her legs and tripped her. She went sprawling on the hill and I approached her.
As a human, I always tried to have proper give and take with sex partners. One more way that they were a flawed species. I was male, and therefore dominant. I snorted into her ear and saw her legs go weak. Good. She opened her wings as though she was going to try to take off from a lying position. I nipped at her shoulder and mane and forced her back down. No more of these futile escape attempts.
She lay there with her face in the ground and looked so deliciously helpless. I felt myself get hard and I could feel it so much stronger now that I was a pony. My dick scraped along the ground. And I used to not be long. Now I looked between my legs and saw the three-foot monster I was now sporting. I was going to love shoving it into her. I did regret that my favorite piece of foreplay was unavailable to me. No more boobs.
But she did have wings. They were still spread behind her from when she tried to take off. She tried to fold them back to her body, and I used my magic to keep them open. I took her left wing and licked the feathers at the end. I kissed my way down until I found the sensitive nerves in the fleshy part of the wing. That got her crying in ecstasy. My saliva soaked her feathers and I folded them back. Then I let go.
“Please. . . please,” she said. I had my magic and the gray glow was stopping her wings from moving. But I was still new at magic. I couldn’t have done it if her body didn’t want me to. “Please don’t stop!” she cried.
I moved to her right wing and licked the place where it met her back. Her cries reminded me of the innocent schoolgirls I had heard in hentai anime. I had been a tit man. Now I was a wing stallion. I rubbed her left wing with my hoof, reveling in the feathery softness, while I kept licking and sucking her feathers on the right. I felt like I was even bigger, maybe four feet long.
I had to put it in. It felt like I was ready to burst with all the blood in my dick. I got to my feet and raised her haunches with my magic. She playfully swished her tail at me, but I just brushed it out of the way with my head and charged forward. She was dripping wet. I positioned the head of my dick right at her pussy and thrust it in all at once.
The instincts I had grown took over and my haunches moved on their own. It wasn’t long before I felt my seed bubble within me. I wanted to come inside her, but I also didn’t want to deny her an orgasm. Inspiration came to me and I focused my horn on her clit. The clitoris is the only organ whose purpose is pure pleasure, and I could stimulate it directly and magically. She broke out in a sweat and her back legs started to buckle again. I could sense her button and I felt the power to make her come at will. I used that power.
Every muscle inside her tensed, and her wings stretched out as wide as they could. That brought me to the edge and I fired my cum deep into her. I could feel it traveling all the way through my long pony pecker into her womb. I looked into her face as she looked back at me, and we sealed our status. She was my mate. I collapsed on top of her as we both passed out.
The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
I don’t think that we exchanged more than a dozen words during the time that we were together. I was so focused on my rut that I didn’t care about leaving the other ponies behind. I woke before Honeydew and dragged her further into the forest where nopony else could find us. I wasn’t thinking. I just knew that when she was awake, I would have her again. I was impatient and prodding her awake already.
It was two days that we were gone before the others tracked us down. As I later found out, Karen had gone into a panic when she had done a head count and hadn’t found us. The first search parties had been haphazard and disorganized, just ponies going off in every direction calling our names. That first night, though, they had all gathered back and discussed whether to go on to Equestria and then come back, or stick around and keep searching.
By the time she had arrived, the effects of the mating season had begun to make themselves known. Stallions and mares had paired off around the camp, and only modesty and company had been keeping their hooves off each other. Twilight had come galloping in casting magic that would calm the urges and make them manageable, but of course it was too late for us. She had addressed the camp.
“It was pure oversight on our part. Of course we know about estrus and realized that everypony would be encountering it, but we didn’t consider how it would affect the newfoals. Once you reach Equestria, everything would be fine. We have fertility festivals where couples who plan to start a family get together and have a celebration. Everypony knows what’s going on, except for the young foals, but it’s all handled with dignity and decorum.
“While we were planning this year’s festival, somepony said, ‘What about inviting the newfoals?’ and that’s when I realized that while we could prepare the bureaus themselves, any groups out on the road would potentially be caught in the grip of their most base urges. I’m only glad I was able to make it in time.”
She was told about us, and immediately had taken charge of the situation. She’s some kind of genius at organization and logistics, apparently. She had separated the stallions from the mares and had them run search parties in shifts, each party comprising only one gender. As they spread out, they would further split up. If necessary, one pony could even break off from the group, but only as they reached the limit of how far they could go. That had been the plan.
We had hidden ourselves in a thicket, but anyone walking by would know we were there. I was making no effort to keep quiet as I took Honeydew from behind. Left alone, I think I would have just kept having my way with her for the next six weeks. Instead, I became aware of another presence. I wanted to finish quickly so I could defend us against whatever predator was seeking us out. Gearing myself up for a fight, I kicked my back legs into the ground for support and bucked my hips against Honeydew’s. She responded to my aggression with moans of pleasure and clenched down on me. I came into her.
I had been coming every few hours or so with little release from the passion I had been feeling. I expected no less this time. I pulled out with a satisfying plop as ropes of fluid bridged between us. Then I turned to find the intruder.
Whoever it was, they were making no effort to conceal themselves as they plodded through the forest. After a few minutes, I heard a voice cry out, “Honeydew? Sleep Tight? Is anypony there?!” I recognized the voice. It was Caramel.
I smiled to myself. It would be nice to have some variety. A well-endowed stallion like me should have more than one mare to play stud with. I stalked and tracked her, but she was doing the same to me. In the same clearing where I had first taken Honeydew, I came face-to-face with Caramel.
“Oh, Sleep Tight, thank Celestia I’ve found you,” she said. “We’ve all been so worried. Is Honeydew with you? We have to get back because of the rut. Twilight Sparkle came and told us. . . wait, why are you looking at me that way? Oh, no. It’s got you, hasn’t it? I can see it. Sleep, listen. You have to resist it. We shouldn’t mate, I don’t even know you that well.”
I advanced on her, a leery look in my eye. I had found with Honeydew that the chase was half the fun. It got me turned on and primed for sex. Caramel couldn’t fly, of course, so she couldn’t get away. Easy pickings.
I charged her and prepared to tackle her down. She dodged out of the way, but I got into her anyway. I turned back to leap on her prone form. . .
Only she wasn’t prone. She was still standing and trying to reason with me.
“Sleep Tight, please. You don’t want to do this. I don’t want to do this,” she said, but I could tell by the tone of her voice that she was wavering. She wanted it too. All the mares want it. I went for my trip spell, the same one I had first used on Honeydew. Caramel went down and I ran to get behind her.
She fought back and turned her body. I landed on top of her, but she reared up and threw me off. I turned again to magic, trying to press her down and immobilize her, but she was just too strong. We were at a stalemate, but I was still free to move, so I closed the gap between us and kissed her on the muzzle.
Even standing nose to nose, I could smell her musk perfuming the air. She was getting turned on now. I kept nuzzling her head and shoulders. Just knowing that I could charm her and bring her to heel when I wanted to was turning me on. I had only recently finished with Honeydew, but during the season, I had endless stamina.
I wanted to move around again to find her slit, but even now she turned and bucked. She gave me a sultry look as she kissed me back. I began to doubt myself and to get ornery. She should be following my lead at this point. Instead she was licking my neck and chest and being aggressive about it. She was only an Earth pony, but she was putting me under a spell of her own.
I prepared for her to move around back of me, but again she was unpredictable. She kissed her way up until she reached my lips. Her tongue met mine and I licked and sucked her mouth. She put her hooves on my shoulders and shoved. That got my ire up again so I tried to stand, but she pushed back hard. She was much stronger than I was. I fell to my knees before her. Then she kissed my horn.
It was the exact reverse of when I had my vision of the princesses. I could move, I could speak, but I couldn’t think. She licked my horn to get it moist, then sucked it down her throat. Every time I had the beginning of a thought, she sucked it right out of me. I was supposed to be the dominant one, but that thought was gone. I should use my magic to get up—gone. She’s good at this—gone. I gave up trying to think and sprawled on the grass, doing nothing but feeling the pleasure.
I closed my eyes and saw stars pulsing in front of me. I could hear her mouth moving back and forth on my horn. She closed it slightly and I felt her teeth on the ridges my horn had. I started shaking in time with her teeth bumping.
She laughed through her lips. Although she couldn’t feel what I was feeling, she could see the effect it was having on me. I heard myself crying and moaning, I felt my legs squirming on the ground, and I felt the motion of her mouth on my horn, but then those sensations began to fade.
The difference between the horn job I was getting and all the sex I’d had before was focus. On a few occasions, if you can keep your attention focused on the feelings you get inside, the sex is much better. But most of the time the distractions of the motions fight for your concentration, and you can’t get that focus. Caramel was doing it for me, removing the distractions by going right to the source. It was as if she was sucking and licking me right in my sexual pleasure center.
Because my horn tapered at the end instead of flaring out like my dick, she could slide it in and out with no trouble. She took deeper strokes, exposing it to the air so I could feel the cold moisture as she gave the tip tiny licks, then driving forward until all of me was encompassed in the warm cavern of her mouth. Now she sucked faster, pounding my head with hers. I didn’t even feel my dick anymore, nor did I care. I didn’t know if it stayed hard or went flaccid. All my focus was on my horn.
For an eternity she licked, kissed, and sucked, while I just lay there receiving and squirming. Then, deep within me, something started to build.
The feel of an orgasm can be displaced. It feels like it starts on the inside of the thighs, about halfway down, and travels up through the balls to the head. This started in my teeth. It traveled through my sinuses. It lifted up through my cheeks and sent out waves of heat. It traveled down my throat like I was swallowing pleasure. Then it began to pick up. I felt every system in my body radiate heat and joy. My bones stiffened. My nerves had lightning bolts going down them. My muscles clenched. The feelings kept building and building, and then my head exploded.
That’s what it felt like. I literally heard a bomb go off inside my head and saw every color in the world flash before my eyes at light-speed. My brain went inside-out again and I felt as if I had been pushed out from within. After that singular feeling came something else.
I felt my own body again, and I felt my horn spewing something. It wasn’t liquid or gas, it was more like pure energy was escaping through my forehead. I started tingling and sparkling all over, and I actually saw the sparks over my sides and flanks. That was nothing compared to what I saw coming out of the horn. Ethereal smoke and lightning was pulsing out, and Caramel was taking it into her mouth. I couldn’t even keep my head up anymore, and I fell out of her mouth and collapsed onto the grass.
I lay there panting and sweating. My eyes refocused. So did my thinking. For the first time in two days, my ordinary human personality reasserted itself, and so did my pony instincts. I looked at Caramel Icing, who had rolled onto her back. I crawled over to the thicket, where Honeydew was still unconscious.
What had I done? When I was human, I was a lecher to be sure, but I had never forced myself on women. Now I had. I was practically a rapist.
I got to my feet. I knew what I had to do. I would never see Equestria. Equestria had no place for rapists, no place for stallions who couldn’t control themselves and let their dicks think for them. I took to my hooves and ran.
I had only the rudiments of a plan. The first thing was to get lost, to make sure that Caramel and Honeydew couldn’t find me. The bureau had taught me how to forage for grass and other foods I would need, and I could drink rainwater. All the enjoyment I got out of food as a pony was just a one-time thing. I didn’t deserve to taste nice things. I would mix the grass with dirt to ensure I didn’t enjoy it. I would go be a hermit. Maybe someday, years from now, I could talk to people again.
Through my tears I saw the outlines of the trees and paths. I didn’t know where I was going, I just galloped in one direction as far as I can. After twenty minutes of running flat out, I reached a hill. I slowed up and breathed heavily, looking around. I saw a road nearby and a thicket, and beyond that—no! What happened? There were Honeydew and Caramel lying unconscious, though Caramel had crawled over in my absence and was nuzzling with Honeydew.
I remembered an old science factoid that said that a blindfolded person who tried to walk in a straight line would in fact walk in a lazy clockwise spiral. In my anguish I had not paid attention to where I was going.
I started off again. Now instead of desperation, I felt nothing but depression. I still didn’t know how I could have treated them the way I did. I plodded along, making sure that I knew the way I was going.
It could have been such a wonderful life for me, a new opportunity. I couldn’t even go back to my old job and home. Conversion was a one-way trip. Maybe I didn’t even deserve to live. If I got up high enough, I could find a cliff and see to it that justice was done. I found an incline and started climbing. Perhaps behind that thicket—
I had been paying attention, and my hooves still carried me right back to where I started. Something screwy was going on. I tried a third time, and I couldn’t even move in the direction I wanted to. When I tried to pick up my hoof, it was rooted to the ground. When I turned to walk toward the mares, it came free.
My instinct again. It wouldn’t let me abandon Honeydew. She needed me and that meant I had to stay. I had been thinking that thought ever since I had woken up, but I kept suppressing it. Now my lies were torn away and I realized how foolish I would have been to try to kill myself or to go live alone. I lay down next to Honeydew and went back to sleep.
We all woke up at about the same time. We didn’t look into each other’s eyes. We didn’t talk to each other. Caramel brushed the grass and dirt off of Honeydew’s flank, and then she returned the favor. With nopony left, I tried to clean myself off. After a moment or two, I felt a wing brush against me. For a moment I saw Honeydew looking at me. I turned away.
Caramel led the way back to the camp. Honeydew followed her, and I brought up the rear. Walking in single file, I should have been staring at her hindquarters. I was looking at it, but I wasn’t staring. If I had felt anything in my groin, I would have broken right then.
We trudged back. When we finally reached the site, everypony was fawning over us, telling us how worried they were that we had all died or something. I barely heard what they said. I wish I could have made the excuse that I was catatonic, but I was just waiting for somepony to punish me.
Karen was talking with a purple unicorn that I didn’t recognize, but as soon as she saw us, she broke off and ran to us.
“Oh, you bad ponies, you! You poor babies. Are you all right? Wherever have you been?”
“Miss?” the unicorn said. “I’ll take it from here. My name is Twilight Sparkle. Can one of you tell me what happened?”
We all looked nervously at the ground.
“That tells me what happened,” she said, and sighed. “Let’s get you all into Equestria. Once we’re there, I know that everything will be all right.”
We walked on. It did make me feel better to be among ponies again. After a few hours, we came to the border. We could tell that it was the border because we couldn’t see past it. Just a silver-gray spherical wall.
Karen stood in front of us and said, “All right, this is where I leave you. I can’t go through the barrier, because I’m a human. But you’re all free to cross. Once you do, somepony will take care of you. You made it. Congratulations. This really is the first day of the rest of your lives.”
I felt sick to my stomach.
She continued. “Remember, you have to go through one at a time, or, if you have a family, all together at the same time. Each pony that passes through will widen the barrier by a little bit, so if you’re pushing and shoving, you’ll find yourself half in and half out. You don’t want that. Just push through as fast as you can.”
Everypony else went first. I still stood in silence with the mares and Twilight, far back from the border. It was a long wait. The numbers diminished until it was only the four of us. For the first time since it happened, I spoke.
“One at a time or all together? I suppose I should be last.”
“No, no,” said Twilight. “We’ll all go together. It’s the right thing to do.”
I put my head down. I trotted up with Honeydew on my right and Caramel on my left. We walked through.
The Conversion Bureau: Time of the Season
The air was clean, but I expected that. The trees were green, but I expected that too. Everything they said about Equestria at the conversion bureau made it sound like the Garden of Eden, and that’s what it looked like. Something right out of a postcard. Nothing was out of place until I took a breath.
Have you ever had a good, long cry? The kind where your nose gets stuffed up and the tears are hot and you can’t see, and then finally it ends and you take that shaky breath? I had been holding in my emotions ever since we started walking back to camp. I had wanted to cry, but I didn’t. And now, without the intervening part of crying, I got right to the post-cry breath.
It was a breath of hope. It was a breath that said, “Nothing bad has happened yet, and something good might.”
Twilight Sparkle still held us away from the rest of the group. “They’re just getting more routine instruction,” she said. “In your case, I want to talk to Princess Celestia herself about what happened. She’ll decide the best course of action. She’s always able to come up with a good idea.”
“Thank you,” I said.
“Yeah, thanks,” said Caramel. “While we’re waiting, would it be possible to get something to eat?”
I hadn’t eaten for two days. It didn’t even occur to me to be hungry. Now that Caramel had mentioned it, I was ravenous. Moreover, Honeydew must be as bad or worse than me.
“Of course you can,” said Twilight. “Wait right here. I’ll find something for you.”
She ran off. I realized that all three of us were about to have our fates decided by somepony else. As soon as Twilight came back, we would get on a conveyor belt that would take us wherever we were supposed to go. If I wanted to have any say in my own life, any hope of correcting what I had done wrong, it was then, or never.
“Caramel,” I said.
“Yes?”
“I never thanked you properly for coming to find us. You didn’t have to do that. I also need to thank you for returning me to my senses. If you hadn’t suc. . . if you hadn’t done what you did, I would have kept on exactly as I was.”
“I’m not going to pretend that I didn’t enjoy it,” Caramel said.
“That may be. And I’m sure you’re going to make a fine mate for somepony. But I need to tell you that, whatever its significance, it shouldn’t happen again. It shouldn’t have had to happen the first time. For me, my heart belongs to another. Honeydew?”
“Yes?” she said.
“I don’t love you. When I first saw you, back at the bureau, I felt something beyond lust that I hoped might be love. But it was only greed. I wanted to possess you, to own you. A few nights before I was converted, I found out the difference between love and greed. But I couldn’t have the one I loved. I had you instead. And that means that I’m in your debt.”
“Oh, Sleep Tight, you shouldn’t think of it that way.”
“It’s the only way I can think of it, because that’s the way it is. If you want, I will stay with you. Even if Princess Celestia tells us that we should be apart. But I’m going to be bold and ask you to forgive my debt and free me to go seek out the one I do love.”
Honeydew spread her wings and frowned at me. “I don’t love you either. And I don’t want to make you stay. I became a pony because I wanted to be free, and I was lucky enough to grow wings that would let me be even freer. I regret that the first thing they were used for was not flying, but only as an erogenous zone. I mean to correct that at the earliest possible moment. We’ll separate. I’ll learn to fly, and you can go be with her.”
“Agreed, then. We’ll tell the princess that that’s what we want to do.”
Twilight Sparkle returned, and for the next half hour, we were completely focused on eating. The first bites we took were all about getting something in our stomachs, but then the meal became exceedingly pleasant. The food in Equestria proper was even better than the stuff we had in the Bureau. It wasn’t as sharply flavored, but it was savory and nourishing. With the agreement that the mares and I had come to, the meal was filled with pleasant conversation and bonhomie.
“So, Twilight. You’re in charge of the Conversion Bureaus?” I asked.
“Not as directly as that. I came up with some of the organizational structure once Princess Celestia decided to offer conversion to all the humans, and I invented the original ponification serum.”
“Really?” asked Caramel. “Did you get a patent?”
“A what?” said Twilight.
I looked at my fellow newfoals. We didn’t even know if they had property rights here or if everything was communal. It didn’t surprise us that, having performed a major feat of thaumato-chemistry, Twilight had passed it over for general use without demanding a cut of the profits.
“Never mind. How does the serum work?” asked Honeydew.
“Well, it’s difficult to explain to someone who hasn’t been brought up around magic. But I can explain some of the biology. Most of our organs are the same. Where we have mass that humans don’t, I used some vestigial organs to fill in. I believe that your tails are what used to be your appendixes.”
“So it’s a straight one-to-one conversion in mass?” said Caramel. “That would make sense in terms of physics.”
“Actually,” Twilight said, “There is a slight increase in mass when a human is converted. That in itself is not unusual. I once developed a spell to turn a pumpkin into a traveling coach. Conjuring the extra mass is not particularly difficult. It’s just a copy of existing mass. The tricky part is repurposing it. The pumpkin seeds became the wheels. It had to work out that way. I couldn’t have made the pulp the wheels, for example. I can’t really go into more detail without a lot of math.”
I stuck out my tongue. “I can’t stand math. I guess I’m not going to be a very good unicorn.”
Twilight clearly enjoyed explaining her work. “Oh, most unicorns get by just fine without knowing all the science behind their magic. A lot of it is more art than science anyway. What I was going to say is that in the case of the ponificiation serum, I was never able to explain where the extra mass was needed. I ought to have accounted for everything. But it works, so I didn’t pursue the discrepancy further.”
Honeydew looked down at her food. She was clearly deep in thought. “I wonder,” she said.
“Yes?”
“I know that they say we don’t feel anything during the conversion process. But when I was out I had a vague impression. It was like something at the back of my head—what’s the phrase for that bump? The occipital perturbence? That thing. It was like it turned liquid and drained down the back of my neck, down and out of my back. I didn’t think about it at the time. But when I became a pegasus pony, I wondered.”
“It was like that for me too!” I said. “Only it was the front of my head. I felt like my brain turned inside out and became my horn. But then it all filled in later.”
“This could be something,” said Twilight. “How about you, Caramel? Did you feel anything?”
“No. I just went right to sleep and woke up the way you see me.”
“Hang on,” I said. “Maybe I’ve got it. The human brain has three parts. The cerebrum is where the actual thinking happens, the cerebellum controls motor function, and the medulla is for the vitals. What if the conversion takes one of those and uses it to determine what type of pony you are? Unicorns wear their cerebra on their foreheads, pegasi have their motor control become their wings, and Earth ponies’ muscles are made up of the medulla.”
“It’s an interesting hypothesis,” said Twilight. “And definitely worth looking into. I never actually got to work with live humans when I was developing the serum. I need to find one and get a good look at this brain structure you’re talking about. Anyway, is everypony finished eating?”
We were. Ponies used plates and napkins just as much as humans did, but in a pinch they could just eat off the ground. There was no cleanup.
“Can you see the tall towers in the distance?” said Twilight. ”That’s Canterlot Castle. We’ll meet Celestia there.”
Well, this was it. We had been caught having sex on a school trip, and it was time to go to the principal’s office. Fitting, since Equestria was a principality after all.
I really hate puns.
I had imagined Princess Celestia as this ten-story-tall goddess. When we were actually brought in, she was not nearly as scary. She was large, to be sure, and an alicorn, but she was a pony just like the rest of us. Twilight knelt before her, so I did the same.
“Hello, Twilight. Some new friends?” Celestia said.
“Yes, Princess. These are some of the newfoals that just entered. On the way, there was an incident.” She recounted our story without being explicit.
“I see. Ms. Icing?”
“Yes, Princess?” Caramel said.
“You were put in a dangerous situation, and acquitted yourself well. Do you have any further grievance against this stallion?”
“Oh, no, your highness. I really didn’t mind. I actually enjoyed it a little.”
The princess smiled. “Well, it is the season after all. We merely prefer to have things done under controlled situations. You may go.”
Caramel realized that her dismissal was not phrased as a request, and hightailed it out of Celestia’s chamber.
“And now,” the princess said, “on to you.”
I gulped. For all I knew, I was about to be destroyed. But the princess looked at Twilight. “Have you performed the test?” she asked.
“No, Princess,” said Twilight. “I thought it best to wait.”
“Very well. You may do so now.”
I didn’t know what they were talking about, but Twilight pointed her horn at Honeydew and cast a spell. She bristled a little, then her midsection glowed with magic. Twilight turned to the princess and nodded.
“I see,” said Celestia. “Congratulations, Ms. Honeydew. You are going to have a foal.”
“What?!” I said.
I was stupid. I had still been thinking human. Sex among humans, no matter how enlightened they grew, remained a taboo, something dirty. Ponies could talk about it more freely. Babies—foals—were still a blessing to them. I had been worried about being punished simply for my lustful ways. I hadn’t thought about the consequences that nature would have in store.
The princess ignored my outburst. “You will be the first newfoals to have an offspring. I know that it can be overwhelming, but rest assured that everypony will want to help you. Twilight, will you take care of them, please?”
I was still stunned. I walked when they prodded me, but I wasn’t paying attention to where I was going. I didn’t know if Twilight or Honeydew was talking or if we just walked in silence. When I finally returned to my senses, I said, “But we had agreed to separate.”
I forgot that I planned to tell this to the princess. She had hustled us in and out so fast. She was probably busy. That, along with the bombshell she had dropped, had taken me out of the conversation for a while.
Twilight looked at us and said, “Right now I’ve assigned you a double-occupancy dwelling. If you want to change, look around for two singles and let me know.”
We followed her. The dwelling she referred to looked like something out of a book that told you how the Amerindians really lived, and that all your impressions of them were wrong. It was a long, squat building, and by my quick count it could house around a hundred newfoals. Native ponies would not want to live there. It was more of a dormitory than a house. The room that she showed us to was nicer than the single-occupancy rooms that we passed. We at least had a sitting area with a couch and table. This was most definitely a place that we would only live in until we could afford something better.
I would have to get a job. And Honeydew, she would have to find one of her own if we were to be able to separate. There must be something that a pregnant mare can do. Of course, I’d have to save up some so that once she couldn’t work, or even move, I could take care of her. But once I got past that hump, I would be done with her.
Twilight left us alone. She promised to return that afternoon to get us settled further. I started making mental notes of things to ask her. More magic classes, for one, and job training. A week and a half ago, I had gone into the Conversion Bureau looking for a new life. Not better, just different. Well, I had it now, and it was up to me to sink or swim.
Honeydew sat on the couch, her wings folded against her.
“Well, we made it to Equestria,” she said. “Not exactly how we wanted or expected, but we’re here.”
“Yes,” I said. “But we’ve still got a ways to go. I was just thinking that we’ll want to stay on top of getting our own places as soon as possible. When Twilight returns, I’ll talk to her about working and such.
“All right. In the meantime, I’m going to take a little nap. I’m a little overwhelmed.”
“With the new world?”
“With being a mother,” she said.
This was a reversal. I was the one who liked sleeping so much that I took it for my name. She put her head down and closed her eyes. I started to walk away, but something was wrong. The tableau of her lying there offended the eye. I realized what was wrong. Quietly, I found what I thought was the closet. Using my magic, I levitated a pillow and blanket out and brought them to where she was lying. I tucked her in and smiled.
Without opening her eyes, she said, “Thank you, honey.”
I looked at Honeydew, sleeping there. I felt those instincts again. That extra mass in my brain that I hadn’t signed on for. I knew they would never let me leave. The foal would be born in another year, and then I would raise it. Even though I felt nothing for Honeydew, I would fake it. I would learn to become the best actor Equestria had ever seen. For the sake of the foal, who would need the love of a father and a mother, I would have to stay. I had no choice.
I would change diapers, wake up in the middle of the night, and clean up sick. I would teach the ABCs and the basics of math before sending my little one into the hooves of more qualified ponies. I would see my foal growing into maturity, and make sure that my mistakes were not repeated for another generation. And then, finally, have to wave goodbye as the colt or filly became a stallion or a mare. But once all that was done, then I would be my own master again.
Or would I? Eighteen or twenty years meant eighteen or twenty more mating seasons. Would I really be able to keep my hooves off Honeydew when the urge struck me again next year? When she knelt down and flared those wings in my face, would I really be able to resist? And if I didn’t, what would that mean other than brothers and sisters?
How long would this last? How much would I have to go through. A loveless marriage that would last my entire life? No. I swear that someday I will be free.
I will learn to control myself. I will grow beyond my lust. Someday I will be impotent, or Honeydew will fall barren, and my last child will be grown up. Then at last, I know that my instincts will release their hold on me. Honeydew will not need me anymore. I will walk out the door, and we’ll both say goodbye.
That day will be the start of a journey. Until that day all I will have is a flame within me. Not even hope. Just the hope of a hope. There’s no reason to expect that she will wait for me. There’s no reason to think that we’ll both survive that long, or, if we do, that we’ll be able to reach each other. What had she said? Equestria is a big country. It’s getting bigger all the time.
I finally understood the dream I had during my conversion. Princess Celestia had looked into my heart and asked herself if there was anything worth saving in this wretched soul that could be purified into being a pony. I had passed that test. But Princess Luna was not so forgiving. She demanded penance. She saw all of my lust and how it consumed me. That couldn’t be converted by a magic serum. Only time and sacrifice would work.
Very well. I’ll work, and I’ll sacrifice. . . and I’ll make it. If it takes me forty years, I will make that journey. I will keep my heart beating and my hooves moving until the end of it. I will scour all of Equestria if I have to. I’ll pay the penance. I’ll make it through the long day of atonement. And then I will find my Happy Monday.
